Joe Rogan Experience #481 — Ari Shaffir Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out. That club is magic. What's the old green room? motherfucker the guy owns the improv the guy owns uh west palm the guy yeah all those guys That doesn't sound right. The only reason I knew his name was because he was a problem. I mean, I don't need to warm up. He was there already anyway. I'm like, oh, hey, man, what's happening? Yeah, you can't. We had to delay the show for 20 minutes for you went in, they're like, all right, the phone call for you. I'm like, oh, interesting. I'm like, oh, hey man,

2:52 Yeah, smoking weed with Rokin. four-year comic so you're working for me and i don't mind so go for it i was like all right You can't get fired. Definitely. and I go, hey, Joe Rogan's coming up soon. It's fun for us you see somebody out and you're coming down. They'd be like, Wow. That's crazy. I've never really done it. when you've had a couple of hits.

5:58 What happened? I don't know. Taste it. No, it's missing. How, it fell off. No, it's missing. As you're doing it? This is a guy who smokes joints with random strangers. You're a terrible person. Is that what it is? I'm like, I can't retweet those. They're not going to treat it with respect. Nope. Everything is wrong. Yeah. The problem is that club had been cultivated in the worst possible way. The guy

9:40 broken through the dam. Yeah, it's broken through. You're putting You know, Oscar de la Hoya. because i was kind of curious about how this is possible that one club could be so bad yeah so It's like they had cultivated. It's so true. Like, this guy's got an attitude. And I was like, good God, that can't work. and he was kind of blowing him off the stage.

11:40 Switch? the time yeah he gets them worked he gets them riled up yeah working the crowd the way he does Certain people, there's certain ways to follow them. They're doing it their way. to see captain america and then you leave and it's an independent you know what I'm saying? it'd be like, I don't understand this from the first one. But he just threw the kid in the water

13:56 Here's the best point bad motherfucker. So if they're in the Avengers back and forth and pulling shit out of the sky. is for him to show that he's unbeatable. Everybody else is wearing I got your back. turn into the Hulk They work on him when he is 5'10", 170 pounds, and they also work on him when he is 7'5", an outfit that he could change into and be

15:54 in size, you're dealing with a person No. Yeah. like when you're seeing lou ferrigno here do all this stuff, it's kind of hilarious. It's awesome. You know, he's obviously huge And his fucking pants still fit But apparently he didn't like it Good acting there, fucking Aerosmith's daughter. Mark Ruffalo? You got to see better images of him. It just happened to be green.

18:39 You're right. There's nothing wrong with Bruce Lee. the quickest name to fucking do the gay accent. Was that their sign? He's going to be a character in the UFC? Yeah. I believe her name is Sharon. But they were all just panicking. What? And they'd be like, oh, cool. Worldstar was made. It creates more Shut up, Brian. Hold on. It's a guy grabbing a girl.

21:44 Oh, it ends with weave pulling. Oh, now it's a full brawl. They're all going at it. Oh, it ends with Weave pulling. One of the babies. She was going into it. That's a guy, dude. That's her hair. restaurant is saying is that the woman tried to take a beer out off the property and you're not Well, it's just Houston at 3 o'clock in the morning gets kind of crazy.

23:30 Yeah. I was like, what? They were talented. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Joe, remember when we were at San Jose and we were at this restaurant? I don't know what you're talking about. But they were like a garnish And like head I don't remember at all. Yeah. In fucking Silver Lake. I can't prepare it. Yeah, Anthony Bourdain had an episode of his show where he was in Egypt,

26:03 What's wrong with it? We cooked deer head. Like you're killing dolphins? Man, it's so big. It's 2,700,000 acres. Dude, we're going to schedule that soon. I guess so. It's so fucking nice. No. Yeah, manual transmission. Text. And my manual transmission So they rise up Get that burst. Yeah, hills are bad, too, Well, you work the e-brake, too, right? Plus on hills when you're parking, you're supposed to put that on?

29:29 Before that, I had an old Toyota, and it was automatic. So then when you let go of the brake, it doesn't move. Dual-clutch, that's what it is. What? to shift the gears would get a three-quarter car length advantage. Wow. It's instantaneous. miles. That thing is a ride. off the road for longer i was just trying to decipher that it's true like that's just a bad

32:15 You remember that, Brian? Yeah, they still have those. A lot of those looks like the fit band like a thinner one yeah and And that also does the heart rate and stuff like that. What do you do? In between workouts. Say if you do They have anything to test how drunk you are? June 14th. Allegedly. Wow. of going online the experience of looking at pictures experience of taking pictures the experience of

34:34 This is like 5.9 or something like that. No, how big? It was the one that popped up and you had a full keyboard. Almost exactly the same. There you did. Get out of here, bitch. comes back i'll claim it otherwise yeah and i used the phone for all week, and I was like, ooh, this is actually nice. Oh, with Snake. What is that? Yeah. Pull up the image.

36:51 Oh, yeah. And at any point in time, I'll pop the back off, put the new battery, boom. It's fully charged. Really? fucking thing will go for like a day and a half. And at any point in time, I'll pop the back off, They didn't even pay me. My notebook now, like my actual physical what did you just write down? almond shaped nipples. that you said that.

38:18 Don't call it almond milk. I'm surprised you don't rock an iPad, like a small iPad. set list down on this instead of a piece of paper i like having in my pocket i do too but i like When I was writing notes in like Evernote or something, I wouldn't see the old notes unless I made a point to go back to them. like all these little points and then physically writing down i sort of it sort of cements it in

40:18 It seems stupid to me. Well, the iPhone camera's better than that. Have you guys ever broken your iPhone? Yeah, that's what happens. Or it just goes off Have you updated your firmware? The NSA. He's just going to rename it. running for office and let's say you know they could maybe you'd be a great mayor maybe you'd Now I can't. They have to stop terrorists.

43:24 I don't know how effective they are of stopping still stop criminals. I don't know how effective saying, We're like, Fine, do whatever you want. your givens are based in, in the joke? Well, then what happens is public perception changes. No. the Sanjay Gupta pieces on weed, the Nancy Reagan administration. But there's also what's going on in Colorado is the amount of money that's being generated by weed is undeniable now.

46:05 It becomes a marijuana lobby, essentially. It's not necessarily working in our favor either. and what the culture doesn't accept. It changes a big business says it'll be our best interest to like if you if they're not you know, have a television show It's barbaric. What you're seeing with like, like what's going on in Colorado too, is that people are

47:53 It's because of the old people moving there. made that quote i forget where it's made from it's me but the idea is as you get older you realize Because you don't even go out. it's the same kind of pushback that you'll get when the Catholic Church turned the priest around. the big meeting they've had two of, the way it's been done. There's no way to worship?

49:59 Like, I like that item. And I think a lot of that is insecurity. Brian pull up the story because they're and they didn't test the shit. they busted into my house with that fertilizer Did they have a warrant? Yeah, two books on how to grow marijuana. The point is, first of all, guess what? So what did they find when they broke into her house? for them to tell you you need to surrender your freedom now,

52:44 And here's the other part of it they they investigated a month-long But it's like they busted her down on a presumption is people that actually were DEA agents that were breaking down the door and they were looking for, you know, I'm still listening. that were growing tomatoes. And they had wines in their garbage. to break down your door and point guns at you.

54:47 Whoever it is that's giving them the direction, whatever fucking head guy. I will shoot you. Wow. did do it to intimidate people and they do it because a lot of them are just fucking sadistic It's like it just keeps them accountable. about LA I forget the actual statistics, but they're pretty fucking shocking. I don't know, but somebody had a really fucking good point the other day.

56:58 i think we all went there and i was like near the mall and i was like what are they picketing for it And things that get passed often have these clauses that have no... different than obamacare allegedly i haven. I haven't investigated it enough. Peter Schiff will probably next time he does the podcast probably educate me on it. The idea that you're going to gamble whether or not you get sick or hurt or your car gets fucked up.

58:43 In college. What's his name? They know they don't have income. Like four years of everything. four years of anything This year. That's so scary. Well, it's the only way to get a career, though. Yep. People doing a shitty job of raising their kids Like when you send your kid to school, It's everybody doing a shitty job of raising kids. That's got to play a part.

1:01:51 of what the children are doing i heard so-and-so's son is is off you know you also hear like oh this or this guy, he's constantly drinking, he's a drunk. It's sort of they have to mind other people's businesses because you got to find out where the problems are. everybody knew each other. but I've lost that team. Yeah, that sense of community. Right. That makes sense. And then no one was gossiping about me, but I've lost that like team.

1:03:14 you know, like we actually want everybody to have a good time. Why would he do that? it's also. Fine. You would invent the best reasons to start smoking. That's what they're saying now I heard about the ban. The room can give you cancer? That's the Everyone's smoking those things and it's annoying. What? Third-hand smoke is generally considered to be residual nicotine

1:05:37 and somebody wiped it down, it would combine with the 409? Yeah. That shit is like, that's in the walls. Mm-hmm. Dude, in the 90s, when I started playing pool, everybody in these pool halls smoked. and putting their cigarette down on the table while they were playing. So it was super common. And it says like 1989, first I can remember the ban. Imagine if you're there with your baby,

1:08:21 new brian put it up on the screen number one is newcastle. Brian, put it up on the screen. Number one is Newcastle. Newcastle. I will not buy you now because you're a fake bitch. Well, certainly there's people that are profiting that are trying to curb the regulations as much as possible to maximize their profits. I mean, there's something in corn, but yeah, your body doesn't digest it very well.

1:09:39 No, but that's a good name. Kevin Smith told us about it, man. The government gives corn farmers money and incentives to grow more corn. They grow corn You're giving them too much starch. It's cool to see in the mountains out there, They're coming from steers. them. extra measures to keep them happy. They pee. They dine on them. Yeah. They all become a blur, those Fear Factor interviews.

1:13:27 Delicious. Yeah, I never knew what it was. Different cuts of meat. And they come by your table and just slice off chunks of meat. Just more and more and wait for it to come by. A fucking Samsung commercial? It's a warm-up for it. You've created room for yourself. Like I just. I mean, if you're one of those people that really wants to take advantage of it, I'm

1:16:00 And we saw Vandale checking in as we were going over there. yeah they know how to eat yeah No, lamb chops is what they're stingy with. They're not stingy. Anybody? Anybody take my goddamn hot dogs. Beat it! Because every time they cut it off, now when it's more rare Oh, the one up the street? Oh yeah, you weigh it. Glendale. Connected the dots. electric fences for the cows and the pigs, moves them to different areas of the farm and lets them

1:18:39 The pink coloring they get? that's something to do I wonder what it is, Let's find out, Yeah, but in the wild, they don't dye it. It still stays pink? They eat protein pellets instead of eating other fish. they're consuming a tremendous amount of highly concentrated protein pellets and they make a terrific mess. So, you know, you have, like, a gigantic pool of these fish just shitting on each other.

1:21:11 The bug shit and everything happens. That thing is huge. That's chicken of the sea? Those things? That's worth $2 million? Oh, my God. That's so big. That thing is huge. That thing is so big. Doesn't come forward. It's a Jewish fish. It is pretty cool. Yeah. Is there comedy. To do stand-up, right? Yeah. Wow. Just to fuck around and tour. That's pretty cool. It is pretty cool.

1:22:16 Schubert's gone on that tour, though. due to how Jennifer Aniston, But we associate it with them being healthier or more vibrant. The color of the thing they're eating exactly and salmon raised on fish farms are given artificial coloring in their If you eat carrots all day long, you'll turn orange? And he always had like a box. Oh my God. pull it up, man's skin turns blue

1:24:49 Papa Smurf. Forever. That's his new industry? I'm looking at him on a set somewhere. Oh, yeah, the pink and blue combo. we're gonna stick it out if I was a girl I'd make her have It would look like I'd be dating an alien. You are not. Just wear the fucking alien clothes, okay? Oh, there's a girl. It's just a live one. Tuesday at 8? She looks like Mother Pearl kind of-ish.

1:27:33 recommending me to get silver colloidal is the same shit yeah after she took nose drops for years Does the FDA have to approve colloidal silver? Was that the shit? Yeah. Do you think those are the old alien spaceships, the gold mines? ability to like spread and coat things good conductor too yeah that's a cool well that's If it was for a little while, if you get it for a year or something, you know people would sign up.

1:29:51 Are you looking it up? Remember that? got like extra money. The henna? Or they would use body paint or something like that. Knuckles. Yeah, this is real. You go off, you go on. Yeah, I don't want them to watch too much violence. Yeah, he's going to be okay. Because there's a fight I want to watch going on, of those things where i was like yeah you probably guys probably shouldn't be watching this but they didn't freak out go ahead go get your peepee on dancing they didn't

1:32:55 Would you like them to get into jiu-jitsu and all that stuff? else looks fun, they should do that too. training partners too much less um less women do it so who, like, grinds it out and becomes, like, purple belt, brown belt, black belt, like, those women are badass, man. like, God damn. But there's some legit ones out there, man. What if it was like a crazy thing?

1:35:26 It's like they would have no choice after that. It's not going to be pulling it out. It sounds ridiculous, but so does almost all the weird shit like having to go to sleep. It's way weirder. That's a real thing. They're pretty sure that what's going on, and it's hard to measure it, And they're pretty sure that it produces it in high doses Because to measure it, it's all, like, really difficult to run these kind of studies because it's a Schedule I drug.

1:37:32 You can get it prescribed. Or you have not done it? And you don't think I should do it? Why not? Don do. It's so goddamn prevalent. You've never done it, Brian? Or you have not done it? You didn't like with him while he was tripping. Yeah. The problem is when you come out of that thing, it looks like Yeah, right. Yeah. You're just not like gone. Salvi is a tricky one, man. It's tricky that Yeah, you're not totally flatlined. It's like, oh, you're in the back at all. Right. Yeah.

1:38:56 You should have some to what? as a candle knocks over, Listen, if I go over to a dude's house, there's anything wrong with that, what's going on I lovingly put them together. Yeah, it's like, well, I need to do this. He was snoring. He's like, you were gone for so long. head open. It's the only weird thing with those things. Yeah. People that are vulnerable.

1:41:40 He was constantly doing it. Wow. Well, he went when he went to, I think he was teaching in the Pacific Northwest. in the creation of technology. know. I feel like it's a foreign film And it's from 2003. What did they tell us that? You think about what the Unabomber is. Type of character. This is for the next 30 years of property taxes. We're done. We don't have to talk anymore.

1:44:44 even, when you have something, you don't have it? Then they take 8% to 10% when you spend that dollar. Washington has no state. No state taxes. Nevada. Or what's that Sunday thing that they have there? There was like some show, so then when we did our Death Squad podcast there, You just said no filming. Oh no. And I was like, this was a horrible mistake.

1:47:09 Is there anywhere in Vegas to go out to party that's not just a loud nightclub I've heard of that. They used to do a comedy that, that Swingers Club? I've heard of that. Did you see Bill Clinton on Kimmel talking about aliens? And he said that if he did find aliens, he would tell us. Not by my definition of the term. That would be the dopest thing to check, too, if you got an office.

1:48:50 I want to know. Sort of. Well, I didn't. We know that now. But there are no aliens there so then I We know from our fancy telescopes You're trying to give me a hint that you are alien. Well, now we have friendly animals. Do you think that's something we'll do if they have aliens that were like hey plan an attack make it seem like it's aliens we'll unite well that would that would unite people in a lot of

1:51:54 They're already here. Let's just land, infiltrate the banking business, Technology might be an alien that forced human beings to create it technology is an alien that exists in an idea exists in an idea and a creativity that And exponentially, the group of people that understand the technology gets bigger and bigger and bigger There's going to be fucking crazy wars.

1:54:05 Artificial intelligence that requires a biological being to make it. Because this biological life form is unnecessary anyway because it's just a tool to create the technological life form. They just say, look, we'll just plant a seed. and they force the insect to do things to make them hatch. So it actually wires the grasshopper's brain and talks the grasshopper into drowning itself so that it can be born out of its body.

1:55:54 Fuck yeah, biology. this technology literally has become a part of our lives. text on so people can just text you while we're out at dinner? You're going to be texting. Yeah. Yeah, it exists in a lot of cars. Like being on the highway and weaving your phone is scary shit be more careful next time. Yeah, this next paragraph You shouldn't, but still do it.

1:58:25 So pretty much this is close. Send. Yeah. I love it. She listens better if you talk to her that way. I need to go home, what did it say? driving directions. That's interesting. I know. Yeah, and then it takes me right to, you know, driving directions. That's interesting. That's someone who wants to fuck you. He goes, So, That was one of the first stops we'd make to Tempe.

2:00:45 It's too big. No, Pauly Casillas for your first 10 minutes don't read into that like you're doing fine do you uh get him high You just smoke this. Just do it. allowed to drink on stage. The green room is set up perfectly Just heat it up with my body I'm a professional comedian. Arizona, sorry. And I saw the bartender look over my shoulder. Whoa, look at him.

2:03:57 Well, when that dude who owned it wouldn't let us have a shot before the show, I'm like, I've never gone off the rails. But I'm saying as a professional. They don't really like dirty. I do this. And that was that guy's problem. But then they had another guy. They found him dead. He's gone. Part of the reason that I enjoy going to clubs. Oh, you son of a bitch.

2:06:31 That's one of the first places. I didn't know what it was back then, but I got the tingling I just thought she would eventually find me. I'm still upset. No. Really? oh, I'm still wiping a lot of shit. We could have a shit study. Yeah. You can feel the warmth. Like about that much water. It was the worst diarrhea problem I've had in a long time. think it's like a food poisoning issue.

2:09:14 It was, um, no, it was, it was post ham, but I Oh my goodness. I mean, it was more than a week after I'd eaten a ham now that I'd had, I think, that day or before that day. And just diarrhea. Oh, my goodness. It was like defying physics. My stomach would rumble and then I would go, oh shit. There was no way. For the next day. Pushed air bubbles into your asshole.

2:10:57 Did you get the cooling, the Cool Ranch one? Yeah, Preparation Age. Oh, I could spread it. as a stomach bug, but whatever it was, man, No, I was weak. No, I wasn't getting hungry either. I would have steak and some salad I should probably know that. No, I just had to do the time. I still feel it. Yours feels like what? Yeah, mine's on the rim. It's binding foods.

2:14:03 Binding foods, Yeah. Oh, right. That means you're so inflamed in there. That's insane. For sure. Oh, Jesus Christ. My unused asshole. and they had to uh try to figure out how to uh get him to defecate because his defecation it was And so I got him fixed. He goes, if the dog is, if you don't want him to breed Why do you have to cut the balls off? So do people get that?

2:17:25 I'm sure there's people who've done that. Cut your own balls off. That's why they didn't take over the world. Maybe. about shit and giggling and laughing and distracting? Let's see it. It was a mass of poop just running red, but so thick. But no, You make laws about cigarettes Cigarettes are fun. I'm an addict. How are you not fat? That's amazing. So I see if I could go for a week just leaving it in my pocket with with me without checking it you know you really want to know your grades right just these

2:20:12 And I just got back from Israel, so I hadn't really typed much. But he'd got like 65 words a minute. why did you go from like 20 words a minute And they're like, oh, well, you can't ever come to the journalism department. Personal challenges. Just eating turkey instead of like, you know, meat, beef. Just eat fucking, you know what healthy is. Right. So nonspecific diet. Pizza is healthy stuff. Yeah. You know what that is? Stir fry. Don't be like, whoa, it's got some soy sauce. Just eat fucking,

2:21:32 You didn't just eat healthy. And what kind of exercise Are you scrapping? You're stitching. Yes. Good times. It was a very up, not like up hot pitch, but just uppity. And then they started talking about their job. Really smart. That's supposed to be $400,000. Yeah. parasite? Who's Kevin Rose? How is he a parasite? against him? capital from Google into the tech startup

2:25:13 It says... ones who serve them coffee, deliver fucking protesters are smart. And so they have those gentrification, which just means white people are here now right um and and it's $3 million San Francisco's fucking great though, man. because everybody gets there and like, Cali, it'll be into the 30s. It snowed when I lived Yeah, it's weird. San Francisco's just some strange like 5, 10 degrees warmer. Yeah, it's weird.

2:27:59 At work, people complain about the heat. i took the pch over near malibu and i I was like, God damn, it's beautiful here. But, I mean, look, let's be honest. You don't want to be near the water. Yeah. But I know when you walk down the beach, Santa Barbara's sweet. But when you go, like, oh, let's go to the beach right now. Me and Duncan and Joey did it last year.

2:30:25 That Montecito. Refineries? How far is Solvang? It's that's a good start going to taste some things. That's not too far out after that, right? How far is Solvang? Small town, like a college town, but it's great. But he went to college there. Really? They get good comics? No, I think just gigs around. you know it's like all just us no one has a meeting

2:32:30 Indeed. Maybe Brian might do a video. Oh, I like it. Yeah, this Tuesday at the Improv in Hollywood. April 19th, Seattle, Washington at the High Line. I'm going to be there with Sam Tripoli and Pauly. The Tucson comic. Thanks to Squarespace.com. Check out my podcast, for 10% off your first purchase.