Joe Rogan Experience #395 — Kathleen Madigan Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Get a new iPad. Yeah. they have a different processor and they kind of windows computers got a bunch of different shit you got shoved in it didn't always work perfectly because of that. Same as Windows computers. I found out that that is people's text messages, like all the photos and videos. So like, if you can't just clear all you can't really all maybe i think you can delete them all let's see uh edit oh yeah you could just go down

2:41 Meaning, like today, Apple just released a new software update for their iPhone. Makes sense. if you're going to get the full benefits out of it, right? Now that you've heard phone 101. I think it's huge it's like a mini iPad at the Sprint store yeah It does this insanely high definition video right off the camera. You can change a channel. That shit's going to happen.

5:26 And it rang. Yeah. Yeah. Football. I watch baseball. No, arounds for restaurants. Well, sometimes it says you have to do it in a figure eight. But I did it and it worked. Yelp is nice too because you get to see the reviews. Yelp is the kingdom of the cunts. Yeah. It's a big, giant-ass screen. little tiny computers now. Like Google gets glass. like when you're born

8:18 Oh you put the lens... well I already have contact so I put the lens over my lens? I bet they just make it so that, you know. I mean, it's just like a contact lens. that work so much better. Yeah, well, I would do that. now she has 20 20 vision what is an ocular implant uh yeah i don't really know except that they put That's not real, though. But they have a different retinal implant that can lead blind people to see.

11:29 at nighttime They literally are going to have At some point, though, What happened? and your life experiences, and your past. No. I think that life today is filled with so many fascinating things that you can do, I sleep when I have to sleep. Sleeping is one of the most important things a person can do. I mean, he did it. I think that it's really important to get at least six.

14:35 Look at these really smart people, like Bill Clinton, you know, Rhodes Scholar guy, and it's five hours. pills? That helps. You leave early in the morning. And mortality. It's like everything got done in the night Well, that's one of the reasons is that they think you're taking a psychedelic trip when you're dreaming. We've talked about this before.

16:44 yeah but it's really worth it. So I recommend just like a half or a quarter even. Yeah, that's not a big deal. Like, it just... Sped up. Does he smoke? Forever. It's me, Mark, and Canada. Greg Rogel? him on one of those He's one of those guys where I'm like, how come people don't know who that guy is? Well, I also think he's not a big traveler. I don't know.

20:34 That's funny. Resides in New York City. I just want to say hi, buddy. Yeah, it was torture. And they had some good people. This is crazy. some sort of a reality show with comedians some some sort of an organized reality show Right, right, right, yeah. Really easy. Yeah. Which was weird, too, And they just kept saying, Although Todd's such a good actor, we could have pulled it off and to go, okay. But I go, yeah, I'm not going to fight with people just to amuse you. I'm not going to pick a fight with Todd. Although Todd's such a good actor, we could have pulled it off to go, okay.

23:42 They'll use you as a pawn to do this. Oh, yeah, I remember that. Me and John have Ron's biggest issue. I said, first of all, it was never in the contract that there would be no alcohol here. Yeah, and I don't even know about the pot people. You guys have bitched so much. It's... And we had the greatest people, Andy Kindler, Greg Giraldo, like, you know, all these guys that are super smart, super funny.

26:08 The idea in their head is that everything is scripted talking to your grandparents. Nope. Just go do your special. Yeah, they were awesome. And then how many times are you going to show it after that? But the arrogance of the networks is what is going to kill them. They assume what they have is so special, you're not going to duplicate that online.

28:06 No, they go home and watch iPad. Go download whatever you want. When it starts, like they see some of these YouTube channels that people just create, A rigid old idea. because none of this matters. It's fucking hard. It's not just brutal. We'd get the script then. it was a smooth, oiled machine by then but in the beginning it's I'm completely, you've worn me down.

31:21 I've got some pretty good ideas. It gives you these incredible boners. Let's see what really gets him hard. Yeah, they wanted it to be called make me stiff. It was a sad, sad cock. This guy's going to be humiliated kids are like homeless people, and they go, Fucking hobos. With wino It's what they are My sister's got kids. It's stupid. I don't have any material about riding the rails.

35:08 No, it's just wino. I sought pleasure in that bottle. I don't know why they did it. Because there was no jobs. They were building fires. Yeah, like at least he has enough to write in a life because he traveled, he met friends, In Northampton yeah Can you put up... ominously standing around in a creepy driveway, I would immediately It's just he talks as him, and he's like, I'm not going to harm anyone.

38:36 That's what somebody's. No. I'm over here. Boom! And he'd fall over, and With Mrs. Huygens, with the secretary. The guy from Rocky Horror Picture Show. That's what he calls himself. Yeah, wow. ready to fucking blow a gasket and go full postal. Yeah, yeah. I bet he's just a crazy guy, man. They're not even reaching puberty yet. becomes this, becomes that.

41:51 I'll Google it. I'll find it. Okay, I'm a big fan of the Discovery ID channel. They're selling cookies? they sell. And they're products, aren't they? You're very one direction sensitive What you can get away with, that it not being a crime, this clown has We can't make him stop it. Yeah, well, the fact that his Facebook page has it, has the Tim Curry version of Stephen King's character.

44:06 Totally freak people out. Yeah, they want to make it a little bit more accessible to people that like clowns. and we're going to make you sing them. They were staying at some hotel and I went to the hotel to go to their spa to get a pedicure. They're like, oh my god, oh my god. and he gets in your car and goes home with you. Take me to your home. You're 8 years old. You know, you can't fuck guys

46:31 to do run run. To do run run. Yeah. Well, he's more sane. What went wrong, David? I thought it was a pretty big gig. He just got a DUI like two weeks ago. Al Michaels, I mean, this, You just played right into their hand. The DUI mugshot. Yeah. What did I say? He's 63? He was cuffed and jailed. Oh, that's hardcore. Not Comedy Central, then it went somewhere else.

50:21 You shouldn't write books like this. Jodie Foster, Ron Howard. You're like a young, young, young guy. I don't know what his deal is, but he's a weird guy. what happened to it fucking candy bar winner But people like to do that. I heard that movie didn't do so good. goes away, and now the money is gone. No, but it begins with an S. No. I don't know.

53:13 Starfire. Yeah, that didn't really. I'll just dim the lights. I don't know. You know, guys just trying to make a living. Gary Coleman as a security guard? Those are the people that you get attached to. His parents stole from him, too, didn't they? Why is it going to be two of these dudes? Did he quit? drinking and walking. True. A love boat. street, that's one thing. But if you're Warren

57:04 You're below me me I'm above you he couldn't help himself Do you do it at night? Do joke with it? Do you at night? I like to go to pharmacies, 24-hour pharmacies, really late at night. And so, like, sometimes when you go through them, like, you'll see some shit. I thought this was the best reason ever. And I thought, well, he does have a point. I think you should be able to give it back.

59:30 You might as well just call the cops at that point. You do it. and you don't talk to a person. Someone needs some drugs. Yeah, somebody needs nicotine. Someone's got a problem. Buy that shit on Amazon. It's so cheap. Someone needs some drugs. What? bullshitting. And not to mention, LA is one come right to your house and drop it off. Why don't you Google

1:01:00 Just Google it, bitch. Right. He just loves to eat out. pig heaven. I mean, I can't. Yeah. Yeah. And then, you know, it's 80th floor, pressing a button. You can't drive me to the hospital I Uber all my heart attacks. It's crazy. The deck is probably as big as the actual apartment, which is awesome. And his apartment for New York is actually quite, well, it's one bedroom, one office, and a big deck.

1:04:38 He's not too high, though. You're almost like in a vortex. Such an odd place. which I never thought I even cared about light Yeah. terrible during thunderstorms. Thunder at night when you're sleeping. What? Yeah, you go one Mississippi, two. But yeah, there's a way to actually tell. And so, like, I would see this bright flash of light and I'd be like, one, two.

1:07:34 weird i took pictures of my camera and i'm like man is this camera already broken because there Whoa. And probably the Middle East, the heat has something to do with it too. Yeah. Yeah. And I said, that's weird because you're Jewish. Like this swelling that wouldn't go away for no reason i thought maybe i was like god did i get bitten by Yeah, it looks amazing.

1:09:52 I can only imagine what it's like in the summer when it's 130. Orange. It's like the moon. But to plant yourself there, It does. And he was doing gigs, and he came out here, and he's like, will you take me to a dermatologist? Nothing. think it's crazier to look like Hitler. But still. Oh, I can't. Oh, he's the greatest. How is that not funny? How do you not buy

1:13:16 They don't know. They're called Kittlers. They're called Kitt kitlers they're called kitlers okay we've seen enough brian loves stupid cats me too i i I'm going to do this. Yeah. Right. And I think he still, a lot of his people came to him through that. You can't send some of them out on the road alone. You'd have to send a handler or something because they,

1:16:06 It's going to last. so it was wild to see that. Well, he's entertaining. Not in a bad weird as Jay. Well, he's entertaining. I tried to. I love John Heffron. Books? Ill thought out. And there's somebody in a, because we were in some castle up in the Brentwood Canyon anymore. I don't care enough to But they would bring you back because somebody like broke their leg, I think, or something.

1:19:10 You can't. They're filming all the time. So you couldn't masturbate? So Tammy and I shared a room, Pescatelli, and we would write notes on the toilet paper. That's insane. Like when you get a Patty Hearst, when you brainwash people. This will be fun. I judged the one after that. He hosted it when I judged it, yeah. The challenges were so degrading.

1:21:42 I just, we would never do that in stand-up comedy. in one of the tour buses before he was a comic. if it's Dolly Parton's home? If I think I saw it, I have the original star map. it had 13 million people watching it per episode in summer. Because it's TV. Hasn't. You know, I loved Paula. Your second song And then to let her go, I'm like, uh. It just so happened that we were looking for

1:25:07 And the dead chupacabra last week. But it was really fresh. What are you saying? Yeah, there it is. you may want to look away. The story contains some graphic images. He brought it down here and showed it to me, on its paws and a build u is probably more likely a wild dog or coyote with mange What the fuck? And that that guy looks exactly like Dale Earnhardt Jr.

1:29:12 Well, what's interesting is they found really recently in America, they found jaguars that have made it up from South America. Or in Arizona. No, more dangerous than a mountain lion. Fucking giant They found that close to the United States border Look, here's another one. I go, careful of the javelinas. They're in New Mexico, too. No paperwork. Wow.

1:31:54 it's a big cat Okay. I don't have the sound on Yeah, it just did it. It gave me an answer right there. Yeah. I don't know how the sound on there. That's a big fucking cat. Yeah. But I saw it bounding across the street. and i said what is that and i saw this thing coming towards the t-box and it was sauntering I'm like, I don't really think if you don't know how to do that,

1:34:41 They're having a really hard time finding the pythons. same record. They broke the world record. I was in South Carolina, Kiowa, golfing with Lou, and there's alligators everywhere. They dominate a pond, and then if any new alligators come to their pond, they just eat them. A caiman. He doesn't have spots, though. There's actually a couple of YouTube videos.

1:36:30 I mean, I wouldn't want to see it. I'm going to drag it out of the water. Wow. The only reason why they don't is because they don't do it all the time. It's a Thursday special. That's what that movie The Ghost in the Darkness was about. Oh. Jaguar eats capybara. these giant rats it's like fuck them up look this. Look how creepy that motherfucker is when he's moving.

1:39:05 He just got it by the face, man. There's a great one where he gets it in the water. No, Santa Barbara. Way bigger. Oh my God, look at these people in the back. A giant rat that he's going to swim to shore and eat. It doesn't give a flying fuck that there's two boats there with cameras and guns and they, you can see the kind of, When you're in the jungle in the Amazon, apparently it's the most terrifying thing because they're everywhere.

1:41:26 You either die on your own or I kill you. Right. We're basically made out of butter. Seal shoes? No. Australian leather seal. This might be bullshit. Can you make leather out of seal? leather seals. It's all back to the Aragon seal skin. Seal skin is something they use. and leather because they yeah it's on Nat Geo too meat, they sell seal meat, The amount of seal meat landed in 2002 was extremely low, in part because the hunt was

1:45:32 That's like what everybody's mad about. If you need to go club a seal, then I think you got it. You've got to act like a pork chop. There's a family that lives in an igloo. And he's not afraid of bears? They wanted as far away from possible. Right. We don't want to be around any other people. I don't want to live like that, but I get it. We need some Diet Coke.

1:48:48 He's a trapper Covered in this white snow You were talking about He's like eating like a full... You know, Lestroud, like, they wanted Lestroud to do all this fake shit. Just to, like... Wow. like, they stopped watching it. Man vs. of fake. That's not what you would do if you were surviving. presented to bear to show the viewer how to survive. Desert Island in

1:51:34 They made up all of it. Look it up. You did believe? Oh, it's Animal Planet. That's the website. They had a guy from the Navy. My friend Lorene, though, her husband Tony is a scientist. I cannot believe they took an hour out of my life. They're like, yeah, let's pretend it's real. you would sit down on television are liars. it was the Weaponized Weather episode.

1:54:27 I could say, I don't like this, or we've got to take this out. And it was crazy. So I called them up and read them the riot act. lie in it, you know, and it's supposed to be a show about finding the truth. snapping at the door there's no real wolves there man as you made this up they do it all the time That's why it's good. Oh, yeah. I believe him.

1:56:59 Yeah, he's awesome. Oh, they're out there. That's a myth. Well, where did a myth start? he talks to the locals. Pull that shit up. until they actually just recently found one. Oh, my God. It's pulled across your body. Here, I'll pull it up. Yeah. The fucking ocean is Look at that thing. identified as a type of jellyfish it's you see its underside it It has this weird testy area where its balls are.

2:00:21 Because the best photographs of it are bullshit. The guy who said that he wasn't in it but then said he was was the guy who actually wore the suit himself. crab like arms but this, it comes close. Oh, yeah. So many jellyfish will fuck you up. of her neck. Wow. Yeah, NPR had the answer for what it is, that it's some type of a jellyfish. Right, so what's making that?

2:03:17 Seriously, it's on an educational channel. squid that has these How much to go down there and weld? Yeah, right? Yeah. Well, not escher but uh geiger hr geiger yeah yeah jesus christ i mean we don't know And they're totally friendly. At any moment, the lions can be released and eat you. She got her arm ripped off by a shark. We'd be like, well, look, there's not that many werewolves.

2:06:11 We would have people out there making sure that they stood guard They're assholes. Doesn't everything in Australia kill you, though? Don't be scared. You gotta get yourself a fucking regular iPhone. A long snake. You know, my dad used to tell us that when we were kids, and we didn't believe him. get out of this. They want to get It looks like a brand. That's insane.

2:08:55 That looks like that'd be permanent. Yeah. Yeah. And those are the ones that are in Australia? 57 species of sea snakes. Yeah. I would say they're only really in Australia, right? Oh, it's extremely rare. A hunter was killed when he tried to rescue People are also saying the government Looking to bite. And they could... They terrify me. are you out of your fucking mind?

2:12:00 and shoot rockets the toxic saliva, they fall to the ground, and then they start eating them guts first. I think it's Komodo Islands. and it's one of the reasons why they were really concerned that it works on everything, but it doesn't work on everything. When you put lizards on an island, they get fucking big. You see him? I mean. Islands of Indonesia. Some of the islands, no. Some of the islands... So people live there amongst them. Yeah. Islands of Indonesia.

2:14:16 Bullets, normal shit. He got bit, right? He got divorced. Truth of all, you guys are super Little Whistle. and you have like several yards of really strong rope, you can unravel that thing and you have several yards You can use it for survival. Unless you were just a gangster with a rope. reptile's cage at the L.A. Zoo. Let's take a private tour of the animal's

2:16:44 that the lizard was fed on a diet of white rats on Bronstein's foot and became thrashing its body to and fro. and I'm going to come in there, Oh, my God. inside this thing's mouth. And I do agree that there's an educational aspect to having crocodiles and lizards and things that your kids can see. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I don't want them here, but to these small islands, these motherfuckers

2:20:03 But Komodo dragons are the biggest lizards. I mean, islands where they live, however, the most of which, along with other megafauna, died out after the Pleistocene. They're fucking evil. You think so? Yep. that a guy can hold down, someone's fucked it. Not Asians. Why would you say Asians? For years, Komodo dragons Offenberg, who in the 1970s and interesting. They show that the bacteria

2:23:38 that previous research claimed to be potentially pathogenic. 33 are actually common microbes and unlikely to be the cause of the rapid fatal infection when present in a wound. Let me get to the end here. beasts smelling his foot oh god it's getting right up to him yeah he just They're teenagers. Okay, don't worry. then this enhancing fairy tale would have never come into existence.

2:26:10 Infections are When the water buffalo go stand in the toxic water And anything that goes in that water with a big open sore is just going to fucking die in a couple of days. and then eventually... I would like to be, like you said, fuck you up. Don't be bringing Well, it's Florida. There's a thousand. Like, you're done. People in Florida, And these monkeys

2:28:42 the opening scene And they're fast A thousand of them Mountain lions, panthers, America's finest. You've got my parents and their friends. contest to kill pythons and you win money. kill a python. Isn't that what happens? Yeah. There's more than a million acres of swamps and sawgrass, and they found 68 of these fucking pythons. How many of them are out there?

2:31:29 18, 19 feeders. Footers there. It won't bite then. Right. them in your home. And I'll probably get hate mail A Titanoboa? Yeah. I hate them. What a crazy body, that whole fan thing that it does. And the topic has been the subject of debate ever since The largest, longest reputably measured and confirmed anaconda is the heaviest. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. The largest, longest, reputably measured and confirmed anaconda are 25 feet long.

2:34:38 If it's 150 feet long? That counts. in um you're a Showtime fan oh you'd love it Captain Anakin. Not as, This is just one guy out here. You wish you had someone like that in your life? Yeah. I had too many beers at the bar and I told everybody about the guy. When is your special coming out? Just release it onto the public. I did it. What's it called? Knock it out. Madigan again. Madigan you? Yeah. Without warning. Just release it onto the public.

2:36:50 Madigan again. Madigan again. A lot of people have On Twitter. You can get it. I tweeted it Madigan. and then go fuck yourself. Please go to standuplive.com. It's me, Tom Segura, and Brian Callen tomorrow. And much happiness to