Joe Rogan Experience #5150002 — Ari Shaffir Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The 209, bro. Are you ready? Yeah. So you were about to tell some crazy noodle story. But they were like, two, Ni hao and shesher. Yeah. Shesher? Yeah. one of the guys from the the matrix movie is was the word for beef who's the black guy from the Like, there's 18 things. The amazing racist is saying this. The comments are the best. So the noodles.

3:01 Put your email in here and then just send it to me. it was going around so it's not common but it was possible so it's not like that's the only way they do it no but the street places were like you run a risk here it's not common, but it was possible. So it's not like that's the only way they do it. Give me some gutter oil. She works in the streets of the southern Chinese city of Shenzhen,

4:41 Her slop eventually winds up in a processing plant like this one, The high profit margins from gutter oil production have proven irresistible. after people living nearby notice a nauseating stench Chopping it out a little bit. is accept it. In our current I have never almost grown up. Yeah, that's amazing. But you might have had some gutter oil. said it was like, yeah, I ate it for a little while.

7:26 It's not good enough. This one boy was screaming because his dad sold his brother away. Yeah. concerned with who gets this. They just don't think about it. mortgages over there. Do they have mortgages? Plopping sound. And helped people get through eating things. And you got nauseous from that. blump, what is horrible? Yeah, they were in containers underneath the restaurant.

9:46 Motherfucker. Ari was talking about how you go into these bathrooms and there's a hole in the ground. Don't do it. Just play that noise alone. Gutter oil? shoe polish yeah it does so you can't really tell oh yeah it's like man it's fucking me up like yeah Just rub it on there. They come around businesses sometimes. When are you in a business? Yeah.

12:16 Research. Yeah, literally anything. There's too many of them. Another one comes by. If you look online, Oh, yeah. Something. They laugh at us. They should have just hacked his legs off with an axe. They should have came over. Left the leg in there. Fucking idiot. The fireman had to come and get him out. They should have just hacked his legs off with an axe. They should have came over

14:22 Just let me try to get my right leg out. First of all, why do you have a vagina sculpture in Germany, you fucking weirdos? but isn't that funny that for whatever reason like it's a bad thing to have a vagina sculpture Oh, if you're an angel, forget about it. Yeah, look at this. how to get him out of that thing. Oh, wow. Climbed in like an idiot It does

16:15 Looks like it 22 firefighters Lube up his legs. people you didn't really talk too much you didn't talk to them much barely the only ones that spoke Oh, really? Still a vibe there. In that area. saying that is different. go fucking crazy. That's the guy. Maybe, I'm wondering. They're not fat. They're all real thin. Like, too thin almost super into them. Probably. They're there all the time. They're not fat.

19:14 Oh, no. What he calls McTits. The McTits theory. That the ones who ate a lot of McDonald's food. But if they live off McDonald's, they have tits. By the bay For one day We're going to enjoy our day off. And that you've got to force yourself That's so cool. Yeah. You got to get off. But that's how lazy they are about not taking names down. Remember that comic about a rapist?

22:18 Yeah that guy's in jail forever right That's it. No. It's a comic. Oh, my God. Who's Adam Richman just got acquitted. Adam Richman, the food guy? No. No. Or raping. Well, a lot of people find Adam Reichman annoying. he said he was put your fucking dick away fucking TMZ stuff and i was like come on trying to get in her pants and she goes no no like kissing was as far

24:28 But we've all been in that situation where a girl's like, no. Oh, and they just give it to you. Fuck yeah! But it's everywhere. realize that that's not everybody it's like we were talking about earlier in the podcast that Maybe it's one out of ten. You go to a bar, you don't get an option. Oh. So, you know, the stats are all skewed. Not really. I mean, who the fuck knows it's true? It also could be just, you know, it's, who knows?

27:17 And then a few months later, she accused someone else of raping her. I feel like, I think you did too. I don't want to speculate because I wasn't there. What if the same amount of violence happened to you because of... Then it's the same crime. With what? Wow. Be callin' about it. Comes out. Joey Deezer would probably say a similar thing thing Bill Cosby ain't drugging any of those bitches

30:01 Everybody keeps telling me He's a million right now. I was too scared. You've got to be more honest on stage. Family Feud. The other guy who was on Hogan's Heroes was the host of Family Feud. Before him. Yeah. Richard Dawson. Richard Dawson. He was a British POW. with a three piece poking Bruce Lee doing karate on him I gotta believe so. Oh, Jackie Chan.

32:56 you. You pick out a fabric, they measure you. Yeah. So he's been there Yeah, they pick out a fabric, That's what they did for me for the UFC. It won't fit better than that. They make them for regular people. Yeah. It moves real good. fabric, so it doesn't feel bad that it's tight. Like, Jesus. Slick suits. Chicks do that man in, like, fucking cool suits. Like, Jesus.

34:33 They try to get me to wear those. Yeah. Left and right. And he got a crazy deal. Yeah, and so I had a development deal with Fox at the time. You're going to tell me what it is? And there was like a two-guy team, and this guy got a development deal, but he was horrible. what's up with that he goes he's trying once you think he's wacky oh like who It was about an immortal guy.

37:10 I was in the office with the Fox people when they brought it to me. And they're like, well, I mean, it's important. Well, there's guys who know how to write movies or books that are really good at story structure. Stories are important, being funny stories are important but I was like, oh yeah, those lines are terrible. I don't audition for things.

39:09 well maybe it's just that's how to handle it and have fun alright I'm never but that's how they make who just whips it out about detaching yourself from that ridiculous system. and have a draw. Like I stopped even caring. me to use social media you can do this without without the tv the the approval of some guy got me really into Twitter, which got me... I'd always had a message board but that's also when brian and i started working together and he started creating videos

41:43 those videos that brian used to do or whether it's a blog entry, Everyone should check it out. It was a long time ago. So they had a Wi-Fi cellular data. on your phone. You can look at it on your He wasn't doing that at the time. everyone's got a podcast, It's not going to make you massive. It didn't come from TV shows. You don't need anybody's approval anymore.

44:13 because we all support each other, great he was so happy he was so happy took the gun out of his mouth for like a week and a half He did the River Creek Casino with me. because we already had will just come back. Yeah. Good people. hunting thing. Oh, nice. Yeah, and Hunter was up there doing Yeah. They talked you out of it? They got you Dude, this is the internet.

46:26 in Colorado Amazing, right? We were talking about that tries to like, Inside their shoes, their dicks are falling off. what is he disinfo six months She probably realized she's got to get out of that business. What are you talking about? He's worried about what will happen if it goes super Republican? They don't go moderate. They go hard. And then people are like,

48:47 And then we realize. as evidence that the alien invasion is imminent. other than if there was aliens. It would be planet versus planet. Perhaps we need some outside universal threat. People fucking hated him Jimmy Tingle He was just starting to become political Just eating it. Less than a year. Go home. 2020. And Doug Benson was up there bombing on 2020.

51:40 I would have eaten a plate of shit up there too. And he said, did you sell arms to Iran? jot it down. There he is. There you go. Yeah. Yeah. So Sussman decided to take my tape and then he would send it out you've got to act now. you know, this guy at this executive, this fucking network, this fucking thing. This was 1993, right? to la and talking to these people gary valentine stayed in my hotel room with me because gary was

54:50 Kevin won Star Search, Kevin James is a very underrated comic, Development deal. What? $150,000? Well, he was also pissed off because we're not going to do that again. It's like, sometimes. Not anymore, you know. The idea that your one network is valuable is preposterous. It's over. And they created Jenny McCarthy was Yeah. Carmen Electra. This is all when I was an open mic-er, this shit was going on.

57:23 What was that other show? It made Adam Sandler. Where's Ken Ober? Fucking Verizon will not turn on my internet service. Heart attack? Probably a contestant maybe Ken Ober's basement Yeah, something like that. Wow. And that's sort of what made him. God damn, the 80s were weird. You're in front of a fucking computer. Really? Wow. on your network they wanted to break it up a bit.

1:00:09 She's 47. God, she's cute. I know I was on at least once. Oh, Remember he got in trouble for saying that we're cowards for fucking launching. this is why we wanted to come here. What the fuck are you talking about? three times all day long I'm supposed to come on Saturday. you're like, Three days I've given up just waiting there for people to don't show up.

1:02:56 Really? Put up her recent pics. the other day Time's a motherfucker. Yeah. I'm confused. oh yeah eventually yeah That's your legacy. Time gives no fucks. Yeah, what did that feel like? It's mountainy forests. Like, oh, guys, do we even know which way is the end of this? And the men walk around like that. Keep your clothes on. It was so hot and so humid and so many

1:06:14 The Great Wall of Is that right? That's like some pyramid level shit, right? That's so crazy. extended sections what yeah why would they keep building a wall they do this a lot where Greater Great Wall. That's what it says. Is that what it says? Length Announcement of China 2009. Extended sections. They replace the stuff. I don't know. I went outside Beijing.

1:08:06 Oh. Tear down the wall. Fuck you. And they're patching up the body. been here this object it's just a really soft stone and it's like it's all worn out and shit I found a page that was in Egyptian. That's not what the feet originally looked like. desert and then they shape it it's like it comes up out of the ground like a rock structure this They're making their own shit.

1:10:43 And that one of the pharaohs was like yeah weird head man he's got He had like an elongated skull. see if you can find out who his father i think his father was uh i want to say tut moses but i Look at his fucking head. You know, like some people have strange lips. Bob Suro maybe. Cotton. Was Tutankhamen Akhenaten? Stop right there. It was this black player that he played with at Florida State that went to the pros afterwards,

1:13:44 What if you're a black guy and you're going bald? Do you think they do something about that? And the thing about South Korea. that's called. What do they look like with their eyes closed? Bobby Lee? like, Yeah. Wow. Isn't this ridiculous? It's like one of the rare instances That's pretty Akhenaten. Yeah. She went to what to wow. Yep A lot of shit on her

1:16:42 There's a phrase for it She's a dime. Yeah, there's a whole website dedicated it's called 30 startling before and after south korean plastic surgery pictures Yeah. Yeah, he looks a lot better Please uh and then the image of the kids and the image of the woman she was stupid hot at the end look Can't do it to babies, though. Fat little foul-faced smile son.

1:19:19 Weird, right? Okay. Yeah. I can do it beautifully. It's probably false. Motherfuckers. It's great. In like two years. Remember? I turned around and waved to them. You remember? Yeah. Like the giant stage. And they go, okay, we're going to seat, we're going to put the seats on the stage. There was at least 150, maybe 200. And they party. They party hard.

1:22:24 We did a show in a hockey rink. Really? That's cool. Yeah, it's like they look at Edmonton like, oh, look at him up in the city. Ha, ha, ha, ha, yeah. It was tough because it was echoing a lot, Fuck yeah, it matters. They don't do shows up there. All right. He kept it in his apartment. 540 bucks or something. Yeah. What went down? Oh, good. God damn.

1:24:37 Okay. At Union Hall, but there's only like 40 seats. Oh, she's going to love her. Really? All right. Oh, and my sponsors are awesome. Ting. All right. Much love. Big kiss. See you soon.