Joe Rogan Experience #531 — Nick Youssef Transcript

Transcript

0:00 And what are the comedy dates you got coming up, Brian? Prepare yourself. Yeah. I enjoy doing shows down there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. idiocy that you get, they they re-edited all the old episodes of cops like and like made them HD and I mean, wacky shit happens in Florida. But if you were a vice cop oh every on their head at least on some of the officers,

2:46 beat that lady up on the side of the freeway you've seen that one yeah that is fucked holy I mean, you might get hit with some clawing at you and shit, but you could hold her in place, and nobody has to get hurt. have to yes otherwise you're a dead man brian yes is running an option because i'd like to just run away Isn't there some police force That makes so much more sense.

4:59 Ever. Yeah, in real life. What's Com's going on in my hometown, cops. You could just stream it in real life. A cop uses a GoPro to film a traffic stop of a lieutenant cop. There's like a hierarchy like that's like a weird thing the rank thing for police officers like that's some military as they get better at their job, One year, the use of force have dropped 60%.

6:41 It's all about accountability. But the neighbor's lights are all on. your job that's cool that's a crazy job it's hard for anybody i think to expect that people that go through that job on a daily basis are perfect or they should be held to the same standards That's a real convenient way to look at it, to just decide they're just inherently violent.

8:41 like yeah i don't have to listen to you oh Oh, don't you fucking bitch? Listen to this. That's why it surprises me get the guy to the window and yeah put the gun down norman you know there's a lot of cops here you know it'd be like the guy Yeah, it's like who's closer to the crime. i've never just been like hey officer nice nice to see you today i've never done that that's funny

10:56 And that's all he was doing. Ted Bundy. There's a lot of Jiu Jitsu guys like you would never know. Look like all-American boy. Hi. know it was a complicated tent they got like fucking posts and shit and they're folding Like, I had a girl that I was dating when I was in high school And she got in trouble for it. I almost can't stop. this idea of stealing something and they can't help it joey diaz used to do it all the allegedly

14:19 It's not even like, oh, I need this thing. First of all, when you're 17, you're essentially insane. and it becomes like your whole life becomes obsessive when you're young. I'm almost 18. and some of them sniff paint Should be 40. So I think a lot of people also treat cops with disdain. Oh, yeah, with the fully automatic weapons? Do you remember that, Brian? Oh, yeah, that north hollywood shootout remember that shit oh yeah with the autumn fully automatic weapons do you remember that brian oh yeah it was like a video game dude

17:10 This is a different guy, Brian, isn't it? There were some videos before of him like fully armed up giant of go in house to i'd like i have an iphone i can Pretty sweet as far as world history goes. there are in this country and then that we have military bases in like 100 plus of those countries. It needs to be breached. they got factions going at each other unless they here. See, anything can happen here once it happens here.

20:35 I think people are tending to go in only one direction with the idea. would think that i would want that gopro on me at all times oh yeah yeah i think that would i think Right. doing something that he could correct him on yeah you know like if you didn't if you didn't do Because I would just think, like, I do not want this dude, like, developing a grudge, you know.

23:39 So there's like a certain amount of respect that you have to give each other and you have John Jones and Daniel Cormier got in this huge scrap at a press conference. And John immediately, I guess, you know, it's a wild scramble, a colliding oh my god pile of bodies dan is on vacation he wasn't even there yeah yeah this can't happen i can't do that they're always doing

25:52 but it's just so bad high profile fight and it was pretty hot yeah it's sexy i saw where you're looking It's huge. of competition and yes it is fighting as a competition but it's not violence the same way World star. to see it like whoa i'm not going to pretend that that's not fun you know i'm not going to be amazing no matter what happens but since it did happen and i got to see it like

28:39 I think there's a lot of people that aren't fans wild ass fight, though. like Donkey Kong's I mean, Dana's on vacation. The official statement. We will contact you. Have you been This is the fourth one just aired on Sunday. I didn't remember that part, It really ropes you in. It's fun. type thing where we watch creature from the black lagoon because it is so ridiculous first of all

32:04 That's so great. comes a creature to confound science Perfected three-dimension. I do remember that. The bridge between fish and the land now hasn't changed in millions of years or until somebody else gets killed What's he doing? Some monster in a creek Right? Yeah. They run. he's going to be walking It's very hot. Halloween. Even when they were bad, they were good.

36:05 Nobody knows what he is. Yeah. than anybody in the history of monster movies. Yeah. there's so many cut the shit scenes Was that you? I'm like, Ari, it's a giant lizard destroying Japan or whatever. What was the one with the giant robot warrior ones that came out? together it was very comic book like which you know i think in some cases is fine but the comic

39:29 Yeah, that's where you're like, oh, bathroom time or cigarette or something. Yeah, but it seems like it was a choice, though. The human beings that were in it. It's really good, man. taste okay you can't say it sucks i like we like different things but uh i understand if you think but he's so wacky yeah his reputation precedes anything else he can do from now on but he's he's so so good he's a really good actor yeah he's fucking really good in this movie like you buy it like i don't want to give away the plot but it's a pretty ridiculous plot and

41:34 He just happens to be insane. Because there's so many. Like imagine if there were social media in the fifties, All the DUIs that would be publicized all And he was acquitted, but he never worked again. comedian. Following the trials, He was finally able to return to acting, Doesn't say here what he did. I doubt they printed stuff like that back then.

45:32 website has um one person's version and then the uh fatty arbuckle version are two different Yeah, that's why it was. Ball gag in place. great when people want to go back to privacy when they want to cherish their privacy it's not going I mean, that's how it works, right? How? how do they get internet in Hawaii? 10,000 miles, dude. There's wires everywhere?

48:29 And now it's like there's a cable where I can just like pick up a thing. Like, why can't I watch this in South Africa? that there are certain places, like, Oh, my God. you know oh i need to i made i made a mistake on the last episode i was on when i saw the video of That was a real video, you sweeties angry jews sweeties but uh i think there's some sort of a ceasefire right now right

50:53 one of the things about people in Israel is those motherfuckers love to party. party party and it was like playing the bongo drums and all happy and i was like wow that's a You know, you're over there. that's a good point you think they'd party twice as hard yeah like look we're really living under and all this stuff? and and i'd never seen anything like this growing up in the suburbs of la but like

53:58 military bases like if you have a gig anywhere nearby then you hang out there That's all it's good for. That's what it was doing. And my younger brother because i that could have been me like i could have like lived there and maybe who knows if i would have gotten to age 30 31 32 you know yeah that's absolutely true we're all stupid lucky oh yeah that we landed

56:25 Hemp powder, bro. It's probably just get a little bit of ebola every day you know With a fever, sore throat, muscle pains, and headaches. Most likely. disease efforts to help persons who are infected include giving them either oral rehydration therapy, in tropical regions of the sub-Saharan Africa. dealing with the infectious diseases by far what asked people about diseases like what we really

59:38 was that it would go after young, healthy men. and turn it into some new thing because there are specific protocols and place stop that from yes most likely i'm just being and the next thing you know, boom. Yeah. Spits on their hand and gives you a hand job? She was so hot, she gave me a temperature i think picture man it's freaky the picture is them

1:02:53 of The Incredible Hulk. Looking at them taking that gurney and pushing it in those space suits that's madness like et whoo that's so scary in the worst known outbreak of the disease, I didn't know that this was the worst outbreak of Ebola ever. Both aid workers received doses of an experimental Ebola drug Yeah, it's pretty crazy. Exactly. I'm fine.

1:05:45 Sharing needles. Man, it could happen. That guy did it. Like well everyone's gonna get it anyway Yeah ones those are terrifying yeah we should take these two people that they flew to atlanta and And if they had enough hope in it they injected people with, Fuck it, tobacco. Like, why would you create a vaccine or a drug was because someone poisoned a bunch of people with Ebola.

1:09:14 Yeah for that shit to actually spread like everything doesn't have to be a conspiracy to be totally Six men in a dark, smoky room. Yeah. I've never heard of that. Two, guide reproduction wisely improving fitness the smartest females and breed them Obama is a Muslim. That's interesting. For sure. Prize truth, beauty, love, seeking harmony with the infinite.

1:13:35 Oh, I know. on the structure in eight modern languages and a shorter message is inscribed at the top of the structure Why am I reading this? Nobody cares. Wired Magazine called the defacement the first serious act of vandalism in the Guidestones history. Some fucking kids. I mean, it's death to the new world order. do i get credit yeah what how do i use my credit card yeah you can't just like hit the button and

1:16:14 Enslave the New World Order and force them to work for us Death. you know 1979 like there's no dna there's no credit cards there's no nothing a paper receipt That was super common. Yeah. It's always old people. Yeah, it's always old people. You can do it pretty easily. Yeah. So you have one for like shows and shit when you sell T-shirts? Yeah, I would...

1:18:49 Yeah. No, it's cool. screen, high definition, touch screen, super accurate, but you're still like doing this you making a mark on that screen. all have like codes do you think that the idea of signing things is ridiculous and isn't it kind of that you sign for like cable agreements you know or cell phone contracts or there's literally and all the things that you sign away the second you...

1:21:52 It's, like, something really terrible. they used to be like we will not give out your information and If that, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. they tell you in the documentary if you've spent all the time percent rather that that actually read that thing those should be illegal because you're making people sign things that they're just not reading. any time you want to change this this you're subject to fees you're subject to that and you'll let you find out things like

1:25:53 And I was like, what are you talking about? and there's like a tweet button. everything's going right and then that's how a lot of people get phished for their yeah i could Yeah, you automatically add them probably. yeah it's bizarre like after watching that documentary it made me want to like Ooh. and then any time you go to eBay and make a purchase or do business,

1:29:01 that counts that counts for a lot and because these apps were popular they counted for a lot and he made a lot of money five million whoa yeah mind expanding aspects and we had a we we had a pretty intense conversation about it um because disintegrated it's not a cartoon or it all just vanishes yeah it's all on top yeah exactly it's I have friends that grew up Mormon,

1:31:53 herself it disturbs her she's like I don't know what it is but I have this And she was forced to go, wait, what's going on here well and then she would see the ridiculous Yeah, yeah. about hydraulic fracturing, Fracking's totally real. They make a lot remember like the lines that rod guy And if you don't have a super high-speed camera, it can't capture the bug.

1:34:35 And you can only see them on camera. in real life it's so dumb and he tried to run with a conspiracy oh he made documentaries I'm like, that doesn't even make any sense, man. We should put up a net and try to catch them. They'd be peeling them off of planes. You needed to get the sand system in. and you're going to get heated tweets about it. that are environmentally conscious go,

1:37:05 can't well what we need right now is not hippies what we need now is oil patriotism Let's take a wild guess. That's a really low number. Mm-hmm. I said a million. Wow. that's crazy dude that's scary man how is that a better idea than investing in like solar paneling vertical, hydraulically fractured, not fractured, They have a bunch of different ways that they get the water out,

1:40:42 the eight categories with the obvious exception of not fractured. better to to fucking rape the earth in they probably are better off hiding the information It's worth it. Yeah. I just wish there was a better way to power shit. And the only kid I'd like plant-based oils like you know to take the parts to get the parts to the car manufacturer to deliver the stuff like those

1:44:03 You had to pick up the tire somewhere and drive it. Are they going to use a dam? How are you going to get to Afghanistan? That's what he meant. your cell phone and like i went out to close my chicken coop last night and uh when i used my Use the pyramid as a battery the whole time. I was thinking of bugs the other day because there was a praying mantis that was on my porch that just hung out the whole day.

1:47:02 little life form that shares the world with us that has no morals god like that's that's neutralized soon yeah but there's so many of them yeah before we started Every day at my house. It sucks. I say bee populations are down by 40%. I think bees are going crazy. 30% in the U.S., beekeepers experience losses of 40% or 50% or more. So I guess they hire people to go do that.

1:49:36 If weed was legal, you don't think that people in, like, Portugal That's how they grow almonds?'s insane it's amazing so cool But these colonies were down, and that in order to pollinate all of their plants, That really puts into light how important bees are, something like that. What do you mean? The greatest bee of all time Because it's this There's nature documentaries man

1:52:29 Right. That's like a serious war. The only way they can kill them is they have to overheat them. It doesn't work. until everyone dies. and try to kill it. like a week old like if they're lucky. That's not a honeycomb. Yep. Yeah. Wow. Praying mantis. Praying Manus versus wasp. thing is if only the wasp knew how vulnerable the praying mantis is could in numbers easily sting it

1:56:59 It's a European fucked this wasp up This is worth watching, dude. They fuck wasps. We just don't think about it because they're so small. hippo in front of all the other hippos and there wasn't a goddamn thing they could do about it they They don't play games. That's like... He plants his legs. And this praying mantis is a motherfucker, man. creepy to me because they're mammals yeah if I saw a giant praying mantis

2:00:38 You're like, what planet is this on? Some animal like that. can't like identify with it you're like this is a foreign species and this giant tongue's coming at Yeah, so hummingbirds are scared of them. and the hummingbird gets close and when the hummingbird goes for the food it attacks the It's not like praying mantis. Like they prey on things. Snake.

2:03:50 A praying mantis jacks a snake, a corn snake, about 10 inches in length. incapable of freeing itself from the grip of this six inch mantis that's amazing danger of being No jujitsu Go tell your friends. Praying mantis versus baby. Shit. Praying Manus versus Tarantula. Oh, no. Or that tarantula's head down writhing in pain oh is that the end yeah what the fuck who shut the video up there who

2:06:52 Can you look up what the praying mantis is afraid of? But it's wild to see, man. This one here. The kitten and the praying mantis are fucking throwing down to the death. Swat! pop, pop, pop. Look how tough a praying mantis is. It takes a blow to the head by something That wasn't a jump. I didn't know they had, like, wings yeah look at that thing what a creepy ass alien bug one millionth the size of that cat

2:08:59 It's the mathematical equation. What, bitch? Yeah, probably. Who's their predator? Okay, let's find out. Show that again. Oh, you sound now I can hear it. It's got to be. I mean, it doesn't have any Period. It's gotta be, yeah. It's gotta be. He holds him in side control His head would look like when my girlfriend came outside. kind of looked down at like get away from me it was probably wondering if it

2:11:48 It's crazy. It's so weird. Dude. Yeah. Or the best... Brando before and after his role in Godfather, Oh, he was a handsome man when he was young. What does that have anything to do with what we're doing? I didn't know they did that he almost looks like it like a George Clooney Brad Pitt combo right here he was a handsome man when he was young the shit would probably ricochet right off of it

2:14:11 that was in my yard. Yours is like brown. Wow. So that's what that thing was doing in my yard. The mantis is almost four inches long. Wow. camouflage behavior of the praying mantis. Wait a minute. Oh, that's right. Ew, Jesus Christ. That's And don't think about this black dick coming out of this. Well, it doesn't know what to do either. It's still going.

2:17:49 Totally looks like a snake. That is some alien invasion type shit there. Like, there's parasites out there that live in humans. That's where you can catch it. Look at that face. Look at those eyes. It looks like It's funny. It looks Dude, it's even spiritual. Don't tell Maz Jibani that joke. That didn't even look real. You know what I mean? The fucking things are attacking birds.

2:20:48 They go after cats. Yeah. Like a semi-truck. He's like tucked away in there. Incredible and look at this fly like oh, you know just hanging out nothing bitch Brilliant. You can't see shit. Oh, my God. To take shape as like one of the most beautiful images. Come on you want to bet If they were the size of humans Right We're lucky people can't do that.

2:24:30 Like that character on It's a different person. Ice cream. in all of nature But a bug can just get in your bed, sneak in your house. I would say beetle. This is a gross animal. That's real. Wow. it only lives there. They get pretty big. Like land otters. What does it say in that image? Jesus Christ. Look at that. Damn. Itopod, yeah, that's it. Jesus Christ.

2:27:58 Yeah. my own album it's called uh stop not owning this oh that's a smart way to market it oh yeah really I love watching guys come up in L.A. Tammy Pascatelli, You know, everyone kind of somewhat defended him as being, you know, Here's the deal, though. The Sunset Chuckle Hut. how many historical comedy clubs rival the Comedy Store? is not just it's a good club it's a great club to work at but as far as like like a place where

2:31:32 She helped a lot of comedians. as employees. Letting them it. You're not dealing with rational group you never see ever, ever, ever there. They're not constantly heckling. When you get through that place, the great thing about that is you go anywhere else and They've been there for three hours Wong Wei. Even crowd work sometimes. Yeah. What? I don't know what he's talking about.

2:35:10 you might not take it well some comics are like super sensitive oh yeah because you saw what you interesting but the um you know the improv has guys like that they're there all the time i wonder do stand-up live. I love him. We were on a plane with him once, and all the way on the plane, But the funniest guys are like that, man. sure and this this would be more relaxed there's just too much insanity there with that guy running

2:38:11 I'm the most talented person in this building so happy yeah That's another building likes me. Yeah. a tour are you doing August we're doing one night Bobby Lee, yeah. But he's always been super cool. just because he knows you know he remembers what that was like like yeah doing an not an open mic turn into a pumpkin so everybody go buy nick uses yusuf's new cd and it is what is it called why

2:40:59 I think that helps, right? N-I-C-K. We've got to do it more often. Nick Yusuf, ladies and gentlemen. bad about Squarespace, which is a beautiful thing. And if you go to Squarespace.com forward slash Go to O-N-N-I-T.