Joe Rogan Experience #394 — Matt Fulchiron Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Yes, by night, all day! I would have been less worried if I didn't know that Budweiser and Heineken were both gluten-free. Oh, really? And Heineken is less than that. how fucking dangerous drinking is for you as far as decision making. And it's everywhere. Well, what people don't understand is people are always going to have the option to get fucked up.

2:07 And no one's going to stop it. But also it lets you know that you're being hoodwinked. Dude, we went to a drive-through liquor store in Phoenix. And they wanted you to do comedy? Well, there was one guy, and then there was the other guy who took over. stage and then we found out that it was bullshit that it wasn't that there if you get a DUI in Phoenix,

4:03 Have you heard of this? than prison because you're in a tent well it's also that guy is a real problem that joe r pio What about the nice people that have guns? All that stuff is great. We're not trying to encourage that kind of a good time. They sell tequila shots. Somebody just said that if you get a.15 or more in Arizona, that it immediately equals 30 days minimum in jail.

6:34 People were complaining. Unquestionably. But he could have got into it? And he was focusing on Canada, and it was all about Vancouver. Facebook about the number of You're saying they can only go 30 miles an hour on a highway, Well, what's interesting is they also had a study that showed Like no one's ever died there. these two white lines just on the side of the road because just cops going, you, you.

9:58 Yeah, they're just too busy out here. Hagar was right, man. ice house chronicles the other day we were watching the old kiss karaoke video Love Gun. They're really cool, though. I got a show tonight. Joey Diaz called me up, and he's like, I want to have you in the morning. It's just like, how early, bitch? Joey. I got a show tonight. Here's the number.

11:40 and do Joey's podcast, his phone's off. You like the fact that he texted you? Really? He won't lie. You really don't want the... 61 unheard voicemails. And if someone Goddamn, Yeah, exactly. I turned on one of my old phones the other day, Wow. everyone's like, shut the fuck up. It was the cheapest phone. And then I went to the store, and I didn't know iPhones were pretty much free.

14:53 I'm still me. I was in Montana last year for five days in the woods and shit. It was just. So then I'd go out running. So do you think that the internet makes you insane? They're going to know now. It's all about not getting locked in a box. How many people are dead now? All right, well. Everybody. Do you see Dracula? you become a vampire? depicted in certain ways in film.

18:17 80 guys. you know, No, no. It was an interesting movie. When someone died, it was like, holy shit. And it was like every once murders were real. Right. You know, it felt like a real murder. Like, when someone died, it was like, holy shit. Wow. No, I hated it too. Yeah. You just realize it. And then one day, yeah, he dies. In 10 years? You know? The one that makes you crash more is legal.

21:20 has been compressed under stacks of bricks. That was me. But yet, it's responsible for a lot of fun times. I think alcohol's fine if it's balanced Eat a little cactus. Well. Romancer, probably, You can't keep doing this you know you're you're You're kind of a creepy old man. and goes to Laker games he wants. than most countries. if he does. I wonder if it's like... And then

24:23 his first name. Their head is not really completely wrapped around that. I called him a pedophile. You guys are always talking. You just didn't pay attention. I heard that Jack Nicholson got paid to write Head, that Monkees movie. Well, it's so funny. He's so comfortable in his own skin. He's very fast. on this call living out character man i mean you want to talk about like a dude who defined the 60s he ended it he fucking ended the 60s well he

28:25 Squeaky Fromm that tried to kill Gerald Ford. This is a recreation. like a weird pose it's like the guy Manson Tell me in a sentence who you are. it's some goofy-ass video where there's all this biblical music You should have not listened to that whole thing. I ate your garbage. I live on the ground. See, prison doesn't begin and end at the gate. Dude should have a podcast.

32:13 oh Jesus to be led that someone can come along like that that people have such a desire to be led, Food co-ops, video stores. It was men. I have a buddy, his ex-girlfriend grew up in a cult, man. Yeah. That's how these cults form. The White Album, he took The Beatles. Wow. And he saw them as the four horsemen of the apocalypse. The Beatles. about the apocalypse. Yeah.

34:36 One Direction? There's four girls in One Direction, let's say. Imagine if it was. No, no, no. What the fuck, man? Is that my name right there on the wall? Far left. and there's a bullet hole in it wow You know, you always had late spots. Especially if you put it no one had ever been Yeah, and the way he would go about it was so painful. I want my records back!

37:41 I got to see him, unfortunately, though, when he was already slipping. Ha ha ha. And I met this girl and I wanted to impress her, you know. and, uh, have lunch or see a movie or... records back! Do you know? It's called Brother Bill or My Brother Sam. It was early though so much on the podcast. It's a little too, uh, I try not to reiterate, but I say he slipped, I've talked about it so much on the podcast. It's almost a little too, I try not to reiterate.

41:37 I got to see a couple sets that just were not very good. And with him, it had to be coke too. He definitely wasn't doing late spots every night. Everybody loves you. That ain't going to work out, dude. Actors. yourself to the ideology of whoever's trying to oh i do i think that too choose me choose me right It's almost like they were abused by life.

44:15 You have to pretend you can kick every man's ass, They don't just throw you away. and neck skin and shit I retired 10 years ago. She's so smart, she teaches others to be smart. The real problem with the Hollywood influence is not the liberal aspect of it. It's this massive, and then, of course, there's musicians in there, and there's painters in before you find one really cool one.

46:21 But god damn, there's a lot of annoying people. Fevered egos. There's laws against I bombed last night at the improv. this, people are doing bad financially. That's It's like almost like the more options we got as human beings, the more it got to the Yeah, that's how it used to be. so they don't have to do anything. What is it? It's just sad. into a fear-based world. happen, you've changed our world into a fear-based world.

49:27 Right. There's the Boston thing. He was on some sort of meds, you know. Right. I was just in such-and-such. They got a lot of meth over there. That's gonna kill It's from the next town over. In Fresno. Nothing but gays in Fresno's got a bunch of meth, queer people. In Fresno. Gay or meth. Woo, woo. Yeah, I know. It's good. Flat areas like Kansas. Okay.

53:09 We haven't even done anything with it yet. There's some spots we give them at Fultron. And on the reservations, a lot of folks don't really even understand that those same laws Yeah. People go, well, how's there a casino are really small, so you'll be driving through Oregon like bright, shiny neon lights, I got some money. What do you think goes on?

55:25 Listen, Mr. Wildflower. We'll give you a Rolls Royce. Like out San Bernardino area, you know, like way out past there? You just stand up in Laughlin? i mean think about that like there's a big difference between going to that place like It is weird. It's kind of cool because it's like It's like old Vegas. Did Stan Hope record his first CD there? And I was there

58:06 up on like the second floor or the first floor somewhere and i ran into him in the elevator and runner was like, that's fine. The words come out of your mouth into a baby's ears. That baby's going to hear worse than me. You don't want to change your act for a baby. They finally released a gang of photos that show how devastating it was. landscape changing house removing shit

1:01:06 This is incredible, man. The pictures are insane. What state is next door? Isn't that insane? They finally made it I remember we were there, and we were there for a gig, and we went driving around, and we went down to this shelter. Right. In a second. My property's been in the family for The mountaintop starts at his house. Yeah. It's not forever. That spot's the ocean now.

1:05:05 That's my spot. Thank you, Susan Summers. Is it a humbling thing? Because look, when you talk about beach towns, they're always super chill. you've got to have a lot of money to live there, You know? It's called Mission or Omission, which makes more sense. With a machine? And honor. BevMo needs to step up their game when it comes to that. They should be,

1:07:33 I guess. Look, Is it like the Costco of only drinks? It's awesome. And they put their name on it. they manufacture it themselves. This is So I started off with Trader Joe's. Oh, that's great. They're like, we got some good $6 wines, dickhead. Lazy bitch. Lazy bitch can't even commit to Well, I have to go right here to do another podcast. I'll buy a...

1:10:22 Two-buck chuck and a nice bottle of wine. That's ridiculous, isn't it? are bringing, I brought my own wine. I think I can, but I don't think I care either. I could easily do that. taste test for people just walking in and out, and it's supposed to inspire people to I don't know. Deep down, I didn't want to work. Well, I showed up and I tried. Is Coke even threatened by Pepsi at this point?

1:12:56 and you say, can I get a Coke? Quite a bit. Between the can, Hey, hey, hey, easy. Yeah, there's a difference, right? Me too. What kind of fucking meat things are in a generic version? No, test. Five Guys Burger is an easy one. over the other ones. or something like that? I'm gluten free, You get protein style. Oh, you're afraid of bread? in the trash can and start eating that burger. No, the bread tastes good. That's the problem. Once you get it, you'll eat it. Well, you know what's not allergic to gluten is the fucking trash can. Throw that bread in the trash can and start eating that burger.

1:15:14 And see how long it takes before I feel it again. That seems silly. There's a lot of cleansing going on. I wonder, do you think the food pyramid is still probably the healthiest diet? food pyramid is almost all like grains the 50s or whatever the fuck it was, it's not the and more durable. Is this the gay food pyramid? And when was this created? more carbohydrates and protein,

1:17:46 Yeah, that's a long-ass time ago, man. I'm trying to cut back, avoid gluten in my diet. That's the highest level since the company added gluten consumption to the surveys. and pasta's delicious they're talking shit about us, dude. Hey, Time Magazine, it's not the calories, But, I mean, it clearly makes you, like, sluggish and tired as shit and fat, too.

1:20:06 expansion of the low-carb trend. Unlike a dietary modification that affects only a fraction of the And to deny that is silly. To deny some people have a reaction to it and to deny that is silly that's gotta be better on each side. Positive energy! psyching yourself up sometimes those motherf those motherfuckers, those magnets. Injuries that I've had for years are all healing up.

1:22:17 and they kind of stick with it, right? Yeah. No. basically adjusting their weight making it more difficult or making it more easy right and someone motherfucking Goldberg, my partner in the UFC What do you got there, man? And then I wear the rubber band. Go ahead, do it. It's the gym bracelet that makes it harder to move his arms. And now we'll just do the same thing again.

1:25:53 This shit works. The guys that were selling them? Some of them were holograms. or he's supposed to lift me up? like it's going to do magic to you. There's different companies out there that do use them. they don't work. Do you care about that? I'm mostly opening, but I think people want to come see. some UFC shit today and drank two liters Your neonatractive infections,

1:28:55 Your neonatractive? The shooter guy. That's true. How many people were there 50 years ago here? When Don Draper had a job. Listen. Who's got that? I've never done that. Crazy. Where are you from? They're on the same road and there's a car with us. You have two humans. And admitted over a podcast I'm two people cocksucker I don't want to get a... Doing gigs?

1:33:10 That's not bullshit. is madness. And they're in the car I meant every trip. Maybe he's listening to this podcast right now. The train has Wi-Fi. in the middle Yeah, it goes all the way Yeah, that drive to Irvine. at Irvine Improv one of those man it sucks that Louisville went under. That place is beautiful. I was so bummed out when that place went under.

1:35:34 This is why I'm asking. Absolutely. but it does for a while too yeah Super intimate. Getting more people. Where have you been touring, man? Yeah Tacoma You know, Starbucks. I don't know. Get on it, bitch. I'm not going to go on stage cold. They're not valuable anymore. They're pests. just, people lose their meaning. Yeah. They're not valuable anymore.

1:38:14 a little smaller. Tacoma's awesome. Yeah. those? Those old you can't get in any kind of trouble whatsoever well the real question is do they have the and they weren't going to go after them. Right. And for the federal government, it's always illegal. Right. How do you know this? Some places. I heard half of them have cell phones. Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring.

1:42:04 There was this dude that used to train at my old school, Taekwondo school, that was you go in with the best of intentions you're walking out a total dickhead what with questionable For 10 hours. The jungle. into the Amazon Avoid all the bugs, I like the way you think, boy. Oh. I mean real weapons. But I did it anyways. There's a real problem with some small, like, we were in Pittsburgh once,

1:45:12 know what i mean he did a whole bit about old people driving it was yeah took the wind out of Yeah. Oh, hell yeah, man. tampons right that that joke has been done literally more times than people have bought tampons. You can still do original shit on all this Because doing that podcast with Tony But when you do it in front of a Not only that they're probably like crazy

1:47:58 know comics who fuck themselves by That's just what I was used to doing for the first three years, let's say. That's my whole Live at Gotham that's not going to work. I'm glad I Absolutely. I'm still going through it. Like just to get that 45 that appeals to everybody, But that's so important, man. I like to know this guy's headlining for a week, you know, and I've never even heard of him. Right. He's at a club, and I go, who's that guy? I like that. Yeah. I like to know that this guy's headlining for a week,

1:50:16 Right. The Ice House. That's a real comedy history place. between the, and put them on my Instagram old headshot that you've never seen before. Usually they have a whole wall for that nowadays. when you just look back at old pictures and look back One of the biggest issues is mortality. That's me in the 90s. I'm 30. Well, yeah. I don't care what project you're working on.

1:53:26 the next day for this stupid studio. did you see if you didn't like it about things Get the fuck out of here! Joey will get fucking mad at you What did he get mad at you about? This is the fucking Comedy Store. You got a receding hairline. I love this motherfucker, you're the funniest motherfucker on the planet. For some reason, he assaulted Brian White.

1:56:04 Yeah, but that's the thing. It was pot luck. So pot luck is all about ripping the audience liked it. I didn't take it too personally. We said it on stage. Yeah, but that's the thing. It doesn't even exist anymore. Yeah, he probably forgot But he doesn't have any room That's what it was. I'll put you in the box, He's a classic human being. So you guys are like two weekends after that, right?

1:57:23 Yeah. Like, the setup is going to be nice. They know how to do it. to open up comedy clubs? wouldn't be fucking The food's fucking good. What's going on? There's a lot of drunks. It might have been Callan. He might have been so high that he thought there was a balcony. Because I don't know. It might have been Callan. It was Tom Segura. Don't get me wrong.

2:00:06 People getting drunk texting each other. Like a drunk text started the chain of events that led to conception. Over the past 10 years, I would say most hookups start that way. social media, Facebook, and shit like that, Hmm. I think that's going to go down, and I'm not excited about it either. for i just want to talk to you just a little bit at a time.

2:02:20 You're like, okay, what are we doing here? OMG. There's a two-dimensionality to it. And they go, all right. Absolutely. subject or a thing is incredibly indulgent incredibly indulgent and not entertaining Oh, my God. Are you really laughing out loud? You know, it's weird. We've met a lot of really fun people here. to a better spot say listen cool people this is what we're all gonna do I think

2:06:16 It's funny that you say that because I'm at the So instead go to Phoenix, Arizona. Yeah, you bring your weed to Phoenix, are insane. And then you wind up with private prisons It's stupid. and you should be a nice person who's trying to keep nice people safe and There just comes a deficit that you reach. Castro? So terrifying that humans are capable of becoming a guy like that or murdered he he could have been murdered too but i mean he

2:09:16 So somebody got married, a 38-year-old got married Is there anything left? Have you seen that inflatable missile that isn't just useful for invading Iraq, it's also good for blowing up tiny pirate boats. There's kids in Africa that don't even have boats, Which one's that? The Ethiopians. They take over with the guns like look at me look at me and start fucking shooting white people.

2:12:10 There's a guy finished Grand Theft Auto V in one 38-hour sitting. Somebody that doesn't like to have fun just trying to beat it. So what does he say about it? You're not going to go get a game that makes you do yoga. It says so. The idea that people think, oh, you know, violent video games are making children violent. You're standing there watching some shit go down in front of you.

2:14:00 No. Look, man, not everybody can do a three-hour podcast as I get up the fourth time to pee. Junior Dos Santos versus Cain Velasquez? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That place is beautiful, man. it's not like any other sporting event. Then you sold the tickets? You have no idea how good these seats are. Did they sit next to you? I did. The good deed I am at How's it The Full Charge? Some kid

2:16:45 It's a tricky one. Thanks to our sponsors. Thanks to, Uh, charge has left the building, ladies and gentlemen.