Joe Rogan Experience #401 — Doug Benson Transcript

Transcript

0:00 You're not a health pusher for sure. Yeah. You can get away with it. stand-up and to really get good at it and And then you're not going to just go sit by yourself or go to sleep or We did our show and then we can go to some groovy place. You forget, like, if you're in, like, a real city like Toronto, and you're like, And the people there are always super nice to you

2:13 Yeah. my problem is i can't have a big meal before a show because it just yeah it makes me i literally Well, I stopped eating gluten. allergies to wheat. It's like, it's a serious issue. That is crazy. and strengthened it's funny you said gummy because gum has wheat in it. Yeah. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. Google it up. Which brand to choose? Back in the days before there was chewing gum in the stores,

5:12 Wow. swallowing the excess saliva but not the grains, Well, that's why that shit shouldn't be in your fucking stomach. I think it's about time to stop swallowing gum. I still do that. That's hilarious. Swallow gum? Oh, I'm eating too much gum. I'm in my 40s. I think it's about time to start swallowing gum. But so I just start swallowing gum. You grow a watermelon inside your belly.

6:49 Like a seed can get stuck inside your body. to eat vegetables with every time i have a steak just because i some work out in my head that like for the lumps of steak shit that are going to come Hemp has a tremendous amount of protein in it. What's his name? can be free range. or they go to sleep at night and they just sit there. is totally on the egg tip. They eat eggs? Yeah. Oh, that's good. That's good. Everyone

10:13 That's an LA vegan. I'm going to die hard to the point of And he's eating vegan. He's a funny dude, too. You know, like it's why I take the fun out of what we're doing by like insisting on, you know. I'm not saying that they... Yeah. Well, that's interesting. Mm-hmm. Yeah. and just talk shit fucking idea Doug, do you ever have any problems? Because that, to me, is just, once you've had a few shots, then it's just like, then

14:05 So I don't always get there. But I also, like Joe was saying about how people just sort of like I'm having fun. He's going to ride that boat right into the fucking rocks. It's more alcohol. That's one thing. where he completely understands you know that understands that this is who he is. He always ate super healthy. He is a nut. probably one of the funniest guys ever that whole show was full of them but yeah

17:20 apologetic i was like i don't mean to be this up yeah but he was killing me he if I used to smoke weed back then and I was And if I did, it was always drinking. Comedians are weird when it comes to our want to change our consciousness. fuck with that stuff i've never even i've never, I haven't either. Oh, you guys are missing out. because if I did love it,

19:54 As he hits the pipe. I, Yeah. See, that's why I don't understand why anyone before here and there. Not too much. Right. No. That reminds me. smoking from it first, so something is up. It's super tasty. Did you see that thing? I know Joe is really, you're always conscious of it. Way quicker. Yeah, I do that. So like I just train myself to like I just sit there and play and I never touch my face.

23:43 This is the real kombucha. If I'm out to dinner, I'm like, do I have a water or a Diet Coke? That's all right. I would? We have those. I was trying to figure out which one to go. But it's much healthier than Yoo-Hoo? raw and when you get that my god is it good raw coconut water is fucking sensational but you don't Is it better for the environment, those cardboard things?

25:50 But you shouldn't go over much with meat. No, they just sent us free shit. Oh, that's Yeah, it's super delicious. Do you have them as a sponsor yet? No, no, they just send us free shit. and they feed it back to their babies, You used to always have to tear them apart something online, like especially do Garbage Patch, and we were calling it an and little particles that are floating around it.

28:07 It's right next to New York City. And we just go, get out of there. If it was clean, if you were in New York and it was clean, and all the fucking oil Imagine if that was like all the way up to these coasts. to hide it from see you clear eyed. But people just assume. I'm not going to lie about that. I have all these shows that I book myself, because normally if I wanted you to do one of my podcasts,

31:08 You didn't love doing it. is it's just we start at 4 15 pacific Because nothing like watching a stoner watch a magic trick. That's why you hate that one show, Punk'd Is that it? 182? Sorry. and he was like ready to go. But I'm like, You know, he was ready. wanted to protect his uh reputation but i forget who it was now, but he said a professional athlete

33:41 And it just fucks you up. Dude, Hulk Hogan's a giant. He just combed his hair with his little brush the whole time. He's had a gang of back surgeries and all sorts of other stuff go wrong with him You know, to be here with Joe Mania, Now, I understand that you have recently announced a partnership with TNA Wrestling and its president, Dixie Carter.

35:22 Maybe if I figured if I kept doing them so badly smoke weed on camera. You're probably like, it's some sort of wrestling with initials. If he choked your head and then let you go like that, that's dangerous. And then wouldn't even think that there was anything wrong with fucking you up He's like sitting on the curb crying at one point. to what we did on Fear Factor so I really should shut the fuck up like we

37:32 you know what? That's bullshit. It was an act of aggression. But it's still, like, anybody who says that, it's like, well, for now. Well, I saw him at a comedy festival, so, of course, hanging out with the other comics. You want to be present for your children. Yeah. I'm like, so? And, you know, smoking all the time just helps me to just relax and not worry about shit so much.

40:05 I've got so many ideas right now. No, I think it's very beneficial. Like, there's some days where I'll wake up and I'll sit around for a while TSA is going to let people bring weed on planes. you're good to go. Imagine if you did that. They're looking for weapons. think that they're looking for weapons more than looking for anything but i go to the airport a lot

43:02 For real. makes sense. It's fucking ridiculous. are Hispanic and black, There's nothing to do with what we're talking about. being in your jails, and spending money to try to promote laws that would keep people from getting It's really fucking strange. profound disability. Like, they can just treat you as a subhuman and put you in a cage. He's either going to go out and do that sort of thing

46:52 Like, what's going on here? other country. And it's by far, it's not just by a small margin. Oh, it's a massive amount. trapped in this horrible school system, what, you don't know how to read. You're fucked. Your whole situation's fucked. That should never be taking place and everybody's like and just like kicking back and getting the money. the system is set up to keep the poor to create more poor.

50:07 This is a very rare situation like that where a rapper can go from being in an impoverished neighborhood to being an A celebrity, like a Jay-Z guy who's a great A. And when you don't have any guide, that you're psychotic, you're abusive, They don't want to hear it. and coaches and people that were happy to be working We don't take care of that. You know nice white people that live in nice neighborhoods that have never really experienced anything horrible like that

53:05 and you know people creates people that can't help themselves it doesn't have to be it's not it does There was a lot of complaints about that kind of shit. somebody to supply all It's like, what the hell? They can't arrest you. Yeah, and it's probably happening in California, in El Paso. That sounds like a disaster. Here's one of those. They went up 50%.

56:21 Is this a new sponsor that you're not talking about? on dates no no the girls the girls oh you're saying more girls are going there more girls They're starting to panic because Obama is saying stuff like we might go into a worse recession than the one we were just in. They're saying it's sudden. and what you do is... No. No. Anyway, my point is, do you think that there's

59:07 I don't want to say Well, if the guy's nice. just because... because I have Yeah, yeah. It is possible. So they both get something out of it. When you meet someone and you see that they're struggling and you help them, Now the scammers will start coming out. I'm like, oh, I'll try to help these people. things but well do you remember coney remember coney no that's one of the examples where people

1:02:17 I saw posters. with guys like that i think so i think that's what part of it was is like you know oh sure that's dude used to take off all his clothes and run naked and fucking children that he ate. Ate their hearts. People are trying to, you know, they're trying to. Where this guy, General Butt Naked, was talking about how he knows what human flesh tastes like.

1:04:42 that that's way crazier than Thunderdome two men and but I haven't watched it yet because it just sounds so horrible Oh, is that what it is? Yeah, and could that ever change? Probably. Maybe debatable. Somalia. They all started doing that because these fucking guys had no fish anymore. So they were like, fuck fishing. Yeah, that's right triggered out with submachine guns.

1:08:32 Exactly. What was it, 93? No, I haven't seen it. Yeah. Because it's one of those things where the movie just has to get me to a point where i believe what's happening in the movie It's really interesting. when he said that it was a good movie yeah it's a fun movie but you know a lawyer goes to any movie Me like mysteries of gravity nearly all satellites order orbit earth west to east yet all satellite debris

1:11:17 Mysteries of Gravity. Because you're talking about fucking science, and he's an astrophysicist. Right. in our universe, this didn't really happen. In the alternate so she kind of looks like Peter Pan floating around. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. my friend, Billy Gardell. So, yeah, I think she's very funny, but I didn't see that Identity Thief movie that she was in because it got such bad reviews.

1:13:45 like really over the top, that's part of the problem better than others. Jason Bateman's been in a lot of crappy comedies, but there's hardly a funnier comedic actor. Really? It ain't that hard. That shit's never happened once, top most of the time but if you gave him a role where it was actually acting i bet he could pull but also that performances could be gotten by good directors.

1:16:21 because what actors are winning roles where they don't look or he's playing a real life person. No one got to audition to play Raging Bull. the first person even though he's still I don't like B, C, and D very much. was a really subtle role and it was a role where the entire movie was basically i don't want to say go to my Twitter and Wait till you hear John Wayne as Genghis Khan.

1:19:04 Listen to me. There are moments for wisdom, Jamoga, Tomorrow in Urga, I make gift of it to Wang Khan Yeah, they didn't have trailers back then, did they? that John Wayne says as Genghis Khan. where it's like English or American actors He'll just talk in his voice. and he speaks French a lot in it. Yeah, I highly recommend watching it. I'll tell you who's all in it right now.

1:22:31 What was it called again? Who are the other two? Was there a girl on the team or a super nerd? who's like the most elegant black guy? Don't they have to get in somewhere? It says the 74th annual Academy Awards. You should save that as a drop, like one of those corny morning zoos do do do do they're getting a Nobel Prize. They might be more responsible for changing the way we perceive the universe

1:25:22 We're weird as fuck. Like man scientist out there The girl that's married to Salman Rushdie. Oh, really? stars hanging around some superstar astrophysicist guy who's creating fucking laser beams and shit Wow. Yeah. Rail gun invented. They would just load up a brick and fucking punch it through this fucking thing. and it just punches right through this fucking steel wall check this shit out it's like the

1:28:41 And then this was the round that we launched downrange. And goes seven someone was sucking his dick. He demands new and terrifying ways Well, it's not super gory, And the guy drives the truck off, Akbar. This fucking gigantic missile You want to watch it? The guy brings an emotional needs pit bull on planes. It's nice that your dog's nice and you love him.

1:31:53 that they're just killing, like, piles of them a day, you know, at the pounds and stuff. Yeah. It's like older dudes on, you know, that have low T. If you're a responsible dog owner, you know that your dog's not going to breed. Is there a way to avoid that? No, no, no, no, no. Not Wednesday. he was like going down the stairs and yiping in pains i thought he'd like broken a hip or something

1:34:11 Like, my dog's so horny, he's crying? I carried him to the car, because I thought he was broken meanwhile he's just horny that's yeah that's You don't want to put your dick in anything you're calling a pot Have you been paying attention It's a big old mess. could they fucking like, if this really I don't know how it's possible. I'm not trying to be naive that they have to represent their constituents and that they

1:36:58 I know that a lot of business owners don't like. And in the case of this, it just really feels like if Obamacare is fully implemented, then current administration needs to be stopped at any cost. It feels like what's going on. Do you guys understand the Obamacare at all? of it now. But it doesn't start like trying to tell young people, that they basically have just flipped the script.

1:40:07 It's really fascinating that they're allowed to do that. smoking marijuana for They almost can say that, man. All this manipulation, the changing of the opinion of the culture, Yeah, it's a really small number. for that. Well, Bernie Madoff, you can't really connect to And there's also people that recognized that because of the political money that they put

1:42:40 We're going to need some money, and we're sorry about this, and don't worry about it. Fucking bonuses. So much money. You just start thinking about, This is after they were already making millions Everyone needs to pay. Why? something. It's the response Alright, because she came out and did a When she got But he's only having her on I don't know I don't know

1:45:42 I don't know you were talking to fuck I can't oh my god Yeah, it's got a good beat. Do you like the hooded figure with the cocktail shaker? I don't know, man. She had to do something to hook that motherfucker. He gave up. doesn't have lyrics. He's a good actor. I mean, he's big, show, isn't it? were in a room together and you I did a few of those like that where I would read Twitter and there's a couple things I was just going to talk about.

1:49:32 the video, because it wasn't Bill, it was a fan and then they made the video these fan-created videos. And within two minutes, three people had photoshopped his eyes onto James Woods, and every picture was creepy as fuck. Are you allowed to have naked stuff on Twitter? There's pictures of them with dicks in them and stuff. Do they have to be locked? Like, you have to a porn star's page. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. How does that work? There's pictures of them with dicks in them and stuff.

1:51:00 Only your friends can get into it to check it out. I just brought it up as an example about how you can... I don't think so. You'd have to, like, get the rights to the movies and shit like that to do that. You can't just do that. No, they're watching it. Hmm, that might work. Be super fun. You'd have to pay money. You'd have to get the rights to the movies and shit like that to do that.

1:52:19 I talked to this about you about two years ago. I like the live audience element. It's not something I want to do necessarily. I'll find out. and the people who listen to that Is that what happens? Yeah. to deal with any more legal what if he has friends and he tells everybody, Don't be a pussy and no wheat. patent trolls. I don't know. He was on a recurring character on the last season of Justified. How is that?

1:55:52 Probably because the movie was the most popular movie based on his novels, probably Get Shorty. and have just lots of clever dialogue A number of Stephen King books? Salem's Lot. or how good some of his books were, not a they don't have a lot in common other than a family staying at a hotel over the winter yeah the transformation was much more much more slow in the book the transformation of Jack to Jack Nicholson yeah Jack Nicholson

1:58:01 about all the hidden messages in The Shining. and this was his fun when they're moving around from room you know, the way the whole place is laid out doesn't make sense. talking about these theories the the entire movie is just clips from the shining and then clips from And he claims that they used it to film certain scenes in the moon landings and he can prove it.

2:00:48 you know, and why would there be a poster for skiing anybody on the set just put that poster there because it was an ugly blank wall or something. And I'm pretty sure the distance between the Earth and the moon varies. They're not editing the original one. I think it's just going to be a straightforward telling They took a coffee shop, Carrie did this? The movie Carrie?

2:02:44 If you just clean it up, it'll be fine. Okay, automatically I would start laughing. That's how you feel, Brian. You know, it's an interesting book. what it was like to go to the prom. He didn't know whether or not And then she said, stick with this. The distance varies from the Earth to the Moon So it does. Boom. I think that goes. Because they do that

2:05:23 I think his I to me it's just gonna be and you see different things in the writing because of different performances. And that's the original Carrie. like do you think sissy spacek is ugly and I said no she's not ugly but she's I forgot about the split screen shit. Weird movie. When you talk about a girl going crazy and psycho, she'll go Carrie on you.

2:08:29 and he wrote back. But it was well known that at the time that came out, he hated it. and so he wasn't an engaging central character. Like, it, like, Pennywise looked cool, Books, you let it sort of unravel in your day. the Stand miniseries was terribly good. Like if I'm really excited about a movie, she's better than all of them. Yeah, she's very pale.

2:11:10 but I don't think people go to see movies because it was a badass movie. why they are now bankable stars you know like when they hired sandra bullock for speed that you know Keanu Reeves fat. Fat and old on Suicide Watch. judging from these photos at Cannes. We just outed you, buddy. went nuts on the beach with some palm fronds My other great example is when, see, look at him.

2:14:00 It's great. Yeah, but that's hard to do to chop off that weight that quick. There's a lot of weight like his neck Because you saw the pictures of McConaughey You should never do that. It was incredible. It's pretty bad. He gained all that weight to play Jake LaMotta because you see him walking around, Insanely aggravating personality. where he's walking around.

2:17:01 what's going on around you when you're that skinny? How dare you? Oh, my God. What? So, yeah, it's a swing of 190 from his lowest to his full Batman weight. That doesn't make any sense. Stop reading that source, be that much. Yeah, he's not that big. Yeah, I don't get that. That doesn't make any sense. Oh, this reminds me. Really? stuff because brian brian was hitting on some girls out on the street in San Diego late at night.

2:19:44 But there's one that looks like like that every weekend. What is the deal with San Diego? and a few other places the this the everybody's so drunk and there's cameras following these kids You're going to see something. but, like, on the tv show Brian Cowan. What's really going on here? So he, like, judges acting. He's in great... There was another one where he played...

2:23:27 Check that out tonight. That's a tough one. All right, let's see. It's got 7 two seven point two It's Richard Linklater, the guy who did Days and Confused. No, I know that about you for sure, that you like, whenever I see you raving about a movie, It was so bad. as I defended that that movie wasn't bad. themselves to be But that's different because at least in all these movies that have come out, whether it's a Tom Cruise movie or the Will Smith movie, it's some dystopian future.

2:26:33 It's an interesting ego thing that any actor thinks Yes, yeah, that was an interesting premise. I'm sure he did, yeah. You know, twice a year. Fool me once, shame on you. No. and doing all this shit back in the sky. Yeah. when someone says something really mean or stupid to me, them the attention they want it's like yeah but uh you know i think ignoring it sometimes makes

2:29:29 Like we're not going to have to put up with it. Your dog's got a wide open ass. There's no That's how it's supposed to be. It's not a person. Yes but no and this lady i love had a a giant dog it's like a fucking great daneane. And I'm reading a magazine. I feel a dog's nose touch my hand. I go, what are you doing? You shouldn't have a fucking animal that you can't totally control inside a bookstore.

2:31:30 Emotional support dogs. There's a lady that goes to my restaurant, a restaurant that I go to near my house, This stupid fucking thing is farting in there and licking its own dick. Yeah, that's a good one. Fucking twats. It goes so fast. I just listened to it. Podcast related. when you go over old podcasts yeah that's So you've had so many of these long conversations like if we had to go through and recap what we talked about today

2:34:08 There's also a lot of parts where I don't even remember if this person had been a guest on one of the podcasts I've done before. There's no hard drive space your hard drive is filled up and so you so those are the names you forget they have a motherfucking memory enhancement situation I play the games myself. And also thanks to Squarespace.com. We're also brought to you by Onnit.com.

2:36:00 But I want to thank everybody that came out to the Ontario Improv this past weekend. They love you, Doug Madison. They should do more of that, I think. because someone offered him ranch again the other day. Like people that know who he is just offering him ranch with wings. And he was very mild about it. He wasn some ranch, sir. He's pretty serious. He goes, fucking ranch. I want no fucking ranch.

2:38:00 Can I say that October 31st, I'm going to be in San Diego, are the same place you guys have been. Hey, can you give me that driver's info? Oh, I'll be there in December. Like the size of the Irvine Improv It feels like a club and a theater Yeah, and it's not fair There's a lot of weirdness when you're in a big room and the people are laughing. yeah