Joe Rogan Experience #50001 — John Heffron, Ari Shaffir Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Tell me what we're gonna do right before we do it. I'm gonna say here we go. Huh? I didn't know. Who the fuck was the first? I think he does a lot of shows and they sell out and stuff like that. But I don't fall on anybody for that. That was when That was a fucked up story And you know Come here, Spaz. He's not doing more Buddy Hackett voices. They all did each other's jokes.

3:29 them, you know. You know what's funny is well anyway while he was yelling at me there was a part of me that wanted to go shut the television so everyone's gonna see this guy's material they're right he was Well, it probably helps you. It's great if a guy jumps in front of you with six boards. When I was a kid, That's awesome. So this kind of just trains your brain to maybe take the best, it gives you options

7:03 and what it would feel like once you accomplish those and it kind of lets your brain know this is the way I stand-ups you can get in people don't realize it's not well you travel with Oh, it's going to wreck that thing. I'd ask her out. Yeah. Yeah, but who cares if there's a lag? Yeah. John Heffron, not only is he a stand-up comedian, he also hosted the MMA Awards this year, which

9:55 Let's talk. Shoot this guy? if you press refresh, your sound and video should sync up. Lame... It was a highlighted clip show. Like, I'm always talking about Fedor, and I'm always talking about Aoki, and all these different guys who fight Alistair Overeem, and different guys who fight in other organizations. I tweeted this. The guy fought his ass off.

13:03 when it's that close, I would much rather have a draw. I think if you looked at it on paper, you could say, well, maybe you could give the first round 10-8. Or if guys feel out each other. You know people expect like hockey fight sometimes where just erupts immediately they walk out they go toe-to-toe and start And these guys, they're too busy. I'm going to stand you up.

15:03 Just letting that person just with their weight stand up. The only way you should get up is if you got up. And if you can't, it's five minutes of him punching you in the face. Believe me, what's going to decide your career is going to be fans and whether fans That's how it's supposed to work. and that would certainly be fucking crazy, but unless you're Musashi, you know, what's going to happen?

17:14 and that fucking tag team jiu-jitsu. awesome idea to all those fans? Well, wrestling's fake. I mean, basically, the evolution is Image is combing his hair. He was a great guy. And there was a thing, So then you'd have to worry about throwing a punch back in heaven. and faster. of, there's a couple to make them sleek and run fast. They've engineered mice so that these mice have this myostatin

20:19 happen, man. I'm gonna Sylvester Stallone it. I mean, you see that new Microsoft Yeah, it's like those like those bracelets as old metal bracelets And stuff for like soldiers Stabbed straight on you know with a knife You can get through Kevlar can be stabbed straight on, you know, but it's not that Yeah, That's what I think you can't breathe the Pakistan right now.

22:49 they're going to move in a crazier and crazier direction. You know, they were trying to have it so that they have satellites that can shoot down missiles from space. Google it, anybody On a side note, on all the conspiracy Hmm. Wikipedia has a little page on it. died under mysterious circumstances. out of the vending machine. Who knows? Well, the Reagan administration was famous for a bunch of secret shit that was going on. This is Reagan introducing Star Wars, his announcement of what it was back in the day.

25:23 Don't put that up. But apparently it was never functional. Hitman, and you find out the shit and on about September 11th. Like, If they're willing to do that, you don't think they're willing It's all completely ridiculous. Oh, how do you know what I know? I forgot what he said. I might have said it. There's no such thing The Gulf of Tonkin incident is

28:42 were going to plan attacks on American These are real. Cigarettes kill 400,000 people a year in this country alone, every fucking year. But they bring in... I just watched a thing where they bring in cocaine into the U.S. was murdered. Yeah, and it didn't even fucking make the news, man. because there were two black dudes alimony how's he gonna do it and that would be big news whereas people wouldn't give a fuck about

32:14 that human beings have created global warming. people rush limbo or whoever on the radio saying that there's no connection that you're these No one's doing this. Johnny Bananas. Well, that's because there's a surplus of men. chemicals affect men more. Like they found your guy, that one guy goes, More sperm? Huh? Because we're jerking off your dad didn't jerk off that much you didn't have to jerk off with i bet it's very much more difficult for your dad to be or your dad's excessive about

35:30 I bet it's down. There's way more people now. So there's way more people now there's way more people now the Japanese believe that's why they're in video news and you squint you can see this stuff and then I find myself kind of European porn and the dirty movies You could almost line through them and you'd see like a tit. Yeah. That's the thing? He's like, someone's been watching my shit.

37:57 like movies at my birthday party yeah do you think the cia had a hand in Gary Webb's death? I don't know the story behind Gary Webb's death. What if they call it iTab? I've owned, stuff about the CIA and the I guess, yeah. Yeah. That's interesting. What's some domain names that you buy? I'll think of something usually when i'm really stoned That makes sense.

41:03 dresses and stuff like that. And the first thing that Hold on a second. So the company that Holy shit. And if you go online, It doesn't matter. sue a company recently and it was just it ended up being just so much money that you had to go, Yeah, it seems like there'd be some kind of libel or something. What was I even talking about? Well, Ari Shafir

43:29 Of some type And we're in the media room right now and Where are you at this weekend? Whenever I put a blog up, I'll throw it nine out of ten times. There's a fan page. I have a fan page. And there's something else that you don't have to be a fan to see the dates. You see, there's two different things. Facebook's really confusing. There's a fan page.

44:57 Facebook's so annoying with this. Pillows are blessings. So you'll go to your thing I don't want anybody You know? is on my, Yeah, right, and go right to that photo even if it's private. of, people are seeing a lot of people's identity and they're pretending to be chicks online, Like, how the fuck do you not know? Follow Jon Heffron. But then I realize everybody's following a lot of people, so it's not that annoying.

47:46 is the most popular person. The young people with Twitter don't give a fuck about Larry King, No, I think he's like, yeah, 30. Maybe he's such Bruce Willis' dick. Yeah. We hang out and party. Shut the fuck up. Every single one of them. I know, but I'm trying to... Okay, all the diehards. That was a good movie. His cheap-ass car probably didn't make it.

50:33 It just, I wasn't set up for that. These bitches know what time it is. Last month I got tapped one, two, three times. But then the first roll, you have full energy. And if you get tapped, I get tapped shit. When you get tapped, you got to go, okay, was gonna go and I was like you motherfucker I'm like how'd you get that Look at this. Yeah, it's not too sexual.

53:41 Oh. that gate, He's not going to do anything. What's going on? the kid is all fucked up wait they're saying What are the positive effects? He's real smart. We'll bring him in after the break. We'll be back. What's up? and he would just instantly just bolt off and go and hit another child in the face. We were so scared. We were like, okay, he's getting more dangerous.

58:05 It's just very calming. as hash. This ball represents roughly four months of doses for Sam. So I just take my lighter. Steve it's just like it just went away. Yeah. But recently, I've been sharing the story with more and more people, friends and coworkers. needs more research before we can confidently say that marijuana is a safe if we'd ever see that again. It just feels

1:01:09 well one important note sam's parents tell us that they have followed the letter of the law it really has changed his behavior go to our website and how he was just so... The fight medical marijuana. the state of mind There are drugs I don't know. You have to ask him. There's so much proof that it's not addictive. it doesn't mean you shouldn't have the things

1:03:39 there's like you've got to get on crystal meth