Joe Rogan Experience #322 — Ari Shaffir Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience. Oh, yeah, my friend who fell for the Nigerian scam. You can also go to ari shafir.com. Those guys are great. as opposed to yourself. You're middle-aged, you fuck. It would be the end of me. so what happened with your cousin? your cousin got busted by the Nigerians? what's your story? Five or six years ago. Yeah. They're like undercover cunts, and they're just ready to just find a reason.

3:25 were talking about that yesterday about people who make it and then once they make it they just He's that guy in the movie that locks the door and the monsters go and eat all the people that were outside. That's Paul Reiser in Aliens. sitcom. Yeah, and he was really good gets revealed, he just becomes more and more mercenary. Aliens, it's awesome. But, don't get it

5:40 creating the actual massive environment instead of doing, they'll make this huge canvas and paint this canvas a realistic fighter jet. Like, all of a sudden, the movie sucks. We'll be fine for 30 years, easy. Well, True Motion does that with a lot of movies also well it's true motion true motion makes movies look fake yeah It's really harsh. They're going to see what they really look like.

7:51 Now they're fucked. They squirt the cum out. Ew. It's really awesome. No, you just kind of feel like you're in the movie at a point. Up and down it. You feel like you need a helper. I don't connect violence and sex I don't like any of my porn. Our buddy that was on the podcast at one point in time They fought it out Well, I don't know. I don't know why tyler agreed to that

11:53 Oh, oh, oh. You had to learn how to be a porno guy You love Borat so much Like Eddie Bravo would say, you haven't seen it yet. I'm like, okay. Wow. I was flipping it through it the other night. and you see the glass like the wiggle in the glass when the thing stops We just kind of guess. We slowed down Jiu-jitsu. Bye-bye. that showed the T-Rex doing push-ups.

14:54 T-Rex scavenger look like a t-shirt. Do you have AriShafir.com as a website as well? They wanted him to be, they think he's more likely red. They are completely obsessed. You think Jurassic Park It seems like something we should do. And even if it does, we just make a bomb and drop it on them. Hundreds more. I wouldn't use the claw. And I'm trying to kill you.

17:21 No, I think I could. You should be able to if you have to. And you're like, go do something. with whatever horrific human crime against humanity. You know, you probably shouldn't have done whatever the fuck would put you in jail. But he just looks like someone you wouldn't like. Fuck, I don't remember. That's a gang of people who snitch. You're just talking. You're like a fucking three-year-old. That's their greatest weapon is snitching. Are you going to be like's not you're just talking it's a gang of people just talking that's their greatest

20:11 he's about 8. this is fairly young looking i don't know what people look like he does he looks young he looks We should start with you and examine your behavior at the TSA. What are you doing? I was like, how do you not do it? they just have to like that's what Brent Weinbach says because he wants a little hug But then he got super shitty. And they say, do you not want that?

22:36 And I don't want to just let them do it. Yeah, they're just bothering everyone. The asshole who got through TSA? Yeah. I got one confiscated from me before. Yeah. I think that's – you're confusing the FBI and the CIA. I don't know. the old scanner we had to raise your hand and, the old scanner where you had to raise your hand. When someone goes in with a bomb in their fucking shoe and blows you out of the sky, then what?

25:03 It's an absolute deterrent, but that doesn't excuse that this is not the right way to deter it. Yes, they do. No, no, there is a reason. And the need is to make sure that people don't go on planes with fucking bombs because people are crazy assholes. A lot of value to blow people out of the sky. You're making sure that you're – yeah. blew up, but they think that I was actually the

27:07 Yeah. Yeah. You can't say that as a blanket statement. They don't have like any firearm training. It's a giant bureaucracy, and at this point, they cannot pare it down. someone's paying you to do something does not I mean, you don't want to jump straight to that, but let's just say it was something else. They're checking you for things that you could use.

28:56 What about the x-rays that they used to use, They still use them sometimes. What? Ari, it's metal. I had a dime, and it told me, Well, you're supposed to take it out I don't know that, and I don't think you know that either. they have the technology to do that, Oh, wow. I didn't know you met the guy who ran the TSA. anymore it's a visual but he goes it's too much work to change it so no one's bothered to change

32:04 You don't want planes being blown up, do you? who was And you've definitely got to lock the cockpit door and tell them not to open it for any reasons. So we should figure out what they're doing now that's different and then figure out if you really want to criticize it. Okay, if someone's incompetent, but that's not the fault of the people that have arranged this system.

33:40 For the most part, that's solved 9-11 the way they did it there. that you get so riled up? that have no legs they can they where we didn't really have time to think it out. They've always checked it. What specifically is the issue? They used to check your luggage. Go through a radar detector. Yeah. Or whatever it's called. Not a radar detector. X-ray. Yeah.

34:55 I fly right through the security. You got to be ready. That doesn't mean I think they're great. You're enforcing your opinion. I mean, it's the same as bouncers at clubs. it's the same as security guards yeah i mean the same as bouncers at clubs it's the same as some cops it's a it's a difficult thing to have that You're like, did you have a good time?

36:55 And I personally find I've never had a problem. Their gig doesn't bother me. So as long as there's nothing to worry about, you find out aspects of your life that you I mean, unless you've got a bag of dildos, which, by the way, Stanhope did. Something like that, so they had to find which one it was. Just doing their job. Isn't it easier? Right. That's a real thought

39:55 out of there. so she can even be there. Flying is a big deal go to the movies. using that shit Here's the deal. I wish they weren't necessary. do you go to the DMV when you go to get your fucking license You can renew it online now? Yeah, why not? Yeah. Yeah, he was calling them fucking idiots. The TSA doesn't actually arrest you. government corruption and anybody that puts you in a government no-fly list because you have espoused views that they don't feel like fits the company line.

43:05 It's not the way you're doing it. There's crazy long, dumb lines. of power they actually do feel like they have uh you have to listen to them you know i mean i've They were laughing at those naked pictures of people. You'd probably come on those pictures. I probably would. It's to harass people. I've never been harassed that way. taxpayer money what are you going to do?

45:00 Yeah. they need to make it more efficient and it would be nice if people were more pleasant possibly You should not scream at anyone, man. with my feelings about his job i bought your uh your comedy cd online it was really good that's He was the one who said, we need those scanners, and then he sold it to himself. He made billions. somebody tried to get through.

47:36 Like the TSA had to buy his business. Listen to this. The TSA purchased 150 machines from them with $25 million in American Recovery and Reinvestment Act funds. Fuck you. I don't like – now, let me ask you a question. If you were strapped wearing a vest or if you're wearing drugs taped to your body or if you're concealing something like a plastic weapon.

49:56 No, but it's just more efficient. They got new iPhones. escalating past the point where they're at right now. That wasn't a thing. Those radar things didn't see plastic knives that you have concealed and taped to your body. that they could find. it's not a different experience. I don't like that already does that he needs people's seat if they lean back on him.

51:59 It sucks that everybody gets no space. Don't say that because it doesn't. You have a chair. Making a sandwich. Have you not seen those pictures of somebody slammed up? You wouldn't think that would be a cooler thing to do to not lean back and take away that space? You still can't see. Everyone gets annoyed by that. Do you know that that's ridiculous though?

54:31 If he wants to lean his chair back, I don't always lean my chair back. No, I haven't agreed ever. Right. I don't really give a fuck, Ari. Really? If you buy one of those, you're a cunt. That's pretty close. actually where there's the most room yeah and then there's like delta where it's like you're I don't think that ever happens. I lay back. It depends on the flight.

57:51 So easy to use. Please explain. But I pay for that space because I don't like the issues. And when I fly coach, I would recline if I wanted to. That was pre-mushrooms, kicking people's chairs. because I don't see the empathy and you going berserk the TSA people. You're being really hypocritical on that. It's really kind of silly that you're not looking at them as human beings. That definitely is the most aggravated I get in my life pretty much, the TSA people. You're being really hypocritical on that.

1:00:02 I went over this with Brendan Walsh once, and and he was like he made it kind of clear to me he was like they just them saying What? But while you're there and you are interacting with them you're choosing to make they're just people Right. I will. But that's – this is a part of flying. I say hi, and they say hi back. fucking difficult what do you think everyone's problem is with them they suck they suck it's

1:03:04 people these are people that are impoverished they options. Yeah, 12 to 15. So they don't have that many options. So who are these people? any situation, and have a group of them that are in control over a massive group of people and you ask them to behave orderly. I was like, why do we take our shoes off? And he was like of the guys say, I was like, why do we take our shoes off?

1:03:57 He's just some dude working. Yeah, I can see it from this point of view, too. Yeah, I've thought about that and I don't know. they've protocol to use drones armed drones on u.s civilians they're trying to figure out how to angrily react to stop them from doing it. But it's not to accomplish it. but what it is is childish yeah it's not necessary it's childish

1:06:11 And one of us avoided – or we all – Brian and I avoided any conflict whereas you went You're yelling because you know that they're forced to act in this very politically correct and that's bullying because you're you're I don't have to put my trays away. Holy shit, man. You mean the naked scanner? It's not that, I'm worried about them taking the control

1:08:21 But you know that they have to look at bags Who did? It's because they don't want anybody to get hurt. Oh, man, I don't even know. Well, you don't. Why not? it's not like i'm a flyer i can just get checked wait a minute that's just a few people what no When did this happen? You can't get it. Yeah. Listen, man. I force myself to fuck with them and then I just go back to being high.

1:11:15 If you're going somewhere … You have the power to talk about it on social media. No. it's way more fucking corrupt what i'm talking about is a guy like ron paul yeah who really a lot of Kennedy wanted to get rid is its own corporation. It's very similar as well. right i mean it's 50 less agents 50 less offices. Most of the federal government, if you don't need

1:13:39 to the other. and alter that doctrine you're making these decisions We don't trust them, the people anymore. But like anything else, once you've established an organization, it fights to stay alive. You know why we had Congress? But now we have email. Now we have email. So we don't even need that job. you be our congressman right you know why they did it why because people had horses yeah but now

1:16:24 are they looking out for the people are they really these amazing humanitarians that are just trying I mean I guess I might be if you compare me to a lot of douchebags. I mean i occasionally will No, you want a wise master. We're dealing with idiots. 47? Oh, my God. They're doing it because, oh, these fucking hippies. who lived in Mexico. You don't understand who Mitt Romney is.

1:20:10 Yeah. It was called the... Did you say N-Bomb? family down there. And in fact, they've had there was really virtually very little difference You get all the same TV shows they do, which is none. pigeon letters to those eight women that you cut loose because back then you know you couldn't It's illogical. telling this lady that she had to get out of her wheelchair yeah and uh she had to go through a

1:23:07 I don't want to wait my flight to be delayed because you've got some Chanel No. 5 that Brad Pitt's pushing. The real problem is there is going to be guys who want to blow up planes. They're scared of crashing. Why wouldn't you drop it on them? They should do that too. I saw a guy on the street that looked like newly homeless. And reality can get really slippery.

1:26:12 i wonder if i'm on an ssri or the other one i don't know you should probably find out maybe Well, I've never seen that before because I was like, wait, I've been through the security. Watch. Don't make me flip over the median. I think that shit's stupid. I've been around Brian long enough to know that. They're terrifying. And more so now than ever because people are fucking texting.

1:28:30 cars, your car is Bluetooth. It should recognize I saw a guy driving on the fucking 405 with no hands. That almost everyone does it. Every time. I can press this. it just calls you text Jason Tebow What? What's that? if you would have sex with somebody. You're just trying to hook up. almost every time you have like a little insecurity oh yeah deep down oh yeah isn't

1:31:44 Isn't that wonderful wonderful that's one of I was talking to this with a buddy of mine that he thought about some friend of about some friend of his some chick friend of his and he goes no we definitely should not And it's also like genetically you're wired to not just pursue but to achieve copulation. We talked about our ideas of sexuality. have sexual relationships with more than one person but they knew these people

1:34:50 They would just beat the fuck out of you and kill you. shooting wow yeah the government has been using school shootings for reasons for since the 1930s That was the first one? that was the actual presumably firing upon them in retaliation for bullying he expressed no armed with a gun, killed one of his schoolmates, and severely wounded several others,

1:36:40 That kid was not on SSRIs, right? In 1946, a 15-year-old student was shot in the basement of a Brooklyn school by seven thugs. Let's look that up. But the paper – or the – what is it? No way. Yeah. The only problem with that argument is that one of the very effects of antidepressants is the fact that you can just deal with shit easier. 66 school shootings?

1:38:55 No one's been on them their whole life. Yeah. Oh, God. No doubt about that. and someone allows that person to get victimized and become a horrific monster because they're Oh. No, Newtown, he's dead. What's he saying? but is the Newtown kid, did they kill him? That's weird. Newtown shooter. Hmm. Adam Lanza. Well, I kind of touched on it yesterday. actually stay there i think kt stayed there i just went home i was like kt did you barf in the bed

1:43:13 The guy in Colorado didn't, though. Yeah, it's fucking really dangerous. I bet they would like to just disappear. Payback. who thought he was being a patriot. If it's secretive and you can hide the information from the public, by removing the bodies, Yeah, it's their decision saying the public doesn't need this security issue. But that's why WikiLeaks didn't do any of that.

1:46:54 magazine could show the the the actual magnitude of those coffins and you would freak the fuck out Yeah, but that's not going to happen because nobody wants to just give up their oil, son. It seems like after about two hours, I start getting my ears feel like they're fast. All right. What do you think of all that? The only issue is I think that something like Comedy Central

1:48:52 thing is that you should own it and you right that's why you own it you decide what gets done It's half the price of a movie. Yeah, I think so. Yeah. And why should they put out another one of my specials? Yeah, or do it on my own and sell it to them. Don't play any of his material, man. Really? do stand up a hundred times because when we would do these shows like spike guys would come to the

1:52:11 Yeah, it was massive. Yeah, definitely. Well, maybe. First thing you tell me this early on, you're like, I don't do shit for my first three years. Hold the mic. And you're sort of repeating that echo. It's almost like, hey, this is what I'm going through in 2012. And I start going on the road a lot, and I just couldn't use it as much. Right. What are you doing here?

1:55:17 Like, I'm doing fine. And George Carlin, I mean, everybody really owes it to him. It's like you'll see the development of a person as a human through their material. So regimented i don't want to say any names again put my 2005 one on. Really? I just want to tell you, it wasn't dog shit. No, you're right. No, I think it was Showtime. They should be illegal.

1:57:38 Fuck you. I'm only three-quarters Italian. ucb stuff what What's going on? What is it called? Yeah. but he was making like a few hundred grand a year. That doesn't make any sense. The comics didn't get paid anything. and the comics don't get, don't charges and the comics don't get anything. If you don't like performing here, then don't perform. and how about don't you like that these awesome comics,

2:00:33 always that the store is the star and that you should be happy that you're performing at the That's not how it works. But when you have shows, It does. But it was my choice to help promote the club and keep it going because I realized as a They were struggling. And that somehow or another you're getting exposure. any of her material she was legit it's a different time but yeah she was definitely legit but she

2:03:24 Now it's actually the exact opposite. Not that you're trying to be, but there's no stakes for failing. better we could organize i mean i think we do it every time we do uh shows at the ice house you how much does it cost to keep open? where the comics, it benefits them to work there. Because I always take pictures with people afterwards. greg fitzsimmons brian cowan you joey diaz i mean they're they're murderers murderer after murderer

2:06:04 but i've been there for 10 years i was like but bob osha doesn't get spots either he goes but he you talk to and you just know they suck a dick. Peter Chen used to do that. He used to complain about not getting on stage. He goes, I've been there 10 years. Peter Chen was the only guy Chris McGuire was going to, he was going to audition for Mitzi. So at the height of Fear Factor.

2:07:00 As an employee, we're like, fucking Joe Rogan is hosting tonight. pick out of a hat yeah how lucky is he who you get yeah and i remember you watching and just laughing Yeah. it's only reason you're doing it's for validation i always wonder like what is it about like certain He's like Dane Cook was when he was at his peak. Like they're doing movies of his stand-up.

2:09:19 were trying to replicate human beings yeah for, for the Matrix. It was like Invasion of the Body Snatchers, which, by the way, I watched the other day. which was fucking awesome. It really holds up. Really? That's cool. Do you remember it? Yeah. Yeah. It really holds up. Jeff Goldblum was in it. I forgot Jeff Goldblum was in it. Yeah. He's so young and skinny. It's interesting. It's such a different style of film, like the way they did. Jeff Goldblum is in it.

2:10:16 Like the girl from Sex and the City, when she was in LA Story, the Force Faced one. She was still pretty hot at 50. Well, you can just change the names to protect the innocent. Who's the star? Yeah And you can all press your image He's a good man But how old is this young gal now? Because I know this means it's coming out if we do this. Because it's totally cool on everybody's part?

2:12:15 She's not my sister. Israelis have a lot more Sephardic Jews. Oh my god. and they're trying to reconstruct the brain piece by piece in a supercomputer-based model and simulation. to do is uh they're gonna advance uh robotics and um it's really crazy it's a 10-year uh project they're going to be able to go from Europe to Australia in 90 minutes. I don't know.

2:15:31 Five year. Stop and think about that. Oh, yeah. Motherfucking lean the seat back into me. Oh, And when we say 50 years, we go, oh, that's so far away. So all we do is we all die off, and then the next generation comes in. Oh, out. Yeah. So it would cause some flight but nothing damaging at all. choose to just roll the dice and this thing of building these breakers like oh out in the way

2:18:01 The size of the universe opens and closes. How was that? Yeah, it's hard, isn't it? But they'll still be over a whole weekend. It's almost sold out most of the show. This time, two shows sold out in advance. big theater. I've been So let me – this is some of the tweets. Looking at the Super Bowl. But he's out here doing the new version of the cosmos, which is going to be fucking amazing.

2:21:51 Go get some, you dirty fucks. Is that this coming weekend you're in West Palm? Thanks, man. You know, that is partly in thankful to you because I probably but it's even better now you're gonna know that if you didn't know that already he's a great guy we got some cool shit You know the Iran Contra scandal? So like he paid the government where'd you get this?

2:24:20 In a way. Fascinating, fascinating guy. Oh, yeah. So I want you to take a week off and listen to all Ari's podcasts. Thank you to audible.com. Rogan. Thank you for coming out