Joe Rogan Experience #326 — Bryan Callen Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! Always fun when I come off stage anywhere I am and people always go, I'm like, yes, thank you. About life, about insecurities, breeding, politics. And also telling them the way they feel is fine. I can pay her to bang. is the people that we know that are flawed, Like Joey Diaz is fucked up and sweet. No, you've got to be ethical.

2:38 We go – I said – you asked me a question and I said yes. But if you came to your friend and went, dude, I fucked your girlfriend. It's really hard to hate somebody for that. I'm going to try. You're really talking to me. like real con artisty yeah they've always seemed weird and fucked up always yeah it's like when and you get away with them when you're younger

5:27 Not being too hard on yourself either. But those mistakes are huge. he had had five flops, That's right. That was Mozart. they suck when they happen man like bombing on stage is fucking terrible but it's been one of Jim Brewer and I did a gig in – I think it was somewhere around New York City, like Nanuet or one of those places. It was like the beginnings of me headlining.

9:32 i was literally on ice i was like i can't i got because i'm so physical i was like i'm in leather He caught this gear. You know how sometimes a comic just hits that super kill frequency without just laying it down, laying it down? way my act was structured back then i sucked i i had to do it in this order yeah like i would start I wish I did. Your voice is so weird.

11:43 Oh, I know what it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were just like – and you go, look at all these sluts. It was crazy, man. That was like my first. do this churning butter bit or i would do punching a cow to death. Yeah, I bet they probably do because you let that book out and it's gone. sometimes i think that that's almost i like that even more like like when i have a day where i come

14:37 It's all rhythm. insides or whatever to find it you know well that's like the idea of sculpture is that that's And inspiration comes in waves representative to how you feel about life. If I have anything I feel like I'm lying about or I'm not – I haven't closed an end. And you said, it was great. I could make that choice. For me to stay on of mind yeah yeah it'd be yeah well you know you know who you are you know you know who you are if

18:18 and you're all working towards trying to find some path in each other's life, our life because it takes the pressure off us. Fatigue is energy. That might just be who the fucking character is today. You can regulate it by your choices. And if you're constantly in conflict, There's a huge difference between critical thinking, knowing what's good and bad for

21:09 you know that disaster looms ahead right you got to know that critical thinking is very important This guy just showed his face. They put a sticker on themselves. And everybody would just be – he was kind of like kryptonite. strangeness yeah but it's it's a habit you know i think success can become a habit you learn how to They're walking around going, what if I'm not lovable?

24:09 The goals. when you have like things that you're trying to accomplish you learn about yourself along the way A lot of people like young guys I notice don't really know what to do with their energy. That's a successful person. I would way rather be This guy we met, who was a neurosurgeon For a second, I thought this guy was good. and he had money and he was

26:29 the whole night. Have you seen it, Brian? he threatened people he didn't he did apparently from what hear, he destroyed people's lives with those lawsuits. That's one thing. Okay? Yeah, you guys have to watch. Will Sasso, I want to say, is Get up, that's really funny. I love it. Okay, for the folks listening, With his mouth? Yeah. bill burr thing he was talking i didn't think lance owed anybody uh from conan o'brien he didn't do

30:37 Oprah was interviewing him and acting like But she stood on the heads of those little people. Yeah. oh, this is absolutely, this is ridiculous. They're not going to turn in your yachts. It's such a good point, too. Because your name is, by the way, Brian Callen. That's your nickname. I say that a lot, right? by the way some doctors by the way Brian Cohen because your name is by the way Brian Collins that's your nickname I say all right by the way the

33:11 They'll have the tour de front. Yeah. I'll take a fucking pill. He does, but look at Joey Diaz. When they would put a needle in your foot that corresponded to liver or something, the part of your brain, I guess, that gets stimulated when your liver produces whatever it might be would ignite. That was what was so interesting about the special where the scientists had an – oh,

35:13 So you might pee more or you can numb parts of the body with needles hitting different meridian points. What are these meridian points? So just by giving you the little needles? So there's a clog, if you will, of energy. There is a body of Western thought based on empirical evidence that suggests that that Well, here's what they'll say. I think because it's a big metal pool, it collects kind of like a small, very micro charge in each one of them.

38:28 And so the idea is – what a Chinese doctor will tell you is take a child. produce cancer cells, I mean, colon cells and heart cells and things like that. When you get So irregular cell growth can be shut off by scrambling that message before it hits – when it comes from the brain before it hits that actual cell. So the flow of electricity in your body. body's electrical charge? Is that the idea behind acupuncture? Currents. Currents.

40:49 I think there's a lot of different kinds of it. but actually using just acupuncture to numb that area. What kind of nonsense is that? He was a cop. Look, he's a crazy person, but he's a legit martial artist, at least as an Aikido practitioner. that are very unique and unusual. Like, look, no one was front-kicking to the face It was his manager. I've never seen anybody do it like that before.

43:58 fought was in the mid 60s probably which is just you know smaller when he fought Takahashi. He was smaller back then. uh stephan bonner he fought at 205 and i believe he was like 203 204 so it was like I don't know. No. He wants to fight GSP at 170, I think. Yeah. How much is a gallon? Four pounds. How much? Essentially, we're talking about two gallons of water.

47:06 i remember sucking weight and i used to just literally have dreams of being in the desert For head injuries, it's super dangerous. poisoned his whole high school career he had no motivation for school he had no motivation for I know in high school I believe you can't use any kind of sauna. What do you weigh? pugilistic dementia and stuff like that.

49:19 By the way, ethically, if you know that your player has a concussion but the game is riding on it, it puts a lot of pressure on everybody. His first steps of his life literally can be fucked up because he's cutting weight all the time. Like, hey, he's back. Oh, that's where I went to high school, up in Massachusetts. Just living their lives, man. I just appreciate it.

51:30 It's much more aggressive than macho than, say say the West Coast or like Seattle, San Francisco, even Canada. They're twice as likely. You got tabbouleh? We totally do. all of a sudden you're getting blown you know's great. The reality of pursuing an actual real honest-to-goodness blowjob, that's going to be lost forever. Never knowing which one's real and which one isn't

53:39 This is the roaring 20s You still have whiskey. Jeff Scott. that is it yeah that's a sports jacket over the white t-shirt look. Oh, no, Ted Nugent has that. That's, like, a rare photo of Kinison just being Kinison, just hanging out. clapton sam kinnison phil collins at the look at their high pants high pleated pants now that's The way he was doing all those bits on religion.

56:24 Yeah. So he does this fucking bit, man. Oh, oh. We're ancient. Well, no, because you had a way in. laughing and i understand that but i'm i think i talk about crazy shit i'm an asshole like the So I got one knuckle in her asshole, right? i mean those kind of stories you can't talk about on stage. Right. It's amazing. And it's huge. It's not the Joe Rogan Experience.

1:01:07 And by the way, it's the size of kills it? It's just going to rip a lion apart. Yeah, tigers are much larger. And then just put this thing in the grass looking around the corner or something like that. He got hit by one girl. They had been looking for her. Yeah, I knew those. The city water tank? You're a sick fucker. There's one out there. I don't know. I just got a tweet

1:03:58 being honest and crazy i had a great acting teacher i think i can say his name because he And they were like, what do you mean? They weren't the tree. He would use this idea if he was tired or feeling sick that he would just literally put his mind over there, off himself, take himself out of the – and actually watch himself move through what he had to get done.

1:06:01 Because I'm terrified of being that guy. The oldest sport in the Olympics. I agree. hard way if you're not careful and i think everything is that way you know you better I gain a lot from just the practice and the stretch of trying to learn how to have all four limbs doing something independent. It's this feeling of invigoration whenever you pursue anything that you find to be fun,

1:08:28 pushing him into football and he really wants to suck cock I'm an actual man. Who's in this movie? He's so angry. You got to find out what your groove is. It is amazing that there's no one that's ever come out with a really effective guidebook on how to live life in a successful direction like no one can ever tell And he goes, yeah, I fucked a pig.

1:10:37 If you're going to admit that, I can admit fucking anything. You need support, though. I read a couple of Batmans, a couple of Supermans. They're ready to shoot themselves. Marvel did have some werewolf comic book Man, I remember that. When I was trying to become a stand-up comedian, And I had some decent comic books. And I think they're like, let's get the fuck out of here.

1:13:45 That was the first place where I had ever done any sort of performing. I was like eight. But I'd take that money and then I would buy comic books. will you know i'd never get recognized If I walked into any comic book store people in comic book stores are listening? What percentage Fuck the moon. I was just thinking of your dad tucking you in. Well, because I wanted to remember it.

1:15:50 They had comic book buyer's guides and shit. But just like if you're in love with somebody, you're never going to want to kill them. Yeah. that's crazy man yeah that had to be a weird feeling that had to be a weird feeling yeah i You're like, no, no, no. Yeah. I never made any huge mistakes. You see this guy is a – this is a wreck. probably not to get too deep or crazy but i think it was probably because you had a little bit of a

1:19:34 one of the things that was kind of crazy is i wish we had some of this on film um when you first were Because they have lapels. I don't care if I'm sitting next to Robert De Niro or some big scientist now or whatever. you are just thinking to yourself i am really ultimately somebody who has a lot to learn and to make a bunch of people laugh same thing it's yeah you hone that craft you gotta figure out how

1:22:35 when I did that awesome show with you They're of one mind in some ways. Because I've pretty much dissected everything, getting out and getting things done. I had a blast. Very rarely do we have a negative moment in any of these shows. They're all the way up to the bleachers, like the top of those bleachers. like when with voice, the, the, If they sold out that arena,

1:25:16 I love that place. Well, we need to come up with a new place because what I try to do is do it wherever the fights are. Remember? And your proof is? These things are goddamn huge. on a different branch that varied from where we are today. They would talk about a cataclysmic disaster that wiped out an earlier, more advanced civilization. but there's this glass that exists at the strata around 12,000, 13,000 years ago where the entire – like all throughout Europe smashed by these meteors.

1:29:45 The first time there was a language that was written in alphabet. and they had ways to get around. The topography allowed you to share information. It's pretty amazing. things. Llamas are But it's real possible that they could have been an advanced civilization without any help from aliens. Right. taking probes and putting them on Mars. And you're living on this planet,

1:33:29 And people have added their own bullshit to it. Infinite? it's the idea that's a hater hater said that you took a fucking it's the same idea as you take a There's so many variables. Then there is a world somewhere where a man flips a coin on a table and it lands on its side a hundred times in a row. but how big was that meteor that hit not big you know what the biggest piece they've got from it is?

1:35:52 Like Tunguska. Well, the Tesla maniacs all think that that was Nikola Tesla fucking with his death ray because it coincided with around the same time that Westinghouse was aiming to shut down his ability to project electricity through the air. and he also was in love with a pigeon. that insanely supercharged. But pull up the pictures, Brian. You're plugging in your gay hybrid car.

1:38:16 You son of a bitch. It's the quietest car ever. It's relaxing. Brian, see that picture in the top? They were used to walking around with fucking candles and shit. 20? Tesla world Number two would be Johnny Cash Really? Fuck yeah How come? I want to hear some stories man three people who would they be he'd be number one really yeah yeah he'd be number one number two

1:40:56 dude's a badass actor i just thought that i mean i shouldn't even say that i don't like him because No. I'm not trying to – Yeah, you really don't because a lot of checks You really should be Just because they're friends. without your body even interfering. Then March 2nd, we are at the Palace in Columbus. How many specials have you done? not so good.

1:43:41 Cassette? And then Talking Monkeys in Space, which was the one that was on Spike TV and Comedy Central. I haven't been so into creating new material and fucking around on stage in such a long time. and it gets on a special and it's out there. But then of course as soon as I put it on, I got some new taglines. Well, I think that comedy is one of those things like almost everything in life, like being a human being.

1:45:34 And I can tell anybody this. They tried to pay me at the Laugh Act. It's not like here to punch the clock, give me my $15. He does more for charity than anybody I know. Buddy, because do you remember when Paul Mooney come to my club and wants to say the N-word He thought he could get away with something and he went down a road and it didn't work. And he was so infuriated that his point of view immediately went racial.

1:48:05 You're an asshole. Yeah, everywhere he went, people were opening doors for him and getting him things. already famous and then try to get good at comedy yeah that takes fucking balls the only person i've because everybody was writing your stuff. You had a bunch of really talented, hilarious writers And you start going to the comedy store. most famous person in the world.

1:50:30 He was dragging this girl to show to show, this big boob, big butt girl in it. at the comedy store no it was Brett Ernst went to the... I have a picture of me and him. And it's too bad I didn't stay. I auditioned for him and he was mean to me. what does he do what does a guy like kramer do chatterbait all He's always at Moonshadow's, that bar or whatever, that bar or restaurant in Miami or –

1:53:10 Oh, I don't know about that, man. I get drunk and I'm like, the Jews. It was so hilarious. Wow. Oh, no. By the way, That wasn't the first time I'm on her side. It's done for you. Because when you drink that much, I thought Apocalypto was an amazing movie. You know, he's really good. That was hilarious. When I saw my first initial reaction seeing the preview was, this is a sketch. thought it was a skit that was for a long period. I just auditioned for the guy that did that. When I saw the,

1:56:12 But then to find out get sucked into this fucking movie? Wow. Two fingers in. She looks looks phenomenal her skin and her tight like she's gorgeous damn she's getting some damn I am I know Yeah, she, I don't know. She speaks fluent French. problem with it right if tom cruise and i'm not saying tom cruise is gay but if tom cruise was gay when you're women that are coming out it's like we don't really have that much of a problem with that.

1:58:18 And also there's also the stigma of disease and all that stuff that comes with it too, right? Because that's college. As a goof, I'm going to jerk it off. I don't think it looks any bigger. It would just go all the way in your mouth. And I was thinking, how lucky – they have Blender for women, but that's bullshit. But who wants to be president? Do you think you'd be able to handle the pressure without going totally white hair in six months?

2:00:15 Yeah. Totally change it like any other thing. I think the hardest thing about being president is that everybody is watching everything you do all the time. it almost like an 80s movie you know like an 80s movie like you just became the president Piggies. I remember being 14 and I was – I've never had – I was literally like, I think my dick like her face

2:01:59 were you thinking about Is she also the girl from Weird Science, that same girl? I did a movie with Kelly LeBrock. She's another one. Did you get any vibe? And yeah, I was trying to do everything I could. There you go. But fuck yourself when you do that. What do you want from me? the industry the fuck are you talking about? How dare you lie to the people?

2:04:17 It didn't look good. It was very good. It's scary. One of my favorite movies I've seen in a while. Huh. That's what. Who did is great. You know what it is? It's Fight Club for Writers. Who did it? That's what. It could have been – I think it would have been better if they cut out like a half an hour of it. My podcast, The Brian Callen Show. But now as we know more –

2:06:02 I was like, you're a Delta Force guy. A lot of the graduation pictures, Right. and he doesn't need to sleep, I'll tell you that much. it when he's kicking ass you totally believe you believe it when he's a. You believe it when he's kicking ass. You totally believe it. You believe it when he's a killer. You believe it when his hands are shaking. I'm in a group.

2:07:55 And I run through the room. He was with all the big – what they call combat action group, CAGs, these rough like delta guys. practicing jujitsu he's like this is the gayest this is the this is every gay man's dream it's That was James Bond. No. Oh, my God. He stepped on the head. His foot is in it in place. Oh, he fucked up, though. He stepped on the head.

2:09:52 It's like his leg, his pant leg is caught on the tooth. That's the real deal. I go, what are you talking about? actually made life stop that's what the Delta guy said to me. They're just warrior code, you know, different different kind of reality when is that going to stop existing But is it that? where Einstein said, I want the world to be peaceful

2:12:38 and this is one of the things that makes me crazy about taking wrestling out of the Olympics and you're just sending them loose in the world with no guaranteed exertion of this vehicle. And if you're not involved in something physical, so there's that. to something and that reacting to something in a positive way is not a sign of weakness it's not try to get better at something. Yeah. I mean, I was never a bully, but moments where someone was

2:15:29 them how to manage their stresses manage their emotions manage their friendships manage this the that say that is what's missing in the idea of the president and we haven't really had a mentor And unfortunately, he surrounded himself with a bunch of people Now we have a government that doesn't track the will of the people. were inspiring dreams. He's just doing his best to try to keep it together or he never really intended to do

2:18:48 They need a person of ideas. And one of the things I like about Tim is he's so optimistic in the idea that, hey, That's all well and good but you still have the same government. OK. Let's start educating ourselves on, for example, how to eat, what's wrong with the school lunch program, what's wrong with the way we feed people, etc. on this question exactly and he said the the real scary thing is you have a lot of good people in

2:22:24 You get so caught up in the – It's got to – if it's possible for one person to interact pleasantly with another person, that's impossible for all of us to interact pleasantly with each other. And that has to be global. There's less violence. We've got to read each other's works. They've got access to it. That's what's amazing. It's too crazy. let people vote on the internet.

2:25:37 There's a way to buying things online. OK? How many people is that? where the head of the snake is, then you can be more effective. That's why being educated about You control more resources. What does that mean? Because then there's going to be less DEA age. And who are these people? called So Damn Much Money, the scary thing about the way Washington works now is it's become its own industry.

2:29:06 says hey you got a lot of contacts your rolodex we want to hire you my friend because you know are the richest in the country, and it's totally, completely unnecessary. You're going to run into some bottleneck have to look at each other as equal, as brothers and sisters, as people that could be your And connection. It's rife with fuckery. I mean we all have these incredible jobs.

2:32:22 It's not necessary to have massive amounts of conflict. the richest and most rewarding way to live this life is in fellowship with other humans. It's not. And that's the end of the show. on the dining room table War! Powerful Brian Callum. They support our podcast. We send it out to the universe.