Joe Rogan Experience #527 — Ms. Pat Transcript

Transcript

0:00 music don't don't fuck with nick diaz's voice today very big special What's going on? Well, that's true. I don't give a fuck. Did you feel that? That was 20 years ago. You never see black people outside of abortion clinics. And I remember seeing these people outside of it and they would, Have you noticed that everybody's gone? tricky subject man you know because it's like at what point in time should it be okay like

3:27 Well, you obviously made it. a married man. Whoa. Boy. I met him when I had my first kid by a married man. Whoa, boy. I might not be fuckable today, Joe, You got a baby with him. You never met a teenage mom? They didn't have the life. have that attitude like that everybody on welfare is just just lazy like that people don't need to If the mama get it as a good chance, the daughter might get it.

6:07 success ever. If you can learn from your own mistakes, impart your life's wisdom on your I had nobody to look up to. So her oldest daughter graduated because they're the same age right after my daughter did. But Nobody else. I mean, I had a niece because I had my sister, four kids. So her oldest daughter graduate because they're the same age right after my daughter did.

7:16 If you're around a bunch of people that are real friendly, you're more likely to be friendly. drunk people, just bullshit that you figured that out like how old were you when you decided to have these like really high She said that? i can do without it i bought up my fist and i said to myself this love bitch i can do without it i I get better, and I call him.

9:45 Oh, my God. So if he shoot you You have to be Then I turn around Where were you sitting when this happened? Yeah. My mama put a pistol in monk's face, so he came back and shot i'm like shut the fuck up you're gonna get me arrested In a drive-by. There's no beating it. I couldn't get a job. That's here and there. my mama as an alcoholic. I mean, that's what it looks like.

13:14 doing stand-up um i went to the welfare office and uh to get my food stamps and welfare recertified out laughing. And I was like, what the fuck I mean, at the time, I was trying to get my life back together. Well, she the first one to kind of put it in my ear, yeah. to tell it on stage i can laugh about it now you know people look at me having oh you know sleeping

15:14 Just doing what a 16-year-old supposed to do. You don't want nobody to steal your daughter's childhood. That's what's fucked up. husband or the man who gave uh got you pregnant maybe like in his that is not my fucking husband certificate because on there i'm 14 and he's 22 and my daughter went to get her birth certificate What the fuck are you talking about?

18:18 You know, he's not going to decipher that. Well, my body truly wasn't 14. It's just, it's hard to get your shit together, you know, but you getting your shit together in your situation, that's more impressive than anybody, any normal person in any other situation. I tell my kids all the time, you don't know how fucking good you have it. Yeah. A lot of people don't.

20:05 your neighborhood like there's spots in the world where you can go to right now where you might as you were watching the strain that tv show. That TV show. That FX show. But as a show, it's awesome. They meant to make it And these people get out Your life, That would be the apocalypse for her. Yes, it would be. it's airborne. that's no joke those hemorrhagic viruses when i did that uh sci-fi show uh questions everything

23:14 and they're constantly changing and growing, on the planet every single person i said there's enough anthrax to kill every person he goes actually did it. just the soldiers not just the people that were you know the politicians who are causing the war think it would be an issue but when you see shit like what's going on in israel today you see these

25:56 it's out of our mind. Crazy shit can go down like that any part of the world People are posting on their lines. hitting it and this other kid that's a little older comes up nobody there's no Yeah, the ghetto's way better. it's really really really fucking good but it's all about the favelas of brazil and how the violence to incredibly poor. Damn. be going down there that's happening right now so there's always somebody that's got it worse

28:58 somewhere, it's possible here. Yeah, there's a lot of problems financially. the number one problem that i have with right-wing people this pull them up by their bootstraps I don't know, other than what you did, though, People don't take from other people. People don't sell drugs. So I had to be taught that from my husband. Yeah, you stand on the corner.

31:43 When we do shows, let's call it, yeah, we're going to do a trap this weekend at the ice house. And I was like, he was like, you got to see this show. right you know his mama didn't play that shit you weren't selling drugs you wasn't running the talked to me and i and i would listen i remember i had a lot of drugs one day and um he was like the business well she was young when i got her She was like maybe 10 and they would haul the drugs for me over the years.

34:25 was on crack so i took them in here i am she i think they're 11 and i'm fucking 15 they thinking i had a whole little system going so when you decided you you meet your husband you say you I say, you can have the whole trap. And with a learner's license, you need a licensed driver. So I would hire a crackhead for a day. Different crackheads. Hey, you got a driver's license, you need a fucking, you need a licensed driver.

35:59 That's how I learned how to drive. Just necessity. So I guess I got those skills from him. the rock while i'm riding around with run dmc and whoever was out at the time you know info He said, but I'm not going to lock you up until you're 17 Your ass go to jail at 17 in Georgia. And so it should have worn for me. out of this business no I was like fucking I thought I was fucking aquapon I was untouchable

39:21 And I was out that night. Like, come fucking get me. Can't go forward with this information. They're still crooked. Who is that? I think there should be rules, most certainly. But I think that kind of power, I think there should be rules most certainly, They get more crazy as they get older. But you wear the robes. you doing man and they catch home my foot went flat he's just a guy he's just a guy no one

42:20 Let the entire country vote on every goddamn thing that gets done ever. as far as, like, prosecuting people. fucking old jail no i don't want to visit accotrans i've been to jail before i know what it looked i chose but what i went through i did not have a bond with my daughter has a bond out of this world. Why? I was like oh fuck how stupid am I So that's another thing that did not allow her to bond with me.

45:31 here they had proposition eight proposition eight is that what it is the bible it's religion yeah It's almost like a white dude and his daughter bring home a black dude. know she just saw so fucking much that i think, you know, fucking like, fuck men. That's my first boy. And I love the hell out of her. I said, We talk and I love the hell out of my daughter.

47:44 Paula, She's stand-up. She was there. like if only you knew what I did to get you to this point you broke a fucking cycle that has for you know you don't really know what the fuck you want to do. You want to go and get high and fuck the first year. Yes. In somebody else's self. What defines bad pussy? I don't know. How long have you been doing stand-up?

51:15 georgia dome when michael vick first became our our quarterback so i'm making a ton of money i told i told a story about my brother was a professional cat burglar but he was fat You know how the black people do this shit. It must elevate. Right. And so when my husband got a transfer to it was either Detroit, St. Yeah, roaches. So it forced me to open up to my life that I had, which was way more interesting.

54:01 Yeah. Last year with no gun. You know, you think people are going to fucking. you and now yeah getting famous you could handle it better yes you know so when i got the indian She was I'm not going to say she was stupid. She didn't know shit like she couldn't read. Yeah. Wow. She shot at me one time. up so we would have to be there to lift her up so i knew i wanted to talk on the phone my baby dad

57:26 talking to my baby daddy. She shot at you So I was like, if you don't stop shooting, who the fuck going to get you off the floor? She didn't give a fuck. God. Probably four or five. So to get rid of the pain, I just kept putting it in the back of my head. time i was like hurry up probably eight i was like uncle cecil put it into this fucking crazy family he should beat her she doesn't believe in god holy shit and she's

1:01:18 fuck and she used to talk shit to the security guard this is back before the projects were really He on the way. Like, if she be talking, that bitch fall over. track too fast right and one time she had a 64 chevy that used to bounce and she loved like old neck up is that where you would draw the line i would have went and picked her neck up i helped

1:04:20 so he shoot up what i thought was diabetic medication he get butt ass naked joe run over to me bend over and was like rabbit get the rat out of my ass so i'm looking up this We learned later that he was shooting heroin. Two, three. So two or three days a week did he shoot drugs? Shit. Two, three. He got on heroin. Wow. It was more interesting to sit on my back porch and it was real.

1:06:33 When you're in that situation, nothing else seems what you're doing. They don't even know what that is. And you were a person who figured out how to live in your wild world. and where you were living, craziness. and dealing drugs, and this guy's running around naked. Please do. Yes. Nobody gave a fuck. I'm like, huh? And then he started i go home and tell my mom i got a job downtown jacking white men's dicks for a hundred dollars

1:09:47 That might be My mother-in-law I mean, once you only have four teeth, it's like, what is really cute? What city is this again? I remember that shit like yesterday. I only did it because I wanted to play Pac-Man. You being this normal person now, you know, as normal as you can be, having children that are doing great, living in the suburbs, staying calm.

1:12:17 But I had a teacher named Miss Troop that would tell me, Patricia, get here earlier and I will bring you clean clothes and I will comb your hair. That's crazy. She must be blown away. I tell that story later on in life on stage. So, you know, when you become Chris Rock, they'll take anything from you. i would tell these stories and people be like wow and. And I still have people be like, want to cry.

1:15:00 My sister been smoking crack from day one. yet. But god i can't even imagine so you start 11 years ago you start telling this I became a comedian. You know, anybody can talk. i was never funny to him i was always serious and he said people just laughed at what i said That was the dude before me. and they smash my boob you can see the uh the gun the what is it called the gun the the fragment

1:18:48 What do you call them? Or the tits. Oh, no. Yeah. Like, just everywhere you go, you have to put 100 pounds on your shoulders. that told him he can live off water i was like look at your fucking titties they're fucking just gone you need to eat something No, he didn't do no lemon. Who's that? to one month or so without food so this guy went 40 days he like probably hit the boundaries he

1:22:31 do you get mad on sunday why does chick-fil-a have to be so religious they can't be open on sunday Jatin Das, maybe. pronouncing this j-a-t-i-n das d-a-s jatin das maybe um it was 116th day of his fast My husband built the transmission for Allison Transmission. his skin you know I traveled you losing a lot of weight dude he uh he started to like fruit he went into fruit first he's real gentle yeah that's gotta be a big

1:25:10 And it just said, you have $5,000 worth of traffic tickets. trying to lose weight But I mean, all that's due to your, it's a diuretic, right? It's the po' bitch diet. Caffeine fucks my breasts up. When you drink too much caffeine, it fucks with your titties. Breasts feel full, swollen and heavy. Some women get it from eating chocolate, drinking caffeine or eating high fat foods it causes their symptoms uh but according to this uh medical page

1:28:17 So I was like, just check my damn titties. I be like Oh that's all it is good lord and they burnt my vagina joe and they were beatboxing for like three weeks it was a What kind of healing was going on there? either burn the inside of you or they give you a hysterectomy and I didn't want a hysterectomy This extra things that women have to worry about.

1:30:30 They have pills for that. It's still got some grip. Beyonce don't have any, does she? And then some people, is like that. need to stop fucking before it's about to dry out. Take that whole shit off. It's it's the porn that people are trying to get the porn look, you know, like the perfect. Everybody wanted their labia, wasn't it? you think about like pornography is so it's so bright and visual you know like if you got a

1:33:35 They're showing you things moving. No, I don't need it, Joe. I think her name was Houston. She was also one of the first people to ever do a gangbang. bunch of times they like go through the line and they keep going and you know they act like a new And what did somebody do? He's probably had it dried out. Yeah. I mean, think about fake breasts. Oh, no, no, no.

1:36:35 So over the years, like so think of how many, look at this, I mean, I don't like generalizations. very close at least very close i mean really close when it's all said and done they're almost exactly the same like that no no no no no there's a lot of before Just send your husband. But it's just, it's very strange that they're all adopting this uniform look.

1:38:19 She's like a little boy. They change the lids. Kenny Rogers. I fucking like country music. He's pretty open about it, I think. caught a uh a manta ray you know what a manta ray is and he pulls it in from the water and uh there's And when I tell you that she looked like a monster, like I am not exaggerating. caught this big ass manta ray but this lady came running and when i saw her as she approached him

1:41:26 I don't know who he was or who she was, but it was the arrogance of this crazy lady running up to these guys. This idea that this guy on the side is going to do anything to the population of the manta rays. different they're a unique species I oh yeah they're kind of cool yeah but you fast they probably have i don't know how they do it Look at his eyes

1:43:00 Where it just looks and not a good different. Putting stuff and things in their ass. Cooking oil With some captions on it I don't know. they're scarred for life. from here to here. Couldn't get it. Joe said I have beautiful lips. They're getting them too. Weird. Yeah. You botched plastic so they I was watching one last night her ass inside out and it was a bad job.

1:45:59 I mean, but when it was turned the right way, the ass was nice and curvy. But hers, she got the really big ones, the ones that were like the size of basketballs. Everybody goes too far. and they get those basketballs I don't have time to be fucking cutting off my labials, my vagina lips, That's why God gave you hand. reactions it's a different feel to it like you you were talking about, it's like a... Gummy bear boobs. Yeah.

1:48:28 You're not supposed to have titties. there's a lot of people it might work but it might not work. Yeah, right? So you got nice tits but can't open your hands. I think we're so close to them being able to figure out how to do stuff without it. Now I shave it. Y'all white people, stop getting hair transplant. don't got it like this shit is sold up not anymore not anymore not anymore white dudes are not allowed

1:52:06 So you have a good one and him having a bad one is offensive to you? This is sewn in. The party was over. what do it look like do you you look like? No, no. Cotton candy year. They'll take it from there and put it up there. like crazy they're pretty close to being able to figure that out because it's some sort of a giant It's so freeing, and I truly do not give a fuck.

1:54:43 let it go and look like he looked like a bottle top opener. So he was good until he went, to wear pretty close i mean richard pryor suck no oh i didn't turn gay for two weeks i read richard book If you stop and think about what was going on in the 70s, think about all the people that are allegedly involved in gay shit. You done turned it inside out.

1:56:40 I'm going to go over there and play with this dick and see if I can do the same thing to a dick. Yeah, I think for a lot of dudes, it probably is that. it in the dishwasher whatever fuck you do with it right so i host this dildo party so they give me if you don't get that He's like, it turned him off? color girls in a pink bedroom so when you walk around

1:59:25 Not Rosa Park. Probably because it's a soft color. When I was little, I wanted to be white because I watched the Leave it to Beaver. yeah pink they don't know they have no idea they have no idea it's most commonly associated with which original, because it's so bizarre. They just did it back then. Now. It wasn't always That's totally true Franklin's outfit was considered gender neutral.

2:02:37 Yeah, look at his little booty shoe. You really detail. that's fascinating to me it's that I don't ever hang out in. So if a man came in with, like, male UPS shorts on, I mean, really tight. It's right there That's what make people tune in She's starting to hit the wall. Woman's been a hunter her whole life, and she's kind of pretty. caribou it's a in the deer family caribous didn't come to the ghetto no no they barely come to alaska

2:05:59 I tell you, You want my son to grow up and bleed something? So she's like, don't not tell kids it's not Santa. is the weirdest one. That's a failed attempt at a joke oh my mother-in-law won't won't uh won't celebrate halloween because she's super christian and that's the devil's you shouldn't, like, my mother-in-law, Ah! You've been in black houses with the black leather couch. Sculpture.

2:08:17 She's super safe. in your house how come nobody knows who rosa parks is nobody knows what she looks like i got this photo of rosa parks mugshot up on the wall and everybody thinks that it's a chinese lady lady that said no she said fuck this I'm sitting right here bitch became fit boy they fucking mentality well if you stop and thought about it for a second like how how recent slavery was it

2:10:35 1865, that's not that long ago. That's like a guy has, a woman gives birth to a child, the child gets raised, has children of his own. Three generations of birth to death. You could just buy them. Yeah. Can you imagine owning a person in your backyard? how they look at it look you had it bad your mama didn't have shit come on over here suck a few That's awful.

2:13:22 A 12-year-old. a 12-year-old Yeah. the most that was the biggest scam in the ghetto those dinners were putting teeth gold teeth on those crooked because i was just telling my friends i said what is it with black people that are run out and buy It don't work like that. Who the fuck got a fake Ferrari? and you know you know i was gonna get a gold grill when i was a drug dealer but i had a friend was

2:16:33 he was just my brother he'll build it i got two brothers with the same name they're not twin I was like, what the fuck? was Jack Kennedy. I know a Jack that was That's the dude that shot you? Yeah. Is that hardware store? Yeah. So here's me as a drug dealer. That's a child with children. And so I didn't want to come to the stage rabid. i like miss my name is patricia it's very well it's very easy to remember too and it's it's

2:19:50 They was like, no bitch. I'm like, can one of you fucking white boys rob a bank You don't want to fucking change your litter box. It fucking dries my vagina out. I have two cats. My mama had one chicken in the backyard. His name was Cuckoo. of people have chickens for they kill them and eat them but i didn't know i made friends with of George Bush.

2:22:36 I gotta get out of here. and still come back and do Fear Factor. They don't give a fuck about us. Right. are tough and prices for things are expensive and people would do you really think that people don't know why why are you here then you're here because we want to help you we you hear because we found It's like when people talk about like online like commenters on YouTube and shit like that

2:25:42 Like people would say shit to me. I said, You probably like fucking frozen cucumbers up your ass, Because if he doesn't have frozen cucumbers up his ass, he's in a clear. Like, you're Miss Pat. if you're in a room like say if you were in a room you're talking to me and then someone who's a This doesn't concern you. Yeah, likes and dislikes is pretty easy, but comments sometimes are interesting.

2:28:19 and I am less. If that baby want to have nappy hair and her parents want her to have nappy hair, that baby hair was nappy or whatever you want to call it. It's a situation that's never supposed to happen. Like, you're 69EatMe. But it doesn't mean that people are fucked up. me all these fucking coupons then she sent me all these fucking uh little things for clothes for fat girls

2:30:31 Okay, big, okay. animals and zebra zebra pants why is that i don't Why do you think we want to look like a bear or some shit? serious my husband don't want to see my big old ass walk around no leopard panties no leopard bra Okay. Yeah, but I'm lazy. Everybody got that one thing that they can't accomplish right off. I went straight to Chick-fil-A. I think Weight Watchers is the best. Have you ever tried Weight Watchers watchers have you ever tried weight watchers i can't count no fucking points i'm busy you know i got a gd i can't keep

2:33:12 Absolutely. I'm going to ring a bell. niece in my niece was homeless with four kids she's 23 years old so i said okay i raised her when you hit stress the first thing you do when you hit like a real bad patch is to go back to please do y'all please Y'all know my Twitter. As in girl comedian. comes up msp8 and i have a um instagram facebook and my website is miss pat comedy miss pat comedy

2:36:15 Dayton funny bone yeah funny bone I'm in Dayton yes a great room on your website? And thank you to the fans the fuck is joe rogan and look i'm here beautiful avery made it real avery diligent at morty's Ice House Chronicles. You might be the Rosa Parks of this podcast. I'm the first one. Thanks to honor.com. If you don't get the sriracha cashews, you're a sucker.

2:38:29 We'll be back soon. Joey Diaz. Yeah, definitely.