Joe Rogan Experience #51 — Joey Diaz Transcript

Transcript

0:00 I'm not internationally known, but I'm known to rock a microphone. Third grade. And cockroaches always lead to more cockroaches You talk too loud in the movies. Look again. 1-2-1-2. This is the Joe Rogan Experience podcast with Brian Reichel, a.k.a. Red Band. I do every time, though. Yeah, totally. yeah, it gives you the directions for Campbell's soup,

3:07 and it's like a fucking drink. You put some ice cubes, the Epsom salt. Just a couple different recipes ice burn your dick? Well, that's... We were like 18. So here's the beauty. Do you mind if we pee on you? The guys go right ahead. There was a point in the night I we could pee on him. So I walked over to the guy and said, can I ask you a question? Do you mind if we pee on you?

4:42 people to spit on him. We ended up pissing on him. I don't like pissing on myself, but this guy But like clips on their nipples and all that. I don't know where these people fucking come from. Fuck, man. who are into that stuff. There's a lot of them. A lot of them. What, are you fucking kidding me? There's people that only fight with their spouses they don't fight with other people they just fight

6:54 What do you guys... And it's called Beauty and the Beast. you know he pulled the reins in you know i'm saying so she's like the brain puller and i go There's a fucking big group of people that don't get into any sports at all. how many people don't like going to sports. He's a huge fan. He was hanging out with Paul Sims, and they were playing instruments together.

8:56 Dude, I remember crying laughing. Something for MTV. couch. And we watched these No, no, I haven't seen that. What is that about? No, no, no. No. It's a movie where dumb people take over like it's eventually there's no smart people left which is basically just like my bit but then you know everybody sees I didn't know who these people were. Oh, he's a bad shit. Bruce Jenner was a motherfucker,

11:33 He threw spears. He got the plastic surgery. Heidi Montag. Yeah. That's what How crazy, have you ever been to a crazy and baby tigers walking around. Parties are weird when you're going to basically a club that is someone's house. I've been to like two. The last one I went to was they had staff that was trying to keep people out of the rest of the house.

14:02 Dancers on poles. Who's it going to be? She's had some work done. It's amazing that people stand in line for hours to go into a club. And then VIP tables and whatever. What if I fucking want water? And I waited for another half hour until I get in. Where was this? You walk in, and there's a net the the bar where people naked girls are just climbing

16:32 When I say it's fucking over. It's amazing at the bar. By the time the bartender comes to you and you give a, it's amazing. And me and him and this kid John Badaracco, we went to this party that this Iranian He throws this fucking party and has giant lawn. I mean, it is a huge fucking place. And right in the middle of this party, these kids Maybe she hit him.

19:08 I was like covering my ears and sneaking hitting people with their shoes. Wow. Oh, it's crazy. It was nuts. Those piles were just wild chimp, add alcohol. You had 10 minutes to get in your fucking car and leave. You can't look at mobile me to find my car. He started drinking, and he started spitting on the floor. Next thing you know, all fight broke out.

21:24 I'm going to go back there and fuck him up. It was one of those types. The kid bit him in the thing and he kept holding on to the car saying as soon as i get stitched up i'm gonna go back there and fuck him up it was one of those types the kid bit him in the ear it was You have to kill him with a stick. And then they'd do it again for 20 minutes. You know, Stitch would be there.

22:44 That's an east coast thing yeah I just have a feeling that if that was to happen to me, like if it got really bad, would be like all right i'm taking you to the orphanage or whatever like i feel like i would What? You want your kid to really, You had your own fucking opinions at 8 and 9. Momo with sandals on. Act like it. mook with little sandals on.

25:01 it's a mook. You can tell by his fucking body. Like he's a fucking moron drinks. And then you talk to him and you level him out. crazy kid. Look at me. or rape little fucking girls. I was a the car in half. Wow. And I hit the gas and the car just lost it. My first car was a 73 Chevelle. Fuck yeah. I just wanted hot rods, man. metal monstrous death machine out there with a bunch of people with their kids out there walking

28:36 I'll show you how to do it. with wood on the sides i had a i had a bunch of cars that were like big american muscle cars God. toyota super i think was my favorite car growing up that was fun that was my first expensive car Well, you know they have that Lexus, if you've never seen it, that LFA. My numbers might be off. You know that's on the works. hear the hybrids oh yeah it'll be just like that everyone Everyone would have the same fucking car. Oh, my God.

32:24 of here i swear to god it was in a blizzard i went back there three days later the car had a foot of snow on it and all the windows one window was shut the rest of the window coming like a day later the I never heard from the bank. I never paid it off. with five dollars for whatever it's his five dollars in those days like all you had to do Fife on it, they wouldn't find your car.

33:49 Yeah, they're rat dens. I just watched something. I mean, just taking your airbags. And he sells it at $1,500. Who's doing that? Airbag ring. Air. Fucking airbags. Yeah. Subaru. And they just drive around until they Iraq and Iran, years ago they found that when they went over there, that all the cars they were driving were stolen cars from the States.

36:22 That's where the stolen cars from here go in a fucking tank. Whether it's online. I read something through chats on facebook like it looks like they're chatting to you wow so watch out for a legit website will have been hacked with this thing. That's what it would be? What a tricky world we live in. you would really worried about getting out i don't know what is the big deal you people make

38:50 No, no, no. what could I get from you? What are you going to do? The missus should have told them to not play near the door. That's their fucking house. Bitch. Let them do what they do. Right. Do you still use MySpace? There's nothing wrong with MySpace, and I'm going to tell you why. Why are people getting off my space? All your friends aren't real.

41:02 Bitch, I still got 8-track tape. Sorry about the phone. That's why we do. Somebody called me yesterday from Sacramento. Yeah. Yesterday I got a call from Sacramento yesterday. You know, I don't even know. You know what I'm saying? It's like if you live in San Bernardino. fucking thing off the chairs. whatever your color is. That's how I made money in the first and second grade.

43:42 Because I didn't get in the pool until I was 21 years old after I'd hurt my like 7, 8 years old and I and he's just sitting around their competitive instincts and desires. Who was in it? And the thing was, he had already lost. You can play golf on the weekends, and it can add flavor to your life. was find games. I didn't live with those kind of kids.

45:47 But the reason why I stopped playing pool Just your competitive drive. Like, there's certain games, like, it's not, that's a totally different world. and keep everything tightly tuned. You'd have to sit around and wait or you'd have to practice by yourself. I can't. I'm scared. where they pretend it's in-game footage, but it's not really. I want to see everybody else. I want to see it as if I'm seeing it i don't need to see my character that's stupid you know i i might want to see the the hand in front of me with the gun

48:31 We don't see our body outside, our body running around. Dude, you should do it and now do it in 3D. You feel way more immersed into it. They're in it for the looks. Like the railgun looks Let me tell you something. Anybody who You can jump. It's all in real time, fighting other people. It's's so exciting you really need to play some new video games i can't i can't

50:35 You remember when we saw... I would love to have him on the podcast. Because Doom 3D, it just came out. or announced. Getting to hang around with them, before Doom 3 came out and they were showing us like some demo versions of it If you had kids, and, you know, it's like, you motherfuckers need to hire more people. Like, this is ridiculous. Why is this's up with that, man? If you had kids, and you know, it's like you motherfuckers

52:33 I mean, the new UFC game I don't want to have people over, come on, let's play some UFC. I'm like, what the fuck? I think next month I start. So there's so many hours put into the game. because there's a lot of Easter eggs in games, right? I don't get it. Where you have to press control, alt, delete to get to it or something? Fuck you. a treasure hunt all of a sudden?

55:14 and you say you can't talk. we're doing the podcast. What are you, nuts? I think that's what look sometimes there's little treasures or presents in there and you just or you add things to this will help him out all right but then you the problem is you just have some nut who would just You mean internet show. What it is going to be is that internet and TV sort of merge together.

57:51 It's just somehow or another they're all going to merge together. watch jimmy kimmel you know what i'm saying listen let's get down and fucking dirty here It's Google TV, Apple TV, all those other TVs. That's when it's going to be a real problem, like iRealityShow. That one guy. Yeah, that one guy. 24 hours Yes, bam. You think, well, hey, all you have to do nowadays is get a reality show and you're famous.

1:00:22 And also she shows that big dick going into it. You're going to watch me fuck, but it's only because it was an accident. It's when they raise the bar. Something has to be going on. Hey, let me tell you something, Doug. It's just a matter of time. You fucked him up, dog. This guy's very dedicated. And I think we were in Germany. When guys like Josh Koscheck and Welterweights, and he was like, you never see that.

1:03:11 They can go. His wrestling's good. If every fight was 25 rounds, Frankie Edgar might not ever lose, numbers knocked out of him so the combine numbers don't come into it. It all comes to you right there. and I think that this guy just said, He ain't never been hit before. And that's when I said, ooh. What's trolling? You got in trouble with the pet police?

1:06:06 Yeah, I made a fake video where I had a cat in a refrigerator. And he goes, what's trolling, man? No one's coming to your house to suck your dick. I think he's got a book. Doesn't he? I think they were doing a book or he has.org. I don't know if it's still around. I think Doug wrote a book about it. I think he's got a book. That's hilarious. I'm telling you, dog,

1:07:45 and playing football for a little bit that he did too, I don't think so. Big fucking difference when you get punched in the fucking face twice when I see the two of them, he does is smart all his footwork is smart he can go at that same pace and keep going he's not You really won't be able to stop him. what to attack You play Patterson Eastside. And then you establish that,

1:10:13 No question. I got my nose broken because I was doing coke. I had my nose busted What is that pain from? It's from fucking But I remembered when I broke it, the pain I had. fucking beat up the other night he He got beat up, dog. Somebody took it to you, motherfucker. at all. He got hit one time. People did mention and still is such a huge draw because of pro wrestling and everything like that

1:13:07 But really, Randy was, you know, I mean, he was the heavyweight champion, Kane's one of them. so that when I don't make I would have gone with Brock. That's his easy fucking lock right there. I'm going to win Brock against whatever. He's just fighting really good guys. That's all right. I think, you know, I'm a big Campman fan. He's from Denmark, bro.

1:15:37 He had cut 20 pounds in a day to get down to 170. You know, I didn't want to say it. He looked so terrible that I saw him and I shook his hand. He had dry, chapped lips. He couldn't walk. And he walks over and he still can't make weight. Should have counted those fucking points. he lost to Chris Camozzi. Very, very losing, like, he's probably losing 20 pounds

1:18:16 Especially if he pushed away and just started firing on him in the third round. Picks him apart standing, using his jab and leg kicks and just angles. But that motherfucker is so hard to tap. Mayhem's big as fuck. They're just too goddamn strong. But Campman's kickboxing is like, if Jake Shields I thought, why would he grapple with him in this round?

1:20:58 When he knocked out Dan Hardy, I was like, okay, this motherfucker. So you knew that Carlos Conant He's like hitting new levels. Listen I love Dan Hardy. I think Dan Hardy's He's got mad balls, Carlos Condor. He's getting better. Yes, he is. He's getting better. Well, he's down in one you permanently. He's a bad motherfucker. Something about him scares the shit out of me. He's getting better.

1:22:14 Because he's doing something. Spencer Pratt. That's the main striking trainer because he's a great guy. I want to give a prop to my man, Oh, that's... I thought Jake Shields lost it too. I smoked too much weed. I forgot his name, but perfect. Carlos was, The best way to do it is to use the proper technique because if you do that, you have more It's like maybe, you know, like jujitsu guys, they always say the best jujitsu guys are

1:24:53 you always want to learn from a small guy When are you going to open up your little kung fu fucking school if you want to be a coach And it's a very fascinating thing, I was still teaching at a Taekwondo school and I was still leading people in tournaments. couldn't be there at nighttime because I had to go to do a gig in connecticut or i couldn't be there i'd have

1:27:02 expert at something and I'm teaching people that want to learn this. what I think is a very unintelligent fight, which is all well and good, like Dave Camarillo and Bob Cook, They go over tapes. But, of course, you do. broke your foot okay stop throwing kicks this is what you're gonna do you're gonna you're gonna strength and conditioning. It's amazing how

1:29:08 every time I've gone to an MMA event with you, He's beat because of the sleep apnea. It's so weird. Somebody else is on a diet But he talked about it He's a bad motherfucker too. And he really loved his wife. Josh Haynes. That's what I'm saying. that's one of the things people through. You've got 20 years. it's going to shorten your career a bit. This shit's loud.

1:32:37 Those gym wars are the ones that will really kill you. where they just basically fight every week. you can only do that for so long. If you do that and take big, big shots all the time on a regular basis, That special I told you about, the Luke Daly one. and he suffered a gang of concussions. He should be dead. Dude! His brains... if that was me or you and we did that, we'd be

1:35:31 I mean, I mean, through my hair and I flip and I land on you. Yeah, yeah, he played. 225-pound bench press, he can do 43 reps. His vertical jump, 35 inches. His broad jump, No, no, listen, man. When you see an offensive fucking lineman. Amazing. Well, he had to bet on himself to beat you. He hit Liddell with a chair. i mean i didn't even follow basketball and all i saw was that dude doing these superhuman feats

1:38:57 instead of basketball. God damn, he'd I mean, John Jones. What does he got? And then he fought six, seven. There's no way you become a champion wrestler if you're just strong because those guys are just strong too. Just a hair. But I think that like when a guy comes up that's got like they did, man. But like they did, they They just opened up They're putting fucking

1:41:26 or it'll be Super Bowl weekend. Super Bowl for Cain Velasquez might be, I might Dos Santos is coming off a big fight too Nelson was always there and always dangerous. I think it's all tentative right now. All those heavyweights seen that fight and fell off their fucking chains. I thought Carwin was fighting right now. A couple pullouts. I had an MRI yesterday.

1:43:18 And it's one of the reasons why he, I think, stopped playing football as well. Carwin versus Nelson. Right out He might. He had all these fights where he was getting beat down. I know Fedor is a legend. against high-level competition, against high-level competition, I mean, he got hit with a big knee from a big guy. I like his work ethic. this is what's coming in.

1:45:44 like they're nothing and just toss them around. It doesn't look like they're even each other. Like, ants can just pick other ants up like they're nothing His lateral drop, when he gets those double overhooks on you, Gusma was his first opponent in the UFC. He's just freak strong, freak technique, super smart, super humble dude. bad motherfucker with his body.

1:47:05 And that's what happens to Michael Vick, for example. sometimes people have very fast hand speed It's perfect, you know. Yeah, I'm sorry. I heard that his room is a fucking map. And you have a decision to make. I talked about it during the podcast. for being, like, one of the baddest motherfuckers to deal with. The technique has to be the most important.

1:49:57 So what's the fucking tool you're running up a hill? And these guys, you know, this Donahue guy role. But he's fascinated by it, and he's fascinated by it as a science, But then the other guy, everybody says, avoid his fucking guillotine. The kid's got a nasty guillotine. A lot of guys did that. He pushes his knuckles. about Jiu Jitsu, man. You can't learn it all, man.

1:52:23 That's it. All, like, the standard stuff. But Hicks and Gracie is traditional jiu-jitsu. Everything he does is perfect technique, perfect position. until you roll with a guy like Hickson, Meanwhile, you've been putting in 10 years. strength you don't feel it it's just all of a sudden he's mounted on you and you can't shake that's figuring out some new way to cut off

1:54:49 Technique never ends, man. Like I said, you put ice cubes in there, and then you put a little bit of fucking cum in there, I have one for you. Do you still even beat off? Why don't you do it more? No? That ain't never going to fucking happen. You always get that one idiot, No, dog. That's disgusting. Wow. Like, oh, you need it to keep a relationship.

1:56:48 I mean, after a while, you get just so tired of each other. Joey Diaz. What did I say today? Every time I come up, he puts the security cameras on and shit. Nothing. Beauty and the Beast podcast. Oh, D-A. Like, what if you become famous? Because you guys are awesome. Why confuse people? Your tags are off. What's my Mad Flavor at whatever? I think he sent you a MySpace message, though, reluctantly.

1:59:15 You know, I smoke 50 fucking bongos a second. battery and have vaporizer. I can't keep up with the Because for the first hour, They're all flying by. No, it's two weeks. Yes, it is. which is next week, isn't it? Next week is Austin. Beauty and the Beast. Don't forget You can do that if you like, but if they really want I don't want you to change your name.

2:01:30 And then also Joey Karate. What are you talking about? I'd play something I don't know. Remember? You have it already. I love you guys. We appreciate it very much. It's an acquired taste? We will see you probably Thursday. We enjoy the fuck out of doing it, and we're going to keep doing it. Bye. Like this beating, how it bounces, don't smoke trees, we smoke tree houses, break them bushes,