Joe Rogan Experience #382 — Greg Fitzsimmons Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! Oh man, that goes down smooth. It's a Dave Asprey creation. He invented creating coffee Is that how they do medicinal marijuana stuff is in the butter the new wheat, man. Yeah. This guy, Sanjay Gupta, he went and over the last year he was working on a documentary called Weed. smaller labs in other countries doing some remarkable research, and I was too dismissive of the loud chorus of legitimate patients

2:42 as a Schedule I substance because of sound scientific proof. It almost seems like some sort of a shift in policy. Is this going to piss off Ted Turner? not putting this on the air well especially because nancy reagan had just declared the war Kitty Dukakis was running for president and let them take pictures of him. And he was one of those guys. and shit. What does he do now? I haven't heard anything

5:37 I mean, that you see a woman just completely lose it and start drinking rubbing alcohol. Just wrap your head around the pressure of making all the decisions, How about this statistic? The two best ones ever assassinated. Yeah, yeah. It's interesting how Reagan, like, But this motherfucker, Kissinger ordered illegal bombings in Cambodia. It's not okay.

8:14 Which was great. We were about the same age. You know. Did you remember when you were really young, going to dance clubs and trying to meet girls? I only went a couple times to those places with my got my dog in the porch but this was another thing so we're in the south like And then there's fucking everybody that lives in that area. in this bizarre thing

11:01 and they want to go around all year. Like, if you're dressing up like a cowboy, if you're a dude and you got the balls to rock cowboy boots and a Stetson. I wear fucking... Junior varsity coach. Queen Elizabeth every day. with that shit, but I don't... Why not? Can you imagine if dudes just started wearing whistles? Yeah, it could be like a mating thing.

13:15 Lure people in with a dance of noise. You guys are fucking 12 years old. Isn't it funny that making cool sounds with your mouth is a valued thing? What's one of those things called? But, like, Peter Frampton, Do you feel? this morning with a wine glass in my hand. Do you, do. I want you to want me live at Budokan. Right. of the first guys that said fuck it let's do a live one Kiss Alive because they knew how to rock

16:57 It was a completely different world back then. but he said it was a mixture of a few different bands, Freebird Live. Every note is perfect. Most underrated band by mainstream rock fans. You're like, oh, get this off the air. Telling your son how to grow up. I gotta go. was like, trying to get them The problem is they died young, okay? Their fans are a buzzkill.

19:52 I guess they were just enjoying that community. They would have signs up, I need a miracle. You know what I get? these four fucking hour shows but a Grateful Dead concert. that for four hours so is that what it's all about yeah it's this letting go into this energy You ever go to a concert... It's always bad. And she was just like, just enthralled by him.

22:03 Like she drags you there and just stares at him. He's so sensitive. She's all the way to her elbow. You thought it was bad. Oh, you make me eat my shit. Yeah. Read that, though, online. We were just making that joke before, remember? Yes. Oh, wow. 11 to 13, Because otherwise it's a nightmare. They're like 13, but they... were hanging out with these kids and they were like

26:09 He's always that fucking positive guy. Six, yeah. I think he was, like, six or seven or something like that. I think he got nominated for an Oscar. Dude, he fucking. Yeah. He was in like that movie, The Champ. I think he was like six or seven or something like that. I've never known a time where I wasn't famous, A reporter. And it's all you know. Maybe. But there's some that seem to have gotten through it. Like,

27:54 No. The way they'll make jokes. And she goes, hey, you know, look, the bottom line is women are fucking crazy. Right. It's crazy. They have Wow. They're just like, why would two, like Jeremy's parents, you know, Evan's mothers, like it's Do these people enjoy it? And it's also tricky because it's one of those clear pattern decision things. very different things as it becomes larger and older so then it starts to be

31:42 It's against the Bible. If you're a Christian especially, there's a lot of people that believe this is a terrible, terrible thing. So terrible or I would arrange to have them killed. I had a discussion with this guy like immediately and i was like okay i'm not i'm not right wing at all but you're saying you're aren't we good yeah the discussion seems to me off it's off point because it it really is like very logically it is the second it becomes two cells

34:49 how many women are pro-choice? You should see like those silhouettes of the family members on the back of your minivan the same way that I would own masturbation abortion. and you're not going to be the person who gives birth. I know, I have to be gentle. Why didn't you just call me? Well, ever since I've been suicidal. Right. Tom Clancy the suicide vest scene

37:42 I'll just say Well, he's that too. You killed my father. It's a work of art. and get crazy. going on with him Yeah, it's so hard to here once well i i felt 24 was like that 24 you had to suspend your disbelief a little bit more it's fun to watch I didn't see that one. He's like this, he's like the greatest Olympic athlete the world has ever known. He does whatever.

40:38 They kicked it up a couple of times. He literally can jump off buildings and land on people's heads, catch himself in buildings I'm always keeping track of how injured. Yeah, they heal well in those shows Yeah. Elysium, yeah. some of these guys get paid don't care who the director is, really good about the movie. Now I got to go to his IMDB, which I never like to do.

42:49 That's a Hollywood douche thing. It's all factored in. you'd just get caught up in it and lose your fucking marbles what's so crazy is like with will jump when you write tweets Yeah. Like, someone will send me some crazy story about some new scientific discovery, and then I'll immediately retweet a lot of shit and I retweet things that people send me that are interesting. Like someone will send me some crazy story about some new scientific discovery and then I'll immediately retweet that.

45:17 Well, writers on TV are getting jobs from Twitter feeds You know, a guy will have 200,000 followers, One of those shows. really fucking hard We can get immediate feedback. Yeah. Right. people love that feeling. Montreal Comedy Festival I saw there's all these dudes that I'd heard about and But it was a long time ago. You mean the photo, the drawing, or your actual cat?

48:34 I never did that. And this time it was like Danes fans and they were young and fucking excited. that's from a different era. had a much younger crowd than the other ones So I never got to work it. So I but from what I would think now is that you see all these clips from the thing and then it's on the Internet and then stand up comedy becomes like more and more popular, which I think stand up comedy is probably at at one of its more popular times. If you stop and think about like how many really good comedians there are right now, it's unbelievable. That's what blew me away in Montreal.

50:49 San Francisco has a sketch fest. Right. and they'd go see my show maybe and then they'd see posain show after that it was part of the And the crowds are, I mean, you work Austin. Yeah, but this one is, this is a rejuvenative week. Yeah, that's what Montreal always felt like. Or gay comedian who's drunk and ruthlessly aggressively pursuing you. too. I'll be at the improv at one in the morning

53:15 not nervous but jazzed up. And he's the host of it. That one was awesome. You don't get enough of He really does not care what people think about him. He's happy with who he is. he was a little out of control, slightly. It's easy to start drinking a lot. Right. But you know what? So I'm all alone. Unless everyone drinks the Kool-Aid, it's not fun. all in the level of idiot. Right. And with a certain level of idiot, when they get drunk,

57:14 You're dragging me into the fucking mud. Some people are fun to talk to Yeah, you can catch a wave. Yeah. Most of my friends— My father died at 53. I think what happened with the Native Americans is they weren't drinking as much alcohol, The shots in general are not a good idea. So it was like, we'll pay you in whiskey and then sign this fucking treaty.

59:45 Was that a good deal? Go ahead and take that spot. Somebody told me there's like a hundred countries closer to Hawaii than the United States. But Hawaiians, come on. Yeah, and they do that hula dance. My wife took me to luau when we were in Hawaii, You know me. Wow. What is that genetically? They're creepy. Yes, right? From jamming their feet into shoes that just smush them.

1:02:41 So either you can get it naturally, or you can get it from shoes? Yeah. I always see people like that and I'm like, why are you wearing flip-flops your toe is all fucked up put some shoes on i saw It was like she was throwing You've got to really take a good look at your feet. Asian, you get It's from running a napalm. That's a different thing. while others believe the problem stems from genetic factors

1:05:34 I'm wearing sneakers. That was ridiculous. Ew. Or like they walk in dirt and then the guys lick them. In case they want to snort some coke off the big toe. Look, there's images. stop talking and just put your feet in my mouth. Okay. Oh, I think it's been around for a long time. you were talking about having a foot fit, all the time. All the time. So you just store the memories.

1:08:26 will you store that and then jerk off to them later? and you really had a buildup? Oh. Wow. Right. Well, and when guys like that, like marry a porn star, but she still works, but now he fucks her in all of her porn he was bad news fascinating well and when guys like that Lupe girl managing her he told and I asked him I get jerked off I did it with my ex we both went to

1:10:34 And he wrote back, It was like six months ago. Could you imagine being a porn star on the internet and having everyone just be able to tweet you? wheel some girl being your feed complaining like it's it's hard to It's rare that I think a girl like, let's pick a name of a famous actress. I just read some whole article about this. They've probably extended the life of many people in this country.

1:13:08 But there's people that have been damaged by vaccines Sorry for butchering this, but my friend's dad got Lyme disease from the fucking vaccine. and sometimes they're just chasing it, and they can't get it, I think they had never had it before or was undiagnosed before doctors dismiss it right Lyme disease being one of them, but there may be a bunch of undiagnosed tagalongs.

1:15:24 Yes. Dogs too. Lyme disease and you're fucked. woman who was, you know, 50, obviously not having more kids, and the doctor didn't bring up that a hysterectomy would get rid of this disease. How does a hysterectomy get rid of the disease? in what I've said. Why not? August Send it to me. Tarrytown, New York I went to see Like, you're really loving it again.

1:18:59 I mean, he stopped entirely when he did The Simpsons. he was really respected when yeah you know had kids I've worked on TV shows every year right but I was splitting my time. Like for 12 years, I've worked on TV shows every year. Yeah, that's how it should be. Yeah. He wanted to go to like really shitty places. Well, you could mix it up. You open.

1:21:03 Nah. There's plenty of people in Austin, plenty of people in Dallas. and then you need an open mic night, and then boom, you've got a bunch of comics. club owner knows that I know this comic, he knows me. I love Molly. it's fucking hard. that takes you with them as a middle act or an opening act, so they had to call for a replacement. He's five minutes away.

1:24:05 He's terrible. if you don't have full control of the show. And it forces you to get out of your room It's very lonely. Yeah. Usually the plane ride for me is that. what order things should be in or what Yeah, it's so weird. and what thoughts you were having at that moment. mindset when you're locked in in the You're locked into it. And then you listen to it.

1:28:20 Yeah. It's almost like it's a very fine line you walk. that's a 9.8 and you want to go out and punch them in the face The ideas become very emotionally invested in the ideas, whether if it's abortion or That's an unfortunate aspect to people when it comes to certain ideas. I tell dick jokes in front of drunks. Yeah, and the problem is, I mean, in my world,

1:31:15 issue, that's about gun control, that And it's also I want to hear about it from a guy like you who I know is doing the work. You're talking about abortion. Propaganda. heads chopped off and we split their shit walks towards the stage screaming at me that I'm a socialist, So then they have to drag him out. They're just going out to a quote-unquote comedy show.

1:34:09 and you're giving them some really heavy What did they say? And now the Koch brothers just purchased like 11 Tribune newspapers, like big ones. getting upset, like a your bootstraps. Those guys almost never do You know why? You know? You can't like Oprah Winfrey. Because it's, why wouldn't you? Former talk show host tells Entertainment Tonight no, you don't want to see that one.

1:36:57 They fucked it up for their whole country. Wow. That is crazy. I was like, eh, racism. shit and someone wants to see it because they want to buy it where they're like, it's not even really for sale. She doesn't get shit like that that she can then go on TV and talk about. Yeah, she was very rude. and kiss their ass and become their best friend. It's not even in the house

1:39:48 Well, how can you be upset about someone who's a slave? You know, if any, It's not your vein. I like Oprah. You can do things. Bill Burr had a great joke about It was one of the first times I ever met him. I was on stage when it burned down. 125. What a great room. You were there actually when the fire broke out. Right. Oh, my God. Yeah. How many seats was that? 150? 125. 125.

1:41:37 Holy shit. And, you know, those San Francisco buildings are from like the 1820s. The earthquake and fire, wasn't there? live san francisco is a badass city though so i was there with al magical and we had just did She used to have this crazy hair. It's like, wow, this woman, she worked her way up. show kind of flatlined a little i mean i think it's a successful show but it didn't it didn't

1:44:16 Yeah. She's a tough boss. No, Rosie is, yes, I believe, a lesbian. Ed Asner's on board? and this happened. They talk about what? The way it melted? Joe Rogan, your take on Tower 7. and they all have this belief that that would have never too neat. Yeah, that's a Hearst publication, man. William Randolph Hearst. Raping white women because they got hooked on this marijuana.

1:46:51 It was all because of hemp. He had forests Well, 1970 was a sweeping psychedelic act that made everything illegal. those, heroin or cocaine. Nobody in the history of time has ever OD'd on marijuana. Exactly. You can get into that until the sun comes home. But psychological versus physiological. Millions. Yes. This was a big one. thousands of dollars

1:49:55 on his side too. I gots to wet my beak, or making some money. Nothing wrong with that. But, Greg, these people have taken an oath. That's the only way they do it. It's a stupid system, isn't it? that it's conservative versus liberal. Sounds horribly wrong. And at a certain point in time, people are going, oh, yeah. The biggest one would be people being able to vote on everything.

1:53:17 Everything other than that, less would slip through the cracks. will say that, oh, you can't fucking... Someone's going to hack Right. You know, I mean, there's the amount of transactions It's like, all right, we got to pick a fucking company to set up software to vote that is from Switzerland. Sort of like a kung fu master might pretend to be a drunk and stumble into a bar to get people to push him around so he can fuck people up.

1:55:53 Y'all give me a Toblerone bone and one of those purses. At a certain point Cedric, St. Louis black guy who fucking sings and dances. Well, Louis C.K. was on the show and I told him, If there's a vote, Hit the pavement. so on Monday, I'd just hang out in his office with him for like an hour and we would sit the shows were taped on Friday night so on Monday

1:57:34 would sit there and then he'd go the Amish and you'd hit this beat, this beat, this beat, this beat. We would, every guy's office was a different vibe. it looked like prostitutes Oh, fuck yeah. You just, oh, into a sink. I mean, I used to. No, no, I mean, like, close a door. Right. You just go into a sink. and I doubled over and then we're talking one day,

2:00:24 Right, on the toilet seat. Oh, yeah. That's right. Doesn't it seem like there should be a condom in a fleshlight that you can just remove like a liner? That was one of the things where more people told me not to do it What are you pretending you don't like something touching your penis? In the shower. You're always trying to be creative, try something new.

2:02:23 You know, my pillow. Have you tried that? but we never did anything Not once. Twice. It was like at the end of the day, you were beat. I'm one-time Charlie. And it was a beautiful Hyatt. So we go out to like a Red Robin restaurant after the show, and she's flirting with me. So I let her in the back door, and she comes up to my room. Ooh, she yelled at you. Not got pissed and yelled at me and left. She yelled at you?

2:05:04 It's funny that she got mad. I would get mad too if I was a girl. I've never been able to do that. It's funny that she got Everyone's getting laid after you go down on her. That's the benefit. Please tell me that's not the case. That would be awesome. And we were just, people fucking hated us. wanted to kill him. And I was like, He found the microphone.

2:07:23 I think something like that happened. No one should have ever like got a bunch of 20-year-old comedians and said, go do whatever You're like, oh, no. It's almost like you should be in a soundproof booth a fucking comedian right Hooters had a plane? But imagine getting a lap dance you know, Just like really slow music. He was working in a comedy club, and he saw the lap dance become a feature.

2:10:05 And the first day, this one girl made And the only girl... I mean, people Yeah, everywhere that doesn't serve alcohol. Who knows? I don't know if it's because I have a daughter, or it just... He's going to jerk you off. are more common, but blowjob Jesus Christ. You don't have to feel ashamed. Like nothing ever happened. Right, right, right. You don't want to masseuse remembering who you are? Well, you could sneak out that way. You don't have to feel ashamed.

2:12:17 Do those places offer the happy ending? What is Brian Redband talking about? Like just take it all off, throw all your towels on the floor, And does she say it'll cost you this much? If you just gave her 10, would she say something? They have the softest hands in the world. That's right. They're going to have a leathery old softball mitt. If someone's talking to you and their breath stinks, I mean, even like for having a conversation with someone, even non-sexual.

2:14:50 You know, she was like a solid seven and a half to eight. I never said anything. Yeah. So they had to drill in and give me a root canal, I go, that's nasty. From gritting your teeth? yeah he goes okay you got to get a mouthpiece or something look what you're doing your teeth and he and they did a root canal and put this calf on. the guy I do the UFC with,

2:17:22 he had one that was That's cool. It has to grow into your bone? Yeah, and it's expensive New York like would up a pile of cash and to he used to like And then I just eat it like that Lost some in fights I never floss. You never floss? And then when it comes out, it's like so tender. This is fucking crazy. These huge fucking slicing swords that are attached to his face.

2:20:57 with them killing If you want to eat black bear, people eat black bear. It's just like it's nature expressing itself in the coolest fucking way. And then you hear screams that eventually go underwater where the croc is like flipping them and rolling them. The 1940s. Let me find it. Yeah thousand men went in, 20 got out. How long ago? 1940s. Van Dave sent it

2:23:33 made for a cacophony of hell Gary Mortensen. It's worldwarii.com forward slash blog. different guy british naturalist bruce wright um attached to a Royal Marine Division, made the following notes of what he witnessed. Oh, more than that, man. Through mangroves? Dude, I'm shitting my pants right now. Somewhere? Damn. You might have to put a fucking muzzle on it unless they're feeding.

2:26:45 And it needs to eat. They have a real problem withating monster on your hand. Right. Just wandering around. Yeah. And it needs to eat. No. Yeah. Because they're aggressive, and they get to be 28 fucking feet long. in Florida and it had a pond across the street that had alligators in it. I know. It's a cold-blooded... something that existed just millions

2:28:57 It can only get three or four feet above the ground and then it falls down and it's all They just clean up everything that's around them. And you eat the eggs every morning. because I've talked about this on the podcast. People think, So they're just food. You can think it's completely karma-free. Roosters lay eggs? So that gets real weird. Yeah, it was funny. We served it to people on Fear Factor.

2:31:39 Balut's a delicacy. He should get together with Carrot Top and make a salad show. And they call me Grapefruit Simmons to this day. Doesn't offend me. Greg Fitzsimmons. I need something for people Madonna sort of stayed relevant all these years Yeah, David Bowie did a lot of that. face and singing each other's eyes that's not as gay as Mick Jagger and

2:34:17 strange way of... Just play the video Yeah. Everyone's partying. There was a weirdness to it, the way they were dancing around. Holy shit! Not even that it's gay. That's what gay guys are making out. It's not really about fucking each other it's But this is weird. But it's just weird. Really fucking sensual. Really? nondescript, sort of like non-body outlining

2:38:30 I mean, it's like, wow. working at papa gino's in newton massachusetts and i was uh i was a cook there i was making like And I was like, that might be the gayest human I think that, you know, something that's that gay, you think of Liberace and how many, like, frustrated Midwestern women would go see him in Vegas. How brilliant is Bill Cosby? He's a beautiful man, but he's dancing around,

2:40:32 Should have been with you instead. No, don't, don't, don't. Yeah. That's why you think about that guy, Jason Collins, the basketball player who came out. People say, that's really brave. There's the element, the fact that these guys get together in the locker room and they're naked together. For him, him being there would really change the dynamic of the locker room if he wasn't professional.

2:42:45 That's the real fear. Like prison. and you go back I jerked off to you last night. I don't want you If you're in a shower You look at a dick, I don't need to see your dick and I don't need to do anything with it. Thanks. Take care, and we hop out. You see someone's dick, but what I do believe about gay men, What is this bit with Tommy Segura getting some guy's grabby as dick?

2:45:03 Play it. Tosca's very much on her own. They're looking at each other in the eyes. Yeah. Nodding his head menacingly. God how long is this bit? I know. They're not going to talk about it. They went for it, though, man. Yeah, a gay guy would watch that and he goes, what's so funny? My other one is the one with him and Bert Kreischer where they're shaving each other with no shirts on.

2:48:17 He's fun, man. email me. He's awesome. You guys need a hug? Are you sure? He was trying to get his shit together. Even if it wasn't, you feel like it is. all the time and avoid dealing I love it. Oh, that's funny. That is really funny. But the back ones you have to get the premium membership Six years. and it was like this connection. Right. You know,

2:52:16 have the time to do and the only way Follow him, you dirty fucks. And when is your special coming out? Really, really funny shit. Holla at your boy. And all those podcasts that you see on the TV show, people have been asking me, those are real podcasts.