Joe Rogan Experience #332 — Tom Segura Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Joe Rogan Experience. Yeah, yeah. Why White Girls with Cornrows? They're very dangerous people. That's the name of your latest CD, right? Yeah. Baltimore is so rough. three i you know i did ann arbor and i felt like i was in a satellite colony outside of the death good neighborhood these are families now you see that next street right there you don't want to

2:19 Oh, that's right. And then two blocks over, there's Volvos and shiny white people climbing out with their baby carriages. other is standard being on top of each other being around people of all sorts You don't want to have a nice place in the hood. There's no integration. He goes, nobody bothers us. It's happened in the east side of LA a lot more. community sliced and diced with a little bit of the Latinos that were there

5:31 That'd be crazy if that happened in Bed-Stuy, though. You know? I stayed at an apartment in Midtown that was $4,600 a month. Right. live anywhere else he comes here like every now and again he's got a place here he'll come here There's just always, you know, there's action. Say if you're in a waiting room and you strike up a conversation and it being a really interesting conversation, the odds are way better in New York than they are in L.A.

8:34 And, I mean, not that you have – not that you would really use it if you were there, but you have access if you're in New York to all those museums. The one in Griffith Park? hypnotizes you in a way he has a beautiful voice he's a beautiful man let's be honest he is a misunderstandings a lot with what you're saying. theater to it but it's also an insane information like he was telling us information about the

11:13 And when kids hear him talk, they get super pumped up about it as they should. The average Your dad was born in 1940, whatever. But back then, they're the figures of authority. But Greg wound up banging a 17-year-old. Totally. And you had so many detractors. that off, what our reaction nobody recorded any sound I don't realize it until they open the hatch

14:15 They can't get you. What would you leave them with? the first person on mars i'm sure is going to be appealing to a lot of people but not to me man to oxygen in or they're gonna have to put a dome over that bitch of course and do you realize um measuring by gravity and mass when you get a series of planets, when you measure the mass of one, you can accurately predict how far away the next planet should be.

16:39 Yeah, that's like the mainstream acceptance of how the moon was created and um the you know the just the Every day we go outside, and in broad daylight you can see the moon in California. It's floating in the air above you. You're like a teacher. stable and what stabilizes us is we have this massive object sitting there with us. Life figures shit out.

19:18 on Earth claiming to be super smart They're not creating anything. There's not much difference between a killer whale and a tuna. see that movie i watched that movie recently fish learn to read oh it's so dope it's a fish man a I'm going to go with 1961 Wow It only got a 6.9 on the IMDb. That was one of those movies they played in the 80s with the 3D glasses where you would go to the grocery store and get those glasses and then the red and blue glasses and they made it 3D.

22:14 Yeah, there's no explanation. Yeah, he snatched bitches up, took them back to his cave. He definitely looks like a child made him in the image that i comes a creature to confound science and terrorize the world. Shocking in the stark realism. Dudes back then didn't know nothing about bench pressing. You compare them to like The Rock. Yeah, all the guys back then were – they almost looked like they were all gay.

24:48 Look at that dude. Into the waters of his domain. Oh, man. We would fucking love that movie not even alive but they're also dead man they're also more like scared of um the unknown of the unknown but i think that would be a thing where they'd be like because she's going to drown. Really? In the water, he drowns them, he rapes them, and then he leaves them back at the surface. It's in real black and white. 3D. It's going to be big. In the water, he drowns them, he rapes them, and then he leaves them back at the surface.

27:20 Yeah. father knows best sitting there with his stupid pipe it's like the whole thing is like so He can make his face freeze on the screen, The videos were just bad, new special effects. That I Want Candy song that I want candy song really hot bitch that's that's a girl song, girl singing about a boy. Brian. It is so goddamn bad. That are like holy shit

30:23 I bet it was just working on that shitty show over and over and over those goddamn scripts No! While the astronauts are thinking it over, two long before i come along i suppose that the puerto ricans are number three then well no not Because he dropped N-bombs. It absolutely does. So you still have a soft spot Oh my God. these jokes because he's a buffoon and i think that's a good thing i don't, that's why he's racist. The same reason why he's the butt of all these jokes because he's a buffoon.

33:25 it's like how come you can acknowledge that the murderers are out there how can you can acknowledge And it was a car commercial where, like, the guy in Minnesota, a white guy, is doing a They're not going to get back unless they stand up for it Turn the frown the other way around. brought they were like this is the racist, awful, prejudiced commercial.

36:10 Like, wait till you see this shit. It's not like, you know, doing a Jamaican accent, but just like banging a bunch of bitches. All right. enough with that. I mean, it's not offensive. It's a joke, you fuckhead. What did he say? He said she was pretty. was how beautiful she was and how she's not just a piece of meat. Of course. like you but people are actually genuinely

40:06 Like that's not even a direct statement, you know? i said that once i was talking about the queen i was like you know she's probably a nice old lady It's like you're playing dumb. What are we mad at? her look at her she is the most I found out about her music and then I was like What's her name? And then all these people are like, Her name is, this is the one who was complaining about

43:14 and sexist and like crack like this fucked up half smile and you'll say something and i know you're bullshitting yeah you're like doing a joke to me right and i know breaking it down like an IQ level but they're like do you not get this right now i agree with you to a certain extent but i also think that there's one other Righteous indignation. you get to experience,

45:52 They recognize the consequences of failure. Okay, already. Have you ever heard her talk? Yeah But why would I'd like to fill her up I would like her to have so much cum in her that it's dripping out of her nose and she uses it as seasoning on her tacos. Jennifer Aniston is very easy to understand. He's got a few moments to make a little bit of an impact yeah hey let's say Salma Hayek's

48:41 They shouldn't. They don't even know what the fuck they're saying. Yeah, that feeling when you're panicking. He just wanted to run through it, how crazy it sounded. down he got mad at me once for having a notebook what are you doing walking around with this What are you, one of those fucking UCB homos? like personality and like what is funny and what's not funny it's also so subjective so someone's

51:40 It's not like someone said that, like you asked them, is a well you shut the fuck up if i was in your living room can you imagine if you're in your in The First Amendment, freedom of the press. Do you ever get – have you gotten mail, hate mail about jokes, you know? Well, you had a lot of people mad at you about that bike joke right so many do you you looked like a little like bothered by it

54:28 So it was, What's the series? How many did they do last year? Don't worry about that, dude. wanted to dedicate yourself to it yeah you can work up to that for sure man have you ever been or sober. I'll get a couple of Jack Daniels and go up to the Ice House It's like when you go to the Ice House, that's like love. That crowd. I can't remember now. He's a theoretical physicist.

57:30 He's going to talk about how the fucking world is really constructed. and all that Einstein, you know, fucking... Good Will Hunting, yeah. But when he's writing that, these guys are writing that shit. They're talking about something that they say works in number form, will show you like paper you'll never get it no you're If you have an interest in it and you pursue it, you can get good at it.

59:58 Almost anything. What's attractive to you is what you pursue. But he – Russian – let me pull this up. I used fucking Google you get tits but which one you don't google really yeah google's trying to hide the heads so i don't know what that is perlman perlman perlman anyway homeboy he urged homeboy to accept Whoa. One of the things you can do is move from Siberia with your million dollars.

1:03:27 because he studied mathematics only and he put all his focus on mathematics. Tell me again. in the world if he's that guy. You know, it's like he's never got his shit together. world they use that term suitcase pimp oh really yeah in the porn world a suitcase pimp is the It's always... Right. It's because you're number one, bro. crew that really knows you to get the your name ironic well how many well Ari

1:07:13 There's some freaky fucking ones around pussies on the internet, right? i think the other day like a bug crawled in my belly button and then got squished when i was Is that the last shit you want to be reading when you're banging a hot chick doggy style? It's hard because of the curve of her ass. if you do google translate it just said raped by father oh it keeps going dude there is this

1:10:31 Have you seen that? There's an oil drill on his head? Jason Ellis. could you um i want i'm gonna have to get you to request this on video. I hate vanilla. Them delicious cones with the upper level that is like styrofoam like. He has things on his eye, under his eye? What does that say? And on the other side, he looks like a dove or something. Is it good?

1:13:06 The record industry? Lil Poopy? No, no, no, no, no, no. is uh he's doing well that fake rick ross Is that a mad hood song? This is a little poopy. Try to find Gucci Mane's greatest hit. Here's a good Gucci. No, no. It was a big deal. Huh. There's so much music that has been made. Oh, my God. You're like, yeah, that shit's hot. Sense. It's crazy. Oh, he's out of the NBA.

1:18:08 Whoopsies. and bart scott had the he was like you buy that's unnecessary My dogs would attack it. In Siberia with a hatchet in your hand. is that it's like it's a mink coat i go you're wearing a mink coat he goes yeah he goes you got It's gross when they have the legs still attached around the top. It keeps you warm. Eat it for sure. and occasionally people get arrested for selling illegal ivory.

1:21:56 And the idea is that, first of all, those animals are dead. Yeah. It's fucking fascinating, man. you know elephants are smart elephants recognize each other after not seeing each other for like size of his body look at the ass muscles on that thing you ever thought about that maybe cool if He's in an intense fucking low dropping. There's no other thing like it.

1:24:57 Are we allowed to show elephant hogs on your stream? No, no, no. He's going to be back on the podcast. And the reason why they have little dicks is because they didn't have to have a big dick to dominate. himself to her right whereas chimpanzee chicks are whores chimpanzees don't run So if the females are monogamous and you don't have to compete to earn their trust and their sex,

1:27:00 Chimps are next. environment where he was born and doesn't care about you know your your desire for acceptance and it doesn't it cares about numbers That's what nature favors. The universe is busy constructing a grand design that you're a part of. The result of it. I think that's a birth defect. I don't think that's funny at all. No, it looks like a frog. it looks like a frog it looks like

1:30:10 Yeah. I felt badly But so weird is she a big fan of little house in the prairie or she uh what's a show with a midget um No. yeah and he goes um yeah so you know my my son is a dwarf and i was like yeah and he started And I was like, that sucked. going, he's not an asshole. He's not an asshole. He's a nice guy. And I was like, I couldn't And then they left.

1:33:34 I told them how the lady got upset at me and I was like, hey, lady. Yeah. There are jokes that I've done in the past that I go, those are just – yeah, I mean some of course are easy jokes. Yeah, and there's – stop with this. Right. Well, I realize I'm almost dead. And I'm rich. She'll go ass to mouth and you won't. shit and the comedians that say fucked up shit to me even if i don't laugh at it like i'm not particularly fond of midget jokes

1:36:43 And the guys – like I always say it and I guess comedy because I love comedy and the guys like wrong kind of comedy i was told that you shouldn't do that kind of comedy because it's cheap and easy jokes. there was a couple big national clubs. I think it went under, which is a goddamn shame because i went to see i saw kevin meanie But I would get a giddy joy if Doug Stanhope was doing his,

1:39:10 There's a lot of crossover, but his fucking people are hammered. We had a great fucking time. Yeah, we were handing out drinks and giving away drinks for free. We went off in Australia. made some friends some nice people that were there wanted to take a couple of pictures we The waitresses were stacking trays of shots and just a giant group of people were all

1:41:31 it was thousands of dollars yeah yeah but it was so fun you were nice enough We had a lot of people. Hundreds. Everybody was happy and everybody was friendly. But God damn, did I pay for it the next day. I was like noticeably slower. We were also that drunk coming off of that flight. But if you take a nap, you could fuck the whole thing up. For us, yeah, it's probably like in that seven, eight.

1:44:04 Like it throws you over. Direct from Atlanta. Oh, my God. We got treated great. to me it's not um i get excited about it really why do you get excited i just think it's fun man About being on the plane for so long that you think you're dreaming. I mean, you think, am I dead? That was your opening joke at Sydney. Nobody was like, that's fucked up, man.

1:46:16 It's aborigines. about that when I went back and went up to Melbourne. It's that it made its way into Because even if we're talking right now and you're like, write about how fucking much you hate American Airlines. It was so scathing. But some of the hatred for that restaurant comes from that guy's feeling about Guy and not the restaurant. Right. Yeah.

1:48:59 Yeah. And then we got Bourdain, which is awesome. worked at newport creamery like making burgers and stuff like that but i've never worked in like What's a pop-up restaurant? It would fill out. Like my cousin is the one that let me know about it and we went there Yeah, yeah. And that dude has a fried chicken truck in L.A. that is unreal. hollywood boulevard and and it's that good yes definitely is it always a line um when i went i

1:52:31 There's just something about the richness of the flavor of the chicken, the breading, Ludo Truck. Because how are you going to fuck with Roscoe's? Roscoe's are the shit, dude. And throw hot sauce all over the chicken and extra butter, extra syrup. Waffles. You do a lot of syrup? games sugar sugar i'm not playing games i'm gonna pretend i'm gonna have a diet coke no i'm gonna

1:54:35 If you've never had it, what's that all about? You eat Roscoe's, it feels like somebody actually cracked some eggs. I see you, Pico. Why would I want to have those two together? I know. One or the other, you fuck be like, how's this going to work? Fucking chicken and waffle. Why would I want to have those two together? Sure. was describing that sounded to me very much like a drug experience like a psychedelic drug or a

1:56:50 Don't get me wrong. If some of the things he says don't line up with facts, you can call bullshit on that. And it's like, one, why is he shining lasers at airplanes or up in the sky? video that I watched after the interview that I really wish I had watched before Well, you know what we know is real? The way a pyramid scheme works is you get money when you get other people to put in money.

1:59:50 And at the end, what it is is it depends on more people donating money than there's people extracting money. He's selling a product. wealth and encourage people You helped him, you got the video out, This is an actual product. What is movie it's called serious it's his his whole thing is it's very sketch okay and it's uh I look I should We see a thing that's flying across the sky.

2:02:19 Yeah, that hologram thing he was talking about. but the reality of the UFO community is that it's filled with kooks. the dirt yeah he didn't want to tell us yeah he found it in a desert city but he but to say that you did a test and to say you got results coming you set yourself up because I don't know. He's the biggest UFO guy. Autopsy. If he's bullshitting artists, I am going to send shit to his house.

2:05:45 I noticed that whenever you would ask him a question Hmm. They have a ruler next to it and everything. It's going to be, hey, guys. Yeah, we ran tests. It was a guy who 12,000 years ago. He's in Texas trying to sell his house in Belize. an alien, like, holy shit. Twitter, before even MySpace. They might have a few things that are real He wasn't really that open about it.

2:09:10 It almost makes me say that you shouldn't even bother dealing with this one. But it's also, here's the question what would hey, what's your motive? You're doing lectures. But when you have those elements, people automatically get skeptical. you would put that shit online the moment you got it. You don't go as somebody that's pursued this for my whole life.

2:12:05 And in one of the photos, Hillary Clinton is walking, and she's got this book with her. Yeah. And so he's walking around meeting a woman who ran for president, was the wife of the president, the secretary of state, and then wandering around his fucking ranch. and save it to your desktop and then Google image search it Well, there's also some documents about Rockefeller wanting to talk President Clinton into – these were released by the Freedom of Information Act.

2:14:24 Maybe just a little guy that Like, why didn't Greer talk about this? Yeah. about some real shit Creepy old fuck knows That's one of the things that Greer was saying. But I'm like, well, who does know? the real that's the real weird part yeah if he is right that is how i he could be right he could be right what do you think brian's right no how dare you just throw

2:17:45 Film it. Prove me wrong. When I looked at the thread, it was pretty overwhelming that most people were calling fuckery. It can't be you have to open this door and take this ride. meaning like if I if I threw a piece of bologna at you and you're like oh my god No, they're way bigger. It was six inches? its tail. That's what it looked like that He's got a barrier

2:20:33 in Brian's ass someone's pushing it Stop shaking your head. Powerful iTunes. So we're going to Seattle May 18th. Excuse me. So it's the two of us. You've just done the 100th episode, I heard. And still play like the good clubs that we love playing but try to take a little more control of where we're doing it and what we're doing. We're three years in now.

2:23:13 Yeah, we resisted for a long time. that's trippy's our buddy Tony's era from the message board came down this death squad t-shirts on or higher primate t-shirts it's like this crazy Diaz is constantly rattling off. the bathroom and jack lambert was taking a shit in one of those old school locker rooms go to it's so fucking funny it's awesome 90 of the hate you're getting out of all these people online is they hate themselves

2:26:30 people get upset about restaurants when they they didn't get the seat when they thought they Which is fascinating yeah, Dan Carlin's hardcore history didn't know existed like you always tend to think of i mean you've had obviously like way more you and the beautiful thing about podcasts and uh the impact of podcasts is that it if people don't We appreciate the fuck out of it.

2:29:15 We're number one. So nice. Death Squad Florida, completely organic. Death Squad PA, Death Squad Connecticut, Death Squad Florida, completely organic. They're eating kale shakes, lifting weights. And then those YouTube clips would get hundreds of thousands of views. It was no one ever planned to do any of this. And that's the most beautiful thing about it.

2:30:46 to! Let's make it happen! every month or so, including this We have Tony Segura. Disinformation. Tickets are at AmericanComedyCo.com. It's the tiniest little place. Yeah, yeah, yeah. time I come in town, it's a few months later, whatever it is, I do his tiny club. That's cool. That's the 22nd and 23rd. shit that i have it's like a lot of it is ideas that i've had before i just didn't know where to

2:33:56 big writing sessions a week. freeform writing? Just like whatever? That's like a good, like, two radio guys that talk shit and don't want anybody to know their name. It's a very unusual place to be in in life, We will always produce it in some form or another. David Lee Roth Of course We love you