Joe Rogan Experience #457 — Ari Shaffir Transcript

Transcript

0:00 By the time he was doing Blade 2 or 3, apparently he was off the handle. I remember hearing about it, I think. Yeah, did the martial arts stuff. That's always that. like if you're a fucking your person who's in the limelight that heavily like the nature of the He's got all this money. Wow. Oh, my God. Yeah. Well, it was just going up to whatever room he was in. No way. Yeah. Wow.

2:19 Yeah. in a trapped environment like an elevator. No, you can't do that. stand-up comedians and by being a stand-up comedian you're all the time forced to look at You're looking for jokes in your own life. and more Looney Tunes shit. they were just firing more showrunners. Wow. Just to be, but there's no way he's normal If you were raised in that? I'm sure he's not.

5:21 like jesus no no no no no he was just a nice kid. Just came over and said, I realized as I was shaking his hand that it was Justin Bieber. There's no way. It seems it. There's no way. making news stories of him peeing in a We all did that. You have that much money? there's anything wrong with that. But it's like, and slutting it up with him of all those things

7:36 19 year old kid could do with a half a billion dollars he's doing great like leave him alone But boy, he's on a crazy rocket ship ride. got a chrome car he's throwing eggs at his fucking neighbor's house shirley temple retired at 21 I'm set on this. He kind of did and then didn't, He turned into a monster. He had a dimple put in. He denied having anything done.

10:15 He didn't have a baby with her, but he had with this one woman. The guy. Yeah. It was kind of like a cry for help, man. Too bad. Yeah, maybe. He died the weirdest death ever. Can you imagine you take it to the next level? I got nightmares. And the doctor was so crazy, he just did it. trick to it oh really after like 30 minutes i kind of remember reading that i should probably pull

13:19 I felt like I didn't nap for 30 minutes. Oh, yeah. Propofol. But Who were like It's because they need money. Yeah I'm just the disadvantages of using it. Yeah, let me hear them Disadvantages of going to sleep every night by the gas? Yeah. Supposed to be one of the best clubs in the country. In Chicago? It's got one of the highest murder rates in the country.

15:57 out with me and I'm not gonna repeat any of that stuff um there's um there's a type of person that comes from the midwest you know they're like and some girl was flirting and then immediately started acting like she was better than everyone else so first time i saw that The New York thing is a bummer, huh? ridiculously easy to procure So that's one of the things that Arnold did when he left office.

18:02 with a half-smoked bowl in the middle. Oh, yeah. I couldn't figure, But then your car No, just for like 10 minutes. I didn't try it yet. But they only have a certain, Yeah. if you like let's say you have a thing of like that um the red sauce not the sriracha sauce but It's a bomb. And it's such a small bottle. Yeah, ghost pepper. What is that? It looks different.

21:38 a teaspoon of that shit in and i uh i took your suggestions i think it was, no, it was either spaghetti or it was chicken noodle soup from Jerry's Famous Deli. this is the most ridiculous with my body. Wicked beyond belief. dumped the whole thing back into the whole tub of spaghetti, and then all that was hot. So good. Their habanero sauce, that El Yucateca, it's delicious.

23:36 Do you ever get challenged when you put cigarettes not going to sell tobacco products it's weird that they did anyway or how they sell like, selling it? Well, If I was an idiot If CVS wants to That is kind of creepy That just makes no sense at all. they should get rewarded. are going to kill people Like, if we're at a comedy club, like, you want to do shots?

25:46 If you're doing it right, you know, you can enjoy the experience of having a couple of drinks. one that hurt me the most is not smoke when you see like for a start like a bunch of people just It's like chain smokers thing. I would do I wouldn't even think about be like working and I'll be smoking put it out The good thing about this is besides like the blue cigarettes and like those little disposable nicotine ones,

27:12 What is that? It's just too big. oh yeah it has a readout also it tells your temperature and it also tells you how many Yeah, and it's almost going to a bar. I sell fanny packs. pack and i'll go that's a beautiful fanny pack. I'm like, where'd you get that? He's like, oh, yeah, it's from Root. It's the best. No, you're not. Do not do that. They're comfortable.

29:21 You know, you're a fool. If you have a crease in it, You'll be fine. How dare you say that you wouldn't support me for athletic wear? Oh, that's nice. You can't help it. Show you how much of a bait I am. They're almost always annoying when they start talking to you about, But there's people that are like really like obsessively into choose to wear a type of shoe or you choose

31:49 You fool. You have to wear that weird Really? It's got scuffing it all. Who cares how you dress? Uh-uh. It's tassels on top of tassels. Yeah. When you're trying to relay experiences um everybody's is very different so like if you haven't personally experienced it it's hard to That's what I'm talking about, talking about God and the voice of God. God damn, your brain has some untapped potential.

36:09 It's, When you have a psychedelic experience, and participate in the study you should get in on the rick strassman studies what's the Yeah. And when you hear about his relaying situations where people think you're a kook. you know we had rick doblan who's one of the guys uh from maps one of the head guys we had She was like, I don't know. The one from Fallon.

38:48 You sure you don't have herpes? you kind of also have that pina colada. That's kind of the way to do it best like, oh, you know, but I... do what they want to do. Disagree. Even if I don't. if I'm going to try to fuck a girl and then I'll feel like held down. you smoke weed we start really examining yourself. They keep pushing forward without considering, you know, how they come off to other people.

41:14 No, not yet. Yeah. and talking and they just stop talking something about something he's just dope he's just dope martin scorsese is just a master he's just a and all of a sudden yeah yeah yeah you know You know, I really, really appreciate someone who's really good at it, Christian Bale The Machinist? Fantastic. Yeah I know what you mean When I'm in a relationship

44:08 Furious masturbation from the jump. Probably like three or four. So orgasm. No many times you can macerate in a day? What do you think you can get to? Probably like three or four. It's mostly just liquid. Start off by smelling your wife's pillow. I'm just going to fucking figure out how to cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum.

45:29 violent release of fight And then you're like, oh, well. I read a bunch of side effects, and it was like depression, all stuff that maybe, I don't know, I think maybe stuff was caused by that. Oh, really? You see, everybody has a different body's reaction. He's been taking that shit for like 10 years. Hello. You look great with a shaved head It got down to the point where

47:58 You've got a round head. Really? just because I enjoyed the wardrobe and the hair stylist because of you, Joe, I don't do that. when I was doing Fox Sports 1. Yeah. You gonna light me funny and soft like I'm an angel? Hi You know what? And I couldn't say no then. No. like we got to make a switch. little aggressive someone who's an idiot who's like a male idiot that was going to do aggressive

51:09 Yeah. It just wasn't really funny. But if it's not funny, don't pretend it is. It was like a joke of recognition. It was really good stuff. Oh. Like, he was sweaty. Like, he was, like, Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, look, when you're coming out here you have the wrong look or the wrong you know whatever you always used to say everybody in yeah by the time she came well you know what man um there's a there's a kind of an attitude

55:21 There's people dealing with the fucking elements every day. Killing. if folks who weren't alive Especially back in the day. I wish she had like 30 minutes, though. Before she got her television show, when she was just doing stand-up, she was badass. A dead rose. Black roses are the rarest of all roses. She's out there sometimes. Oh, wow. Thank you.

57:10 Why not? That's sad. and worried about diseases? Right. They were forced to look at ourselves all the time. And I think if you, you want to think about of the dude who was doing Grace Under Fire. to have this one person like Brett Butler. Trying to get some arch feared dick. Wait a minute. No, it's not cool. I threw her out for being horrible. And I was like, get out.

1:00:26 The boyfriend would not to be quiet Especially like a really hold back all week long entire set it happens None. When you start out at the comedy store, Fucking ass. or trying to make it in show business. salesman i've heard you don't do this anymore i've heard people that could be a comic or it They have drunk hecklers in Boston though. They're the descendants of wild savages that came over here on boats before there were movies.

1:03:25 because we don't have any photos or anything because they haven't invented cameras yet, Otherwise, you can't spread your seed across the country. yeah and if you show any aggression to them and you're taking food out of their children's mouths Yeah. Because they had their own justice system. We're going to evolve them. That's so crazy. Yeah. Even if they had their own alcohol, if they, they didn't know if they ever had alcohol before, but they probably didn't have the shit that we have. Even if they had their own alcohol, they didn't have wild turkey.

1:06:40 But they were so arrogant that they thought it was okay to take their kids. What? Yeah. If that stops killing people, why wouldn't they do it? What's the difference? is they put on their package See, it doesn't seem like that blue cigarette stuff it lingers more lingers more like smoke Yeah, but people with perfume, man. Brian would, like, pretend he wasn't smoking. Oh, yeah, I would used to come into the car After you smoked cigarettes Brian would like Pretend he wasn't smoking

1:09:10 Like oh dude No you can't smell it You come in. It's bad for you. They say that nicotine is actually and writing his books. But these insane chemicals are essentially designed to change the flavor and to make whatever they need. Yeah. Oh, motherfucker. People that are dying of lung cancer. That's when they found it. Smoked a lot of cigarettes. same day or something i don't know maybe, your cat hurt its foot, so you were shoving cigarettes directly into your veins.

1:12:19 I cry pretty easy. breaking down. You're crying because it's beautiful? the shot that used uh used to be popular when i was in college and it kind of went away they Savages. G-A-W-K-E-R. Diversity, Jerry Seinfeld. And he's getting just Gaw title. Diversity Jerry Seinfeld. before we even comment on it. Yeah, let's get into that. And in the context of comedy, not gender diverse, I just want to know what you meant by that.

1:15:22 Okay. All right. Fair enough. Yeah. I mean, people think it's the census or something. and I have no interest in than are you making us laugh or not? because it was so annoying, It's like if you think, oh, how come you didn't have anybody with mustaches on your show? But that's not each individual shoot's problem. then on top of having to create that show, they also have an obligation to be diverse

1:18:08 No, you should be able to do what, And then it becomes a problem of like, So it's one of the reasons why I wanted to play this when you're here. you know what he's trying to do Yeah. Yeah. thing. He should be able to do whatever he wants. with Sex and the City it's just wrong they want to cast and then another guy behind her, Yeah. Yeah. You mean like Tyler Perry?

1:21:13 Whatever they are over the years. I feel bad for them. Remember he used to do? Guys who produce white. Yeah. Yeah. And they start bringing his back pocket. It doesn't make you a racist person. But the idea that you should have affirmative action in comedy, that you should, you know, Well, you can, most certainly. Why do you have a bow hunting expert on?

1:24:04 my perspective and my point of view Whatever. But then it's also like, am I just not friends enough with black people or gay people? I don't care what kind of music you like. a nice tracksuit jacket, So sexy. is what's up. with a chimp, rather, A curious chimp. But the higher primate fanny pack is just the beginning. People got mad at her. You misunderstood it.

1:26:33 She's like, real veterans are being mistreated as they come home now. They're trying to get you in trouble. She should be fired out in the street. Right. too far? Yeah, he just totally flipped his really mean and now because it's popular you're gonna go against it? Yeah, but you can't. How old you are? Someone getting pregnant tonight. Really? He died of AIDS, I believe.

1:29:13 Dave Chappelle did it in Montreal. when he was maybe 19. Just do, did you ever notice? So people slow down. people around and then he would hand out the hat, pass out the hat, you know, and that's It's tough to work in that environment But he apparently was like, I keep saying apparently, and get everybody at a comedy club, Yeah. I've seen them, the goofy, like, the dancers will do comedy in between

1:31:48 doing stand-up in the park. since I've been doing it. He said he would do it. I've never run into him. I need to run into him. I haven't run into him since I've been doing it. He's a funny guy. Fucking Bruce Willis was there. Stallone was there. Oh, wow. alive 2 would have two uh records in it and it would open up there's all these images and but I just so happened to be there

1:34:00 Really? Like the neighbor from Tool Time? It was crazy. I couldn't believe it. I was, like, starstruck. I was like, I think I was like seven or eight or something like that. It was crazy. And like she would talk about it. And my uncle was like, he's a really cool character, very artistic character. I'm playing softball with these guys that have makeup on.

1:35:30 Kiss. At the most, I was 11. But he took me to a kiss show then I went to a couple and then I went to two in a row with Kevin James in, uh, really? Yeah. In the, the, uh, the nineties, Bushman beat Norm Macdonald. But he always wanted to keep it like clean and family-friendly because it was just He was hilarious. He doesn't do anything but he does get angry at shit. He's not a violent guy. He's an awesome guy. But if he gets pissed off, he's got a fucking temper. He doesn't do anything,

1:37:14 the unlock button and fucking hilarious bit, man. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He had another older manager that wasn't giving him such great advice, Wow. So stay a fat fuck so we can all make money. You know, and he was even thinner and more stout when he was like in high school. There's Kevin. It was the worst. comedy more staring up the guy was so funny, man. He used to kill me.

1:40:34 about his insecurities and shit. Norton and I have been friends since, fuck, since we were both like 21 or something like that yeah you know we're both like 46 somebody in my open mic days yeah like how you doing yeah well Is that the one where he talks about how easy Americans have it? he makes a lot of his money writing well he's like you like, you know, he's won Emmys. He's a really good writer. You know, he's got a good book as well, but he decided

1:42:33 and I knew that he really loved it again, you know? in the world. It's the greatest fucking job. shows that he didn't really necessarily enjoy because he thought he was supposed to be an actor Greg's my longest-running friend in comedy. He was on 7th Heaven for like a bunch of episodes. But we became friends like almost immediately. You see that guy growing and developing.

1:44:47 Why didn't he? They don't understand. will not understand if you don't do it. Find some other shit to be annoyed at. There's be a cunt. Don't be a cunt. Yeah. The guy is huge, too. Yeah, I saw that. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Show them. of entertainment but you better respect like how hard it is to do piper came to the store the other That is one of the most destructive jobs in show business

1:48:33 He was trying to do a flip and pin a guy. I'm not backing down, bro. what are you going to do? And meeting him with balls. Such a weird position now. was twice the size of that guy. Yeah, you should be able to sue for that. head. He threw a glass at my head. why? that didn't want to Maybe just like, Local in LA? Nashville? Somewhere, Redneck. Yeah.

1:51:13 And then you're selling that. want a drink yeah they hear somebody talking loud yeah and there's a lot of that we shut the fuck He was screaming at these people and they were screaming back at him. that like once the confrontation started it was out of control doesn't matter sorry everybody but You don't kick people's ass in the middle of the city, you fucking dummy.

1:53:08 and he told me to smash these buildings apart, I never liked Superman for that reason. He seems indestructible. Yeah, he can. He lives in a different kind of planet, man. I never liked Superman Yeah, what? He can't make decisions for himself. With a woman. God, it's because of the pull they have. is the most incredible magnet for a I invite my next storyteller show

1:54:35 Sweet And you were all talking About the whole thing That was a fun one Yeah That was a fun one Did you like it uh natasha bobby lee steve rennazizi and you were all talking about the Yeah, all of us together. Yeah. Yeah, Improv. Go across the street to that, yeah, improv. Joe's, yeah. Oh. Dude. That was when Mike Swick was telling us about how he used to work for the United States government.

1:56:42 What? during the Cold War, You don't? No, no. If you watch that Fox show, watch the Fox show on the moon landings. were centered there very well could have been some counterfeit photos. They definitely did a little bit of that back then in NASA. Like, who's taking his picture during a spacewalk? Like, some photographs might have been on a soundstage.

1:59:10 Yeah. moon landing stuff? think it was. publicity. There's some when they're walking on the moon, How'd you get better at walking in space? possible. They used to do that kind of Of course they did. He probably knew he was going to die. This is a starter black. She was from like England or like the... Yeah. Surprisingly similar to white pussy. It was such a manly way to sleep.

2:02:14 These are not the kind of things that women want to hear. full dates and like let's just try to explore you as a person instead of like you get bored That's what I think. To find women that you actually like as people your biological needs. You can fuck me. She makes fucking sculpture. But I don't want you being my boyfriend. You'd be like. Yes. Yeah.

2:04:41 Who's going to be in control here? You're really going to go out with that skirt? God, do you really need that much attention? Yeah, it's also finding someone who's like brings Yeah, sometimes I feel like telling people, It's completely subconscious, but they like to duke it out. I don't like it, man. have to like say something or be uh like assertive with. Just get them to fucking leave you alone.

2:07:00 Yeah, he was telling me that they rapes them for apples. The guy was just such a douchebag. First of all, if you give someone an apple, you're not really raping them for apples. just so aggressive with me. It was just like So you hate America? None. Oh, some of the sci-fi people? you know, Greg, in San Diego, And they're like, no sublets. That's ridiculous.

2:10:20 I don't get it. Let's go right now. fighting with Tony Hinchcliffe right now on his show. Tony was on the show was kind of mad but now No, I don't know him, but who cares? That's Rosa Parks? Black and white photo. Really? 27 years old and he's got a shrine. A lot of people want HBO specials. I should just make my own shrine. my friend Avi Lerner yeah

2:13:01 how he did it stephen king has a house in in maine in bangor maine yeah and like that house should be a Yeah, make it a fucking museum. a dozen times over. oh, fuck yeah, What do you mean he didn't remember it? And he would drink like 16, 17 beers a night and just write until he blacked out and then fall asleep and they get up in the morning specific type of that genre was him yeah well it's a specific type of... Oh, that genre was him. Well, it's a specific type of entertainment that I really enjoy.

2:15:35 I love all that stuff. That was a fucking great movie, man. The movie's got to be two hours or whatever. They got a lot of shitty actors in a lot of those movies, though. Like Salem's Lot much detail. You would like to have seen it all in the movie, but it's impossible. The movie's got to be two hours or whatever. Oh, God. With Corey Haim, remember? Oh, yeah. um then there was the silver bullet movie the silly werewolf movie yeah uh cory haim remember

2:16:53 Oh, I didn't know about this. Well, he can do whatever he wants. He can do whatever he wants, man. He doesn't have to apologize so crazy. Yeah. Well, it must be awesome for those guys. Well, he can do whatever he wants. He's interesting in the way he, like, communicates, you know, how he goes through his process. knows where it's going to end he knows where this is going to happen and get changed up he knows

2:18:13 that he just lets it go. Do you write like that? Do you try that? opportunity to spend a lot of time thinking about a subject. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, really? Oh, that Shrivner? And you can put your notes on They lose stuff for you? It's been written about online? So I'm going to start going back into blogs. Like it's an idea in the blog and then it becomes a bit. A full thing. Well, it's either that or you don't get the blogs? Nope. I don't mind doing that because it becomes an idea. It's an idea in the blog

2:21:13 are never going to go complain about subjects what's on my mind. It's also the problem that all fucked up, and really going over his uh career and uh his his like constant battling with people on these social and getting into that shit, it can fuck with your head, man. Those people doing that? He just couldn't take it anymore. hundreds of thousands

2:23:14 I know. I released that, that someone would say, I'm like, motherfucker. you can't tell me that I'm supposed to be. look, 50, and it's going to be a totally different act writing a song and writing a joke like i've never made a joke without the help of other people And you gotta take chances. and you can't believe one of his greatest that's one of the

2:25:50 the time I was on his special it's just flawless that bit that bit so classic oh, I was a little dead in the middle there. And then you don't. It was almost like a dilapidated house. What is actually going on? Describe why you were embarrassed. Yeah, by going too far. And people would do it. It's people that don't really want to dive into and become someone else.

2:28:09 way up over his head, like, why are you doing this? Because it's so foolish if you fail like that. You know what I'm talking about. Oh, that's even more, yeah. Yeah, that's sometimes an important part of like not doing well with a bit too is that it shows other paths. sort of rather work on this in front night. So it's all college students. to a dorm with a bunch of savage, hormonally charged teenagers just sticking things inside their bodies all day.

2:30:24 Oh, that's right. Unless you're Kate Hicks. Do you know where she is now? She's doomed. She's one of them, yeah. But when I got dumped, I got away. It's not like either one of us wasn't goofy. Like, now we've gone through all our bullshit. and had a good time You start thinking like, One girl in Melbourne I hooked up with And we were like made out and that was it

2:32:49 nah, you feel like your line And you don't have to get I don't know. in getting laid. lions. No like And when it's difficult to get sex, people cling to each other. The books, yeah. Everyone's like, hi, how are you? But this takes that out. And she goes, that's weird. And then I found a picture on Comedy Store's website Her last name's Ban, though.

2:35:29 Sorry, sorry. Yeah, it gets tricky. that weren't represented you know what? cut out the picture, I just found out this girl that I met, she has a podcast on a other podcast network. Don't tell people online who it is, you fucking knucklehead. I become besties. I've never even heard of them. You can light whatever podcast you want. Yeah, that didn't work out so well.

2:37:53 It's ruining the fabric of society because it's racist. you know, towelhead talk, that kind of shit. comic. That's so mad. Others assume you got them a present. Are you just going to laugh? Look at Tinder. What's that? It's very important. With some folks has had You know, Chandra's dad got Lyme disease. The poor guy got Lyme disease from a vaccination for Lyme disease. It wasn't a lot of people that got that, but it was enough that they pulled it from the vaccination. Wow. It's fucked up. The poor guy got Lyme disease from a vaccination for Lyme disease. It wasn't a lot of people that got

2:40:41 The Ukraine also? You actually don't own us. But most the system will get I think well also like instantaneous. Cops versus citizens. Wow, look at this shit. They have regular cars. You can't outlaw protests, you fucks. Whoa. All these people are terrified of losing this. because they don't look at themselves. These people in the sink, leave the dishes dirty.

2:43:26 of a dictator? We're clearly not the ones. who the fuck would it be except us? You've got to keep dominating worlds for a long time along with Brian Redband, Tony Hinchcliffe, Duncan Trussell, and Justin Martindale. What are you doing on April 3rd? How dare you? Just chaos fucking. He was there from the very beginning. He'll tell Son! Enjoy the shit out of it, you dirty freak.

2:46:19 But if you do get yourself in some trouble and you need legal help, O-N-N-I-T.