Joe Rogan Experience #41 — Ari Shaffir Transcript

Transcript

0:00 One, two, three. It's a really, really, really, really, really, really sweet treat And he's way weirder in real life this song is dozens of songs. Dozens of songs He doesn't perform live. He just performs And just, that's it. It looks like that guy, kind of. Ari Shavir, you've still not fucked one, have you? Not at all. It could be... Yeah. Yeah. Wow.

4:59 Seven does not seem possible. but he's not peeing I've hit that wall You know the certain clips Yeah, and she gives this guy a lap dance. You like that one, huh? yeah you don't want the guy just fucking the shit out of her you want her doing all the work yeah you can't, Yeah, behind his ass, It's not some dude sweaty asshole bouncing around your face.

7:07 Hey, you know FaceTime on the iPhone? That is not a thing I would ever do. How many times do you think your dick has been out at the Comedy Store? No way? Yeah, it is like a salt. And everyone just turned to me who was sitting there. So it was like, I don't know, nine or ten people in the audience. Oh, my God. She stops at one point and looks up. i was like this is such a ridiculous situation oh my god like you're gonna get i was crying

9:48 Someone got mad. Oh, fucking hot bitch. You're cool with this? Look what I get for her. Who is looking for this? Charlie Bit Me. This is someone's kid out there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Why hasn't that been on Tosh.0, has it? I'm not going to suggest anything to him. Send him a MySpace. Oh, you're serious? There's still people Safari browser. Something with the coding or whatever was

13:10 especially um on safari yeah i don't think you had to say fuck tom yeah what the fuck Those annoy me. You know who I am and what I'm into? I know they get it from Google searches. That's why you get free Gmail. That's why you get free Gmail. not in your inbox, and then sells it based on those words. Just like, oh, let's make sure. So they're not going to be...

16:13 Are you sure? pretty good about not doing that. No. Like Jesus Christ or Cobra Commander? Things like that are twittering. Yeah. Yeah. like fuck you obama you're a cunt and he can't get into america yeah how do you get the white Because I don't even think it was a really extreme thing. Let's write one to Obama right now, but all innuendo. If you were treating him like a real friend.

19:06 No. the straight people who are on Team Straight would think they would lose a lot of dudes who are on the fence. It might start a giant trend. Have you heard this one? I'm not joking. has a gay lover. he was yelling without God also so what the fuck is steven hawking decided that decided that? He's just going on faith. I mean, it's interesting that if the guy's lying

21:57 you'll see it's a southern guy from Dallas. Why didn't you come forward back in I was living in Mexico up until Do you see any financial support for your efforts from anyone? in the sums of from $12.31 to $100 each. It represents every individual person. All right, this fruitcake's annoying the shit out of me. Why would he be introduced by his true name to you,

25:10 And how would you remember for 10 years when you lived away and then recognized him on TV? Bam! Suck on that, Mexican. Why do they get into all this nitpicking detail stuff? would you bet? Would you bet that guy's telling the truth or Obama? I would not take like a solid hundred dollars. damn, you never know. So it's like, all right. like presidents

27:22 Carter was like really faithful and into it. how Clinton would just whip out his dick. five girls to do that he'd be like oh my i could just do this i think he's a wild man he's a rock To be in a president and getting caught getting a blowjob while you're the president, man. and impeachment hearings. as a president. Well, he was an egomaniac. Plus, if 9-1-1 happened on his clock,

29:23 since Nero burned Rome. equipment. 15 years ago every now and then you get like one of those those things remember before youtube um alex jones auto tune but i don't think it's really it oh no yeah um that uh that that was a cool fucking song I think we did But honestly, I'm so fucked by these asshole movie people. Like for real. The other one was Avatar. Are they really saying that? For real.

32:13 in big chunks. Every time I go, Yeah. That would suck. You think? I wonder how many concussions those dudes have gotten. That dude's out of his mind. he became a movie star, with either paint guns how's the face? where he shoved something up the ass. So hard to watch. weird things that really elaborate other times i'll be sitting around talking and just see

34:55 took the microphone away from her, for right now like that's your world this was one of the best of all time. It was a bunch of cuts. and it starts off showing that clip Yes. Her songs are stories right out of the pages of her diary. What I'm saying right now is just show business. And we all think. We will root them out. Yeah. You know, it's like sports guys.

38:20 days there's a lot of comics in the 80s comics sounded a certain way. Charlie Chaplin. Is this a puzzle here? of the clean-only comedy as well. a great move yeah so many comics are haters i guess You know what nobody ever told me when I was trying to do clean for like a while so I could Whatever it was, I was talking about cleany stuff too much. You know?

40:29 It's like you could talk about clean shit on stage too. can't limit your fucking thoughts. That's annoying. Oh no, she's playing it back. No, I think it's illegal. I don't care what you guys say. I can't understand her. I can't understand her. Turn up your headphones. I can't understand her. I can hear her. You're still bright to me, oh Who you are is not what you've been

43:31 what this bitch is talking about. but it doesn't mean anything. I want to see the lyrics. It's beautiful. Oh, my God. this song sucks though i know I know, it does suck. It's shitty Top 40 music. I don't want to get upset. I love Chick Voices. called that first album. fuck dream recently or with her then? I don't even know. and lose her boobs I don't know.

46:29 she's fucking sick too probably. on Lance Armstrong, She had breast cancer. Wrong with you, boy. They're the same guys that went after Barry Bonds. They're going after him. To see if he lies. The same guys that went after Barry Bonds. Roger Clemens went in front of Congress. When Jose Canseco came out with that book. Jock talk. what is the percentage of elite athletes

48:23 They probably get really into that shit. The Lance Armstrong thing, and is an American It's like my other theories about gay and about anorexic. I think in order to be able with anything weird. It could very well be that there's a bunch of haters and this dude who's ratting them out Because he bicycles. Yeah, he has the bracelet on It's like, Chael Sonnen did this interview, and he said, look, Lance Armstrong cheated.

50:29 I love that guy. Fuck yeah. He's going to do that move and start pointing at people. So close to winning. obviously, I'm not saying that he was waiting used to, when both guys are tired, Yeah. How did you know that, Joe? I was going to say that that's where you want to live. to stamps and really he like holds up like magnifying glasses and he has like all these

53:10 Have you ever asked him to write you into a conspiracy? He's just constantly online, constantly doing research, He's very entertaining to me. What did I say? It makes things more interesting. Is it a lot of Look at the fucking worst-case examples of the world, Better than Ari. What is with his eyeballs? Light reflections in his eyeballs? What did you just say?

55:31 What? Why didn't you do it? Yeah. But he was super duper barbecued every fucking day he was on the set. And then when we had him on the show, dude, I've done this. Damn it, I didn't get Everlast is a gangster. He doesn't give a No, I don't believe so. They didn't say shit. Were you getting high back then? That's how silly I was. and they would fight a lot.

57:59 And I was thinking, you know i i knew a lot of kids when i was growing up that were doing drugs and they all turned out That's how I put it in my head. I put it in my head that Yeah. When he smokes pot, his relationship is tolerable. He was really honest. He took me up in his plane. Yeah. And I said, you know, fuck, you know. He's just gone. Yeah, at least it was like a partier.

1:01:52 When I first heard the news, I thought he killed her. Oh, yeah? I've dated a lot of crazies lately. Don't ever be around someone who's looking to get way more angry than they should. really like shouty and heckly and the reason why is because she's just not getting enough attention She wants someone to boss her around. who's going to fuck her correctly and shut her up.

1:03:36 Most of the time it's the opposite. and she doesn't know what it is, Yep, exactly. Can I get you a drink? With all that gone, what is your laptop doing it's over here It's coming from over there. Super. so yeah i think you know look you're you live the life of a comic. It's a silly life. Every time we had a break, every two hours, I'd run to my car, smoke,

1:06:36 No, but then I also don't eat much when I play cards. It does? and that's resources that it could put towards thinking. working out too quickly? What happens? It's the worst, especially in jiu-jitsu. writer he followed tony anagoni all over the country while they gambled playing pool it's a those types are. Yeah. So I was like, let me try that. You're like, oh, that was good eating.

1:09:25 I got 50% off steak at the grocery store. Don't you feel like a fucking man when you cook a steak over a fire? this is all about it's all about lump charcoal where it's actual wood. And you pour all the coal in there, and then you light the fire underneath it. We're talking two-inch steaks. like juice or something like that. I thought it was just like Tabasco or something.

1:11:31 And for the rest of your life, I, And he's got this big, crazy, one of those Texas smokers where it's a big iron lid. Have you ever been to a pig roast where they just chop the pig up? I did one of those. Is the pig alive at all during the hokey lau? to my ex and i was like hey um and she goes do you want me to take a picture of the black guy alright

1:13:38 that's like one of the top 10 When I worked at Arlington National Cemetery, they grew in the back once. The black people jumped in there. I'm assuming like Piranha 3D was. Right. The Latino guy got a piece, a small piece. I think they just went in there. But there was not enough watermelon for everybody. It was more interesting to watch. And I was like, what the?

1:16:01 dick makes you look at it it's uncomfortable Czech Congo pulled out his dick you'd have to know You'd be uncomfortable around him. Brian, you got this Tonetta song back. God damn it. But here's like... Yeah, no. I don't know. I don't know. you just go to the Washington Post and you go to fucking That disease that makes you age Is it all for it? This is just so you can see what they look like.

1:19:33 Does he have a... if you live in South Africa. Do you remember? whatever restaurant we're in the dj sings with him in this song like you can see the dj like yeah and he's doing all this That looks like an alien. Why are you judging? Jesus people say... That's a good question. What do they say? cash most of them were broke but some of them had so it's like what are they going to hell you're

1:22:41 Thank you very much, culture. Just make you feel bad. The East Coast is filled with savages. Way more forward thinking people out here. Yeah. West Coast, yeah. I think part of it is being on the East Coast, too. I really do. The East Coast is filled with savages. that all these psycho immigrants moved to the East Coast, and shit and came over here. They're

1:23:58 and kept moving, you know, and eventually they established. Yeah. you don't have to deal with than that you don't have to deal oh yeah clear across the country more outbreaks out there. their own diseases. in New York than in LA? seen anyone do that. And I was like, wow, this is so cliche. Actors who would freak out and throw their scripts down and storm off the set.

1:26:31 strong enough personalities to run a show. The lines that he would come up with The whole thing was so, so completely ridiculous. And he opens the door and he goes, excuse me? But back then, it was also like, I like breakdancing. They have like pals. This is one of the reasons why there's so many bad writers in hollywood i mean there's a fucking cunts and this guy was the perfect example of it was like it was shocking it was one of the

1:28:56 So you lived out here for a little while and then went back to New York? When you're a comic with the right voice Way before everybody You know, like, maybe the guy comes in and he just. Yeah. but anyway he became obsessed with it and wrote everything His first show, I wrote a pilot for his other one. and I only saw one episode of Lucky Louie, killing he likes killings how do you know i don't know the fuck you talking about of course that

1:31:28 if you work at a nightclub you know you know I used to give plasma to get weed i would No, you'd sell plasma and get money. I don't know. Have you had butt sex in the last two years? and they're like, we don't need your blood. from people, who knows what the fuck those people are just fucked raw dogs everywhere? Syphilis turns into cancer. Well, you get mad herpes from jujitsu.

1:34:14 That's crazy. Because it went systemic really or staph infection it was so bad this huge thing well you know she might be shooting up It looks like it, man. Who's that? She's saying it's a spider bite, but when I first saw it, I was like, dude, that looks like Steph. What? I love her pussy gonna work out and then it didn't i'm turned off by it so like to me i'm like i i'd rather so she's

1:36:28 I don't need to beat off that bad when I go on the road I do at at least. And it's silky and soft. Like when you were four years old and just figuring it out? Really? Because I didn't know what it was And yeah, all this fluid started coming out. like it was i came so hard my ears rang it was crazy wow like my my whole body like all your Is that what you have to do?

1:38:20 I mean, she might have put it in her mouth for about 15 seconds. So I keep doing it, like lean up right against the table and start doing it. for like a while i've been chasing that dragon ever since man i don't want to get that shit back Just both of you can say, we're not potheads. I'm like, what if the girl doesn't do it? you start freaking out with the tears.

1:40:03 I did cry. It's probably something like that. Doo, doo, doo. just to go smoke pot, In California, it is legal. I said I had knee surgery. But it was arthroscopic, so the wound was super small. I was like, maybe I got the wrong leg. My right knee, where they did it with a cadaver graft, that was when they replaced my ACL. There's a dead person. if it came with like

1:42:15 my hand or something was hunting this guy. I never saw the movie. Wow. There have been some I like that movie. When I saw Expendables, I was like, So that's a plus. Did it really? this seems like they're going to. I might have just lumped her Yeah. It's gross. But you cannot pretend when you see this. She's cool, though. Let her rock it how she likes to rock it.

1:44:44 Lacey Lane. Yeah, she was already just fully naked on stage. It's nothing. It's like, no, that doesn't, nobody cares about that. Would you have made her your girl? Uh-huh. Think about her getting fucked right in the butt. Do you? You do what Brian? Yeah. Do you? Well, you never looked at a picture of her masturbation purposes? She wouldn't do anything for me after that.

1:47:01 would be this type of porn because there's so many different types. Black guys fucking white girls gently. Yeah, but the black dudes are never like really soft and sensual. Or an Asian girl. But they're like abusing them. That shit's ridiculous. substantially because of all the free point sites yeah yeah he's you know tyler is uh he was on the if you produce and market your own DVD,

1:48:56 well, we'll just exploit that market too. Oh, okay. I know you want to beat off. what's his face? great and all of a sudden he was in a Cosby porno this kid's gonna be good Uh-huh. They had some good shit. No, I think it's pretty random both ways. you say louis anderson remember his manager came into the store once and uh he was like do you And that's like an easy job.

1:51:25 someone who doesn't when you start out together have you seen come along Yeah. Some people just start. The difference is everybody talks about working hard, but are you working effectively? and maybe your thinking you know, this truck up the hill It's like they are working hard. Yeah. Where are you going to go? I do everything in seasons. I say don't bother.

1:53:55 you want to get off your chest, Bunch of crap. That's just the only thing you're focusing on. That's the only thing I know about. I didn painted for 10 years. You write poetry. I do. Bunch of crap. Brian knows how to write jokes. I don't buy it, because have you ever tried Have you guys ever noticed? What are you doing? So she bent over, cupped her hand, farted in her hand, and blew it in my face and says, there's your eggs, bitch.

1:55:46 When did you hear the first one? There's people right now on iTunes, the haters right now, the Red Band haters that are going That's way too long. Kanye West. It's not the judge song video before we get out of here. Okay. The Kanye West. It just gets in your head. Why don't you load up Forget You? Damn! It blew up in her face. reality shows so dangerous it's amazing that reality shows aren't killing people left

1:58:21 everybody sort of considered that it was safe so all all of a sudden, there's this bullfighting thing. And you know how I am with animals. I'm like, are you guys really going to do this? possibly happen yeah go up to 10 when there there's animals, animals, or danger, and this is the taffy. and the Wolfman was right next door. Well, when I was really young, my dad beat the shit out of my mother in front of me when I was like five years old.

1:59:56 And right in front of me. want hamburger for dinner and uh she asked or he asked what you know what'd you get she goes And he's standing over her, screaming at her. Yeah, we know. This could happen here. that's locked in this cage and hates it, This chick almost, she weighed like 90 pounds, she got shook off the back of this bull, and kicked her in the face and shattered

2:02:12 This is dangerous. and they said, trying to ride them. How about Kanye West? Don't you know of this podcast. This is powerful. Who was that dude that used to stand behind him with a bow tie? Who was Professor X? Why? Yeah, Professor Griff. Police, that's as far as we can go. Whatever they're like, ooh, guy, no, we're selling records to white people. Yeah, Professor Griff.

2:04:09 Griff, was not radical they can squash I have to look out the mirror. Sounds like the music from Bed Bath & Beyond. Every one of them that I know. But really, nothing they've done is wrong Yeah. You misinformed. to be hit. I can't take it. there's not more talented Your comeback's got to be strong. You've got to knock that shit out of the park, dude.

2:08:21 Dude, he must have got crushed from that. Jesus Christ, I hate everyone. remember what's wrong with you boy You sure I liked him in that song Yeah The house where I lived Oh, that's your song. Oh, yeah. Tell them put the money in my hand right now Got a promoter, we need more seats We just sold out all the floor seats I like this, too. I like the song.

2:10:27 What? That's right. There's always the rumors that if you go to Australia, they'll just have sex with your He lives over there half the year. Australia's a paradise. it's to end on a positive. This is ridiculous. fucking sappy hunk of shit. And then once they do express their brilliance, and attention gets sabotaged you lose your creativity. It's always good to end on a strong note.

2:13:15 I have that as well, but you can't take it unless you take the Fleshlight. Joey Diaz and I are going to take a tour of the factory. Hit me with something good to fade out to. Do one show or two? What do you got me? See you next week. I love this dirty bitch It's not just hammered I mean, she's a nut and a fucking banana head. You know the heroin's just a symptom of some other problems

2:15:27 chick they know that she's she's exuding songs good this is something real she's doing it you know Ladies and gentlemen, this is... Disrespect. I'll tell you what. If Amy Winehouse was a man he wouldn't have done that you think he's a homer towards man yes you got hatred all right here we go if i did it i would What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

2:16:33 What? What? What? Ari Shafir has no sacred cows. Could You Be Loved still gets me, bro. I like this song. Management. Okay. Can't convince someone to like... He probably knows this song, too. it's like i don't like just don't if you don't you don't isn't it is there anything universal You don't know Midnight Rider? Find Midnight Rider by the Allman Brothers.

2:19:32 it captured and doing heroin Yeah, I know. Just out of respect. I want to hear some and having fucking No, what you just described, the internet. But I'm saying, these guys got huge. They could get, they'd freak on. Ladies and gentlemen, listen. You like how it's got it set up here? Just an awesome set up. Very similar Steve Ren Azizi, who's also hilarious and a Comedy Store veteran.

2:23:19 Fuck, fuck, yeah, yeah. Self-adjusted envelopes. This time, no false advertising.