Joe Rogan Experience #352 — Tom Segura Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Hey! Whoa, we forgot where you were. Yeah, I did. got married, your house would have at least seven of those in there it's so different when you live with a chick man One eating a tiger, one having sex. I find them fucking fascinating. with, Mark Harmon, okay. And I remember that all of a sudden put in my head the idea of a talking monkey. They're so fascinating, man.

2:42 Oh, my God, they're using tools. I mean, somehow or another. Yeah, lots of homos. I think you can reasonably extrapolate that there's something very similar to the way they are Fuck yeah, there has to be. This is like a podcast Suck it, please. and uh i i'm not that good at advertising shit right and a lot of times when we do our podcast I don't know.

5:45 Everybody seems good. Yeah. That's all I see. an exaggeration it's really hard to do when you're talking about a giant society of people that are How does someone do that? But if you look at this guy, who they're claiming this guy is that was the older brother, they think he might have committed three murders as well. Now, again, settle down, tinfoil people.

8:40 He went back to Russia for six months. Well, maybe he was a fan of InfoWars the way I'm a fan of Sean Hannity. It's never like, It's a, they're full of shit. Like, as they're doing it, you it within the rules but they know they're full of shit like as they're doing it you can hear their voice they know they're full of didn't have newspapers. to watch that game.

10:45 it just, You know, what I do is Because that's the best way just talk talk like a normal person yeah what are you doing about the budget yeah you know and how Corporate world That's corporate. And it left a thing. like oh you're a crazy person you're a fucking sociopath yeah that's a weird moment when you're Did I ever tell you about this comedian,

14:00 Right? they've been coming in various forms i see them them. I've been taking pictures of them. I'm dealing with someone who's got a screw loose. I enjoy talking to him. and he's going to tell you Yeah. Yeah, sure. yeah, and then this guy held me, and then we were up in the trees, It cost me like a quarter million to get the startup going. And I start to think for a second, I'll stop and be like, are you an improvisational genius?

16:49 And I'm not – it's not the type where it makes you go like, I don't know, It's not at that point. My brain would process the same scenario in a different way. Like, what's going on here? Sometimes you can see it from the moment right like you there's some You just want to back away from them. Smells like the cunt farm. Like really You know Yeah Sometimes, yeah.

19:45 nice to meet you talking about I locked eyes with her Right. Wow. like exactly what the fuck and he's going to a bar Just one last time. You're special to me. She's a good girl, man. Danger has a smell. which is the perfect spot for it right next door at the Ice House, Yeah, it smells like... I don't know. You're just like those porn stars who just

22:51 he was super cool to talk to a really nice guy did he so what's the rap does he is my mic on yeah Well, you know what, man? but I think you should just do the GoPro thing. That's my best George St. Pierre. point he's like imagine if you were a fish and you were in the ocean that was great you are living He lives in Connecticut. It's amazing. If there's water near us, it's no good.

25:44 It's just the way it is. And they go over and they fish and they catch eel and they'll grill them. Oh, what the fuck? It's like a big day for them. Like, we're going to Jersey on fucking Sunday. And they go over there one time and me and Joe were on a bus That's just cancer, bro. No, the other word when you can't reverse. meadowlands i remember how many animals all of a sudden i had in my living room

27:33 What does that tell you? They don't shoot snakes. trait. They played dead. Like, he held on to the tree like a fucking ape in Africa. And I was like, this is fucking mind-boggling. Are you fucking kidding me? We let go of one of those pythons in college. And how you move out, and you've got clothes everywhere. Wait a minute. My buddy Cheese had a python.

29:32 But we forgot about it. diaz did you ever see a banana rat wait a minute how do you know they didn't just steal a snake You got a pit bull and a... Yeah, they definitely do. Look, I'm taking a stretch, and I know I'm saying something horrible. because they don't. and they're like There's definitely people like that. If it's maybe it doesn't have deep voice or something like that.

31:36 I came home in the middle of my living room. Thap, leave me alone. and they did it a couple of times, But it's so normal for that breed to get into fights. just run around with his paws on the wall trying to get these lizards just running around the He was a pit bull. He was a beautiful dog, though. I never felt in danger. He was a sweet, sweet, sweet dog with people.

34:06 I socialized him with other dogs. My dog now, the big one, Johnny, he's the sweetest dog ever. It's how they're bred. that survived through that horrible ordeal, the genetics that were passed on, because the dogs that quit and the dogs that cowed and backed away from a fight were killed. But they bred dogs specifically for fighting. Crazy, man. them? They're expensive.

36:19 you're not supposed to sell the puppies. and men will loan out their dog and they all know the championship bloodlines. grew up fighting chickens yeah and this guy knows like championship bloodlines and they breed the He spent some time in jail. and I love dogs. Absolutely. that he even has a chance to... You know why? What is it? I mean, it's just fucking brutal.

39:25 was in high school. Doug Flutie was Yes. Fucking great. What are they? That was about the you, right? Billy Corbin. That's a badass one. Billy Corbin did the first one. That was about the U, right? Cocaine Cowboy. Let me tell you something. he goes, the Miami Dolphins used to ask the college guys to get them into the clubs. coat that told them, go out

41:03 everything. I want you to tap off, not celebrate. I want high fives. I want fucking chains out there. High fives. I want everything. I want you to fuck not celebrate. And those bitches knew what time it was. Them sisters, they weigh 300 with the heels. That's the one with the U. warrants that. Isn't it interesting that when you have They're like, dude, you blacked it

42:41 Remember? all over himself. and he had a stutter. with molester I got to touch you five feet from the line of scrimmage. Lester Hayes. They were like, either. right he was the assassin and he got his helmet caught in a finger his finger caught in a helmet So just cut it off. It was already, like, halfway through the game. Powerful Joe Diaz. It's on iTunes.

45:01 But then you're going to do our stand-up show. I'm just going to sit there and giggle my fucking ass off at Joey. Joey just passed through it. your first pee of the day Was it on your podcast All reason black people rest is so they can talk Oh rest to talk. No, eat to talk. No, it was rest. He goes, all reason why people rest is so they can talk. Oh, rest to

46:40 them? No, Joey cracked them open. He was a grown ass man The photos are amazing. But in my head, I'm like, there's no way Joey slipped it to him. Yeah. Are we going deep? Exactly. My dad is the king of that. I could be like, I robbed a bank today. Like, just tell me. adventure, if they can air it. they were just kind of getting hip It's really ridiculous

49:19 If you don't know, do you ever want to do anything with them? No, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh. I'm about to start a billion dollar a year business. And you're like, we were talking about what movie to go to see. I was like, my dad doesn't want to be on TV. My dad is hilarious. Can we cast a dad for you? And Bernard Hopkins refuses to admit it's him playing it on the show.

51:52 I have to listen to him. You remember that, Joe? I don't know. The sold-out Ice House Comedy Club show, how does fucking Bert's brain work? So he's got no goddamn excuse. I don't think so. Oh. No. was really actually one of the coolest things ever because like did he freak out at all no not at all that he discovers late in life That's the coolest forms.

55:03 As long as it's mild. Do you liken super strong to psychedelic? they talked about, really extreme You just have to eat a lot of bit as strong as mushrooms. Really? Yeah. feeling where you're like i fucked up i fucked up And that's when you can close your eyes and see nutty shit. Yeah. You start seeing computer cartoon fractal shows. and everything looks kind of two dimensional

58:01 oh my god blowing my mind experiences I forget what his process was of extracting the THC and putting it into pill form. If I'm too high, you can't. Well, the eating pot is five times stronger, five times more psychoactive when you eat it And his friends like, can I have one? Oh, Jesus. You go, right there on that plane? That shit kicked my ass. I could function on a quarter.

1:01:12 guess that was just a shitty edible then i couldn't go to bed and it started like my heart in my stomach maybe and it just took a while to digest it or something. Your body has to break it down and it doesn't get to it. But yeah, Bad trips steer people have a pot cookie with your friends, You are in, like, you have super anxiety going. And the dude I was talking to was a very high-level jiu-jitsu guy

1:03:33 he might fucking eat you. at a new gym and he didn't realize how obvious it is that he's like a super high level guy And so someone got a picture of him or something. I don't know. on the wrong side of Please, God, get us home right now. Yeah. It's like millions of people all in this one giant city. Like, you can't believe it exists. No, who's that?

1:06:24 Like, in America. Does he live in L.A.? He lives in L.A. Oh, okay. He's a really good comic. Where's he from? Like, in America? Nanjiani. I mean, he's very successful. The thing that I was obsessed with when I had him on he's like exceptionally good at it so you you see like he just has such a command of doing stand-up, everything. I know in a lot of Spanish-speaking countries, there are clubs now and a stand-up show even for television

1:08:19 it was most certainly invented here Because before that, it was like a lot of guys that would share jokes. And all of a sudden he starts breaking down our use of language and why do we have to say this because it really doesn't. I'm sure his point of view was probably so incredibly unique at the time. He went to jail for using bad words. They locked him in cages.

1:10:56 Stay away from the smack, my friend. immediately of course gave him heroin that's what the oxycontin says gave him oxycontin and he was When you get hurt, like I know guys who were junkies and went to the doctor and they give them pain medication. You take that pill too, the painkillers, with a beer? No. Just a glass of wine and my Xanax, and I'm good to go.

1:12:36 Yeah. Get this fucking criminal off. The first time we touched a moist vagina. but there's a cause and effect, and it's not her fault. You don't realize that for a while. this angry, How do you get to be that person? A developing human being. calling your wife a cunt and you know kicking your dog and now you got a baby okay this guy has a Everybody wants to talk about oil.

1:15:58 That's humans. i had a payoff you know how many lobbyists i had a bribe you know that i earned this fucking boat It's so fucking funny. You're not the first person to say it. 90 000 square feet i think okay 90 000 square feet and it was modeled after versailles the I thought she was the most-old mother of eight. We never sought out to build the biggest house in America.

1:18:14 90,000 square feet. And it came to a screeching halt. What time is it now? When you're down is when you find out who your true friends are. You get strength from your marriage? They land, and she picks up her kid at the airport. where she's she's living in such a fantasy world how much money did homeboy lose um i mean nine But they sell you on, well, you can afford to do this.

1:21:39 You have the timeshare in Vegas. Oh, I see. It's probably for a lot of people more comfortable than going to a hotel. you're not going to get like a three-bedroom suite It's probably – like the one I went to because I actually got suckered in doing one of those. like spend our own money to fly to florida or we could have drove there and then we get there and

1:23:35 Yeah, except for the last two days. So every day what were they saying to you? He's just like, five days in Bahamas. They fly you to the Bahamas? Yeah. perfect age and i'm sure your credit you know and this would be a good investment in your life And I want to say it was probably something like you paid once, like a huge chunk of money. Right. were like all right you owe 800 in taxes so i ended up having to like back then

1:26:58 You could just decide that that person is your enemy. I mean how much can you go to like on the cheap to the Bahamas for and stay in the cheapest place possible? Like, it's three and a half or above hotel. is I will not compromise but we'll see something awesome? You want to do that. And I was like, nah, dude. I'm like, look, I want to go to Joshua Tree, but I don't want to stay in some shitty RV in the middle of some campground.

1:29:15 where I know if I go, I might have And you're like, okay. Sleep, what are you going to do? Last time I slept with a dude Where the dude ringtone. Last time I slept with a dude. Yeah, of course. It was crazy. And I was down there. his teeth. Oh my gosh. And he came out and he was like, what the fuck are you doing? I'm like, you, man. You came to visit, and now mouth guard in my mouth so that i didn't snore and he came out he was like

1:31:50 What? Tommy James. hitting the bag as well you actually lose It's like your whole body needs to work together as you explode out on impact. Yeah. huge difference yeah and being able to sustain like a an in and out you know breath versus like But the guy has like absolute control of his breathing. That breathing shit is like – it's super important, coordinating your breath.

1:34:54 And Thai guys do that a lot in training. you know and that's how and they try to do like 225 like 30 fucking times that shit is like all I did it in like 30 seconds, but I did it a lot. Yeah, your buddy, what is it? Yeah, yeah. He's a young man, but he's also a master. It's like a spinal decompression where it's literally like pulling your neck with this cord,

1:37:32 can feel like their Right, right. Inspirational influence. I agree, I agree agree and uh denny then he's definitely inspirational he's just i I love the fact that in the time I've known you, you became a really good comedian. It's pretty awesome. And, like, the best comics are the ones that can't even help themselves. guy has matt full charge nice is the best fun and he's a when you're around him he's all

1:39:49 Yeah. Northern California might be the best place on earth. I really do. Sucking dicks, yeah, man. Wow. where I see the girl really struggle Wow. He makes this frog suck him off. because we know that exists, He's raping that mouth right now. You can't. Mutual of Omaha's Chimp is busted. Cut off the head and fuck the snake. You have the sensitive tip, and that's what makes you shoot.

1:43:13 Is that what they used to be called? Winches. and she was on and so they were wow so what Doesn't it mean what it means in the cultural context? I mean, this is a Fear Factor, like, season two or something like that. It's merely because you're a little awkward. You're not a liar. I hate when it's stuff like that, though. It's a distracting amount. You know, there's that too.

1:46:10 well then that has to be like responded to it. Sometimes you tell stories and I think they're fucking – I don't trust them. No, no, no, no. She was like an LA 10. Like Ari would tell me the truth. You know, everybody appreciates that it's hypocritical to say part of like each of these people's nature yeah like ari is a guy who he's not like i'm gonna add

1:48:17 whether it's his time hijacked with a fake story I think he started out his first sets in D.C., right? taking him seriously. he's from Maryland. He was always a smart dude. But then once you get past that weirdness, you realize, oh, that's just Tommy Lawrence. Because the first time I saw Joey Lawrence, I was like, holy shit, that's Joey Lawrence. Tommy Davidson was like, hey, man, what's going on, man?

1:50:40 ellen just because you see george carlin over there he's a comic they're comics everybody's Without good comedy, our life would not be nearly as interesting, man. You just... May 2nd, I'm in Toronto. and I'm bringing Sam Tripoli and Tony Hinchcliffe. Do you see a future of you guys That's awesome. are you really from a bunch of people and they were like

1:53:19 I've got to talk to you about doing some shows Really? Bob. And there's only one version of that Laserdisc. They still have turntables. It was on clearance for some reason, and then two months later, a DVD came out. I was like, this is the best. It was on clearance for some reason. Is it better than Blu-ray, though? when I see a fucking PC user have Blu-ray players.

1:55:34 Wait, why would you take them out? did see the Google laptop with the Chrome operating system. All your games are on a cloud. Not me, my friend. that makes computer games. so much cool shit. It's getting worse and worse and worse. And she wants to get your freak on? So I'm researching this mall while I'm on hold, she looks like one she's a pretty asian i'm like wow so you've started following her after she was

1:59:09 I hope so. This whole time that she's actually the one that hacked my computer have you seen the pictures of ronda rousey with a death squad t-shirt on yeah no this is the fucking That's awesome. Yeah, well, she probably lives in a studio. And Kat Zingano, too. the female fight was the highlight of the room we were going crazy it was me my friend aubrey and a bunch of

2:01:09 The whole fight was great. because I hope it doesn't get us pulled off of YouTube or something like that. And really, Misha Tate was probably getting the better of it on the scorecards. They're not just women. that have never even considered it before. Start to look at it and go, you know going to open the door to so many female athletes that have never even

2:02:31 Strap him on. Oh shit. I've ever met on my planet. You're a sweetheart too, buddy. um, But divided we are weak. And then the crowd that night was just, you know. We appreciate it. and we got a good group of people. Holla. Something like Robin Hood said. See ya.