Joe Rogan Experience #33 — Dane Cook Transcript

Transcript

0:00 We are live, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much for tuning in to the podcast. I have not. You're supposed to. Anyway. And then once you're done and you ejaculate, can you open that to clean it out? It feels way better, as a flashlight? or something like that. I did. What kind of a fucking you know, the BMX guy and all She called back. She goes, I got you courtside for the last

2:45 It was weird, man. And it felt like the Boston or something back in New York at like 2 in the morning. Yeah, I wrote a whole blog about her. and I was like, holy shit. And even people on the radio were like, she was lip syncing. That's scary as fuck. Decapitated. Yeah. Right. A little bit, man. Yeah, I don't think you're allowed to do that. They killed JFK.

5:45 you are guaranteed fucking insane. terrible movies he was doing. that I heard was I've heard of a bunch of people doing that All you can really do is just play into it and just tell her you love Elvis and take where he's so fucking bored, and you watch this. actually did years ago based on what she wrote where she finally talked about how insecure he

7:56 You know how we used to always roll with huge groups of people? arguing with each other It was too much though. and we'd all go out together. Bobby Kelly, Al DelBene. The Light Ships. It was interesting. But we were so bad at improv that our first rules was denied so we were just come in A little unusual Or skits or improv Or do you just a sketch guy i really rather prefer watching

11:17 How did you turn the corner? He introduces you and he goes to the left and you go to the right. But I know Anthony, so I know he's troubled. Funny. And then nothing. Like a real nice guy. This is what I want to do. It freaks you out hard. in marketing yourself and or promoting yourself or you or you're not seeing it the way other people are seeing it.

14:05 Damn. That's why I recorded my special there. And how do you go up after somebody is fucking doing juggling fucking chainsaws which is hilarious by the way and then That's like a real, it's like it's so hard to fucking, especially when you don't have an audience, to really find your own voice. and you're like wow your stand up right out of it I would go back to New York, go back to comedy.

16:08 all right now i'm stuck so then um right after that i got a deal with nbc and before i know when Exploding shoe guys, I guess. Fuck. And saving up for your first incredible car. Used. Charcoal gray. makes this cue called a Gina cue. Do you collect anything? So that was kind of my thing. I bought a 911 Turbo and it broke down. They're fucking crap. They make them so well.

19:13 They wanted Windows 95 on those things. but but it was such a poorly crafted car inside that i was like why don't i just get a You want Japanese. There's no doubt about it. It was like it was engineered by an American guy. The lamest podcast of all time. So you get a little something or you have a Yeah. Don't you ever walk around your house? That's the fucking most liberating feeling ever.

22:09 I literally physically felt lighter. Barry Katz was the big one. And they were booking colleges, go to these colleges, get your checks, about doing around every once in a while Barry will be like you want that 300 and I'm like no Yeah, I know that story. So the rumor is, you don't have to say anything, that he stole like $11 million from you. That had been such a betrayal.

24:30 i started in 1990 and then i looked and i was like all right this is gone i never had this in a lot of years What's there for me while but you can't fucking take somebody's creativity it always comes back to you'll have and feeling these new bits come alive It's the best feeling on earth, man, really. And you want to make sure you get through the set good, and just just do the stuff that you know is gonna work don't fuck

26:52 killers, man. What people don't He was better than all of them. And you would just feel humbled They'd be like why would I be a fucking nobody but you felt so fucking honored to be opening up and there was this I'm gonna hire a nigga was there These were real hardcore blue-collar guys. You had to constantly reassess your material. with like okay wait a minute this is this is the next guy coming up there's that you know people

30:13 And I mean, that's what it felt like to me. You know, people get upset at other people's success, you know, and you can feel it. I think it's the internet. And look, we've been shown that we live in a place where we have a fake economy that is recognized as fake by everybody. But we're still pretending that it's real. to be a cunt. I asked for questions

31:37 that were just so fucking douchey. to perpetuate a moment or something because they want to get away from that. Those are people too that they really want so badly to perpetuate a moment or something And it makes it okay that they can't It was fucking terrible. There were some really interesting parts in it, but there was a part at the end where I was like,

32:42 I was figuring, this is a long story. so I wrote on Twitter no but I'm something back But it only lasted for like a little bit. You're a gamer, right? You do 10 hours a day but it was like the computer He would just— It was beyond rape. but then I'd hear through his whatever headset, I'm like, fuck, come on. you don't think about you know it's w-a-s-d use the keys to move backward and strafe side to side

36:13 I was a complete junkie. electronics trying to buy like shit that i didn't think he had. I'm like, is there a mouse that has every button already on? Oh, man. You're like, motherfucker. And they did a thing with Microsoft. But you can't get as good. But you know how fun it is to get on your Xbox and go, Is he any good? Does he play like Joe? Dude, he's the punisher.

38:52 That's so strange. We're talking about someone completely crazy. But I didn't understand why Marin didn't understand that he's completely insane. Fuck. some troops was that you? Really? First time Steve Trevino he comes, It's like, why? It's very strange. But they don't fear the consequences of their actions. wants attention so badly that it's willing to go through those early days right because you know

41:58 It's funny because I can do huge fucking arenas. And she was doing this thing on stage. that moment like damn i just got that bitch yeah yeah yeah that's when the soundtrack starts man And he goes – and I was starting to do like plays or like write stuff, and he goes, Yeah. But for sure. But god damn, My friend Eddie, we've talked about that. a lot of the time the development time like dude you could be a comic just listen to me i can help

44:56 Yeah, well, they just don't know how to be perceived. yeah you have to you have to it's it's about being revealing and then finally not giving a between you and the audience you get it like little bits oh it'll touch you a little but it doesn't grab you and hug you you Do you listen to yourself a lot? this is the stuff I grew up with. And not only that, but I started having things happen in my life, in my personal life, especially with my folks, that really were like, all right, you know what?

48:00 Absolutely. Or I've had bits from my old CDs but I had an old bit about just shitting on England, You know, no regrets because everything builds you up to where you're at. much fucking just kept showing up, people love Dave Chappelle. What the fuck is that? And then what do I have? Am I going to get brain damage for no money or I'm going to become a comic?

50:58 In Boston, man, those people in the snow, in the sun, 90 fucking degrees out, hammering nails. people especially on friday night 10 o'clock show, they're fucking tired, dude. That's what it is. checking to see if I had a fucking staph infection people. You could just send out an email with 300,000 Right. It was always me, still. They fucked up. They don't.

53:40 Not letting you put fucking glitter tags. Oh, no way. and it's all the most psychotic specifically with those people I was like, holy shit, that's Dane Cook. They pretended this guy was famous. I mean, they're picking on him. because he is still talking about that movie I wish Ted Nugent was on Twitter. It's like a party that I put together with all these nutty people that should never be together.

56:23 So whatever the links are, it makes it like an article like Hollywood Reporter or People Magazine, and you flip through. Yeah. With the pictures in like a magazine. So whatever the links are, It's cool. I got Pulse. People don't even want to fucking log into a site anymore. Yeah, you have a couple iPhone apps I mean, I think one of the best companies out there

57:42 you can hit new york with a say now voice message hey tickets today if you guys want to come see me it's last minute as opposed to myspace or whatever If you have like TweetDeck or something like that, there's no way you're going to catch it. to follow right i love like seeing like religious people right next to porn stars yeah i love when and I try to just make it

59:01 I will say this, doing this that's one of the reasons why i won't talk about on the air yeah yeah them to know that It was just the most ridiculous messages that I got. I'm not going to say I think the phone call I like it when I'm You would rather text than have a conversation? I just disconnect my phone, man. I'm going to write. Yeah, but like my mom.

1:01:23 it makes it turn into Tron. That's smart, man. i won't let anybody help me you know people came were like, you're going to hire this guy and no one will ever know. because I wrote it. That's what it is. you could use someone else's eye, It's like comedy in a way. It's like I'm in this weird semi-conscious state when I'm writing it's in the air somewhere.

1:04:01 and then I started writing But you're not going to get the best shit. And I'm always doing a million different things at once as you are too. Yeah. I'm always doing a million different things. So it's hard to fucking piece together all this new shit and then i'm really like piecing it together and i'm always doing a million different things as once as as you are too yeah i'm always doing a million different things so it's hard to

1:05:34 someone will yell out like and nicole smith like i can't do it that bit's like seven minutes long reenacting comedian's bits that I saw She comes up to me and she goes, you've got to see this comedian. Here these guys are. It never ends. my parents took me to see Live on the Sunset Strip. It's kind of funny about stand-up comedy, man, because Richard

1:07:58 One of the most important pioneers of comedy I was crying laughing. Because Stripes had been out at the time. That was huge. scared on the way to tournaments. And that's how I got to talk to to doing stand-up comedy man but fuck it's um stand-up comedy working so smoothly i really can't even take credit for it that's interesting because i like Every part of my body feels like it's emitting fucking stand-up.

1:11:08 and he would do these gigantic arenas I'm Rick James, bitch! yes but not like that right not like that not a t-shirt right do that weird feeling that, you know, it's also like when you are first starting And I was not a fully formed person yet. But I know that I did not have anything to say. but you were and i threw off a little bit because you were saying like so then when

1:13:27 I literally uploaded clips with me at the end going, visit DaneCook.com at the end of I got to light a fire. And then I'm doing all the college stuff in over three, four, five years. That's really what I did most of my day. No, but it took a while, man. Like everything was done through Totally changed my over my house that i didn't know from that they were just my quake buddies and they would come

1:16:37 I'm like, let's do this. We're on 33.6. Sure. Right? No. And you brought up my dad. you have to have something to prove. Think about all the guys that we started out with that were just as good as us. I could see that guy headlining. She was still trying to figure out how to go on stage. and some of them just it's just too far up he died. What happened to that now?

1:19:50 Oh, well, I don't know that. like you know maybe not you know he's a little socially awkward all this shit and what a trip But he did say to me at one point, he goes, I go, not even at the, and he goes, I never had that. I wonder if he's just got some weird connect in his mind. That says it all, man. crafty, professional chicks What's her name? But people have your name.

1:22:20 And I forget who it was. I was like, whoa, that is creepy. You ever go to the Sky Bar? And there was always and coyotes preying on balding Jewish men with money. I met Gene Simmons. My uncle used to work We were like, holy shit, two nights in a row, we're seeing Kiss. head the entire time i'm on stage junior high school motley crew i was listening to you know

1:24:41 He's fucking doing what I was doing at his fucking show to me So he was talking to me about, like, who's a good trainer? Didn't that happen, though? Like, at a music award? Well, I think somebody punched somebody. I think Kid Rock, that would have been one of the saddest fights of all time. Didn't that happen, though, like at a music award? Like, you know, you think he's down.

1:25:52 I would probably have to bank on Kid Rock there. Drummers have a lot of fucking endurance, man. People forget that he's a fucking drummer. He's not out there beating it for Motley Crue, right? This is for the folks Oh, I got a whole shirt. That's all it is. It's like you're wearing a rash guard out. a Kinison or one of those guys? He's still a very funny guy.

1:27:33 and I had never gone on stage yet. and whatever. It's like people are coming to see him and then they're coming to see me. I saw him live like four or five times. I would say. and he'd do this Kinison-like thing. I know you had an Anthony Clark period. Everybody thinks it's Hicks, But he stopped that after a while. I saw him once, and sometimes it sounds like it on stage yeah but he stopped that after a

1:29:48 all right, this is what I need to do his ideas and philosophies And don't give me any nutty fucking 9-11 conspiracy website bullshit. And when you look at his material, you know, it's like there was no period where it was bad. It got better and better and better. I think one thing that he really latched onto, and i think with some comedians it's like it's not even so much about what they're saying is how they're expressing

1:31:53 I mean, literally, that was the bug. yeah well he got caught up in that mtv wild thing You're right. It was like the trench coat became an out, You know, That's where I really liked, And I remember thinking it was the funniest shit I'd ever heard in my life. that it's like like if you're like a Potsy I need to be recognized I know, but I was a kid.

1:33:56 It's all right. That becomes what you crave, I really believe. Because at first you just want to keep my fans. I got to hold people along the way. I lost a few. I got a few stragglers. That becomes what you crave, I really believe, dude, listen, I jumped on the hate train or whatever. But that's cool, man. He was doing Soundgarden, But, you know, go ahead.

1:35:09 out here and they're like what do i need to do i'm like get the fuck out of here you shouldn't come You know, like a whole new wave. Oh, my God. is like that was really they were setting this tempo. That is true. But you know, it's like you just nailed it. Because when you're not famous and you're struggling and you're coming up and you're just starting to do well and then you see somebody start ganking off you, you're like, hey, hey, hey, I created all

1:37:42 let them do it. And it's kind of fucking flattering even though it's still, you know. You have to have your own delivery. that gets you know put in that position. Yeah. opening for him this guy was a douche and he he would go on stage and they because i've known i mean i've known al since i was a kid 13 years old bobby since i started uh bobby robert kelly and us three definitely i can hear

1:40:51 But I don't say it in front of him And the worst is the one friend that you have an idea and you start saying the idea and they try to top it and they start talking over you. Stop, stop, stop. Territorial pissings. You're waiting that whole time for that? Is that MC Chris? I've been calling him Chris for like months. your fucking shit is gone from my brain.

1:42:30 But they remember everything. pussy addict and he doesn't think it's a big deal and these girls aren't going to be attached to him and you forgot her name already. Right. and you're just moving on to the next chick and about eight months single. Yeah. Sometimes I am too, man, because it really was – I lived to perform because my folks were just the coolest fucking people.

1:44:25 That's it. You're clear. like the odds are, Right. auditioning for could be the biggest fucking moment in their life. getting rejected, No, And they just can't quite connect. Will you read lines with me? That's the difference. Guys like Joey It's the people that are not making the connection. Doesn't have any friends, committed to this acting thing.

1:47:27 what the fuck everything she always said Yeah. Right, right. I am kind of dating a girl now. Charlie Murphy. I like the way he threw the little gulp in the middle. When you do it now, do you give yourself a specific amount of time? you know after some crazy you know years i'm just trying to have or whether it was, you know, to just be a regular I find that it drives me

1:50:31 Yes. until you find the rhythm of it, I mean, a lot of those guys, unfortunately, kept the same act for years and years and Like Terminators? That's more important to them than anything. what the fuck johnny was talking about half the time when i was a kid but it was like this idea how easy this is. And look, it's not polished. And it becomes itself.

1:53:15 I get that. Who was I? So nobody really, I mean, this is a fantastic opportunity that we have today to do something go from this to getting that fame or fan base Bo Burnham. everywhere packing places right But let's be devil's advocate for a minute. They're nowhere near prepared. And it was because I was buying lobster like every night. I logged into like a poker fucking website.

1:56:05 Five grand like that. Come on, man. These poker things, not only that, Oh yeah, for sure. I used to play chess online worst is scrabble everyone's addicted to scrabble apps and facebook scrabble there's so many websites It's fucking insane. I mean, it literally is a branch of business. Whenever you're going to have any sort of a situation like that

1:58:25 It's happening. When you think about, like, pretty soon everything, access to everything, all the time. all the time dude people are crazy you ever write them back sometimes i'll write them back just for Good evening, sir. to get out the box. Yeah, phishing sites are big, man. That was a good trick, too. Copying everything. At least I didn't Twitter my phone number.

2:00:55 It's fascinating. It's the coolest shit, man. That app is great, man. I will get it. I will get it tonight. They can ring your phone. They never fuck out of here. That's why you got to get Sane Out, man. Yeah, it sounds like an awesome thing. It's the coolest shit, man. I do a thing. Because I met someone who was trying to get me to do that years ago, but of course I blew

2:01:34 Just a few, man. Here's the exact location. There's an app on your iPad where you can just sit here and put your address in. yeah that's creepy really? Right? Like, I downloaded a weather app, and it was just supposed to give me the weather. yeah yeah fucking take full advantage it's a magic trick you know It's a very strange thing when people are under the spell.

2:04:09 That's how it would be with Steve Martin. I'm like, fuck. And he told me I was asking about The Jerk. Wow. Like, no more crazy. seriously and they start making They lose this perspective and all of a sudden they start thinking that they're this voice of reason that people need to hear. A lot, right? I'm there to make you escape for a little bit. Shut up.

2:07:22 A lot of that stuff really – it's almost you're disrespecting certain topics by doing stupid shit. Like a Joey Diaz You can beat on them every once in a while. and then hours later I'll be at the diner eating, clapping, and laughing. I just watched Burr again on Letterman And he's not going to use his power to do that. Does it freak you out? Aren't you like, why these big places? Does it freak you out that, like,

2:09:20 he's just, he's so they landed early. that's one of the things that i said also that I think people really love about him Shut your mouth, attention whore. Stop fucking spamming me. If Mrs. Rogan Arenas, Steve Martin was doing also, he wasn't doing like when people say like arenas today where it was like, maybe two. That was a minute comedy tour. There's people behind me.

2:12:55 and feeling it's just there's something unique about being in the middle like they're seeing Like you're meant to look at me. Yeah. It's got to be People who have never done those size shows on the last tour, Yeah, I promise. Very bizarre. Yeah, no, you dig it, man. You dig it. I have a shiny bald spot in 48,000 in Florida. What the fuck was that like? That first laugh was like, it came across the field that's insane but i would never

2:15:14 My fans are showing up for this. all on the very first time Oh, shit. But once you do a paid gig, and I was middling. when I went on stage, so I was panicking. he was already I can middle I don't remember his name, I couldn't believe And my only experience with being nervous before, my only experience with pressure had being Carlos Mencia yeah i did one in the cafeteria standing on a cafeteria chair uh table yeah rickety table like i couldn't

2:18:24 You would drive an hour and a half up to, you up to New Hampshire and do some weird bar with a tinny It was a few years and I drove home and I'm like, all right, this matters. who was a fucking genius. And another guy where you're like, how could this guy not be in everybody's mind as one and they are dumb as fuck And we have to do comedy for them And we had a stay in a, it wasn't in a hotel room.

2:20:30 and you know of those little ones You're like, all right, I got a gig. He had all these gigs in western Massachusetts. I remember there was a lot of two-lane roads I'm like, I wanted to swerve but the voice was like, gun it! especially if you hit Yeah, right? in my head like he was jumped into the water Yeah. The only reason why there's not sword fights on TV is because no one's put sword fights on TV.

2:22:40 I mean, those people weren't much different than us today. Yeah, off the fucking Hoover Dam. shifty when you go to 7-Eleven, you should know. access to. But on the other side, and you don't know what the fuck this is. Right. pissing on his face. like that out there. Right, but how do you It was hard to watch because you see the dude half-conscious and piss on your

2:24:55 by the Fleshlight, and I always respected And I think it's also important that at a certain stage in your know, you have to recognize when you've had differences with somebody. We'll do it again. is going to come out of it and you did it over no edits to it. I was like, that was really cool. That was like a cool creative choice. that does the exact same thing.

2:27:05 Have you ever heard of it? It's an amazing book, I mean, here's a guy who really didn't become successful as a writer until he was in his 40s. I'm Joe Rogan.