Joe Rogan Experience #353 — Brian Redban Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Oh, and show's coming up. She's a very, very nice person. shows at the Punchline in Sacramento. An excellent move. You go to DeathSquad.tv and there's all the links for tickets or Dick's party in my mouth. I remember going there with you and there was like double layers and it just goes back forever. Like maybe at the most they did like 150 people it was really

2:21 you're one of those up upright standard monologists it just stands It's just so different. Really? fucking crazy. The crowd was We ate good. It was like two loaves of bread. uh, uh, Well, Jersey is a strange spot. Yeah, I love Sacramento. That's the perfect room. Yeah, I love Sacramento. It's just set up. No, they are, though. It's like a giant methadone clinic for attention junkies, you know?

6:39 But you know what? Sometimes we do, but sometimes fuck it. And you were saying earlier like whatever episode this is, like 300-something. Like where do I even have the time to do these fucking things? Yeah. That's ruining your life. Right. that were in town. It's not worth it. and a little air sneaks in there from that little tunnel. There's a blog.

11:07 and tate's tate's not even human no that's tate's legendary manufactured sweat and drying blood and it was so bad and go suka. And it was too late. That's why he likes blue cheese. like you'd get in the car with us and we'd all have to roll down the windows because it was just They have somebody CGI her in different scenes with a green screen. like it's just crazy what a weird thing she is man she's such an odd odd famous person yeah she's so

15:07 That's just a part of life. What, do you play crosswords with her? So making a sex tape, little girls, might not be a bad thing if you want to be a rich But then she does that sex tape, No one matters. like that and so they can't you know you can't really just release and sell a porn video without Oh, really? anal loving ladies. Star, star, star, star, star.

18:59 And put it on the internet. did that he had like a website where he would i forget what his website was called but he would Oh, yeah. Right. Right. You know? And who am I to tell a chick not to be a hooker? Who am I to tell a guy or whatever. $40. Top of the where he can just pay for someone to rub him? There's this weird bonding thing going on. I'm like Mario Asperi in the

21:46 they're always open like 24 hours a day. and you're like, oh no, Krispy Kreme, are they open 24 hours a day? freaks who are real crazy Krispy Kreme Because if you get them, I don't want to tell you. dude i'm telling you they melt in your mouth you sink your teeth into them they have the perfect That was weird. And that's probably what it was because it was out of this world.

24:24 It's funny because... How am I going to come home to my kids? But one of the best ones, especially since this Boston shit, was looking at police scanners. Oh, no. like this is their seventh time doing it this week she's an elderly woman there's probably not like so people were like like who the fuck's this guy so yeah please scanner it's a It's on the iPad.

26:53 I think that's good that Apple approves apps. That's true. And I'm going to get one. You can see there's a picture of it on my Instagram. Okay, I'll get one. And it's almost like a TwitLonger with a picture. See that thing, that little piece of glass? So it's not a pair of glasses. your hand in front of you like yeah like I did Google searches and it worked like

30:32 Is that what it is? Right. No. Right. Yeah. And raw hamburger times of tragedy. No, you have to search for it. so you can kind of look around Or a lot of people tell you radiation how much radiation it gives out and what's an acceptable level. By the way, when we talked about that on the podcast, I got fucking angry tweets from black people. that's what almond butter is well yeah like almond milk is just almonds and water isn't it I don't

34:59 Yeah. But it makes sense to me that it's so delicious. over here yeah i uh i uh just got a physical recently and everything checked out which is weird because Did anyone ever even touch this shit? It's good stuff. they recommend you mix up the different foods and combine different types of proteins. Right. But when I drink too much to spell it you're an asshole yeah right you know how to spell it, you're an asshole.

38:55 Quinoa. but when you say i'm gonna have some quinoa i'd like to have some quinoa it's like i picture you Yeah. But I like how they make me feel. And it's coming out like it's being chased by zombies. kale shake is just green vegetable, Because garlic is, like, fantastic. I cook it a little. It just goes into your body and starts, ah! of bodies being dropped off

42:49 You have to have them. But just stop and think about that. And we should do a whole report about this guy. $500 credit limit? And then credit card companies just gave me a credit card right fresh. days and he was one of the first guys to go to jail for credit card fraud he uh was the first guy or one of the first guys to figure out that you could take the imprints

45:23 They would go, yeah, you know what? It was the weirdest thing I've ever seen in my life. pool. He played good, but he was just, he was just addicted to losing. It's like, for whatever were calling them international sal You just got on a plane. I don't even think I had a fucking driver's license. That would be awesome. Absolutely. it's recirculated.

48:41 is smoke he's the one that introduced me to marijuana when I was like 15. We just got our driver's license. That was when you were in high school Also, I don't know but uh so one thing i And his friend would come into town from Youngstown or something like that every weekend. And I just would fuck his sister for him. because I was like, Sometimes that's just how it is.

51:17 you want to go up there? and then it became a thing where every weekend he would bring her. And then, like, looking back, like, why was I doing this? Like traumatic moments for one thing. they would go, oh, that's all you're working with here? You know the facts as far as like where you were and what took place. But as far as like you remembering what actually happened and seeing it, unless it's a while ago, it's hard to beat off the girls that you fucked a decade ago.

53:09 When you were 16 Well, not only can you not watch it, it's illegal for you to have it. That's so weird. Hey, whoever you are, don't put iliketofuckkids.com and then forward that shit to my website. So fucked up. and then the word rape behind it and then you realize that everything he's saying And it was you were going to get advice. It was like five grand for like three days in Vegas.

56:37 And he is the reason why I'm so successful. yourself like you wrote that yourself you made a letter to yourself pretending you're this other So he sent me an email of a picture that he took of that email. What the fuck are you even talking about, man? Catherine Zeta-Jones just checked herself in for bipolar disorder. Player lifestyle seminar. She's still hot, dude.

59:39 Well, you already said the website. But this shit, this website shit, is not good. no there's like a disclaimer like why it's a jpeg of a It's really designed for desperate people that are mentally challenged. You know, this could be done, like, the right way. This is a person who's just trying to lie to you and get tons of cash from you. asked me why is this

1:02:58 and then turned it into a JPEG and sent it to me in a blank email. because someone might intercept it. Just getting caught like that and then claiming that that's what happened is one of the nuttiest fucking things I've ever heard in my life. Whereas if I get an email from my lawyer, it's a different kind of style. Whoa. So did he break it near the end of the fight?

1:05:48 Chael Sonnen and he was just doing it and they're getting involved in a fucking street fight, kicking elbows and fucking skulls and stomachs and catching chins. They could go with shin and instep pads, but that doesn't protect your toes. like was like oh my god like his toe was nasty i go oh okay all right so um nobody did anything Can we get a doctor in here, please?

1:07:40 He's like, no, no, no. They were laughing and cheering. And then he went to the press conference, and then he went to the hospital after all that. some criticism of that like whether or not he should have been allowed to eat that pizza. Because if he ate that pizza, what if he goes into – you need 10 hours, I think, from the time you eat until they let you go under gas.

1:09:06 Because if you eat and then you go and get anesthesia, And then you wake up and you're like, They can just pop you under and cut you open. Dentists. Well, guys that get like fake teeth, I have a rod into my skull. Yeah, you just get the. We thought it was a tooth and went flying. I was probably highlighted it on the on the slow-mo, you know sixth grade or something like that yeah i'm not i'm supposed to get rid of it but

1:12:16 Oh, I know. Veneers? So it's probably. I don't want that like, hey, I got white teeth. I just want to have like normal teeth. Now, but back in the day, she had this big, giant smile. It does suck. Where they go from being, like, really hot to almost repulsive. It is Oh TMZ she made TMZ though Yeah. Those high curbs should be. If you're sticking a camera in an old lady's face like that, she's a little weirded out by it.

1:15:28 And that's exactly what it's like. You know, or areas where that could be like a real issue. So annoying. I think Opie did it on purpose. I think he did it so he'd have something you talk about Who did it to you Opie I think Opie did it on purpose No It was like the day back it wasn't even he didn't even ding it just it seemed like it should have like made a loud

1:16:51 It's always Joey Diaz tweeting, like, I'm about to go live. When people have radios in their cars that can play internet, which a lot of people do now, but it's not quite 100%. If a guy like Joey could do an internet morning show and stream it live. Just get him every day from 6 to 9. Well, I don't know if you saw it. and use your radio and access things like Spotify and Stitcher,

1:18:45 That's my car. There's also the – But that one that you saw there, the iPhone 5 one, is that a stick shift? Yeah, paddle shifters means it's an automatic. Well, gas, I think you're supposed to – It costs less when you buy a car. Like it was like a big deal. You should probably roll down your own windows, too. Which one was it? like soft, calm environment. Like that car will calm you down.

1:21:16 Yeah, that's true. some people that like really like cars like older cars they love the fact that you feel everything Oh, if it goes out, you're fucked. that and go straight oh yeah like no problem yep you know it's like when you wanted to turn you they're the most un-aerodynamic It's better that way. Yeah, remember cars where you would just hit that lever and it would fully recline back?

1:24:36 It's like being in the future. You know, people like SUVs because they're big. There was too many of us. That was back in the heyday, the initial death squad weeks. It's not a bad idea because, first of all, you travel around with a lot of equipment sometimes. We totally have a podcast studio. I'm for it, man. Because my friend's neighbor had one growing up in the 70s.

1:27:09 Quiet out there, you fucking savages, while the thing is playing. Yeah, I know some people. right now which is okay with cellular remember we we did it uh we broadcast me you and greg and No. Did Scooby-Doo live in that one? They're wall mounted. That one with the door. Oh, so that's... This looks more like a mobile workstation, Right. It's over here with this fucking guy.

1:29:48 in this. paint something too much painting to do. bombings, so it recorded like 30 have a key to get in like a speakeasy. Girlfriend Clubs. I know a dude Companionship Clubs. Yes, that's what it is. Companion clubs. Companion club. Companionship clubs. But there was also probably a lot of, like, low-level planning for prostitution. no, no prostitution at all.

1:31:55 Never could make it happen. True. That's why I like trying all these weird massage parlors latelyors lately like it's weird to me that that lifestyle even happens you know yeah it's uh The big thing over the grill. Like you would just drive by and go like, that's just an old van. There's a Scooby-Doo van for sale at Craigslist. They're like, you know, making kissy noises and like, hey, why don't you come in here?

1:35:39 The sisters said that old age and arthritis were the main reasons for their retirement See, like, here's, like, the little window in front of the door. really disturbing. They look like dudes Man, the darkness that they must have seen. It's like the Red Hat Club. your kids that's when it would really gross you out imagine if you had a kid That was someone's little cute baby that was so sweet.

1:38:07 Yeah. Oh, yeah. And then come back, but when she came back She bought Mike Tyson's place. Because people love to have sex, right? A massage is actually more not drinking the food or eating and just giving her the money and skipping that part? Like You can't do it for money. Companion kisses on my dick sack, son. about it is archaic compared to the rest of the world completely archaic our country's attitude

1:41:47 And they're like, the weird sex hangup is like, Oh yeah. And then once you get to them, well, it's sort of like you start reading a book. And then you have to try to find one that you actually do like, a story that you like. Like, he'll have one, he'll fuck it up, he'll have another and fuck it up. Yeah, you're doing a lot of stuff. Because if you have a girl and you're dating her and you're out almost every night doing comedy, they're going to get annoyed at you, man.

1:44:47 I can't. Yeah. Right. we, I wouldn't want to be with him, Like they seem like they were designed for each other. No. I'd be such a fucking slut. Yeah, I don't think I've ever dated a sex I've never been successful dating another comedian ever I dated one during the But the downfall is like but for a while. And so then when I met Esther, I had no idea.

1:47:45 I bury her. Do you get crazy? Do you go 50 Yeah. Do you spit in her mouth? No. I bury her. Tony was calling her still and doing that kind of shit where it would be four in the And now me and Tony are like best friends. So you set that up so that you could talk to him and tell him not to call Esther for booty calls? Nice to meet you. Yeah, he did Indianapolis with me.

1:49:16 It's like you're always going to have more people. But it's a real issue to have a developing class of upcoming guys. I was like, thanks. And I said, you can't. And then the following week, they put it back up. No. It's going to be really weird decision-making there, though. But then last night I heard a steakhouse. Or just having a good kitchen. Yeah, the Ice House is badass.

1:51:56 Right. We were trying to figure it out. about 2000 i would say 2000 yeah that's that's a good no i mean there's a lot of open micers but you can't count those but if you're talking about even the smaller guys that are still going on the Yeah, I guess so. Hilarious guy. And so I think he just does all of his writing and knows what's funny and what's not

1:53:48 and he, uh, No, He doesn't fly past Chicago. And does he do a podcast now? him say what he wants whenever he wants to say it he's hilarious he has like really right-wing You know, like you're so limited. But you know you can't say this. Because if I do, everyone's going to get so sad. she would start biting their face. You should be able to say that too.

1:57:27 And you could say it on the radio and no one could say a goddamn thing. We are apes. You know, you might say something like that while you're going to get a cup of coffee Come on, pal. I had this guy at CVS. I was buying beer I just wanted CVS nuts. No, it's a great beer. Our good friend, by the way. Yeah. Yeah, but I'm saying we didn't have a big camera.

2:00:25 Where do you buy it? he said, you're missing a little bit of the nuclear waste. Who makes that shit? It's like that, but better. Before that day, I just didn't. I think Heineken tastes fucking great. thing, and now this That's hilarious. He can bottle it and everything? How does he ship it? Barney? No, not Barney's, but Barley's. Barley's company. There's Shane and his friend.

2:03:52 Oh, that's a great name. Okay, it just says Black Butte Porter. D-E-S-C-H-U-T-E-S Brewery. I can't tell, but there's a place by my house called Tony's Darts Away, which isn't even a dart place. Yeah, I'm more – I'm just like that. It's a weird thing that we don't have a public transportation system. And earthquakes. that's under the ocean. back in the Disney.

2:07:32 I was, my ears were popping. I was like, why are my ears popping? And, uh, my friend Matt said, pants going we're underwater right now that's the dumbest thing i've ever heard in my life Are they called colossals or giant? Oh, my God. 12 to 14 meters hanging at the end. That shouldn't count for That's where the top is. the human eyeball it's eyeball developed independently of the human eyeball and strikingly works with the same principles because they deviated from our you know whatever wherever

2:10:41 And they just turn around like a record. it turns in 360 degrees. What's so funny is that I was really tired laying on the couch. That one's insane. Well, I told you that the legend of the kraken, That is so strange. It's not going to make any noise. Not only if you chop one off, don't they grow right back? Yeah. And you got all the way to like 10 inches and you're like not satisfied.

2:13:34 If there was a time, if there comes a time where we really can engineer the size of various body parts, people are going to look so strange. You know, you get to transport them for weeks, they don't go bad. it's not going to matter. that this artificial symmetry is probably not good Ghost shark. Have you seen ghost shark? No this is It's got like a mouth

2:15:46 Jesus Christ. Christ! Is that scary? What's it biting? They kind of know, but there's so much room for discovering new species. of species to be found it's probably a fairly limited number but the ocean man we've only It looks like a cyclops-eyed spider almost. It's Arizona State. and where you know if we found that probe and apparently it had I know.

2:19:51 You're such a dickwad. Like, if elephants didn't exist and they found an elephant on the moon, it'd be like the most studied thing ever. People are less stressed out because there's no traffic. one gorilla and it was his birthday there so they're giving him some cake or something like thing that eats broccoli. That's an 800-pound primate. These two gorillas leaping at each other

2:22:44 We think of The discovery of the mountain gorilla was 1902. Nearly 2,500 years ago, an African locals shared their name for the giant ape with them, Wow. They probably figured that shit out. What year did the Titanic go down? That's just a Zeppelin. They thought they were going to be able to fly people all over the world. I told you that I have a reoccurring dream.

2:26:46 over the city, these platforms where you would pull in with your giant flying Cadillac. And it It's a really weird fucking dream. And were you walking out? the rocketeer what was that oh the rocketeer. What was that movie? Oh, The Rocketeer. Was. They all they didn't have the sleekness of a Cadillac STS-V, you know? They had that weird sort of rounded, bulbous look

2:28:56 That's a good question. Like your dick leaks. around with white underwear, you're a silly person. That said, really you should take But when I went there, they had one of those Japanese toilets that goes over the toilet seat with, like, Oh, there it goes. Oh, my God. look at that thing playing flames You know that's the first time I've ever seen that in full

2:31:30 Watching people die, even people that died a long-ass time ago, You know, I mean, it literally was that big. It like like a giant skyscraper made of fire yeah whoops we don't do it that way anymore hey you live you learn come on you gotta crack a It's kind of got a life of its own. It's very strange. It was like they were so happy to see him. Hey, don't stop doing this.

2:33:54 great responsibility for the whole thing i'm the male oprah okay that's how we're doing it piece of circumstance. And then the great Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco, one of the best comedy clubs on the planet Earth, as is the fucking Punchline. Winnipeg is basically sold out, you fuck. There you go. Go to rogan.ting.com. there you are