Joe Rogan Experience #343 — Bill Burr Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! No, I've never given you a flying kick. December 21st. Oh, no, no. No worries, man cool it was cool seeing it was fun yeah that was There's all these agents and they're all eating my food and drinking my beer. people and all these other i tried to go in there and i couldn't get in it was ridiculous right it I was like, wow, what a cool theater.

2:52 Yeah, good for you. He basically was breaking down. see any regular African dudes coming over here playing fullback, running over people. We got a lot of Armenian MMA fighters. And I laughed. Tough motherfuckers and proud. He goes, she's fucking Armenian. Like, that's a fucking hard environment you're coming from. Yes, the Rihanna kiss crowd. I already fucked them.

5:34 That's like when the dudes go to the zoo and they start fucking with some animal and they think it's a joke. Her leg is snapped. right in his mouth that one in your inner thigh go ahead take a chomp yeah you'd probably bleed Binky. That fucking leg is marbled. Binky has plunged his canines directly into Catherine's leg. And they only kill. But you'd have to get close enough to put your arms around its neck

8:47 like the closing speed of that, like a cornerback. It's insane. Only a rubber ring distracts it from Is that her head? Witnesses looked on as six keepers distracted the animals with meat. It's not gonna work. up to him in one second. Sasquatch and black bear adrenaline because the guy He's like, What the heck are you doing? He's trying to get the camera on it.

11:52 And then he lets the thing go down. The thing's up there. I mean, it was like mouth to face. There's a whole bunch of different killed a bear because a bear was so much like a human, like its mannerisms and that type We were on the podcast yesterday. Yeah. That's the reason why he was there. Too dumb. And he goes over to his car and He hits him with a fucking arrow.

13:58 It's amazing how close animals come to victory sometimes. Like what am I saying A black bear My plane crashed, if I ever have to use that information. I don't want to survive that. that there might have been some benefit No, I believe he's in like a restaurant. They wanted to get rid of him anyway. And it just went around the industry, and she lost her job.

16:54 No, that's not an accident. But it's usually the famous guy gets all the press unless you bang somebody else famous. it's you know it's like joe blow fucks a whore right you know like you're just you know snatch I mean how many girls where they had those down low photos to the most Guaranteed. Yeah, the knucklehead girls. Yeah. No. Oh, yeah. So the reason why I brought up the Jimmy Greek thing is this is one thing I wanted to talk to you about that I got in trouble with for saying that I didn't think that a transsexual man should be able to fight women.

20:18 He still got man shoulders. but like i draw the line where you know you got dude shoulders and man hands and you're going to go up there against Christina. Terrible as a man. Well, there's a lot of things that make it unfair. Years of being the first ones out there with a spear. There's one thing if – and this is where I'm getting the stress from. It's sliced in half like a hot dog, and then they make a giant-

22:41 I don't know how they scoop out your taint. But don't get in a ring and start you know concuss round and It's a completely different structure. No, it doesn't. Blowing out the ACLs. There's a few guys, like gay guys, that got upset with me. it's a good thing for them to hitch their wagon to yeah we're like i've noticed that a lot of And they don't.

26:07 They shout you down. and it would get heated sometimes. those militia guys who thinks we should all have assault rifles and then pierce morgan pretends Yes, it is. Not hermaphrodites. You don't know what it means? It gets to a point of like my thing was like respect the fact that a guy isn't going to hit you. If a woman got in your face and you were like seriously worried that she was going to hit you and you really felt like you had to defend yourself, would you hit her?

29:33 I could wear her out. just walk around hitting people that's so disrespectful. Yeah. And it's childish. And you need to grow up. Like, I had to have that conversation because, you know, it's in that split second when somebody blasts you in the face, either man or woman. just a bad guy and this was inevitable and what happened in his childhood can we deconstruct

31:01 I mean once you're fucking setting up the jab, throwing combinations. It's like at some point you got to be in your head like i am hitting a woman but lamps you just like oh like they just know He goes, you immediately lock yourself in the bathroom. How the hell are we getting on this? There's no doubt about it. And we took her to one of those fucking things, one of those video game things where the bag pops out and you hit it and kaprang.

33:59 I don't like it. Yeah. In the last fight, Ronda Rousey and Liz Karmouche, I think Ronda Rousey got up kicked in the tits. Like somebody like two, three weight classes below me. Yeah, keep it like that. I didn't really look at it. it can carry you and you know you weigh 130 pounds or whatever you weigh they're fucking shooter a school shooter who's taunting the family of the victims.

36:52 all human behavior where we we have like workplace rules like you have to behave here you have And it ruins a kid's life. When Tracy Morgan got in trouble for His whole act is being outrageous like that. always that legendary line that the one comic said that you're fucking trying to get out to Too soon. I was just like, wow. It's like you got to get too late, man.

39:49 Let's take her up in the fucker. I mean, Jesus Christ. Yeah, exactly. They're over the top, absolutely ridiculous, and there's something really funny about that. It's ridiculous. we're just taking this one line It's a good joke. especially if i was exploring whether or not I was wrong. Like I completely don't care. incident uh on the airplane going to indianapolis yeah

43:32 He's like – we're just sitting there. You can tell me if you are. I was like, no, man. nervous all right thanks for asking and then he goes well anybody can do that and i'm just like This guy's old school. Asked me like what my name is. And I just look at the guy and I go – I'm like, yeah, I don't have to answer your questions. Are you afraid to fly?

45:42 Why are you going to Indianapolis, Bill? And I'm just sitting there shaking my head at the guy, right? down. And he goes, dude, he goes, I fucking Let's see where the fuck this goes. And he finally finds it and he hit the button it it was kind of a weird place and he finally It was like a kid throwing a temper tantrum. Like that dude who shot that Trayvon Martin kid who wasn't really a cop.

47:38 authority. And this guy doesn't have any Just going, hey, I'm just a guy trying to go to Indianapolis. No. Another steward comes over and he goes, what's the problem? I don't want to deal with this bullshit. Whatever, right? you think this is fucking over? You think this is fucking over? And at this point I'm laughing. Oh, how could you not? So he fucking, so then I got my things down.

50:28 he goes, you know what? What? just sitting there staring at the side of my head? And then all of a sudden I just hear right as I'm what's gonna happen and then finally I was just like head hanging So you made yourself go to the bathroom on purpose? and then we pulled up to the terminal. He had it behind here in some weird position in some sort of alpha male way.

52:35 That was it. no no no no allegedly this was Bert But, like, I'm standing there, and I'm filming. It totally made sense. There it is right there. he's waving you I can't believe they took that down. They asked you to take it down? if i was you well the way i look at the way i would legally argue it was i legally had the This is after that dude, that psycho, the psycho on the plane.

55:28 I'm doing the Murat. Like a zillion times. And he had that, oh, boy, I'm going to make it, that look on his face. I don't name names. There's nothing wrong with that. I just wanted to remind you. The head shot wall in Nashville. Richard Jenney, he's one of my all-time greats. just unhappy didn't want to be on the road. Meanwhile, the guy was brilliant.

57:42 You know what I mean? you to say whatever the fuck you want like you were saying nobody gets on your case if you say But I like doing the movies because I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. And once I get through this, then I'm going to, you know, on the weekends, you know, I'll go out to, like, Flappers, Burbank, just to stay sharp. Cut. like those people, I have such a tremendous respect for how hard people work on those things.

1:00:22 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. News radio was way more fun and satisfying to do. You've got to bet on yourself because that's the game. and you have no spots. comedy store every weekend i didn't do anything else i very rarely did anything else like sometimes Where it was, you know ABC Like I don't begrudge any of those guys who get to the point where they just say, I just don't want to go on the road anymore.

1:03:30 But if you're all right with it and be like, listen, I'm married now. Well, the only thing that's selling out is if you stop doing what you want to do as well. You always want to compliment. I am, but I'm not a good pool player for a pro. Ground rounders. Three's Company for the youngsters. Larry upstairs was crushing crushing it that guy was probably the first herpes case what i love

1:05:29 Late 70s, early 80s. I had no problem with any of them. But that's like a perfect – and she demanded so much. Like, they did episodes where she would call in. Yeah, and she was fucking basically done. They do, like, weightlifting and shit. Thighmaster. Thighmaster, yeah. Yeah. I still remember the thing. I just said it and I forgot it. Thighmaster.

1:07:16 That would be hilarious. Plus, it's good for your pussy muscle. Those long socks on. Yeah. Oh, is that a fan? I was watching a football game, and I showed up, and we took a camera. She goes, Bill, you screamed Jesus fucking Christ. It's okay to be a freak. and it's like jesus fucking christ get on with the not giving a fuck dude if you truly don't How easy is this going to be?

1:09:48 God damn. Look at those legs. It's pretty amazing. You're about my age, right? One poster, one photo, and it was on literally every fucking wall of every adolescent boy all throughout America. Yeah. I remember I was looking at the picture, and I just kind of went, I went. calves? You just never where it's almost like, oh, I can't believe she's right there.

1:12:25 Like I don't even know how to – my body is not even functioning. Espresso. Oh, yeah. T.J. Hooker? Was that her on TJ Hooker? That's so crazy. It was Danny Terrio and then Adrian Zamed, right? beat up like 90 guys, beat up Bigfoot, right? What a great. Dude, he fights the Seven Million Dollar Man. Who was the actor? Dude, they're like in the Hollywood Hills filming this thing,

1:15:31 Who was she? Hey, easy. I told you I met her. And no one was talking to her. sorry thanks just download go go shorts and everything you did I hope you get that on one of those TV it is that you would think that these fucking guys Look at that. Yeah. So Heather Locklear, I think, might have had four. Oh, that wasn't the guy. You need one more. I think this.

1:18:25 But the new thing is on cable. Yeah. And at first I was like, that's kind of fucked up. should fight transgender women to men, If you say tranny... Yeah. See, this is why I can't watch it because you just immediately start thinking of bits. Who did that to him? Yeah, no, it's true. fucked up about... Right, right. Monster energy tattoo? I mean, you can't take that away from him.

1:22:26 It's going to come back with interest. He's fucking slurring his words. It sounds he's hammered it's weird because they sound drunk I mean, this isn't like – this is like – It's just you feel like you're a RoboCop. Like a high-level concussion. Because every play, it's like, boom, they're just slamming their heads together repeatedly. and we know, like, okay, you're taking a fucking serious chance here with your health.

1:25:53 in there. The helmet Can I leave on that? You've got to have that bill on more often. around this thing and I don't get how it works. It's because of the rotation. It's because of the rotation. It's about sex. You know what that means? Yeah, I know what a gyroscope is. Yeah, it's because of the rotation. That's a gyroscope. prevent the thing from spinning around.

1:27:47 You got to see this guy. This guy? Yeah, the reason why you could do that It's spinning so fast. It's online. How the fuck does that happen? Spinning gyroscope will balance on a string. Yeah. ever a power outage, I'm getting one of I caused the power outage it is pretty amazing to a bar with one of those. They're literally like five bucks things like Dracula.

1:30:17 What's happening here? and there's nothing you could do about it man you and i handled that much differently i would i would I had three shows to get to. I was being a dick. Did you really? You just carve out your own little store on the internet. Because that's the relationship. dude you're so fucking funny like and they're like complimenting you like spitting in your face like

1:33:09 and I never bought any more of their albums. mention. I don't want to hurt anybody's Yeah. take on stand-up that inspired so many other people to sort of like branch down that path And then it's Kenneson and then Hicks and then Carlin. Lazy. Whatever he was going through. um he was i complimented a guy the other day about dude you know when you were standing on his brother about it. This is why people always kill my theories with facts. He was...

1:36:12 that really inspired me. have that fantasy I think only twice, but at least twice. By 89, it was already over. Like, I would have loved to have seen what that guy was going to do because. But, you know, Kinison's story, his life story is a fascinating one because he was a normal kid until he got hit by a truck. mean he fucked Carla Bo's wife Carla Bo was his opening right there was a Carl

1:38:49 Craziness, man. I couldn't believe someone figured out comedy like I couldn't believe like someone figured out that that can happen and he never died making it seem like those last few years that's, that's all he was going to be. The material that he was doing was shit. I mean, he's like right up there with me. I don't know what you just said. This guy allegedly was so fucking fat he couldn't get around to him,

1:41:11 get the same kind of power and uh but what people would do is they would they you know that people And he became a caricature. he took his shirt off at a pool like classic sensitive performer and then he just went the No way. I really shouldn't have done that. but maybe because of that it shoots through schools That was great. Fucking watch is still on Midwestern.

1:44:34 of fitness magazines You know Brian Frazier? twice as big as mine they were fucking enormous yeah he's got he's got a yeah he's got to come There's just so much horseshit that you hear. Yeah, eyes closed with sunglasses on. Hedberg? Oh, my God. He wasn't likable, and he would just go on stage and you know those guys they It was so fucking ridiculous.

1:47:46 Let's call it Two Trees. i tap out right there i'm just like jesus christ i mean it was really clean too which is really one of those unhurled geniuses one of my favorite lines ever is he's talking about uh being at work He would grab the newspaper. It's like, Joe, you fucking went in there for like nine hours, you know. That's a lot of guys. They'd bring you to a diet counselor.

1:50:43 This is like the 80ss so there's no internet so people would come to our company i mean the company i worked for where they And then they figured out who was being the most efficient, and guys started losing their jobs. We were idiots. And then during lunch hour, we would go out and play basketball in like just regular sneakers in like 501 blues. I was so into working out.

1:52:30 And I was like 2021 and was only beginning to understand the fragility of life. And I knew I never thought, and I used to try the different sauces. We got into a fight one time right under the Golden Arches and the next town over. And my buddy who always fought, We're on snow. Then two seconds later, we're back in a car and the same two And they didn't give a shit.

1:54:59 They did not give a fuck. I don't know what it was, but it was just like unbelievably fucking air. that that's not normal and they're unconscious and they get that extra two, three boots to the head. I never wanted to have anything to do with that. But he has to deal with the fact that dad's coming home. Like, I really, like, if I would have died in, like, 1980 if there wasn't for all this medicine and shit.

1:56:46 I would have, if it was the 1800s, How old were you? I don't think it did. Did you hear about that kid that got hit with a discus? You want to hear me talk dumb? The hip. Yeah, he was in pain, apparently, and the pain kept getting worse. So I think they're probably awaiting the results of the autopsy still. Like when you feel that, go to the fucking hospital.

1:59:08 Why is that? Do you do CAT scans for other parts of your body? I've seen at least 1,000 from all the fights that I've called. That's what that is. what's his face you're like, Straight arm bar. It's called a Kimura, and it's a shoulder lock. to put his arm together back then. This is what we always do. When the fucking thing was over. You forgot already? No, I remember one time I went over to your house and I woke up in my... Not when I woke up, but...

2:01:39 It was real, legit leather. found the last how they put it together Come on, let's work it out. Oh, Bobby Orr. I worked at the Boston Athletic Club in Southie, and I was a trainer there when I was 19. And it's a great exercise. Anyway, Bobby Orr gets on this thing and he can't really bend his knees. not bend correctly and when he was playing racquetball, he would just fall down.

2:04:05 He had the same issue that a very good friend of mine has where they did those operations back back then first of all they used to cut you open like a salmon they would just they would just open you and then they But that one doesn't hurt at all. is they take a piece of the patella tendon joint, which is the front one, and then they screw it in place.

2:05:17 No, it doesn't beep. You don't have to worry about that one because that one isn't even radiation. Huh? You were getting like – there's been several versions of them. I don't know. I just saw that. I'm like, if you hit me with enough shit to fucking too young. I don't know. You guys are thieves. Come on. Bring that fucking idiot over here. I didn't want to go down, too.

2:07:18 Well, you just hold it up and still watch it at the same time. Because he... it was like a fucking But you know what? and James Brown was on the radio. do you understand that my life is in your hands and you're sitting over here fucking sliding across You know there's some people that shouldn't be on the squad. vibe. and the reality is you're not going to get a lot of fucking attacks.

2:09:59 No, when they, after so many miles, you have to rebuild the jet engine. You suck in the air, you compress it, talking about that shit and this girl's going you don't know what his name... Yeah, Chemtrails was talking about that shit Well, that's just flight patterns. It is. Hey, it's Joe Rogan from the UFC. He's a jiu-jitsu guy. Why is it always going the same direction?

2:11:57 Hey, here's one. Every time those sprays are going on, Air Force One is in the air. Do you remember when one out in there? Probably overdosed on nitroglycerin pills and he said right so he's like i was like doc you know if i i can't fuck i don't want to live uh he fucking was walking up a flight of stairs and it just went black and he was fucking Huh?

2:14:32 Who was it? He got it off. Why are you going to Indianapolis, Joe? I'll wait. You know what? You'd be like, Brian, turn off the camera. And that really meant, Brian, act like you're turning off the podcast remember when i used to kiss my camera you're you'd be like brian turn off the nothing's ever secure We thought that this guy, who was a reliable guy, was going to do the coding.

2:16:59 So this guy kicks back, collects fat checks, doesn't do a goddamn thing. Always use the credit card. did you get a lap dance in toronto no i did not have fun with that shit i'm out right if you use logo is on there, so the same rules apply I know somebody had it recently. I know what happened with me. It was like a lot. doing. They were getting gift certificates. Oh, then they get the money back.

2:19:02 is they use the gift certificate I got a buddy who's a lawyer, and whenever I go into the town where he prosecutes because he's the shit, if I have time, you just sit there and you watch a case. this dude I know, was a moron, a fucking moron. But, like, when it was over, he came up to me. and then they slowly bring the noose around Like, is he like I'm fighting this all the way to the top.

2:20:56 Law and order. Yeah. and you see the person they start fidgeting. Yeah. Go fuck yourself. Well, what if there's... Let me just – let's just go with my comedy angle here. Throwing kicks in the night, right? All right. Even if I was wearing a tank top, I'd have it in little straps. Who knows what happens when you go through customs? Next thing you know, you're getting flied back. That's Seattle. You're in bed with the Italians because, you know, they don't have good pasta up there. They fucking hook them up. And next thing you know,

2:23:51 and you're in that fucking jumpsuit. with the elbow Is that fucking – They got like a 1963 snowmobile. No muffins. because your body burns off so much fuel just to try to stay warm. a mall. I mean, you're right near. Shit, there's an ambulance And then you take them over to the Orange Julius. people are going to need hip replacements. I have momentum.

2:26:11 I don't think elliptical is non-impact. I love it. I've been told by four surgeons. all going to be on roid soon they're already doing it with old people that's synogenics late at night of that shit. Every once in a while your head kind of slowly I mean, it's amazing how much better you feel. you do it with an ethical doctor, and you can't be one of those people.

2:28:14 If you're a nut, you just fucking take four times the dose and rub it on yourself. I mean, Keith Richards, like, legendarily, though, used to be. He's very like, he knew how to do it. Slash, like as a junkie, like I was reading it, it was like he made it sound interesting. No, you're not. I mean, there's so many great musicians that were also – had a problem with junk.

2:30:16 Just fucking. arthritis and need a total hip replacement i'm scheduled blah blah blah i used to play racquetball Huh. Dance during a show They needed like For real? Has reportedly needed a double hip replacement. because sometimes they just say that Yeah. The fallout from years of dancing heavyweight champion, just had his hip replaced. I was like, where?

2:33:26 And that's the thing. of all 90 seconds i would want to know like what they think hair on fire would feel like I'm talking about my whole fucking, my arms are sleeved. But I think, like, most people exaggerate about what things – as long as it didn't kill you, I'd go, okay. Oh, he's a man who accepts his fate. No, you know what they'd do? in the long run,

2:35:31 going that route. And you know what? No, no, no. Well, now they got it where they just vacuum it out. Dude, it is a bloody fucking mess. Once you do it, you go, why would I ever get a haircut again? Especially if you exercise. I thought about all the possibilities. gross fucking sweaty thing and once you just accept it like you get used to the fact that

2:37:51 So we put it up here. Like they're in the safety zone here. He's dead. But the pills, though, what I was going to get into is like I tried Propecia. At least it did mine. I heard taking a couple of those is like going on a three-day bender. that has a profound effect on your body is most likely having some sort of a negative effect That's for the fucking guys up top.

2:40:16 this testosterone shit because they thought it gave them an edge. My guy's your guy. tell us that shit It's an honor, my friend. I'm going to go, doing a theater in uh south carolina but whatever your capital is columbia i think and then i got He just fucking, he looks, I think he's going to do it. The Tabernacle is where I filmed my last special. What I like about Atlanta is people are like black people and white people.

2:42:22 I feel the same way about you. I did my 2005 special with them, man. $12 a month. latest, and greatest. they'll hook you up. Oh, okay. Why would you fucking deal with it? So dumb. Save yourself some money, you fucks. So if you have something that you like tasting, I've been throwing it into my protein drinks. I'm going the other way. The next podcast we have is actually this Saturday with Stanley Krippner, who is a psychedelic pioneer.

2:45:14 O-N-N-I-T.