Joe Rogan Experience #555 — Rory Albanese Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience That sounds like... Can we do that? Appreciate it. I got to do something. Dude, that's fucking awesome. My dad's like an old-school Italian guy. So I got the job here, and, like and that could at least justify the love of comedy. I think that was a big part of it. Yeah. Not the hardest thing in the world. harder because they have hours of training they have to put in every day but just when you're

3:36 So for me, a lot of it was just I love doing the time, me a little longer to get like comfortable on stage to get back into the groove yeah exactly A bunch of the EPs and co-eps and stuff were p yeah like wow people can't come it's like you know it's We'd go to college. because when people get into political debates off of like emails and like daily show clips

6:05 Right. I mean, that's the thing about John. That's amazing is he does all he's involved from 9 a.m. Through the end of the show And I'm sitting there with the script watching the prompter going, oh, no. He's so used to that gig. And he also just knows a lot. of know i don't know you just kind of know well he also has a very specific voice he knows his voice

8:31 They always want to go, oh, what? We still have to take the stories. so we it really a big part of the day is figuring out how to tell the story the narrative and then They would like it. So I think people really associated it being this like hardcore left-wing show. so i think that's why people go why don't people do a right-wing daily show it's like it's not

10:52 You're just finding places to get a laugh. man? Just John, this is like you feel the crowd like i just came back from madison wisconsin this weekend and it's an little bit so on the daily show john's a comic when we hit it when we hit a note on something someone that you're a republican and they immediately think you've got some freaky ideas And that's why I've been talking about my stand-up act.

13:49 you can be right and like you said nuance i that's just called thinking like in other words whatever get put in the same group how come they're even remotely connected yeah like you can be pro-gay You know, Anthony Cumia actually does carry a gun with him everywhere. You've got to bribe some Staten Island he's had death threats, worries about his safety.

15:56 And then he went on this tirade about the crime problem and black America, Yeah, he did nothing with it. I'm shooting somebody. And that's just so you don't, like, come up too fast and get the bends or whatever. The guy who wants to take the bazooka class, it seems like maybe he gets on a list. Yeah, but again, I get it. the same thing. Well, maybe we've got to scale that thing back

18:29 you know yeah it's like not some of them are unbelievably bad and those are the ones like Yeah, well, that's what I was saying. I don't think But for some people, it's a hobby for some people it's a hobby But I mean walking around a city with a quiver and a bow and arrow. Instead of using arrows with real sharp ends, you could use an arrowhead. That is a weapon, though.

20:34 Well, you could, if you were attached to an actual device, line but you can say like hey I'm just into archaeology. Really? It's a young lady. It really is a place. Remember Superman's dad? He was his dad. There's a place in Mexico that looks like a real live Fortress of Solitude. That's so cool. That's awesome. walking on top of these giant beams of crystal.

23:39 And they're giant around, and you can walk on them. That's just when they light it up. Yeah, I'm trying to just pull it up. And it's only been found in meteorites. You don't know what the fuck you're saying, stupid. I don what was it a lot of the what meteors a lot of the water on Water. Oh, that's where we got the crystal caves in Mexico. That's totally necessary.

26:12 That's because I don't bathe. You better quickly trademark butt juice. That's exactly what you're doing. Disgusting. someone just, at that point, ridiculous because not only did they get sick, but they Yeah, dysentery. So people are scared. It's just a different culture. So people are scared. structurally disorganized it seems like there's people are like not telling them that they're

29:49 He's not going to tell him that the lady's dead. and i've met a lot of people from south africa that are cool as fuck but the the whole of africa I had a guy on a couple weeks to believe in Adam and Eve really for believes in it or like likes to taste Frank and Susan down the street, at least. Yeah, and he also had all those animals to fuck, too. You gotta make people.

31:36 and just him guard over them. Tie it to the Old Testament, the New Testament. it was the only way the girl from Kick-Ass. Fucking blow people's minds. But it was too disturbing. and she tried to pick up men. She's an alien. sexy woman yeah like i fucking hate that women think that I'm like, yeah, that's how you drive. It's so funny. Yeah, like, I don't know.

34:49 a joan jett type thing no well joan jett lived in my town for a while so that could be part of it don't mind arguing with drunk idiots no i don't want to argue with a chick i'm dating it's just It's like you just need to not be hanging around with those people. even think it's bad when you realize that that's an incompatibility i think there's a reality to

36:59 Yeah. a man and a woman finding the exact right compatibility for each other is so fucking You've got to try to separate some of that and go like, the other stuff that's happening is not healthy. As long as they don't care I want my girl That's amazing She's gonna be my girl Sweetheart? I want her to understand a lifestyle. That's amazing. I'd put a ringworm on that finger.

39:03 that's like the story of my stand-up writing. laughing yeah he's one of those comics i saw one i had the chance to see live once and uh boy i There's no one. Same with Geraldo, man. like this guy's doing a lot of drugs. And I was like, no fucking way. cool he's very friendly but i've always been a fan always and since then um i i actually was I like it.

42:25 awesome guy you know i always wonder and this is the unfortunate thing about when a guy I don't know. never thought of it but then sometimes the next day when I read it I'm like Bikinis behind you. This moment where, like, that's it. Yep. He died. That is a guy that in the last 10 years He's like his legend has only grown Like that young man on acid dude young man on acid realizes that life is just I don't remember

46:01 My favorite George Carlin special was Jammin' in New York, which he did in like 92, I think. Dick Cheney in the Iraq War. Like we love war. which is like people saying like save the earth. And's like no the earth's fine like we're fucked That Earth, you know, that's... No, they did not. you don't fucking know but even if it is while you're like in bed like people say i want to go

48:16 That's a solid way. thought you meant he was just fucking going to town I would have said I would Right. rape the real nightmare would be that you loved it oh i guess would it would it or would that I had a dream last night that I cleaned up my office. Doc what does this mean From like the 80s i have boxes of shit people buy that stuff old magazine i'm like there's a whole market you know

50:38 They were quite valuable, actually. The black and blue one that's interesting stuff I'm like, you know, I'm like, no wonder they didn't give me that spot on, takes sometimes longer to find the material. And then sometimes it's just I got lucky that one night. and then in the blog entry, I find a gem. I'm like, I may have been stoned. forum dedicated to it yeah that's actually a question i always have for other comics which is what is your

53:29 You know what I mean? And I don't think Louie would do it. This used to happen at the Daily Show. That happens sometimes on Twitter. I mean, yeah, that was astonishing. for everything. Absolutely. I mean, there's fuckers that are like that, man. And I also think it's hard to... If the hour of stuff I was doing right now was the only hour I could ever come up with,

56:27 if you don't at least have a dialogue with the guy. He might have heard somebody else say it somewhere or something, he fell asleep listening to a fucking Dennis Miller CD. And he's like, that's weird. My grandfather's 72. I think that's Ted Alexandro's bad way to make shit. He's like, have you heard anything like this before? You know what you do to cure that?

58:09 I love Brody's the thing on stage anyone's name He's just like You know what I mean About him too man as legit as you can be yeah oh yeah he's a legit stand-up comic you know he's gotten really into if we talked about it Ari told me this. Is that Long Island? I started right when I got out of school. east side wasn't around back then i was doing any first of all i was first thing i was doing i don't

1:00:25 yeah but at some point you're like i don't want to do every set i do in front of my mom and dad yeah so you're like i'll give you 10 minutes of my, really shitty basements It's like north of Yonkers. I do the exact same type of shows in Boston. It was death. Yeah's the same thing. Yeah. Shut off the fucking hockey game. Yeah. Yeah. To put up comedy. It was death.

1:02:20 There's been other ones where they used to do... And you'd do stand up He can fucking handle that. He's a good dude, too. pretty easy time to chat with them and get along with them like it's once once So if you're running into one at the airport. And we were having the same sort of conversation. and I'm not out of stage. night in some of those rooms great like i i love all those rooms like size players and so i love

1:05:16 But when you have those experiences and you meet other people who've had those experiences, guess i gotta walk a highway like it's a weird it's a weird thing so you end up doing this stuff people were singing songs you've never heard in your life and everyone knows the fucking words Some real country. They go nuts. when people say like, well, there's a weird thing you have to get over in the beginning,

1:08:05 about and i i in a weird way i really like it like i really like going to places in america or you know i also feel that sometimes though there is that perception and then there's also the flip side which is yeah I totally understand the second amendment You know what I'm saying? You know, I don't know. women to get kids and more money but i think if you're getting kids, then yeah,

1:10:40 maybe than we realize. fucked over Phil bird does that bit on his last batch thing was his last one So he was calling Schwarzenegger's main gold digging whore? Yeah, he's funny as shit. It's so funny because I thought it would be being a redhead roofing in August. I just want to hit the bad guy. and there are moments in that special, It's, I don't know.

1:13:50 hits a beat but if you go yeah oh this fucking asian yeah it's like he goes i said the same Or it's a guy who doesn't like Asians. This Asian motherfucker. that's really funny funny comics out now And see different styles. They're like fucking hysterical, man. which is, you know, always hard, still is hard. And they have unlimited stage time. It's just like, yeah, enjoy yourself.

1:16:10 bunch of different options but it's cool when a club like the laughing skull comes along we have And, you know, that's, like, another thing you always can bond with comics about is, like, the gross thing you ate in your hotel room. I threw out a bunch of shirts, you know, like old stupid MMA t-shirts that people would give me. You'd wake up, your room would smell like pepper and steak.

1:17:49 hilton blotter on the desk from the guy before you he died of a heart attack oh shocker yeah and he lost a ton of weight, No. They had that cheese? I love it. That was a perfect example. It was fantastic. He got drugs, allegedly, for some comedians and could have included hedberg allegedly oh gotcha yeah so gotcha there was really an actual owner behind it.

1:20:17 God, I didn't have to laugh stop. where I've gone to clubs that are new. But they treated you almost too well. There's no way you can feed comics like that and keep this place going. that and there's fucking unlimited and then all of a sudden near the end all of a sudden you go having DJs come in for like late night dance parties. It used to be a bar called, shit, what was it called?

1:22:11 And I saw a guy in a wheelchair get into a fight Oh, my God. That's when I pitched my wheelchair fighting show, which never went. where like dude's got into fights with guys in wheelchairs you know like yeah those areas that What are you fucking kidding me? neighborhoods you're saying are flipping in queens are like long island city is the coolest you got

1:24:45 Yeah. they're selling in Queens It's almost better like on the river. but now it's it's all been discovered like the city is completely it's just it's unaffordable It looks a lot like you're above them. Those Hollywood Hills spots are full of shit. Joe something or another. place out here and I was digging it man I was really into it now I'm going back

1:27:49 have lunch and like ride their bikes and like exercises like there's i don't have more free You kind of have to work like that. An industry. It's like this unstoppable wealth machine. It's super wealth. using numbers moving ones and zeros and taking big percentages of those movements and no one I've never really given you anything. shows where you could pay for their show in Bitcoin they're buying televisions and Tiger

1:30:56 And you tell me how much and I give it to you now it's becoming legal all over the country but it feels like you know if they want to make money your cut in colorado they get 39 like if you buy a joint 39 goes to taxes and everybody's like okay it's $30 be the first guy to die from a couple hundred dollars of weed but that's why it's like that's I don't know.

1:33:13 And we're up 5% this quarter. It seems to me that if I do my calculations, IBM or fucking Apple, you have all the money. So potential loss in revenue because of legalization of things, understanding of it it seems that the the straight up hardcore business mentality is the only thing right now where it's just like people are mad that there's like these super rich people but then there's another group of people who are poor and

1:35:24 think so yeah because so it's like you can't compare my childhood to some kid from the inner city. But I mean, talking strictly, because once you start getting into international problems, For the planet? Is that a true? really complicated because even with global warming people talk about like changing What was the point? There's a caldera volcano.

1:37:49 They think that the one that happened in Indonesia was so fucking big 75 million years ago or whatever it was, or 75,000 years ago, that it killed so many fucking people that there was like very few people left. The much matter, the sun for the next decade or so. and they're still finding bodies It's scary that they can't like you ever like i was when i flew in here you know it's like they they got on the pa on the

1:40:03 myth oh yeah okay so yeah that's from hilarious i don't know he talked about wi-fi and planes Is that in that same bit where he says, and then what? You fly like a Greek myth? Oh, yeah. That's why he's so fucking awesome. Yeah, zero right. Yeah. should it be worth? Right. That's where it gets tricky. being a hypocrite. You sure do. With a place that has nets all around the building.

1:42:30 what am I going to do? Google that Fairphone. What about 4G LTE? It was going to cost a little bit more. like yeah see that's the problem right in other words you can't oh well if it's the national Every time it rings, it should make you feel a little sad. Read the specs. Megapixels, rather? Isn't the new one... 4.2 jelly beans smells like patchouli And all the crystals inside our spiritual

1:44:33 It's going to get a shitty signal when you're on the subway. to make a biodegradable paste it's also HMO no GMOs I did not know that. You didn't have a thing that you put on your ear. Me too. The best. has always weirded me out That could be already what's happening. There's signals in the air, and they freak out bees. Bats are getting all fucked up.

1:47:22 bat dies. Just think about what's going on in the air. There's so much stuff you'd just hear a chirp, chirp, chirp, you would see city you gotta go like next to the door because the signal can't like it's always that little My car can do it I'm getting a car that you need to use a fucking key to open My car doesn't have a key hole. Yeah, because your car knows when your keys are

1:49:26 Those old Mustangs Because I had a buddy of mine You're like shit Like you have to figure out someone who can, they could do what they call a pro touring it automatically breaks yeah there's a lot of those pretty sweet especially if you like to text That guy that committed suicide, who was going after all these generals, and exposed all this crazy shit,

1:51:23 You know, I don't think the government's that organized but i could see some generals taking like, how the whole thing is, like, the bankers, like, information, and then are still allowed to invest especially since we get distracted by something else, and between the Fed and Goldman Sachs. That's a stupid name for it. They're using that for tranny, saying that's our nigger.

1:53:28 Retard's out. I stopped. Yeah fuck it Don't be such a pussy Making it a gender thing Don't, you know. I think we're micromanaging. I'm not going to say Asian. I was with my friend at a fucking diner once, and this guy said something to my friend, you know, we were probably like 18, Right, of course not. Yeah. Right. Yeah. the other thing that always is so fascinating to me you guys were talking about that but

1:57:18 think that you're white privilege yeah like it's like well you know you hear hannity and these guys Not even dreamed. more ridiculous to not have immigration because if people could fly around if we all had flying Where's the jobs? to the great barbarians of history. mexicans in mexico you're talking about 35 000 being the one percent like that life in that

1:59:52 Or you get this shit end of the stick. doubt and then that i mean that's that's a whole i mean but that's i mean the bottom line is though it which i think anyone would say but then at the same time somebody so now you can have that whole People who are poor, live in fuck-up areas, you opportunities you give them money give them education if you don't do something about the mindset of the adults nothing's going to

2:02:15 Mm-hmm. It's awesome. That's not the problem, but that's the complication with the system that's like, where people born on third and thinking you hit a triple yeah oh no no and i'm saying i think that the p i don't and there's a lot of political thinking involved in that kind of a job. You can get anything you want any time, right? I don't think the president should be allowed to have the robot fuck doll.

2:04:26 That's a part of the problem is that everybody has this complaint But what the fuck can be done? Well, that's just because the shit out of the middle class so they keep showing up to their jobs every day you know what came over on the on, on the Mayflower, some oligarch family. It's a documentary? who are not rich, And this kid's telling a story about how he was with his grandfather one day walking in front of Grand Central Station.

2:07:23 great-grandfather oh my and he like he gave york grand central stage like that's what i'm talking We need more Q-tips. no direction in life they have no sense of purpose now a lot most people go fuck that can do you might have some cocaine fueled ridiculous confidence you can be houses around i mean they have billions and billions of dollars so they just had a trust

2:09:51 yeah just had no concept of what it meant he's just not a man like when you're around him he's so I want to be something different other than with this map That's not even real, though, because they know they can always go back. just do whatever the fucking thing they want. and so he just got a job at SNL, but Like Richard Branson, you know. willing to sign up to go to mars there me more than that is the people that are willing to sign up to go to Mars.

2:12:20 At least. make sure that we're gonna need roofs It's like, you know what we can do? All those Plus, I grew up in Boston that they used to pretend you'd hear fucking and then they'd show up But I once was used to put the Daily Show is a global edition, in just the Sony bathroom in like green lizard pants, but it was so, boop, Really cool. Our audience warm-up guy once didn't show up to the Daily Show or was late.

2:15:50 sitting the crowd like love the show super cool all the like legends of springsteen shit you hear You know? You know what I mean? You know? Like I listen to your music And his son and his wife Dude I was nervous as fuck especially when they're like currently playing the game. like i'm 37 man what the fuck how old am i like you know i'm retired now as an athlete that's why

2:18:30 Yeah. It was an honor to get dunked on by you, Mr. Jordan. Yeah, I have that. It was kind of funny growing up. Maybe I would just be good at baseball. and stuff, on the soccer team. I never – sports just weren't something I loved to do. I remember being a kid and being funny and like just being in school. school you have one where you like said something to a teacher and you're like, oh shit.

2:20:55 and I would just, She was like, Rory, Sacar. Why would you say like he's disruptive you know, she decided to, and do both of these problems for the class? Right. And they kicked me out. But I was easily annoyed. There's always a bunch of factors. my life was a series of getting ramped up for competitions, part about it like as i was leaving good call not saying that she goes go ahead and laugh because

2:23:58 that's just saying that I got you. Yeah. God, no. I curl them around so much. I was the idiot wearing payas out of my hat that was from this girl's hair weave, ridiculous you shouldn't get in trouble for that at all that's an asshole and that it's a huge issue in universities now. like it's like it's like we're all we're all just people we're all just this but it's like that's

2:26:16 is that's why I love being a stand-up. she's like you're not that kind of jew i was like what the fuck you know she's telling you what kind You can't wear hair weaves. That is the shame. that's like evidence of evolution? show who believes adam and eve's a real story like yeah that's that's a problem you know and That's our very hotel. is like, no, just kneel and whisper into your hands.

2:28:37 Jesus Christ. They got on the plane, and they told them that they had to because of their religious beliefs. to women, man. Yeah. Like, that stuff's there's a lot of stuff about them that are There's a lot, there's a lot. and there's a fucking dude standing next to me praying in advance. They knew they weren't going to be sitting next to only men. Because he's a Kohen, which is the ancient Jewish tribe

2:30:57 You're double chosen. going to protect you but your clothes won't well look at plastic yeah that's that was my favorite That's a home run idea in this fucking religion. I mean, it's it's preposterous that they try to sell that as some sort of a medically necessary procedure You should wear really rough underwear. Nice and rough. But it's not really what they're trying to do, though.

2:33:14 Like what you're saying is Like Trojans has a four pack that has four different kinds. i don't know that's why i don't use them man they just make me so mad they make you numb which has a chemical inside it that's 5% benzocaine inside the condom, too. marketed that way to make guys feel good about having a worm they are bigger that's but i don't Just ridiculous.

2:35:15 No, the old joke. and box rubber bands, please. One guy in the reviews on Amazon says, made me so numb I couldn't feel a thing. He comes at funerals and shit. A man who has 100 orgasms a day breaks down in tears on This Morning, I guess that's a TV show. Look at her. He developed this persistent genital arousal syndrome. You have to understand that in America,

2:37:21 Well, this guy's a weird looking dude, man. I'm proficient in Microsoft Excel. because a producer could come up to this guy and ask him a question, It could be, right? But what is the medical explanation of how a slipped disc can cause that? With even, some even causing him to drop to the floor. feel like all the muscles from my chest to my thighs He must nap a ton.

2:39:30 Cause I thought he was He was going down the stairs And I thought like And he was wagging his tail He was in agony. But then in front of his balls, his dick had extra balls. It's called a bitch in heat. And he's a pit bull. Cause me so horny. You didn't know that that was the cure? never had that happen well you're doing it don't let it happen to you

2:41:48 who used to jerk his dog off. that the dog was in agony of getting your dog neutered? He said, you don't need to. Has their testicles removed Is what's going to happen controversial um experiments that were done with dolphins in the 1960s and 70s this guy john lilly And by lived with it, I mean the dolphin was in a when she was doing her... because in her mind,

2:44:16 with interspecies communication like dolphins they kind of understand the concept but they can't make the minute you're jerking off the dolphin. I'm living with a lady. Yeah, I mean, I'm more of a don't jerk an animal off kind of a guy. that's it you know a lot of people ask me this question i would not do it with a monkey because They might. I'd do Koala Bear because they're so cute.

2:46:15 When they fuck, they bite. They'll bite you. Yeah, that's all. on and shit, and she's snorkeling, looking down while the dolphins swim underneath it. It's fucking cool. weird it was like so just reach down there give him a handy and then back to work back to school know they can communicate with each other, and like, that's fine. They should. Like if we lived in the ocean, that'd be dog.

2:48:41 Of course not. I don't think... Yeah. What's that say? Please do not feed the African. He was known for being featured in an anthropology exhibit in the Louisiana Purchase Exposition in St. Louis, Missouri in 1904. Now get into this zoo cage. Wow. That is scary. as is that baby in a zoo yeah african girl in human zoo oh my god what Right. and ones i probably don't and as i you know become more mature i try my best you know like i get it

2:52:29 It's over. Thank you so much, man. Yeah, no, I've been doing... Yeah, in New Brunswick. It's called Minority Report. You guys are the best. Thank you guys again. That's how you do it.