Joe Rogan Experience #373 — Joey "CoCo" Diaz Transcript

Transcript

0:00 It's bad for your health. Okay? I held it in my hand, and I got nervous. even Renazizi was saying Renazizi's out there I gave you the pain relief one, too. I drink coffee and go to sleep, to be honest with you. Oh, my God. There's some coffee that's fucking out there. like stronger than a cup of coffee. them more, I guess, to make it dark, From the start, they mix it in there with a fucking wrench.

2:32 Starbucks, have you been to Miami International Airport and see that Starbucks is always empty? No, no, no. I mean, you can get more than take pills. That's the one that made me go to Cedars-Sinai for having a panic attack. I felt like I was having a heart Yeah, but it was a big ass one. What's a C2O? Oh, they gave you like an IV drip? What is that?

4:37 What, just say you have a heart attack? Huh? That is brilliant. No, no. You're streets on. About the ambulance. He wanted to do whatever the fuck he wanted to do. And this dick was just driving around. It's scary. It's scary. Yeah, people I'm like, this is fucking rude. They're going 60. So everybody who's going slow goes to the fucking right. Well, you really have to go fast.

8:16 Is that real? That's insane. Now, was there sugar in water? So that's Kool-Aid? It's trying to get you to drink water, obviously. Yeah, I'm trying not to drink coffee right now, We got a little package here. Yeah. Xylitol. Well, let's Google it. And I have sugar, too, which I don't use. worse than getting off the blow, not Oh, my God. Also for increasing the strength of the muscle contractions

11:40 He could be our patient zero, all sorts of different flavors and shit. it could easily snow like a bitch in march right yeah oh yeah it's about it's risky in march wow, take care, buddy. Oh, fuck. I had never been there before. Like, overwhelmingly. That bar was great. He was on the charts? He tortured this little We had an awesome time. It was a late show, bro.

15:05 And it was. And I closed it. Wow. No shit That's amazing People were like, hey, you're going to be at the South Point? 1230, right? Oh, that's hilarious. got mobbed by people. and said hello. A lot of guys I It's way the fuck out there. and it's great to do the joint. We walked past Brad Garrett's, and it's like, eh. Dom does it. I think that he just likes a certain style, I think Adam Hunter did it and he liked it.

18:20 So there is a few comedy clubs. But let me tell you something, buddy. We all know he does. I might want to go to Vegas. She's doing it? Yeah. She lives in Vegas So a lot of people, like that dude just changed it to 10. Vegas and what? I see the fucking concessions. And the fact that these dirty unions for five fucking minutes. We shoot over it. because the UFC

20:54 Of life. You can get whatever Where you can pull that off? They serve till 2? Oh it's delicious Never heard of it. Everything's easy. No bread, no butter, and the house salad. Have you really? The cap back opened. Yeah. Calzones on Columbus? Remember there was that other place down the street where I got that video of Tommy Bunz? Oh, yeah, with Denny.

23:20 Yeah. So it's like a pole, and there's some seats, little tiny seats with seatbelts. they're doing it by putting bait in a box. I went to the Playboy Mansion, and I got to see all his rare birds. But when you walk in, it just seemed like it was fake. How many acres does that dude have out? I would imagine that place would be expensive as fuck to keep up.

26:08 That's craziness. and Mickey Mouse. I got crabs. You know what was the coolest thing was how many older playmates were there. I mean, there's this room that the floor's made out of, like, a mattress. But the carpet's just, it looks like carpet, but it's actually a mattress. And they would just come up and like, hey, guys, how's it going? It was a Barbie Benton.

27:57 No. Barbie. She had been doing fuckin' crunches. No, I don't think she goes there. is very interesting. and talk to me like that. but they're having a great time. But when you look at that place, you go, I could see this being a yeah well it should be kind of yeah you can not then I met Hefner's kids, though, and his sons, and I think they're going to take over.

30:37 The crazy thing when I lived in Boulder. Wow, a Hef one limo. It was on about a month ago. What the fuck? Yeah, Star 80. He discovers her in Canada. Then one day he's on celebrity rehab. As an actress? At the end, he fucking gets these benches. Oh, no. They did two movies. But, dog, what he says, the monologue, what he says to Mickey Rourke when he goes,

33:20 and you look them in the face and tell them, You don't look at nobody. That's why it's weird when you see him like one day in that crazy karate movie. co-star like me. was in that Sylvester Yeah, yeah, he was in that. Wasn't he? Blow? The movie Blow? And she's Julia Roberts' niece. She was the cute girl in Blow Didn't really, huh? She's got to be 18.

35:28 a rehab for weed, Sure. a day or something. So when you get a guy that is a stand-up comedian It's the same thing. But, you know, marijuana, really? How often have you been drinking? You're listening to Sweet Home Alabama when your car drives off the cliff. Jack Daniels, old number seven. That is not happening the rest of my fucking life. Did you say a powdered beer?

38:46 You go to a football game or a UFC event, you drink three beers, I ain't kidding you. Because there's a bunch of different Jacks. I don't fuck with none of those cocksuckers. Yeah. I seen that there was light. And the people that came out. But I would have gone. I think it's beautiful that Yeah. They interviewed me for like an hour before the weigh-ins then we had to rush back

41:53 stage, they went nuts. calling him the greatest fighter in the history of the sport. so they just touched faces. He knocked him the fuck out. away with that with like a lesser guy or a guy who was like easily befuddled but one of the things He can cover distance deceptively fast. before you eventually stopped him. the human being is, if their skill

44:42 the best people in the world. That was like Time just stopped. Do you know what kind of hype? And who knows what's happened in training? 38. He's 42. Let me tell you something, man. taunting thing I mean when he knocks a guy out because of it it's awesome and And that's why the whole crowd was booing Anderson. Meanwhile, what happened to him, man? People don't give a fuck.

48:13 Have you seen I saw it with a thousand situations I would never boo him. Pay fucking attention. Like when Anderson fought Forrest Griffin. That was a great fight. He couldn't, for whatever reason, his MMA game is nothing like his jiu-jitsu game. That was insane. And he went for him, or he faked, and he came up with an uppercut. That's 155, brother?

50:23 Let's do it. It was very quick. ridiculously accurate shots while, you know, He took him down, man. But Kennedy's got a good enough jiu-jitsu that he could hang he can defend himself your right eye. I mean, that's the reality of getting punched in the face. It's I don't They take a guy like that and they don't like move him along slow. He's going to fight high

53:24 He's going to pot shot you, and he's going to crack you, and you're not going to be have to get him because he's going to light you up. He's going to hit you with, he's going to pot shot you Striking game is a different game. Real quick. That's the guy that picked it up. Yeah. Well, I think we're dealing with and Sosa know something I don't know. Yeah.

54:20 It was insane. You know, you can't avoid that. and all of a sudden this team that nobody got a reputation to fast break. And all of a sudden, this team that nobody's talking about, they fast break too. The rematch with Weidman and Anderson Silva will be the greatest rematch You can't. Yep. That's two monsters. You very rarely see Bernard Hopkins get clipped.

56:47 You know, Bernard Hopkins, like, he kept his skills past any of the fighters of his prime. In my opinion, he was the scariest boxer that you would ever have to compete against. He did it with just like speed and ridiculous combinations He had like a different style, and his style was based on his ability He's been knocked out a few times now. would be kind of interesting. Especially if you give a guy like Roy Jones Jr. little tiny gloves.

59:38 That's a big difference, man. He's in his 30s, right? Pacquiao! No, he's not. No, he's not. But Barney Macchio's 34. That's a career changer. but it was a tough fight. I mean, there was also, like, rampant speculation of performance-enhancing substances. see them when they look absolutely sensational and then you see them when I mean, I don't think he would lie about that. That's part of like his whole honor with the whole fight game.

1:03:06 It's all speculation. Which is part of the weird argument. And his athleticism Well most of the guys I think use the cream That's going to be the next one. Do your mouthwash, and then give yourself a shot of testosterone, But what if you cleaned up, and you accidentally cleaned up your test cream because you thought it was just jizz? you have sex with a girl and she has a yeast infection a lot of times you gave

1:05:48 to work in the city i go to fort lee amp right there by the george washington bridge and they I got like 60, 70 bucks in those days. Isn't it amazing how much people identify with their genitals? don't like when you talk about it even on stage. like what people talk about. Oh, yes, it will. I got like $32. And I had that You know Bruce Lee And I could smell my hand

1:08:27 You can't get it off. It smells like fish. And pull my underwear out I'd just shoot a load What do I give a fuck This is my little tropical helmet juice. What happened? I knew a girl when I was young that had a problem. Did you keep eating it? Oh, no. There was none of that. you know, and it was, it was unfortunate, you know, It was just like always this thing

1:10:38 You know her ass Bigger girls have a worse smell? She was one of those chicks, and she was Italian, so it smelled like fucking, it was tremendous. I got the calamari salad. Where is that? Is it? I've been. Yeah. I got the meatball sandwich. I got the calamari salad. Domingo's. Fucking people are like, bro, that's where they invented sushi and shit.

1:11:54 A year ago. Yeah, chalupas and galupas. Don't put anything online. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, have you had Domino's? Olive Garden's food is frozen. Is it? We can get in trouble. like it's so awesome. You can't be defaming a fine American institution. That Cuban joint that we go to. They smother it with onions. I know exactly where it is. And they bring him over spaghetti with gravy and meatballs.

1:14:45 You look at that meatball, and you're like, oh, my God. What do they put in that? Yeah. Meat. Nothing healthy. No. Like, now. They put brussel. Meat. Brussel. Sausage. Yeah. Don't worry. Sunday sauce. Yeah. There's nothing healthy in there. Yeah. They you think about what red lead is. They put the beef, the fucking- Sunday sauce. How many protein grams do you- your body assimilates, what, 30 grams?

1:15:44 Like, your body crashes, dog. The pork's the flavor. Oh, my goodness. We got some wine. That's amazing. I think I'm going to do my next special at a comedy club. Yeah, yeah, I like those small things, too. Do Boulder while school's in session? That's the greatest town What were the fish you were catching? What's really badass about Alaska is the people, though.

1:18:21 Like they were talking, one of the dudes that was working there was talking about Jewel. liberace movie no on hbo i heard you were doing a bit about it on stage. I didn't hear it. I loved it. He had a lawyer. That's hilarious. Listen to me. You know, listen, man. Back in the day, they used to make noodles out in the open so everyone could see it and stuff.

1:20:39 And when did it come out? And then he had a bunch of guys, and now he would just latch on to young guys and touch their leg. He sucked that, he was sucking dick without his wig on. I'm watching that. And she had Don Henley in the book and Charlie Sheen. He would make five hookers come over, put them in downward. That was before Viagra, too. Wow, this sounds like the best movie ever.

1:22:55 Don't quote me. What is it? Is there a brand? There's a brand of Popper? Yeah. I don't know. I've never taken it. I don't. But what's, there's a brand. Locker Room? What is it? Brian's got one was making six graders Had a He donated it to the club you can still see like eight ropes. and they left 1,000 poppers. That's what it was called? That was the most controversial podcast we ever did.

1:24:58 He might be completely full of shit. The problem is I'm an idiot, okay? And that's why these guys are all getting sick. So he's saying that people are getting HIV Rush, rush. Oh my God, wholesale gay poppers. Don't promote these because these are probably killing people. Sir, it was just a joke. I'm a comedian. By even debating them, especially if a legit

1:27:22 Okay. Why are you even trying to doubt that aspect of history? and the Holocaust. And it seems so long ago. I don't remember a lot of things. kill them all. How many people did He could have totally just been a famous artist. I'll bet the house that I'm going to win. That is kind of amazing. I do not know I think It just opened up, and KFC is going to sue him because it was an old KFC,

1:30:45 That's so crazy. nobody would fuck with you. Oh, that's true. You could have, how about Caesar? You ever think of that? a few. What's up with that? Is that the Hitler chicken? Joey's still fascinated. That's why they sell them on the black market. The effects are a sudden surge of blood One of the Fs. It says that it's time slowing down. They ain't giving this motherfucker money, though.

1:33:47 From just shooting himself in the ass? Well, any guy who's, like, doing that much to his face, like, the craziness that he was doing, Drunk hipster Michael Jackson. Yeah, because for every human being, you know, these are strange times. It looks just like skin. It's hard to tell if that is. Is it a bandage? It looks just like skin. I mean, he was huge way, way, way, way, way, way back before anybody knew how to handle it.

1:36:20 He works out. I see it fucking too. R8s, R10s, whatever it is, He's buying somebody's car and a paparazzi Did you ever see that thing? Yeah, yeah, I met him at UFC If you had become Justin Bieber What are you going to do? Like, dog, how much for you? that a person ever does attain that type Younger? 15? I was like on like some website plus I think he's like

1:39:34 No, you know who is, too? I don't know why Ustream keeps sucking it lately. But is it come... Don't pay attention to us. bitch off and I'm going this weekend, a couple Saturday, ready to rock. Okay, like we were talking about, like great clubs? Yep. You don't go to fucking Helium. Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, ready to rock. Yeah, yeah. Really? Is that not Paris?

1:41:32 To live your life I'm sending back an email That's not how Joey Diaz is. This motherfucker won't kick until later on. Yeah, I saw that. You work with Dom, you're like, that motherfucker does it all. that Dom has been in it. He's fucking hilarious, man. And then on the way up, I had to follow Paul Rodriguez at the Laugh Factory. What? And because he's got to make all these people laugh, like the pressure of that will lead him, because he's a great writer, leads him to the best lines all the time.

1:44:28 and they're still clutching their purse. He would have an idea and he would just flush it out while he was up there. You know that fake laugh? Eddie Griffin came on. and how it's changed Do you know what I'm saying? you know what it's like to have two other sets he would walk up to the checkup box. You don't go back to high school. It was an adventure.

1:46:46 People throwing paper towels in there on fire. That's how fucking crazy he is, okay? That's been going on for decades. Nazi! He's a Nazi on stage! I was sitting on the stairs. would insulate himself with plastic bags. He still does that, and he goes to the grocery store after every show every night. he pretends that Brian pretends that Don Barris is forcing him to suck his cock.

1:49:29 This is Robert from two nights ago. She shows it to Robert? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Is there like a community down there of girl stand-ups? There's not enough funny chicks in this world. What did he do? That bitch is hilarious. Yeah, if you look at it, though, you'll laugh your ass off. I've been there. I've been there. You still doing the improv? I'm like,

1:52:55 I was like, It feels like a hotel room or a hotel bar. So it's probably quieter for them that way. what kind of hamburger the weirdest thing this new mural It looks really like who... For no reason at all. So that's like only a partial of the mural. They would take down Here's a news story about it See, look at that mural. It's just a terrible piece of artwork.

1:55:45 Oh, look at that. There was somebody there that I forget who it was. Let's be nice. Yep. That's what I'm saying I saw Despicables. I watch cartoons now. It's true. I mean, obviously I went for my kids, but it's a legitimately good movie. And he went to see the Kevin Hart thing. He goes, at the end, he watched the credits, Yeah. You're absolutely right.

1:58:23 Yeah. I don't want to do theaters. Yeah. Cobb's is tremendous. Comedy Wars is a perfect place to take a picture. We want to go somewhere and light up a scene like Grand Funk Railroad. We'll help you party down. That's true. If I was Louis C.K., I'd fun, it's great, but they can see us any time. That's true. When I've got to rant and shit in a big theater, I lose it.

2:00:26 If you're living like a normal person, you can do clubs. I couldn't hear. It gets really confusing. Magical. It used to be an old library. Portland? What does Portland have? In Boston, yeah. I'll see you Friday. Joe Diaz, who's featuring this week? So as soon as the Jaguar pulled up, One night, this is hysterical. He doesn't travel as much. And he's like, me?

2:03:47 It's done. So I can't work. He called up. It was either Schimmel or it was Bobby Slayton, one of those guys. Paula Live in Bellevue. Like the guy made you with a fucking video projector Like, they're fucking crazy. They're trying to get the warrant resolved? It's an extradition warrant. They're crazy. Like, they're fucking crazy. Get me a fucking attorney, and let's just do this.

2:06:03 I'm going to send Ivan, the attorney of the money. Where am I in July? She is awesome, isn't she? That's a good little town. disrespected Seattle because of that? Why? It's Lord's country. Like, literally. I think the view, like, it's not just that the air is clean, which it is, Let's start a farm. Brian will force him to go. That's pussy shit. Snow want to go? I want to go. Callan wants to go. I don't want to go.

2:08:35 I want to shoot myself. I do another the next week. You know, Even if I just come in just to bring you up, I'd be happy to do it. Brazil? That's a Boston card. Sun. You did comedy in Anchorage? and that hopes you enjoyed it.oco Charlie's no I went to this it's not powder yeah that's right it's one of those places Eric, like the best pool Q's. or he lived there

2:11:20 I was thinking about Same thing happened to me. We did our show. The myth of 10 to 1 men, myth. I don't know. So we did two long days. And their strip club there is huge because women come from all over. And then there's also people that come up for, like, the various hunting seasons, We saw five moose. And there's just something about the place. It just makes you,

2:13:25 mountains and trees and mountains and trees and mountains and trees and then okay we're starting But Anchorage has got like 300,000 people. That's one of the things that I thought of immediately Why not? Fucking living in Seattle from September to fucking December. Yeah. in November. And it gets a little sunny for and it's great to do comedy there. It wasn't

2:15:42 where you go, put the protractor to I love it, but it's a tough live. That might be the move. was fucking gorgeous. I love it. an End of the World somewhere. No, here. No, no, no. So what's the difference? It's not the end of the world, though. Let's do that. I enjoy going in everybody works there. could have been better, they weren't stoners. The goomy bears.

2:18:25 And I would love to go to Seattle on a regular basis. The judge threw me out of the fucking state for two years. What are you doing next weekend, Joe? I'm trying to finish up this TV show, too. Like I said, Duncan to interview some scientists, No, Ari's very intelligent, man. not to, not to concentrate on, on technology and not to be persuaded by technology, but the beauty of a rose cannot be defined

2:20:50 No matter what you do, you got crazy beads around your neck Joey Diaz, I lost you. and a couple of special guests that I can't say. Yeah, and if you want to see me with Joey Diaz And then Milwaukee You and me next to a picture of Duncan next to a picture of everybody who's in there. She's awesome. And what was the other one? LegalZoom is... Listen, that's not true.

2:24:09 Save 10% off any and all supplements How many days a week are you doing that now? Monday, 6 a.m. Thanks, everybody who came out to Vegas.