Joe Rogan Experience #408 — Todd Glass Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Oh, Jesus. Look at that. Comedy Club in Austin About like places that have that's so much work so hard yeah people always say like when i do ufc broadcast like why are I got lost already. And you know what? That cat is making me a, he's making me another thing, a zombie. That guy's badass. Yeah, well, I wanted to do something I'm very childish. Yeah, that's why even when I see managers' offices, I won't say who,

3:36 And we used to behind his back go, well, this is what he wanted. Why do I have to self analyze myself Wow We're so professional when it comes to being high. It's like everything you want in a club. And that club is just perfectly set up. He also called him, and Louis basically taught him how to run a club. So what Mark did, the guy who opened up Helium, I go, how did you know to pick him?

5:46 It was only like- Those guys are annoying. 180 seats. You told me it's So many of them have so many stories. Well, there's certain guys. You know, you get real emotional about it and very upset. I think you're right. Maybe that. it just makes sense that you wouldn't want, you know, like five years later, you're There's guys that believe that this guy can't beat them.

9:09 Like, I'll think of somebody the way I thought about them. And the comedian that it's about, don't fucking find it if it's not you. Give me a plug. you know and i was like i knew he was fucking right and he knew i could handle it you know he goes you know he was being a dick totally being a dick he goes you started off pretty funny man There was none of that.

11:31 We were retarded. And I remember it stung for sure. But it made me make a clear decision to just abandon the other world, just to You know, it was really important, like, for me as a comedian Like, it's not like they're not funny, I'm not kidding. Or two years in, doesn't have emotional maturity, and they get angry. You know what? I know exactly where you're going.

13:58 You know why? Oh, I never got mad at club owners. have told i could have been like oh yeah i could have been that same story could have been even And I, I don't want to be that person. I do the Ice House on a lot of Wednesday nights. capture a memory like if you go my dad went to gettysburg and he said when he was there he felt Mark Babbitt is the reason that club used to have a great reputation.

16:43 That doesn't mean anyone would be sick or homeless. you know, some other bullshit story. because honestly, And that's a historic fucking club. where Kinison started out and Hicks started out. You want to hear... But she's full of shit. Does that make sense? I know. but it's those I thought and I was thinking it was an industry comedy guide and performing at colleges.

21:13 Someone told me... and then I just didn't like the smell of it, so now I'm glad because someone said, Because he had just gotten cards. They would always say that. There's some guys who could ham it up. Does anybody still do that? stand-up comics there was dirty guys there was prop guys the prop guy doesn't exist anymore you to put money into it, like produce it, go, we're going to hire, we're going to build

24:34 Yeah, but no disrespect act yes and it would be just almost a mock of a prop act that didn't put a lot of time into his Do you remember Lenny Schultz? It was so ridiculous. That's a little different, though. Fator? What do you think, Sammy? Best of all time in my opinion I've done one or two. eight at night and you would do shows until five o'clock in the morning they would just keep

27:38 And Otto and I did that and we did a couple clubs. Like a ton of people The last time I saw him, I'm talking about. But to see a puppet really dig into a human being, in there and maybe squirt blood out of it. what he's doing? Just pay attention I saw his lips moving. What was that picture of me? Did I do that or did they Photoshop that? Ventroquist, yeah.

30:34 for like this one bit, but it's not a lot of young guys. Oh, any style? But that's what I'm saying. Does that exist? Okay, here's why I'm sort of, not that you're the all-knowing, but, you know, you probably broke it down. I think there's really some people that have brains that are easier to hack. wait a minute, I'm a control freak. It would never work on me. But it works on some people.

33:19 You're going to go to sleep, relax, all the muscles in your body. It feels un-fucking-believable. So maybe they get more comfortable, more comfortable. Do other ones see something that's not even there? you're on top of her Stitches Comedy Club that place went under and then they opened up a new place was laughing and he So they're going to set up these huts and live up there with Jesus

36:19 Yeah, I mean, because if you, we know that, like, I always forget that I'm like, really? It's like your comfort level with humans is different than the average person's comfort level because you experience humans in this really extreme state the state of a stand-up comedy club so it's it's real hard to to just You know this shit. I'm not good. I'm really bad when it comes to math. Like, I'm shockingly bad. You know?

37:59 But I know there's different levels. And because I don't, I don't have any Absolutely. to learn things when you're in high school, Punch in those numbers. This is going to tell sadder than it is, but it is a true story. It's all like in a – it's like – Oh, bubble tape. Everyone knows but you. he had just seen like not a man my age counting with his fingers you know pulling eating bubble

41:14 Well, it's true. God forbid, I think it's so stupid. They're delicious. I wear it every time I go on the road. I have shit my foot How much sugar is that, Todd Glass? You're going to attract some weirdos. you know that you're Fuck it. We've been here for a long time. But here's the problem. cool to wear people would be like wear sweatpants fuck Wear sweatpants.

44:36 No, let me get my fucking stiff-ass, stupid plastic pants on. They're comfortable. Oh, in a... Somebody gave me a pair of these slippers that are kind of like borderline between slippers and a shoe. Are they the Crocs, the ones with the- It was weird. You're wearing slippers and you're wearing a fanny pack. I took that for granted when I used to see him doing that.

47:11 I was working at Great Woods Center for the Performing Arts when I was 19. go on stage in his bathrobe and he fucking destroyed there's him in his bathrobe that's I never knew the bathrobe thing. All I knew was the pajamas. would all tell me like the guys who were backstage the security was doing back there they were like to meet peter from the family you know these are you don't get to meet them yeah but never get to meet Homer Simpson. Yeah. He's a character. Right, right, right. And you're not going to get to meet Peter from The Family.

49:16 and when I saw them in public, yes, I was like, In a good way. Yeah, yeah. remember seeing him and being like that was just weird and then uh bob goes hey this is todd he's It was Rodney. Like what year? He was crushing. he was an animal that's lord that's that's so much like you know that's when you look at it He was Rodney Dangerfield. covered and then there's like this back like hill area that's like

52:33 I got to see him close, though. It was this weird echoey thing. Those HBO comedy festivals launched Kinison, launched Dice Clay, launched Bill Hicks. and help other comedians. I'm not saying it from They weren't getting on The Tonight Show. No, no, no, no, no. Robert Townsend did a few of those he did a few of those didn't he do a few of those I don't know.

54:46 where he came out and he was talking in the accent and then he oh he broke character after I don't think he needed that. Meteor Man. He's only 56. Whatever I'm wearing. You're supposed to stand flat. And after I'm not wearing them for a while, I go, what am I, I'm tilting forward here. I got to think that. There's a misperception about women that everything they do is to attract men.

57:36 Whoa. Yeah, that's not just respecting other cultures. where they make that big plate in their face, It's fucking crazy. environment they've you know topless wearing skins and stuff like some of what am i doing and had a you know people i don't know how you would do that though like can it be somebody what is stuck like that That's how the lip thing gets started.

1:00:23 Yeah. Okay, whatever. Oh, the modification, the foot binding thing. well they're the winners right i mean seriously oh if they're happy i guess so jesus but i don't where there's 500 of us that live in a village together. That's what we're designed for Was it Summertime in Paris? Springtime in Paris? Forget your troubles. Come on. What's the movie? Springtime in Paris?

1:02:55 Durr. Owen Wilson's doing Woody Allen. Watch how he does it. What? I'm not quite as taken with him as you are. Like, Todd, really pay attention. I don't know if you do, but that's what he's doing. Yeah, writer and director Woody Allen. people are really sketchy about it unfortunately or fortunately but could this work for him yes I didn't even know that much about it.

1:05:53 Makes it look like I know her. Oh, yes, I know about that. Yeah, I mean, I think they adopted her when she was a baby. She wasn't It's not if it's true. It's definitely true. That's right. whether it's a brother and sister. She's my sister. the story's gonna be most likely everything you're saying and like who knows what year they'll be like there'll be some kid after

1:08:35 That's what people think of gay people. be the one detail that I would look like an idiot It should be very difficult to trick you. I wasn't listening because I'm petrified to think, did I just say that being gay was like fucking your brother or sister? No, it's a perfect analogy because why does anyone care what two people that are adults decide to do?

1:10:20 Maybe you shouldn't do it and why it's – I was sort of halfway, knew where I was going, hey, he just sucks feet all the time. I like to remind myself. That's two consenting fucking adults. Yeah. I think we do it also because we're insecure and because it's weird We all do it I think we do it also Very different from them But now I'm not going to I found out he likes sucking feet.

1:12:22 Oh, that's a joke. My own tapes I'm gonna leave You don't have to worry Yeah I don't think Hurting anybody else comfortable to talk about that we don't like no one has to be lie they like italian food but some Leave me alone Yeah I like different You were about to get one though What kind of car? I know, I know. It just looked like a cool sedan. is marvels of engineering.

1:14:50 exhilarating thing that performs in a way Like, I sometimes, like, we've talked about on the show that I wouldn't want to pull up. I go, because I don't know you, but what the fuck? But I know that person might drive it up for the same reason that I sit upstairs and look What if that's the car that I want? Talk to Joe Rogan. I thought he meant like an old Porsche.

1:16:41 It's a beetle cage car where they can drive around on the bottom of the ocean. and bites you right in the dick? I have... It's slavery. It's more than that. Now, what do I do with people that go, you eat meat, and that's the way it's – You know those people that write it off because they can't quit. What listening person right now, and I mean that wholeheartedly, is sitting home going, oh, it's SeaWorld.

1:19:30 They have very tight-knit colonies. being these like really sweet things that jump for fish. They're murderous machines when they're they should tax them out of fucking business. There should be no way you should be able to profit off But that's our own biases. where we'll ask those type of questions, well, we give a lot of money, would you be able

1:22:16 why do you give money to No, no. A guy was hunting with his friend, and they had a fight off a fucking wolf pack. A guy runs into wolves while elk hunting. Or is it wolves? And I bolt from my house to my front door. You know what? and then they would go back into the forest, and so they're letting these dudes know. Much, much bigger. They're very sneaky.

1:25:37 responded to in the first place. Oh, they do? So they reintroduced wolves, And so these things, I'd say we're probably safer I thought that that was always a good way. Nothing changes until that one moment And it was filled with hair. Doesn't exist. what you just said until, What you just said, Maybe they used to Really lucky. Super they're not going to freeze to death, but they'll

1:28:59 Well, not only that, there's also an amount of limited food supply. Depending upon the area, that's one of the things that conservationists do best, In fact, like bighorn sheep, when we were in Montana, There's mountain lions. Have you? I've seen many times I've seen moose. Obviously, they amplify it, but even the real... The length of the nose is because it warms the air up

1:31:39 I forgot about that. but in Alaska, they're really plentiful. because dumb people go, no, it's a moose. They panic and they'll stomp you to death if they're with their baby. No, but it was when we saw it. and when they're not, but they also know But when you're in like Boulder, Colorado, when you drive around, deer are just chilling I've never seen a place like that.

1:33:53 Towards the winter the car, I would appreciate it. But to be near it, I'm scared. You should be. It's a healthy We just don't have to see it. If I see a squirrel from a distance And then I asked somebody. that i would start noticing i go no there's squirrel maybe there's no squirrels whoa that's Right. she couldn't and then the same thing that happens with

1:36:30 Yeah, that's why it is. They eat fucking shit. Their belly filled with trash. mean it was fucking huge it was as big as this thermos. His thermos is about, the body of the thermos is about 12 inches long. I was a bachelor, you know, lazy bitch. it was fresh meat. It was their buddy. I don't know. Isn't that his girlfriend? Don't get me wrong. Oh, chipmunks, too.

1:39:04 And, again, same thing. But do they eat the same thing rats eat? Yeah, they eat a lot of chipmunks out there. And we don't get grossed out by them either. No, we don't get into it. And again, same thing. of you. I know I couldn't. And it jumped. It got into the water. There's the bird just flew into the pool. You'd get really comfortable with animals.

1:40:55 Indicates that the pathogen responsible... It was carried from fleas, actually, that lived in the rats. at the time. So there's a reason You know what I mean? Yeah, you rat. those years and apparently it lasted forever i mean they couldn't cure things back then And it was almost like the people that washed their hands. Well, there's a weird denial about global warming that to me is absolutely fascinating because it's really one of the few arguments that have anything to do with nature and the nature of the

1:44:07 and battle down for argument. But I'm just saying that by my personal experience, a lot of people that I meet, You know what else we know? We know there used to be an ice age, too. Do you know that? Do I don't understand what the argument is to not acknowledge – What do they do if they have coal-burning plants? gloomy look that mood the, The Road, this gloomy

1:46:39 China. Look at this, China. And they can't live that This is it. can't even breathe the air. And still, Jesus Christ. Look behind you. levels of particulate matter with a diameter of 2.5 micrometers to be no more than 20 anything Wait, there's such a school. They go 103. Just send a mass email to all the students. Sorry. Iowa. picture of her accident so what yeah she is definitely an accident and obviously

1:49:58 Yeah, but we shouldn't necessarily. If her story holds true, then yes, of course she should keep her job. unrealistic. And if she's playing with her pussy, I like to spit my hands cuz I feel dirty. I just really beat it up side to side which will never happen. and may pretend hikes it up. Girls would scream. Oh, what age were you? I think it's important

1:52:05 no it's a it's an interesting it's it's weird you know what would you do what would you do you think this that have made it onto the news. class, but they didn't want her to. We exclude that, obviously. If there's a person like that out there, what'd you think? of the doubt. And they should. Because can you imagine? Exactly. I like that clarifying your point

1:54:39 You shouldn't automatically have I try to go, look, I'm still taking in stuff because I think it lessens the anger of people at home that really genuinely might know you're wrong. speak before I have formulated my opinion. So I don't know. It was really funny. We've all done that. Jesus Christ. And put a link to an article. at it from the Is that because it's like the steel city

1:57:45 I had no concept of the 1300s. When was the invention of the lock? Yes, yes. Egyptian lock for the time. That's insane. The lock worked using a large wooden bolt to secure a door which had a slot with several holes in its upper surface and the holes were filled with that into a car to make it we need a transmission guy there's combustion engine. How do you get that into a car? We need a transmission guy.

1:59:44 Is that – When was the invention That's a good question. That's what I'm saying. For a wheel, the invention of the wheel. The earliest well-dated depiction of a wheeled vehicle, crazy. Yeah. You need to take a break and then you keep It was good for agriculture. Are you going to just drive around like an asshole? You think the world is going to be covered with roads all over the place

2:01:59 Get the fuck out of here. Get on your horse I mean, you look at those old California roads where you're going up the coast. Yeah. it down and roll it with things. You didn't go anywhere back then. You didn't get in your if you've ever seen it. Yeah, and it's like Yeah, horse and buggy. Of course. fucking common man because a lot of lazy bitches out there there's a lot of people that don't

2:04:36 You're never going to really go for it. If you see what makes it feel weird about you. Those are great. I think it was Mark Twain. like, you know, what's a quote? Hey, I got Indian feathers on. Jesus. It was a quote by Greg Giraldo. was out here doing his own TV show right next door while I was doing news radio. So, you know, I didn't know him well, but it almost says more about that type of comedian and the good part about comedy because I love comedians.

2:07:42 That's my number one problem. I don't judge in the beginning. love comedians and always working on his act always that's out. I haven't seen blogs They're a fucking drag. Because they get to the point where I can't agree. Oh, those guys are brutal. loved being around him I loved it when we were laughing and joking and talking about things I loved being around him but I loved it. When we were laughing and joking and talking about things,

2:10:22 and it's hard to make things happen, but here's what you got, man. You're going to find it. I'm seeing this fucking guy with a show, By the way, they're not that case yet. But not that bad yet. give them to me at the end of each day. I'll pick a few I like and I'll, it's a good paycheck, Right. if you say something that's truly funny they're gonna hit that retweet button and it might be a

2:13:06 I don't remember. Yeah, and we know people. Oh, you don't. I didn't know, man. You can't tell me shit like that, and then it's supposed to be aognito? Yeah. Whoops. I didn't know, man. Yeah, people are going to... So it's just applying what certain people do to your friends that don't realize you could do it. And she's showing her pussy She's got 71,000 followers now, and she's not like a famous person.

2:14:52 Someone forwards it to you. Just try to get, okay, that's cool. It's a funny fucking Twitter page, and she does it all the time. friends like that's what i would do with you that's a great way to look at it if you had an All those people on Twitter that are your followers. Yeah. Can I tell you, That's when I want to look at someone and go, who are you?

2:17:49 I get it. They're angry, Todd Glass. There's ways you manage your life, and there's paths you go down. preaching to the folks listening to this I think some tribes are formed just based on behavior and belief systems and geography. was when people, you said they will form tribes. So there's this thing that happened by, I think if you're right, that people will naturally create their own rules.

2:20:11 I'm like, thank fucking God. it's just us now and someone decided to go it fucks with the conversation So I totally, yeah. Who's that? Reject a call with a message. Look at the size of this thing, folks, at home. Is it okay in your pocket? The screen on this thing is amazing. The camera is a little weird. No. iPhone. Just put them in a file. Unless you can put things in files,

2:23:55 When you go and read websites on this, it's almost like a laptop. I mean, it is... huge but it fits the difference being to me first of all it's fascinating i like fucking around with I know. I'm talking about I go off on how good it is how could nobody have it and then I think there's no We've had a lot of like really loyal sponsors like Ting and Squarespace and it's because we'll mention them even when we're not

2:26:27 mainstream comic book movie you know and you don't know until those things are put ahead of you I don't know what we get. And it's like, I don't want to. they're supporting us now people will gravitate but people know about it because of us and I just want people to know about that that we've talked about their products on the show where they've never been sponsored,

2:27:39 and I would love to sponsor the podcast. Oh, that's funny. My mom had a... The temperature stays It's very yeah, it's compressed hardwood natural sugar looks like the wood. It looks like rabbit food a little yeah What are they? Yeah, and the other one is, she's a mutt. Meow, meow, meow. She's a cool cat You go into someone's house So I'm like you don't give it too much of it.

2:29:59 Like, all the other kittens were in this little pet store and she just like hissed at me. I know what they are. It's crazy how fast these things are and how powerful they are. these people in these giant attack suits and this dog just grabbed them and boom, threw him to the He was even bigger. That's why I remember my mom bred dogs when we were growing up.

2:32:27 Because they're really relaxed and calm around people. This guy, his name's Joe, and he has this, I mean, he doesn't have a puppy mill at all. He loves my five-year-old, loves other kids. Other kids come over. He's immediately like happy. He I had him on his leash I'm a chicken, but I just, That dog is violating his territory by being a stranger near him instinctively.

2:34:34 or something along those lines. but still you could run into some other dog that tests them and next thing you know they're going time ago i made this rule like it would be like a bunch of us renting maybe a house up in lake sometimes it cannot be calm at another place because it's not comfortable It's selfish. Is the dog in my bathroom? So there's, but overall you got to test the waters a little, you know what I mean?

2:36:57 Like I had my friend Robbie when I first got my dog. So when they were around each other, they're like, holy shit, I can't believe you're here. Right. And dogs are pack animals, too. Poor little dog. No, I'm pretty good except for Inside the house is tough. Oh, that's pretty good. It's beyond gross. Yeah. Like, I haven't seen that guy in 10 hours. You know when my cat was pissing in the house?

2:40:04 what I was thinking if let's say you had a cat and you had like well you know what That's very possible. Totally. It's like a little toilet, cats. Yeah, that's what I mean. It's a sphinx cat. bunch of people that, uh, besides the pee? That's the, I think That's really smart. Yeah. except that they know that they're big, cool dogs, Because it's not cool now?

2:42:21 and it was immaculate, and it was a woman They love saying it in social circles. Oh, that's the reason they picked the standard poodle. You've got to give them things to do, okay? a little research on a dog and find that out? You know what I mean? fuck up your your yeah this guy just lets his German Shepherd play with this you and you're with it all the time.

2:44:54 I always see examples of it. Because once when I went with my parents, they did when we were younger. first of all, you should see an animal in a semi-natural environment. bear you should see that bear wandering around the woods in its natural environment. goes to the bidding of the intelligent man. I try to be. I fucking at least try we're not asking you

2:47:00 Right. right? so that's what the SeaWorld thing But I was young. I'm sorry. Yeah. built into its DNA. The bear's on a bike. on top of the monkey, and gets pissed, and just goes after the monkey, and he's tearing the monkey They pulled the monkey out, but it's dead. I think I feel good when I see it. You've got to kill a certain amount of them, At the very least, you should have some gigantic walled-in preserve

2:50:55 in your body. And you have these natural reward systems that you don't have language and context. Maybe that could be. is bad. The next level, and maybe I'm saying Just go, they're fighting the right fight and I'm lazy right now. I think all that should be illegal. The zoo is there. to live in their own environment, I would take my chances with a wolf.

2:53:38 Gazelles are fast for a reason They can't even run. This bitch is winding down. You don't do on yours And I think you confuse that with overanalyzing. It's Todd Glass with two Ds, not one D. Wednesday. One of my favorite places. Why don't you wait until I'm done with the fucking plug? Just go to AmericanComedyCo.com. And this weekend, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, I'm at the Irvine Improv with lovely and talented