Joe Rogan Experience #5150001 — Ari Shaffir Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience. So did you do Punch Drunk when you were on the road, when you were in China? Yeah, Skyped in. We came back from break So you could, Yeah, but sometimes it goes like, Yeah. happen but i'm so happy you're video editing again. That video of us shooting hard drives. So we set up some hard drives and loaded up my hunting rifle.

2:30 out freaking out yeah when you pull the trigger don't flinch it's really hard not to flinch secrute is route oh your video I'm glad you're doing videos again yeah yeah man how much fucking computer edit videos like that. That submission video for some some show on commercial never happened. Yeah, it has like a million views or almost it has clip. They're like, how do you make

4:46 Like the new Final Cut Pro is cool because it could sync up automatically I mean, it would be fun to see how much unstressful it is. I was talking to a dude today No, I think he felt like the, But he was loving the Adderall when he was on it. I believe he was talking about a doctor. Hardcore. Yeah I don't know Lose their marbles to get it because obviously something's happening to him.

6:59 You're exactly the same guy, but you'll laugh a little bit more. They're not making memories right now. People are like, what do you mean? But then I'm thinking, wait, I only had three drinks last night. what I did last, like, two hours ago. It's a great fun thing that so few people get to do. You always say to your grandfather, like, he drank every day until he died.

9:26 But I know people that I've seen their body deteriorate. It's dried out. The first was a guy that I knew... I knew three guys there does anyone in your family smoke good to go you could probably smoke for a good 20. My mom smoked for a little while. Well, then you're probably good to go. Oh, I loved it. No, I was looking at people with their cigarettes going, hmm.

11:04 It might be disgusting, but then it starts going away through your body, just moving stuff that's people who eat their couches and stuff. People who eat their couches? Yeah, you know those weird addictions. put it in her mouth, and start chewing it. That's what's weird about being a person. And a cigarette apparently is one of those. Yeah. Remember when we used to walk to Carney's right down the street from the store?

12:59 There's no food pyramid where that's on. Greece. all day every day But then one time I saw him on stage Yeah, he's got to get a special brand cigarette that he wasn't even smoking for like five years. There's a real effect. It's also a calm because you're like, oh, now I don't need a cigarette anymore. Yeah, yeah. You know you're doing something bad. It's the same thing

15:39 Yeah, nicotine is a stimulant. Nightshade? It's made from the roots and accumulates It might be something differently. I'm pretty sure. Is Nigeria going to play Germany tomorrow? I just wondered. What did I think it was? Uh-uh. I want to go there. They love to eat like that, man. Those people love to eat like that. the original fogos in rio chicken hearts yeah they have chicken hearts and organs and they love

18:30 Don't do it. You know what I wish? Sure. You get addicted to things You're just really connected talk about how great your video editing skills They actually say that that is what's Well, I got a pair of glasses the type of glasses sagura wears them yeah me and tom but really yeah well those are the ones that you're supposed to I heard about that. You saw them on TV

20:55 What is it like being a Jew? What do you mean? Yeah, people say some weird shit to people sometimes. What's it like? Yeah, people say douchey things like on the sneak tip. What kind of question are you asking me, bitch? son yeah shit joe did you uh follow that story about that kidnapping of the kid that they found He was just trapped in there? They went looking for him for like 11 days.

22:57 He had food and clothes. For 11 days. where they're trying to hide from their parents That's true. I don't know There's a lot of weird questions In Detroit they do But we were just there a little while ago. All due respect to Kid Rock and Eminem, I'm not moving to fucking Detroit. No doubt about it. We were on this river um where uh shit if you're smoking cigarettes already you know what a difference does it make if you eat

26:14 Yeah. filled with radiation. amount of radiation in it. they have inside of there. power plant for workers. Natural cholesterol? He brings Geiger and he brought in a plane. That was one of the reasons why it was significant. It's bigger than the continent. Oh, really? It's so fucking far. Life of Pi. The fact that he beat the tiger back and he was on a boat.

29:48 It didn't really happen. to get up that ladder that's, Oh, right. Hey, did you like Godzilla? Spoiler alert. winner the next day. It was just dumb. was like unpleasant in it. Listen, it was a decent special effects movie. Nobody likes guys getting knocked out with pistols in the movie no consistency yeah they just edited it wrong. How about the dude?

32:25 because the face who said that. Yeah, Tony Hinchcliffe. with the look well it just felt like And there was just Obviously, There was one. It's been a fucking That's, you know, not Bukowski, whatever. He would always, into the, They have no clue. with those resistors? Yeah, that's right then. He's fucking six. There's no pussy for Carl. How long till you would, once you heard about cutting off the arms of zombies and like...

35:13 Yeah. Fuck a guy who had AIDS? No What? Fuck a guy who had AIDS? But dude, you wouldn't. Caress the butt. You'd feel the... Were going to believe The guy's got to fuck the zombie Never coming back Sometimes they bite you and it would all male and female zombies. For the future. Yeah, they'd be a danger. Everybody would be rushing to yoga mat places.

38:06 These in-shape zombies. She was really into it. to save the world, before they can bite you or their friends bite you. If they bite you a little, yeah. More human. Yeah, maybe. but half of them would be missing chunks of their neck Come back to life But half of them So she's got no lips Like Society's so loosely put together When 12 Monkeys came out

40:51 Fuckload of them, man. God damn, that was a good zombie movie they Because if they're not the biggest threat, then people sort of become the biggest threat. Yeah, zombies are like, it's just like a speed bump. They're pressed up against the cage. Occasionally you'd see them kill them, but it became a problem like what they're right there they're pressed up against the cage occasionally you'd see them kill them but there were days on

42:28 Yeah, that's your workout You got to do a lot of lefties because you don't want to imbalance your back. There are zombies up against a fence. Right in the brain. Yeah, whatever. Not me. Stabby, stab that when somebody sees their kid. No problem. Yeah, whatever. where guys had to kill their wives and shit Yeah. So that we could save them. But would the stories be the same?

44:24 So you couldn't have as many many relationships with people that go bad. Yeah, it was pretty good. they weren't shooting Godzilla. Stop. You left that in the script We will watch this Why would he do that Why the fuck would we listen to you assholes? They would need something where you would agree to not talk about it. They know it's a piece of shit.

46:37 It was a... The 13th Warrior. like way more involved though and much more like you think much creepier books are always get it This is how much money they lost. Who thought Frankenstein? I could have sworn I walked in this office and you told me you wanted me to invest movie in a sexy Frankenstein. Oh, yeah. And who can pull it off? That's who can pull it off.

48:39 He talks well. It's part of fiction. They went to Pacific Northwest. Can you pull up, without us getting pulled off of YouTube, I don't know if it's possible, Don't do it. There's no copyright laws in China. It's bullshit. It's all bullshit. Oh, when did Columbus discover Edward He got vampired right around the same time. Yeah. How about just say, oh, actually, I'm older than I look.

51:08 Not 20, but they look super young. Hmm. Although I'm not. I mean, how, The Moors. All shih tzus look like shih tzus. They have no idea when people started domesticating dogs they had an episode about it it's good. Intelligent design. Yeah, he's awesome. And then they only bred with the wolves that were friendly. Yeah, me neither. Listen to you. It's like Don Beres says.

54:55 I think they were slaves. Are you ratting them out on the podcast? Because I bet the Chinese authorities had no idea. If you ate way too much pot, you're like, why did I give up the fact that they were drug dealers? I saw your podcast. Oh, yeah. I'm just making shit up. And then Hong Kong. Manhattan has nine. Because LA is 20 million people, but the good news is they're flat out.

57:00 Oh, okay. 100% safe. Yeah. I mean, they're a little bit conservative because they don't have any plumbers that are over there. That's a good way of looking at it. to tell me the person's name, but so you had your agent and this is the coolest part there are brand new comedy scenes starting from scratch in china in and then they see a show And then somebody tries,

59:11 There's no one to learn from either other than YouTube. Imagine if China takes over and becomes like the number one comedy community in the world. I saw a guy. That's a ballsy move. Yeah. i'm like no no i got it you're like no i can pay i'm like i'd be like hey man you gotta let me do what am I gonna get caught less crime Wow. No, they show Mahjong games getting hacked by these fucking Uyghurs.

1:01:54 I'm not totally sure. I think W-I-E-G-E-R. they're the ones who got the big stabbings that were going on and there were these videos of this Wow. Uyghur. But they showed this on the, Oh God. of all the media. So they say it's the Uyghurs, Al-Qaeda and... in all the computers Oh, yeah. My friend, Turner Sparks, And then someone else will just paint up another van

1:04:43 Wow. That's amazing. Maybe. After like seven, eight, nine days, though, it started to become like normalized a little room that looks like the belly room it's just like oh this is a cool place wow other places showed i was like oh that means you saw who's playing and then you watched the video you're before they're like, yeah, we've all seen it, man.

1:07:05 you'd be like, audience members, for your one new bit. It's not really, it's just better. It's not that new. It's just, fuck, I an old tagline. Yeah, you can't do it. You see my new tagline? It's not really, it's just better. Yeah, so you've got to like, yeah. Everything closed early. Suzhou. I don't know. i don't know what the fuck i don't know but i think i don't i never know if they're just

1:08:51 Whoa. time i ever saw the skyline it was just pretty dramatic on the west side highway jesus he looked Immense. Yeah. Whoa. How bad? 40% of the people wear masks. or tells you what the forecast is? they give you that everyone has at all times. They have signs up for that at every train station. Dudes kiss their camels. I mean, how long does it take before some of the more ridiculous, like we were talking

1:11:56 like we're moving that way but it's natural to feel like every time i would do that growing up stupid ways like stepping on a crack right but it might be the way you act or think or behave When I see a ladder, I'll usually move around it the other way man give that cat a little bowl of tuna fish and pet it be purring it's just a cat a lot of straight

1:13:51 Yeah, it's witches. Some fucking glowing eyes You're on a bicycle. There's an old Disney thing with a superstitious guy. Maybe horses would freak out and they'd see a cat run across them and people fell. Yeah. Just below the knee all the way they don't tell it oh my god yeah but they don't have much homeless that was the Go to New Orleans. You can drive around.

1:16:08 you talking about they have no reference point they don't know what it smells like now i just Don't go there. They'll get you. Their kids shit in the streets. I saw one of them back confused wow They're just allowed to shit. They don't what? Yeah. I was in the Forbidden City. and then there's a picture toilet stall door And then you go to the next one, and you're like, what?

1:18:39 I walked away. and washed your butt? I thought it was for pollution. Squat over it Blast it into that hole Picture this. Filling the hole essentially. That's how Asians just squat, eat all the time. I do that sometimes. Really? I'll sit on my yard like that. My shersky sits after that. Everyone has it after that. But I sit like that all the time. That's how Asians just squat, eat all the time.

1:20:11 This just happened last week in China in one of those toilets. Oh my god. What? but now I don't want to. in a lot of places How was that part of it? Yeah, they want your business. You got to use your visa to go between them. How do what? No. they all shit in malls whoa and they carry fucking raw turkeys in their bags when they go all the And I was like, wow, you're right.

1:22:44 Whoa. Well, they had a lot of revolution in the last not that many years. They're like, we're safe. if you don't control the body. That's fascinating. right turn if they see a hole they go big enough for their car they're taking it those mopeds are Or you see my angle, you want to stop and throw it off. I'll go where you are now. They're drawing little pictures.

1:24:43 to save battery, You can pretty much see. On a Prius. It's like an instant start up again. So over time, it doesn't. You slowly accelerate up to whatever speed you want to go to. That's got nothing to do with me. I don't know. And I just jumped off into the bay and stuff. Yeah. Two days? That's what loads do. Loads go fast. Yeah, it kills people. I think I should probably Google that.

1:28:35 australia i don't think from sydney i think they're closer to sydney than we are really It's no bigger than your fingernail, and it can kill you. Look at that shit. Where's this live? That's how big that is. The species box jellyfish was described as recently as 2007. They didn't know about this jellyfish until 2007. There's some of them where they have one in a little tiny little tiny test tube where in australia all over australia

1:31:12 Nope. Oh, my God. Yeah, Steve-O went to this beach That fucking guy. Manny was cool. That is so weird, man. There's none. Part of this is what it does to you. severe pain in the back and kidneys, It does sound like that. of skin and face, headaches, nausea. Bro, these fucking box jellyfish ain't killing me, dude. That can just jack you. It's probably some

1:34:34 to dive. I mean they must They serve jellyfish at some of the restaurants. Steve-O does. They're just swiping and barely missing his butt? it is the most terrifying thing anybody that i've ever met has ever done god was that the guy who Not from all that other crazy shit. Nuttiest fucking shit. Did you see the new one with the old man? rocket right by his head.

1:36:58 And everyone would be like, oh, oh yeah, of course. But he now, I mean, I talked to him like six months ago. and then maybe. that came with him I'm going to tell you and leave it blank. So I bet some really hot chicks They start moving across the desk at him. Yeah. I think this shouldn't be. This doesn't even make sense. I may as well catch him while I can. Must be hot. Yeah, and he's probably, you know, he looks in the mirror, he knows what he looks like. Yeah, I think this shouldn't be.

1:38:53 No one else gets that shot. We were talking about comedy, Let me cash in. A lot of times I feel like Yeah. That becomes like a force of habit. I got to take care of this. Not me. I mean the YouTube crashed. Oh, YouTube. you don't want to do. Or you really like doing that and it's way better than not doing and this other fatter comic, how to lose weight

1:41:25 Yeah, you gotta do it all the way for me. Yeah, we all do. And it's one of the reasons why I'm not lazy at all. Because I'm up. It's hard. Yeah, if you don't get early going. I have lazy tendencies. Yeah, we all do. Good move. I listen to set on the way home. So I like to relax, sit in front of the TV. you don't automatically, that's ever been made.

1:42:56 Go to a bar and see that. What is that? They have to die. so you can watch Is there any bigger You're not going to say shit. You know how Bush was like, I can't let you show the What do you think about all this shit that's going on in Iraq? It's not our fights, man. Then you're an occupying force. What about the children? They didn't uprise, but they were all upset.

1:45:11 we were going to do Isn't that interesting when that happens? You remember PD. And let's just say we'll click on Los Angeles. Is it places where you stopped and made a call? I'm just finding out about it on the Joe Rogan Experience podcast. Not if you're running from the law. Like, have you seen that? Isn't that crazy, Ari? Let's go check that out.

1:47:32 I never did that. Oh. I don't know because if it's... Oh, damn. And then he's in agony, screaming and running. Well, he's a better man than I. That seems like a fucking terrible idea. They're trying to get That's interesting. Yeah? We're doing it again this year, actually, in Montreal. Yeah, it's transgender. gotta use it up while we can. In the future,

1:50:47 that's the problem listen to it in there and take it out of the libraries that's what you're, but I'm allowed to go to the school board and try to get them the time in an accurate way that he made? We're seeing blowback. You're so angry. It infringes on the eyes of others. Yeah. If you start taking less, you'll need less to fill up. Once. have gotten off and keep it yeah i mean i guess there is such a thing as as an addition but i

1:53:39 a day without it by 6 p.m., I start getting like, oh, you know, you get low blood sugar. It's hilarious. Yeah. Very watered down. Once I started losing my voice, It's caffeine. Dave Foley didn't pretty much run the show. Oh, I saw them live somewhere. big part of that like restructuring entire scenes the first four years the meeting before before And we would add things to each other.

1:56:22 Oh, yeah. It was a really good show, who's fucking hilarious. create that Something he cared about? But the most impressive actress was, and she was so good, Yeah, it was humiliating, too. She said that to me. you're talking shit to somebody at the weigh-ins the difference between that and some lady who's so when i'm doing that i'm like i know what i'm

1:59:49 Yeah, the baseball show was diggity, diggity dog shit. They let you say, I'm going to change these lines a little bit. They enjoy it even more. It's, you know, he's one of those guys, man. second worst relationship on that show the second worst yeah he had the second worst yeah phil had the worst that was the other thing trying to hang out Yeah. Because that movie, he's casting that movie,

2:02:03 When it's a chick, and the chick's making making mad money and on TV in front of the camera. Yeah. Death. That's their breeding. What did you think he was going to do? Well, what I fell in love with you was your love for abortion, and now things are changing. and you know this is This could end ugly. What? But the job is available that I come over your house 2 o'clock in the morning, drink your last nappa, and you suck my dick. That job's not available. But the job is available that I come over your house 2 o'clock in the morning, drink your last napple, and you suck my dick.

2:04:40 He goes, if that's the kind of relationship we have, you can't get mad at me that I don't want to make it something different. She was living there now. I mean, honestly, So that's good luck to you. So you felt like if you got close to her and you were hanging out together, sex would probably happen. Like a Cat Stevens song. They couldn't find Bart. It sounds like Missing Persons

2:06:06 It was like Yeah Have you gotten back with an ex What have you done with Ari? I fall in love every once in a while. Something about your feelings, you stupid. Jesus Christ. What's that song? Be careful with your heart. There's no weirdness. Yeah. if I'm going to prove my lack of difficult if a girl has a nice ass to remember all the mean things yeah girl has a great ass

2:09:14 Yeah, ready to fuck. Every guy. And then she gets up to me. Yeah, nature designs it that way. Speaking of enlightened, Just do mushrooms August 9th, 10th, and 11th. As a shroom supporter? It's the dumbest set of rules ever. Sons of bitches. I'm not buying it for people. You know who shouldn't do it? Yeah. It always scared me. Don't get me wrong. Absolutely.

2:12:13 Will do it. so if you overdose, they can give you, Yeah, it's smart. You're not taking an ounce. Next time we'll take more. that's the real problem with things like psychedelic drugs. I don't know why. but he freaked me out. but if you don't do it, What does that mean? and he's following you around in a fucking bulletproof van, Don't do it. I get them out here. I heard from the Joe Rogan

2:14:43 varieties that look like psilocybin mushrooms but are super toxic. You know what the other problem with that Amanita muscaria one is? Right, that's what it is. to a lot of religions it's connected to santa claus it's supposed to be the original santa And apparently you got to catch them in the right area. Probably the ones who cultivate them on purpose

2:16:45 You know, there's Stropharia cubens Yeah. That's what they are. You know, all these ancient religions Really? This John Marco Allegro guy wrote a book called the sacred mushroom and the cross and the reason why it was significant is he was one of the scholars that was and I'll write it with another company. No, Jan Ervin started publishing it again.

2:18:31 I got them from It was at Simpsons as God. No, what? Yeah. Like, what if they found today? A hologram shows up and explains how humans were created. point, human being pops out. in Tahiti. We tell them it's bad. You have such an interesting... like that those videos that he was doing that was very you know jokingly racist and stuff he went You're in a class by yourself, pal.

2:21:40 Metzger's pretty out. Oh, my goodness. War has nothing to do. There's no way around it. You're like, why is there no explanation? their motives and they're super kind they're super honest and they they they live universally Child rape. That could be it, too. No. He was one of the guys that diverted priest pedophiles. Oh. i mean it's amazing that you have one religion and this is a religion that i come from by the

2:24:54 You talk to a Catholic, it's very rare that a Catholic considers themselves a Christian. That's not Arabia. Look, there's people in all sex of life that do Instead of going, It should be their responsibility Agreed. you don't understand the recidivism rates Let's cover it up. There's no other no other options right those are the only two options so why is

2:26:58 yeah they just cover it up i didn't believe sam trippley was on the podcast and he was talking It would save them a dollar a car. you're better than that, What kind of car Free of that now. He's got a second one here for his wife. assholes. UberX is just comedians. I asked them once. They have to get special insurance and I think they've if you drive all over,

2:29:11 Yeah, but if you murder and kill somebody, on a password-protected phone, No, they would know in the system they came to pick you up. Moto X. No, not the Moto X. What's the other one? Oh, you're addicted. i didn't really go online didn't really read too much just chilled relaxed great feeling great your phone behind. there's a man in the room playing piano.

2:32:00 all over a person's body Very pixelated, but still fascinating, right? Yeah, a lot of people. Doug Benson had made him sick. and I'm like, where the turns are coming it doesn't even, I tried super hard, but I got sick at the end. she's looking at you yeah but is that? Some ancient medieval shit? People are now starting to be like, are into old cars.

2:34:18 they have these noodles. They would. Fuck it. Is that it? I think so. use the code word rogan save 10 off any and all supplements we'll be back tomorrow with um the guy And we have a show tomorrow night. Sarah Tiana, Tony Hinchcliffe, and myself, and you. If you're listening to only this part of the podcast, you're allowed to do that,