Joe Rogan Experience #406 — Tom Segura, Christina Pazsitzky Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience. In San Diego, California. I got my Halloween outfit also. I know exactly what you're going to be. In this right now. I hate generalizations. two people that think they're funny together, friends we are on top of being married like for like you have this air of it's very different than We support each other. hey, man, he saw me at an audition.

2:43 I was like, wow. You know they have something wrong with them whatever it is emotionally whatever is an imbalance and it just comes out like that This should be inspiring. that a lot of people have to fight off Yeah, you totally can. try to make other people, inspire other people to be successful. If you get tripped up on what other people are doing, you're missing out on your own life.

6:00 Which was very funny. in a comedy club. I thought it was hilarious. Because he just made it funny. fucking five pages of notes I see a guy like that comes in town, It's super easy to do. All the time. Nobody knows people are happy, knows people are successful. Disproportionate criticism. sometimes it is but sometimes it's not There we go. existence but for kids I can't imagine growing up with it it's so

10:10 And it doesn't feel consensual and fun as it did in the 70s and 80s. It's like, God damn. Every guy is on, like, 15 pills of Viagra. back then. Those women were like, The aggression thing? It does. that fucking movie um the dirt diggler boogie nights like everybody knew each other and it was and everybody knows as possible Nowadays, there's so many girls doing it

13:24 It was making billions of dollars a year it was totally legal and yet when the economy collapsed And because it's evaporated, Yeah, like the aggression and maybe it has something to do about are we repressing aggression in society? and why they hate all the evil aspects of life, towards a point where there's some sort of complete consolidation of the human race

15:23 No. only a matter of time. I think you can't hold stop it. That is a fundamental human need yeah it'll always exist god but i think that's just the sense of wonder and also the the the Yes. All of them. You have to imagine that there's a lot of parallels for how ever you view that People got to decide what stays in, what goes out. of Scientology and you go

18:33 Yeah, that's true. government propaganda exercise used to pacify subjects of the Roman Empire. and the New Testament. blog on his website. Isn't it cool that You want to get it from Josephus. He'll tickle us his own show now. And then you read the other shit that he wrote and you go, hold on a minute. So I spent a lot of time watching TV and there was an ad for Dianetics.

21:17 They send you these things in the mail. Those are the type of people right by where we were filming, there was one of those Yeah. It was just some old dude who had no idea. He's asking me questions about, like, my childhood. Like, did you ever have a cat that died? Like, shit like that. So I'm holding these things. He's asking me questions about like my childhood.

22:36 You hold them on the cans. Scientology. Yeah, because aren't they It was pretty normally said. So I could use Scientology, though. the scarring. Yes. Yeah. He told you what was wrong with you though? Was he like, here's what you need. What was wrong with you? Um, you know, He's so fired up. You know that when His dad was born in Mexico. So they could fucking set up a compound where they could just ball.

24:52 The Mormon show. Oh, it's a reality show. No competition. a hotter model those other girls did What they did was awesome. And they get a lot of heat. I mean, they went to North Korea and fucking hung out with everybody and ate dinner, and He's hanging out with the Liberian cannibals. He's killed thousands of people, Vice was right there, man. And what they were like, you know, they brought them the food.

27:51 They pretended it was a restaurant, We live a good life over here. There's one Lisa Ling did ages ago. go after your family they put them in that what's what's that, their area? What is it? It's the slave camp in the middle. spot we hit. Well, you would have to fucking to the south who used to be connected to you used to be your former countrymen are banging out cell

29:54 in the same country. loving, or being a fucking weirdo Well, it does work. Do you think? Yeah. A lot of people live in It's awesome. The economy though. area and try to keep it viable. That seems to me like the only reason why that would exist is because we, as humans, It won't be about this nation versus that. Yeah, I was just going to say, look at Iraq.

32:47 Absolutely. I agree. You can buy a house for $100. It needs it. For an average, right. in the Ford factory Yeah. The big thing was Well, eventually, I mean, you know, the automotive industry became more competitive, And you got paid for a full job. I mean, they fucked up everything. They were the stupidest looking, ugliest fucking cars. just like artistically.

36:43 Psych. The Challenger's so rad. Yeah, it looks badass. Firebird. Not as good. Check out Brian Callen's Brian. The noise is perfect, and so is the lip quivering. But if it falls in my range, I can do it. I can do some people. That's his garage in Burbank. He's not growing up. Yeah. We're getting thumbs up and the time's gone. Should we have one? The bargains are the Z28 and the Corvette.

40:08 it's like 60 is have you seen that Wow, look at that. Look at this thing. They didn't take a bailout. cars again yeah they figured out a shelby yeah yeah yeah those things are fucking awesome that though? God, I hope so. though, I know Honda does. because it's easier to build the cars over here Yeah. I bet you're right. and you're going to keep ingredients

43:40 it charges you for the design for the TV. You know? They're everywhere. I actually like that. hello I'm driving right now When I had it, you were only allowed to use it in Boston itself. because they have to use their service. And it's a mobile phone. Dude, do you realize I didn't have a cell phone until I graduated from college and entered the workforce.

45:57 and I would just, you know, come back at 2 in the morning. That's the thing is, look at this. Is that a fucking phone? It's Bill Gates. He's got his big stupid phone. Remember those word processors? And then I couldn't afford it after a while. Needed that extended battery. My brick was a flip brick. is the perfect It just can't fuck with today. Not just banking.

48:03 Uber. Look at all that bitches Uber That's cool. into the thing. review them or something? a couple times. But then he has to drive fucking back by himself. Wow. but it's a long drive. And it's boring. Stupid two-lane shitbag road. If we all wanted to just go That might actually be fun. Just call it disaster in the desert or something like that. That's such a good idea.

51:35 Wouldn't it be better to go to like Chicago? we were talking about chicago might be like the most underrated place in the country and it's in the city, It's fantastic. out! Oh, that's cool. And W.C. Fields they're like smart people but also they have that Don't make no mistake about it. Just like in L.A. We're all full of shit. And you just got mixed up in the wrong tribe, son.

54:06 People also talk shit about L.A. They're like, no, just right there. No, it's for tourists. Where'd you go? from the museums to the restaurants to going on Broadway. They're a murderous assault in your attention span. that's so fucking spirit crushing and it's not even okay it'll literally be like i'm lifting into going to these things. I gotta go, I gotta go.

56:29 I'm about to see my theater teacher sing show tunes. That what you're talking about, they're almost like doing dialogue. It's terrifying. I enjoyed it. ground? I hope you have a drink. Like, if you look at, like, Houston, some of the all-timers, Bill Hicks, Sam Kinison. It's pointless to even start. your Uncle Larry, Roddy Dangerfield HBO specials.

58:42 They're like goofier. It's the funniest shit. I don't know that many other people I love Minnesota. get into January, February, it's fucking unbelievable. come to my special yeah in Minneapolis. You ever go up there? We did the Sony Center, right? Yeah. It was just so matter-of-fact. They're a part of some of the adventures that we go on. You got to fucking prove that you're number one.

1:02:23 That's a problem. And I see their point. It's just convenient that those same dummies are the ones who have the oil. I wouldn't even say that you're not allowed to draw the guy. You've got to keep them healthy. they armed Iran they've armed the the whole member thing with President Reagan, where want to keep a fight going and you want to keep getting money and keep extracting money from the

1:05:16 Like, other than that, it was, like, a few people died. And he basically ran the same way he always ran. it's important to have a boogeyman. in the world war ii days they fucked up they had to call them nazis they called them we defeat the We got to do this because here's the terrorists. Which is the difference? Rather, more than 100 different countries.

1:07:23 Was it illegal what you were doing? I think it's just like everything else. That's all slowly being broken down, Yeah, he's an awesome dude, too. You never shake hands with your left hand. If you think about it, you got it down to a science. I'm like, do you use soap? and we're teaching the Iraqis how to oh He's been there. Their mattresses were all brown and grody.

1:10:45 put this, you know. And it was all over. got killed. I totally agree. I've had people call me Yankees before. I wasn't here when your bullshit was going on with those people. Hearts and Mines. so that they would and they're like right right forget about your family That is so hilarious. So, that was interesting stuff. Yeah, right. Hardcore History. I guess about a year,

1:13:25 That's why. They said the river ran black with ink and red with blood. Jesus. They were like scholars and scientists and they were excellent keepers of records. but I fear that our culture is going that way because of the disappearance of the bookstore, I feel like we're totally regressing into idiocracy You just sit on the couch. No, it's sitting in front of a television.

1:15:51 never become a chicken unless a rooster's in the house. So if the rooster's banging The way we do it, we're not connected to our fucking food. cover to cover and being like, wow, there's this and that idea and making connections Do you even know who said that, bro? It's true. You're a reader, though. I go, I should read a book because you're reading so many books.

1:17:52 Like business things. Because I'm not good at that. What's that about? It's amazing. Right. I mean, it's really kind of staggering, and a bunch of assholes My people are not the smart ones who look like Europeans. but they're exemplary for sure. All right? Shut the fuck up. He's very explicit, but that's a common immigrant thing to do as well. That's what I've heard.

1:21:43 They like it. Prejudice against Italians. I learned a long time ago to keep away from my people. Full blown. Yeah. Oh, my God. swing at me. Yeah, Davey, like, did you just say you gotta throw that She's from Boston. her and Eleanor. You know, you were always hilarious. walk off Tommy's word for and make it spin around a little bit. for a woman to do stand-up.

1:24:55 You certainly can't have opinions on religion or politics or anything controversial funny like you. That's when it's important. If you're a black guy, the assumption is this guy's got to be the funniest guy on the planet. have been fantastic performers. Because if you think of like You know? Right. all-time greats. Dude, see if you can pull this because it's kind of interesting.

1:27:02 You can tell he was perverted. I'm aging. And they bang them and they're like, yes! 65. animated off the canvas for that type picture and in my neighborhood there's an art supply shop that deals in offbeat And I let her in quickly, you know. front of me, majestic. Wow. They didn't know about sets back then. Isn't that something? and you're now so weird. I mean, has it ever been done by

1:31:08 Cousin. Yeah, sure. She was banging Sinatra when she was like 15 as well. All you have to do is look at him and you go, How much did he crush back in the day? Yeah, we're on the board. Everyone dead. There's no Woody Allen in that. Jesus. Yeah, he's like, really satisfied with himself. I mean, there is no Woody Allen in that motherfucker at all. In the Midwest, there was one TV station.

1:33:51 piece of shit at home. Like it totally ignored his wife and kids. Like he would come home and he was like getting interviewed ah, they know what it's like to have shitty parents. this woman that cheated on him with and found all these photos of his wife this all, uh, But the guy obviously lived in a different era. Yeah. And so that's probably when he went home.

1:36:34 Guy lost a lot. His divorce was one of the things that Eddie Murphy talked about on stage in Raw. Half. His sons were like, yeah, we only went on vacation once, and dad ignored us. You idealize those things, you know? about Steve McQueen him and he's wearing medical condition. They can. And those suit colors. I support it 100%. I think the people that really take issue with that

1:38:46 you can be impressed with no, is that that guy How much of the, What did he say? Of course, I mean, you say it, and you're like, that is unacceptable. This had to have been, I want to say 1988. CBS sports commentator Jimmy the Greek Snyder gave his impressions of blacks in coaching in the National Football League. It's out there. He got fired for that? No, no.

1:41:20 being longer. for what he said there. Okay. what he was saying though he was saying that black guys are taking over every spot they were saying but he's saying that the majority of the people are going to be black. happened and i think you definitely see um the like results of that in today's population in amount of But if you look at England, They've been there for thousands of years.

1:44:23 But then in recent recent years and i think they do that, too. sure i mean it seems like it makes sense to me i don't have proof of it but to me too slave genes It's not ugly. who hails from Curacao, rounded out the line. wrote this, is an intellectual dodo. know what's going on in major sports. of political incorrectness. what you said. joke and there'll be a Mexican guy

1:47:45 The white guilt is so real. I totally, I love black approval. I don't even want to understand it. that was the whole scene where Christopher Walken and... Whose name I don't remember. Yeah. And people are so terrified of it. diminishes their accomplishments. Football is probably like 65% to 70%. Other than that, it's a lot of black people. Yeah. Oh, my God.

1:50:45 Yeah, there's that one. Was not the best. tabloid famous athletes. knocking a ball into a hole in the dirt. Right. attacked by sluts if he right sluts were fleas he would need a collar yeah and i'm not slut shaming I'd like us to be contributors to society. Disproportionate. a delusional idea of what their own value is because they don't really contribute.

1:53:36 there's always from Amelia Earhart to, you know, fill in the blank. Yeah. All throughout history. The hijacker. And I made the mistake of going, is it like you're apologizing and it's too cold? and they brought him a bottle of wine and said, To the point where I was lucky because I was in the window. Do you have Pinot Noir? She goes, excuse me? And I was like, all right, red.

1:56:28 And we're talking about When she left, She was like, my favorite scene in that is a wine scene. and you know what's before we got on that plane And that the other students don't like working with her, so they stick her on these small planes because she doesn't want to be around anybody. Yeah. I want you to press this button. listen to your iPod, that's not happening.

1:58:46 And they, you know, he said, is it possible? Like, all I'm asking is someone, if you ask if someone could switch seats. So that's all he says. I didn't use profanity. But we saw that. Was it you and I that saw that? Crazy. Who to get off, yep. And he was like, I can't believe this. He goes, I'm not aggressive. But we saw that. I don't think. complaining, complaining

2:00:15 and she had small children. I don't know if she asked her to stop breastfeeding while we were in a taxi. Absolutely, I think sometimes I think sometimes they they absolutely literally strapped in with a fucking belt. and your hood and your glasses. Very small. it's kind of like the outside any more than we already said. That's okay. Zero ability. that you don't want them to talk to you.

2:03:13 Let's see how many people are on antidepressants. And like everyone was on Prozac then. Astounding increase in antidepressant use by Americans. 1988 to 1994 23% of women in their 40s and 50s are on antidepressants. You're saying you're going through the change of life. That's what I'm saying. Look, I had a friend it was great to talk to those guys.

2:05:17 I mean, they were pretty, Okay, we got a couple of drunks You meet people like that Right. that other path seems like a pain in the dick I'm fine. I feel good about it. Yeah, like, let's say something really tragic, like your spouse dies, dies and you can't even go on. Yes. For people with PTSD, for people who've been victimized, for people who have had horrible things happen to them, they say it's an almost immediate and really like fulfilled relief.

2:07:53 Soldiers coming back from the war with PTSD. you tour the hospitals and you see little eight year old boys who fell into a fire and Yeah, you're doing it not like a tour a bunch of people Yeah. And I'm not excusing what he did by any stretch of the imagination. And how medicated are they? Yeah. U.S. soldiers, a hard thing to wrap your head around as a civilian. Yeah.

2:10:22 So apparently there's a lot of them that they have like real issues with war and they give Wow. It's not for anybody, but there's some people that... about siphoning out money and distributing don't risk their health for a second, I don't know about that. Definitely. The country, definitely. How about if we ran the world? while you're sleeping No. No hunting for Brian.

2:13:26 their own food and grows their own food? The government would infiltrate it and then they'd find someone who's selling is so evil i think it said well you know i'm like and i It was a Mexican. And I'm like, wow, that is really sneaky. Stand there and slide that sword in. When you see the propaganda, though, that's so guided towards a group that's not you is

2:15:18 Oh, my God, that was ridiculous. Mira, I got my first check. Ah, mira, lo está tomando. Wow. totally silly white people I don't trust banks giving you money? so she's just like Yes, sir. Hey, man, what's calculus? MacArthur Park. I'm sitting on the couch, pants down, jerking off to porn on my laptop. and the first thing I do, And then two minutes go by.

2:18:28 And what happened was a guy went up to another guy, He just waited there. where they put them up on the light post or somewhere and they could actually track Anyway, they could detect exactly where the bullet was coming from, They shot him like fucking, I forget, it was like 13 or 22 times, like something crazy for this drunk guy with a knife. there's like 20

2:20:23 Like it was, Yeah, they're excited. I have a reason to do it. Some asshole's why his car couldn't start, so he got his car towed, and they found a bullet in the Cool. And I'm like, shot a guy there. Cool. I saw a poetry slam there once. Wait, let's play this. Poetry slams. Oh, yeah. there was a time in deaf poetry after everyone goes white guys trying to be black

2:23:02 like all you're doing and gave a poetry slam about succeeding in business, fucking dickwad Adolescent shit. It's George Watsky. So this is for those among us who got for those among us who got none Stop this. The Quentin Tarantino vibe should have stopped, too. Yeah, yeah. thrown in a few more you know what I'm saying death slam it's a girl talking about

2:25:48 Don't put another one on. That's what it's like. Streets would all be cleaner. Which ones? Right. Get on a bike. With the guy. With a parrot on. That guy we saw the other day. Right. Look at me. The wheel's this big and there's only one of them. With the guy. in sweatshorts so we could abuse him Snake people. Same thing. We couldn't believe it. Silly white people. A boom pow.

2:28:28 and sending them some shit, send them some pamphlets. My folks used to live there. It's the perfect level of You can get them. It's near Tampa.latans go, right? You can get them. It's near Tampa, which has a lot of, we talked about that, a lot of swingers. Come on. he starts talking about swinging. Like, well, you know, I don't go with the girl. Oh, we already do.

2:30:19 I'm sure. adulterous wife and still Since the 1990s, the term has been wildly used to refer to a sexual fetish in which the fetishist is stimulated by their committed partner choosing to have sex with someone else. Would you ever do that? The term was clearly regarded as embarrassingly direct as evidence in John Lydgate's The Fall of the Princess in 1440.

2:31:56 Why are you married to him? Totally. Wow. It's a, It says, Vietnamese is bai cam sung. Which area? You're too strong. Wow. Your friend was the one who did this? Wait a minute. like cradle his balls cradle his balls work the shaft work the shaft is he gonna come is he gonna That's the whole, Well, I guess it's like It's forbidden. and I'm going to tell her what to do.

2:35:18 Could you imagine? like way crazier shit. There's a super bond you know that invitation oh yeah and i'm like just come out with us it'll be a great time we're gonna You don't want that? We came up with a new one in the car. Oh, and you cannot exercise, but you must eat hot dogs and Gatorade or the other option. No, yard now. Oh, right. Let's revise this. What if you're just

2:37:43 Gatorade every day. Can someone please make an exercise video of just hot dogs and Gatorade? and he ate just hot dogs You know what I really Bratwurst you can still eat. any bread i don't need pasta i don't need anything that has flour in it i've been doing it for about There's something about gluten, about eating pasta. It never did anything bad to me.

2:39:51 Jesus. Actually, Udi's has some pretty decent gluten-free bread. And there's no nutritional value in that bread. No. She's like, well, it makes sense because like knee injuries, like a lot of times like the swelling and the inflammation of knee injuries, you can reduce that as well. out, in the middle of doing things where you're burning Gatorade, like all day. Gatorade. You need an orange, you're getting fiber, and you're getting sweet. That's why you should just drink Gatorade, like, all day.

2:41:37 Because you feel like shit when you eat hot dogs and Gatorade. You could definitely get away with being I like good food. I like food that tastes good. Do you guys have a podcast website? Yeah. And you can go to my site Free. At the Madhouse Comedy Club stamps.com for your super awesome extra sweet deal use the code word JRE and get your $110 bonus offer,

2:44:07 Tune in for that shit. We love you guys, and we'll see you tomorrow.