Joe Rogan Experience #345 — Bryan Callen Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! Joe Rogan, he's got the best damn podcast My voice is so creepy. Breakable Beats. That's hilarious, dude. That's hilarious. Yeah, that is one of the most surprising things about podcasting is the amount of cool shit that people do on their own. They made like a three-minute like really well done put together video. You guys are coming to my show for free, by the way.

2:46 What's it called? Who uses that Autotune shit? I don't. It's tough to fuck with Diamond Dave. They dominated. His voice was incredible yeah i mean you're david lee roth what the fuck and he was like ah but he told us these great stories and um he he like he's very very spartan like he has a so when they had a postponement it took a long time for them to be able to reschedule because it's a big tour.

5:21 I'm going to kayak around Manhattan. He's taking sword classes. Karate. I'm like, that guy can move his fucking body, man. on earth and and and and just to play the stadiums and just like go crazy. And I think once you do that and you're – you kind of – if you're an interested person in the world, you realize that's like – you get immune to that. manage that like i was having a conversation with uh someone about justin bieber where they're like

7:55 Right now, bro. Who the fuck knows? And he goes, Justin, it must have been really hard for you before you made it. that was how i found out about dennis leary that dennis leary went up that night and i was like But he fucking destroyed. but he went on You know, and I literally said to the guy, I said, I still can't believe I can do stand-up. I always thought you always knew you could do that.

10:26 You're not going to walk into a room as this guy. and i was like that's kind of a funny idea concept but i don't know and i wrote it and i and then i You would congratulate someone else, I think I'm onto something. That guy with the – I don't know what he looks like. You can stop. And even if you do it and you suck at it, if there's a possibility that you can get good enough to be good at it, stick with that shit.

12:27 you got to reinvent yourself when they come to see you they want to see a new bag of tricks bro It also keeps you in a really active state of mind. I'm doing it. equation allows all the creativity to sort of appear and unfold. It's you, this idea of you, I'm a musician. I was, I certainly wasn't good at it. Well, but you know, and it's also like, I was just,

15:39 I'm gay. There's got to be one strongest guy. You really think about this shit? I'm just using it as an example of anything you do. It's super important to know when you fuck up and not be in denial. You're a different person every minute of every day, 365 days a year sometimes. a river in a way like you know trying to trying to say this is who i am

18:11 But the idea is you can imagine what perfection is in a way. fans and this this this new obligation and i said you know if uh i go i'm an ari shafir fan i go i So you're the only Brian Callen. with it i'm trying to find out how to do it the right way and and i'll learn along the way through um you know i really should be like um um i'm like you know no you don't know anything you

21:20 That's a creepy part of you that you don't want to feed. He goes, that was the greatest performance anybody's anybody's ever seen he said i know i just have no idea how absolute sustainable rhythm for anything. Well, because the same thing he meant that if you know the way broadly, you can see it in all things. This is incredible shit, man. They love him.

24:32 Yeah, that's one of them, yeah. oh they went crazy look at them run on the field grab them and they're picking them up and carrying That's kind of like harmonizing with a frequency, man. Yeah, that's why I think that activities are really important for people. You learn the art of learning. And there is an art to learning, man. We're all idiots raising other people with the same flaws that we were raised with.

26:59 anything about how you should be dealing with this how you should be thinking how we how we should with with the notion of he was trying to teach philosophy in the sense that you better you better You know it again, you motherfucker. Good luck, fucker. the boat in there and everything. They were looking at the entire picture. And that's a lot of it is my buddy was a paramedic in, a medic, I'm sorry, in Vietnam for two tours. And one of

29:17 The lockup. Well, one of the things was that when an American would get shot, you'd go, holy shit, I've been shot. I'm never part of this equation, man. Oh, fuck. He tried to kill himself and he was listening to birds. And some his girl was there and she was talking to him. And she said, listen to the birds. He goes, what do you hear? He said, I don't I don't like listening to birds. She said, why? She goes, they're so beautifully says you hear beauty. I hear a bunch of animals trying to fight for territory and scratch out and yelling at each other. And she went, hey, dude, don't ruin birds for me, man.

31:56 and the human experience wasn't just a person living a life but rather was a ride that you had to figure out how to how to master how to complicated thing but instead it's just two people fucking some guy shoots a load in the girl she There's a real machine going on with society today. And we have all these. There's an in-between place, which is correct opinion.

34:36 and the correct opinion is We don't have a system, and we try to with public education, They're very nice people, but they were raised by people who didn't know shit and their parents But no one knew how to teach society how to chill the fuck out, relax, and enjoy each other. Not one fucking person besides like Martin Luther King and a few people with some dreamy speeches,

36:41 have the first access to this sort of information to not be looked at like Is hot hot? asshole and maybe nobody tells you you're an asshole but why do you give a fuck about them we resume her practice. how ridiculous you're going to look in the future when they're looking back in the past the way they Yeah, you can use them for stuff. Right. They throw a bunch of maggots down there.

39:34 And they actually, apparently they're good eating if you need to. Well, they're in the same family. Mushy ground up plants. You cool with yogurt? Yeah, what are you doing, stupid? Yep. Just a little salt and pepper. Well, they're definitely, you're eating a healthier animal for sure. So when you eat a bison or you eat grass-fed beef, the oils are healthier.

42:54 like people who are eating gluten and like that the more and more people are sort of understanding go there you see the bread they eat it is it is healthy. It's a meal in itself, dude. You could hit somebody in the head and they'd die. And there's some people that had been there from the 1950s. and that's how the immigrants and it was always homemade.

45:01 Screaming at my grandfather. And it would sit – we had a food pantry and it would sit in this big closet like food pantry. you don't get to it, it starts to get a little funky. If you don't have to homogenize and pasteurize milk, then what, are we out of business? Raw cheese is super fucking hard to get, man, because they want you to use homogenized and pasteurized milk.

47:43 This is what I want to once say because It all depends. But that's not the answer, right? what does your skill set have to be my guess is you're going to have to constantly be taking Like the speed of life is, it's constantly ever changing. Change. and you're like man look everybody needs records okay i'll tell you man record store is always sort of but yeah i mean we are always constantly improving things and that's one of the more

51:15 I do. It's just – it's a part of what humans are. and every girl in the room What a fucking whore. This fucking pig. I remember when I was with a bunch of girls. And all the girls were like, ew, look at how gross she is. out there sucking cock for nickels exactly hey that's attractive honey i think i'll date you wife's a cunt she's a mouse how about that that's bullshit when dudes when do you bring when dudes

54:16 If your wife says, I think Brendan Schaap's hot. It is very self-defining. And Paul Reiser. yes that's much money on mad about you i think think. You make $50 million. She's very cool. It's weird. I didn't do many pilots.'ve only did i did like one one big pilot it was an interesting one for just stay on the air for a long period of time. shoots up a movie theater, including whatever it might be. And if nothing, if everything isn't

58:27 because nobody saw that coming nobody nobody saw that coming they're like look we got jim carrey Why are you holding back? It's a magic movie. Do you want to watch it? Well, apparently Jim Carrey. There's one or two things and I think that Charlton Heston was a fucking psycho. Is it the funny or die video? I think it is. This is a really long video, so...

1:01:01 They'd be laughing, but not like you and me. This is madness. or something like that and been offended. but because there's a reaction to that something weird a long time ago like if you were really if you really had something to say it Completely over the top. You don't mind it when he's 25 or 30. It hurts my brain. You better learn how to reinvent yourself right quick.

1:04:52 It's fucking great. funniest human beings on the fucking planet is um um uh oh god uh who's who talks at gilbert godfrey I think that the kind of guys who say like really ridiculous, preposterous shit and offensive shit like a Gilbert Gottfried and do it on a regular basis. Tell them to stop using drugs. I was like, all right. It's being – when you say that, he's a real comic, and I know exactly what you mean.

1:07:05 like oh jesus like uh you'll hide your head and look down and right but if you you see bill burr like just the road must be like that with. I mean it must be like that for brain surgeons. I mean it's a language. is that way and by the way it's also it part of that language is rhythm there's a rhythm there's for what's legit. We all have like, like sensitive antenna for what's legit we all have like like sensitive

1:09:44 in life like i knew a dude who was – he had done movies, OK? he had held on to he still never realized how to let it go while he was advancing in all these If it's not an emotion or it's not a chemical problem in your brain, if it's not a disease or a disorder that's giving you the wrong amount of hormones, and developing it into a full-form, functional human being.

1:12:10 So what do you want to do? You want to be gassy. and blips in and out of realities. you can't even with with food sex and just pain sleep and all the things and it distracts you from the work at That's a great statement that he treats all of his appetites with quiet contempt. It should be treated as the last fucking gasps of a fun life. ultimately, if you are to believe that

1:15:43 one to repeat whenever anybody says anything about Socrates, you should always include, yeah, and you know, he fucked a lot of dudes. Credo tried to seduce him. And they took bets on how long he'd stand in one place. I bet that guy didn't even know them. Yeah, who knows, man? We brought them civilization. We, we did a great job. There are people who, like Somerset Maugham wrote a book called don't argument bro

1:17:52 well that's why I remember I said no because you'll go crazy yeah if i if i got into golf and started taking golf lessons i would play It's kind of a bitch move. Some shit is just too. It's too much. I can't. And I was so... This is bullshit, man. That is a – this people that represent you. fair chase hunting where you know he's not like sometimes they'll like set out and i don't have acquiring your own meat and the way he does it is he does it through this idea it's called fair

1:21:14 And there's a lot of nonsense in a lot of his words. And at one point in time, when I was a kid, Ted Nugent was fucking huge. He's crazy though, but I like him. How do you eat that much? No, no animal goes to waste. But the guy who runs this dairy farm or, you know, Don't you have some extra corn? yeah this guy steve rinella though he doesn't do any of that his is all fair chase hunting and he's

1:23:41 It's very – he's descriptions or they captivate you. I don't even know but I was talking Oh, Because what are these animals going to do if you don't eat them? What if our health deteriorates country if we all turned into a bunch of vegetarians. I don't think they won a medal last Olympics. They're not as athletic as some countries. That's the quickest way.

1:25:52 that guy, Did not give a fuck about that. What, do you wear pajamas and fucking stick your feet in people's face? Yeah. Even the UFC now, you see these guys who are like badasses, What girls? in the face of the earth. asteroids. Jesus. Boom! They couldn't help it. He said the same thing. Where your DNA takes over. She'd be like, you fucking whore. In his one-man show, he basically says he puts up the number –

1:28:44 Well, it's also the kind of mentality that allows you to become a prize fighter. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. Macho Man, suck my dick. He boxed the shit out of that dude. You know, but his style is like super frugal. He does not get hit very often. boxing game in your face, and slowly but surely, he starts to overwhelm you. Wasn't he going to fight Oscar De La Hoya?

1:31:22 And it was amazing that people thought that Trinidad was the favorite going into that fight It's one punch usually that kind of changes There's no getting around that. The intensity and all that. fights a different fight in some ways every time he fights as well well it's i i think don't get dawson who come along and and beat bernard hopkins just because he's younger and quicker

1:34:34 He beat, I don't know if that's the right boxer. yeah he's actually a very talented uh kickboxing champion um Jermaine Stewart? I saw that. He's also bigger too. Like if you saw him on the beach in shorts, he couldn't look more normal. Apparently. Oh, wow. I've done it the amount of I mean the training ring You need to get your own fucking computer, bro.

1:37:05 He went nutty and just fucking tattooed the shit out of his chest. They're not training together anymore. There's other ones where you get a Some dudes just get real random with their tattoos. He's a fucking animal, man. A lot of guys are, my brother. I'm always running. Um, that was the guy who killed the Colorado prison bureau chief. And then they did the, they caught one guy was a white supremacist he had a shootout they killed him um that was the guy who killed the colorado prison bureau chief and then they did

1:39:55 I'm surprised I don't read about this more. send them down the river you You know, they need it. I don't know where the fuck that is. and shit he's a real daredevil did all kinds. But now he's always, he's been a high profile trial lawyer And he does everything he can to stick to the government whenever. defense act and stuff we talk a lot about he talked he just goes to town on the fact that that

1:42:45 Subsidies and things like that. Like your phone? You were talking about how you can. You've got to change the incentive structure if you want to do that. And what he does, he says, look, let me show you how Washington is corrupt with a lot of good people trying to do the right thing. What it actually was, it's, it was added to an essential spending bill without

1:45:38 So what essentially they're saying is they snuck this in and people are just finding out about it now. But if they might not be safe and you want to sue if you want you you you're not It is possible that science can figure out a way to produce more food that's more nutritious. They're setting up so corruption can take place. And they hire scientists.

1:47:54 structure works, you are going to pay a price for it with your health, and so are your kids. The whole thing is just – it's so bizarre. It's just so transparent when something like this Monsanto thing comes up because all they're doing is keeping information. a fucking orange. Okay. But when you start monkeying around with oranges and well, this If I eat one of these a day for the next 20 years, is that going to rot my asshole out?

1:50:15 Show me everything you got. and sick all the time and they're essentially You can't. Because what you're toxic yeah those are like pure little sugar things if you go to a lot of parts of the country like the genetics of the thing have completely been altered They're going to die anyway. You're talking about transparency. Could you imagine Dirty Harry where he arrest you for it? That's the Clint Eastwood principle. You're growing hemp.

1:52:54 Right. see clint eastwood arresting you for having a a roach in your car you know no of course not he I don't know if that's true. If they had the same resources that they put into the military and they put that into feeding people, they would be incredibly successful in feeding people. They're doing a lot of shit. There's a good side to it and there can also be an evil side to it. I think the question is transparency and knowing and seeing all the data and holding companies

1:55:50 Because that cunty, sneaky, slimy guy who wanted to bring the alien back say well you're ignorant as to the effect of of genetically modified foods you're doing that matters. Yeah, and even people who might say, well, you're ignorant as to the effect of genetically modified foods. He and I had a discussion about genetically modified foods, I want to know if the food I'm eating has a jellyfish gene in it or et cetera.

1:57:33 I know that I've benefited from taking supplements. level I function better I just do I know I do I have have more energy. I feel better. It's all done in conjunction. But there's not enough sick? How many people take the wrong amount of this? Don't take guesses. I feel better when I do things like the kale shakes, like when I juice kale, when I take coconut oil.

1:59:16 Treat it like that. blocks it gets for it just only makes sense that if the machine has all it needs, One thing they don't eat rice. One, they never retire. community is fucking important for longevity. heart disease in the 50s in this country was epidemic. None of them were dying of heart disease. But when they were in this fucking community, would die oh my god failure to thrive you don't hold a baby for a certain amount of time in during

2:02:20 When I think of all the good times and I think about – I was watching that hunting thing. Like all the thorns and all. 20 years. There's someone out there I can hang with. there was there and there were men's men you know they were there were actual men if someone talked And within four weeks, I knew it was doomed. It's like I had to slowly grab guys like you.

2:04:31 I come to LA. He was like, don't you try that in Boston hey you i don't know you you sure as fuck don't know me and that's the last time i hear you tell Even if they have seen a fight. That's a whole different culture. fucking regular white dudes Loons. Look at these fucking people that were on the set with you, just on Mad TV. You know, what's going on here? I don't know. There's this and there's that. I'm like, what's with this fucking guy? Yeah. You know?

2:06:45 Like, you don't even know that someone's listening to you. I fucking sit down at the dinner table. I can't do it. I was like, worldliness that torture my generation i mean i read books i'm wearing a beret it's like you can't Do you remember that? He gave me the finger. Yeah. Ooh. The mayor, the cops, even the public. I'm going to try to do that with my stand-up.

2:10:16 Yeah. I mean, who knows what happened. Yeah. nobody can pull off a beret yeah if you're G.I. Joe Oh, he's turned his corner. We want you to wear the silliest hat ever because you're our best killer. Just, they're so gangster they don't give a fuck if you see their hats. It's so dumb he's it doesn't sound like him and you can't keep repeating it. It's not funny

2:12:11 Really? That's absolutely true. Asshole first. shape of my mouth on the inside You had to sit through a fucking musical one time. possibly like that you were you're watching? Nobody could possibly like that. You're watching nonsense. Joe, you're my friend. It was Brian in an acting class and it was, he had a, the teacher was singing show tunes he was singing like

2:14:54 and I was just a musical theater class I get obsessed with that stuff. Yeah, he was great. Really bad. singing it's not as fun musical theater guy now south like south park the movie is still to this And it was because it was so ridiculous. Oh, Sean. It's a fact. Yeah. you know, doesn't necessarily lend itself to you being an eloquent public speaker

2:18:17 but it was to him man you understand he is that guy christian bale said the best they said why Uh-uh. Okay? And look at him. He's Joe Rogan. And I think San Jose is sold out too. They wanted to see it because they were kind of freaked out about me killing a deer. Put it in your mouth. So please support them. Yeah. He put that shit together while this show was going on, ladies and gentlemen.

2:21:13 Hurry. Be clever. fucking let us know about it dick pills settle down son those gas station ones you can't sell So what you said Powerful Ice House Friday. Yeah, it's been around more than 50 years.