Joe Rogan Experience #500 — Doug Stanhope & Tom Rhodes Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! No, your cup doubles as a phone It was dog shit, fake orange juice. You know, generations of Americans drank that shit. Is Tang still around? They're like, bitch, where's your astronauts now? Wearing a diaper so she didn't have to stop. It seems like it's still around. Tang is sold in both Hmm. It's got 100% of your vitamin C.

2:55 This week, I've been bad, but I well fuck give me a cigarette because you're just getting like blasts and blasts of nicotine, like more nicotine than you would be getting from from the fucking opening acts. Once you say fuck it, It was once I went back, and I did shows in Atlanta, But like before and after. But I think they dropped that. Everyone's part of the performance.

5:33 The smoke would dance in the spotlight. I love him, but he smokes. to fucking smoke and suck it in. I don't know. Retirement? you smoke so yeah fuck up no no i do that too. I mean, me. You got every candy, Jolly Rancher candy, weed, York Peppermint Patties, anything you can think of, they've duplicated exactly like candy or popsicles. They're so powerful that

8:08 Yeah, I mean, they're insane. Say you already have a preexisting condition, a mental illness, say. and it takes you 24 hours to come out of said can of tonic state? you gotta be careful with that shit And now they can get you. Hot cookies? Tang, what about Tang again? Oh, see, I always assumed those were e-cigarettes that everyone has. eating it when you're eating it yeah no I know but it's just 11 all the different varieties oh

11:12 Where you have to read that. It's funny. It's opposite. Anyway, fucking fell in love with the guy. does i'm trying to make a drink i mean he doesn't smoke weed but if he did he wouldn't do it on Oh did you have Bourdain on the show He's following me. Yeah, we're going to. Because we were on Sirius. Yeah, yeah. But maybe it's like, but I know, but maybe.

14:44 It's really, really good stuff, man. I'd always want to run home and write. And he was just, he would just show up, It was 100% new. It was like a new hour. diaz has i mean i don't i don't want to give up any of his material but he's got this bit about a hooker The dude with the wig Lisa Snorbus He's my all-time favorite. when Diaz would just go vanish in the middle of the night.

18:10 Diaz is, and now he's super reliable. he's enjoying being a comic like when i talked to him about he's got a lot of other success like and I've taken some of his openings And for a guy like that to finally get that, you know, dude, I just take you on the road. If I could hire a 24-hour nurse to keep him alive, I would. A guy like that, you got to take care of in a gentle fashion.

19:54 Just throw it in his food. It's called Reginokine. What the fuck? It was no. You fucker. No, it was true. Well, it's not your blood re-injected. It's called Reginokine. Reginokine.com. I'll do the ad while you look it up. Oh, Douglas. It's called alcoholism, and it works on my penis. I said Weller. How about that? They heat it. any kind of swelling, inflammation

22:04 It's crazy. Yeah, Sean, Jesus Christ, he's got the most crippling arthritis. This story just lost all credibility. Jason's got a lot of tats. He's always making He had left earlier. in story editing. the kind of taxi driver newsstand guy hat on. He said that to Faberman? I don't know what the kid's name, but oh my God. Faberman has a story about fucking this maid.

24:49 I don't know. Like, ever. Like, he really did it. He said, the only guy ever to get caught beating off and fucking a maid. Like ever. It wasn't no prize. He doesn't. He's a good dude, though. And Don Barris. I hung out with Faberman, Joey Diaz, and Ralphie May the day 9-11 happened. And then we went over to Ralphie's place. Actually, you know what?

26:52 Faberman had some good weed. It was the day headed to LA? What if we see LA zoo in Amsterdam is feeding time. and they start pacing would have run for the hills knowing 9-11 Baja Fresh supports our troops. Jalapenos? that's not good. They're both going to get fucked up. I know too much about brain damage. Yeah. You should get that shit fixed It's pretty intense

30:13 I showed it to Kreischer on his podcast. like I was doing sit-ups. and Bingo looked down and you're like what the fuck you'd have to address it. I just got health insurance under the deadline. Yeah. Has that ever happened before? Great room. My brother was at the game, and I texted my brother. Oh my God. It's probably a good move. with your parents like I promised when I was drunk.

34:33 And you're in perfect Europe. It's not a good move. There's a lot of guys that, like, wind up, not jiu-jitsu. Getting hit is a completely different story, though. then I had my nose opened up So it was a big deal. I've only had four surgeries. Can they fix it? You've gotten into Regina Kane from some Nazi doctor. what I do, the risks making money? Do you think Obamacare will take care of it?

38:10 Dogecoin. Yeah. building the wells and shit. Because the guy's living in the Congo. maximum amount cuz you don't have to be like I don't know if it's more than 50 It totally varies from day to day. Andreas Antonopoulos Which I don't understand. could, it's like, we all agree we'd still figure out what's worth what. You know, that's what we would do.

41:14 it's already established. biggest bitcoin sites in the world like what the fuck like magic and didn't have the right security We're seeing an alternative to dollars. Hey, I'll put you on the on my strategy So the knowledge of it, the reason why I keep talking about it over and over again is the knowledge is not sinking in. Okay, if you can make it stupid for me like a kid, okay, honey, imagine if you had two

43:30 But it's important to do both. argue with you about. Right. Come on. deserted cities and it's so creepy because all these houses have nothing. that scares the fuck out of me will kill you first. That's real. I won't go in the water. Yeah. It was in a river. Well, that's just more. saw a song the other day that was talking about Steven Root. the man of constant sorrow

46:55 Let's just say yes. Fucking nothing's going on in his career. Yeah. to have one more. The Grinch stole Christmas. Did you watch the latest Batman? I'm done with Batman. It's too bad that happened. Serious business. If I watch that movie, I'll kind of get weirded out. I could see why the man was traumatized. like arguing the logical How dare you? I know it doesn't make

49:48 And it was the lamest. Captain America would be getting his ass whooped and his black friend the Falcon. Alright, I'm out. Captain America You're good. He was a black guy. I was the Roger of my social circle. You can enjoy that. And I've come close to watching it a few times, but I always think, I don't want to fucking see it. Yeah. No, Heath Ledger wasn't around when he was already dead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was the one. Heath Ledger was the Joker.

51:54 Tom Rhodes, you became my grandpa. dated it is. Was Heath Ledger in the new Knight Rises. Yeah, so May. If Malaysian planes went down You're putting out an odd vibe. It's too scary. We're on the Opie and Anthony show. After, quickly, after Kreischer Jeff Tate. Go ahead. Ha, ha, ha. He would do these little clips of stupid shit that was happening. I assumed that was your network.

55:18 I don't know. All that means is that you are joining up with a bunch of other people. is joined with Burt Kreischer's podcast, No. okay, now I guess time whoever he is all the time you should have a guy that just turns the mic on it's so easy for by myself. That's amazing that he does for an hour. where I really have all new shit, too much new shit, about to do a DVD, whatever.

57:39 other than the audience? and I have to say it out loud before I go on stage. loud. up shit that's going on in the world, fascinating things. And if I'm talking too much, one of you will roll your eyes at me and I'll shut up and let the other guy talk. you kind of catch this wave of creativity. um, don't you don't have any preparation whatsoever the audience yells out subjects and in yelling out

1:00:17 They give you the ideas. But it's different in that Yeah, like whenever you see, They go, okay, give us a word. And if they do say silent movies, you know, every fucking 45th show, you abandon the porn reference. You go, silent movies. They all say porn. And if they do say silent movies, you know, every fucking 45th show, Here's a silent porn. People would go,

1:01:23 he's coming up with the same shit I'm watching from backstage. rapper and i'm like how are you getting this he was getting so fucking lucky with the easiest Whoever came up with that fucking name. We have comedy night with a K on Tuesday at the fucking, the Clam House with a K. Cocktail. Shitty vodka. Is that ours? Little plug. What is it? Shitty vodka.

1:03:59 I'd step all over my closer if I told you. taste tests. It didn't work for Sunday morning suite. coffee. They fucked up with that Reese's commercial because if you take Yeah, Brian brought me some dark chocolate bars. Yeah. God damn, this is the best thing ever. No. Today's Tom Sawyer. The Purple Onion's now like an Italian restaurant. I just did lines.

1:07:33 I remember this. It made it to television. that's beautiful it's an interface He looks nothing like me. This guy's the worst. Well, I'm a walking shot. We know you were hungover as fuck. It could have been anybody. So that bar still exists. But they went through, and Brendan Walsh did a whole interview as me. I've done that a lot. but somebody opened up their drawer

1:12:01 I've peed in the corner of a lot of hotel rooms. wake up that I did that and didn't know I did that. on the door. My girlfriend bathroom, walking out naked No, I don't have identification. If you do like a 20-year He went into is people don't question your intentions. People get so drunk. out there in the world that are drinking. You know? I hadn't eaten.

1:14:59 I'm not saying you, Tom Rhodes. you suck my dick as a pre-check. Do you have the updated software? But getting blown in a hotel hallway by a front desk man, that's universal. What's that about? You're not going to make it all make sense? I can't remember the name. Yeah, I'm not into that. No, no, you don't. Yeah, just say the next act. You're trying to pretend it's more prestigious by calling it a feature.

1:17:52 The only point was in the UK they tend to do that. Right, but in clubs in England, usually a lot of times the best comedian is the host. He's David Letterman. They did that all the time. Well, we need to change We do. I'm talking about the United States. people are going to see comedy and not we ever get really comic. You don't need three. a packed crowd that paid money,

1:20:43 That's different. There was nothing. You know, you just develop the ability to get out of the gate strong. Move the middle guy to the There's a big difference between getting buried by like, if you have Dia and then after Diaz, you have a guy who's just starting out. But Joey also knows you. That's the guy. Some guy would go up, he was the wrong He'd go up with his jokes.

1:23:36 I'd make Brian Hennigan, my manager, or Chaley go up and just say anything if there was no opening act. You don't necessarily need those. It's awkward Okay, turn off your cell phone. not deviate from the path. Hey, rap guys, MC I'm not about that, Doug Stanhope. starting out when you get those emails like how the same thing, What? starting out though you know you started out in what 90 yeah it's 88 84 baby know, it was just like a dream of being able to get paid to do comedy.

1:26:52 Wow, you just gave me money for this? Warren McDonald had a brother that was, he would do the- And I worked for him. But you lived in Worcester. you went back and did gigs there right? I sucked Was it a Bigger Stitches or was it the really tiny place Commonwealth Ave. Zarex? And then he burst into song and had the theme song, which I didn't even know.

1:29:31 No, I died. It's like I said, it's stuff you put in your drink. That Little Stitches was the little dark room that was next to Zarex. Your first set wasn't good? That'd be great. Yeah. I would try and record funny things. I didn't try to do that, but I tried to do stand-up in it. There was this very distinct stages in the beginning of your comedy. That's a funny thing and I built

1:32:15 I used a prop on my first open mic, and I didn't realize it was racist. With a fucking He was picking cotton It was open mic nature. By the way, I'm white. Something wasn't racist? There's a bunch of white people. Where are all the white women at? Oh, my God. Is your re-throat... Yep. Hop. Hip-a-do-do-hip-a-do. Sorry. All right. He had big lips around his penis. His urethra.

1:34:34 I had to make it unfunny so you could get through your story. I want to hear the story. Yeah. I'll tell you my first racist thing. And, like, I made an art class, like, you know, with, like, black markers. It was, I was 17. No, it's the regular street sign. In art class. Oh, those... They're running, and the mom's holding the kid's hand. People seeking a better life.

1:36:43 Where's Bingo? people that are fucking decent What? to kick in the house. The idea is ridiculous. by getting to a better place? if you're not that, then the idea of borders and it's right along the border. all i mean they got that drug related which has nothing to do with immigration. And there's people that live in poverty where the places where they live are some of the richest places in the fucking world.

1:40:24 has somehow or another acquired the rights It's nothing but a lack of humanity. it's been proven that when you get people into an industrialized setting, like that you know per statistic so it's it's not that these people are everyone's fucking too much So poverty is thriving. But once they start doing that, the number of babies they have actually drops.

1:43:10 Detroit. Detroit is fucking half empty There's definitely more people. This idea that our problem is overpopulation. evil cunts that have shit tons of money and weapons. That's the number one problem. should all, and it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with not doing it. There ain't anything and their refineries getting taken hostage. Here he goes, throwing his intellect at her. You can keep up with game of thrones i got through half of the premiere episode i go uh this

1:45:41 That guy is Zizek. with that movie They Live Yeah, he came up on stage. We had no idea. Ari Shafir got body slammed by Roddy, Roddy Piper. Did I miss the end of Zizek? Yeah. nice person. you know, I don't want you to do this. It's from the Ghetto Boys. That's Rowdy Roddy Piper banging Ari Shaffir's head off the piano. Oh, yeah. That they used to beat the fuck out of each other.

1:49:11 And we were saying that they Like, I know you don't want to clean toilets Are you cool with that? He goes, well, Louis Thoreau once said, what? all over himself after thinking they're laughing about it. a lot of comedians in the 80s. No. Still. through his motel blinds. That was the guy that died. where everyone's making $5,000 a week he was fucking huge.

1:52:23 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, Mark Price. What was the show? Did you jerk off while you were? Did you tell all your friends? This story takes about three minutes. So we played it and Justine Bateman showed up after that email and I'm all excited. She's been there. Good time to take a piss, Tom Rhodes. They have pizza on one of those trays But she's drinking vodka at the same rate you would drink beer.

1:55:06 I'll eat it. Shawcroft wakes up from her blackout going, Oh, my God, did I make an asshole out of myself in front of that Justine Bateman? I'm not supposed to eat carbs? What show was she on? Family Ties. Family Ties. Michael J. Fox? good on Justine Bateman. Good for her. What show is she on? What? Again, I've done four podcasts in 24 hours, basically, or 36.

1:57:16 He's really good. like a local guy or a guy that won a local contest, He's legit. I don't know anyone. And this woman was beating this guy with a belt, and I was thinking, oh, my God, I can't believe she's got to follow this. She's really funny. That's why their podcast is fun. Funny. Well, I love it, though. It doesn't... Come on. who is hot enough for you to think was funny.

2:00:14 Well, what about if Richard Pryor did where you went up there and oh you didn't see the one where I ate shit the And I sat in the back listening to all these Christians speak. The mayor of Bisbee? listening to a bunch of speakers. of churches that were going to show up with a dead hooker in my trunk. fuck you yeah i met yeah the mayor's cool i met her i've been at your house why would you panic

2:03:36 It was the dream that you have where you don't know what the fuck you're doing on stage and That's what I thought Hey, listen, we're having a party You know what? I could win. How much do you think their houses are worth? Let's say there's 500 people at the show. city politics in Bisbee trapped with a bunch of people. The great mayor is great. Stanhope's doing coke. They sell their house.

2:07:10 Bisbee, Arizona, visit me, much less Everyone's known about the cave house. By involuntary disclosure, you fucked up my cave house dreams. Have you seen Windy City Heat? Okay. You know, it's like a reverse blockbusting. Yeah, Gentrify Bisbee in communist lettering. You need shit around you. You can't live up there if you're pregnant. I'm not downing you.

2:09:58 Like, just stay with me. to the Staples Center a couple years ago I showed him the ticket, and I started talking to the guy. Did you get the tickets Fucking lazy bitch. Yeah, on that racist bit headlining? We're going to go see Bill Cosby if you want to go. I heard it from Ian Edwards. go see Bill Cosby, man. He's like 80 years old. What the fuck am I going to get out of this?

2:12:31 Then it goes deeper and deeper. Apparently He doesn't work it out at all. something, something. about how they're ruining is not to connect him to the art form that I appreciate. so it looks like he said that I I'm not in support of anything that Donald Sterling or Bill Cosby said, You have to buy him a Bentley and a Ferrari. How much a billion dollars

2:14:55 Where you're so desperate He said some racial shit to make her feel uncomfortable Did you see that? He's not a fucking Well, apparently he's got... Well, apparently, here's the deal. Feed him. Go in there and fucking a black guy. You know that, right? and I said it's okay saying you can fuck other black guys You don't fuck black girls and you don't say it's okay to fuck other black guys as long

2:17:59 No, well, that's the whole reason why the whole recording was being done in the first place. Sterling thinks... I think it's a sad state. being let off fucking death row a gun and that's not blowing up we're paying attention to this guy the things that he said, I heard that he lent Jerry West the money to buy the Lakers. He was 60 when the internet came out.

2:20:27 He's an old billionaire who wanted to get his dick sucked by some crazy bitch, so he talked a lot of shit. It's very Orwellian. I think there's not going to be any secrets. I think the idea... I think I'm going to thoughts. I think there's not going to be any secrets. have now is not backed by gold. That's what it is. It never has. in your own fucking mind.

2:22:37 It's not the... This is just indicative of some greater trend that's going on. The very world that you interface with is a completely different world now. NSA has collected all your emails. in trouble too. I mean, the guy who once. You shot a fucking dozen like the Donald Sterlings, yeah, well, look at it like a scientific observation. the idea of justice. He doesn't

2:25:04 I do if I was an old crazy guy like Donald Sterling or Mel Gibson? Facebook about you. It's no longer TMZ about some celebrity. Now you're finding out the truth about There's no getting around it, man. They're working on that. before that happens what if they come up and they're actually It might be something it could do with anybody. They get older.

2:28:09 a glove or are you just going raw dog? I find my prostate. No. It's like there's a bunch of different points to this whole thing. You're absolutely owns a bunch of black people. No, they have massive amounts of outrage I go, I want to buy the L.A. Clippers, but I don't have the money, it's a chris rock bit plantation a chris the chris rock bit was uh there's a difference between rich

2:30:42 It's so decadent. of some ridiculous thing that they should have never had It happens on every level of society. Yeah, but that's like a friendship thing. He's nothing compared to the same way you bring openers in case Joey Diaz Hang on. Someone else make that make Oh, I see. I should have been Joey Diaz the whole time. That's not helping him. I was talking to somebody a couple weeks ago

2:33:47 Who the fuck do you talk to that does that? I might be off by a million. Or V Stiviano cares and her her name's Vanessa. Stop saying V. She's a nice girl who has something to offer. It's not a scam. Listen, in my opinion, it's a noble He's an 81-year-old bag of meat. If it was George Clooney, His body's ready to tap the fuck out. what he's doing either. Both of them are doing

2:36:34 She let it out. says, I'm Mr. Sterling's right Are you saying you did not look at that chick for a fraction of a second and sum her up completely, Everybody was like, hmm. Yes, I 100% agree. after the fact. Who knows what the fuck their relationship is. Yeah, it's the three-marked card bunch. We're doing our job to point out Buy that cave house in Bisbee so I don't.

2:39:08 Call it the Mushroom Palace. I have to, but you... Just fucking, you know, somebody we know becomes mayor and work something out. I told you three of them about how great Bisbee is. every year. That's what I'm talking about. Jake LaMotta as mayor or is that a fake Johnny Depp? Is that a real Johnny Depp? All the fucking vultures follow you. I like the idea.

2:41:28 and I've been kind of away from them for 10 years, Right. On the sneak tip? I saw you at the improv and Steve Byrne was there also. That Saturday night, you were plastered, and then you left, and then I was talking to him, And the role is a part. And... You gentlemen were the part of the 500th. My only friend. Maybe we'll be on the same flight. I go through Hawaii and I just

2:44:18 Well, Eddie Ift is there that night. This Saturday coming up? Happy to be there. I said that about both of you recently on a podcast. Said all I had to do was give him free tickets for life Boiseado. That's the shamanic center. We started out in a living room just fucking around with a laptop, Use the code word Rogan. Doug Stanhope, ladies and gentlemen.

2:47:01 Just once. We love the fuck out of you. and Sarah Tiana. Good pool player.