Joe Rogan Experience #474 — Hannibal Buress Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! I listened to it on the way home from Irvine and laughed my ass off. So I try to spread that. So if everything in comedy went away for you, you got supplements and shit. What's that? Everybody has a Twitter account. You can't go and watch a YouTube clip that he made when he was fucking around in his backyard with his dog.

2:10 I don't think you're going anywhere, Hannibal Buress, but the top, son. I want to get in that. That's a good idea. In the middle of it, start laughing. Fall down nine times. If you fall down a lot, you hurt your head. What's up with your balance? What are you saying? That's what they're counting. That's why I came here, Joe Brogan. I honestly don't know too much about them other than their stuff tastes good but yeah i mean i

5:04 i didn't really need a knife, That's awesome. Sit around the house, yeah. Yeah Of how I'd fight it You gotta give the animal That's what I'm saying. That's a great knock out a mountain lion in your punching power. It's very rare they go out. hit the ground, It's a video. I don't know. and it was fine. it's a little bit, Cats, like, they're built different than us.

8:02 I don't know those techniques. Look at that. be right i mean look at that shit though man oof did it fall on his it's like it fell on its back Did you notice it hit the branches on the way down? Oh, man. Bang. A mountain lion's like that, but bigger. Yeah? Well, I've been pig hunting in California. He took us hunting and I got hooked on it Except for the lead

10:54 Harvest makes it sound better. getting out of the earth you're harvesting an animal from the earth bringing it home and eating no nothing. Because they know way better, Well, that's the lot in life they took. You're just doing it. a wild animal that can go wherever it wants so in order to harvest this animal you have to figure out how to get close No, I see that, whereas not being, you know,

13:29 don't want to be anywhere near us yeah the real tripper is when you can go and you can see a wild caribou have encountered people. Blam, blam, we eating ham. I bought a smoker Yeah. Don't get me wrong. We're at the opposite spectrums To my house and bringing it to me, that'd be ideal. Because you can miss the head and graze their nose, blow their face off.

16:09 Me too. I'm very, I need stuff to happen right away. And I had a shotgun and I was able to shoot one shot off at a pig and I missed. for Comedy Central I worked on a goat farm actually whoa I don't know if I could, I could probably visit it. What a great idea to cut all that nonsense out. Probably. Look, that's something that... controversial with dummies.

19:16 Why don't you use your bare hands? Oh, she's crazy. It's so dumb. Because the moment I walked into that slaughterhouse like the moment like as you strangers eat bugs there was no eating bugs. It was a simple task. about uh opinions it's easy to you have to kind of people is you got to take yourself out of I could never. this doing this yeah I don't know if I can keep doing this so it's like a

22:52 I'm always affected by weed. Exactly. You're a thinking comedian. Who's that? What are you looking at me for? I just got high with some friends and never quite sobered up. if I'm too blazed, to my safe place. that a friend of mine was competing in. I took one. He got in a street fight and actually killed a guy with a triangle. know what happened mma i do know that the guy, he actually had to skip town.

26:31 Have you competed before? So I'm there, super high as fuck, before the rape charge, super high as fuck, talking to this guy. That's crazy. how good this guy was this guy was so he was world class so he would just he couldn't resist Yeah. They develop that defensive mechanism, you know? Like, yo, these dudes attack each other for a living. This is what I want to do.

28:37 My friends do it all the time, you know, especially in places like California where it's legal. Really? Fuck it. some kickboxing when you watch like anything like high level athletics where two dudes have a lot And when you're baked, you just tune into it. And then all of a sudden And then still win the fight men are created equal bullshit yeah that's a dirty stinky lie that will fuck you over if you believe

31:22 You can work that. but I know I don't like it. Some guys, it's really weird. You ever see David Tua fight? This was when they were both contenders before Ruiz won the title. Which is scary, right? Like, on any given night, David Tua might have been able to beat everyone in the world. Terrifying. It's a denial. He was doing coke, apparently. But I just mean,

34:35 Like, You gotta get rid of those people, man. Yeah. first round or something he was the only guy ever vinnie pazienza was to never score a single punch in a round ever Roy Jones Do you remember his rap song? He had reflexes that no one could fuck with, completely unorthodox style, And you'd be like, oh, shit. I never seen Mayweather live. You know what it also is?

37:46 speaking in a conversation just like when two people are speaking like if you and i were talking Yeah. And it throws you off. when the guy's out of range, to the way they move right you think mayweather he'll he won't he won't get beat before he retires But now it all seems to go away. What I worry is that something like that would happen, because this is very rare that a guy is this much better

40:33 Yeah, he's arrogant. You can not display it. that buy a Mayweather ticket are trying to see him lose. whether it's Canelo Alvarez, whether it's Filipinos, whether it's Manny Pacquiao. Couldn't even touch that dude. But Manny Pacquiao slept him. and then got right back into it and got back in shape and had a fight. You know? I mean, I don't know what they told you coke does but uh you need to give yourself some recovery time yeah you know coke set in this i know people who did coke in the 70s they have

43:24 Coke in moderation, everybody Yeah But what, I mean, how much worse, I've never done coke. It's a tough comparison just because of how Once you feed that monkey, you want to keep feeding it. most brutal things ever Probably to a cokehead Be in my sober mind Dude, I mean, I have ADD, but I don't have an Adderall prescription, and just But you're talking about the effects of a stimulant, though.

46:55 computer with plants and just end up dicking around on twitter or looking at i'll get caught up in a That's a pharmaceutical. just gives you energy like when you're exhausted like say if you um like last night i got a decent And now you have energy And press stuff Just to get through those interviews Most nights, even later to take an interview over sometimes or go on not go not go on a rant, but you have to not let them, you know, just because they can get into that, cutting off your jokes.

49:25 If they're good and pro and supportive and set you up. Yeah, somebody asked me that before a show I was doing in New York. remember that people aren't coming from a shitty place normally right they just don't know how to right now? right? from each other. Well, it's just a radio voice. There's a couple versions of that. It's just a persona that, you know, works for that situation.

51:53 Like when I do the UFC, there's a reason why I'm the color guy it's pageantry yeah yeah i'm not putting it down but it is weird radio it's weird radio radio You sound like the dude who's all over the place. it's like, coming to the stage. But have you been to a black strip club in Atlanta, though? And they cut in and out. Spend some motherfucking money.

53:52 He adds to it. I'm sure. I don't know the names, though. I used to go and visit him at work. Yeah. See you later. Yeah. Don't mind that, Mo. Yeah? i think a lot of them yeah a lot of them do uh do you like corporate gigs corporates in quotes I'm just a big comedy fan, but I don't like going to comedy I wouldn't want to do that. He's going to keep his pants,

57:19 wears like a space suit? For one dude? Yeah he already said it All crowd work You know there's a dude out there thinking about it. Yeah, because it's just also being at a comedy show is about looking over at the person. like oh shit live it was crazy so it is just it's hard to translate the true energy that's in the room and just that But if you watch him live, that dude, you tune into him.

59:56 live stand-up that get lost in the internet and tv that's a great point the the building up like it but i would never open with it that joke is coming at least 25 30 minutes in yeah that's a But if you're starting out, man, if you're just a first-year guy, His shoes are whack. They demand more. You know what I mean? is great, crushes, does 20 or 30 up top sometimes.

1:03:10 and it was like white crowds made him lazy like he didn't even realize he had gotten into this I've done this like four times in the last month. It was just a minor. It's very interesting because I needed to get a new iPhone last week, I was drunk enough to where I'm worried that they'll hack into my shit. I'm like, give me a new phone. Right. Probably.

1:05:16 Yeah, man. grabbed Xbox One late at night. You know what they don't have anymore, though? There was quite a few places, but Chelsea was the big one that was open 24 hours a day. Really? The whole idea of pool is figuring out the patterns and moving the ball around, controlling the cue ball, making shots, and running out. Oh, man. You just see the shot.

1:07:11 I can't do one trick shot. Like, say if a professional came to your pool hall and was doing a demonstration. Oh, Joe Rogan pool cues? Out of wood and they're craftsmanship You want to buy a Southwest. It's very common. Well, if you did like pool, then it would be good. It might not be for one of those father-son teams. I'm sure they would be pissed.

1:09:45 Got a marble collection? that get crazy with that yeah because nah because i it makes it more it makes it more exciting for That's a good move. Yeah, just learn a new game. Yeah. Talking shit to Yeah Your glasses were smudged You know what? But no looking at the phone, no email, no text, none of that. that's what that's my new shit. There's nothing that important in an email

1:13:28 Even if it was going down, it's not going away. We came in the way. We just called some other dude there's a counter offer, they have offers on someone else, Yeah. you're great at podcasting. You could just It was called Talking to Strangers. Yeah, just him ranting. Just him. So he has like hours of information in his head Those people were back then.

1:15:58 Shit. Completely wild Well But, yeah, that is crazy just to be just that type of, some terrible shit's gonna get down. Some old rice. I mean, what are they gonna a terrifying moment when a boat Terrible time. Exactly. because they had no point of reference. Yeah. I think it's some non-scientific bullshit that some people try to pass off. They didn't know what the fuck was going on.

1:19:35 So the Native American Indians didn't used to have horses in the beginning. Weeks. Months of travel. I think people back then were ruthless. And also the infant mortality rate was so high that it lowers the average age of death. So I think their whole idea They would marry Antoinette. That is pretty bananas. and you were conscious for a few minutes

1:22:04 Well, you say, man, that is fucked up. No. The Bush administration made that illegal, which is kind of fucking crazy. How's he getting executed? soon to be out on Comedy Central. I know, I'd click it, yeah. for cheating Yeah, it was one of the cartel guys But in that world He had to maintain his cartel shit. Like no Do you have that up there He cut

1:25:11 Like, the reason she was cheating is because he was so busy running the cartel. Yeah, I would say the same. You got a fucking green light to cheat however you want. Are we in danger of being attacked by the cartel now? What have we said bad? Yeah. do it who's gonna profit right criminals is it better to have pfizer sell coke or is it better There would be less violence.

1:27:43 They've lowered the amount of money they have to spend on legal fees and courts and prisons they've lowered all Right. It doesn't make, Well, you can't go on a coke rampage. Yeah America's got a giant drunk problem I don't know, man. I think... I don't know the stats, man. I got it. We'll see you in tight spots. I got the written shit, the driver shit.

1:30:09 Let's make money. Also, I would, where am I? Like, I'm injured and I need somebody to take me to the hospital. But he would make irrational choices. Really? The teeth thing and the destroying your face thing. Isn't it just any form of speed once they start doing speed? Isn't that messed up? Meth mouth. You're in better health. Why don't you just call it dry mouth?

1:32:59 You could tell by looking at the other teeth. I didn't know that meth users eat a lot of sugar, Yeah, you have to just chew them all down and get some dental implants. I got veneers, though. Oh, those are pretty. So I got it fixed in 2011. Does it bother you if a pretty girl has a gap in her teeth? Yeah My top ones are fine. Why do we give a fuck? Why does anybody care about if someone's teeth are not perfectly in line?

1:35:40 It's a little bit off. Yeah. Yeah, but why? front headlight and smashed in a little bit the car still runs well but you want that shit fixed That's a spaceship. Pull up a picture of this. There's something beautiful about it, inescapably beautiful. You can't say shit about that car. Someone who sits in that car and they're at traffic, like, that's a guy who's doing, or a gal, who's doing well.

1:38:21 to me. Here's something. I think you're talking about a I wouldn't. I mean, don't get me wrong. But, you know, look at that. And then, like, look at a new Range Rover. It just varies by person. look at these ugly fucking shoes. You know what I mean? I'm totally with you. I always wondered I assume that when you're looking at meth mouth, with their brain well that's a totally different yeah that's crazy oh do you you probably you

1:41:16 Should have got a haircut. Like, it's the worst. garbage. What's garbage about it? The fit of it is tight it's weird i think i buttoned the so I'll see it. a few weeks ago and I'm making sure Yeah, they tell it there, I was on TV like that? Right, right, right. and just how people treat you and how people talk to you than a guy in his 20s with a t-shirt.

1:44:41 How did that become the way to dress? you take him seriously the same kid with flip flops on The guy working behind the counter is wearing fucking flip-flops Look at his feet. Sir, we do not allow that in this Chateau Mamouchma. If you wear flip-flops and a dude is wearing a suit, he automatically is one-upping you. stupid fucking diamond crusted watch

1:46:50 I actually like dressing horribly in high-level situations. How is he? Nobody ever talks to me in first. But this is a funny thing where people won't even engage usually with me on a plane. Her breath control. And she started cracking some joke about the movie Sideways. What the fuck is his name? But I'll tell you what, there was a guy once that, you know, blah, blah, blah.

1:49:26 And we're panicking. I'm in the window seat, and he's in the aisle. to a story about a dude with wine to a story about her ex-husband. because she doesn't know when to shut the fuck up and everybody wants to get away from her oh wow Like, hey, can you shut the fuck up? the seat and hopefully would just she would find a reason to keep walking yeah but she would she

1:51:37 Go ahead. Don't worry about it. I'll tell everybody about it. I'm fine. Two hours and ten hard time believing a man can pee as much as Mike Goldberg pees. Like, we'll go pee together. And this motherfucker will pee again inside of an hour. while we're doing the broadcast to stay up. If you're a man and you know this is what you're doing, sit down. I know this because I had to get my dog fixed.

1:54:00 No, my dog was six, and he developed an enlarged prostate. Like, it was blocking up. And I'm like, yeah, name him Hannibal. They put the band on and then the balls just fall off. They were going to do it anyway, but they didn't have to have me hold him as they did it. And then they saw it off. It's not real, but they called this video the BME. People are fucked.

1:56:20 Some weird thing where some people like to do that for whatever reason. Well, you know, supposedly, love situation with some woman, apparently, So does he deserve to have a car named after him or not? just was in love with a pigeon in love with a pigeon and destroyed his own again that's what Did you know Napoleon wasn't short? Let's find out. So back then when people had no fucking nutrition whatsoever,

1:58:58 For then, back then, that wasn't nearly as short as it is now. I'm 5'8", and I'm short for today, for 2014, when people have good nutrition. 5'10"? What's the average height? What's the average Napoleon complex. What's the average height? Yeah. No. Yeah, that's, yeah. That's not average. That's what they're saying. The average? Yep Yeah I think average would be

2:00:08 U.S., male, 5'10". And they also understand not to smoke when you're in the womb. We don't bring it up. Okay, now it's yeah yeah basically basically almost every one of these studies shows it's about five foot ten So what's the theory behind Japanese having the shortest? It's not like... No. But then they realized that it was structurally of use of fire. Pretty

2:02:58 See, that gives you an idea of it. Like, look how long his arms are. almost like a gorilla. Wow. It's a really interesting place because it it's it's first of all incredibly clean and unbelievably polite and like really almost crime Right. The team stored it away for later testing, assuming the nondescript fragment came from one of those Neanderthals who left a welter of tools.

2:05:28 Have you ever heard of that? but the genetic material nearby at the time. So new genetic That went to Russia? They just keep going. Right, but yeah, Oldest known tuna boat. The earliest known boat was made. so someone had to go out there and get these motherfuckers. Isn't that what it is? Yeah, hundreds, yeah. How many? Right, because 100 kilometers an hour is 62 miles an hour.

2:09:08 40 fucking thousand years ago. That's incredible. Driven away by other humans. Just walking. Dual Survivor or something like that? Oh, okay. of all time is just hard as a rock You give him your slippers. Like someone can have some, you know, What am I looking at? I'm sure he knows about shoes. Yeah. He's all wild and nutty. Yeah. dress up like Einstein

2:13:15 a look maybe you need Oh, like a Bruce Lee outfit? You don't remember, dude? Gabriel Iglesias is a comic that does that with his shorts. Oh, for his specials. it's light out wow he i think he holds the record for the most consecutive sellouts at the ice house Yeah. Yeah, man. definitely you don't get high when you hunt do you no I've just taken life.

2:16:38 It's just real fast, too. waiting for two hours and taking a shot and skinning it and then cutting it and putting it they grew in a test tube or in a laboratory somewhere yeah but i think that maybe like I don't know either, but I think it's inevitable. They don't want to be a part of it. which just figures out how to do everything synthetically, we will have

2:19:23 I can't, If you pay attention to guys like Ray Kurzweil and all these futurists that are at the cusp of technology that really You said it with such confidence, man. Because it's hard to find out Nobody's gonna challenge them 122 years old. Oldest living person. Well, I think their calendars were dog shit back then. But what if back then what was going on is they were super technologically advanced and then the flood came along and fucked everything up and they had to start from scratch?

2:21:50 Noah, you seem like a good guy. Was it Noah's incest? and just shoot loads into all of them. Yeah, yeah. I try not to get Why don't you go after the Muslims? My family has Christians. It's right here. Right here in America. Land of the free, home of the brave. We believe in zombies. My family has Christians. This is also a much more ridiculous place to get hoodwinked.

2:23:53 Right. Really? using religion as an excuse? But he would, like, in the middle of his broadcast, He's uncreative with his And bread for eating Yeah, I'm going to take this preacher, fart sounds, gunshot noises. Memes. Without a doubt. Man, I ghost write. That's the beauty of the internet, man. But it also, you could get it online right now. And can you play it on iPads and everything?

2:27:18 where we could say, hey, man, Hannibal's a funny motherfucker. PayPal. you know, I didn't even know So that's the beauty of Twitter and the immediacy of the internet is that access and just having I'm like, everybody keeps telling me this Hannibal Buress motherfucker's funny. Within 10 minutes, I had it on my, I mean, not even. It's amazing. Don't pay $200.

2:29:45 Which probably still is something, angry fans buying scalp tickets. Mercy Home is Chicago. Because Ari Shafir went. But UFC was happening. I shot yeah Yeah This was only a couple months ago, right? Damn, that's perfect, though. current music how about these they're too sexy I like my music to come out of some people that look like they're experiencing pain.

2:31:48 You're smiling with your TV teeth. That's a thing, right? And I'm at the Knitting Factory in Brooklyn Is that what you're doing? No, no, no. and you're like, you know, But she's, A lot of men can't handle that, Hannibal. The show is every Sunday. I did opening night there, opening for this band, Lasavi 5. now it's packed all the time. It's two blocks from my place, which

2:35:56 They used to have, like, the Steve Sweeney Show, like the Boston Headliners, So I still enjoy it. of situation where you're trying to figure out he should go on after him and let's put him here and figuring out what, element it's just good for energy and it's just it's just mixing it up it makes it more of a So I want to give people as much of the show as possible,

2:38:18 I'm like, man, people pay $30. I keep hearing great things. Wore slick clothes. It felt odd, but I liked it, but it felt good is just making sure opening for a band. Yeah. If you walk out as a surprise, but when people are built, it makes it better. Especially for the comedian opening for a band. One of the bands, they saw me at Zany's in Chicago Comedy Club,

2:40:30 Where's I'm free at? So all of these, because they didn't know either. Check him out. When I bring people on the road with me, It just helps. No, they're nice. I opened up for Bon Jovi once. First of all, I wasn't that good. And I'm standing on this fucking stage Like the rodeo they're still fixing the sound. They don't give a fuck. nobody wants you to be doing comedy.

2:43:22 They wanted me to bring women In the middle of your bombing. ago it was a disaster whatever it was I remember getting out of there going okay would you still do it? They expect you and the band. See y'all later. Tour of the Checkup? I think... Yeah. I'm the type of dude That's probably the more intelligent A symbolic check Go to HannibalBurris.com I like the name, too, Live From Chicago.

2:46:45 Yeah, Hubcap shop on North Avenue in Chicago. Go to naturebox.com slash Rogan and get 50% off your first box. Yeah, April 18th, I'm in Orlando. but there's still some tickets left for Miami. Mwah. Mwah.