Joe Rogan Experience #428 — Tom Segura Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience. And then we did McDonald's Theater in Eugene, Oregon on Saturday. Big deal. I thought it happened all the time there. There was a huge thing where they didn't budget correctly, You're like, ooh, I wonder how that'll look. Like, haven't done anything for, like, three days. Hilarious. right and then we get there and there's still like a great turnout everybody who came was a

2:51 And he's still going. Yeah. Look at this thing just sliding. What is crazy. Look at this thing just sliding. This is preposterous. But it's also a lot of frozen rain And you get that horrible He's still going slideways. You couldn't tell. you know, I guess maybe it's colder. These guys don't know how to drive. Yeah. Yeah, it was horrible. Dude, Fans. TSA.

5:45 Quarter. And then he's like saying ridiculous shit. Why is it not okay to say? You know, I have, and this is one of the things that I've been on about lately, I don't even know what he said to you, and I'm already laughing just thinking about all the shit he said to me in the past. He has no sense of like. And this guy, I look in the uniform, looks over.

7:40 You're too high for this. And then I walk away from it. Like so out of my mind. that double look luggage thing, Joey Diaz. Yeah In So we leave there. the best part so i take the quarter bite right and i'm completely fucking out of my mind he eats an he goes, oh. can't believe how much more advanced you are than me. I go, I can't believe how much that affected me.

10:54 I go, I'm glad it's starting to wear off. And he's like, there's got to be a deeper spot. There's no breaks. Yeah. That you see people react to him. Right, right, right. What is that? You want to kill somebody, you invite them over for dinner. Yeah. Totally. or a lot of people tells you about his day. where he's just being Diaz. Do a set somewhere We got to see so little of it

14:47 So it was like doing a special event kind of show. Yeah, it was awesome. It's changed for everybody. Right. Yeah. You have a bunch of reoccurring things that you do that people look forward to. why you showed up right yeah so yeah it's it's pretty fun man it's changed everything though Like, if you're on a sitcom, like Mike and Molly, It's great. If you go to see him doing stand-up, you know, like, you know him in a form of what he does.

17:20 in this conversation and I think it's the best way to get a good crowd or an gonna be this type of humor right that's a great thing about doing your like you're like it It's fucking funny too, man. He's a really good guy. It's nice. guy too, man. He's a really good guy. Robert De Niro and Sylvester Stallone, movie is more preposterous than Godzilla.

19:26 It's so irresponsible too. It would be sad. How hurt would these guys be, you think, murder De Niro, unless De Niro Have you seen a picture of him walking down Beverly Hills and you see the veins in his forearms? I had to interview him for Spike TV. Yeah. It was just funny, man. I heard De Niro's like the most notoriously difficult interview. And I think the beauty of being an actor, there's probably some merit and some extra

22:33 could you imagine if, like, say if De Niro had a podcast, it puts them in a weird category. A lot of times they're contractually obligated Like, that was one of the things that people relished He's like, for fuck's sake, man, you're a fucking amateur. He's like 70. My grandpa didn't look like that when he was 67. No. Look at him. Those feathers. You got to face the inevitability of your own demise

25:30 The Hammer Yeah as well. He had an artificial disc put doing all need the same thing too. oh he just had knee surgery and these are just guys who you know played sports like they were A diet, you've got to give your body the building blocks to to repair tissue you got to give that of months later, pop, ah, fuck. I'd hurt it again. And it just kept hurting it.

28:46 Really? And then the most recent is this Regenokine. I'm doing a terrible job of explaining the science. Like he did it to my neck only a month ago, like five weeks ago. Yeah. You have to pay for it out of pocket. But they can do the procedure. They pulled out eight ounces of blood they've experienced some pretty significant benefit from doing this stuff. And it lasts for years. That's fascinating shit. But you know,

31:50 Yeah. This is just step one. They're going to want at one point in time And you're like, what the hell is going on? What the fuck is going on next door? This bitch is going back in time. She's eating God. She can work out again. What the fuck is going on next door? I wonder if that's possible. Look at that. Damn! A lot more fucking. And just dropping dick internationally every day.

34:25 fix, especially if you're an old in a couple months. Everywhere. I think that shit's inevitable. What is a hip? It's rough. Or a nose job? I showed you one of the boogers. Who was the first guy to make a fucking artificial hip? Well, my friend who had it done in New York, according to our friend Brian Callen, he was No, no, no. They're really big, too.

37:51 It's also one of the reasons why they're so good at submissions. Oh, my God. And Bobby Orr used to come in there all the time. Really? I bet he was probably in his 50s. So when he walked, man, he literally couldn't bend his knees. it. You're sliding around, and you're on ice. Your knees are going every fucking which way. Nobody did back then. Absolutely, absolutely.

41:06 probably multiple concussions in the same week. Yeah. country, and got some stem cell treatment because he's had significant atrophy of his and there was a lot of problems with it. and he's not fitting into his suits anymore. You know what I mean? I'm telling you, we're probably 100 years away from a time where genetic improvements are like cell phones.

43:37 Right. just like wolverine that's a yeah we're gonna have a lot of problems when it comes to technology in They shouldn't have the ability to just, what kind of accountability? It's almost like you have this incredible ability but you don't have any And that's why they're doing it. So if you're that unhappy, but now your power is genetic mutation, is a real result.

46:57 use it as fuel to fix your life. Nobody teaches you that. Nobody tells you that in school. It That's us. Extreme poverty. If you went from being a lawyer to being a meth head. Because you have resentment. And there's so many people, too. Yeah. and his mom's a crackhead and his dad is nonexistent The fact that we put so much fucking money into war You have so few ultra-rich that make up such a huge amount of the income so you have basically you know this

51:17 They'll give it away. Like $30-something million on real estate development that didn't go through. Not surprising at all. He says no character, no ability. The only difference is you won your lottery the moment you were born. as soon as It'd be different if, you won a hundred million dollars because when you talk about those big, what are the big ones called?

54:10 That's so much money. You're going to have to pay taxes, but you're going to get your full amount. Well, maybe you would be worried that they would go under If they go under. I still think you'd still get your money. You think so? I do. the lottery and you get The thing is, you can get whatever, $50,000. You're fine. All the time. People are going to ask you to give them a million dollars a year.

56:56 You can't give me a million a year. It's weird when someone starts asking you for money. $1,000. Would you start a business? home I desire the most that where would that be I don't know maybe Hawaii Hawaii maybe you'd have five hours drive up the top of a mountain. I mean, there's no need to be here anymore. Where would it be? Newport, that area. Buy a house in Seattle, New York, Miami.

59:18 Yeah, I do. LA hat. I'd never want to go there. They've never visited half the time. He's putting the bag tag on her bag and it says LAX. That's the other thing is they go the city is red carpet like they think that it's like and they think that because you live in la What's this based on? It's the opposite of outside of LA. It's a big difference between that and a place where they don't get to see someone who's

1:01:35 Yeah. We talk about that, like, everybody talks, yeah, it's because it's fucking awesome here. It's fun, of course you like the change, Sunny, beautiful. Everything sucks. I think But can I say one thing about traffic? it's just one of the things that comes with it. I couldn't believe the line. You stop and you've got to pay. Yeah, that's pretty nuts, man.

1:04:58 They're really authentic. There's something about being happy and dealing with a little bit of struggle. So it's great to come here once you're a developed human. Did I ask you? Yeah. They, like, we weren't even talking about that, dude. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, did I ask you? Out of their minds. I mean, how could they? 40 million. Like, you're not really American.

1:07:19 Really? reform. Well, you know, you're not going to stop people And when you arrest them and you take their car away, you're just stealing from them. Ever. Of course not. Everybody does. And if they're not included in our culture, we get rid of them. had kids here who are now American citizens, and we're going to ship the parents out? This is too dangerous where I live.

1:10:02 Now they can. But for the longest time, that was the dilemma of the children of illegal immigrants who were born in another country that were smuggled over here for their own future, for their own safety. then you decide, well, listen, we need to take care of these people. would not function shut It would shut down. And that goes not just for Southern California.

1:12:01 It's complicated. going to Certainly benefiting on the shit like they did with the WTO when they started moving factories down to Mexico. They're a construct, What's he trying to do? Cash money. With trillions of dollars in debt. And they would be a private company then? But see, Apple doesn't want to bring that cash back. vote on whether or not to to go through with this buyback Wow I never thought

1:15:22 Yeah, people who say that there's no, I don't need money. I don't need much money. You have a lot of power at that point. You know what kind of community centers you could set up with $20 billion? The amount of money those guys have, when you really stop and think about the corporate These 30-acre compounds with these 50,000 square feet homes, A million!

1:17:19 And that house fucked him. Tyson's house was dog shit compared to Van Der's. Mike Tyson? Well, I know he lived there. It doesn't say here. How dare you, Jamie Jamie God damn it Jamie You're downgrading Ohio son Poor bastard The grounds, just the grounds. crazy amounts of money, right? Allegedly. all his money. They just took it all. Look at the fucking size of that.

1:19:57 Look at the fucking aerial view. I don't think anybody made the kind of money that Floyd Mayweather is making now. Cost more than $1 million annually to maintain. he just didn't give a fuck i guess that's not man but that's crazy child support payments into her body. is like the hoes show up. They have, like, they're already set up with the lawyer for when they get pregnant to how to file for child support.

1:22:29 Did you take cum? Bang, bang, bang. Sure. It's funny that we were talking about lotto winners I can't understand it. Yeah, just live in a nice neighborhood, buy a decent 10 stash. 10, yeah. Just live in a nice neighborhood. You made like 20 million this year, fought Roberto Duran, fought some of the greats, was homeless, He would try to keep up with them.

1:25:11 So he's done two documentaries for ESPN, and it's about athletes who have basically spent it all. So if you're always doing that, then you show up with a new chain. you're just competing. 50. Why He was responsible for financially. 50? 50. Like Andre Rison was taking care of 40 people. that she had 7,000 women who would receive an automatic text message every time Michael

1:27:55 Imagine the pussy that's been thrown at Michael Jordan. He's winning them. Just shut up. Well, his shoe brand is the absolute craziest. His shoes still outsell LeBron and Kobe, which is, and he's been done for years. Wow. Oh, my God. And the top 10 is like always the craziest list of guys who we all know who they are. I bet he was. He's crazy. I bet he took that shit super seriously, too.

1:30:49 Just stack some money on the table. There was a book about it. Isn't that incredible? Some young hottie too. You think that's a pretty airtight prenup you'd get when you marry Michael Jordan? You get 23 and you for life. It's so crazy. And he was famous for, I don't know if it was him or his agent at the time, but he's and he made many, many more millions than he would have.

1:33:29 You know, another thing is, too, basketball, you're not getting hit in the fucking head. Oh, yeah. I'd make a lot of money. I'm a champ. worry about God will provide real deal Jesus will provide me with my bounty okay he's still fighting He got leg kicked. Evander. Four hours ago. Wow. It's back on the free market for $6.8 million. Wow. be able to do to make money on that somehow man no no no one cares no i'm saying make money like

1:36:25 Why don't you want this? Some baller. One of those Salt No. 9 type characters. We're almost three hours in. I was doing this club that I've done many times called Rumors. So you don't, like, it's more like you're doing a corporate, like you're doing a private event, you know. What happened? tagging everything I said. And like the first, like really talking loud.

1:39:23 Right. Fuck you, man. So it was their group, and then other groups chimed in? And then they're like, bring back the... I resigned to the fact that I wasn't as flustered as I've been during a regular. Yeah, exactly. You're gone. And they were like, just give him another chance. I don't know. They're just, don't do that again. What was he saying to you while this was going on?

1:42:56 And then I was like, oh, you're a tough guy? what that's when the guy But that's, you know, the guy was clearly, he was instigating it. You came to see my stand-up. that have to deal with the fact I mean, you've probably not heard a lot of it. Right. me to bring back the other guy and they go yeah like they scream yes and i go asked me if you guys wanted me to bring back the other guy.

1:45:37 These are Canadians, too. And I was like, okay. And I see, like, how, like, she's way affected by this. because you're a nice lady and blah blah i go i'll bring back the black guy so i brought the Yeah. Trix are for kids. 172. He did a good job, man. I got shit I got to do. We're doing New York City? Oh, beautiful. D.C. Beautiful. Yes. Oh, no shit?

1:49:05 of your fucking awesome flowers. That's offer code JRE Save 10% off any and all supplements. He'll also be Wednesday night. Our good friend, the full charge? It's called This is the Part of the Job I Hate, I think. Follow him