Joe Rogan Experience #448 — Tom Segura Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! Hilarious. the only way you could get to the 10th floor where the auditorium is, so it was like it was madness and it was First of all, they're solid as fuck. Building, yeah. such momentum that it would go down these hallways and literally make it upstairs. So you'd be on That's where wind's coming from. Yeah. And I wonder if that has any factor

4:06 You move the curtain and there's no window. Oh yeah. air conditioned rooms, invisible air around us all the time, Yeah. Just put a huge wall. Yeah. Fascinating, fascinating dude. They're crazy as shit. But when it does happen, you're fucked. something happens by, so we only fly. What do they live? They live like seven That's how long a fly lives? Yeah, most of days sometimes as long as two months whoa so two big difference i'm an old school

8:43 You know, I mean, that's what their version the winter being months is winter is varying lengths And they're all terrified of winter. You'll be all right. There's definitely cities that have, like you could argue that it's pretty seriously winter by October. cold as fuck yeah i ran into a couple in pho in Phoenix that came to the shows, the shows down there, and they

10:35 Especially Phoenix. It's beautiful. And if you happen to, like, walk on a pavement, oh, my God, or get into a car, When you think about it, everybody would if they could. It's one of those Alaska shows where these people are living in these strange climates, She's by herself up there, Does she have a beard? All right. And I've been trying to figure this lady out.

12:38 She seems to, like, thrive off of it. Right. They get their vegetables from, She lost several close family members, fell through the ice, and fucking froze to death. That's it. No, that woman just, that's how they live. Yeah, there's four or five different groups. So when they're outside, they're outside, man. Yeah. She got attacked by, and those are grizzly bears.

15:56 I'll give you a break. Yeah, but sharks, the idea of you fighting off a shark. On the shore You could take a great white shark I'll find it, You're fucked. you have about the same amount of chance, except the only thing that saves you is that sharks are stupid Most likely you'll miss. Yeah, that's crazy. Unusual homeless activity. This guy, it seems like he might have been a crazy person.

18:21 You know, this is something we talked about on the Opie and Anthony show when we were in New York. That's Tommy Bunz, Ricky Gervais, Jim Norton, and Opie and Anthony and us. Very nice guy. more powerful than a pit bull. Well, you know, you're not even intending I thought it was going That's just fucking bananas. Yeah. knew about them, It's so funny.

20:26 and then they had these people run through the mountains most out of shape guy with the worst diet They're not dogs. when he gets his kid a wolf? And he just keeps it in the garage. because of their goddamn oral traditions but seems legit to me you know i'm not so sure that this is Because of this opportunity, our family's going to be taken He's hysterical, man. Did you see him in This is the End?

22:49 And you were so funny in it, you know? Kenny Powers? so it's important You know the best part about that character? That's exactly how I am. Yeah, it's annoying if that dude's your fucking neighbor, You got a reality show where, oh, whoopsops you made someone famous who's a fucking idiot and Stupid as fuck. They were just hanging out at AVN. They were there the weekend.

25:31 Good for them. reality show you'd be making that asshole famous right and there'd be people on facebook i fucking Maybe I should just fucking relax. It's about what's on your mind, man. I'm no scientist, but I know a gay kid in my neighborhood. He's always dressing up in dresses. He's not really into it. Over nothing. I mean, I just don't get it. There's more there. That's the same statement. It's the same statement.

29:20 orientation. That's the parallel. Well, people don't want anyone to make the comparisons to and fuck you and you know and yeah and gay some people gay is a choice i've seen a lot of weirdness and people hate Chinese people. You know, for lying with another man. Fucking Russia. I mean... away from kids which is the most yeah yeah that was the crowd that's the part that i didn't mention that's a big whoa it's a big whoa yeah i mean look they are fostering an

32:11 The guy's not going anywhere if he gets voted out, you know? They're going to have conflict. And then, you know, it's so stupid crazy it's so crazy and so stupid. I think a thing, by the way, about why you say black people sometimes get more fired up about the comparison is, in my experience, a lot of black people, they come from really Christian homes.

34:20 And a disproportionate amount of black people voted for that. I'm getting it from just having spoken and been exposed to a lot of black people. What's amazing, apparently, a lot of these African-American churches, I think a lot of people have given the credit to the Mormons for defeating that Prop 8, right? the the whole you know what, what Mormonism is.

36:44 So it's another battle taking place. And every now and then you So it's like, whoa, that's a tricky thing you did there. with white guilt and they don't want to come down on black people and they don't want to come down touchy subject. Tough You know, the big thing now is is for the last few years to win over, right? Somebody who can, not an extremist. They're leaning left now, younger

41:01 70% of people of black people voted that gay people shouldn't be allowed to be married and that That's the big thing. If less of them get married, It's just how people are raised. The real problem is when your ideas start fucking with other people's lives for no reason when your ideas are based on just some In the Bible, you're supposed to die for that.

43:24 Yeah, they're all cardigans now uncover not your heads So everyone not wearing a hat, you fucked us up. I wrote that shit down Wear a hat. Make a soup over here, man. Maybe it keeps your dick covered. They didn't call that a head back then. They it meant your other head. Yeah, maybe. Maybe it keeps your dick How come they're not going crazy about that?

45:15 Because that's in the Bible too, fuckface Like Eddie Bravo's got a, You print something on you. Okay? You'd all die in hell. drinks wine in church! Part of the Holy Sacrament. Was there even a quote that he said, like, I don't even And they're actually on animal skins that they found in an area of Israel called Qumran. The website is dss.collections.img.org.

48:11 essentially the oldest stories of the they don't have the full work, but it's pretty that they found this shit in clay pots. Well the dude Constantine didn't even get baptized until like right before he died like you know So when you're dealing with the New Testament, Get out of here. Some dude would be right now writing it. just really good at it yeah you could dominate a huge group of people and by the way you could

51:12 Is that that kind of thing? You're God. Oh, please go on go on with your Gucci sunglasses I don't think anybody thinks that. how to create anything now? How come you're not knowledge and information in this life. We're all creating our own universe Is that what she thinks? I love it. but we don't know that and there's a lot of with that world might be might be much more significant than we think it is and it's one

55:14 So the lowest measurable portion of the universe tiniest measurable parts of the world it's all magic it's all empty space i mean atoms are mostly The smallest portions that we can measure are magic is never going to crash. I don't, I don't believe that. I mean, this is coming from also from a But it might be. and consciousness have on the universe itself. We don't know. We assume that it's simple as

58:14 plane go go tell some jokes we don't know that that we exist right we just assume based on the I might not be real. you dick if you decide to live your life within that thought that reality is what really is the reason why aliens exist too many men out there that are raping there's too much nonsense there's too many people that of the roaring 20s of the digital age.

1:01:20 This is the strangest, wildest, most possibility-filled time in life. These idea, first monkeys with customized DNA, programmed genetic mutations. or a monkey that grows wings and flies like a bat. beings to eventually become. If you go back to the lower hominids, you go back to monkeys, the ability to talk without using language to look like a million years from now.

1:04:07 out of the shrews and the monkey and the rats In terms of the universe, eventually it's going to be able to read your mind so you don't have to talk You're going to laugh about it. and it gets to me in one second. where we're going to be able to just go. Whoever you want. had to stay still for like a minute. Yeah. Instead of sit there. You think we're shrinking?

1:07:20 Is that Christy Brinkley? I mean, she definitely looks like an older, mature woman, but I would send it home. Yeah. All that shit, son. And they're already doing tests on that and they're they're already like doing Our nutrients are going to be delivered through our car seats. And you're going to be able to sit in your little Honda on your way to work.

1:09:05 that program punching that program and take you on a journey to henry of the eighth land you'll you'll Someone figured out a way to have electricity, Push that in front of the, Yeah. and showed someone from King Arthur's time, There's electricity in the walls. You're dead Oh my god And I don't know how I guess the It had maybe the shut off just get really fucked up. I got lucky as a kid. I stuck a key into an outlet.

1:10:57 The key broke in half. And so I put it in there. Do you remember the Thomas Edison experiments they did when Thomas Edison was trying to warn people against the effects of alternating current? Thomas Edison, interesting cat, again when you think about human beings it's not that long ago man yeah you know. Like this is, again, when you think about human beings, it's not that long ago, man.

1:12:38 So this is when people were just starting to figure out what the fuck electricity could do. Damn, dude. Like, what a crazy fuck that guy is. So that must have been like a huge wave of fear I mean, they connected it with wires here we are in Times Square, ladies and falls face first. You're not even eating an elephant. Or, well, 1903, really? Heroes.

1:15:29 making out. smack you around. Smacking them. that wouldn't cause you to hit them. He's an actor. Pull that up so we can watch that. A few years go by. I didn't love that. Hold on. I didn't love that. I don't think it's that bad. I think it's absolutely right somebody added that in the video yeah that's someone ruined So crazy. like i'm gonna do battle with you now yeah he. He likes conflict. That's a guy who wants to have conflict.

1:19:03 And sometimes I have to smack them. He's a screaming bitch that lets me send it in. There's a lot of people that get sucked up into this idea of fighting and then making up and then to make up sex. and it's heartbreaking. And you're nice to each other They need the benefit of having all these emotions run through your head, having all these bad feelings,

1:20:42 once the relationship is over. But then again, what happens after that? You really are. enhancing sex. Get together and smoke some pot before you do it. You'll feel electricity through fingers. Have sex on mushrooms. I thought, like, I was fucking this really tall girl once, and I was on mushrooms, and Don't do it. That's one of the weird things about psychedelics

1:23:44 traits you know there's a lot of weird personality traits. I know. Like, you, really, we can't have you drinking. Less than that, I think. The DNA of peanut allergic kids changes with immune therapy, study finds. there's a lot of fucking foods that people are allergic to. Yeah. Well, we didn't know. So lucky. Like, a couple years ago? And then, yeah, that's really a bummer, man.

1:27:02 From heroin? Boogie Nights. great actor you have a sensitivity that's I know several people. But God, it's just I'm not I'm just anti heroin. where they're not able to function. it these pills and then you like sort of feel normal for a while yeah Like it's not just an emotional thing. and it just sent her over the edge. and I'd have too many drinks

1:31:10 Yeah. go through that before sets. was like no i'm just done now you know so yeah alcohol is fun it's fun it's fun to drink it's No getting drunk. I mean, it sounds so duh. And it really is nothing. I never drink at home. Yeah. Nightclub. They can't say there's a double standard. as well like men being drunk that a woman woman taking advantage, yes, ladies, that is rape.

1:34:29 is that in that situation, Let's make it a responsible story. Oh yeah, it was horrible. You're saying something that is so preposterous You've obviously have most likely have had sex with them before. something that you were fighting, you know? Or even if you You have a girl in your bed. If you're a grown adult, you're not a 10-year-old. Brian could.

1:37:19 and then while you're sleeping, you wake up and she's sucking your dick. I wouldn't have said yes for you sucking my dick if I was awake. or like, And she tries to pretend, and he's like, what's going on? But still finished, and we'll talk about it. Two drinks, you can still make really good decisions on drinks. And by taking this hard, rigid stance, you diminish the effect of something like Steubenville where they are getting someone so fucked up and taking advantage of someone who's so fucked up.

1:39:31 There's no alcohol. They're intoxicated. that they're like a child, like we have to protect them. you know, we, we had drinks together and she raped me. How many drinks did you have? Two. actions yeah but you're not sexually. And they're so rigid on this because they want to support 100% women and women's rights It's just, it's black and white. You know?

1:42:48 It's not bad. that you can prove for sure and have varying degrees of good and bad That's a giant generalization. So are some fucking bouncers. dudes who are we all know dudes but we all know an equal or more a greater amount of dudes who And he's always like criticizing himself you know and the idea that he's like that at all. He's a funny guy. Those fucking kids

1:46:14 to see it happen I heard those kids were bad. And the way he would say it was just so fucking... progressives this idea that you're going to silence that kind of thinking and talking you know silence somehow or another gives it a green light, It's not stand-up. and beat the shit out of people. this progressive black and white mindset, We need less violence.

1:49:04 joke that someone doesn't really mean that's really cruel and nasty yeah yeah if you um if you really What's trigger warnings? is coming up. And it might trigger post-traumatic stress. This is trigger warning, Is either off limits or severely limited? fighting. Just giving you a heads up. Every fucking television show on crime, which almost all of them are.

1:51:52 dude violence is so kind it's so crazy when you when you watch uh shows and they um they have I'm tired of this hogwash. It's yeah, it's so ridiculous. You know, you can't also you god forbid they show a who cuts people in half. It's fine. You know what I can't for 10 minutes afterwards. Yeah, I walked out just before this happened. Yeah. Yes. Who does that?

1:54:33 But if you get done, zip up, walk all the way around, how do you feel about this? and whether or not Well, once they close that door, Once they get in that door, they close that door, they just, you have to. Let it out. I love girl farts? It's amazing. And we were like, what's the thinking about it? Yeah, behave a certain way. and she left, and she went to this other guy's house and fucked

1:57:08 That guy's an animal yeah it wasn't it wasn't even done he wanted to fuck more that's crazy that is crazy though that we don't you know that we have fucked one guy, said goodnight, honey, Why do you care? You could be one of those guys. Guy's like, I can't believe you did that, you dirty bitch. So stupid. Boston girls farting? I mean, I don't like single single stall unisex bathrooms yeah

1:59:29 I got to take a shit. I got here on time, but I had to shit. You're like, oh, fuck, now I got to grind this thing out quick. As soon as I sat down, I wanted to go to sleep. Oh, no. And then once you're taking that shit, you got this pressure thing. I'm going to have to empty it and then I'm going to come back later. Because sometimes the amount that will come out of me is just incredible to me.

2:01:47 You might drink milk, which has got some solids in there. thing for some guys some guys like women shitting on glass coffee tables yeah i always heard that on those tables. Really? Shit was in your eyeballs and you died knowing that shit was all over your face and feeling the hot blood rush out of your neck. I'd like to see him have explosive diarrhea on a glass table. I think that it would be much more interesting to watch Diaz shit than some model.

2:03:19 Curly squirrely turd. pills in little clumps. with glass tubes coming down and then the exhibit is you walk around and they all shit at the same time. That's all glass. um how we were talking about expensive photography because we saw this really expensive photography I'm going... Anyway, the guy said, these things pick up a lot. Fucking weirdo. Like, oh, amazing.

2:06:03 He's actually putting on an exhibit next month. But he's talented. Right. show up to the gallery, the base of the fear yeah yeah as we talked about this um exit through the gift shop is uh exactly It's like, okay, how many times has there been a Comedy Central special, My favorite all-time comedian. Yeah, yeah. Of course. He had a good time? Like, Roger Ebert was a famous guy.

2:09:22 everybody is a critic we all get to say what we like and don't like. More of a Siskel guy. And there's some pretty eloquent reviews by people who don't do it for a living. I think that that site is a better indicator because it gathers you know basically uh averages Yeah, who the fuck are you? I don't know. Exactly. But what I really like to do is judge other people's shit. That's my favorite thing. You know, they usually want to be authors

2:12:32 at the reviews and you go, okay, I see what this guy's saying. It was sexy. He co-wrote. But if you know about the behind the scenes struggles to even get dog shit made you'd realize how difficult it is to have to have Like if you write a blog entry and you wrote it all by yourself, you don't know that he's actually i mean getting on exactly what he wants all the time right yeah

2:14:58 from one source. of less and less notes. Well, like, South Park, perfect example. The countdown to... how many other people just leaves it alone. They just leave it alone. The best way. It's a beautiful thing that they figured out You know, there's so many people is valuable. If you have a new Chappelle show Yep. Now, all this restrictions, all this, you can't just be wild anymore.

2:18:23 Yeah. I know that the Playboy radio on Sirius radio, which is now I think Vivid radio, they used to have up to like a month ago, they had these rules that you weren't allowed to talk about incest. What the fuck? For something someone else said. you know, you know, you know, They had all this stuff that you had to go through and do. Why don't they fucking do this on every radio show?

2:21:20 or jack radio and all right all the pre-programmed stuff. I tell you, that Jack Radio is pretty sweet, though. and you don't want to listen to fucking idiots babble, which is a lot of what you get on those morning shows. Yeah. You know, and then when the restrictions came down and they had to be as generic and as he blew the roof off of the the business because all of a sudden a guy came along that wasn't scared to talk to take on

2:23:32 It creates drama in the new city. So it's easy to do. They do that too, yeah. you're that guy and you hear that it's so fucking you might know that ona got a hold of your radio Yeah, it's over, dude. Yeah, yeah. And I got all these fucking angry people on Twitter that were angry that this other show didn't win. started coming my way and then you're just reading it it was like this is so stupid like you don't

2:26:46 We, on this podcast especially, as a rule, support other people. when they come on. good. to podcasts you you should listen to whatever you like you know the idea that somehow or another I love what I love. We didn't even talk about the UFC. Another guy threw a chair at a woman. where there actually are chairs and there's... because we were all, I realized that sometimes fights happen in the stands

2:30:04 What fight was going on while this was happening? That was a crazy Well, he had him in a north-south choke too for a while That's the way I described it because they were just, they were so ridiculous. But I thought there was some fights It's too bad because, first of all, Like it was a hard kick. which, of course, look, he's the champion. But Herb Dean stopped the fight kind of early.

2:33:10 I didn't think it was quick enough to stop the This is the Jamie Varner, Abel Trujillo fight. Oh, Trujillo hit him so perfect, too. like one of the wildest, Yeah, and he won. Or he came back and he made a draw Yeah, yeah. of that fuck yeah there was some some great fights jose aldo's a fucking beast and so is that kid Yeah. He's tough. He kept trying to win.

2:36:07 He kind of admitted to it, I mean, yeah. Well, they'll do stand-up. It's so much fun. And they're all free, of course. Thanks also to LegalZoom.com. And even though everybody had to get, It's a real honor having people that are so nice and so and we love you