Joe Rogan Experience #473 — Jim Jefferies Transcript

Transcript

0:00 the joe rogan experience train by day joe rogan podcast by night all day It was, what is the word that they use? That's right. But also we even talk about Elvis. I go down to about 195. God damn, he got fat. Apparently, the picture was taken just for fun. we're gonna stop that we're gonna stop it we're gonna stop it man he was apparently arrested uh

2:55 18-year-old speeding in the car. He just fucking fired me. you know uh danny nugent you know danny nugent does uh you know it's right and he goes no i never You know what I mean? Went and told mum on him. and swings them with a machine gun type of thing. from the American cops. And then my mom goes, He goes, Oh, that's a big gap. For the first month, she never unwrapped the blanket because she didn't want to see my genitalia.

6:53 That was sort of a joy. or maybe like a porcelain clown juggling one of those little statuettes. she didn't want to know it wasn't what the fuck is wrong with people when it comes to wanting the just with thin, but women don't see that. I've got a, yeah, yeah of course they don't if you're a woman and you're surrounded But I was in Australia. So I'm spending time with my mom and dad.

9:03 So now my parents have got to retirement, because my mom can't be trusted when it comes to shopping. because I'm not responsible enough with money. Now, we're in a public bar, by the way. There's many people sitting around us. It's a very public, It makes him sound like at least three out of four Wednesdays. He didn't... It actually makes it a bit safer, if anything, because the girls have to get tested.

11:25 I don't begrudge my dad for doing this. I do a podcast with him once a month. It's 100% genetic. Are prostitutes over in Australia, are they thought of differently than prostitutes here? is called the Daily Planet. And it looks like the big one in Melbourne is called the daily planet. which is what my TV show Legit, which is on Wednesdays and FXX at 10 p.m. We need ratings.

13:23 Why do I know that name? I was like, why do I know that name? this, He was a male model, George Lazenby. shorter he's like six foot four and he's sort of, you know, he has a little bit of a bobblehead motion going on Go back to that picture. If he's 70 now, this is 1969 when that film was made. Look at it. thing that they have like he looks like a guy from this like burt reynolds in his prime yeah

16:30 That's a moon face too. I'm doing probably like I assume he was That this is 1970 And everything from 1970 doesn't hold up. I always concede that he's the most important stand-up ever, but I don't want to watch him. can still yeah well he's a master you know he's a really a master wordsmith and a master storyteller because it just seems so pedestrian.

18:41 He was really good. Verbatim, every joke from beginning to the end. Get it? This is absolutely true. That's it? I want your opinion on a bit of material. that would be the bit it wouldn't be it was a setup for a bit steve martin was still funny He doesn't do anything. nothing. And when they ask him about it, Yeah, yeah, yeah. they didn't think, can't do my act.

22:07 And then Louis C.K. started doing it and telling people that he did it. Good for fucking you, man. the late night show culture in America, It ruined Boston comedy. Whichever one it was. When's this going gonna happen to me no regard It was a really good time to be doing stand-up. A film by Fran Salamita. Afterwards, you're selling your DVDs and signing and doing photos and stuff.

25:47 in a baseball hat, right? to all these comedy fans of the line That was Stephen Wright Or bought any DVDs into the conversation. the dolphin, And I'm telling the story on stage and Robin Williams so so there's people like there's famous people and then there's like jennifer lopez walked in And then Martin Freeman was there because he's in now the new Fargo.

28:01 Martin Freeman. Oh, I fucking love that movie. It's pretty cool, huh? Yeah, right? So it's hard to tell Everything is just It's just about How can I meet women How can I meet women So if you're at school you get into anything like not not in the long term but in your young years in your teens it's You better have some little thing that's different from everybody else.

30:14 really a short guy i didn't know that it was british propaganda napoleon was actually taller But I'm 5'8". I don't wear any shit in my shoes. so they were similar heights. when this season i get to kiss two girls and one girl was like five foot tall and one girl was six We all have our limitations. Yep. and he didn't look like a movie star. And then they decide not to talk to you

33:07 The same type of people that bother you while you're eating. I want to interrupt you, but I feel bad about it, is what you should say. And while a person's eating their meal, You don't want to go to the next level. And that's great, and then there'll be I'm lazy with my reservations. I'll tell you, I'm trying to lose weight again so i started going

35:46 Now, I can't do that with a baby girl. to do this in the near future. Just for men is some shit that old dudes put in their beard. and child molesting. He points the finger at him like, oh, it's you, you fuck. This baby is the shit. But even in real life, I don't know about you but whenever you hear like not that I would ever blame the kid, There was a teacher in my school

38:06 The difference is a man can molest a 13-year-old girl. They do in a lot of ways. was 16 he was 34 yeah right and then on the tv but then it's like that weird thing that when first of all well she doesn't look that good I've met those ones as well I don't begrudge him Pulled up that picture again? Come on, the girl has to. after sex. but it's got a lot of swear words

41:28 enough to make their own choice. The real question is when, when is the age that you're Oh, that's true. I go to bed, wakes up in the morning. Put Shirley That guy You ever see that show, Homeland? Oh, no, the daughter. Yeah, gray hair, bald-like. Fred Phelps, to me, is, if you know, he's the Western Baptist, West Borough Baptist Church guy who used to protest gay people's funerals, soldiers' funerals, because he

44:11 and then he decided it was gospel, right? And the two of them are just sitting there. Well, like you ever see the Louis Thoreau documentary Like, he doesn't answer questions. and just there was the one that they did we are the world but it was like god hates the gays Like that guy in Australia that thinks he's Jesus and he sings Green Day. And Mary has a vision.

46:32 And Mary apparently, unfortunately, just found out recently that she was the second Mary. Play some of it, Brian, because it's quite brilliant. and there's going to be a second coming, Similar. How can he be from Australia? Here. Okay the narrator's Is that a spot? to the brisbane tv theater but um i they're a little bit uh they had a politician for a while

49:02 It turned out she had electoral fraud Like, this is the level of intelligence And so she gets put into prison. That's so true. on the front that said, Wow, she even kind of It's retarded. One of them's a bit bossy. Well, what are a lot of feminists? They're all in line with The program I know. A lot of women don't want those jobs, either. There's a good chance we'll have a female president next.

53:24 although that's probably a problem, but I don't give a fuck. When they have a kid, their not saying because they take nine months out of the workplace although it's probably a problem but i don't give a fuck when they have a kid their mind does change But the idea that it should be even for men and women is ridiculous. Who's right for the job. and who is the other bird they've got?

55:00 Men are always the king. They don't even want to be queens. Well, that was the thing that black men, there was a big thing they used to say. there's so many fucking kings over there that's hilarious and it's so true if you really stop and Yeah Over to a guy's house There's a lot of pressure on you You've come up with movie ideas, but if you come up with movie ideas

57:30 And then one of them's gone, I've got it. Light falls into the puddle. King Ralph. I tell you what, I know. of the cinema being bored out of my skull at 15 but then like still saying to my Breaking out in that era, doing what they were doing was completely radical. How many young comedians have you met that think they're like a Jim? because I got kind of sick of,

1:00:04 But it just got to the stage where, evidentlyly we were all trying to be Bill Hicks. It's an easy dismissal. i i might be an idiot but i always think i'm Yeah, I don't ever say anything that I think is wrong. i was i was on set dj calls who's in my shows the skinny kid out of road trip i was he was singing Right. And then he said, Just because I knew it upset him.

1:02:53 again. I know every tune. It's just about a guy's been dumped, right? Right. Now every No, no, no. But he would write out what he thought it was in English. if you even if you do something shit if you do it extraordinarily well then it can be good well and he's in his rabbi place and his synagogue. He used to get the rights from people Dana Carvey does an impersonation of you?

1:06:14 And then I think they thought that I'd be like, Wow In San Francisco now know what i mean like he's just that guy let's find out yeah he was i think he was at the ice i'll see if he like if we get a third season i want to put him in i i have him do an impression It's like my PR person wanted to come along to me with this because they didn't book it.

1:08:23 You can't talk for him. Your agent books the gigs and your manager gets you things. Did I get anything out of it? like if I need to do things, Don't do that. that I didn't fuck everything up in my life Yeah, what was it? Disney. I go, she can't be having a small role because she's there for that many months. She was the one anybody this is a continuation

1:11:40 they took that gap and then came back was in the in the 80s, the late 80s when they started doing them again? Well, wherever it was, I was like, man, this is just not Star Wars. because I'd been telling everyone all that week, Jar Jar Binks, he is awesome in this movie. woman from a like a gone with the wind style film and a black actor pull up pull up the jar jar

1:13:41 Pull up a video. All had British accent So it was like There is that thing that we do when we have a language have been taken off YouTube, but this one's still awesome. Mesa Jar Jar Binks! The music is killing me. well they can make it like a real lion look fucking badass flows too smoothly now yoda it's like with his flowing cloak that he comes in with it just doesn't that's what takes me

1:16:12 Rick Baker was like the main guy. Unless it's like in a CGI world, like a Pixar film where everyone's fucking looking that way. He plays one of the dads, right? You know, that's how all your life is like this, right? And if she's never heard of Cheers and he goes, were on a sunday and we only had four channels and one tv so i had to fucking sit and watch these

1:18:16 And then when you get a bit older, They have Nick Moms stand-up. It's like I once did an atheist convention in front of like 5,000 people in Australia, repeating the same sort of uh theme well i've done a lot of religious things but there was a That's funny. Like, this is a lot of effort to talk about nothing. You should just know how to do these things.

1:20:52 people that are in this room if you want to start preaching to the four people in this room that you I think you're a cock if you're any of these things. And then, of course, we all hate women. with it and not take it it's probably better in the long term have you ever get away with it and not take it, it's probably better in the long term. Have you ever fucked around with 5-HTP?

1:22:44 For me it's A couple of times that happened How many times? Why did he do that? and it was it was really uh and this is what i'll say because i look this is one of the debates i Yeah. you have more ailments later in life anyway. a bit quicker i see right so all these people who are complaining in america look i won't get as I know that's a very exact thing I've just said,

1:26:21 When those core things are not being taken care of, if you can't give these people but in the Constitution. How about that? Yeah. That there's no... The Ten Commandments don't say you can add to it and then you know what did louis ck say that uh there's no It's about, because they're in love Coveting thy neighbor's wife, though, And the most asked question on Ask God is that this is what kids' brains work.

1:28:58 just left it out because they didn't fucking know about australia god made god made the entire earth and the universe and all that type of stuff Maybe all these animals were rocking around the town that he was in. you're going to be they all walked that you think are good when you're going to walk on water. you from... It spreads out your weight over a large space.

1:31:06 play a gig like i was just in like this week i was in milwaukee in detroit it was snowing in both and get syrup out of it. In the woods. I don't know if that's true. You can't just have a key store. It's a sign for sale on eBay. Please purchase that. Why do that in Manhattan? Get a new house You need first Oh I start again every year The stuff that you need to do your job is minimal.

1:34:29 I had a I don't give a fuck. this into the shop so i already wasn't happy with them because it was a really shitty product You've already got me for a cheap rate. How much advance did they give you? Anyway, I had to give them that plus money that they'd spent on me. Well, it sounds like they were right. Yeah, but they wouldn't trust you to do that How do they know even you would stay alive?

1:37:45 actually left this seems like but let's say my contract and got sued i don't you know I'm not angry about it to this day. I was still being paid for the HBOs. It doesn't exist, saving money. this guy how much he was making. Like a quarter of a million a year. and you can pass the job on to your children. Now, how much is it today in 2014? That means he gets to have Jay-Z come over and sing him a song.

1:40:57 I thought he just had a corporate card where he could buy anything and it was on us. But everybody was a piece of shit back then. it, reseal it. He doesn't even know how to use a computer, let's be honest. Then you're better than Dom Herrera. months i gave i got i got a new ipad and i gave him my old one they love them they love them but the code she knows what my code is goes right to the app she

1:44:06 He just threw the ball. And then he laughed. She thinks it's the funniest shit of all time. oh, I might have committed a crime. in the morning you know I love dad or She thinks it's hilarious and runs off. he's got i don't know i haven't got i haven't got a lot of baby cocks to reference it against i think and it'll be a shit-covered erection. And I always think

1:47:01 You know that cat Those are weird. I get seen by a lot of people. and everything surround sound porn in my car. It's not like I'm not going to do it, like, right now. I only beat off once in my car ever. This is going to be a thing I do all the time now. because I figured I'm not going to like... hey, what are you calling me like this for? she used to call her pussy a cunt it was the first girl i'd ever ever heard say that she's like

1:50:28 who i was choking her and then you know i'm not choking the whole time right and then i've stopped She wasn't want it it's always bad you're like ah I was with a girl that had an iron deficiency and anemic. Really? check on this. You know, you still Globin? There's a PubMed study on it, fucking cigarettes man no but it's not just that it It's just I was just born. Like, I'm pale from a pale family.

1:53:46 If you see someone with a big nose And you go On my fucking show right it bothers me when people bring it up i don't mind looking pale i even dislike i did a So there's a residual thing when someone's making fun of you, saying you're pale. Because all those white people are trying to, like, get darker. a type of paint that you get down at home deeper i want some beyonce brown um so they want to be

1:56:04 and they inject it apparently She had Afro-y type of hair, shaved down. I think we're only Jackson 5 it's always a big turn They're doing That's how you want it The whole thing between the legs. and I made like, I'm going to get that girl, right? And this chick was about 19. And then, what was this, like 2004? Here's the total complete opposite In the on and off

1:59:24 I can't take my pants off. Like, what do I care? But she was scared that I was going to see her with a shaved pussy. go out with a fucking muslim cunt with a beard Where you happiest Pedophile Someone who's attracted society standard like a woman doesn't want to have to agree like why should i shave my pussy why The last girl with a crazy wild bush.

2:01:52 They reckon crabs is dying out because of the shaven pussy, hipsters now call themselves nerds. No, no, no, no. you're just uh napoleon dynamite napoleon dynamite isn't it even the guys off off uh the big bang Yeah, who is a little bit autistic and that's why he's good at school, but not at everything i'm a nerd and she's wearing perfect pig tails and glasses and giant fake tits yeah and i'm like

2:04:02 I didn't have many friends, but I wouldn't classify myself as a nerd. My mother was a schoolteacher at my school. she's the one who yells at everybody and then all your friends know that your mom is the cunty Let's go hang out with the wallabies. mom's feet yeah but I I disliked some weird... She's all right now. And she goes, well, I was there first.

2:06:44 Very dominating childhood. look how you turned hold no grudge they're good guys you know what i mean but they weren't my mates at school i don't remember them i think kids bully at school for I just wanted chicks to like me. I did good in high school, There was never a girl at my school. which was like a commuting high school it was not a high school where you or not a college rather

2:09:29 I was going to school at all It was... And there was an acting people. I'll tell you something about me you might not know. I've had surgery on my voice. cords. Basically calluses from from these little things. voice came from. You know what else But I've heard of comedians that have had that before. Oh, my God, two months. They wouldn't let you do?

2:12:05 And it was like a secret that I had to myself. the great thing about the course though. two years above us. we're like like been dancing since i were a kid and just singing and fucking they they were just She could sing better than everyone else. They made this girl band called Bardo It was the first big reality show ever big things like sophie monk who's the model out here who dated ryan secrets for a while she was one of the other

2:15:19 We need a girl in a scene that is just hot girl number two, right? is nugent i use my middle name as a stage name because of ted no i just did jim jeffrey sounded that she went up to the producer and went, Wait, wait, wait, wait. gay guys had abs and all type of stuff and i was like a bit of a doughy fucking marshmallow looking Like that was her immediate reaction.

2:18:03 That competitive thing. trying to get into that club forever that's just the frustration of not having made it yet and then that's a very weird uh common yeah it's common but it's yeah i i always the saying i like is uh I've never met another cunt like him in the comedy community. A comic? Name them so we don't ever know them. I said, my show employs over 100 people.

2:20:48 I did it. I don't know. I got it in the UK as well. businesses in America now either from immigrants or the sons and daughters But when they do the DNA chart of Native Americans, one of the things they found when they were researching, Is that near Mongolia? Well, it's all in the same, I mean, you wouldn't want to walk there. We're in their tennis...

2:23:21 so you never get crushed by the world the The world never, you never have a girlfriend going, when's it going to happen for me? There's a Werner Herzogog documentary on siberia called You go work in an office, when you first walk into CIA, were assistants. And they sat in that front thing. And then they have that cunt that sat behind them that used to just call them a piece of shit because they got their coffee order wrong.

2:25:13 They can't get coffee to save their life. Kevin Sp- Oh. goddammit. Find it, Jamie. find it before you're like that she forgot to do something in the middle and he night freaking out, like that she forgot to do something. In the middle of the night, he was brutal. Well, obviously, there's inspectors that handle that along with it. Bring them to my house.

2:27:33 I live in Mount Olympus. is a standoff happening. Oh, I heard We're one X away from a sex parody. How is it? and stuff like that. When should they watch it? but yeah yeah yeah stop doing that this friday you don't even know i think they're both sold out but just check anyway oh check your Thanks for having me, man. Yeah. We've got a lot of podcasts this week.