Joe Rogan Experience #507 — Bert Kreischer Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! My second alarm didn't go off. and that's fucking fascinating. It's fascinating. I want to be a Red Band. He's a, an odd fella. She comes over to my house. Stanhope and I just met I'm out of Burr's house And get beer for Stanhope And you can hang out with him She's like I'm not hanging out With early. Okay. So I told my wife, I go, I'm going to go run and get beer for Stanhope,

2:18 He is a very real person. Okay. But Doug is such a real fucking person. Maybe it's I've known Doug for so long. One of the things that's a real problem with that kind of edgy comedy, but he thinks it's going to be funny if he's just edgy, I always describe that two stages of the comedy, Can I use a hammer? Dude, I brought up a hammer in Fort Lauderdale and the audience killed me.

5:13 Attell likes the hammer. Where comics will say obscure shit just to make their comedian friends go, ha, ha, ha. an example. I remember the line and I weren't like good friends at all, but oh, look at her. She's Like get the joke. whoa because now it's like The joke was, oh, look at her. Lisa Lampanella and I don't get along. Uh-huh. He just, he'll trust me.

8:25 She was like, he either leaves or I leave. And I was like, and, then I don't do the show. And he's like, well, he's my friend. I'm not going to ask him to fucking leave. She was like, he either leaves or I leave. But like probably nine years ago, seven years ago. And gold rings all over her hands. It wasn't a thought-out act like she has. that's wild maybe she takes so much shit or took so much shit from comedians though that she just

10:07 I don't want to be there. Lisa Lampanelli made me laugh. I was really burned up about it when it happened. And you know that thing when people just start to become successful, you just. of stand-up isn't as important as fame. Non-Fucking-Stop, you feel like this Totally. Well, you know what they really should have? just being famous. But if we wanted to do that, if we wanted to do a quote-unquote reality show,

13:15 You've got to get involved in conflict with people online. People think it's real. how big a dick is? Well maybe you don't watch porn. I didn't catch that. i'm pretty sure that that No, yes all women. If you can go out and shoot a bunch of people and then shoot yourself, okay? You know, I don't like all these You would think I need drugs Unless he takes medication

16:51 That's what they did with the witches. Yeah, well, sorry. We were talking about how, well, actually it wasn't him I was talking to Moshe Kasher yesterday about that. We were talking about how... and recognizing, like, hey, it was Moshe. But finding someone who can't pay attention in class I've been a stand-up comedian a long fucking time. Yeah. Probably stabbing people in class, throwing bottles.

19:06 ain't going to happen. It's not going to happen. I was never going to It would drive me crazy. I couldn't train. It was carrying, like, who knows how many hundreds of pounds of shit. Those two weeks that I worked for this construction company. I mean, it was a tough two weeks. It was And all I could think of is not feeling sorry for myself at all, It's a real tough way to make a living.

21:56 Because when someone is just telling you what to do all day That's what the human mind wants. I don't know. I bet there's a lot of shit I like that you don't like. Yeah. Are you shitting me? No. Like super low budget. Almost all of his... No, there's other stuff. You just got into puffy nipples? I was doing something somewhere, and I walked by, and the girl that was working the front

24:55 Like, some guys, like, are really into big nipples. Yeah, what you see first, I think, sometimes sets your formation. I'm glad you found me. that you've never seen on another girl that you were like, what the fuck is this? I don't see it at all. It's pretty fascinating because I read this blog today where this, all right, here's the things that they're saying is that if women

27:01 suck, and they genuinely essentially have a woman hating monster. That's the difference between feminism and the men's you're not going to hear that from women. we're doing, All of it. Just fucking be cool to each other. That's our real problem in this life. she took all his fucking money, it was a plan She wanted money. Well, guess what? Are you crazy?

30:37 She's got looks. You lost all your money. That's the worst thing that can happen? having affairs. They'll lie oh, really? Oh, yeah, he's using drugs. Okay, are you guys getting divorced? Everyone's crazy. Do you know those things where people do where you're like, ooh, positive, progressive brownie points you're getting Yeah, but this is, no. but it was a feminist writing an article about Seth Rogen saying this is

34:00 never fucking listen to what I say Washington Post and Horton. I went to see Planet of the Apes in a black neighborhood in Philadelphia with my friend Tommy Jr. and his girlfriend. This is the real... The albino monkey. And when there's finally a scene where there's a black guy in it, It was totally, completely buffoonish and over the top. I just would go to the movies and like, oh, here's another fucking Tom Cruise movie.

36:23 Oh, here's Scarlett Johansson. We're gross and we don't make any movies for black people, and you're like, oh my god, we're gross. We're gross, and we don't make any movies for black people. And you're like, oh, fuck. I heard the one with him. Immediately shut it off. And Anthony's saying the N-word. he goes to the ghetto? but then you put you see that i'm a nazi

38:54 They were talking about Ellis. Whenever that one aired, There's nothing in there. I did it. And Patrice thought that was fucking hilarious. you kind of have to say it. Yeah. Mumble, mumble, mumble, mumble. fucking really pay much attention to the editing of it i just wrote them and then if if the publisher Am I supposed to do this like a white person?

41:45 So I brought in a good friend Oh my god Whoa Yeah. We had to go back and redo it. Oh, yeah. Dude, this whole book writing process has been vulnerable as fuck because you really let go of it. I gave them their money back. It's two different things. and it would put it right into the computer Yeah, they want the stuff that they think they're going to sell.

44:49 I had to put the machine in. And I went to school at, I was like in eighth grade. the 18 year olds. And I was under the impression we were all going to put our hands up, but I was the only fucking hardy today. So I'm standing like this for his whole fucking hour speech with a basketball here and there. And the fucking place went bananas. They're like, oh, and he's like, how do you'll ever party again? I just said, yeah. And the fucking place went bananas.

46:57 And these kids, I left that gym, and everyone wanted to talk to me. That's a long time. I don't. I just thought we'd all put our fucking hands up he's like yeah why That's hilarious. Did you ever have one of those moments where you'd go somewhere and you didn't They move more than once Dude, Karate Kid. And they're like, you want to go see Karate Kid?

49:25 and I go in and the movie's already started. I can't find any of the kids, but I already bought I start bawling fucking crying thinking, I'm Daniel's son. You got, we thought you were crying. So you had a fake that you weren't crying. Like what? Old Yeller? I couldn't. What is it? It was a woman. In the book, he came back and taught himself Yeah. There were things they wanted in there.

52:29 But the rest of the one I got to – but then there were ones they wanted to from like the article I told about the time I shit on a pizza box to win an election. And I had forgotten about the book lie, so I'm like, what book? She's like, you're just doing enough to get in the book and i'd forgotten about the book lie so i'm like what book she's like you're writing a book i was

53:35 Have you ever got alcohol poisoning? Duck liver. It's very strange. But it's still, like, you eat the rest of the animal, though. Because I think I saw it in Vegas the other day. There's ways of doing it where they actually want to get overfed like they actually go around the feeder like the birds are looking for it they Just say hi. No, he will not leave a message, and then he'll be upset when you don't call him back, but you don't know what it's about. Well, no, he hung up. Sorry. He won't leave a message either. No, he will not leave a message and then he'll be upset when you don't call him back

55:40 Come on, Barcresha. He's the kind of guy that I'd like to see a book written. He was going to say it. Tony Woods remembers it just like, because I wanted to clear up So I'm like, or not, I don't fucking know. but my way was very attached to the truth of I didn't know. Where does it become art? Are you telling me a story that really happened? It's like an ABC after school special on the former president.

59:08 But it makes it difficult. yeah there had to be and it's kind of open about that, which is why I was surprised. Oh, well, that makes sense. and in my head, to tell the fucking story him from here on out dude i say in the book he is a fucking a well-calculated smart guy who knows And Red Band has to save you. Dude, I got some pretty sweet Jordans. just would reinvent their history and just be like-

1:01:44 I've never read a whole comics writing from start to finish. Like, what do they think about things? that's not mine. So you start thinking, when's that going to happen?'s the struggle happen when's the bad thing happen like death or cancer or loss Really? Feel that? right i was right you were wrong and i was right we're all fucking dead you don't win then yeah

1:04:43 Not enjoying that thing's happening.'re fine you're fine i'm Concentrate on right now. Oh, yeah. my rib cage? Your liver's probably enormous. You didn't even bother Googling, and now you're upset? You're breaking all those goddamn things. I'm gonna, I need to fucking, I would like to do one cycle of growth just to get my body back. but you're not going to heal

1:06:43 I don't know, my back is all fucked up. Hanging out with Stan Hope, I think I have a hernias too. I've had three days of honest sincerity that I thought I could feel my liver. I think about that, too. That was my biggest thing. Does anybody ever reach out to you, like a Dr. Drew type dude? But I couldn't, the thing is, I couldn't not drink on planes.

1:08:48 I mean, the plane is the one public place Oh, it's double for half the price? That's the first thing you ever hear in an airport. Can I get a you like a mimosa? They offer you in the mall. You want a double? Oh, it's double for half the price. Wow. people. I've seen arguments on planes, was well aware of it. She goes, no booze on this trip. I said, okay, I can do that in Hawaii, but on the plane.

1:10:21 What the fuck is that? If I have something to do, I would never sleep through an alarm. But a Xanax gets you fucked up, right? that like less than a shot take Xanax every morning with their fruit. I find I learn better when I'm on Xanax. I know a dude who's got a problem with it. Scared. Yeah, it's. I'm not interested in those pill highs, man. Somebody figured out how to isolate some compounds that do something very particular to the human body.

1:13:20 That's what you do? allegedly, he used to snort Adderall. Just take it. I'm not having this argument with you. And he was taking the pill and it was, and he didn't realize it was speed. One was a. What stuff? Did he really? God, man, that fucking. Doctor hooks him up with the pills. You know, kind of a little nutty, but always on the ball. might take like a third of it and that strip because you did patella tendon is really big

1:17:05 pain was when i would lie there and um on the bed like watching tv and then when i would get up when I would rather have the pain. I mean, it's not, all pain's not the same. Tom Segura was in it also yeah yeah we did a It looks wider because he opened it up and cut the turbinates. Oh, is this you cleaning it? He gained a couple of pounds. The photos you sent us, picture messaging back in the day.

1:20:08 Yeah, that was, but they gave me all kinds of shit. It was nothing. The whole deal. It's just like a door that just opens up and gives you a free ride, just a free ride to I need medication. I like the dead. And so, like, you could literally get a bag of weed and some Frisbees and just be gone from the world. She was an older lady. All I could think about is how crazy it would be to be a baby today.

1:22:52 It's going to be insane I think Twitter and, like, email, I think it's the cause of depression with a lot of people. But I mean, but if you look, I mean, all people do is talk about tragedy on Facebook and like, It's only dummies. What are you trying to hurt each other's fee wings? Yeah. I've put it in my memory bank. laughing and he was mocking her.

1:25:45 Was he small? This guy, there was something obviously like really, really wrong with him mentally. That is a genetic motherfucker. but I would do anything for because exactly what you're saying is what they fix. forever by letting by gifting them the surgery I think we're just starting to realize as a race the human races over the last X amount of hundred or thousand

1:28:20 hated the other side he hated those like human beings have got to figure out a way to stop that. sense you add that to the fact that he was a fucking psycho and then boom whereas most people that are you know unfortunately built or unfortunate had that like i have a buddy i wrote about in a book as my buddy jeff hartley he's like one of You know, A lot of times,

1:30:41 I mean, I always find when a chick's funny, I want to fuck her. No, I told her we were doing this show, Reality Bites Back. I was like, you're fucking out of your mind. Yeah, that seems like a rude thing to say. No, I told her we were doing this show Reality Bites Back. Now, did she find this amusing? Yeah. I'm in a hotel room with Schumer and a bunch of people we don't know and my wife's like and I

1:32:19 Mr. Bergkreischer. Yeah. It's a hot place When you have to go yeah well I think the lesson here is take it anymore brian was there i can't take it anymore so i had to leave the room i just got up and just fucking beat me down. Some comedians, they don't really have conversations with you. Are you done, Bert? Let me talk. Like, his whole story was like, it was just like, I just wanted to go, you need to edit it.

1:35:43 Yeah. you're going to find someone Yeah, right grab my face why do you let him grab you fucking what i'm don't not everyone come out to Gotta fucking love him. Why'd you do that, Brian? He has to drive. This badass fucking knife? I love them. When I was a kid, I was like, I totally... You want a motorcycle? Going to what? And I can afford to buy a cool knife every now and then.

1:38:31 Oh, Jesus Christ. If you're in my man cave and I'm pulling out the machete, it's too late. Wow. That fucking, the kid. Probably just good stamina. And all of a sudden That's why he's gonna get Different places you visit? Traveling all over the world. We're so close to everything being fucking then everyone's going to know like i talked to a kid after one of my shows in urban

1:40:54 about it. They're so strange. throw them at me? Yeah. That are very public figures. But the article was saying that they had fake vaccinations You're getting away with something in another country It would be insane. if it's in another country. See, if it's in another country, somehow they can justify Look at throughout human history. These people that are actually saying that this guy if girls fuck this guy

1:44:39 with these guys. That scares me to not want to go to events. If you're running into women, you're not running into drunk women coming down an alleyway All the women? these things that they become so polarizing you think both the people are fucking totally crazy I thought I was raping. That's what it's like when you're getting choked out. Was it Henzo?

1:46:49 No wonder why your back's all fucked up, man. Horian. They would all beat the shit out of you. It's a hard life over there for a lot of folks. And we were standing there on my balcony watching these kids surf. Whatever it was, I was all whacked out. I was like, these are really active people. people here get fucking super sedentary, if I'm fucking,

1:49:05 That'd be a great meme. Like, you posted something about the fight last week? It's one of the Vice channels. That's why they're allowed to use those animated GIF files. They don't want animated GIF files. Let's all stop the nonsense and realize that you're not going to get into a fucking fight with one of the greatest boxers that's ever walked the face of the world.

1:50:54 Like, I don't get that. Like, he would always be like driving around his Bentley They posted a video of him working out or something? Oh. And T.I. said, I fight, but in the streets. He is. They're idiots. It's ridiculous. I'm done. They just fucked the Columbus Zoo up. And now the zoo is like, number two zoos in the, but there's most animals in the zoo. I think zoos are weird man because i i agree with them with certain animals but there's most animals

1:54:18 These animals, I mean, they are hunting lions, but those lions aren't going anywhere. And you're all in this weird, non-natural environment where nobody can move around. It's not right. see it would be to go see it live. though, because i and i he's like now there's 20 of them these gigantic places where they let people hunt them. There's a billion of these monkeys, so they don't give a shit.

1:57:37 that they've taken care of so many, This is how fucked up this thing is with the Columbus Zoo. You know, I don't know anything about that. trying to help animals wait are zo, are zoos more nonprofit organizations? And I went to this little tiny zoo and there was this, there was a lion and a bear and remember thinking like how is that better than it not being alive like that's not but what just so

2:00:26 And another cool thing is they also do a lot of alternative methods to make the animals not go crazy. the hay pinatas. If you think the wild animal park, the zoo is crazy big. Like, come on. what are you doing? Well, how about this? But the balls don't know it. they jump on it their whole genetic reward system The female is supposed to hunt. The adventure of being a lion is the adventure of being a predator.

2:03:16 Anybody that's weak, anybody that's limping, anybody that's slipping, fence. And this is a tray. And on All day, everybody avoids your eye contact in the jungle. Get with the pack. Knock, knock, knock. Because he's getting paid a million dollars for one year to be in a cage. It's not operational right now Yeah. You go under the sharks? And the sharks, there's at least 20 fucking sharks, 30 sharks.

2:06:17 They were scared at first. He's like, all right, this foot right here, this foot right here. I filmed all of it. And they fucking loved it. And the cages are pretty safe, right? Cages are really safe. Wow. and it was surreal, Does that ever happen? trip flip. We've done it twice, and I love it so much Just don't, you've done that, right? you stand, you look around,

2:09:03 Of course I am, but that's what makes it. Yeah. A trike, yeah. Yeah, I was meant to tell you this. The guy's idea? this. Yeah. easily and be okay. There's a big fucking tent out back. Compound bow. the. site. I get under the fucking tent Part of me was like, I don't know if I can do this, I don't know. I don't know. there's two different types of pins. There's a single pin. Yeah. And a single pin, you rotate forward and backward with this sight.

2:13:06 You lock on how far it is the exact distance. This is very hard. We'll shoot two bows and arrows. We did. So like some bows, you can't just like, God damn it, man. And I was like, oh, I got this. It's way easier have to throw it yeah and then eventually you get it you figure it out well that's the whole idea click i mean it took just no time at all yeah he's just so he's like when you've shot as many

2:15:55 Like if you're going to throw a rock, It's input. so that it compensates for the distance Could be. If I go Hawaii, it's with my family, know i bet if they saw a real wild pig though they'd probably be completely freaked out because But they also have this fucking pig that's as big as this table, dude. and covered in mud. You're out of your mind. I don't know how many hours it took.

2:19:20 is like rich and acorns and all these different things that the pigs could eat. It was fat and it was delicious. If I had to choose one meat that I've ever had ever, that would have been the one I chose as the best meat I've ever had. oh, you can't even eat these. Meanwhile, yeah, Oh, okay, it's bad meat. Pigs. Why do they They have some mountain goats in some of the places.

2:21:06 I don't know. Give me that fucking pig. bow and arrow people like that's fucking horrible that's disgusting they don't even eat those they You haven't tasted cigar lately. You saw that when I was getting my nose fixed He was like Now he can eat whatever the fuck he wants He sent some picture Last week, actually. up for us in phoenix Phoenix when he did a competition.

2:23:42 Joey vanished and we couldn't get a hold of him. It was a long ass time ago. Josh McDermott's a good dude. Fuck doing one of those shows, man. I'm an accomplished author. Yeah. Oh, it's just a nightmare, man. It's, How's puff daddy get in there? And what it was was travel size vodka and your shipment will be ready to be picked up on Thursday. And so I was like, okay, that's not what I wanted to do.

2:26:40 Why can't it happen? And then we came in, we had a big fucking tasting. Everyone liked the exact same one. He was doing it. I think this would be a good thing for you. It is kind of a scam Right. Apparently, your label needs to be approved by the FDA. I haven't done a special in so long. Do you write right? Like, I talk about the dude. I've got to remember that story.

2:30:27 Anytime something that you can't, you know, you got to remember. I feel like I'll work on material. fucking plus sets on my I think every comic does that nowadays. Yeah, it's on I fucking, I miss hanging out like this. and I know that me and him may never be friends. But I'd watch him on stage, He is one of the best comics I've ever seen on stage. I don't understand it.

2:32:39 Like, the dude had all these rules. My friend was working there, and he was working with Reggie McFadden, and Reggie just destroyed, destroyed. Tony Woods not gigantic? Why don't you tell that Tracy Morgan He's like, that's what I want. Yeah. got proven that you didn't lie right and i was like i fucking knew it it was like uh on facebook and you think about those dudes.

2:35:40 Oh no, who says that? Right. Do you remember, was it Hans? And I wish I could remember it. funny anymore or something but i remember it was like maybe videotape but it was on your lot Really? with somebody else. like the guy. I fucking Joe. Bobby Kelly said he looked just like me. Yeah. And I can't remember. Really? What if you're funnier? Let's make this happen.

2:38:22 Just let it go. Oh, yeah. I'm leaving. Wow. What? Well, you know, there's some dudes that will feel like you're fucking up their vibe Ever. I can't. I'm not proud of it. Kelly's sexy mode when you guys had sex with girls? They were really cool. He's a fucking cool guy. I think he's a little younger than me. Cause then he would be some 46. And it was when he was with uh he had a

2:41:50 I love Bobby he's one of my favorite people I call him when I have drama and the originality aspect to the suffering. And what's a threat to that art? I did a bit about penguins, and it was about that March of the Penguins bit. until i was driving in my car and i was listening to XM Satellite Radio was talking about It's right there. That's one of the biggest fears of a young comic is if you're afraid to listen to people's albums because you're afraid they're going to do bits like you, you need to fucking start writing more.

2:44:58 And rightfully so. I want to look at me when I was young Was just oh I want to succeed, I want to be a headliner Because you got to know where the where the fucking where the meter is like who if i got a like already was saying on the thing if there's But you would go on stage at the comedy store, and if you had a 10 o'clock spot, the show starts at 8, there might be three guys before you that did a fucking crocodile hunter joke.

2:46:36 Here's what I like. But when you're younger, you don't know what you're doing on stage, and you emulate. Oh, that's a good move. You got to do that. He's a smart dude, man. Yeah. busts the bubble and releases and everyone's going to go, It's hard for other people to understand each other. That was like, this guy had been to Jerusalem or some shit. You know what I mean?

2:49:45 It ain't easy to do this, and we all need each other. that I would have never fucking told. Had I not story on stage i would have never fucking told When you're around as many talented people as you can, if you just sort of lay back and become the guy where everybody goes, And it's all for all of us too. Almost got my computer again Shannon Doherty, she's back, bitches.

2:51:57 Let's go get weird. I fucking love you, Joe. I'm happy doing drugs. He is who he is. Listen, we will be back on Saturday night for some sort of a UFC fight. and skip my show in Philly. All right, you dirty fucks. Go to O-N-N-I-T. And it's probably the funnest thing I've ever done in my life. All right. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.