Joe Rogan Experience #362 — Eddie Ifft Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! How are you doing? It's a fake paraplegic who he used to be a woman. She had a secret, and the secret was that she's a fake paraplegic. She lives in Salt Lake City and used to be a man. You know, like... to your mind, man? Really? Do you really? I had a friend who loved dating girls who had been abused because he said they were always the craziest in bed.

3:07 I'm like get out of my house like you just fucking cracked me and I was like and she just started After slapping. Model, like smoking hot. I said, I'm looking for a place in New York, like a room to real estate. I go, wait, We did coke all night. For a weekend. Miami. like $25,000 a week in there. Oh, yeah, that's crazy shit. I got a buddy who is – They have a bank.

6:27 You have like fucking money. Just sitting around lazy, waiting for it to happen, waiting for someone to die off. Well, no, he worked hard, but someone did die. He would call me and be like, How much money did he inherit? He's not fun anymore. It killed it. Oh. They have pictures of him smoking crack. like in the hood if Mary and Barry can do it, Don't lend him money.

8:42 He's still on the radio now. Danny Bonaduce. And he starts talking to me about comedy. One night he came to a show at Stand Up New York. he's like no come on we're gonna go party we'll come back Crack. He would go, okay, I'll try that. How dare you. How dare you. It seems strange. I talked to him on Friday or Saturday. This is a good buddy of mine in New York.

11:29 I'm the king of Kansas City. Well, they're characters, and I appreciate them. Pays you. And it's like, come on, man. and he was wrong oh oh yeah the comedian was right by 200 the comedian was right the club That sounds normal. You know, he's got a little overhead. Absolutely I do. And like I said, I appreciate comedy club owners because it's a fucking business that I don't want to be in.

14:33 You know? in Florida. The guy and he's moving who got in trouble recently like got in trouble down there and the cops were after him and he stands by the comics. I love this because there was a comic who got in trouble recently, like got in trouble down there, and the cops were after him, and he stood by him. There's a lot of piece of shit. going on. And then you have to get them kicked kicked out and then you find out your bartender's been stealing from you and then you

16:48 to be wild and crazy And I was there Wasn't he the heroin addict? So anyway, they come out and are fucking nailing it. They didn't know what to do yet because everybody had been sitting down before we brought Stone Temple Pilots up. So it kind of tripped Day Now. Well, they were so badass it didn't matter. Well, he had his dick in his hand. I was in there one night, and this dude walks up to me and asks me for drugs.

19:53 Like, he just walked around going, you got drugs, you got drugs, you got drugs. The Scott Whalen guy, what All the time. Really? Yeah. these doctors who went to So then the next night I got in this altercation with this dude. And I'm like, why does everyone think I'm on coke? They want to calm you down and slow you down. It's sort of a subliminal way to get you to stop being so –

22:08 I never, ever fight. It was so much fucking fun. They work well. and say hey i know you might be having a bad night that kind of thing i'm sorry blah blah i'm sorry want the limes. I don't want anything from you. I go, cause you're a horrible person. I go, and I I said – I go, I've had murderers on my podcast that are nicer people than her. She – that was it and uh so i'm out in the parking

25:12 So I do what I do best. I go, I fight MMA, dude. That's what it is. I should have just run. we're going to jump me. I go get the cops. And I'm like, good. You guys just were going to jump me. It's Florida. Well, especially when the cops don't know the whole story. It's a very funny story. Oh, no. Oh, my god. Cops got involved. What? they're not going to like a comedian in the parking lot.

28:07 His comedy. because that's what he does for a living. I can't remember, but it was in a podcast. That's what it is. That's kind of a funny thing to say and you just decide to go and attack him. Like, oh, this new material fucking sucked. Tony, you told the crowd I taped TV today, Sounds like there was more, though, behind that. always noticed. Whenever a comic

30:53 Somebody obviously likes him. And he's like, they're a cool new indie band from Seattle. But his sense of music – I'm not into his type of music, but I can play him some Leonard Skinner. But I'm not going to say if he's not funny or not. you got to like get into their head first And I think that a lot of times when you're seeing new and upcoming comedians, there's a lot of frustration going on.

33:34 Not that long. He made me laugh. He's good. shit like that they they lash back at you because they know exactly what you're really doing I Is the shot for you doing a sitcom? I don't know. dirty and i couldn't believe the shit sarah was saying i couldn't believe what you were saying No, it was dog shit. I was doing like open mic spots at the Funny Bone in Pittsburgh.

36:36 And I went, how long? I was writing them. Oh, he would just fucking kill me. That's like kind of where – I mean they'd always done roasts. for being here tonight and i just fucking melted and i was just shitting myself and then they hit And he goes, dude, they're talking about you. No, not really. Pittsburgh wasn't like that. And I went to New York and they You didn't know anybody like that? I didn't know one – no, not really.

39:24 I mean I just had a guy quit my podcast because I was always fucking with him. Like, what are you doing, cocksucker? I live for it. Jim Norton had a slice of pizza, and Louis C.K. just slapped the pizza out of his hand. And Steve Byrne walks in, grabs it, crumples it up and throws it on the ground. He punched him in the face? And, you know, Tony was a brand new comic.

41:31 A comics only table is a beautiful idea. And so they do it to comics Comes back from the bathroom. jokes at work. But wouldn't it be cool if somebody might have done that? These people got hit in the head, and their heads would snap back. It was really kind of fucked up because they had this contraption. like okay we had a secret show where all the people involved talked about it i bet there's a lot of people now pretending to be involved yeah because

44:50 You know that front area of the comedy store? How about snowballs with rocks inside of them? these trees we'd be behind these trees we'd throw the crab apples and we'd kind of try to once they The last guy would kick the stick out. and that guy came there They're not going to help you. Should I finger his ass and maybe this guy will come or just – You're on your own.

47:17 Boom, boom. motherfucker he was a tough guy obviously yeah he was an athlete too he moved really quick took this guy down and just smashed his fucking face in people Yeah, yeah, yeah. I never did that. There was this crazy fucking group of kids in our neighborhood that used to fucked up of kids. You're throwing crab apples, you fuck. Crab apples will dent the shit out of a car. There was this crazy fucking group of kids in our neighborhood that used to – fucked up crazy kids.

48:40 That's how people die. With the eagle on the hood? I don't know if he's still in prison. My high school has been on the cover of USA Today like three times in my life. That's not as good as my story. I know. He was like a seventh-year senior in high school. He'd come to school once a month, but he was the toughest motherfucker ever. to go pick up Bob Corby, you got to bring a lot of cops because he's that badass.

51:57 She goes, don't come up here. But she – the argument was when drug dealers raid, like – She shotgunned a cop, but the argument is – and if you know from Craig Glazier from Sanford and Sons when he used to raid drug dealers, that was how he made his money. Yeah. She probably, yeah. I think she's still in. He dragged this guy for I think it was something like seven miles.

54:12 Was she hanging on or was – So I said, what's going on? She goes, let me in your car. gas to like get away from her and this is all a split second so my reaction is, fuck, this chick's getting in my car, and I drive, and I just see her just get dragged and then thump, thump. You know what? And I had to make this decision where I'm like, do I fucking leave or not?

56:14 You gave her the finger after you almost killed her. You weren't. Yeah. or a Jack in the box, Were you from that town? he drove drunk and smashed into a tree and killed his friend and And there was that guy who drove over the guy. him. I was really bad. Every 20 feet you can get fucked up. While you're driving? It was seven miles. Like in my head I went.

59:55 And what happened to him? And the – my one friend of all my friends, only one friend said to me, he's like, I was practically like crying in there. Like he was just loving it. 60, Chris Henry. Like if I was 16, it would be one thing. Yeah, it was terrifying. seen this no oh god are people really that fucking stupid is this the one where they fuck it up yeah

1:02:14 Oh! Yeah, that's a good way to die, right? Yeah. It's still so fucking stupid. That's ridiculous. I mean, the worst accident I ever saw was a dude jumping from one boat to another and smashed his face. Some of the shit those guys did, like when Johnny Knoxville was a fucking – already a movie star, puts a blindfold on. I can't watch that shit. and hook up to another guy with a

1:04:33 But the risks they're taking – the jackass guys produce. Why? Brutal. It's the grossest picture ever. I get it, but I don't like it. I'm sure. Didn't he get hurt a few years back? The guy has broken like every bone in his body. Yeah. pastranos no i've heard the name travis is the motocross racer oh yeah he's uh rally racing a Broken everything. Yeah, I think there's something scientific to it.

1:07:15 tribute to Evel Knievel. unless he was awake. He couldn't put them under for it. And they had to bring whatever the – it was like an anterior cruciate ligament or So he put it in like – he owns a BMX company. It was the first one. Like I didn't ever want that to happen. I met a – Yeah, yeah. reflex it still happens but when you're in a coma you don't swallow oh so they

1:10:26 Oh, God. You have to think that someone was like, Steve, we want you to write this. I've been a smoker for 20 years. With Blue, you can smoke at a basketball game if you want to. Is it like a Japanese one? A new commercial what? It's kind of like the same idea as what we just watched, but with Courtney Love. No She has a lot of jewelry on smoke in here

1:13:29 enjoy that smokes It's better. Maybe he's Bill a hut in Taiwan Don't you know that? He loves them Let me guess first Hmm. Would you do it? before I did News Radio, and you said, I've done some shit that I'm really embarrassed. The world turns and we turn with it. Four million. Fuck, yeah. He might do something really amazing with it. And so because – and I read there was the hypocrisy of Matt Damon.

1:17:09 a lobby against the banks. I really don't think Brad would be like, Hey, I'm not putting the offer up there right now, guys. You know your webcams. where she might possibly know someone but let the rest of the world just jerk off to her never ever Where are you getting money? I would like it to work. Right. All this global power grab would be in the toilet.

1:20:27 Somehow. Like that's like a, people love to do shit like that. What are they going to let people go as well? companies, and the Russian mafia just became like billionaires overnight. Like people were smart enough to say, let's buy all this currency. It doesn't make any sense. Well, when we had that proposition to vote to make pot legal, I was trying to read about it, and I'm not even a big pot smoker.

1:23:49 and all that were growers and stuff were against it a lot more money and it's harder to find people to sell it. It's harder to find people that But who would ultimately make the money on marijuana? in your supermarkets without labels all of that shit happens, I mean you have to have like a wildly popular platform for you to be accepted and you don't have as much money or you have to compete against a real jackass.

1:26:56 know i don't understand finances that much i'm too add for that shit yeah i i got the app and Did you see the guy who's selling a house in Canada with Bitcoin? but like World of Warcraft and that stuff. back your character is like a master wizard because these are like fucking total super nerd newborn and she doesn't want it because she wants to get back to her character

1:29:28 and i didn't think they existed until i was in my like late 20s and then i was like okay i think i they can handle it and and just flew like tripped over the bathtub and flew and like almost chipped every single one of her teeth out. Someone had to catch her atrocious i the the anxiety level and the paranoia and the the fucking you know like i thought i was

1:31:50 You're an MMA fighter. And that's how I was talking, and I never once said – the next day they said, oh, you said she should be raped and you said – I said no. I don't give a fuck about this story. I know what you're saying. You know? um i've never been one to start shit with people i don't like starting shit with people but i also Right, right, right.

1:34:10 While they were working? that your buddy works with are tripping over themselves trying to please this girl and When the guy, when he finally calmed down, I said to the guy, he said, you've got a girl in there crying right now. Cunts, Eddie Heft. Cunts. out there, okay, and you're an unattractive guy and you're working at a fucking kitchen and a bar, you know, you're flipping burgers.

1:35:56 It's like, man, I got that cocaine, but, dog, I can't give you none. But I heard you gave Billy cocaine. A fucking bug just attacked me. i friends of mine that i'm like let me take you to a hooker. Cleaning toilets or letting a guy put a condom on you on top of you And he said, yeah, I used to be a funeral director up north in Boston. He's almost positive.

1:38:46 There's probably some dark hole of the internet It was him and his boyfriend, person's sexual parts while his fellow I guess it is real if you decide it's real. A drink? And I swear to God we put it on something very similar. a girl I fucked at Don Pablo's where She wanted the Don Pablo. Thought it'd be funny. How rude. That's just rude. That guy's a dick.

1:42:20 It would just freak them out. You need to practice this in a lab before you stick it in a girl's body. that bother you like i know that you have tampons you tell I didn't understand it. Like being a guy, you don't understand like how could that bother you? Yeah, I've done that. Yeah, I guess you would have to. You'll do any little thing you can do.

1:44:20 Like, am I really that retarded that I just said that? Right. It took me a long time to realize that if you just go when you're trying to hook up with a girl and you go, fine. I found that. if you kind of do what they do and you kind of play hard to get, Here's my, We've all been there. It's all good. You don't want to do, like, It is. You don't think so?

1:47:09 and I'm like, don't tell me how to do my act i'm on my way home and they're like what do you mean i've had three club owners in the last two years tell me uh you're too edgy and you're too offensive You can't tell a guy not to do his act. But if you're going to allow him to go on stage, you're not a producer. And I said, what? You're going to have to pay me what I was contracted to be paid.

1:49:07 Well, they can't. who breaks all these taboos especially if you break the same taboos or if your act is clean if you see a guy who's an unknown name, he's not an unknown name just to you. Not many, but I've heard more stories about guys do it. I might go on stage and just make up my own joke that comics will do. to close. I'll get mad Jesus Christ.

1:52:26 Five minutes, they get away. happens this happens that's why that happened it's kind of you know like like dumb shit where Like what the fuck are you saying? You can get soft. Like, I want to do the best to give the best at whatever I got at that point. an issue there I don't know what the fuck it is but do you know how many people I mean me And also the struggle – like I struggled for so long.

1:55:32 You just fucked up and you got famous in Australia. i think i got i gotta one better. I have to. I listened to Comedy Central Radio today It was terrible after there's like zero thought people that don't know you try to put your best like your strongest bit the comedy? And they were really They were playing it. Yeah. Like a comic that I would see in the club, and I'm like, oh, I didn't like that, and it might have been five years ago.

1:58:47 You buying this? Why did he always make you laugh? really hard. I remember he was just He used to bark outside the comedy cellar to get people. the best shows i've ever seen best sets you ever see a you know you know when you see a guy like that just completely ad-libbing. One of the best shows I've ever seen, best sets. Yeah. It's all about that show right there.

2:01:04 I have to kill. And there's something about that. I mean, that got to win this crowd. I have to kill. And all of a sudden they decide that, oh, I fucking hate it. Where I'll go, I hate where I'm at right now. Have to. Yeah, I've got a crowd, and I sell tickets. So why don't you just put all your emphasis on that? Because Arj, doesn't Arj do like six months or something?

2:02:56 If you can get used to being over there It's like – They're more relaxed. Yeah, it's ridiculous. The shows are fun as hell to do there. Do they drive on the right side of the road? He's so gangster. You could do that, Brian. We won't need to. we're doing is sitting in front of our fucking laptop slapping a headgear on yeah or something We were having issues with – I mean my parents are getting old and I want to be near my parents.

2:06:00 I would probably pick up and leave if we didn't have the families here because I like it that much over there. Why not, right? No. a weird fucking year and i was there this year i went to perth and i looked into going surfing and That's like right there. He was north of Santa Barbara. triathlete yeah they were uh yeah they were they were uh training it's so rare though you other

2:07:57 It's a big shark, and it cuts him right in half. I hate that nonsense scenario. No sharks. uh key west or something she was on the boat and a stingray just came out and fucking clocked her I think they're called. and these people are driving boats Oh, my God. Where are we going to surf? Too much sea life there. And I go, fine. white pointer uh bit his board and you could see the teeth marks. You can Google and look at the picture.

2:11:46 Yeah, apparently it's a little bit of blood that has to be in the water. Yeah, apparently it's just a little bit of blood that can... I mean I would imagine it would be really fun, but I just can't – I can't believe it would be fun enough to risk. See these guys getting nailed by these fucking fish? They're all over the place. I mean, they literally launch themselves in the air.

2:13:28 How fun would it be to see another fish out? a shark attack than one of these things. Yes. Yeah. They can get to be 110 pounds, and they fly through the fucking air. are known. Mm-hmm. Well, some guys really get dragged underwater. Is it fake? Catch a funnel and release it. What is that? He's going to let that thing go. I don't think that's real. not gonna i don't think people understand how strong a hundred pound catfish is either

2:16:54 Like they're holding. Yeah, that sounds like almost Italian. It's like a dolphin size. It's insane. I'm going to turn you into sticks. Largest catfish. I think it's something enormous like over a thousand Okay. Okay. Wait, sharks, they get thousands of pounds. Okay, this this is it mekong giant grizzly bear catfish the adult nine foot long 646 pounds oh my god

2:19:58 Oh, that would make you some money. Yeah. I went down in the cage in South Africa with the Great Whites. So you can, like, climb out of the cage and into the boat. Yeah, we were there. And they put fish oil in the water. But these great whites, they were the big fuckers. I mean I was looking at ones That were at least 12 These were terrifying Yeah this is

2:22:50 Wow. I'm not sure here. but he couldn't land it. They found them over there, South Africa. And they don't come to the coastal regions well what the fuck are they they're just a big fucking motherfucking oceanic they're the ones The largest great white shark was caught off Phillip Island and and it weighed an amazing 5,085 pounds. So oceanic shark, that's what I'm looking at?

2:25:22 The oceanic white tip shark. Look it up. because I was in Fairbanks where the university is. What? And that's what it was that I read that they, Come on. So I was looking up which types are the most aggressive because you always hear different stories. They found one as high north as Illinois. One of them was bull sharks. They're just dicks. It's in Broome, Australia, where a whale beached up – it's like in a foot of water, a foot of water.

2:28:18 Yeah, I've seen shit like that. This is a small group. Did you ever see the images online? If you look in Google, you can find one with a shitload of them. I don't want to die like that. No, no, no. People do it to people they love. Don't Google image search it. No. they grinded up teeth. He ate teeth. And one was who can eat more meat. And he was grinding up meat and making meat shakes this

2:31:49 Some people want to die that way. Yeah. I don't know why anyone does it. It's so gross. Okay, I think you're wrong. They put them on the table to drain the blood. and he had never been to Jewish funerals. drains underneath so he walks in the room and sees them just sees his body and just fucking So what happens, though, is that funeral homes will rip you off.

2:34:45 apparently that's like You can't just say, You can't bury your friend in your yard. Wow. I mean, how much do people spend on their weddings? where the coffin is in the elevator? It's fucking great. I'll watch it. Brazilian prank show. No. No. Twitter me. How dare you? Some people. Austin, South by Southwest, I think a lot of folks, We ordered new versions

2:37:58 the tour dates are all up there. July 5th, Vegas.