Joe Rogan Experience #557 — Bryan Callen Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Appearing at the Atlanta Improv October 16th, 17th, and 8th. And then she'll hit the same punchline over and over again. No way, the kid, the kid. Brian the Kid. I don't mean his butt. And if you're nowhere Both of those gigs, So Philadelphia, October 17th, Well, it's L.A LA air after all that pristine. Yeah, it's rainwater. It's clear, crystal clear water.

3:08 Apparently, Rinella said it's Let's find out how big it is. of the Hawaiian Islands. Oh, okay. I don't know. Okay, let's find out. It's the fourth largest island. I saw one. The humans with their fire sticks. For real. Look, I'll take this over that every fucking day of the week, first of all. I was becoming, like, a fetishistic, whatever the word is, about my gear.

5:46 I'm eating a sandwich. And I turned it on. My sleeping bag had a sheen. Like my hands got wet. It must wick away, but not totally. first of all, Those poor guys are like, My legs really didn't get tired one of our friends that we met down there. Shout out to is beautiful it's a great cat like we had a fucking legitimately awesome time it's one of Your hands are just going to be wet.

9:39 you want to keep an air pocket around your body that's how animals keep warm so martin was telling So we're sitting there looking for deer you were so cold one time. get him a get him a thermos full of hot water to put in his jacket because he's i actually got a And just went running up a hill. Dan Doty's also a cameraman. hungry you know where they're going next they're going in the jungle they're going down to fucking

12:29 thousands of things that people have never even discovered they're always finding new species of Good God. It's French. It becomes the Brian Callen show. Ivan, the Russian, who makes you eat salad for many days before he fucks you in the ass online do it an unnamed way it's mostly because i have you as an audience and there's you're one at being like

14:55 and I was Brian was And no one can understand it. My sister was my first audience. That's funny. Like even though we're in like one of the worst, most uncomfortable positions you could And it's not an even surface. I was like, no, I'm just going to go to my... You're a dick, man. Well, I should have done that. moving at a straight of simple pace like not a hard pace he goes and he said you have no idea how fast he goes have you ever been with re He goes, and he said, you have no idea how fast.

18:42 he's got that show Solo Hunter, And he's climbing uphill. And it's 9,'s usually got a hundred pounds of elk on his back and he's climbing uphill And then there's big strong guys and you know 661, maybe. And there's other ones that I won't name that sucked a fat one. his doesn't have a lot of mass. yeah they were throwing up a half an hour in. They were done. I mean, he's like, literally, they were like, you know, an hour into the trip, they're stopped,

21:19 Super fucking. Tim's a great fighter, when he won the UFC I mean, he's pigeon-toed. That's i mean i think unless kelly starrett says that's not leave them around the house they're amazing awesome. But anyway, Sylvia, who is not a bodybuilder, he's not a powerlifter, he's just a really strong guy. It's really weird you're talking about this because today my wife was having breakfast

23:13 And the first thing I thought was, these men are 250 and 320 pounds or whatever, respectively. It's pretty goddamn substantial. Jamie, if you go to my tweeter, but apparently they're about five years away they look rather small there i want to well this is Would you take, and get a new one put on dicks well that's a whole different story but But if you have a medium dick, I would imagine, you know.

25:34 was that he would take and seen enough nude scenes in a sea of black hair. about it beforehand he's like all right here we go and he went out there like a fucking stud good breast implants that are just unbelievably ridiculous like basketball sized and they cellulite on their legs imagine if you got that on your dick like you have a cellulite dick And I said, how do you take that off?

28:49 It's just a deformity. Well, we're in Canada. went to uh anchorage with ari when we went fishing and then we did did some shows up there at the Bear's Tooth. The thing about Alaska is that there's this insane wilderness around them and there's What? Matt from Alaska. he caught 160 pound halibut crazy that's a person yeah it's i mean and the halibut. That's crazy. That's a person.

30:51 Yeah. Alaska truly is like and they were fishing on this river. The bear's eating a salmon. They were like, Nature, you know, it's interesting because if you look at anything in nature, including human beings, And they have to stay in one area, and they eat in that one area, then they move down to lower land. they don't understand what the reality of the life of these animals is.

34:19 in what these sentimentalists call a state of nature yeah Yeah, it's, in Hobbes, it's short and brutish. the top of those mountains to be seen or They ate a lot of shellfish and fished. be accurate with and those old bows like a lot of them just didn't have the amount of power to pull Especially to make it, and throw it accurately. And it would be frozen fat, and then the polar bear would come, eat the bone,

37:01 Because they would taste the blood. Yeah. What the fuck did we find? Good luck surviving, ladies and gentlemen. Did he? Yes. God, basically big zits on the Earth. 74 000 years ago toba it's uh it's a caldera volcano in sumatra it's ready for this hold on testifies so we have the fossil evidence which shows a much older chromags yeah broader lineage

40:53 It's don't listen to me in Google list just starting to not be monkeys anymore. And then that's where or not we have a common Yeah. People fuck chickens. At least one person. I've seen people fuck chickens. My dad, my buddy was a figured out yet but if neanderthals were around for sure somebody would fuck one yeah people Like, they can arrest you for cruelty to animals or something.

42:19 Although, how about this? Or kill it and then fuck it. Well, there's a bit about you can kill an animal, but you're not allowed to fuck it. Yeah. I don't know what the fuck it's made out of. That's like you're making best use of all the materials. What if you didn't cum? You just get that tight in. There's no power to it It's made of tissue paper. as people universally have these very interesting through lines in culture one being that all

46:12 the board culturally like we were talking about those cultures in new guinea the semen warriors themselves yeah and that this could have easily happened on these small islands. 100%. But these are large groups of people. And they do it because they say that the boy needs semen in order to grow up strong and healthy. people who have been able to cross-pollinate ideas. So if you take huge areas, the Bantu Belt of Africa,

48:30 of people that just isolated people when you're talking about the new guinea people when we're on so there are slats, so there are holes, and they put buckets under the slats, But they would also, when they would do that they would get uh what they called laughing disease kukuryu which is uh kreutzfeld jacobs kreutzfeld yeah what is You had your pants off for a second near the campfire trying to dry your ass out.

50:28 Why didn't you tell me to prepare Shut up Get them here their body. Bro, when I was lifting, dude, And when we finally got that fire going... Fritos. Fritos. Fritos. Fritos, light on fire like we have gasoline we have whiskey tell them how we tell them what the best kindling is in the world fritos fritos fritos fritos light on fire like a motherfucker and hold their flame hold their flame like those candles that you can't blow out on a birthday cake while we were in

51:52 But this fucking documentary is an amazing documentary. so much corn that your body's made out of corn it's like what the fuck are you talking about These guys got a check from the government to grow their acre of corn. Ethanol has a cottage industry around it. well, if you want your, you know, that may not be so good for your body. Because they're in bed with this industry. And I'm really wondering what would happen if hemp became legal worldwide and especially legal in the United States.

55:15 It's very expensive. And the hearts, the hemp hearts, the best part of it is what we get. Is hemp a... you test positive for heroin wow people that are going through drug tests like you you don't touch George Senior, George Herbert Walker Bush, the parachute that he used to safely parachute Like, pull up hemp. he was going to have to convert to get people to start growing hemp

57:58 mankind. I just love their voices. Even people in the east be making a comeback and they were saying hemp is a new billion dollar crop like pull up the the cover of popular science gaining tremendous ground because it was really hard to justify of course and then when eli well it played a part obviously um do you know how have you ever heard about He got a...

1:01:36 No, I'm afraid... They sent a raven. I'm sorry, my friend. That's a lie. That's a lie? It's a lie. But no, no, no. They sent a raven. Here Be Dragons? That's amazing. what a boston he would go what a good kid good she's a good kid jimmy burke does that jimmy he was in north northern new york or something he gets on a you know in a horse and buggy and

1:03:35 Long story short, he basically gets together with this guy before that time and throughout all of human history the only way to get a message to somebody That is fucking incredible. china's handling it you get to read various different points of view yeah i mean it's an Okay? Could you imagine if you could do that? lock yourself down in a fucking giant tank, and go roll into the Mongol Empire?

1:06:46 And be like, hey, guess what? Listen to what these assholes did. They didn't understand enlightenment. They had developed these nuclear sites where they had these generators that they could never shut off. I don't know we don't have any fucking rain. I mean is the one resource that we have that's How about use solar power, figure out an efficient way of using solar power to process the salt

1:08:49 Get to work on it. No. the internal, Well, books had to be hand-woven. beginning of the 1800s or maybe even earlier than that let me like i think 17 it was like the 17 churches well he he did no he he did his i think it was bittenberg he did he did his hundred he actually phonetically translated the Bible You don't need this huge infrastructure and hierarchy of bishops and priests.

1:11:13 1450. language bible translation from the hebrew and ancient greek by martin luther yeah it was uh so But it's amazing, this episode on Martin Luther and how Luther had created this movement, That was pretty radical. Thor's Angels is the name of the podcast. said in the Bible. Well, still to this day. but you'd basically get points about all the buffalo?

1:14:52 purpose and that what really happened was smallpox they didn't even know what So when that happened, the buffalo just grew out of control. And he also talked about how the introduction of the horse changed the way they were hunting is that the Native Americans, just with the horse and the firearm, and stacked them on top of each other. But it's amazing when you think that this country, like, you're talking about the very

1:17:45 just they they would they of course they would hunt things to expert interpretation i mean uh man i'm talking about our legacy in 2014 if we not careful, our legacy may very well be that we destroyed this earth, you know, I mean, or made it a lot worse. That's the one that's on, thanks to TESP from the, shout out to TESP. science is the answer if we had to start over?

1:19:43 You're not going to be here to see it. people who say, well, you know, working very hard at their own expression and i think it's because and we were talking about this It's just the timeline is enormous. currently involved in that keeps growing and keeps happening we will laugh at how goofy and ape like and biocompatible machinery like that is going to change our very biology.

1:22:30 if you're able to download memory, without even totally understanding its processes like the the the thing is like we don't understand Yeah, very possible. That motherfucker with those stupid blades was running way faster, probably, than he could have without them. Well, it may be that there's a chemical thing going on in the brain Yeah. unconscious when they're having these.

1:25:01 both probably seemed equally it's incredible. It changed me so much. was watching this video before you got here richard dawkins arguing with his islamic people Apostrophe? i don't know perjure yourself it's called perjury whatever apostrophe i think it's called but anyway Like, that's the death penalty. It says if you leave Christianity, you get killed?

1:28:09 But where does it ever say that if you leave Christianity, you're supposed to be killed? How are you saying... as well leaves very very very open for interpretation so so and that's what islamic Like Old Testament stuff. People do that with religion and all that stuff. but he wanted to pick one very important point. I also think that there is also and you're going to be a very different person than if you are a regular Christian who takes this symbolism.

1:30:58 with this group of people, and they're all these other Islamics, or other Muslims, and They always attack us and the teachings towards this matter, for example. So why, like five minutes ago or early, we were asked about why Muslims have to be sitting separate, you know, men and women. الإجابة بسيطة جداً Can we have this camera focusing on all the audience?

1:33:45 that every Muslim actually has. You're not extremist, you're not radical, just normal Sunni Muslims. Hold on. Described in the Quran and the Sunnah apply in the world. Who agrees with that? No. Please raise your hands. We need to deport all of us from this country? to be honest with you Okay, but what does that mean, though? Those are real people. I mean, I don't think that's a good example.

1:37:51 what is just just taking a not i'm not saying you are i'm saying when you if you took that They are. But what I'm saying is this not like a propaganda video. No, I've read the Quran. They are. of religion. When you put people in jail or you have to be a Christian to ascribe to it. I mean, when you're killing someone in Texas ancient text that tell you there's very clear laws and rules that you're supposed to abide by,

1:40:46 how are you a christian you you're not subscribing to the full ideology you're you're not a should be killed. I mean, there's a bunch of different things. If you're homosexual, you that these debates and the questions you're asking, which are also being asked in the Muslim world, are crucial because it's how a religion, you know, it's the process a religion must go through and contend with.

1:42:30 Iraq, 91%. And the way you solve that problem is with commerce. I mean, at what point in time does it sort of dwindle off? although that's a big, actually with ISIS, they believe in Wahhab and Wahhabism and stuff. pee because i want to talk about this yeah please this is very important go ahead go go do your secretly record a conversation because in california you're allowed to secretly record

1:46:56 scene's one of the best scenes i ever did and it's really weird because i knew him really well you are you you mean good to everybody your fellow, yet you have a compulsion and a sickness that you don't know what to do about? want that guy near kids. We understand that. And we all go, we got to get that guy in jail. to lose their life and everything else they're not going to go anywhere they're going to touch

1:49:21 Yeah. it's a very important debate to have is if it's considered, if it's a mental, a form of a mental illness, should they have somewhere to go to say, hey, I have these urges. compelled, like you have an alcoholic believe me i am the least sympathetic i have a very primal urge to break his fucking head open Basically, the premise was this is the perfect family.

1:52:13 there's no way well of course that's a that's a good person who i'd leave my kid with that you know, of a guy, there's molestation of a child we already know what it does to most people the revulsion and Well, they're calling this violent sex, Right. Obviously evil. Or what if he takes her hand, and he puts it on his dick, and she struggles the whole way?

1:55:01 when i was a kid in camp i was 11 i was i guess technically molested by my down there. And then my buddy And my mother went right to the camp. said he's up to that yes yes she was the arts and craft counselor she had a short hair anyway and you know i mean who are vaginally and anally and all that want to have sex with you, that this would... No, I'm not.

1:58:18 There's one called Good2Go. real insult to people who've been held down and raped by strangers or somebody they know in a violent manner. man supposed to know if you don't say anything there's there's that and if you do say something decided that this was rape because she was intoxicated but he was intoxicated too they're because he came from a good family

2:00:59 But how terrifying is that Jesus Christ. their lives have changed and it's what happened they got drunk and they fucked man and thaddeus So she gets shamed for it. You're normal. But if a guy does it, he's a stud. that she has to worry about in the way human beings interacted. and having babies with these dudes. is a man and a woman having sex. together and they have a couple of drinks and the girl gets on top of the guy and has sex with him,

2:04:36 been marginalized, that they've been oppressed. Alaska. I like to fish and fuck. Once. He was holding his feet. Only semis. yeah on tv because they think a lot of the women think they have to girls think they have to keep They're way more picky. think a lot of it has to be because it's like sexual attraction is not an even thing i mean Your nose is the perfect shape.

2:08:52 This is an example of – we can bring it back to the Islam debate. who was violently raped by some stranger in a parking lot at knife point, whatever. And it's to these guys talking videos there's a lot of them that are clearly angry with women. some people that just women don't find attractive and they feel like it's not fair so they go out everybody wants to think there's something awful and terrible about prostitution look i don't want

2:11:59 And you feel good when they touch you. No problem. I will have sex with you. like how weird it is that people like a lot of like really rich and powerful men especially if the woman puts her mouth in the guy's penis for 10 minutes. And so that, again, is what I'm saying about we live in a very religious country in many ways. religion might say you should stone somebody, etc, etc. Most people are reasonable. Most people

2:15:16 yes i i kind of see the origins of it and i kind of see like i see the whole thing from a larger perspective, but I just feel that as human beings trying to engineer our society, that what we should really be trying to do, if it is at all possible, is approach each other and approach these situations with kindness and compassion and love and dignity and and friendship the idea that we we could establish

2:16:20 to their neck and fuck them just so they can say they did it. I'm going to go have sex with this guy. evil yeah that's really sexist i mean that's like one of the most sexist approaches to two human like, you know, Harold is this incredible intellectual interesting thing if you think about it under under one word what human beings really that And that's what we're still doing.

2:18:28 But it's a question of what your methodology is. to have sex with me yes i want to that's the only way to do it gross what i want i want romance man talking about this, that, lying about celebrities I know, et cetera, et cetera. You're wimping out? I mean, there's ones that work out terribly. Yeah. You know, the urge to have a baby grow in your body is fundamentally a very difficult thing for a guy to wrap his head around.

2:21:37 you're trying to earn favor. we're not equal some people are stronger faster whatever yeah some people are smarter it's just You ever see the Dear Woman video? all those guys are the greatest women have you seen it yes yes you have seen that those guys And all of them to a man or women or men that women wouldn't want to fuck. Impostors. There's a they're creepers imposters there's

2:24:08 There's a lot of, well, there's just a lot of, again, Peter Schiff's a brilliant guy, about economics ask a one percenter. How many people do you help? Well, then you're a capitalist. Ask the 1%. I feel like what you want is... The 99% to 1% meme. because I believe in democracy, but I also believe in regulations. The market has to We're saying there is a role for government in our society

2:27:18 What am I afraid they're gonna do to me? So why did the rape victim get raped? The level of freedom for who? There's been memorials for Steve Jobs all over the place, at every Apple store. And the problem is we have made it too expensive for him to manufacture here. You can't have low prices. Yeah, I'd like to get rid of it. Sir, what I've learned...

2:29:35 How could you disband the EPA and the FDA and the Board of Education? So when everybody says we support the troops, that's a lie. That is the problem, that they will let you in the government, asking him why do you need so much money like why do you need why can't you make you know 10 million It might not be in this chunk. Yeah, well, it's the wrong one.

2:31:55 That's why you've got to earn your opinion. Oh, okay. Investigation over some time is how you get closer to figuring out where the real problems lie yeah it's the It's like they got there and like, there's a fucking infection. But, yes, it's why there are some very important and very challenging problems in the world. you know like how many opinions that we'd have when we started doing podcasting and then i'd

2:34:48 an emotion around it that's why because it's exactly like talking to somebody when you see They're also trying to win. where i saw this guy get in a fight with this guy who didn't have any fucking skill at all he didn't We all have some of that in us. actually don't know that much yeah and sometimes someone will say something crazy to you and instead of saying wait a minute why did you say you'll say

2:37:48 How much do you want government running your lives? I like having my mind changed. does it oh joe's saying this let me add let me this to it. Let me put a cherry on that Sunday for you guys to show you that I'm also knowledgeable and smart. It's a good answer. Yeah. That's so disappointing. Yes. Now, watch what the fuck happens, man. Amazing. other and then the next guy comes along and this guy is fucking tiny man this old dude is i

2:42:40 It's amazing to watch and judo water man. Judo is one of the roughest the really great judokas. Whoa, this is fucking amazing. His hips are... Like Hector Lombard, like a physical specimen. Have you ever seen me dance? Accepts challenges from high-level students first degree black belt and this guy's an eighth degree black belt here but the old man's a 10

2:45:31 Well, judokas are very proud of judo. And she was crying, and her mother made her run laps. An extreme winner. things that made them get larger maybe something they lose weight and then they become smaller Big, thick gal. You're going to start slimming down. Who that you know, fighter-wise, I was thinking about BJ Penn, fought Lyoto Machida, Machida was over

2:48:28 any follow-up as to like a lot of people were really surprised by when he was fighting frank That's been his problem. He had abs. Just lives a good life. it came because he won the world championships after three years of training in jiu-jitsu. That dude could see it twice But there's a lot of other guys They've always said his frame was like 180. He's a big boy, you know?

2:51:41 What is Carlos Condit way you think on the offseason? Well, we were watching Rory McDonald knock out Tarek Safiany this week, that's fucking terrifying. fight fought nate marqut, how well he did against Amazing. damaging themselves you know brian and i were at the airport yesterday in seattle and we were 76 out of 79 brains they studied had significant brain injury.

2:54:27 I mean, he was just the Superman. Jim McMahon's got some serious issues now. I used to watch football all the time, and the more I learn, I'm like, Yes. But he was talking about how when he was fighting, but a lot of kickboxing techniques That high elbow block? Never seen that in Muay Thai. that you'll see high level Muay Thai or high solution when it comes to head trauma because you can't hit as hard without breaking your hands you

2:57:36 And I think that would probably be one of the best ways to protect against head trauma. You want to do this? You're not a fighter. You're an actor. Why are you sparring? I was like, I don't know Leo Flowers, a really funny comic coming down to feature for me. That's it. And it's great to be back at Civilization.