Joe Rogan Experience #50002 — John Heffron, Ari Shaffir Transcript

Transcript

0:00 And then he realized that his friends were telling... The man apparently was just fucking our ass. And he would smoke. He would pass it What about Sean Rouse? That's the negative side effect of everything for everybody. I see it in front of me, Brian. This is difficult to figure all this stupid shit out. You don't have to look at it. What's the matter, Brian?

2:26 it's like a big deal you know and every one of those shows I said two words. It's like if you're on Chelsea Handler's show. Bing bang. See this guy real quick. But then people go, oh, you were great on the show. But that's what they want. They want a short attention span, bing bang, see this guy real so they don't lose interest. But at the end of the

3:32 I mean, how many times have you seen a YouTube clip is totally different than something like this. I like watching fucking Soulja Boy. Do you see that video? Just not, put the subtitles He's got diamonds all over his body talking about how much money he has, and how pretty he is. The next Twitter is going to be able to show people what you're thinking and watching. Yeah, that's next, dude. That's going to be the next Twitter. The next Twitter is, you're going to be able to show people

5:18 Somehow my brain got from there got there. and I go on porn rides too and then you're typing stuff and then how did I get to the next one girls that work at Kinko's that... You don't have to pay. And maybe because I'm older, We can see it! I have to have it fake. I mean, look at these porn sites. Yeah. oh yeah, yeah, Are you a voyeur, Brian? She's fucking it.

8:06 You like that? She was like, hit me. It was so fucking awesome. How bad did you hurt her face? Fuck her face she took it i don't know did you believe didn't open But so is It was with two girls she said it as a joke. when they left. so that girl would talk to that person amount so they're trying to take from you so there's a lot of people don't Yeah.

10:56 And they don't need to do that. And go after them. There's a lot of people that like it. But when, I'll be at the Ivy. Come meet me out front. Right, and go after them. like Dr. Drew. and I've met him a bunch of times. Because a kiss loot. the kiss? In other pictures, he's got the best head of hair ever. of people that are on TV yet every one of them wants to be so famous and is

13:01 He's got a billion dollars fuck him like some woman actually said this on the Jimmy Kimmel show. on a bed full of money. put people, Like, She was like a childhood, not childhood star, this girl would send looking for houses, and then she came back because she was showing up But it was... Yeah, yeah, no. Now, I had a stack of papers this big of her saying...

15:16 Well, no. No. That's what the guy before said. then come out to California, doesn't mean anything. Hey, Yeah. like do anything because they like and Brittany Murphy's mom four weeks like it was so gross current gossip or something like that she's showering Well isn't it kind of weird He doesn't look Jewish. That makes it easy to murder you guys. Yeah, but you.

18:27 He rear naked choked himself to death. Heart disease where the kids should know they should get treated for it. Congenital, I think. Congen like a congenitive, is that a word? Heart disease, where the kids should know what the cause of death is. this is depressing change the topic hey do you guys like cats what do you think and you can go out to dinner, but you don't want to get crazy.

19:48 in Hollywood, you degenerates, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, hey, yeah, that's me, everybody. How are you? Ah! He's a giant movie star. It's awesome. It's really crazy. He was talking about friends, you know, like his acquaintances, that he has a very varied

21:24 It overcomes the natural order of and with his ability to pretend it You know? fresh product ladies and gentlemen he's hilarious it's not quite color the color you picked out if you're ever at the comedy store in LA, goes down in the news. but you laugh at again it wasn't we were closed Tuesday call him and said by default his take on it would be so fucked up.

23:48 and Stan Hope said but they're not heroes now. cop was below me three days after this chick drowned her kids. He goes, kids. That's one of the him like off stage like he's not a dark guy at all he's very nice he used to always go get me So nice. Because you got mad at him? right after we've always done for free. So when it came time to do their taxes, i had to donate all that money back to them and i paid for the sound system i mean i treated that place like it was our

26:29 because I'll do it all for your mom I think his brother gave up. Wow, that's so great. I think I've been here Yeah, the improv. You got called? Because you talk about guns. That means you want Oh my god. children that are like that. What's the to fuck the ass. I don't think he did. and he grew up as a baby him without makeup yeah not little rumors if you're tired got his name

29:48 That guy's an idiot. there's there's some shit going into people's bodies if you can think of it did you see the You've got to see it. So what, man? We're on two hours, 15 minutes. I just looked at four or five and was like, It's Techie now. Techie? In mysticism, So, whatever. If he knows... what's that noise? from across the room, nice normal guy haircut today brian by the way what this is the most normal dude i've ever seen

33:15 What's that music? Post-publicity. What is that? Oh, that's the guy's balls. Oh it's real cocky. It's funny. I can't watch. Look at that. you like it here what this is saying? is way, way, way better than But you know what? And so I would have to sort of squat over the ball, you know. Look at this. He's challenging your perceptions, Ari. What's going on there?

37:50 Is there? How smelly is your pussy? a barbell in the pussy I'll say that instead. yeah yeah dress it up a little bit that'd be a good one no and just punch like a really high dose You had girls? and ecstasy and they see if you get hard. Yeah, you your back. They give you Viagra and ecstasy. Challenge match. there's no way I heard Bobby Kelly talking about this on Tuesday

40:33 no, I'm not. when some guy's touching you, when I think about fucking girls Yeah. And then he keeps going after you. Could you imagine someone Get me away. they get crazy. calm down. and he would get aggressive. He was a cunt. And we were. Really flamboyantly gay and he would get aggressive. I think was one of them. And I'm like, I mean, think about how hard it is for a straight guy to get laid. And then think about how hard it is for a gay guy to get laid.

42:29 You know? You've got to pound on walls. but they didn't know. The ones who grew up in New York and L.A., obviously they knew about gays. So the ones people grew up in small towns had never seen they just thought they were weird feelings they didn't know the ones who grew up in New York and I like And he goes, yeah, man, fuck that, man. I go, what? Like, I'll never go there again.

44:01 And it happened over that year? was he coming Did you ever come close I thought of it. And then this guy started laughing. 105? who's 105 pounds when were you thinking for college. I really want to fight jets. And you were helping people. went after Rambo. are as bad asses anyone else you know the dude I do jujitsu with and he was in they can bring you back

46:17 you gotta go to there's a lot of dudes like Pat Till there because they think they're doing the right thing. People had that theory. of how fucked up things are I did a show as fuck right now would you be enlisted there? So like the older guys is like... What's the difference? Joining the military for the last decade You're never going to go to war again.

48:33 And I was like, holy shit. At the time, everybody was like, there's going to be a draft. it was the opening night of some play some high school play and somebody came in like the play And I was like, what? When I saw that shit on TV, I was like, what? You can say you're happy to be an American and shit and you believe in democracy and I'm a Republican.

50:33 on this part? He just got called up again. Yeah. I'm just rewarding him. because they assume nobody heard them? That means you're trying to make this joke this guy says all the branches other than the army are Yes, these people tell us. Wow. George Bush hates but now he's on TV has evolved do something stupid You don't do that! so weak. Yeah, that's what I thought it was.

53:54 Mike Myers? why is this guy in here? So you hate Michael Myers? but it's an Indian that was a great movie they can't leave We're done at 5. Soulja Boy. Yes. from Crocodile Hunter from Crocodile Dundee. Just build a Hollywood? and then no other movies You're the crocodile guy. MacGyver? They're making a movie. worse than bad comedy because at least bad drama is hilarious you know bad drama like showgirls

56:55 favorite pastimes. He's so dumb. we got driven there was like but he really wasn't I guarantee you he loves the cock. is long being cock mouth and he said Like, he's got all these different... They take blindside hits all the time. you got some brain damage, son. Oh, Kurt Warner, who threw an interception, went to make a tackle, That happens a lot.

59:38 but he said it was And then I went to the other knee, are you sure you're okay? Yeah, everything's fine. I'm just gonna like, okay and I was like yeah yeah I'm good and then I went to the other okay yeah I think fine I'm Wow. Well, there's no football players that said they don't remember. and choking him out. that was a fucking awesome fight. He goes, no, man,

1:01:06 and you did the BJ pen. That's crazy. Was that against Dan? Cole Miller against Dan Lozon. Yeah. He got dropped. And he was like, oh, no, I don't remember this at all. Was that against Dan Lozon? Like, his reaction was so real. what round it was he missed two rounds he thought it was You know, just random nerves just randomly thrown. Literally, I go, let's go 40% because I got some.

1:02:58 So then I throw a kick, but I'm throwing a kick at 40%, which means any little kick could grab that kick. because the worst thing that's going to happen to me pull it back and snap it. You've got to worry about The most you'll get is bruises all over your fucking than, hey, Like, when I went to No one getting crazy. carries that friendly, that he started talking

1:05:04 he spent the first five How often do you do, Gets you thinking about it. and then. and then try to do your act I was like to break the armbar that was called the Silverado. But it was like one of my favorite moves. No one's done it. I think Aoki is like a, up towards his chest Right, right, yeah. Whenever we do those drills and it's those cranks, I always pretend like we have an odd number of people in the class

1:07:33 It's such a small difference between fine and serious pain. well, the Peruvian is pretty badass too. Such a powerful move like that. In their time? Oh, okay. True, yeah. That was good. Brian? I was just thinking of Japanese people and I'm like have I ever seen a Japanese guy wear anything? No time. Japanese video game? seen on the internet. bicycle and they're riding down the road and they're getting chased and i mean it is one of

1:09:20 you have different levels one the girl wears it all day that the primo. She doesn't change her panties all day. And then have used panties inside that. I'm making fanny packs. And then have oh you want a airport. You can get a little Well, that'd be a little bit of a thing. This is actually funny. Jon Heffron, Heffron with two F's. Thanks for watching