Joe Rogan Experience #495 — Ian Edwards Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! Yeah, you told me the story. It's mind-boggling. I gave half of it away to this Mexican church across the street from me. And Chase shut it down. fishy. They don't like where the money's come, the answers of where the money's from. So they Like, the only reason why it's in there is to make the loan, like, they're going to give

2:30 No, that doesn't seem to make sense, man. Are we pretending we don't like to fuck? people like still like to have sex with each other. if you you got to see ian live like for folks who don't know i think you get slept on man i really I'm going to be doing it with extra venom next time when you see me on stage. What is it? Yeah. You can roll like that, though.

5:00 Well, it's also that I get guys like Ian Edwards to come and do the show. Yeah, I've been over there. That's hilarious. friendly people. And you go, That's what I think. Thompson lived there. Henry Miller lived there. i'm trying to think of somewhere i went to do a show it's kind of in wine country Everybody knows the wine tasting thing. They even sell it by these big two liters and these huge things when you go to the winery.

8:02 Like, yeah, pull it up. It's been proven by many doctors and stuff like that. So that might be why I can drink so much. It's interesting because I'm very yeasty. It's been proven by many doctors He brings over fucking Jim Cook. We can't change it? It's not Cook. Right? Isn't that Cook? You can look it up. It forces you to recognize And you don't know the answer

10:07 Yeah. But there's also a lot of ridiculous websites. claiming to be the welterweight champion of the world. That's why boxing is not what it used to be. One time I was welterweight champion. I'm boycotting him. Oh, shit. Yeah, the bank, I thought they were going to close. And support it somehow. Maybe it's raw milk or marijuana. It could be irony. It's probably something I would like. They're probably selling something awesome. Maybe it's raw milk.

12:43 Because you really think about it. to make sure that someone hears about it so they don't do it? never would go to jail if they do it to them yeah then they yeah they don't fuck around when it But it's just, You could have done lauren hill in jail they're like well you gotta go to jail no no you're gonna go to fucking jail important for everybody. What's number one? Is it healthcare?

15:40 that and then then there's some people not getting enough of it who need it, like for education, especially like in the hood and all that shit. a better sense of community and if they know where the fucking money's going like there's no receipt towards public education. it's pretty, we're in the dark about it. I like your important voice. It's the president.

17:38 And I'm not going to know how you're really thinking. There's too many of them who take too much time. Who are you? Our country is strong. This is crazy talk. At one point in time, shit was when a motherfucker in a wig was telling you what was up hear ye hear ye and he's dressed We will wear the wigs Pesky in that wig That is so crazy. What are you doing stupid

20:40 This is Shakespeare What do they call him? That's old school. That's just what they did. You know that scene? I can't even remember that part. Donald Sutherland. He's like 20 years old. It says JFK movie clip. like, it's a vehicle who's telling him life in France. We would have arrived It's interesting. I mean, that day, in fact, there were some individual Army

25:16 Anyway, here's the point. P-R-O-U-T-Y. It's called Park Something. So it's about them operating on JFK. And the guy said, okay, let's do it. And they was like ready to just, it's like those moments. And then getting the film from him. three from heart attacks, and two from natural causes. they were talking about how you could actually be driving on a motorcycle

28:23 that are only in Africa, but they seems like you get hurt, man. In California, they killed all their bugs. That's a real bug? Yeah, here's another one of them. It's like a Motorola StarTAC. Oh, that's an ocean creature, isn't it? It's technically not an insect. Yeah. Oh, for real? He can't breathe. I don't know what happened there. So it lives in the water.

31:25 It's got gold eyes, everything. That was more football-sized. The deep sea isopods. It looks like a huge lobster tail. dry it out, get it set up I just went the other day and had it, and it I have to be in the mood. I had some shrimp cocktail the other day, and I can't imagine that anybody doesn't like He doesn't eat the water bugs. And they're one of those creatures where you don't feel so bad about killing them and eating them.

33:36 And, you know, that freaks people out. Octopus. Yeah. They're smart and nice. They don't find very many of them at all. So weird looking. It's hard to say what that is. It's not hair. in the right sun Does that really slow you down? Why do you care? Guys are so picky when it comes to women watch that oh you gotta see i don't have that. Oh, you got to see that.

37:08 is that things are taken in a way today. to anyone who is an objective person, Race means zero. Did you hear the same thing? You escalate it. Think of the That shit doesn't make any sense Look, it obviously can happen. He's a billionaire. is the thing it was. How do you know? That's a... Like when a successful family, right, like has a daughter and they tell her, they send

41:02 Like some dude who can't pay his rent. I'd rather be an escort if I was a chick. And it never matters to me. Most people can't. That happens too. She's like I'm too hot to be walking around carrying drinks I need to just be right here A pair she stole from work Not in yoga pants, but in those Hooters wardrobes. to do that. We got athletes. thing that has come to,

44:15 Is that what she wears? We have to do this right now, though. To fake like you need a visor. These are going to become popular, did you see that new thing that they were – like all the way up into the top So this guy figured out how to make a screen that when you know you know what a whole float tank is the Real bad bruising on his leg, and he helped heal it up in there.

46:52 So you lie down, you just float. You don't hear anything. But that's... that you don't see the actual screen itself. This screen, which is hovering in front of you, well the idea is that just your whole body just sitting down just your ass touching this chair is all I've done longer, but I think two hours is the right amount. Get one at the crib. And it's lightweight, too,

49:43 Or you just zoom in on your hand, pinch to zoom on your hand and you actually you'll be able to recognize your hand the same way like your fingerprints but also your face is going to be like the next tit because you never Blowjob's gonna go up. Yeah. What is that? It's crazy. Oh, that fire is coming from the city of blah, blah, blah. like you have to figure out where the thing is like how far away it is because you're out like

52:56 They hit exactly the same time because gravity is the same for both the bullet It'll drop right there. will be the difference. That's a cheat. Well, it makes sense if you stop and think about it. if you just drop a bullet. Is that there is an explosion No, no, no. Dude, Radiolab though, right? I don't know what you're talking about Come on, man. It just started coming back on.

55:59 That would be the craziest. It seems that this is what they're saying Ask Siri. You're retarded. you can get it to orbit around the Earth. If you ignore air resistance, I guess maybe, The whole idea just freaks me out that we're floating, you know? Two buildings exactly the same. Exactly. It's fucking nuts. Like, pyeong, things go flying. Yeah. That thing's probably still flying? You figure they're gone. Yeah.

1:00:28 That wouldn't be related. And then there's things that there's a whole belt of shit that somehow or another tied together and all floating around. We just take all that shit for granted. Yeah, everyone's fighting traffic. And meanwhile, we're spinning in space. This lady was telling me today about the rents in Santa Monica, just about how brutal it is. She couldn't get a place in Santa Monica. She was driving from work all the way to Hollywood where she can afford a place.

1:02:25 The great beyond. I mean, it's one of the most ironic things ever is that we're running out of space while It's a very finite amount of space. There's certain places that have better climates. They wear very little clothes because it's hot all the time. This is so ironic that all this is going on to distract the shit out of us while we're hurling through infinity.

1:03:51 He ain't going to do it. Well, here's the crazy. retrospect yeah i can't live here you're too crazy so what happened when she did your charts Jupiter is lined up with Uranus, and this is a good time. and then they plot and think about, She could have Googled me. I think there is something to it. I was like, check when the moon Yeah, but that's supposed

1:06:55 I don't know how much of it was just an experience of good guessing or, you know. There's a bunch of effective techniques. that's it people find a reason for that r they findRogiglio, yes, that's it. People find a reason for that R. And then she kind of confessed to it at the end, but she admitted some stuff or gave them evidence along the lines. They actually used that in India to convict a woman of murder based on the results of a brain scan.

1:10:05 head during the um the media discussing finding out like if you're being charged with murder let's were, they're going to talk to you for a someone a memory and they can accept it as their own you can actually read it on a machine and There's a lot Having a billion people on your planet. they're right there looking at each other waiting for one old dude

1:12:31 I can actually see it. Yeah. They've been able to introduce memories in mice now. Remember the time? and me and you and so and so? People, they morph their memories to make them more convenient for their knowledge of the past, But they're going to use this machine. and you sent me a photo, That'll be like the first step. You can watch him shit. He's a fucking animal. If Carl's

1:15:21 for a movie, you know what I mean? Yeah, because your life Yeah, exactly. And you will become a million But you're talking about the next level. and gets famous for being a fat guy, They decide. There's a lot of fat people. and he eats subs. Carl's drunk life. He ate like three sandwiches. Just wasting their lives sitting there watching TV. smoke signals of digital entertainment one One day you're going to actually be that.

1:18:58 You just can't stream it the way you're talking about it. We need to. There's no way that would make me more happy what you need to do is contact Google Not easy enough for me to agree with you. Yeah. What she should do is take, she should start this. Some little fucking hole in the park, the brown bag dug two feet under a tree. They know it. or something high,

1:21:31 an 81 year old guy gets to bang 20 year olds they have to be crazy that's the only way it works and It's a part of the game. Yeah. to him but here's the deal if that's the truth then that makes it no longer a crime right because She's getting sued. a there's a social science thing to it and my thing is like there's a bunch of people here who That's what you get.

1:24:53 He's 81 years old. So it's against the law to record anyone. So their essence can be, like if you just put a happen to be a stripper whatever whatever i mean that's that combination is never gonna happen but Fucking space is interesting. is that he got rid of him the guy's a dickhead let's get rid of him but to say you're gonna you're gonna fine him

1:27:29 how they think that they can Yeah, I bet you're right. Yeah. if you're doing it right it should be staggering they should get a million bucks a month there's It shouldn't stand up. side and give her fucking Ferraris. That is just one of the many reasons why and you don't like it, that came from change what he bought you can't he bought it he bought her a fucking car he bought her a house

1:30:57 Then within days of that, she's seen with him defending him. the team to land in a lap or keep it but it's could be yeah you never fucking know yeah you like when it first, tapes came out, in this guy as a commissioner right and that he wanted to fix some shit and that he was doing it I felt like some honesty and integrity there. whole reason why basketball is popular is because the athletes are so fucking good do you understand

1:34:08 Out. so Donald Sterling makes these tapes. he looked like nosferatu and it looked like he should have he should have risen behind the podium shell everybody goes bananas the clippers are so corny they did this uh this protest thing before what the fuck is that? He said some facts. ...of a conversation that allegedly included Clippers owner Donald Sterling.

1:37:36 contrary to the principles of inclusion and respect that form the foundation of our diverse, multicultural, and multi-ethnic league. Is that what that was about? or the NBA. He will also be barred from attending NBA Board of Governors meetings Who cares? And they're going to sell it, and guess who makes the money? No. I can own it then. to come up with,

1:40:54 Yeah. Yeah, You know what the only problem with that is? Sell it to a charity and then rich guy buys it from the charity. Oh, there was special circumstances. We're giving it away. i don't know i think he's right i think he's right is that right i think he's right That's one of the black. Yeah the white And big thighs But. So apparently he was on the network talking about giving the inside scoop on gambling.

1:44:25 It was tough. and everything that he loved, the sport, you know, was taken from him. But if you say something that people think is a racist thing. That doesn't seem to have affected her as much. Are you sure that it's closed? Brian, abandon that for a moment and pull up Jeremy Clarkson fined for using the N-word Oh, he's an idiot. Jeremy Clarkson is one of the BBC's best-known and well-paid anchors.

1:47:09 And... is that what he said was that he did it three times. use it. So they'll go eeny, meeny, miny, moe. this might go back that far that might be where he actually got it from. slagging on mexicans in the worst way ever once they were just generally talking about uh making italian cars a bit flamboyant and quick mexican cars are just going to be a lazy, feckless, flat-chip-and-toe-toe.

1:50:21 It says you got the wrong one. That isn't enough. I'm sorry, but just imagine waking up That's why we're not going to get any complaints about this because the Mexican embassy, the Yeah. Jeremy Clarkson's hilarious. to cancel it they just said it was the number one show reality show in the world essentially jokes you know um uh anthony bourdain put a Tumblr blog entry recently, like yesterday, about Mexico.

1:53:17 and the most dedicated to to cooking and all these different things and he made this great point like And, I mean, just go all the way back to when the Aztecs were building these gigantic fucking pyramids here, these beautiful structures. Like, they look very different. It's just, you know, I think racism is like the main ingredient to it is insecurity.

1:55:13 And you know what else you see is a weird place? don't say you do what i do and they were like looking at each other like he was like saying quit his job? Oh, for real? Yeah. Right. He fucking hated it. He'd rather not work than be on a soap opera for a long time. He fucking hated it. A lot of people have made it from soap star to legitimate. Like, no, no, no, I'm about to break out.

1:57:41 Not the villain thing, but, like, when I went to Montreal the last time, Zex ran over you. good for me to see that and i was like that and a few other things is like all right i gotta figure You know what's really stupid about that? You become so much better as you get older as a comic that the young guys, like, man, when I was 21, I always say this.

1:59:37 You're too dumb. was crushing it. most 21-year-olds are dog shit. Well, I think they want to sell you like a symbol, you know, and it could be as a comedian too. And when he was 30, he wasn't doing so well. than ever right better now than ever and he's 50 and there's rock still going and still going and I need to see him too. I keep hearing that. He has nothing to do with show business.

2:02:25 laughing and then you realize how he's tying all these stories in together and you're like i'm So that's what I'm saying. Okay, check this out. Please tell me you want to go. It's next day. Yes. I've actually wanted to see Cosby? Fuck yeah. I'd love to see Cosby. Do you have the attention span? Yes. It's funny. and it's a night I have off. Is there any tickets available?

2:04:26 Right after Bill Cosby. Happy birthday, Curtis. birthday yeah that is ironic as fuck look at that oh shit that's so funny and then mencia I doubt he pays attention at all. I really need to see it because I keep hearing it, man. He goes, I felt like I was like an amateur when I watched that guy up there. You got to go, there's something that's going on here.

2:05:50 that were really funny And you see him, if this didn't live up to it. We went to see Dice, rather, at the Riviera, Oh, shit. Could you imagine if you did that in his room? They probably close in on those fucking people so quick. or what i was hearing before he was doing all these shows was that he would go and do like uh And I guess he's honest enough with himself to say, this is funny, this is not funny.

2:09:10 But it still sounds ballsy on a point that I'm definitely not at. pussy on the road yeah i mean he's still bill cosby imagine bill cosby man it's still nothing Give me the impression. I sound like Red Fox. Well, lookit. Yeah. It's a weird picture. stand-up? Has anyone ever done that before? still going I'm gonna do my act in the back if you don't burn alive please laugh

2:11:57 Has anybody ever used a laugh track while they're on stage? People are always accusing people of planting Now I'm sure that's happened you could hear the same way. i don't want to say this i guess don't say all right i want to say the show but but i guess When you start adding laughter to a comedy show, like a laugh track on a sitcom is okay for some reason.

2:14:00 If you want to know how stupid it is, watch one of those Disney shows. They hurt. don't give a fuck man like they don't trust they just don't trust like you know like make something I can't believe how bad it is. We were trying to figure it out. and people used to write in and say, People were worried about them. go out there and harass your kids yeah yeah well this but do you think that a show that's a dumb

2:17:38 Wah, wah. about Fear Factor It's just. that people go through watching people go through yeah what they're gonna go through to do it's just Clark? is you probably get your own mind as well to think, fuck, would I do this? like to live vicariously. first came on i said i'm gonna watch this shit tonight and laugh at how dumb this thing is That's why people like sports.

2:21:37 boring fucking things you could ever watch a person do left right left right no golf at least Right. Just a year from the tragic terrorist event, we got a pileup at the finish line. There's no story. There's no information that's new. There's no pictures. There's no metal. It's like, why? They made us, Yeah, how many regular people killed their man in between the time where Jodi Arias killed her man in a plane crash?

2:23:52 about how Manson is like the Bob Hope of serial killers. I get Charlie Chaplin. I'd beat the fuck out of Manson. He got Tex Watson to do all the murders and all those other squeaky from who tried to kill Gerald Ford. he's like mansion the guys are he goes no what do i have to do to get a little attention? I killed 60 fucking people. It's disrespectful.

2:25:19 What about me, bitch? Why are you fucking crazy? out because people are terrified by someone who could lead people astray. 100%. So they use this guy to condemn hippies, like the, you know, the suits. There was also a movie star, Sharon Tate. and he has all these crazy connections to that murder. Yeah, yeah. And he would go, what? I'm going to fucking track him down.

2:27:40 And they just get out and they shoot him. I mean, it depends on what city you're in, too. He was talking about the the level of violence that he saw and he said we're just cops shooting people and craziness and just rioting thing but i would imagine that a lot of them trip up because they're so amoral and so And he just had created in his own yeah he's just smart as fuck he kept his

2:30:53 I just asked him about that. But he was a weird cat. He was more into that than he was There used to be a dude who was an older guy. want you to hypnotize me and i just started laughing it's fucking true i couldn't believe it What if she's in the bathroom? Are you allowed to broadcast secretly when someone doesn't know? you're screwed socially yeah you're all condemned or whatever it's like well unless you don't say

2:33:56 He was 60 years old. How about not do it at all? What he was saying is, I did everything in my I did everything within my power. He can't. If it was a guy... That's on him. That shit ain't coming just from food Right. We're out of time here. That's what I'm saying, dude. It's coming out in June thanks Chase when in June It's called 100% Half-Ass. Shit. IanEdwardsComedian. Edwards comic. That's the only one. And what's your website? Shit.

2:37:13 You got a show? Yeah. That would be a great place for you to play every time you're in Vegas. That is squarespace.com and enter in the code word Joe. Go there, use the code word ROGAN, That's right. and