Joe Rogan Experience #485 — Amy Schumer Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! Powerful Amy Schumer song They put a lot of weird shit in there, like white M&Ms and fucking... I heard I have the cheapest... It's like, honestly, vegetables and fruit for a smoothie. Clean. Because a lot of these dudes that are like working in these comedy clubs or these, especially Oh. pinata. I'm like that's awesome.

1:52 And they haven't. that somebody must have had with someone like you shouldn't talk to him it's like what are you I had a dude in New Orleans that grew up in New Orleans and had no idea how crazy and cracks open another one oh my god like nothing like nothing starts drinking the second beer and the cop was like Violence? straight from the bayou and they were talking, they were both like hitting on

4:30 you know that hotel by the comedy store, that had done a piece on the man show with us. Was it a transsexual or a transvestite? Would Jim Norton fuck them? But it worked, whatever it is. and it didn't get on TV in America. He also does his act like an Arab. I mean, he's not an athlete. Yeah. But no, I don't think he's escaping or running from anything.

7:07 Eddie is finishing. But he had the most horrendous blisters on his feet i mean his 43. 43 marathons? You can watch the whole thing every step of the way. I just think I can't help it. No, I think being motivated and wanting to take care of yourself is one or donate the money yourself? Here's another optimistic way of looking at it or positive way of looking at it.

9:42 It inspired a great feeling in me. I Is that the Olympics You know, the idea that they're amateur athletes is fucking preposterous. olympics there's fucking millions of people around the world untold millions watching at the same more excellent? their entire childhoods There should be some sort of scale, you know, Right. if you're like the New York

12:24 okay it does say this is the actual numbers the Olympic committee But this, I don't know how much this girl knew. Do Olympic athletes actually make some money? that you that you're like the one person that they're like okay now like nike or somebody wants I talked to a model also. she makes six thousand dollars a day15,000 in a day. If you're in a big campaign, I think it varies.

14:24 Like some of them don't have to struggle as much. Like weight have that body shape an ectomorphic body shape like the honestly are you talking about? before the show. No, I love doing his podcast but he's always giving me enemas right before. You're right. of people they think that i'm like actually bigger than i am like people i'm a size six and people i

16:14 But anyway, it's all about proportion and not really about how big or small somebody actually is. Like you cannot impress a guy with a purse, but women are like really, Ooh, like, let me, I wonder what she looks like naked, you know, obviously. Cause I'm not It's very, it's like, it's a badge of courage or something. whereas women are more dangerous

18:34 in a financial way, I've met guys where I watched them go down. Don't these guys that are 80, aren't they curious, like, But don't you wonder, and I know a lot of, I know not a lot, but I know a handful of women that had guys take As a matter of fact, I know they do. 54th Street where? but she put it away. I'm so sensitive to like- But whatever it is, I'm not saying that women can't make money.

20:48 I make a good amount of money now, you know? Black ones, too. Once they slip you that giant athlete dick. You'll change. You'll be fine. you just have to like... Stretch out your vagina. No. Maybe I shouldn't do that. have you yeah yeah where it's been like yeah that's good that's encouraging yeah i mean Or doesn't want to or whatever. Whoa, okay. number two financial security i mean what is it uh coexisting interest no i have almost nothing

24:30 Fuck that. It's called Chick Who Can Hang. dudes football get bigger diamonds it was like one of those twitter pictures and like a bunch of people like retweeted it and It didn't happen. I don't have any jewelry. comedians if you if a comic like all of a sudden became incredibly obsessed with keeping like an whether it's a watch or whether it's a car whether it's a purse isn't impossible that it couldn't

27:42 But isn't it possible that there's other people that could just I'm about comfort and On Instagram? What does that mean? But it's, you know, it's like a lot of That's part of that culture. half black half white i have friends that are black i've seen the differences in how people has done they're like this is how we see you like these guys were great actors it's like

30:31 And we needed it to be a stunt guy. They were like, no, he's really great at martial arts and stunts and stuff. And then once you do make it and you, you know, you get big, I could see all the braggadocious behavior being like exuberant. Are you saying dumb bitch meaning just a woman? But do you, like, how did people like. that are so different can't be friends like i have friends that don't work out ever i mean brian is my friend brian has like just started

33:17 And I think there's a lot of us that are a combination of things. database and now your spectrum sort of broadens a little bit your ideas that's one of the things And they just reject it, like, from the jump. Of course. Yep. I respect what you did, Eddie. unless you're unbalanced. Yeah, I feel like I'm getting healthier. but I don't, Yeah, but I think it's just like

36:13 I mean you can tell you're constantly questioning things. The way I started going out on the road was on the last Comic Standing Tour, And I just got used to like this defense that's just like built into me now. they've been wronged by so many interactions but you still can't let that as a comic and you don't know what to do. rapport and it's always good to see him and we talk

39:01 to me that shuts me down then that's know, at least I went into it open. And that's happened to a lot of comedians. Or they want credit for, like, their new art they're doing. because I even will have those impulses, then you wouldn't worry about if people knew you because you would put it out there. Okay. and, we're talking about, That gets goofy Yeah

41:21 I'm sorry Whether it's stand up or whether it's a podcast or whether it's the fucking upright tuba or Yeah. and I and I talk like very openly and then some of that feedback it makes you like oh should I Right. Well, you're not really capable of filtering who knows you once you become famous. Like if a chick's aggressive with me, I'm always like, I mean, that's less fearful when you're a man.

44:57 created by people who drank my mom always says that she drank through all four pregnancies but This baby wants to get Find one of them black athletes when you're doing that show. I've got little half black babies. in your crotch like They're flopping around Until they find some new water Did you really? I didn't know It was Piranha in 3D. Did you really?

46:37 I used to feed them goldfish, allegedly. Because they're dangerous or what? There's a walking fish. There's a pond in Central Park. Oh, that's it right there. you have to essentially kill everything in that lake to get them all out. see a terrifying fish with teeth and sense of power, If Predator landed and just started killing all the people, that's what it's like for that thing.

48:45 That's what's happening with this fish. Oh, my God. Yeah, but this is one of the most preposterous things ever. Thank you. And the shoebill is like five feet tall with an enormous beak. And they don't fly. Please do not fuck with us. And there aren't that many dinosaurs in it, but it's really worth it. Oh, so it's a recreation of what they looked like?

51:09 They don't do shit. and he doesn't know what's fucking him, and it's an ostrich. I don't need- Done. He used to be a baby one time. well, I'm going to fix them now. how you should feel Them? to it. A lot of people But girls? cheating. get when a girl gets like 23 they completely lose interest yeah and they move on yeah no you don't me like in you know like local press they're like why do you talk about sex so much i'm like

55:05 Well, you've got to think about different people's jobs they have bartending yeah you're like like ari shafir but you're a woman thank you you're a comic you know like your your perceptions like why they would be upset at you for for talking about sex or liking They pulled it down. Okay, well, let's find out. Oh, my God. Yeah, it was about that. but I thought Sarah Silverman was god

57:28 haven for all you're a barnacle of mediocrity on Bill Gates asshole that's awesome oh my god she You lose just for saying that stupid. The fuck out of here. The fight between Silverman and Case continued And he crushed them Where you're like saying racist shit Yeah, that was the joke. Well, listen, I'm with you. I honestly didn't think that was going to be that big of a yikes.

1:00:22 think that's comics i think that i'm used to sitting around with those guys at the cellar. If one of them walks back wearing a stupid We talked about it on Opie and Anthony where he had a slice of pizza and Louis C.K. saw him on the street and just slapped a slice of pizza to the ground and called him a faggot. You have to be a comedian. A tell. I think he's the funniest guy alive

1:01:58 Just sitting around with a bunch of female comics he's definitely one of the best joke writers out there yeah yeah because he's got so much of his It's a totally different experience than it was 20 years ago, I think. And there is that off-the-cuff. That was so brutal. at one point in time? I don't know, but I hope it's a You ever see Lenny? Did he go on the road?

1:04:47 Yeah. Yeah. That's something I like to do on the road is go in record stores and listen to whatever comedy albums they have. I just think being a stand-up is such an isolating life. Or I have my friend Bridget Everett. She does Montreal. I always do that. i've known it too And so she came on the road with me with how amazing she is as a performer. Yeah.

1:07:23 Sometimes two. That would be really fun. She'll motorboat anybody. Totally. out with all my friends because we're all laughing at each other right and it keeps you down or you're What's the. You're going to laugh. We'll have lunch. No, he's just doing, trying to be healthy. the first time I did Orlando and it made me go the Tempe improv You're like, oh, OK.

1:10:06 You did the inner tube for two. We were there the second time we went back and there was a family and I guess they were It just, yeah, a bikini, but it's a burka. Jesus Christ. Boom. I got to see this. That can't be real. Okay. Were their faces out and everything else was covered. Jamie, pull up Burkini. Jesus Christ. That really, literally freaks me out.

1:11:27 That here we are. Hello. It's a bummer seeing people, and you know, they don't think it's a bummer because they're used to it. Can they, though? I feel terrible whenever I see any form of suppression. And he would go to these other countries and tell these people that they were going to get a lot of money and tell these people that all these good things were going to happen. And then he would bring them over here to start working for these companies. And then they would take their passports away and leave them in these like

1:13:34 situation take their passports away i don't know who made those decisions and like i know like You know what I mean? And then you're like, oh, you had to sleep head to toe with people that don't bathe and you haven't seen your family in 10 years? I had a bad childhood like everybody else. So you're working in some kitchen somewhere. You know, that's a real issue, the passport thing.

1:15:30 But isn't the one thing you get like they let you'd be saying, get me the fuck out of here. There's a bunch of different, you know, there's variables. And he's become obsessed with helping them and saving them. these people are so unhealthy and I can help. He was a fighter. a specific cause and what but now that you like your family's well i would definitely i'm i absolutely could see myself getting into a

1:18:11 find something in life that And he sees like a tangible result in all the care and help and aid that he gives these people. It's cool. Very strenuous. going there's never enough fucking hurdles to jump training. They get sick a lot. It's a joke. live the last third of your life or half of your life with a body that's essentially wrecked from Standing on your toes.

1:21:45 The guy. Yeah. He's horrible. It's stupid. Yeah. You know, you're trying to impress them. locker room stuff with my friends. So I didn't have a normal upbringing just get tired of me being crazy. Like, my sister came to see me fight once, and I remember it being a wreck. And I didn't want to see anybody hurting me and them being upset. And you don't care?

1:24:52 You know, I'm gonna bomb it Fighting was a totally different thing, though. Really? Like, I'd be doing impressions of my instructor having sex with one of the students. But when you did it, everybody was like, oh my God. that fighting is totally different but I do see a a lot of parallels with stand-up with that. I always liked rap battles. I was like, oh, yeah.

1:27:30 Right. That always looks like they're about to... for a while yeah but even if it's not like but even i know you you and i both have heckler people And you have to keep the control. I want to say it was Milwaukee. was handicapped i was wondering if he had had an issue with his muscles or something, Yeah. he's standing there oh my god We're going to learn something just by watching you move. Dude, you need to sit the fuck down,

1:31:15 Who's his buddy? Who's with him? All I saw was his wrists. And I'm like, I'm not even going to drink. holding on to it. And I'm gonna see it. Wouldn't you love to just see through that guy's eyes right now Somebody's fucked that guy. Bitch is always looking for dick. this guy is stumbling, There was no way he was talking. He could barely move his body right. He was just making noises with his mouth

1:34:08 keep firing at me, you're going to feel bad later. sorry everybody yeah it's all like do you if you actually get angry that's the But then I've also seen if somebody keeps coming at them, they will go to town. Oh, no. It was just the perfect timing. Maybe your mom. Like somewhere along the line It's on a video. When a prisoner is calculating how many days till they get out,

1:36:36 It's hard to get, you know, if you have a limp, If it was another moment, it could be bad. If I instigate, then let's talk. And Thunder Pussy is you don't go on stage with any material at all. Jeremiah Watkins. But isn't it better to do the stuff that you know works? Oh, it's definitely hard. I did one hour once and an hour ten another time. A lot of it's in the moment.

1:38:56 That's what some comics say that they go and they do that. That totally brings up so many feelings right away. And you're like, oh, my God, here we go. The manager gave me the stink eye. God. It's like 40 miles from Chicago. so I was like, I think I'm a killer And Tammy comes on stage and takes the mic out of my hand. like i and i was like fucking thank god you know like, this is divine. But we're all filing out together.

1:42:00 A bomb threat while you're bombing is never, never good, though. this thing that's 10 times worse than that last thing you got mad at and i don't care and then But it's like I have worked really hard. That's always going to be the case, right? But the people that have seen those men and me perform To not say Roseanne Barr liked her she wasn't trying to look pretty shut up you know she just and she shoved it down your

1:45:51 There's a couple exceptions. it's like, but then there's also a price to be paid for that, for being a girl anyway. people will feel that way about me one day but um what the fuck am i talking about i'm just talking She's so funny. She's quick. who's worth a fuck me I know I think you're right and the people I'm close to I don't always agree with Jerry Seinfeld, but one thing that Jerry Seinfeld said that I really do agree

1:49:13 Are you, I don't think of, you know, do you have your hand on the pulse? and I think that's true. Like that's insane to me. comedians, uh, and cars getting coffee. They're, they're like, I'm going to Google comedians. He does it. That's all it is. No. in an interview no no no no no no no it was here, no, no, no. It was here. It is. So this guy here, I'll play it.

1:51:10 But you made a comment on the Tina Fey episode Yes. just another thing to think about okay all right yeah hold on a lot of things about the comedians You know, funny is the world that I live in. know PC nonsense then are you making us laugh or not right right he definitely I'm not going to disagree with the statement but knowing and getting a reaction from people like,

1:54:04 Wait a minute. I think that, And like Chris Rock, I think I said this on here last time but he told me like But I can't tell you what's funny and what's not. that you were actually saying i wasn't funny they were saying like what well they wanted you to be We will come get the girls when we need them. As long as you're funny, that's what he cares. I'm so confused. I love you. I don't want to get into an argument with you about this.

1:57:13 I would never use the word should with what Jerry Seinfeld should be watching. male comics um for the first season of his show he's saying like sorry if you guys were funnier People who look like this. i'm interested in are people funny if you're funny that's what i'm interested in to him that's It's like, no, you don't think he's funny. I think he wants to make the show.

2:00:28 That does trigger something in me. They're just in there. I really like him. your feelings and you don't you don't justify them or rationalize them in any way i think it I mean, there's a lot of, well, that's good. Some people speak with like a lot of authority about a lot of things. personal shit but i think you might be applying it in this situation in a way that's like you're

2:03:20 No. Just, like... and you know what? but you're not wrong. Do whatever you want, of course. it oh you might freak out but guess what it's tough shit that's yeah people people will like business um like it doesn't yeah just like doesn't make any sense but it's like so you feel that way Yeah. podcast or whether it's go with on the road with them yeah whatever annoying it's stupid i don't

2:07:46 Who was on the first season? I don't know. Famous guy. He must be one of the ten funniest people alive. Thank you Ricky Gervais Sorry I said Eddie Is that what you're asking? He had 10 of his friends. And then there's Louis C.K. in there. Colin Quinn and Mario Joyner I just I would never put somebody on my show And I would have feelings about it. I like the funny ones.

2:10:33 I swear, that's still a thing. this interview that I did was what I was trying to say in the interview was that I think it's just to sort of get in the door I'm not, are all triggered by women in general. Men might get bored. I think you're right. So, like, your first joke, you get off. How dare they? No. No, I went on before him oh my god around rusty where are you rusty they're calling out for a dog and then this guy comes down and he

2:15:05 yeah let me just get a water and i'll go on stage and i just went on stage and just i ate the shit The people that booked it, they were trying to say at the convention he was very funny. I'm like, you fucking sat me in that room with a TV. Yeah. while they're introducing you. No, now I just try to be relaxed and have fun. Yeah. You can't go on stage.

2:17:32 And you remember what it was like when you were a fan. a real artist you know i mean he's really that guy he's he's really a great comic i mean that's Their podcast is gaining steam. Just heaven. But it's a lot of work, but the result, you're enjoying the process. It is. Well, have you met me? Yeah. no I don't think so not really a pussy or my pussy either whoa it can't be sexual hmm well then it's never my pussy no it is my

2:20:31 Then it's just like, oh, she's just talking about her pussy. That's so crazy. It's a different world, right? And the revenue they're getting from you is you're already a controversial comedian. He doesn't do this. Funny is funny, right? I think you can say shit like a couple times. There's subject matter restrictions, though, like they decided like without the bleeping it's just it's just yeah this gay marriage time machine

2:22:30 There's a lot of diversity in Atlanta. So much so that I've thought about living there. Well, I think whenever you have people that are more inclined to be partying, you think whenever you have people that are more inclined to be the reality of the sex or abstaining this is nonsense I love that place. a ball of yarn in front of a kitten she would just dive on it she didn't know what she was doing

2:24:59 And electricity causes sparks, so you can't do it. But I want to stay awake. that comes from being an overbearing parent Just the way it is. lower uh cases of um of um uh hiv way lower cases of addiction they're they're all these numbers Well, in France, apparently, everybody talks shit about the French, but from my experience Oh, really? I'm like, oh.

2:27:08 Yeah, I almost broke up with a guy Not if you're from Jersey Wait a minute, over there they say it yeah but like barcelona not if you're from jersey Well, he said that he never learned anything from me and he was implying that I was a dumb I know, girl. What? But if it wasn't for them, we would have less to talk about. Without chaos, we wouldn't exist, Amy Schumer.

2:29:21 we're out of business. Silicon Valley, or one gal, I'm more worried that I forgot to Tivo Divas on E! this week. Isn't that what we're doing? Well, no. You going back to New York? You can return to your lair. Are you scared? I'm fine. I noticed a crack in it the other day. It's crazy. laurel canyon like as you're going up if you're headed towards the improv if you're going up the

2:32:14 And it was their house breaking apart and falling down the hill. Like a bear, like a hibernated bear. We're going to get out of here. Eight hours. I can't, you're Beyonce. I'm just talking. chess like i if somebody's like oh this like stuff with the the plane like i just my mind just shuts like you know between the comedy and the podcasting and the ufc stuff they're all just fun things to

2:34:13 Have fun in Orlando. I think so. What I'm trying to say is check your local listings, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, that is the spot. Caroline in the City. Harmony. I don't even know. Probably was a good show. I'm just? No, I didn't, but I blocked it out as if it was that. I mean, no. Thank you. S-C-H-U-M-E-R. Thanks to Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T. We've got a lot of shit going on this week, ladies and gentlemen.

2:36:51 So far, it's Ari Shafir, Duncan Trussell, Tony Hinchcliffe, and me. It's in Pasadena.