Joe Rogan Experience #542 — Greg Fitzsimmons Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience. like as if we were in high school. Nine Inch Nails is from the 90s. True. Like, wow. He did all those album covers. like it was almost like a life-changing event for like a 10 year old or whatever the fuck i was Look, the Insane Clown Posse has the same thing. and they've got all they can sit in a restaurant without getting annoyed yeah that's so true well

3:06 Dude. Half the audience can't handle it. We just wanted to be a part of it all. It's because it's rubber. They push so hard, too. but they probably they do i know they do that shit on purpose like we used to do that like paul penises so they could trim it down. Out of nowhere, one week, somebody had purple hair instead or shorter hair. a lot of the writers and a lot of people that worked on staff and it was weird it's like wow

6:17 Look at me. aging where if you can put enough fat into your face it's like botox and you don't wrinkle and Is that your move? so you can't claim it. Do you ever remember that Kinison bit He did this thing where he says, I just stay up for weeks and do coke. Have you ever heard Marin tell the Kinnison stories? Oh, from just trauma? voices Wow dude for a year yeah he said that Kennison would just redline it all day he was just gone for I was like I wonder what it was like like what what

8:54 The funniest thing about him was that he was a reverend. or anything like that um i don't think it's on itunes man it might be just see if it is just Oh, it's on there. keep that going because it's so awful because he was on the crest of the wave you know the wave a No. heard it no did you ever read fear and loathing no oh it's so good johnny depp was at the comedy

11:35 Yeah. Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. No mix of words or music or memories over the forces of old and evil. Not in any mean or military sense. We didn't need that. That place where the wave great books and then there was just nothing left yeah and then towards the end i mean he was yeah it's insane i mean it's it's i don't know if this was a typical day but this was this one day

14:56 Well, you know, it's sort of like 3 p.m., rise. 4.16, orange juice and another Dunhill. The day. Coleslaw. Cocaine. 11pm That's when he sits down to write. Halcyon, which is a sleeping pill. Yeah, he got wild to the core where there was nothing left but just savage chemicals Yeah, he just he was like this is getting old shit is nice to pressure off. Yeah, he was convinced

18:18 Hits it that night. uploaded in 2002 yeah uploaded uploaded uploaded, Jesus. Uploaded. Uploaded. Yeah. Doctor, your doctor is what? State. How you been? Smoky. All right. Yeah. Well, you're 60 years old now. And does this mean anything to you, turning 60? The one I was thinking of, now that I remember it, yeah he's he was a funny dude me to say well that, well, that's not going to happen. I said, all right, let's do it.

20:59 Art. Shoot a few things. Yeah. But if you go from that to what he sounded like, you know, 60, whatever he was there, 62. No. at 8 o'clock in the morning. Yeah. Yeah, just... where I got just destroyed. Yeah. didn't want to deal with the hangover energy. You're like, you fucking idiot. Yeah. Because then after, there's no hangover after the morning sex.

25:34 Just. You're like, I guess I'm an adult now. Like, you know, all of a sudden at 4.30 in the morning, you're not like, now if I'm up at 4.30 Now you're going to the worst loan sharks, and you're like, listen, listen, listen. You love it too much. And I go, okay. That's all I need to hear. did it but it was kind of a luxury item we were more like a lot of my friends were doing angel

27:55 Never got a hold of. Like the occasional joint would come out if I had a couple of beers, but it was so rare. Because a lot of my friends were into the Grateful Dead. And I was like, what the fuck? And she's on mask. Do-do-do-do-do. Father? Doesn't even stop banging my mom. Think of someone like that banging your mom. Right. Constant motion. Yeah, play it.

31:15 Well, let's see. A lot of that was Phil Spector, that crazy fuck. And he got back to his house he picked He was a sexy dude Fuck yeah This is Phil Spector when he was in court. If he had a couple different wigs. on trial. That was like the 80s, right? Who else died of AIDS? He died too? They nailed him down? it might have been that to go for the big

35:47 That would be huge. Right when the loads get to the egg, the loads crack open the egg and they're like, sorry Let's do it. That is the, You know, I think if you see two cells there, and those two cells could grow to become a person. Yeah. I'm just saying it is a lie. politically acceptable phrases for certain things and abortion you know for abortion the number one

38:55 dimension so i don't think it's our i don't think it's any of our business but as far as that as far like i think he had compared it to like a baby pig i forget what the uh that i forget no more Seems like a nice guy. man. what our lives are the miracle of you know not knowing how the universe works and you know of those categories where you can't question it or one of those categories where it's not

41:58 Can I have that fucking distinction or is it one or the other? a Zionist or an anti-Zionist. I remove myself from that. real question i think is preposterous i mean it's preposterous it doesn't doesn't make any sense walking down main street with my dick out like hell no so i i mean i think that that's the thing or something that you know they would do again it might have been a mistake but it's been framed as

44:54 It's asking a lot. But some woman in the audience yelled out something about anal sex, I'll give you an example. That's a girl who really likes taking it in the ass. And then you've got to put that message out there. You could go 20 years and then all of a sudden, maybe on your 50th anniversary, you try to stick it in her ass, and she's like, thank you, finally.

46:42 Meanwhile, she goes to Harvey's fucking laptop, and it's all bookmarks. Yeah, but you just get things stuffed in your ass until your ass comes out like an unrolling thick wool sock. It's the new frontier. Those kids today today they're nuts Yeah. Maybe. She won best double anal once. nobody would really hold it against you and your mascara's running.

49:57 And she turned out to be pretty intelligent, so she would go on shows. Kim Kardashian. Well, for a while? Oh yeah. Not really. I'll tell you why. Because it's kind of skinny. They're always going to go, the guy's got a dick like John Holmes. It's just finding bigger dicks. Wait a minute. I don't think that's a common practice, son. They're inspecting dicks.

52:10 Those dudes just have giant dicks. But these dudes, even when they're limp, Okay. Like, porn stars inject silicone into dicks to make them larger. I wake up in the morning, there's goats on it! I got to read this on my laptop. Put your hands behind your back. Women in the past have used pumping parties to enhance the sizes of their butts. I'm going to censor it for the home people.

55:02 But these are the type of people that they're nuts Steven St. Croix. and he's only one of many if John Holmes was in one of those gang bangs that they can own a dick that big like what do they do with it when they're not using it they They all have big dicks. These guys have giant dicks. Some of these guys, you can't believe that they can own a dick that big.

56:20 But apparently you can build up tolerance to erectional enhancers like Viagra. This is stuff that's been around forever. I would use Pillsbury dough in mine. and they'll put food on their grill or on the engine block, put it on your engine block, and then the other one you roll If you have a V6, cooking time is only 12 minutes. Well, I had this Volkswagen Rabbit back when I was going from New York to Boston pretty much every week.

59:06 man I wonder if I could it is a huge upside and all I did was Hmm, that's my commuter car now transmission but it was such a hunk of shit it died all the time yeah i was always popping the That's my baby. It was like when I was independent when I was wasn't living with my parents anymore. I had this car That's what I loved. Like I got it, But that was the first car that I had that was like, this is just going to get me where I want to go.

1:01:47 Because you've been a fucking bleachers. AMC Sprint. Yeah, it, no. That looks like a hatchback. That's not the same car at all. AMC Sprint. How did you afford the car? Did you throw them out the passage? Oh. that was super sweet, and I always did it for her. It was super rare. Think about it. That asshole't do it in the ass in the 80s, bro. It was super rare. But just think about it.

1:03:39 And you know what? In porn, it was a jungle. Have you even been, well, I guess not. Just a little bit of rainforest. Local park? Didn't last long. that I'm trying to bring it back wearing one Fanny pack's fun. It's leather, too. Dice came in, sweatpants, cigarettes, fanny pack. Oh that's elegant An airplane buckle If you look on one of the pockets, see the

1:06:01 to the airport. My God. and they're good. That happens to me every fucking day. When it vibrates, then you pull it out. And the reason why people carrying a purse? Did he? That giant some friends, and one of them happens to be a girl, And if you are a guy and you have a purse, you got to carry it like this, like out to the side, And plus, you could do some good shoulder exercises,

1:08:11 could just they'll come over your house you and they'll all right take care i gotta hit Give it a little wipe Some people do travel like that. What does he rent a car to go to the gig? I go to the hotel and I just hole up and get depressed for a few days. Yeah, right. But the purse hanging around the arm seems like a pain in the ass. I bring a kettlebell in it.

1:10:08 Otherwise, where are you going to get a kettlebell? There you go, son. Look at that. Brian's working out. Yeah, it's good. His need something much larger than water. Water's not heavy enough. You need metal. There you go, son. When they have great 24-hour gyms, that's amazing. yeah you go for a while yeah you know why i do it because i don't want to do it because after

1:11:22 worked in a factory that made tires, you had to flip tires. There's crates. They still do that. that was like one of his exercises my neighbor does that every night it sucks it's annoying he I go so what do you do for workouts cuz I dig holes in my yard You're using your shoulders and your back you're digging you're bending down you're picking it up

1:13:48 You'd have to have some shit in your ears. Even with gloves, you're going to get blisters. hook up all the cardio machines to a generator so you're getting the electricity out of it. Turn the gym keep the lights going in the gym? Yeah. to keep your iPhone running, I don't know if you could do it. good exercise in to start your day, but when you bank it like that, it stores electricity and it

1:15:58 It's just got a giant plug. Otherwise, you didn't have wood to burn. I didn't know. Frasier's one of the weird sitcoms where people don't talk about it. Yeah. and then just watch the conflict arise. And it's, well, And it won a ton of Emmys, too. Exactly. And Joey Lawrence would sit in his car and he would open his doors up of his car. I mean, he was unbelievably wealthy.

1:17:54 He would come in, He was a Bieber before Bieber. When I had all my hair, like I had lost a piece of hair, I didn't have hair like that when I had hair. No. And then right over here was the John Larroquette show with Lenny Clark. And Lenny is a big fucking guy. Tell him, John, fucking relax. Well, and you're getting paid so much stress involved and sometimes people blow off at each other well and you're

1:20:08 Was it Night Court before that? Don't say only three. Yeah, but it's one of those shows that was on TV when news radio was on. Yeah. That was like our joke, is that we never quite made it. because we moved around nine times. That's where it was. or the um time slot that you're in is so important So everybody wanted those slots. we'd move slots also you're taking advantage of the lead-in.

1:23:25 book warren littlefield wrote called top of the rock that's the history of thursday night must But it is apparently a very perfect, balanced, you know, ensemble cast. Maybe. then someone who's got a sitcom deal goes on after Good fucking luck. He's working it. And casting is a weird thing. They can't fail. They're like, this guy just doesn't connect with America.

1:26:15 Where they go, we're only going to do 10, and I think they talked him into 11, and then they walked away still with really strong ratings. minuscule I remember almost thinking like oh that's so fucking weird that guy's so funny and and when I was on news radio, it was right when, and I've never seen a guy more obsessed the bits that were going to happen on a sitcom like he's going through all of his bits like going through the thing like he was no no the bits like that were gonna happen on the sitcom oh like he was going through the beats like

1:28:42 princeton to keep working on the pilot with Tom. I just played golf at this club that he belongs to Really? Just going crazy? Shoulder has a weird joint. I had shoulder surgery a couple years ago. And it creates space. There's something about throwing that's just a lot of stress on the body. so you're you've got your body weight behind everything you're doing yeah and when you hit

1:31:12 and just fucking set your phone down You'd be amazed a Dodge Challenger Hellcat. how big is the engine car oh nothing just 707 horsepower is that the biggest production engine We just stomped on the gas a lot. My problem with the Challenger was always the visibility. The biggest production engine out there for dodge this is how cats the code name of the engine right This is not even doing it justice because he's inside of it with the camera.

1:34:09 This is designed to ruin the earth, okay? This is what it sounds like. Like a GoPro. looking sexy as fuck wow that has been photoshopped on the underground on MixedMartialArts.com to the point of no return. Car looks good. Sounds so good, dude. I'm so happy that they finally started making real American muscle cars again. Me too. Are they mad at you?

1:37:30 Yeah, I just had Jimmy Fallon, Yeah. honestly, No shit. When I was on Fear Factor. American Dad. No, the other one family family guy i did family guy i did i played me on family guy like room i was like yeah if we were in pittsburgh we'd be like fuck this place yeah this is but because it's in more than overstated what i said like said it's a shit show and so then Judd replied to him that's a lie Greg

1:40:17 Yeah, I mean, if you were going to do a sitcom and you didn't have a hipster in it today, you're not thinking straight. I'm so over this. He's so crazy. Marin bought these jeans No, I swear to God. Get the fuck out of here. No, it's clothes, you fucking dirty bitch. That's what they're saying. Your undercarriage get a little steamy? fuck that once i fart in a pair of pants they're going in the laundry it's over especially if i

1:42:37 The freezer. packing a lot of shit, I'll throw in one pair of jeans. and the thighs, so my dick will be 80s jeans. What the fuck? They're awful. Yeah, I know. You get them with a manual, If I'm going to get one, I'm getting that. you could probably get a really good deal at them they have 400 plus horsepower they have that coyote Base Mustang GT The other one

1:45:46 the mustang as well it's like 420 ish somewhere around horsepower and it's a great handling car or shift your gears, have a good time. Coming over down to Melrose. Why does he have to be Asian? some of them that are on lots That's right. Convertible GT500. That's right. That's a Laguna? I remember what it was like. Be a light bulb. You and I just started wearing wigs at all of our shows and never addressing it.

1:48:00 Just everywhere you go, it's like every day it's different. You got little curls and shit. It was like early 90s. and I wouldn't even know it was her. Yeah. I think he's getting both, the ass and the head. They slap that little glue, slap that shit on, head to the gig. I think it had an ashtray on the side of it. Hell yeah. And he was wearing it in New York.

1:50:31 He's like 60-something years old. Yeah, and this is not even the worst photo. Yeah, right. Is that a different wig? That is so realistic. He's got a gray one. Oh, The Wrestler. Yeah. His whole face was just puffy. will say something like this. They'll write it down. implants in place. Yeah. You look like a burn victim. good for you. A lot of 17th birthday presents.

1:54:37 thing going on and that little smashed front is a little bit of a flat part in the middle of it But it was like obvious that something was going on. And when they do that, God, I wonder how many nose jobs before he became a woman, though. Yeah. If I had to guess, It looks like something's going on. So you can't even be bitchy to them. Wow. Well, body dysmorphia is real shit, man.

1:57:00 Yeah. but that's a fact but prior to that he was in the national consciousness. People who knew who Bruce Jenner was. I think his resurgence there had never been a stuntman before. But basically, now you got Jackass and all those guys. People still know who Tiny Tim is. you didn't know Farrah was going to, My kid is watching Charlie's Angels reruns right now.

1:59:42 Right. You know, like denim vests and the feathered hair. Daisy Dukes for sure. Without a doubt, right? Over to Daisy Duke But she's not as hot Pick of Catherine Bach Older? it's something about cleavage. but yet there's pie. They're pie-shaped. They're perfectly round. She's stupidining. Right. There's a little bit of bounce. A little bit of bounce. A little jiggle. But yet there's pie.

2:01:13 and there's this element and it's just like Yeah. Thompson. Well, both of them kind of failed. That's Daisy Duke. That's Katherine Bach. She looks like her. God, she's That's not Jacqueline Smith though. That's Daisy Duke. They probably iced them to pump up their muscles. If you were selling cars, Get that ice cube out, honey. When she died, man, Everybody had a Farrah Fawcett poster on their wall.

2:03:25 Yeah. Yeah. yeah linda carter i mean she doesn't look terrible but she's an older woman now it's She didn't work out. Shitting me? That's so popular right now. She was hot. She's the hottest. Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Late in life, though, right? Late in life, but she was still hot. But he can say he did it. She was still. She was. Yeah. Yeah, there was a comic on Long Island that fucked her. Yeah?

2:05:15 Let's do this. For all this. I don't think I like this girl as much as her. You know who also turned me on, I can't talk to you anymore. a moment ago. ew, ew, she's not perfect. I like women to have a little softness to them. I love Kim Kardashian. I mean, I don't like her little bit of body fat. I think it's hot. I like women to have a little softness to them.

2:06:38 If you don't get excited about that, your dick's not working right. Or get this Challenger. going to make a big difference in the way it handles. That's She might win I don't know Everybody wins Yeah, he was beautiful. Doom, doom, doom, doom, doom. pop superstar, when they're forcing them me towards that everything's pushing me away from that yeah that's she's damaged that's madness

2:09:45 i got a shot that would make me so much more attracted if a girl was perfect i felt nothing Girls want you to go hang out with their parents on the weekend. This is the one that fucking Jamie keeps going on and on about I won't stop talking about it it's That girl weighs 18 pounds. you look at her and you're like whoa It's all sex. when we're talking about

2:11:58 the music videos, Carol King. What? No, Nicki Minaj is real, but that's not real. Don't ever go to that other one again. Beautiful, beautiful woman. I think she got big, but no. Hell yeah. Didn't she do like a talk show for a while? Yeah. That's Carney. You know, I was talking to a friend who had that done. It's like, you know, that may make you averse to alcohol.

2:15:19 Famous guy. but you, That's a sad thing, the harder it gets Matt Brown, one of the top welterweight contenders, part of his whole story is he died. Yeah. There's a famous course there he plays. Took off his makeup, though. Yeah, that's hardcore. So you get the cocaine from the Mexican and then you get afraid of them. Especially in a place that has a massive drought.

2:18:04 why does a golf course cost $250 million a year run? And so the environmental standards call for them in every city. white people paradise that's all it is yeah and when they buy these big memberships they yeah But it keeps the club from ever being sold is there a beverly hills country club yeah i don't know there's a there's a there's like two on the

2:20:03 That's enough to put a house. I don't know who put it up, but it was about, like, if we really are taking this drought seriously, we need to ban golf courses. golf courses in arizona arizona right there too but uh it's it's incredible china has a golf course Wow. A day? The average golf course uses 312,000 gallons of water a day. It's minute so it's the

2:23:25 It's polluted with farm runoff. did you say nevada no no it's it's california oh dude it's it's a huge inland sea it's enormous These fish die-offs of like a million fish will die off. Yeah, let it play a little bit. an engineering screw-up of epic proportions Here is truly a miracle in the desert. You can come as you are. 120-degree summers made the air almost unbreathable. The sea began to flood unpredictably.

2:26:25 Beaches made not of shell or sand, but of the pulverized skeletons of uncountable millions Greg's going dark, Oz. A drought can trigger earthquakes? No shit. Right. Oh, I'm sorry. And it's right there. Well, there's a lot of spots. Brea, Ontario, the improvs. No, the original one with Jack Nicholson. Wow. Yeah. It's big photos of like- There's some photos of California lakes that show.

2:29:56 You know, if you go to the good spots, What's the name of the club up there? Yeah, holy shit. And that scientists had – I'm pulling this out of my memory. such a limited amount of time that we're referring to or that we're referencing when we're looking at Where there's some giant goddamn flood. It's nuts. Like, we get totally married to the idea of one geographic location but if anybody's paying any attention

2:33:39 that's what people did yeah i mean that's what people have always done and they did it because And we're right for the most part, but if that technology fails – I had a guy on yesterday, Mike Baker, who's a guy a grid. And there's only a couple of grids The power grid is the big one because power grid keeps people from being able to live in a place that's hot or cold.

2:35:19 land stole from people they called them the her hermit of whatever the fuck he was. Batteries, food, clothes, everything he had, he had stolen. he's ever had with people he's never been sick a day in his life. do time. Yeah. It's how much time hides and steals shit from you just to keep you honest make sure you're locking your gate at night No one's believing.

2:37:49 He never got sick. blinded him the flashlight and pointed the gun on him and said get on the ground and then they He lived in a tent. And then he's like, you know what? Read books. Hmm. Yeah. And we got to find out why. He wasn't traumatized. You know, about the movie And in the book, Right. I mean, look, that area, like you're in Alaska. Didn't he find it out there or something and move into it or something?

2:41:40 You've got to figure out how you're going to eat. up there in in alaska and he lives in this little shack and it's almost like one of those things you would play fiddle with. But the crazy thing is, like, he's happy. much of this they're doing like they said hey would you be willing to live out there through This guy's constantly, he shoots grizzlies.

2:44:13 They're full of air, you know, their lungs are. like say if it gets dark at 7 and he shoots the animal at 6 and he's tracking it, if he goes too far, like nocturnal animals. So he might get to his carcass of all of his meat this So he can trap animals like lynx and all these different animals I mean, I'm sure there's people there that are kind of directing him along.

2:46:00 And one guy, he's a hunting guide. And snowmobiles. That's what's crazy. this guy doesn't have any other way to get money yeah i mean this is what he's chosen to do on the slightest on dirt and being around trees we don't need it obviously but i think there's a certain energy All the answers are there. I mean we're stockpiling food. why we're so detached from our the the actions that we're doing

2:49:43 it doesn't really freak you out. It's forever been a dumping ground. I think it's like Texas size. I didn't hear that. What the fuck? All right. plastic. It's like that Gulf oil spell. the ocean like the ocean floor the same way we can go in and get it with a pipe it can actually came out about the nuclear program. killing off all their fish. take a bunch of people hostage, that's a fucking month's worth of dollars. Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day, but take a bunch of people hostage,

2:53:19 There's a URL, like you add something in there. Enter in the code word Rogan for free entry now at DraftKings.com. GregFitzsimmons.com, FitzDog.com. and then Atlanta Oh, that's weird. Yeah, it got out of her hand. They have video of it. I'm trying to bring it up, but I thought you said it was a talk about yesterday. Yeah, and it's all put out by the NRA.

2:55:49 That's all I shot.