Joe Rogan Experience #583 — Bill Burr Transcript

Transcript

0:00 I'm always trying to type faster than that commercial and I always fail so I'm trying You can retweet it. It's guaranteed. fuck with my eyes i think it's the actual strain of staring at something that's lit up so close to your face You don't even realize it. yeah it's weird i i don't like any of that shit which is why my new special i actually did it in

2:02 Classic Texas, right? people are there babies do it yeah everybody does it's an instinct to stare because it's so ocean i go back and forth i love it in a lot of ways because i'm i'm just fascinated by innovation Maybe we were fine. taking a shit that ends up in a river somewhere else we don't have to look at it and it's just fucking sitting there what's going to happen is they're going to figure out a way to take

5:05 and convert that into energy. from down the dump. with hookers yeah there would be if there was a guy like the the classic william randolph hearst story i don't He was the reason why Rosebud was, you know, that whole Citizen Kane movie. sex with all these white women. Like that wasn't even what they called marijuana. Now you just want to smoke weed

8:08 you're conspiring yeah but just because i'm not whacking a president in the middle of it doesn't by all these guys that are now on our money. and that the moon was made out of cheese. because people conspired to fucking hijack planes Right out of the gate, I mean, I don't think we've ever even... No Americans doing that. With an Xbox. screaming and yelling just sitting that still waiting for the right moment

11:10 That's Hitler shit. I've never had the balls to do that on stage. Oh, dude, if we had some of the technology, I could be in your ear. But comedy clubs He's spinning Especially after you get a couple of drinks. It's like the green light. But every now and then someone will yell something out in a movie theater and it's fucking hilarious. to pay for.

13:14 if, you know, No, no, no. He was... That's it. Damn! Lou Duva. That's it. He had to pay for that wonderful head of hair, man. unhealthy looking man that's ever lived. place he's ever done is probably like hundreds of thousands you know you know the original family and he had that pay or play, whatever they're called. I mean, white people got too crazy on Monday night,

15:39 and I thought the amount of money lost on that show, in a falsetto i don't know if this is true but like this is the story this guy told me it blew that's what reminded me that totally makes sense you know doing shows two three shows a night times six seven days like they were fucking themselves out of like three quarters of a million dollars strange you did that thing with me right yeah yeah that was weird right right

18:28 right as you go around but i know i know people that have seen comics i'll do a theater in the so he made the stage turn drum kit and amps move around Very slowly. I'm definitely going to say yes. you could literally just be at any given time. Yeah, it's not the best move. up there and i was like i was just like oh shit i had to slow way down and had a very very uh

20:54 When guys that have been punch drunk get drunk. last time i did your podcast i was against it like women in the octagon it's like they like there is not one woman in this house starts right in it was almost one of those six second videos whatever the fucking kids call them a little bit of defense. She probably has to date some guy who also knows how to do what she does.

23:38 hilarious like i i could date somebody like that i would think it was funny that they could kick So there goes your, I'm providing. I think it's fucking awesome. They throw windmill punches. If you see the right, the next one's the left. There's someone like Serena Williams, who's obviously a very physically strong girl. like you know so they were a proportioned couple like i felt like a dwarf dude like she was like you know so they were a proportioned couple like i felt like a dwarf dude like she was like uh just like it was totally gorgeous totally in proportion just like like super

26:34 and then you actually run into the real athletes? I'm just going like, this guy would fucking drop me. time he said he watched the replay one time uh and that was that was it for him and uh and i that's it. and I think he's probably just going to make as much money as he can over the next few years and then get out. I was going to say, thank you, Dr. Rogan.

28:39 If you ever have questions like that and you want answers, ask Brian Cowan. about books that he's read but he's the best always dude whenever I talk to him you just gotta do the ollie you lay against the ropes crazy. His fucking mind is going like a thousand RPMs constantly. Always. Dude, whenever I bet you got a piece on you. I love him, too. Bear's cock's almost as big as mine.

30:28 him up he's just that guy he's always on he's never not fun like he's never i never call brian Phil Bixby? No, that's from the Hippie Warehouse. Bruce. It's like Bruce for the longest time was like, you know, Bruce. He's becoming a good-looking older lady, though. Age badly. I couldn't pick out my Adam's apple in a fucking lineup. Now, do you think he'll come up with an original name?

33:32 I mean, first of all, if this is fake, if they're trolling us. He's got a cigarette. Susan or a Jennifer say he looks like a Claudia. Look at him. He's got a cigarette. He has his lipstick on when no one's looking and he's tucking his dick. But it's, I mean, how ironic. Having said that, I hate the color of his nail polish. he's an Olympic a little too soft

35:13 Look at him. Yeah. Imagine if I did. And you got to watch out who you hang out with or pretty soon you're doing what they're doing. It starts the feet first. nails done. Right. It's like considered effeminate fucking thing windmill kick somebody I got the clear Yeah, I was doing all. There's pictures of dudes And generally speaking, He would get his toes colored.

38:33 So people would fuck with him and then he'd beat the shit out of him. just to test his martial arts It's like, you know, That's like, you know. the white guy is in full-on fucking panic mode his eyes are closed and he's literally was this me I have no idea what happened what about double time? you don't wanna hurt your hands punching somebody's skull.

41:17 He's got the French tips. That whole alpha nail polish thing, Like that rock star thing, Yeah. He basically was completely 100%, other than Freddie Mercury, who was literally in a band called Queen don't be homophobic is one of the Yeah, he was sensational. got anybody that could fucking hold a hundred thousand people in the palm of his hand after they had two drummers at the same,

44:06 You're like, you're not going to fucking believe this. Dude, they're right now going to trial on Stairway to Heaven. and I still it's like the Cosby thing what a shithead And I think a lot of us as comics were even influenced. No one ever got sued for being influenced. where they were stealing riffs, But it made me like them less. And then later they got sued for that by the guy who wrote Killing Floor.

46:16 I just know that that just is a little suspect. just too easy to offend but you know he was saying that he just doesn't want it to be true We almost went to see him, too. It was fucking amazing. I mean, you're talking about a guy, you know. But if you're doing that, then the victims are crazy liars. This new one's interesting because the girl says she was 15.

48:21 We right now sound like one of those bad news programs. Like him talking about it on stage. It's a joke. I think he was just telling a joke. who take your shit, went on this whole thing and then i paused and in the end i said i'm just fucking with you guys i'm just mad because blah blah blah You really tried to fucking be interested in that dumb story for the whole time. just all you had there was just went that's a story bill i don't know where to go with that man no i'm thinking

50:49 actually meant it in the malicious way that the person took it like if you you know you can go You've got a great career. You wait. animated children you know what i mean what about all the three-fingered fucking Ah, there you go. It is manufactured controversy. and how they're not a threat and i'd like to see him try to invade florida where silences are legal

53:09 on Fox News. that died? he listens to what Bill said. I'm going to go out on a limb and say she's a hot shit if you went out and drank with her. I get foot massages no i think she would be fun as hell to hang out with Farts. That's it. we'd be in. That's it. Ozzy Osbourne in like 1985 Less hard road Ozzy. talking about torture or some shit on my one of my podcasts and someone was showing the devices

56:30 like the knee you got to see this thing and they start cranking this thing and you're hearing it is we're seeing a stress that made the bone break two things that i've ever seen there's very few actually maybe cats monkeys and human beings i thought you're gonna say the musical cats the most it was breaking my bones the most sadistic had a gun i would have blown that thing's fucking brains out just out of principle i've seen that

58:33 They definitely should be respected. think it was that was during the time when first of all people died like way way quicker like people didn't live very long and launch them in catapults would they at least kill them first yeah probably maybe i don't know Well, the movies, they only show the wars. You hear them coming. Absolutely, but you know something?

1:01:01 Get it over with, dude. Stronger even than some other cats that are terrifying to us. Discovery? footage like i hate it when they would do like even like some of the civil war shit they would they had History Channel whatever the fuck then just no one cared anymore and they're just like all right if that's what That's God's, I think, They're all going to destroy each other first.

1:03:38 You'd have to have something that generates oxygen. Six months. think about how far It does not. He's got a creepy tone right now. To actually get a person there. what is stopping you from missing Mars when that fucker comes around? Saturn? Pluto. or did you actually read that on a website? Oh God. Two on the nose. And it's just like, so what? If you have a hat on a hat, and the hat's funny, funny that's what i think yeah i think you're like they're acting

1:07:17 You know, looking at it stand-up wise, a hat on a hat's hilarious. So, whatever. Yeah, but you're talking about a cartoon. but like how finished and polished it is yeah as a brand new joke coming right out of the gate the first time they air it where they just fucking nail it. Yeah. Yeah, their stuff is... but I think it's going to be amusing. Well, basically, everybody in the writer's room at that point. Oh. So, I just got sick of people groaning about my childhood stories oh your childhood stories yeah well basically everybody in the writer's room at that point

1:10:32 huh no it's fucking annoying um this animated show that you wrote who did you uh do it with did you do it all by yourself or did Steve Byrne. I opened for him or something like that. Took a general meeting for the folks who don't know what the fuck we're talking about. We are one year away from it coming out. Netflix is doing some wild shit, dude. They're doing stand-up comedy specials.

1:13:24 Oh, they're not going to fucking blah, blah, blah blah and all of a sudden okay all right and then you know next thing you know You know what I mean? And then you have like three, like ABC, NBC, CBS of international television. But they were, even back then, as far as I know to go to Netflix just shows you how quickly You know what I mean? She saw a lot of books.

1:15:43 She's just constantly working. Yeah, that's, I mean, she does a lot of shit. She's just constantly working. I would think just having a TV show and trying to keep that thing on the rails and just prevent You have to implement no no everybody knows it how dare you make money without us and then they fucking absorbed it nobody uses this know, look at the Geek Squad. That was a great thing. And then Best Buy was like, how dare you make money without us?

1:17:00 And then they bought them. they had the dressed like nerds yeah and then Yeah. I got frustrated. I can see you being that guy. Oh, okay. First of all how dare you It's a great goddamn picture Joey does not look like that in real life. Good for you. I'm happy for you. I'm happy for you. You made a little tiny 4-inch. I'm not going to try to talk you out of your phone. You obviously love it. Good for you.

1:19:17 But the one that's on your phone, you mean? It's fucking, it's like this recycled, wait, what? From the stratosphere that I have you in. Well, when people say really stupid shit... so much fun it was like office humor and i remember bobby kelly's was the funniest one it was the high and said some really white shit to him the amount of like there's like six jokes and they all just keep telling them that was in um not like

1:22:34 it was a fucking great show it's a great show he's a funny dude man i when i did tough crowd No, I was doing three episodes. And people are like, what the fuck? and how, man. Like when you see him, It was a great show. it's only one of the few times I ever wish and I was just starting out as a comic when I used to watch it going, if I get to do stand-up on this, how am I going to-

1:25:02 Why? was like you gotta be fucking kidding me they made you he goes i didn't want to initially but i said Yeah, but they, you know, if they're thinking that people want to, they want to be ball players, you know. and then so they're looking at when you got to sell toothpaste and fucking It seems like if you found the right vehicle for him, he would be a great talk show host.

1:27:29 He kept doing it? People equate a podcast I like you too man That I didn't give a fuck about They got to... Well, the whole thing about having Joeyey lawrence on the show and asking that he does now this fucking car collection two shifters Can you get a picture of it before I stammer into a fucking complete black hole here on this thing? it just was like butter and it was this piece of shit and it was i just couldn't understand that was that that was a really bad time for

1:31:27 just an absolute uh and all of there was so many of those held over like uh muscle car names that trying to uh he's you know he's making some money yeah and he's gonna go buy some cars now when i that he doesn't even spend his Tonight Show money, Yeah, it's not smart. fish and then he's bringing it into this into inland and all those fish are taking a bite out of it.

1:33:39 They got to charge you $9 million more for your fucking taxes. I advocate getting to a certain level of success, getting a machete and a pit bull and sitting on your cash. Investment portfolio? Spoiler alert. down on them these are just words fire what i'm saying yeah it's just words listen i i've planned Because what you're going to gonna do then what are you

1:36:08 that little fatty there over in Korea was talking about how he was going to Just hear that whistling sound. You're fucking dying in front of their eyes. How the fuck do you know that's ever gotten a wart on their nose? Compound W is gone. and you raid all those drugs. none of them's a good idea nobody has a good idea the only people who are okay uh would be if you

1:38:19 And he's going to be on a spring, like one of those Murphy beds. Oh, well, you're faking dead, so they don't see you in the background. they're called Murphy beds people would get the most bizarre ways 5th. you silly bitch. I just don't like it. iphone 6 cameras no it is a stylized Oh okay This is not three stooges Either like it or you don't Bill Burr

1:40:26 Yes, my friend. I really appreciate it. See you soon.