Joe Rogan Experience #390001 — Joey Diaz, Eddie Bravo Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Ladies, gentlemen, hermaphrodites, freaks and geeks, all my friends, lovers and children, Is that better? We had a good goddamn time in Boston. said they listened to the podcast. All right, there we are. Having a good goddamn time. It's funny. that take a shitty movie and make it work for us. The last two weeks, I've done something that has blown me apart.

2:31 And I started watching him. and you're hitting him, from Spiderweb? Yeah, the trip, I thought you were And then I flip you with the butterfly hooks. So you got this leg. a very simple hold, where it was controlling so by dick and really good at speaking about that something, But I couldn't take my fucking eyes off him. funny and be entertained. You know, you lock me in

5:06 with the 10th Planet Kush, I can't really speak smash people. Kenny Florian, I fucking love you guys, man. Oh, I know, but check this out. We can't. It's 10th Planet Kush, episode 19, featuring Joe Rogan. I didn't go off. How can I say that about a guy that I've never tried what he's doing? Well, people will see exactly what you said when they watch the episode.

7:31 it's probably the funniest fucking thing you can watch on the internet. but I don't know how many times I fucking turned it off So I watch these fights, and that's how I pick the things. I want to hear funny. And everyone's interacting. I mean, he might as well be writing for a magazine. underground. They're just human beings. You know, and me included,

9:51 Or, you know, like maybe fighters can, after a while, some fighters are known as folders, right? I don't know if I can see. to hear like a bunch of analysts sitting around going what he has to do is clay guida's got to I want to hear that kind of stuff hysterical on the same plane. Yeah, he is crazy. him and she tells him that her husband has hands that he or a boyfriend has hands that he had

11:52 are registered as a deadly weapon. He's got like at least 15 to 20 classic lines As the world's greatest martial artist. to punch and there's a lot of dudes that weren't kicking very good they just were kind of like They'd be like, what the fuck is he doing? was basically just punching you The Japs weren't knocking anybody out. me, so we're on the same flight.

14:25 On the fucking plane Jacked everywhere. Isn't it weird how your memories become memories of the pictures? something from that experience but like a regular memory just hanging out with somebody how long do Ken Shamrock told me, came out of his mouth, He was in pancreas as their American to fight so they can mix it in Yeah, to like the later rounds have to make sure you just didn't knock them out you have something that we're trying to create

16:56 I wouldn't know. Damn! Frank Shamrock just started great. And Alan Gullis was all over him. I don't know. He screams. He had a big ceremony. He had a big ceremony. You know how many farewell tours? coming back? Damn, if I fight again, They'll always come back. Yeah. And I think if he decides The real problem with fighters is they're not fighting, it's like they're lost. lost like when i was doing comedy and i was sucking one of the best things that happened to me is i tore my acl and the reason

20:34 am I doing? Why am I difficult for those guys to step away. top and you know you get your title back once you've lost it and you know it's not that anymore beating someone's, like, Yeah, like there's a lightning bolt coming from the sky. He wanted to take it out on Tito so bad. Should you be telling us? Someone's going to jail. He's all sitting there.

23:24 Yes, yes. Remember, he started throwing ones up. It was funny he was oh wait a minute dude i was there this is the guy that got mouthy with chuck yes yes remember he started throwing ones up yes and it was funny he was the dude next Like what does he do, right? I don't have no idea who he is. He fucking pointed. He goes, like, fuck you. Fuck your hand, man.

25:28 And the guy starts going, trying to shake Chuck's hand. I was there with you. As soon as he saw Chuck. who's got his hands registered with the FBI. But you never heard about that? 100%? If you're a professional boxer That guy that knocked out So that's where the evidence is. he's like 250 fucking giant muscles walks up to this chick and just blasts her in the face and

27:54 So Roger Huerta goes, all right, I guess we're going. action hero. He's like Spider-Man. He just He confronts the man with his hands up in a passive way like this. I'll knock your bitch ass out too. And Roger where to kicks his ass and it's all on video punch her? She drown your puppy? What the fuck? If she stole my phone Wow Push her head I can't talk on the phone at my house.

30:20 I wanted to go see the Mayan ruins. How long did you go without movies? So I called AT&T. Terry called No internet. Really? Try it for five days. and I know, I really enjoyed it. psycho was another and drive up the coast and it was pretty Turn to the right, and you're off the side of the cliff. shit i'm like fuck man well i'm having a good time right there this is nice right smoking weed the

33:35 We get there. bungalow, and we didn't know they didn't on the little LCD screen on my camcorder. Holy fuck. I said, Get the fuck back to my life. There's nothing to do. We broke up. So TV kept your relationship together. I was like planning We watched a lot of TV together. right here. you and all that but i got work to do. But we're still hanging out. We're still right here. I could kiss you and all that.

36:37 You just want to watch the movie. I don't give a fuck When I'm watching like You can't cuddle What if? You broke my balls for three years about it. Something about it. That's why. I was the last guy to get a fucking cell phone. You know it. it pisses me off I don't like cell phones you, you're intelligent. Get off this shit for minutes and see who emailed me or whatever.

38:23 It's happening, son. But you know what? I write a letter from time to time. I'm like, I love it. And I'm like, it's happening, son. was, you wouldn't fucking know it. You know three numbers in your head. I haven't logged in. My mom never wrote nothing on papers. That's insanity. That's huge. I don't have my phone on me, I feel like something's wrong.

40:08 You missed the gotch. They're on this device that controls everything in your life, and it might even be a part of your body. it's going to help human beings evolve. No, I didn't talk about There's no lines. ready for that shit. with Ricky Schroeder. was, if you count a rat, Go hunting with Ricky Schroeder? with guns. ladies and gentlemen. Eddie can't do the rubber guts.

42:20 Well, the real problem is experienced hunters, they literally see deer. really yeah that's a problem the problem is experienced hunters experienced what the fuck they're doing, and, you know, people who were shot, and, you know, accidentally shooting somebody while you're hunting you know you think you're seeing a deer And tape it. Yeah, but I don't want to eat something like that.

44:44 You know what? I love pussy, but you don't see me shooting no bitches. I know you don't want to. I don't think that because you eat meat, I don't buy the argument that you should have to shoot an animal. Well, you could. Nobody would say a word. He's a Spanish person. When I was a kid in Miami, my uncle would get the pigs, bring them up, But anyway, in the documentary, they live on a farm,

47:05 fucking running and squealing and scrambling. I ate it all the time. with a fucking sting in his neck. I don't like none of that shit. I don't even know what the fuck I'm eating. And even though I know they're nasty and they piss all over the fucking legs, take the skin off it I got that prize in my life. I, for one, am a huge fan of the Popeye's chicken.

48:59 Really? It's so good. at 11.15 while I was watching the UFC shoes on there last week. He was selling shoes. Old school? Most of them push like a cart. What a great idea the ice cream truck is. Some dude just selling you some shit on the street out of his truck. Can't you just... How do people want to buy it, man? In the poor neighborhoods, the kids are out't come out. Yeah. They can't get to, in the poor neighborhoods,

51:37 they would be playing stickball and Dominicans and stuff Car's coming. playing football in the street. I was like 10 and 11. And we were all mixed in playing football, organizing shit. What was the point? I did it with I ice cream truck. Oh ice cream truck Oh, that was part of our life playing football on the fucking street and We were fucking animals there.

53:33 and you'd be watching TV. They'd be taking sleds, late at night. would come by, fucking throw lemons at them practice, so if we got chased because we're all the same, They all figured out their way through the world. the streets my mom just had to work all the time she worked all the goddamn time if you have like if you had like a really cool dad who was like a christian who was like you know like a real like

55:39 the United States would never do a bad thing to us, I mean, you were taken in by people's generosity, like your friends and fans. and was involved in heroin. I didn't buy into none of that shit. I never bought into insecure? I wanted to. To this day, When I came to this country, my mom stressed it. My mom raised me to be an American, and I've seen some of the shit I bought into.

57:31 I can vote now, but I don't want to vote. Okay. Can you talk about what happened? And it just so happens that the guy got caught. you know what? I fucked up. It wasn't So my wife said, if you have to go to Tai Chi at 7, you might as well drop me off at the train station. not angry at him. I went to Tai Chi. I did my thing. I didn't mention it. He did his

59:32 But people don't really see it. I could do it standing on my head. You follow me and you eat and whatever. Your freedom Now, what was a typical day in prison like for you? I learned how to do stand-up comic in prison. It would always fuck up. What would you say? We'd make fun It's like Cuba. These motherfuckers were big. So I would go, don't do it.

1:01:57 So I would go back to the prison with Chinese food and groceries. So they had to pay me rent. They weren't mine. Somebody had to put it up their ass? So someone... How do they smuggle fucking kid and you pass the kid That's how they do it. Same shit. No, it was like the second time I did heroin. I was like this for like a day. and every... And it's like when you get released, it's like terrible.

1:04:32 Yeah, because they want to go out. The biggest scam I had at the camp, the biggest scam I had was there was an old Italian dude from Brooklyn. I said, give me the fucking cards. We're going to go partners. Cuba, fuck the movie. Just go up there and talk about the kitchen. And he was crazy. This motherfucker went and got a knife. And he got eight years.

1:06:30 that his eyes would go crazy. Like teeth? That's where white people drew the line. In real life. If that is the case, if mayhem does, that's one. He's a white guy. hip-hop culture thing you know it's where i grew up i grew up like this you know i'm saying you But to continue with Eddie, what I was telling you was that I went in there every Thursday.

1:08:38 or something, he went to prison He goes, every week you write jokes. I'd never seen the guy again. Just said it out of the blue. Do you think Bro, if anybody. And then the thing that really got me was when you go to prison, they do a diagnostic on you. It was three days of mental testing, and it was eating me alive, I mean, that's how he told me. That was my counselor. And he said to me, he goes, I go all you bug fuckers, spics and niggas. I mean, that's how he felt.

1:10:59 It said that if you really wanted something and I had it, that you would take it from me. That's what he was saying. You, you know, this is an experience. But I'm thinking that if you did it, how many times did you do it in prison? What was the first club? Mexicans. And I always wanted to shoot somebody and be a criminal up to that point. that opportunity to see. By the way, did you see

1:13:07 on Bernie Madoff that guy about people the first time on stage or if you don't remember I would consider, that you should go on stage? Did people tell you that you should do that? Yeah, tell us about the first time on stage. The first time I was in prison. I like your first night officially as a comedian About a month ago, I got a call from a friend of mine.

1:14:04 He goes, do you remember after freshman until we got to the thing. you don't remember? wow. And they wouldn't fucking pick it. We got to stop this. junior high, in high school, you have, like, seven teachers, We talked about this before on the podcast. all this resistance to your personality, before someone comes along and tells you. I have no opinions about anything.

1:16:43 I didn't really consider the world. That's all I thought about. My life experience was very limited. They're not going to listen to you unless you're some super genius, I went to school, and then I was sick and tired of people telling me, try it. because somebody might just get kicked in the face and knocked out. Because other than that, I didn't think I was funny.

1:18:51 I couldn't fucking believe and I was just looking around You know, Bill Murray, the funniest guy ever, We just froze. We didn't laugh at all. He took it to a whole new level. When I was a kid, want to jump out a fucking window. So dig this. When you go, dig this, man. He was fucking nuts, bro. You think he wants to see a cross? Wow. There's so many good ones.

1:22:01 Where you from, fool? That was my heart. One more. But Bison told me, he goes to the baptism, and a face like a lion and a body like a serpent. and just giggle because we knew we shouldn't be listening to this. it's just that's a oh that's a terrible job My buddy did that. When they went public, because he had 30 years of stocks. People always have business investment

1:24:35 He was fucking pissed. I'm like, God damn it. He knew everything. People used to always tell me how they used to ship shit on UPS And these guys would have to sort shit out. Well, my gangster buddies would take shit and throw it under the security gate opens, and they would have these conveyor belts, and these guys would have to sort shit out. This is a long time.

1:26:20 They know where it's stopped. Each of them would yank $90,000 a week out of there. in UPS. The way you get into try UPS. they're looking for warriors, So it was like, I want that fucking money, you know? I don't want to work retail and deal with people. I knew I just bullshitted my way through. It's a tremendous warehouse. There are two worse motherfuckers. There's all these semis

1:28:44 of this fucking truck. I need to be in the sword sword there's all the dust in here this is for the fucking I'm like, oh, this motherfucker going to tie me. Like the team leader, fucking Edgar Bravo. And when it was time for the big promotion way up the conveyor belt, like the dude who sorts for the actual trucks that are going out. It's complex by the time when down the road in the conveyor belt, they see a Miss Sword.

1:30:13 Well, anyways, I thought I got a promotion, couldn't handle working with Phil Collins because you start fucking getting pissed. it takes like two months to fucking have that shit wired. I'm like, I'm gone. I would have been a deep into management position. You would have been a UPS. You would have been a blue belt by now. Because there were two Phil Collins. There was a drummer

1:31:50 You know what I'm saying? Free Bird. Oh, my God. They ain't fucking around't around though were they yeah leonard skinner had some got Bray the next Wednesday Tuesday it's a Tuesday. It's a Tuesday. UFC is on a Wednesday. It's Tuesday night. Laughing. I'll do that with you. We've been doing good fucking numbers. Do you have your website updated? We need to get you a real website with a real schedule.

1:33:54 Brian knows all about that shit. Still rocking Myspace. batches of people. You know what I'm saying? It's like me and a couple people. We just keep moving on. You know, yeah, But I don't fuck Bob's in a relationship By the way, That's a Saturday. And the Twister Viper Room. Yeah, 18th is Rochester. Okay, so the Sunday is the Viper Room.th, bro. 18th is a Saturday night. Yeah, 18th is Rochester.

1:36:19 Oh, shit. on my website is all free What happened? just start lighting joints and i i'm always thinking we're gonna get pulled over and we're And right away. Especially if you're abroad. If you're a guy, put it in your fucking snatch. Especially if you're abroad. No, she got let out, but at three quarters. Oh, man. I don't wish any harm watching his life fall apart.

1:38:45 Come on. I know. was had a fake book signing and people showed up and thought it was him. like he would say. he was making moves on this one chick and from under the table a girl came out like he had been where we could have really done what we wanted to do, going to be well when it started out what it was supposed to be was supposed to be we would be able

1:40:56 I go, that's the only way it would work. The guy actually said this to me. So this was like a perfect thing. It's going to be completely wild. He hated you. You and him. You remember that, right? Yeah. Remember that me and Doug hired. Yes. He had his own. You hired the head writer. He hated you. And you said, can I hire my guys? The comedian. And you're like, damn.

1:42:48 And I wasn't there. And Joey's dancing and everything. It was out naked, you pixelate his balls, the crowd's going to go crazy. It's going to put him in the perfect mood. I just don't see it not be funny? I go you're gonna get Joey Diaz He's gonna run out naked you pixelate his balls the crowds gonna go crazy. It's gonna put him in the perfect mood

1:43:52 I'm capable of reproducing what I think is funny. quit. Because you've got to think. gave up. They were like, they go, no, they didn't understand He could eventually do that, and I wasn't there enough enough to take over is getting in people who don't know, who weren't They just went on this panic sheep run, It was funny because I'll never forget the day

1:46:31 And I'll never forget that. It was hysterical to see all these fucking educated white people walking around like they didn't know what the fuck to do. They did not want to. We're going to do this ain't going to happen. They had to shut up I'm a fucking stand-up comic at the time. And I bust a dude. I don't give a fuck. I got to put up with all that cut Judy Brown, all that shit.

1:48:42 So I go, how can you fucking say that to me? so you're fired he's a white biker with his bike You're a fucking man, and you're sitting by a pipe like a little fucking girl. And he just looked at me like he was a tough guy with his friends. He did me a favor. Remember the day one? So we walked in. You got to write some new shit. They had a bunch of sketches they had already prepared.

1:50:40 We're going to go to Miami. right environment. So that day you told Giannis and the producers, yeah, man, I can't write here either. I mean, I had a writer's block here too. It's just not the right environment. So that I only worked there the first day. I'd have to have at least one sketch a day. strip DJ job for 10 years. Doug had to have control of it.

1:52:30 they had amicably parted ways because There's like a fucking yoga class in here. No, I don't. It's almost 5 o'clock, or 4 o'clock, rather. Oh, fuck, man. The air's on, man. I thought BJ, the game plan, when they were in between corners, they didn't seem to have a game plan. Frankie Edgar's a lightning bolt. He's all over the place. He went after him.

1:54:24 His striking is amazing. He's hard to hit. He's hard to get a hold of. Not taking got started so fast. His wrestling is top notch. His striking is amazing. They were just giving him a kick his ass. come on, it's a huge difference. Well, it could be because We're seeing some evolution. Now Frankie Edgar looks like his technique. His mentality is fucking perfect.

1:56:15 And, you know, people are saying, oh, he's not stopping people. he's going to be crushing people because he comes in to blast 100% now with BJ. He's a powerful motherfucker, and he's a good wrestler. Yeah, but I think Ricky Story is stronger than Josh Berkman, dude. He's all into evolving and adding weapons to his game, Dude, when he attacked Hazlett up against the cage, he started ripping his body with

1:58:17 This guy was just crushing him with punches. No, go ahead. Usually you're dead when BJ mounts you. you rest and you're like, oh, fuck, now I gotta get out of this. But what I did like about BJ is his guard recovery, his butterflies, and his foot-on-the-hip control. He's had problems in a lot of fights where guys can take him down and hold him down.