Joe Rogan Experience #493 — Greg Fitzsimmons Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Fuck the music, let's just turn the show on. Just like this. You know what it also does, though? Dude, don't even say that. It's great business you're rude no no no no but someone asked prescriptions obviously now that's what's crazy. Were they different states or same state? He had a back surgery. I mean, it's the same exact chemical makeup. It was literally like that.

2:29 I can have a long conversation. All the great writers. Vicodins isn't heroin, though, right? Vicodins back on the heroin. Just do it. Get back on them. All the great writers. that your And then you have to, when you go off it, it takes a while for those receptors to clean and their serotonin would be depleted right and then they realized if you take 5-htp while you're

4:33 to give your body enough to rebuild itself. And in certain circumstances, what you're doing to Just wreck the whole thing. to not have to deal with all this shit And then our reserves are depleted. Yeah. Um, there's, there's, we had Steve Maxwell's, this famous strength and conditioning to make it the most nutritious, I think there's no correct answer.

7:03 And I eat vegetables all day long. when I'm really going, I probably fart 20 times a day and they're long farts. And he started laughing so hard. I just got some probiotics in the mail that I'm going to start taking. Yeah, you can buy enzymes. That's why you ever eat at one of those Brazilian places, those Fogo de Chão places? So it's like a good post-meal thing.

9:26 but people who I've talked to that are health and nutrition experts say that you should have, like, You're already open. second meal. Because then We used to we I used to have dinner at his house and they had fucking antipasta, then pasta. You know? Like, yeah, you're going to be sleepy afterwards. excited? No, no, no. I'm ready. You got me it's, according to this

12:26 Because creativity, once you feel anxious, it tightens up. You get existential. Right. Maybe I overdosed or something. Don't keep Vicodin's in the studio. Where's your dog? It's a fear tactic. Of manipulation and control. huh you know i get it if you're going over a bad guy's house and that bad guy has some dogs and And then they arrest the family because someone had delivered some marijuana to the wrong address.

15:46 So this guy, the mayor, had nothing to do with it. Because this sounds familiar. What do you mean? Okay, it's Maryland, and here's the—it's Berwyn Heights, and here's the actual story from Wikipedia. a SWAT team raided and held the mayor and civil rights groups In 2010, in August, Oh, my God. And it's a fucking really hard job. This idea that you're not us, that you can go over a guy's house and shoot his fucking Labrador.

19:08 And he said that they show up, they'll show up to help somebody, You know you've got to go in, and you're going in there because you're assisting the fire department They were shooting firefighters. on national television. Right. All he said was, keep away from black people. We're not. He apparently had a reputation for a long time of being racist.

21:37 because he was profiling people into his apartments. You know what it was? Yes. If prostitution was nice and legal, prostitution for a girl is like the perfect time you get like a relationship with the guy you don't She needs her teeth cleaned. Like cobwebs. Good for him. For folks who don't know what a billion is, it's $1,000 million. That money comes and goes.

24:32 But the public humiliation She was incorrect. and it's like so many people are so fucking mean. I feel bad for him, that he's an old racist. fucking ugly pig whore you know get some more plastic surgery you cunt you rat you piece of Misogynistic. But here's the thing. It's like, on the show, that at first? You know, is you think about And they just figure out a way to rationalize it because of the fact that they're, you know,

28:13 I mean, look at the hate that those girls get. It's just shallowness. shallow, that run around, and they porn. They just think that she's... Your kids know. They fucking know. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. They tell each other these things. You know, I had this conversation with some parents his head. And then the wife so fucked up in the first place.

31:03 But then I thought, I was having sex at that age, but I was in a car, cops could have come, If you make it like, Oh, forbidden, you had to attach. left and right and uh the we and the the not so hot one got an argument at school and because of Stupid. The anger that men have towards women. different. They really do hang out as a group more. The men and women are on more of an even

33:24 Yeah. Well, you've done a great is always the fucking There's a song that I listen to that all I could think She lived a couple hours away. At 10 Yeah, 80s songs. Let's see. Golden Earring had like fucking song. I got this Rabbit and I started driving to school my senior year I was in my car in Boston, and it was April, We'll fucking move because that's crazy.

36:01 Right, right. But it didn't bother me that much. Imagine them farting. have went somewhere else. I was attracted And then I stuck around because we were doing comedy, We all were aware of it. It's awesome in the beginning. not that you have to come to LA, but you gotta get out on the road. They just couldn't put it together. They're like, you're not even into this.

38:57 There's a big difference between the kind of comedy that you do when you're starting to put together your first few minutes, And then there's like a real road set where you got to put on a show. And in New York, it's like, look, nothing is more. They'll start a show at 8 that goes to 1 in the morning. It's just a continual show Yeah, I hear good things

40:31 Yeah, I forgot about that. Ice House is great. Bob's the best. it's like, they're so positive. Yeah, that's fun. It's right on the promenade. Really? Santa Monica? No, it's in a few weeks. Oh, well, let me know, man. I'm gonna Yeah yeah I'll let you know Right on Santa Monica Boulevard A lot of the sets he did were in Brentwood. It was already closed.

42:59 Adam plays really good. Well, it was downtown. Is that the place that was on the second floor? And it was great. And that was a sweet spot, too. House of Billiards? Right. Well, there's a few places that are really good, like Cantor's. Swingers is really good and healthy, too. Yeah, the writers on Tosh were telling me how great it was. Like in Ohio, every store is open 24 hours.

45:40 I was just at Fort Lauderdale, and I realized those nightclubs around the Hard Rock stay open until 5 o'clock in the morning. Why is that? You know, you want to get off work. Well, remember in Boston, you couldn't buy alcohol on Sundays. You got to get sober so you can listen to the Father. Remember? Yeah. We had a driver once in Louisiana starts talking to him and asking him like questions and this and that he's answering the cop's

48:07 Right. So in California, it's decriminalized. parts per million of marijuana outside of your residence, they could go and arrest you or fine valid anymore. There's the thing. Silly bitch. You drive them around. I don't think that they So they probably have material that they do that dummy, that Governor Christie, I don't know what the study was, but it was about abnormalities

50:58 you would have to demonstrate that there's something wrong Is everyone losing their job? This study is showing that it's not good at all. There's a lot of things that are going on. to be healthy. Shows a lack of character. or being a person that treats their body like a fucking Big Mac dumpster, People wouldn't vote for him because they'd be afraid that he would die in office of a heart attack

53:36 There's a diaper that they're selling now. Yeah. Keep eating them fucking meatball subs. They got the good peppers they put on the top there. Yeah, yeah, fucking God got ahead of me. Whenever I step down, it just pulls over. You see a wrinkle in my face? Tight. And he goes, I'm serious. skull i take my hat i look like a look at this when I take my head off I look like a light bulb there's

56:54 out in the face. It makes a lot of I mean, sometimes they do do it with fat, and it makes it look like someone beat them up. That's a lady if you're married a woman's idea. Maybe it's the man's idea. She had a couple of babies, but they tightened up nice. I don't know. Fetus cells. She had some house that she just sold recently that was on a website that showed the house.

59:23 Wow, look what she used to look like. I won four Emmys. meet at this park bench. and she tweeted something like, tried to make something out of shit that I had my car and so I just dressed up And you got on TV. He gets to meet Ellen. I just love the commitment She's talking about But she's a lesbian. That's such a terrible superhero. She does have a tie on, just like a guy.

1:02:20 the 12 days of Christmas. They had just come out. shit, right? And you talk about it on your show. Yeah, this dude is down in So the dude's going to come in. He's sending me a skateboard. You make it worth something like cans. So they might spend millions to try to extract billions. Is that what it is? Yeah. They should make a flip phone out of it.

1:05:41 Nobody wants to give up anything, man. Yeah, that's a good one, though. Isn't that amazing? And I'm talking about myself. It's called the Fairphone. I think you'd say fuck it what are you giving up We don't know where it comes from. Good day. it sounds like a good idea however you're not getting my money before I see your fucking product. they can let you know if it's worth your money yeah and you also like that's the reason why

1:09:33 you know, but if you... Would they definitely buy shit that makes me feel good. I think a lot Yeah. I want a Mustang. It'll change your life. This is going to be a good ride. You don't talk to this friend anymore, I hope. Fuck yeah. off your dog. And every other congressman looked at him and went, this guy's jerking And he's like this anti-gay KKK cat.

1:12:19 or they're fighting off the wanting to fuck dogs. he'd shot real jewish people but then he could have been a hero if he'd shot real Jewish people. now they know. this is the best website ever. I always thought that that would be funny on a podcast, to find some really obscure, and mean satire. your drug test that's going around right now that everyone thinks is real.

1:14:09 Oh, no shit. They just make up stories. And you're never getting the context of it. You're never seeing the disclaimer. It's pretty obvious. remember they pointed out a suspect The Olympic bomber? that, must have been unbearable. He fucking gets in his car and starts driving to you because of CNN. It was fucking brutal. Right. Yeah. Well, it's, you know, it's getting to the point where there's, you got to have some profiling.

1:17:47 Get a cavity search going. Oh, my God. Oh my god. Holy shit. They look kind of Middle Eastern. Yep. To make sure it's not a bullet. No. And they put it. I lived on Mulberry Street. Why did you choose to live there? and I fell in love with the neighborhood. Their son, Tony, who works in construction, he lives in Staten Island now, a nice house, and I would give them $400 in cash.

1:21:10 There was a little kickback. Yeah, it was the. And it was all, like, literally the plastic on the couch it was uh everything had like uh formica on it and the end table had uh an Around 1990, Federal Bureau of Investigation was able to infiltrate the mafia using secret electronic surveillance. in the hubcaps of the cars. So they And every shop on the street, there was pictures of Gotti up.

1:23:10 Yeah. Wow. And he didn't allow this woman named Gina, and she had But, I mean, just walking, and people walking up to her, shaking her hand, giving her, like, a dollar. Because she was running numbers, and they wanted her to rat out the mob. She wouldn't do? Because she was running numbers and they wanted 50 on that, and To your grandmother? I thought that she just was visiting her aunt. I was like, where's

1:25:20 Pretty hardcore. You never talked to her about it? She was a really eccentric woman. He'd give Chi-Chi a stick of gum. He must have loved visiting her. because of that. But they would fucking scream at each other. I need another wig. If there was a family gathering and everybody was meeting at 6 o'clock, After that, you're just corralling them. And then they think, well, the kid can walk.

1:28:19 I mean, I've said this before on the show. It was just too violent and crazy. The idea of that being what shapes your life and then trying to interject yourself into normal society. then the martial arts was actually taking that The character development of martial arts had a huge impact on just me moving out of where I was when I was a young boy to moving where I was as a young man.

1:30:37 get injured you gotta you know it was just it was so much of it was like so much more stressful than horrible mistakes socially, a lot of that is this overwhelming response, this overwhelming You get out. And when you feel like you're not being protected, You got to get out of there. It was no doubt about it. I remember the layout of the house. You don't know why someone's hitting someone.

1:34:09 It was like immediate. every kid wants to think My mom is, because of the fact But she also engaged with you. or having a terrible one can really fuck a guy up you know i know a lot of men that are grown men apologizing, and then he'll let him back in. Change your number. Yeah, and that hitting is not coming from a place, like you said, you saw your mother did nothing.

1:36:49 There was a knockout. The idea that that's a beneficial thing is so stupid. is free anybody can do it there's no one can tell you how to do it and it's the any asshole can, and they're starting to see more and more of that. It's sort of a buffer before you go into like a homeless shelter. And they give coaching to the parents. Here's how you spend a tremendous amount of time doing those but managing your mind and

1:40:18 to have community re-emphasize the idea that it's important to treat each other well to the kids to And it's not just the diet. It's the fact that there's, you know, 200 people in the village and every day you walk to your job and you stop along the way and you talk to, you know, Mrs. Margatia, what's There's mommy and me groups where mommies and their kids.

1:41:45 not have a hundred friends? is a dickhead. orders a shot of whiskey, Why are you riding a horse across the country? It's the Marlboro man. I'm blowing a fucking stinky cloud around my face. Stand-up's probably close. That's like one every seven minutes or something, isn't it? just, you know, floating in that. Just when you were a kid? Yeah. Right, right.

1:44:11 It's just you would smoke. Oh, my God. Taking the kid to the doctor's office once a week to get shots for his asthma. Wow. You didn't know it was bad for you? Look at how many black people smoke Kools. There was probably a lot of people around you smoking Kools. They took their family, brought them over to Italy. in. Property values are going to go down. You better sell. Sell now. So people would sell in a panic.

1:47:02 His next door neighbor was black. That child is seeing other messages out there that are racist. We were around the same age. the kid next door was selling crack. and they battering rammed So the neighborhood changed radically. It's like sort of like in a lot of countries you have waves of immigrants. And it was a pocket of solidly Irish people and Italians.

1:49:44 You go to the meat store you go to the uh you know the cheese shop it's all you know there's ice cream parlor from way back when it's They knew where Spike Lee lived. they're just moving people in and it becomes trendy to live in this once quaint neighborhood. cute houses. Not big, but, you know, It's fucking beautiful. This guy, gay guy, I became really good friends with.

1:51:35 So he's like, I got to move back to New York. I put it on the market, that's when the property values Because it's got – I think we're going to retire in that house someday. That's a good move. Surfers really seem to be the happiest, most balanced people you meet. Yeah, surfing's a pretty intense thing. She's got great balance, and she gets on it, and she just jumps up and rides these waves.

1:53:45 that shit's flying over your head. It's like, fuck big celebrities like Julie Louise Wow. That's amazing. And it's all about when you drop into the wave. But Eddie Ift. He's always got a story about almost getting in a fight. And I got to really fucking breathe. Going on my interaction with him, which has never been anything other than pleasant and fun.

1:56:04 you're the worst fucking human being and like, otherwise nice, But he did leave for a while, didn't he? you you can't suddenly start talking and you ever notice pigeons or nah you just fucking almost No, because it would seem like, so that's not really you. look at me, I'm a cunt. you got to play the bow you got to like pull the bow back all the way before you shoot the arrow

1:58:49 Get out. Take her out. I want you to go find a fucking soul Yeah. Like you can get away with some shit. And the thing is, you have to gauge. At Stitches in Boston. Physically attacked. I still remember that. I couldn't get out because they want to see the fight Yeah, you got 10 minutes left, because they would, My neck was fucked. And I was like, that's hilarious.

2:02:34 He was a guy that I had to tell to stop wearing T-shirts on stage. I go, it's too distracting. He almost attacked a club owner in Vermont with me. about why he complained about it. What are you, Jewish? And he was really sensitive to anti-Semitic stuff. And it's like, whoa. And I had to figure out like, what would I do if the shit went down? Yeah. Like, how's that work?

2:05:04 Yeah. That was what the guy was saying. But he felt bad about it. I would actually just take my slinky and throw it down the stairs. He was a funny dude. It's like, this guy, Danny, Not a stand-up, but just made for sitcoms. I mean, he went to school with like, you know, So he goes off and he is selling Banksy art to, you know, he's got a couple dozen big celebrities that buy art.

2:07:28 And he's like, he just landed on the you to put you on a show. It's promoting yourself. they were worth anything when they were young. Right. So then you take that and you have them whatever it is, you find out how woefully uninformed they are. Mm-hmm. They're all panicking. Yeah, you're swarmed. There's no music. They want to get in there, too. you can't especially if here's what the payoff of fame is every person that's coming to you

2:12:02 like getting my brother as an actor and he's really trying hard to get on neutral ground and saying, hey, what's up? than, I walked up to him on the street, Well, there's always weak, weak people who's fucking Brad Pitt? What's so special about him? You're the one being a dick because you're walking, It's like, come on, man. that that person you're one of my personal heroes.

2:14:11 But you, Can I take a picture? Yeah, sometimes it is. Right, right. I'm like, dude, no. So what do you do if somebody halfway through the line starts digging into a long story? like invest in my idea, my company, my thing, I really need a break, and you got your break. Okay, then take it to a fucking book agent. I am pitching my own shit. I didn't read it, but if it's similar to what I'm doing, I don't want to be in a position where then you're claiming that it was

2:17:03 put your cool ideas on a website. So just focus on your fucking work I think there's more subjects just open up like there's so many well look at it right now you look at chelsea handler and whitney There's a huge market for a really funny woman. You're sitting at home on a Friday after work, Probably about 30. They want that. No, they both have huge gay male populations.

2:20:20 If you want to fuck. That's probably what they do. That's a weird And gay guys are just as hilarious as we are. sack that needs emptying used to always joke around about. Always wore a football jersey. in houston i first saw him in houston he was a Houston comic. Right. And he was a part of that wave of really good guys that came out of Laugh Stop in River Oaks.

2:22:57 Look at that. I read this in the paper today. Because I don't care how messed up your family is, Well, there's some real estate probably also makes a lot of money and probably maybe it got to a certain point time he doesn't Wait a minute. It was like five of them. It definitely has gone up. I mean, 10 grand a week. Doesn't he live in New York also And then he had some books that did extremely well.

2:25:51 He started out, he was big over there. Yeah. That's it. I mean, guys got to sleep. It's like watching a silent movie. It's like watching like a silent movie. What the fuck is going on? Look it. Starting from scratch, you're going to do a show in eight hours that's going to be an hour long, You're doing a podcast. You have to have support. But I think I'd only want it for like a year.

2:28:49 You know, It might happen a year from now. They're coming on? Yeah. to go home to go. I flew directly to Vegas. You told the story along with the joke, right? So it was tough. then i got him and i and played it for Dave and Dave he called me a cunt and then it went I was doing Carolla's podcast standing there and and he's looking at the jokes and and i go if there's anything you need he goes

2:31:54 And then by the end of the show, he gave me his number. my friends about how funny you were he goes i just he goes i had had a gig the night before i flew to You're wrong most of the time. Right. Which he might. You could start start mocking him there's nothing wrong with that but to just get angry fuck that douche like that kind of that's encouraged in a

2:33:12 And I've done it to comics, Oh, and then I shit on Carrot Top one time on Stern. and I look at him, and he looks at me, Apparently, his name's Scott something, His audience loves it. He ain't at the upcoming, like, things in the pamphlets that they would leave on the desk. We just did three hours. Fitzdog Radio twice a week. Twitter. Twitter is at And then I'm going to be coming out to...

2:35:51 because you're not going to want to do that gig. That's the one Callan called me up the other day, and he was there, I'll leave it at that. Yeah. Yeah, I loved it, man. Beautiful. Go to O-N-N-I-T. Use the code word ROGAN and save 10% off any and awesome devices. Thanks also to Onnit.com. Go to O-N-N-I-T. the day of and see you soon