Joe Rogan Experience #32 — Bryan Callen Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Ladies and gentlemen, BAM! We are live with my pal, Brian Callen. 20 years? who introduced me. I never refute it. immediately. my friend forever. I know my neck is too big. You know, a whole day, You're like, I remember the dog that killed the goats. bred to fight in weight classes the baddest motherfuckers are these little 35 pounders and Smell it.

2:58 Because, look, if you masturbate and you do, okay, everyone does. there's a lot of girls you would not, especially when you're it's like little butt cheeks. there's like a 15% discount you get. Yeah, I'm surprised He was awesome. She was a coffee table. Nobody wanted this dog. this pit bull that I have to rescue. to a pound to get a pit bull? That seems like

5:03 retard to agree with them and then they just do something They're unforgiving. another $1,600 there as they're tearing each other up for the which is under the umbrella of being territorial. But they're dangerous as fuck when it comes to other animals. man. Too crazy. Too dangerous. through this dog's fence. We were He was fucking nuts. It just... They're just too crazy.

8:02 because this is the best way that the species stays strong. people have learned how to crossbreed, you know, I mean, You know what's really nuts, Yeah. we don't, you know, And I would have to double-check this article Well, that's breeding. Right. Well, what they just discovered was that when you have a certain mutation on your gene, It's kind of crazy.

10:37 because of the different kinds of access to information DNA that's synthetic Or Movie of the Life hey, how you doing? maybe I'll play him like, I've known for eight years. I was like, how's it going? I mean, he makes good money. All something has to do now is be good. What went wrong? Really? He's unbelievable. Did you see that interview in Canada?

13:38 Right. He's like, I'm a musician. Academy Award winning actor who's angelina jolie and goes wait a minute how nutty is this bitch she fucked this guy she fucked this No. I don't mean to diss Brad Pitt. I was like, this guy's an idiot. And maybe he is smart. I think he's a simple guy who had a certain bone structure that cut light well. He's always trying to do something different.

16:13 And intelligence. Sure. here was this guy who was an actor who wasn't like actors. But he was like the first actor that I met that wasn't like an actor. And I was laughing fucking hysterically. It's like a sharp F Yeah, yeah. You know, But it's that creepy, needy entertainment show. which in some ways I feel almost you need So they're always kissing the asses of the actors.

18:57 Yeah, so people create their own reality. He's running everything. Really? Really, really kind of loves to laugh. Hilarious actor. Joe Montagna, yeah. So me meeting him was like, wow, I'm really meeting this guy. Yeah, they're always thinking it is shocking when you first get around actors. and that Washington knows what to do with your money more than you do.

21:50 Yeah. And in a way, that's actually the best way to create a community. and you're a Neanderthal if you don't believe. My favorite guy that I know, that I used to know, He changed his wife's name. That's like the hot tip time machine. That's his rap. extreme. You're compensating, whether you like it discussion about war. You could not have a discussion about something. You could not have a discussion about war.

24:41 and that's maybe kept people safe. However, I think we are, and I don't want to say we're headed toward this trend, but I think that Yeah. and this is, I mean, drugs that used to be illegal. And they would package You could say that about cigarettes and alcohol. the fuck you're doing. My doctor recommends camels. But don't you think that there's always going to be a segment of the population that is going to just abuse themselves?

27:49 People are profiting now. but I can see this as an argument. That's all I'm saying. I'm not These questions are getting only more and more and they're creating self-replicating proteins. What is to say that these machines will have a respect for their biological heritage? computer scientists are talking about. 20 years. and it's going out all over the world as a podcast,

30:04 People don't ever realize, put it into context, but if you think about how long it's been around for 15 just... It's 5,000 days old. The internet is 5,000 days old. That's crazy. People don't ever realize, put it into context, Yeah, yeah. That's incredible. the problem is you look at it as the government yeah the government but the government it's like

31:10 that would profit off drugs then. They would, the government. This is that, yeah, Charlie Rangel. then they shouldn't be supporting this war. You know, fuck you to make a point. We had a mandatory draft until 1964. Well, he's not going to get it passed, if you're supposed to be the thing no matter what your job is. if you allow government to, It doesn't have to be

33:51 And the problem is, our society is so complex that 90% of the people, 90% of the time, you are working for someone else, Oh, and by the way, Yeah, and your Social Security, if you die before your Social Security, the government gets taxed. Oh, and by the way, at 60... Money that has already been taxed. Yeah. And your Social Security, That's the main issue. The main issue is this thing

35:11 So a lot of countries actually have stable or negative population growth. And so what's been surprising that nobody predicted in the 70s So people, as they get access to information, say, I want more for me. Why are you saying that asshole How come you can't bring up I know where it all comes from, but it's 2010. Take the power away. A grape crush in a bottle.

37:50 Like when they see magic, they're like, Not like a comedian. You have to be more grounded. Are you allowed to talk about your dad? Well, I am. I'm very mysterious. Oh, what people don't know is It's round and muscular. they shave each other's balls. Yeah, you shave your pubes. Come on. it's a forest in here. No, In a straight way. what is a porno party going to be like? It's all porno stars like this is gonna be a freak show right

40:53 They're projecting it on the side of a building, by the way. So while this all is going on, someone goes, This guy's going ass to mouth on her. and then her mouth, fucking her mouth, And this kid is looking at this It was their first date. I was going to tell you. Immediately. Yeah, but I mean, you know, He got over to her place and, you know, hey, you want to come over and smoke a little pot?

43:30 Oh, that's terrible. Fuck it. She's so hot. Look at her to go to her party at work. Fuck it. It's like you were so close. for this, oh yeah, we're gonna have this Did you really think that I was gonna fuck you? You have to say, oh, by the way, you can't fuck me. Fuck. Finger your asshole I gotta go to work She's a fucking Why do straight guys always

45:22 Unless it's funny He'll just be like, keep up the good work, Bri. I was like, what the fuck? That would be an awesome scene in the movie. and take his phone and rub it across my face. Guys will be like, that's gay. I mean, how many people dressed the way they dressed that wanted to be like rockers because of Rob Halford from Judas Priest? Pete Townsend did a lot of gay shit.

47:19 And Roger Daltrey was like, uh... I didn't. Of course you did. He told him to go to visit her at her place of employment. I go, I know, but I don't have clearance from my friend yet. I think you asked me I got a headache. and it just doesn boy's girl and She accused me of getting rough with her, actually. let me use your bathroom when she dropped me off she goes i need to use your bathroom instead of

49:52 And by the way, if I do fool around with her, my friend better forgive me, Well, yeah. I start doing... And I poured her wine, She goes, you're a freak, aren't you? And I go, no. It's already a bad situation. and I was and he was like She had a meal ticket. I was responsible for it. percentage of them. Or she had a 12-year-old So I just never, The whole thing was just such a mess.

52:36 And I was like, you going to be all right? just drive, I just remember what is, I'm not bullshitting. It wasn't like she did. the whole time. Yeah, yeah. that this was a giant Remember me? and I'd be dating her. I've got an unusual ability to spot people who are off. You saved me. bombing on stage. You know that hyper He's talking to me. You have to allow them.

55:37 Indeed. zero in. Dude, I nailed a bunch of his. You're talking yourself into it. It was all bad energy. Just a mess. It was all She was nuts. L.A. is the one place I actually never really got used to And we're both guilty of it. But my parents were divorced, all of them Josh Duhamel Mario Lopez Most people, they have this giant hole where everyone gravitates to,

58:15 like out deep into the burbs, or some shit. why does my dentist and you find out You think you can help me? for them no especially when you were an openiker. I've had like open mikers and he wants to are you talking about? just you would decide if when I was first starting out, can I get seven minutes A constant need. You don't go soliciting for it on other people's shows.

1:00:37 and before you know it, you've got a big house and millions In order to get good at it, you have to live it. how come I perform every week? it's constantly alive. shows i've ever had and i ied to it. I got this feeling. You're riding it. you're channeling right it's like I'm riding it he was a guy or something like that. for math basically. Yeah, he disappeared.

1:03:13 I just channeled it. something comes to you who wrote the War of Art? like something He talks about resistance and how resistance is constant. when my ideas come to me, It might be two, three minutes long, and I'll keep going on it. talking about something where I don't have a bit like I'm talking about nonsense for a minute call it swinging. When you're in dead stroke, it's like your arm is tuned into

1:05:40 what I really, what drives me whatever, you know? and it will reward you. Yeah. I'll find incredible websites. But when you click on it and it opens up, you lose everything on your desktop. love writing blogs I love putting them up and getting feedback I love that people enjoy them videos on the 2011 Shelby You're stressed. No, I think. something out of nothing, but

1:08:49 Most of us are... You ever listen to conversations with people? And he goes, you know why I'm an actor? He's a real actor. That's what the art is, I think. And he said, I played a man trying to solve a problem. I gotta kill you. because they just happen to choose acting. Yeah. that's a guy he's driven by just producing this really perfect character psyche. And driven by, you know, just producing this

1:11:32 he likes it. You know what though? there was this explosion in music, Jimi Hendrix is, if I had to choose one music to listen to for the rest of my life, only yeah, this incredible successful music, who died all coincidentally at 27, was that their heroes were these blues musicians who were doing drugs, right? and eat a hot dog and a warm cup of coffee,

1:13:26 Whereas you had these white 60s musicians who were like, you a prisoner of it. Cue it to the beginning of this. and change the world. They were idealistic enough to believe that they could. Have you heard anything even remotely like this? Yeah. The discipline in the practice makes the human being the very best antenna to tune in the magic of the universe.

1:15:12 you know who's doing oh he's Him live? Totally. That is... a real radio show. really fucked up deaths. who they were without the drugs? He was 27 years old. It's almost like he used up all of his energy in one big explosion. I apologize for the unprofessional behavior. So this is Jack White, Not, this was she writing for somebody who's into dick. I gotta hear that that It's fantastic

1:19:36 Your smile's like a wet spritz. Watch this. Okay. Yeah. That is maybe more real and what we stay alive for. that we create, an emotional energy source. And Aristotle and Socrates, they always used one word, harmony. There's beauty in that, man. Nate Marquardt or Anderson Silva, it Get in a ring and roll around, bro. You have a massive, massive emotional charge connected to your performance.

1:22:46 every man's biggest fear is that he's a coward. I've always found them to be, I've always found fighting to keep myself disciplined. B-R-Y. Probably. I go, you throw these down for when chicks come over. like Babette's Feast when I met Brian it just had a hole Venice is fucking dangerous Like you left his apartment You want to come over to my house?

1:24:52 Hey, I'm on TV I did everything with that calculation You want to get me in the truth here? I was like, at least I can... Do I have my reel on me on a loop when they come into my house? from being an original cast member Two seasons. it was very weird. It was cool though, And how sad is his whole situation, man? Funniest guy, by the way, for me on the Stern Show and I'd hear how he's falling apart.

1:27:06 No I don't know Because people love You don't have to be funny anymore One of the coolest, most interesting finds ever, Yeah, constantly. He was really upset. I always talk about if you're going to wear a cape, Actually, capes have made a comeback. In the 1800s. You can just be like, whatever. Yeah. and we had people waiting with hoses They were getting third-degree burns and shit,

1:30:00 they're eating out of a straw. Just like, let's take the punishment and see who can punch each other. But I'm saying a guy like Mayweather What would happen with him and Pacquiao? He's an incredible boxer. He's a very smart guy, too. And you could – I didn't hear this, but Freddie Roach afterwards was saying He was just hitting him. He looked over and went, how are you?

1:32:11 that Pacquiao fuck and you could see hit this dude he fights a little bit how fast he is and how mobile he is, That's crazy. Yeah. Yeah, you're like one of my best friends that I never see. Venice. Is it? You ever watch that, Gangland? Yeah. That's real. Do you know the guy who was one of the producers of Survivor? Killed his wife. People that are involved in relationships, they hate each other so much,

1:34:44 I'm not saying it's good. just because it was fun. but it was like, okay, no more. Yeah. So you wind up having a lot of sex If it's the wrong kind of love, it's true. and you literally need them in your life. and they literally go insane? Well, it also comes down to, And if your parents are fucked up and a lot of people's are, it. A lot of it really is what you learn from watching your parents. And if your parents are fucked up

1:36:53 Absolutely, man. having very low expectations and you also have to find one who's not nuts I had the best advice someone ever gave me Never get shitty with each other. a way to fight and if you learn how to how to you know release the tension or whatever you'll you Yeah. just a wee bit. We were talking about actors being fucking crazy Well, he's an alcoholic and Dr. Drew was talking about him,

1:39:05 just stops working on a movie this is the one and some really great actors. as an announcer. words like, wow! And that You're so knowledgeable. and you get really good at understanding economy of words. Goldie's great. which you don't understand is how much of that he's just winging. I tried doing his job once I think it's going to be worth it from what I'm told.

1:42:03 Are you one of those dudes I mean, you know, I don't watch what I do because I'm already critical enough. I think where I feel artistic That's the most fun thing for sure. And it's pretty brutal somebody asked me some advice, I go, Yeah, it does, if you've been doing it for a long time. I don't believe it. something one-on-one and, you know, will still work yeah it'll still work but then that's the difference between a hack and a real

1:44:47 I walked in and I went, I know exactly where it's going. I worked with this guy Or if he's so retarded that he just, this is what he does. angry and stupid and extra. Somebody said, You know? Yeah, I mean, and you know yourself I can't do it though because it's not me. Whatever that weird connection is where you feel like you're a passenger. I didn't know I'd be – is this the whole point of this podcast?

1:47:36 We just did a whole weekend there. Good. You know what? Nick Diaz, he's saying also that Mayhem is too big. it would be very, very interesting because Anderson is really tall. He might be able to, but it might be too much of a strain on him. Really? He's a beast. It's like impossible to stop almost. He's too accurate. it was like no windup. Huge. That would be the thing.

1:50:38 I mean, he's just ridiculous. You haven't lost in forever. not going to happen? Because the M1 guys that control him, unless they all get hit by a meteor, They want to be able to fight in the UFC as well, or M1 Global what the fuck because M1 Global You got a lot of high-level guys over there. stars, but there's so whatever Pacquiao's Klitschko's I can't remember yeah exactly it's never been anything that's

1:53:12 It's not that Vladimir you see what he did you've got Pacquiao once he lost a step Very technical Because Brian has to pee Interesting shit Fleshlight.com Or go to Joe's website And click on the But that's not the best thing for a comedy podcast. But I don't think this is a comedy podcast anymore. It's just interesting shit. Get ready, bitches. Later.