Joe Rogan Experience #393 — Tom Segura Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Hello sweet freak bitches from space You know, if you live in San Francisco and you're on that fucking parade route, boy. area is all gay there's no one area in san francisco where it's all gay yeah you know there's Yeah. like um i don't know dude I think There are neighborhoods And Los Angeles That's a good move I mean, why the fuck would you want to pay L.A. prices for a house?

2:29 $850,000. They're tearing it down. So you spent $850,000 just to get the lot of land. That's fucking another house. He bought like a $4 million house and just fucking leveled his house and said i want a yard wow that's fucking he bought like a We should just keep doing what we're doing. I'll shove them all in tomorrow. And people say, like, you shouldn't do that.

4:08 There's all-time drunk guys. Attell's number two when he was in his prime. He recorded it at the Comedy Works in Denver. Because that club, I don't think in Denver. That's fucking right. And I want to record in that little spot because that club, is much larger. comedy club. The table's welded to the fucking floor. how to run a club man well i knew she had a real community i was like if i'm gonna live somewhere

6:29 Hundreds missing. Look at that. Like there was like- Oh, that sucks. I don't want to go anymore. Another earthquake hits And novel ways to try to contain the radioactive water. It's already melted through its containment at unprecedented levels in mankind. but it's in Chernobyl. be okay i haven't heard anybody that says relax about fukushima everything's going to be cool

9:55 wide containment area. And that just happened. And I've had people tweet me about this. And they're like, well, it's all diluted. And you the time and everybody wants to stress that like listen you're being an alarmist about nuclear Chernobyl, Forma Island, and then this one, Fukushima. from now? I mean, just take the time and do the math. You can't stop it. Unless you come up

12:52 All the craziest theorists about backdating civilization, they all go, 100,000 years ago. Really? Ah! Yeah, I saw an article recently on this guy like Native American tribes I don't know anything but English that's the reason why a lot of people who are from another country make Like there you, I mean, you know, for the first 18 years of my life, because that's what my mom spoke.

16:11 learning to speak more. But our speaking Spanish wasn't as good, I have a ton of cousins and stuff. So I would go there, go to school, and just fuck around. Really? And at that point, I already spoke pretty well. I was dreaming in Spanish. to people now in Spanish and they ask me what country I'm from. And you would, you would know that it's probably from Columbia or Peru, that area.

19:32 Isn't that interesting? and there's a go down there the story of the house on Garibaldi Street is about... One of his kids told somebody in school about, like as a secret, Like that kind of shit. Some girl, I mean, it's kind of a fucked up story, but some girl was a photographer and Shot the laptop and gave it back to her, the bullet hole in it. Yes, she was a Jew.

22:15 And then the guy handed it to her. And like, fucking these chores. you forgot what I do for a living, right? He made he made a video he's like so i saw what you said so you think we No. And see that on her own Facebook page. And see that on her own Facebook page, yeah. Is this it? Yeah. as a message to her. So she would go online later. It's humiliating her.

23:56 watch the video uh it's probably he's a shithead though he's a shithead um but i imagine that she wow to be sure I put one And here's where we're really coming from. is just because they're getting older, She's going to have a gun. She's going to think that you could just guff my daddy told me how to get back in a motherfucker a 45 yeah I'll shoot your

26:34 Roll down the street. That's how we do. When they talk to the politician, the wild and wonderful whites of West Virginia, 10 minutes in and the next guy he has family and a family. He looked like all responsible Go ahead. Bobby Sue from Wild She's kind of sexy in kind of a crazy way. and Subab wants to throw down, you're like, hold on. And I've always been the sexiest one in the family.

30:05 I've always been the sexiest one in my family. It just is what it is, man. Yeah, but I mean, imagine the impact that's had. That's hard living. Boot scootin', boogie. it is it's out there it is what it is I always talk about Stevie you saw Stevie Stevie the And like he gets, it's, he's fucking retarded. You're talking about a real... Fantastic. Let's see.

33:05 and now he's gotten himself in a load of trouble, I think he went after his sister's daughter, his niece. When I talk about the funny stuff in this movie The guy with the glasses says that? Yes, yes. Oh, man. Yeah, oh, yeah. acknowledging what they did wrong What'd he say? as long as it was just mild touching up. but concluded, I didn't think he did any of us lasting harm. I'm very

36:46 eras of different standards. Well, and, you know, quite honestly, some people would say that he's been damaged by it. pedophilia projecting well yeah and not well not only that but it also could almost encourage I got a little nose hair trimmer and sometimes they get some strays up there and you just can't resist those sneezes when they're coming because if I would be outside

38:57 you like that too Yeah. He said Dawkins' remarks were a terrible slight I mean, the thing that you have to examine is like Dawkins' statement. But I don't know that that really applies to pedophilia. now this happens to be much longer time ago, And someone talking about, like, It's so hard to... You're dealing with A, Japanese, sort of away from the rest of the world.

41:55 Our idea of what sex is in 2013, we think that, well, back then, if you got locked up in prison, you had to fuck a dude. You got an asshole. right and then yeah that was it and there was no i'm gonna talk to somebody about you made me in hungary hungary and this bitch killed, they don't even know how many women. And they didn't even kill her. Like, you ever read about Vlad the Impaler?

44:31 Holy shit. With a fucking Steak in Persia. I guess they were approaching Persia, But just the idea that people would do that, that they would just run rows and rows and rows of bodies. in the open yeah you know like it's the situation that's going on right now in syria where everybody die. You know, the way he did it with poison and we just, we can't take that.

47:12 We'll probably kill way more innocent people than a thousand. like that was something that was passed during the bush administration yeah you couldn't take They're not seeing the damage. That should be highly illegal. Morale only weakens when it's supposed to be weakened. to say i hope the diplomatic strategy works out i mean i hope so too but i mean i can't believe

49:30 I know, You have to like, you read CNN and then you read like, if you go to Drudge to see how they present the story, the same story. Oh, yeah. You go, you read CNN, and then you read, like, There's built-in bias to every angle, every story. take all your hard-earned money, and you're like, oh, you're not even being honest here. this money and influence they're all always always only thinking about their next election

51:17 Is it that low now? Yeah, it's pretty low. and then Bush would be like second. Okay. Can you look up? Bush? Truman. Wow. That's really low man oh i think obama it's just like every other thing that happens in this world you probably go into it Do you think a lot of it behind closed doors is like, into a point where the economy eroded radically in all businesses.

54:41 We've put a cap on it. The people that we asked to watch over, hey, you guys are the financial guys, right? have you ever watched that? And he catches these dudes and corners them and asks them questions. kind of admirable and I want to look at it from a gangster point of view yeah I And from the beginning of the Iraq war They're both pretty gangster.

57:07 out man we can't just keep doing this we can't just keep going to war i've heard a lot of uh Allegedly. Peter Schiff? You know what I know for sure, though? And you go inside of it and start fucking with the registry and embed yourself. is they have a specific knowledge that basically the overwhelming majority of people can't That goes, but then that makes things go unregulated, unchecked.

59:32 is happening. And he took a mulligan. For boxing, if you watch the Mayweather fight. miss the fight whatever i had two shows i mean i take my time i finish the show i get paid i'm just know yeah it was ridiculous i mean this woman scored it even even is crazy i think even i think counters. No, no, no. resume? That lady does not pay attention. However, if I was an investigator, I would look into it sharply.

1:03:09 But I went unbearably. That's not a word. Oh, he bet a pound of weed? I don't know. Like, I don't want to carry a lot of weed around. I'm not a drug dealer. three pit bulls, It's so scary. abetting somehow or another they set this guy up. It's one of my mods. the bare basics to it no this is dope keep playing how did he do that I thought he said pinot.

1:06:50 And then it closes. Damn! Love it. from that era so I think it's a late 70s movie it's so good you seen it Brian you If they were used to smuggle drugs without his knowledge, he figured it wasn't a problem. Yeah. And so there was this dude named Esteban, from pricey jewelry to legal handguns. And so this guy, Anaya, the guy who got arrested, he thought it was wise to deviate from his standard no questions asked policy before agreeing.

1:10:08 So the guy didn't give in to saying, questions. That's what it was. all the time, you should be able There's that weirdness of searching people's cars, man, because you don't come to a person's cash in the backseat that you're going to steal from us And then she had a document all of her pay our ho and show all document You can, you know, just because everybody else uses a fucking credit card.

1:12:22 Yes. I don't have this problem, but I've thought about it before. Well what does that do? you're like Absolutely. Yeah. She goes in this ostrich skin, Hey, Floyd. You know what I mean? and Dana was talking about his gambling. And is gambling always on sporting events? I can't even remember. I went into that high stakes room. I can't imagine it. for money, like in

1:16:23 But if I had some money invested, is this super high level kickboxing Yeah. you know we're going to I would if I wanted Who they are? There's a certain number Everything after that is just like, you know, I don't know. Right. Yeah. That, that, I, you know, there's no, there's no basketball in there confusing me. And the crazy thing is like, Well, that's Hunter S. Thompson's

1:18:47 Oh, dude. Okay. And he was like, I was blown away. He had been apparently talking about killing himself for a long time. If you ever listen to Hunter, like, later in life, because uh he's it's much he's much older when he's doing the one on conan grizzly man you'd It's an amazing, amazing, amazing documentary. You can't even hear that. It's when he's running for sheriff of Aspen, and he's talking about the laws that are in place today

1:21:40 And they're like, it's pretty fucking intense, man. We need the umbrellas, some whiskey, and we need a machine gun. Phoenix? Yeah. that you can shoot guns on, they assume you're starting a cult. Why? Too sweet, guys. I think they're just smart. I don't even know of one. Yeah. And then there's a few hangers on Yeah I guess there's the natural association

1:24:31 You can, without a doubt, Whoa. And she's a big, beautiful woman. His hair's like- That's some good fucking sex. artificial, Imagine how she gives birth, they're both, Gabby Reese. that have come straight from Florida. There's a lot of fucking going on in the monkey world. well, chimps at least, is mother and son don't have sex. They fuck cousins. Yeah.

1:27:27 There's a thousand feral rhesus monkeys living in Florida right now, of Florida's Silver River State Park. They got herpes. There's a thousand of them roaming. For these moments. Florida's rhesus monkeys are known to act aggressively towards people. This is great. Great winners in Florida. And they're trying to find out. you need to be able to rest.

1:30:37 They're in Central and South Florida. It's a big, loud, crazy to kill off the other frogs by making them stupid. So they actually get, they got competitive Yeah, they're just trying to get their frog freak on. Florida's the perfect storm. That's a lot. Then you've got the cocaine industry in Miami. So you've got that, okay? who does that attract? No income tax. And it's like this reputation of being a place where

1:34:10 Yeah. great city it's a fun fun city but it's very international oh yeah it's very international Yeah, there you go. Or that far central. Belle Glade is basically inland from Palm Beach. like, poor, Belle Glade You know, it doesn't smell good. That cartoon of Bugs Bunny sawing off Florida, what year was that from? He was Cuban. Like back then, you know,

1:37:44 a lot of people actually almost racists do look at Hispanic. Why did they do that? I Love Desi. That the show basically, it's you saying it. I didn't fucking say that shit. 1957 and then after the series ended a modified version continued for three more seasons with 13 Uh-huh. re-air that that's actually quite funny yeah originally set in an apartment building in new

1:40:38 Wow. Yeah, that show is Yeah, yeah. how crazy people were. is to watch old shows. If she's out of line and she doesn't know what she's doing, you're just trying to help her. Okay, I thought that was just Yeah, This is incredible. Nice little smack. There's none. You bet. What the fuck, cocksucker? I subscribe to the theory that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

1:44:14 He looks evil, man. That was the last one? He's probably saying that to appear, look, it's no big deal. Yeah. That's considered the discipline for that guy. Jerry's twisted fuck. Are they going to separate it? Oh, my God. Wow. She forgot how good she has at Joe obviously you get back further and further and wider and wider I guess so. It's such a silly world.

1:47:59 effective in combat, but that fake And I'm like. And you're just like, Hinchcliffe loves wrestling. What are you talking about man? has their But I'm just saying the excitement, Okay. Yeah, and he had long-term effects from that. Dave Schultz, right? That's the reason you ain't in it. You know? That's open hand slap, huh? Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

1:50:40 Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! That second one That second one Is I think the one That did the real thing Well he In all fairness He was a little mouthy In all fairness Is this a good business How long have you been doing it? Yeah. you fucking dope. It's arranged, but course it's fake, you fucking dope.

1:51:31 is so stupid. are fucking idiots, But he had a different idea of how that was going to turn out. and he's got a giant to happen everyone backing away from no one's gonna save you right then what are you gonna do that guy's I mean, he might get arrested Oh, he's enormous. Lands 5 a.m. He's at the hotel. Yeah, I saw that's he said he's doing like two hours of cardio and then three hours of

1:53:31 post sugar. I think it's probably because of caloric intake. Yeah, yeah. You know, I don't miss it that much. I always had bread or pasta. It takes a long time. for that very reason. I think you could have rice so it could survive pesticides and bug attacks and shit better. Beers, right? I mean, you're always reading about it now? There's a book called Wheat Belly that I still haven't read, but a lot of people point to that

1:57:39 to reduce risk in diabetes, heart disease, and colon cancer. chicken or meat or uh and a lot of vegetables and i still eat potatoes and You got glue. nutritionally sound. I don't know what I'm talking about. It's still delicious. I cut that shit out entirely. Uncle Eddie's, I think. don't pass up on these. until I felt sick. Trader Joe's, Trader Joe's made a crazy vegan chocolate chip with a cold glass of milk. I would eat those until I felt sick.

2:00:36 Well, I think vegan's just lacking the eggs. cookies. Those are incredible. Really? I want to watch meat so badly while he's training just watching yes yes i do i want to pass off yeah i mean they said too that like uh you know workouts are so intense yeah his You can't even wrap your head around that. Yeah, number six. are like, is it a nice slider

2:02:37 six is really sloppy Are these bad or good on a scale of good to bad? A really good shit that you've held in for a while is incredibly pleasing. ah. There's really no feeling like it. A seven? and it's the first thing that enters your stomach, and you know when you get up like if you're at a restaurant asteroids fireballs and it burnt coming out even though there's it wasn't even spicy cheese it was just because it was a vegan cheese stung a little bit yeah little bee stingers

2:04:56 Unbelievable. I think... Okay. To start with, physics is one of the most fundamental of all the sciences, and I use should not attract a man. pole of a magnet does not attract a I just tell them there is no gay marriage. He should hold a press conference, this guy, just so people can be like, Tommy Buns ready to let you know. What's the number one move?

2:07:50 I mean, I've been so hit on that I'm like, In Montreal, drunk. what if I kissed you on the mouth? Yeah, no. It could be. No. I made up a name. This is It's gayer than that And the lab Tom just got it. Get the fuck out of here. For free. has like a different policy. get on planes but we're on a plane. though that is so crazy especially one that has an outside patio. She wasn't even using the outside patio.

2:11:23 Of course. Ridiculous broken bitch And there are probably people that if it wasn't for their dog, they probably wouldn't even want to be alive. and then someone touches something talk. It's a California. If you're going to be The person's eating and the dog's right That's a dumb thing. We wouldn't even care. is incredibly selfish. It is a problem. But if you're a blind person, yeah, I hear you.

2:14:19 I remember when I moved here, and I was getting post-production jobs, I got a gig after that Yeah, Frank Sinatra, It's California. She was a pit bull. with people. And there's a great thing better get the fuck away from my man like she wanted only me to pet her like and when like she and then she got in a fight with a male and to the point He was a beautiful, smart, sweetheart with people, with all my friends.

2:17:00 Is also with high intelligence like a lot of those dogs that get through, especially because of the cruel nature of both dog fighting them which i was really good at training dogs i've been training dogs my whole life i'm pretty Like, I'm good at that shit. more aggressive because you promote it. It doesn't matter. They want to fuck up other dogs man she still wanted to kill they

2:19:06 Do you bring your dog out? No. Really? And so I gave him a medium rare. It was perfect. He goes, that's too raw. And I'm like, do you even he wanted a medium rare steak. And so I gave him a medium rare. It was Oh, yeah. Oh, Brian. You're a problem. I don't give a fuck that I'm working at this restaurant, how you're talking to me right now. You don't want to treat somebody like shit that's about to handle your food.

2:21:09 And for no reason. Jesus Christ. Their bill because the rice was too hot. No like first he brought the rice over Like, he feels like, like, by the time the manager gets there, the manager just wants to calm everything down. But the guy was, he didn't even try to calm him down my mouth. And he's like, and you know, you, you didn't have one of the specials on the menu. I go

2:23:18 So then another waiter comes over So many times at comedy clubs. And they're like, man, this shit wasn't even good. They always order a shitload too. Like these shrimp that people do, And then they start going, act like they're going to contribute. 40 bucks why did you know oh that's not good all the time i've been just paying for it half the Redman's got my back.

2:25:54 Because they're part criminal, part artist. of shit though I take care of everything I think that's the way you're supposed to deal with it. that seems like bullshit to me. And then they're just like, let's go out to eat. Yeah, I mean, you know, at a certain point you're just like, all right. my meals. This is not a comic, but there's a guy. And then when the bill came, he would just go,

2:28:49 so the priority was on getting him to like a hospital he became like the most famous guy We're not assuring anything. Get some cups. Oh. I love how it ends, even. A guy who takes advantage of other people being nice and the rules. It's for you. He's a chess master. He is. He was't have any money. He probably also runs Red Lights. It's not for me. It's for you.

2:30:51 Oh, that guy died? I think so. Okay A suckling Chinese male? Your wrong name? D'Souza. So apparently he was a chess master Damn, convicted. I don't even know how to say this. then disappeared. and that would be something they would be into doing. Oh, yeah. Fucking funny movie. It was interesting. It's like, I don't want to say too much. I don't want really good man it was interesting it's like i

2:35:32 I really enjoy the shit. the big guy and they're always together Shaun of the Dead I love all those movies. I mean, his sensibilities, don't you mean James Franco, is that right? Yeah, James Franco. like all the guys Somebody put up Yeah. So he's trying to throw them off the tracks? Too smart for his own good. He was playing them all. it's too much work

2:38:29 It freaks me out. Do you look up multiple simultaneous pool games? You could find him doing it. This guy's just walking down this huge table You're fucked. Oh, I see what you're doing. Yeah, three huge, long tables of people, Look, he's paused. I wonder if he gets like 100 tables and his fucking head explodes. The possibilities. It seems like there's a certain level that they get where they see things just completely differently.

2:41:45 I would like to see chess masters versus how much pussy they get on a chart. Yeah, I would feel better about that. Like, if he was gay and he had to fuck you, Suck my cock. Really? Yeah. Did he shock it? They're really good. That's how you do all those moves. is that he was so fucking smart But the thing about it is you can't deny the effectiveness of it. It's real weird when someone is an obvious, genuine, 100% bona fide super genius to the point where a guy like me can't even understand how this guy could come up with so many patents.

2:45:08 Like, we are designed so that it doesn't frustrate us And you have this insatiable desire to get the most expensive car That's what I think. Materialism is just another way that we can show our peacock feathers in our domination outside of actual physical and he just decided, you know what? that they were about looks with him And forget to take the pill pretty often.

2:47:42 It's designed as being another outlet. People get, you get things for yourself to make yourself feel, to pump yourself up, you Yeah, that's my shit. was the metal locking screw on the camera lens. Wink, wink. Yeah, it's incredible. 1898, dude. That's what a big deal it was. He invented a lot of shit. He like had a special Yeah, no. I think his relationship with theated who's Iron Mike Tyson oh Tyson yeah no

2:50:36 go clean your stuff Yeah. No bird feed. He really couldn't take care of himself. All right, this podcast, basically over. And I just signed up to do the Comedy and Magic Club next weekend, the 27th and the 28th. I'm trying to do a lot of stand-up now. I'm fucking excited. The bear has landed. It's going to be fun. We're going to be with Tony Hinchcliffe and Christina. Yeah. We're going to do a gay show. The bear has landed.

2:52:32 Where's your website All over the world. Big kiss.