Joe Rogan Experience #38 — Bryan Callen Transcript

Transcript

0:00 on a road and that road may or may not lead you in a good direction but you're gonna stay on that The problem is no one knows. it, because everybody's got this freedom of religion, freedom of religion, religious freedom, But there comes a certain point in time where you have to pop the turning wheels off. You're going to be problems everywhere you go.

2:24 You know, that's dumb. We need to figure out like now today, what, what is, you know, the best way to live your by and to be the the the most evolved version of you that you can be i mean it's not like a magical Vegetables, a lot of good quality protein, a lot of water. have people walk over, just get through this life as nice as you can, what else, do what

4:42 You know, when they were kids, someone told them they couldn't do it or told them to take the shortcut It's cool that someone did that. There's no reason for that. Perhaps we're being attacked by hackers. Go see if that shit is on. Do you see it? Yeah, I just turned off your... No, you didn't. See that big circular thing, Brian? Do you see it? No. God.

6:37 What the fuck? I actually have one for you. Here, see? It's worth more if you don't take off the plastic, though. with comic books cars it's such a weird thing dude cars go for a fuck load of money like old It's a fetish. I used to read them, but I never collected them. They're worth way more than they pay you for. Because he was a real person. And then he killed himself at 30, man.

9:25 He's actually a great writer. The books would start with this epic battle. The heartbreak is I didn't grow up to look like him. Is to realize I'm never going to be a superhero, man. like peter jackson to do it or something get him to really invest in conan what was done like based like like like the hobbit you know like peter jackson to do it or Just fucking couldn't take it.

11:02 Did Conan fuck Red Sonja? Immediately. You knew no matter what. Just settle down, son. Conan got world. He was like the baddest motherfucker ever. That was the best thing about the Conan series. You knew no matter what, I didn't hate it. which was this guy Yeah, because he was a restless guy. Woo, son! It's almost like just energy. Yeah, he used to call it cutting a path of crimson cutting a crimson path yeah he used morning stars and yeah he had

13:11 I had a little magic show in Fisherman's Wharf and do some light dancing. I'll put a hat on. And so that's how I first started performing. Older kids bullied me and I got scared. Is this a date with a guy who believes in crystals? What would it be? I want to say flying, Is there really that many places to really be? Yeah. It's like you try to tell people.

15:32 Yeah, but what if you could change the future as a result? It's on paper. know when when washington or any government agency wants to legislate good health whether it's making Why? Is it because it takes effort? Yeah, you create all sorts of bad habits so you don't have to deal with your own bullshit. That I know that I got there because I grew up in a very fucked up, turmoil-filled life, and I figured out a way to navigate it to become a happy person.

17:40 Because I remember we'd be hanging out, And you'd go, bullshit! And I am not that way with reasonable, rational people. And I'd be like, fucking half homeless criminal around people. She's meth out of her Meanwhile, she ruined I'll take the girl with the bat tattooed on her face and the track marks, please. three, four seconds. Let's go. Let's get out of here.

19:55 Everybody else can see that this bitch is crazy. I'm working with her. You're a healer, Brian. No, don't blame yourself. You were trying to literally guide them. Yeah. that the girls I was dating in LA, They were not people. It's all about hacking them, though. she's very nice. But Brian has, like, How about my girl, Diana? she thought that Shakespeare

22:45 Well, yeah. You just get older, though, and you start learning. Wow. Well, you know what? There's nothing wrong with not knowing something. Well, yeah. where you just kind of were left alone to figure out life by yourself. Sometimes I think that's I didn't live anywhere for more than – for the first 30 years of my life, actually 33 years of my life, I didn't live in one place for more than a year and a half.

24:00 well, that's my idea of what an Arab is, that's my idea of what a Jew is, I was 15. He never even gave me a comment. I was a chameleon. We moved I won the Bay State Games Taekwondo tournament. And I heard my accent. Six years by then. We're social animals though too, you know. Well, there's some Boston for sure. That's a long time. There was no less than 11 bench-clearing brawls in the fucking stands.

26:42 Yeah, that's true. with other Boston guys like Bill Burr and Dane Cook. there's no rational thinking involved. Fuck you, queer! They'll fucking throw glasses at you. They, come on, guys. I like New York. You like Boston. What's the big deal? Fuck you, queer! by with a New York license plate in your car. You show up in a pair of leather pants. saleswoman told me that I looked like

28:27 This is how badly I've always wanted to be built like a guy like that. She goes, these leather pants. leather, thick leather pants. I could have run through a thorn briar and been fine really yeah That's my joke. Puppy. I hope they catch that bitch, and I hope they fucking happy face her. Says what? people just find them online. One thing though So what, you think it's illegal?

32:06 Have you ever done that? And I did a theater there. Yeah, you get a really cool, eclectic, but pretty educated audience. she she was married and found her husband was having an affair and the reason she found out create a fucking profile with his real name yeah with his real name and picture hey he put his And what it does is it takes Google street view maps, and it mixes it with, like, videos of people running down streets.

34:21 It's the wilderness downtown. It's called the singularity. A neural global hub. a bunch of times about some crazy shit Then you're in this weird situation like, I find tiring about living in Los Angeles. They're clearly defined, right? is going to behave, is already fake. Right. a problem it's like there's only a certain amount of hard drive from Eleanor Roosevelt.

37:17 for people, you're not supposed to those magazines are so popular. to be in a movie and stuff like that stories too though everyone's always done that back in the day i have a theory about all this stuff, this stuff with gossiping and shit. there's something wrong. really simple sometimes in its traditional form He goes, most people aren't open-minded.

40:02 It's in your genes. Ricky, like, hunts like crazy. usually there's like some sort of a natural reward system going on. a little blast of something. I think we're getting away from all that stuff, You know? You've got to all keep an eye out for mountain lions and crazy shit. So you make babies. Even though we do have dicks to kill shit. We are designed

42:24 All of a sudden, you're taking in all this animal protein like you're killing things. I so believe that the first thing for anybody to do, in my opinion, is get in your body. If I have anything that's fucking with me, I go out and I hit the punching bag. One in four people get cancer eventually, whether it's in their 80s or 90s, whatever. moves lymphatic fluid

43:40 but they're talking You know, an interesting statistic. from sports do die earlier. No, it's from eating too much protein and no fiber. And to think that he was actually sick the whole time. I don't think he wants to take that toll on his body, but he's a bit over 265. He's got power that there's not a single man on the planet I mean, everybody's like, Brock can't take a shot,

46:10 He dropped Heath Herring with a right hand. inside and you could see frank mirror's face like a couple of times before he dropped him he hit him hand loose and he's like, oh fuck, here it comes. I think it was a situation with the Brock Lesnar fight. round he was done. How tall is he? He shakes your hand. Oh, he's got brilliant timing. I'm just talking about fat.

48:49 I enjoy the fact that he fights at heavyweight, that he's only 230 pounds. Because I'll tell you what, a guy like Patrick Cote, 185-pounder, who can really punch, There might be a benefit in being lighter. maybe 220 or something like that. Not too big, Yeah. No, no, no, no. He can take down anybody, man. You know, Anderson Silva, that's a master right there, man.

51:08 Either that. an Anderson-Chail Sonnen rematch. I want to see it again. until getting caught in his triangle. with a thumbs up and no shirt on, I watched that. Dude, gotta just keep reinventing keep inventing man keep inventing you yeah you get too attached it's been very satisfying Sometimes I like this and I was like, Whatever. And these guys were all just jacked.

54:06 Brian is a very, he's got a very the video's called on YouTube? I don't know what it's called. We were just hanging out in this hotel room. We couldn't breathe. We were so high. I know I was getting high when 9-11 happened. And everybody around me seemed to know. so easily you can walk in with the wrong hat and get in a fight whereas it whereas in the pacific

56:34 What? just breeds and runs rampant and fucking right feeds yeah well because Maybe you don't have – like I think a lot of times when you come from Boston or New York, Right. What's really fascinating is when people start fucking other dudes' wives. that are having intramarital dalliances with next-door neighbor's wives. you did right yeah and you're fucking his wife?

59:10 There's a lot of people wanting to distract themselves I don't have time to fuck So I'm in Burbank, Fuddruckers, and I'm eating. i know he runs out i'm like what the fuck just happened new monster it's called it's called prey. Do you think that you would have done that You don't think an Indian guy could beat your ass? that that's a hack accent those are hacky.

1:01:40 for any culture but i mean that that's i think think Hindi is, you hold your tongue in a certain way. That's right. No. punk rocker type chef and he you know did a lot of drugs and wrote books about the the crazy world all over the world. Buttholes. oh. It's becoming super popular. well, I think in 75, Customer service. while you talk about India. No, no, no. That's disrespectful.

1:04:10 Brian, play that fucking crazy Glenn Beck thing. superpowers and they have even more dummies that are into what they're saying. They're saying it's only 100,000. White people are going crazy. Listen. For too long. There's nothing scarier than dumb This guy is starting to learn how much power he has. Well, it's fear-based, not thought-based, right? Oh, okay.

1:07:17 This is like And behind me, the towering presence of the great emancipator there's a billion white She's not a good speaker either. I never even see a platform. out of me. History's littered with we need someone who's smarter and wiser, ridiculous rah-rah-rah America They grew up around dumb people. I think it was on NPR somewhere, based on our experiences,

1:10:30 Take a look, a critical and honest look at yourself all the time. You can make mistakes because of insecurities. you know when you're you're living like a wild person you know basically a comic does whatever You can make mistakes. It's like jiu-jitsu. It just gets bigger and bigger and crazier and crazier. Don't worry about it. God damn. It's being able to catch the wave and the right

1:12:59 and a guy who That's what they do. Well, they're at Hamilton. Dude, the waves, when they surf giants, they move at 35 miles an hour, so you have to be And you get sent 100 yards into the ocean. No, they didn't. Riding giants and stepping. You're not allowed to wear a life vest. Those are the guys on the jet skis, not the guys surfing. Yeah, a lot of dudes get paralyzed, man.

1:14:58 Oh, my God. Until you go into the water just to swim, all this is very abstract. Oh, my God. It's like if you surf like a cord in a helicopter? If you tried to be like just a helicopter or a thing to hold you there and you got caught in that wave, first of all, it would break the cord. Yeah, you're in a washing machine. Dead forever. They breed up there.

1:16:53 brought a bunch of the best surfers out there. One guy died. been terrified of. Golf And I never got to like professional level, It's like, it's a difficult thing to do. to solve problems and use patience They knock a ball. Yeah, see? First of all, the setting. after you had a big fat steak if you want to stink up I can say everything I want. because you're not allowed to swear on the baby right you know you don't get much chance to

1:19:50 a yeast infection and her feet smelled Did he? It was an open grave. I took a shit in the toilet. and just kind of spit it on her pussy. It just probably smelled like shit with Listerine. What does it do to your dick? It's amazing. And, nah, I don't think it's – and who knows what they're like in combination. Girls die if they are smoking cigarettes

1:22:39 What is the umbrella of chemicals? If I eat, You were talking about going... Yeah, yeah. When I work out, if I do kettlebells or if I do jiu-jitsu, I think meat's bad for you if you don't also eat vegetables and things like that, maybe. and he just took a look at these six different blue zones. but the other thing is a lot of them eat fermented things

1:25:07 The major thing that he found had nothing to do with religion. Outliers, where he looks at this place called Rosetto, which was this village in Italy called practicing on Rosetta for a long time and he went, that's weird because heart disease right now He said, what is it? they started trying to talk about health is connection. because they're so happy

1:27:22 A lot of Asian. A lot of vegetables. It's in Santa Monica or West LA? Yeah. It's expensive. He's fanatical. Yeah, he's a bad motherfucker. It's on Purdue and Santa Monica Boulevard. And he was in New York City. these super expensive restaurants. People are like, Yeah. julio cesar chavez my number one favorite boxer of all time mexican yeah yeah did you ever see

1:30:25 Although, I did not like his book, man. And the vampire flew in from another country and killed everyone on the plane it's like, I would love it if they rewrote. The first came out, yeah. And this was like pre-Fear Factor. And we're like, fuck it. Yeah, let's go. So me and Chris McGuire go across the street with these two dudes sensing bullshit. I'm sensing acting. I go, this this is not real they're not trying to say this is real

1:32:35 as I was, oh, it was Jessica. I went like, shh. oh, what are we going to deal with here? you never know when you run into someone who's completely out of the fucking calm down right but this motherfucker very rational guy this motherfucker yelled at me man it was like I was on Vermont. And he empties a clip, a Glock, into this other car, And he just casually

1:35:11 And he grabs a thing and then the traffic And I turn. He's not here. And they got away. Really? computer and go all right white mazda you know these are all the white mazdas matched with five Still. Yeah. There are drugs that are better than that, though. feel depressed or something ever since i saw that shooting and my buddy goes yeah you're supposed to

1:37:35 By the way, I only took ecstasy once. I couldn't read. I literally couldn't read. feel good physically. You feel like you've things in their life, in their past, dealing with literally rewires your entire brain it's supposed to be like one of the most intensely introspective is and how your mind works. It's hugely successful cool and kind. He had an air of relief

1:40:13 I Have a Dream speech. You know that humanitarian bunch. Yeah, you want to go down there and see God? Mex know they behead people. You know those guys. Go ahead. Go down there and see God. You know that humanitarian bunch. The mythology was all wrapped up in the buffalo and the animals around them. everything that you consciousness to find that nostalgia for something that's beyond themselves.

1:41:39 Yeah. Human beings have always... That's no bullshit, man. heads they made these incredible fucking geometric patterns for structures yet they didn't even Terrence McKenna described it. different dudes, little different You know, they're weird. It'd be really difficult. How did Greece become this sort of hub of civilization? to just sit back and kind of hang out.

1:45:10 I'm sure geniuses are born all the time, but they're just not in circumstances where they can flourish or have opportunity. If it wasn't for Nikola Tesla, but I wonder if that's what it was, That document in the Federalist Papers, They solved politics. And they solved Government was a necessary evil. to gain profit from my own ingenuity and my own risk taking to worship or say what i want as long

1:47:52 whatever it might be they want to go back to a john wayne yeah so it doesn't surprise me that But it's unfortunate that it works, man. Take drugs. What's your thought on What are we going to do You're going to look like Conad. That's right. You're going to grow your hair long. I'm going to be looking like, I'll tell you who's going to be taking him. This guy. You're going to look

1:49:10 No, they're going to This shit's useless. possible? I'm what matters. You'll be able to experience what somebody else's brain through a net. You'll have other experiences. Why wouldn't you be able to? You'll be able to experience Isn't that crazy? Yeah, it's why people some things like Yeah. A lot of cords around here. This is very unprofessional, ladies and gentlemen.

1:50:53 No, no song. I have no idea why. Russell Peters, I bet he's got a good jab. of badass wrestlers. Right. Or maybe I'm just so used to that video, that little superstar. Yeah. About 15 billion? Well, Indian people are pretty peaceful Yeah, he's trying to tell me that Indians aren't scary Look at that little They give the kids cigarettes. So it's chimps.

1:53:34 Yeah, I watched the show on him. That's another dude. When we were kids growing up, Like, when I was a kid, there was no Kardashians. There's no paris hilton there was no ridiculous people who were famous for doing And I'm sitting in my car shaking my head. She didn't even know when she threw it out the window. Sure am. Lindsay Lohan in a heartbeat.

1:56:09 Like this kid really did grow up in front of the camera. Like, I mean. I mean, it's very impressive. people treat you different i'm saying as a person communicate with you yeah but you're your model how goddamn infuriating it is that all these people of a three-year bizarre trip through ego. How many dudes have you seen and he kept coming out and the line was, what? You better enunciate. I can't hear you too clearly. That cop and he had the guy in the chair and the guy goes he ended line was what

1:58:31 Nice guy. said about me on stern like about a year ago my father called me up or two years ago the best guy Crazy great. that you know that he would that he could get to that place where he could do something i think you're, it was his assistant at the time and he wanted other people to talk to him, but nobody knew what to say. My friend Johnny, about the dude

2:00:56 problem he had a real problem for a long time he would go one to the other and yeah there's some He just, all he would do is sleep. He'd be like, yo, I'm just not feeling that good. I don't know what's up. you know and he didn't want to talk about it he'd be like yo i'm just not feeling that good i don't know what's up you know he would like lie really good pool player. And we used to

2:02:26 between two dudes who were really nervous trying to win money. Let's do this. looked like gray and she'd sleep for four days I think that's a lot of things nine days, something like that. I slowly started coming out of it We went out. Like 396 minus 7 divided by 4, 262. table and he could like see the geometry he could see all the angles he didn't have to break it down

2:04:36 He could play a bunch of different instruments. Like my friend Joey Diaz. He's inspiring. He's funny. The party just got started. Joey's here. She was a waitress at the comedy store. If he wants to go on the road, people want to see him. He'd be fucking incredible. Or a drama, even. Yeah, you know, there's a lot of characters like that that you run into in life.

2:06:29 You know, you see people he had an imbalance. about that Robert E. Howard guy. drunk so fucked up yeah and and he said you know um then his wife came in and she started putting Literally, she was going, He, in his book on writing, said no. You can't say that you would have come up with that on your own. Well, caffeine for sure for me has a good effect.

2:09:06 First of all, because you wrote all this stuff when he was fucked up. The alcohol changes the way you think. Nick Kent said that a lot of these guys got into drugs because a lot of their heroes were drug addicts, like the Blues Art guys. But heroin. Because I think you get into that more than you get into anything else. and how different we are genetically,

2:11:04 do that it makes you more sensitive the rewards for massages and stuff like i never have a guy though because you have to get a dude to do it first of all they're sports dudes the last guy I went to this mother is just Lasers for that. And I'm like, oh, good. I was like this guy. Yes, I was judo. nothing he was like yeah i had a i got this uh deep tissue massage from this guy who's an expert

2:14:16 gonna do this with his elbow this is where he's really gonna jack me so as he's got me in this Maybe I would have got in there. Listen, no, no, no, no, no. and busted open like that, it's not going to heal right. You have to get in there physically. They dig in. of you with your elbow with his elbow rather and just drive it into your spine like right where

2:16:13 I've been doing this. It makes ligaments like 40% stronger. I broke my wrist a long time ago. Well, you'd play it for 15 hours like you do. My lower back has always been, You got to see my garage, man. Two hours and 20 minutes. Were you on a date with a Brazilian jiu-jitsu instructor? And you know what I did? So I go, hey! I got a parasite. But after you shat, before you pulled your pants up, you just pulled your pants up.

2:19:09 and i go and you hear You smell like shit. An eagle. I'm afraid you didn't have back track. How many people could get in there? We're sitting in the car, and I have to drive from Topanga Canyon all the way up to Gower in Los Feliz. She was like, fuck that. Explosive. Fuck it. I'm not a pussy. Fleshlight. The UFC there was a lot of fun too. it's September 23rd

2:22:13 October 7th to the 11th b-r-y-a-n-c-a-l-l-e-n He's into yes. Tomorrow, we will have another podcast. Whatever, tuning in? Bye.