Joe Rogan Experience #45 — Tom Green Transcript

Transcript

0:00 According to server right now. You know what's not natural? 80-year-old dudes with hard-ons. Oh, my God, I have this. Write this down. to our porno industry these women don't just grow on trees it takes lots of drunk daddies missing a Sing your song Okay, you take bomb, right? Obesity. There was cheesecake and pork chops everywhere. You fat mother f***er, there's room in the bag. Take it.

3:33 one of the richest countries in the world and the minimum wage is lower now than it was 35 years Well, he lives in a box. He goes, why don't you go out and get a job, you bum? very clever stand-up comedian, passed away, I don't know if this was an accident, Coked up? I've never even done coke once. He had some great stuff. Jesus Christ. It's been a tough year for him.

7:01 Yes. I know. We have like a couch. But this is a whole different system you guys have here, which is cool. We used to use stage mics, like the mics you use for stand-up, which are great if you're holding them up to your mouth. Look that up on Google, everybody. I did a radio show in college cassette player that we use, though. and double cassette what's the word

9:10 Helter-skelter. What do you need? I did this show for six years, not even when I was in high school. It must be hard as fuck to keep up. computer editing. That's the most incredible thing. my friend just got it and I'm You touch the screen and oh, you got one already too. The resolution is insane. And then when it gets to this iPhone, I mean, that is a fucking home computer.

12:15 Yeah, you can swear like a motherfucker. No. It's an auto-tune. But no, it's a lot of fun doing this stuff. Well, you became very popular because of your public access show. that was before and he's very white his fucking ass off. I love rap music man I like the camera with the monitor. When is you? And the song and the video was playing on TV and everything.

15:50 this yet? I love Public Enemy I don't know. Exhibit, yeah. before you became a comedian? really mainstream yet in on the radio in canada like in the 80s 90s but uh but yeah so but you coming out of, you know, and criminal-minded, the record, Why is that going to screw up music? It's like, it'll be the death of comedy. Yeah. That little kid, the one that sang

19:05 And he's in a high school, You could see the girls were into it. They were like 13. Play that, man. You know what? How come I can't be on that show? Yeah, they put too much pressure on The strangest thing about hollywood is as the people that they're selling it to. and know everything, right? Do you watch They're hamming it up to the camera. Well, apparently it's all set up, but I don't care.

22:19 Yeah. He's pulling it off and it's working. Because as soon as you put the camera on it, it's going to change what's going on. snuff film television. Yeah. They're still doing all this stuff on the show. So yeah, they think they just get used to the camera, and that's just the way they would And they're just out there running around, not giving a fuck about how the world works That's exactly what it's like in the jersey

24:28 Didn't pay attention. Politics. Actually, now I'm starting to, I'm a little bit mad at myself that I haven't watched it more. I don't watch that anymore. I'll find that one on YouTube, okay? Susan Boyle. And it was just sort of the perfect, perfect thing that happened there. Yeah. there is good stuff that i find in here sometimes but just going through life now like when you're

26:44 You know when you're in school and stuff and you're around people. They were cool guys. there's this guy am i feeling that mark parento was the the afternoon dj and you know he was like And then they throw them in there. There's an art to being a true fan of the music This is this. And I sound like an old guy now. It's not like it was back when I was a kid.

29:00 He's always connecting. And I'll hook up the Shazam i told that to eddie and he's like that's impossible he's trying to tell me about music and it's not that big of a deal. It's real. And they can do it for practically every fucking song You can just start playing it in your car. So we'd go into the radio station all the time, always looking for cool beat breaks and stuff.

31:16 Is that okay if I say that? It was on a pole. And we had a meeting, just a discussion, having a beer, talking about some ideas, television ideas. And I'm looking at it, and I'm just thinking, okay, apart from I really missed the thing, to having a Buddha in your house. these things in different artistic ways and that the Buddha is a character of peace.

33:04 I love a lot of Thai artwork. Like a dead guy? Self-mummification was a practice, and it's been done several times by these monks. slowly and it keeps maggots from growing they seal the coffin up and then he's in there for good and he's mummified what self-mummification Is this self-mummification porn? You should actually stop this. And they're in the lotus position, man, with their fucking robes on and their mummies.

35:33 by the way, I'm reading this on the internet. You were talking about the UFOs last night at your show So fun, nice little place I fucking drank like crazy by making them sit there and watch me. I have a bunch of questions I want to ask you because I've started trying to do stand-up comedy this year. I'm not trying to do it. Yeah, it's a whole new world, isn't it?

36:58 It was fun, yeah. He's one of the best guys out there today. He had this awesome party in a car wash. this amazing party in this car wash What? it's got the garage, So it was good times. it was really good. That's a nice move. Next thing you know, I'm up here at your house. from my stand-up that we've edited. Very funny stuff, man. At TomGreenLive is my Twitter.

39:51 What is Pranksters about? Well, it's not top secret, You went out there with that, man. heard enough good reviews of it. the thing, thank you for saying that, They said, okay, they had all these directors. You're picking all the props. And then they go off and these are like people that are professionals, you know, Then the movie comes out. and the whole sort of everybody talking about your movie

42:51 I sing that. It feels a lot. It was a bunch of fogey old douchebags that kind of shit. I always go to Fandango or something. I get your reviews from ain'titcool.news.com, like that kind of shit. The other day, I went and I looked at Netflix, okay, at the reviews of the movies, right? So I did this just two days ago, and I looked at Netflix, at the reviews of the movies.

44:27 at the 50% of the people that hate it, and that's the joke, right? Here we are 10 years later after I made this thing people would be so into it And it's going to be just a bunch of crazy pranks, I carry around a bow and arrow. this take place? It was about two years ago in New York City. And did the guy know you were Tom Wouldn't that be kind of weird?

46:28 Essentially, yes. Fairly solid jaw. Uh-huh. But I wasn't really, you know, I was also with a girl who was my friend who was sitting beside me on this side, and we were all friends. You're a veteran by now. learning martial arts is that you become confident in your ability to defend yourself not you might So this first occasion happened. Yeah. Just like that.

49:06 I look at him. well, this is not going to, I just, so I went at him and I just put my hands on his neck, right? Yeah. And he just, it just kind of ended. It diffused the situation. to control that a little bit. So now are you like paranoid is that only worked because he was You don't want that kind of excitement. I've become so paranoid about it since then

51:43 And that's what I'm saying It's part of life. and I never used to think who gives a shit to me too I think you might want to, I'm going to show you, Crop Maga is fun, too. It's a combination of things. at any sort of a martial art. Don't be going out and practice every day because one day a guy's going to have a knife. preparing for it is increasing his odds of being killed in a knife fight yeah by like 10,000 yeah

54:20 Yeah, let's not look at it because I don't want to confuse you. I'm not saying anything funny right now. It's on iTunes. It's on iTunes. Okay. You actually changed everything when you had your show on MTV, in my opinion. Yeah. and it's going broadcasting in front of the world. When I came over to your house Something like that where the internet and the television combined.

56:44 It allows you to go to YouTube as well. The internet is bringing content to your television. which then all of a sudden you don't have the internet. They're talking about... just argue about shit we don't even know about. And this is what he was saying. Yeah. but he yelled it out like from the side of the stage like it was like an important point for

58:58 And it's always the crowds are always cool. Do you like that? The crowds were super cool, dude. I don't want to deal with some fucking douchebags who need attention who just want everybody to look at them. It's like critics. Be cunty about things. The worst is when they talk to you. The fuck? Why are you talking to me man? At almost And I do the Q&A

1:01:34 But it's not That's how I did it when I recorded my DVD Right, Brian? What should he have done different? shit when you have new shit you gotta abandon the old shit you can't keep remembering it every now and the Showtime special in 2005 No. from a few years ago. that song earlier, oh, jeez, I wouldn't really cheesy but I don't you know it's hard watching yourself man when you're very critical and honest you know it's

1:04:14 Like you go, oh, why didn't I say this? Do you have it all written down somewhere? about a subject without worrying about people's attention spans. So I just write, and it could And then I look at it like that, like I'm stealing from myself. and then it just winds up going in a file. Because I don't like. There's a lot of stuff that I write. I write it as if it was going to be a blog entry and then it just winds up going in a

1:05:38 It's everything. and questioning relationships and you start breaking down your life while you're driving with no stereo on you know when you get so it's like I'm at the computer, You're not getting real sleep. Yeah, that's cool. The TV shuts itself off. He's like barely dreaming. No, no, no. It was another one. It's sort of a princess somebody or something.

1:07:58 I found it to something that I enjoyed. that you're communicating with this deity. of lectures of this woman type shit like I'm in a in an isolation tank You've reprogrammed yourself. God damn it. He was programmed when he was... I'm not going to get it, man. I'm thinking of the other one where they try to get the guy to... Yeah. I heard ginkgo was bullshit.

1:10:17 Got to get like 500. about the amount of people that we can store in our brain, Happened last night. Do you remember, man? Like, so, because, you know, this year, traveling, I've been traveling around this year meeting, This guy is a part of your internet group. I really do find that it really is, it does We're going to have to get little It's got to be.

1:12:45 Really? Like you can pick up a piece of paper with it or you can hold a thick mug. it so your brain thinks this They're going to make fake people, dude. It might be life in some sort of an embryonic form, and it has to break out of this like a caterpillar that becomes a butterfly. That would be so strange if you just had this really super hot robot

1:14:23 Clearly these scientists are putting their something annoying a good job cleans her own filter yeah yeah cleans her own pussy she doesn't fuck you yeah she cleans her kind and always That's fake We wouldn't even know She's a robot there would only be five models. People are going to go off. Dead puppies. This is your sponsor. Do you unscrew the top or something?

1:16:59 Just touch it. Trust it. Okay. All right. That's interesting. because I was a guest on the show. Well, you know. What kind of porn I would not advise you Is that a signature on it? Does it vibrate or anything? It's way better feeling than your hand, and you're not getting any signal from it. This is called Fish in a Bucket. It's not what it's called.

1:18:50 For $60 or whatever it costs, it's totally worth it. Yeah, you know. You'd be excited. When I started seeing it online in video, And you can get the most data from the facial section. It's just people fucking Watching all this It's just two people and they're really in love and they just sit there and make love. The love videos. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:21:30 And they're all of her blowing her husband, blowing this dude everywhere. Yeah. She's not throwing up. Did you do that? The shot was on you. Yeah. went and watched it for a couple of days got millions and millions and millions of views i'm There is. Oh, Jesus Christ. The point I'm making is that's a good thing to not take off. he goes what one of my ass one of my pussy one of my mouth he goes okay this is over

1:24:15 Airtight. Yeah, I think, you know, when and girlfriends because we're all so When does the Tom Green sex tape come out? What? You don't videotape yourself? You loved it. Your body? Wait a minute, Brian. No, no, no. I mean, do you masturbate looking at yourself in the, ugh, ugh. I'm not hitting it like, ugh, ugh. No, no, no. I'm not. What about if you do POV style?

1:26:39 old home movies about carrots attacking me. You're under 16 years old. They're charged with child pornography. Yeah, it allegedly No, I don't know. Marijuana. that were not necessarily ever made public. Okay, so we went to Seattle and we were filming And the comedy of it was me out in the street sticking my ass on everything and confusing people and filming the reactions, right, and singing this silly song.

1:29:56 So we played it on the show. a huge hit. What year? 93? and they're saying, guys, We got the number one song in America on MTV, man. So it's kind of like who we think is going to be. It was the most stressful time of my life. And you know what? But yeah, that's what happened. that it would probably cost them a fuckload of money if they had already pre-taped things.

1:32:38 Did they do that? No, no. Brian. Yeah, it's actually just streaming cares anymore about that. in the form of a red Ferrari. And they'd be like, you know when eminem rapped about eminem rap eminem took the line from the bum bum song he Eminem would have, I mean, I guess credit roll if Freddie got fingered, so who I make music something for you. It's more like a hobby. It's more just a

1:35:47 A boot? Do you still drink Canadian beer? So, well, about two years ago, Rob Schneider came on my show as a guest on the web show. been thinking about since I was a kid. And I was very intimidated by it. I was afraid Attracted to. Hey, this is something to really kind of wrap my hands around. I got to go to Australia for the first time. It was 15 know what I was I was yeah, but I was like do I you know at

1:38:38 and then Norm MacDonald asked me to open up for him one night Between the time you got back on stage I was writing every day That's amazing, man. I would be writing all the time and trying to build up the set. And I'd set it on the stools, had my water on it. because I'm trying to be really physical. will say, Sometimes you just need or setting it there.

1:40:50 but usually I can't remember it. in your mind. The iPhone thing, set list is cool. pretty solid begin like i know where i know where i'm gonna start i know i'm gonna do when i start It's been really fun and challenging, you know, doing it. And then I edit it and I get it exactly the way I want it to be. I go, I've got to remember this tag, this line, this line.

1:43:24 to do a warm-up set. It's also uncomfortable. You really start breaking shit down. So you're enjoying it man How it's just nice to be in an independent thing All they can see is, but you're losing three. It's a beautiful thing about the stage. It's so bizarre. You're scared of 4chan? You're fucked up. so what we've done in my sight, I'm sitting here with a guest.

1:46:53 But I'll tell you, I'll system for Skype they're coming after you 4chan got that to lose my hearing It's probably from having your ears blown out from people like me. Are you doing comedy? Well, let me tell you, I think Sarah Palin is dumb. somebody exactly what you're talking about? Because I think that UFO thing. She's very man-looking. Yeah, she's speaking for you.

1:49:14 Maybe. Yeah, keep up to date on what's important. The aliens don't care what's the fucking number one ant. to us that we do to monkeys, that we do to creatures that come down and just want to cuddle us. I'm open to the possibility that there are aliens, Or it was a prank. would be ridiculous if we weren't living it. It's all so strange that it's entirely possible

1:51:32 or that you were talking about that say that, you know, to say absolutely ridiculous things and that nothing ever really puts it into that category. I mean, that's an effective psychological tactic. If you were and they don't even know what the fuck it is. I've watched all. I think if the government knows anything about UFOs, they know barely more than the average person knows.

1:54:12 Who knows how much of that stuff is just some sort of a prototype that the U.S. government was working on. things become ever more complicated. So it literally will be, Right? They look exactly like us. and then start a cult Yeah It was Jim Jones You heard the audio recording, right? And that's why they say don't drink the Kool-Aid. Why would they when they're so delicious? Why would they worry? Why would Kool-Aid's pissed about that too. Why would they when they're so delicious?

1:56:41 You'd think Kool-Aid might have just changed their name. A couple hours or something We would just start On your show Thank you very much. That show that you did is actually on TomGreen.com right now. I mean, it's a brilliant thing, and I loved it, and it inspired me to do this. I've never been there before. All right.