Joe Rogan Experience #585 — John Heffron Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Why can't that work? But John Heffron doesn't give a fuck getting a TriCaster. But John Heffron It's been a while in two years. I mean and then yeah, cuz even like all my famous friends If they got a hold of it, it'd probably be pretty difficult to crack your passcode. and she left it in a car They just take it. Like I have every version of the iPad.

2:54 Yeah. John Heffron. People were worried on Twitterville It was intense. I want, I want to get it out there. I want to get it out there. I want to hear exactly what you from talking to people who have it, from talking to doctors who are experts on it, You know, look at, You're a fucking football freak. be careful with with getting smacked in the head because that's not going to work out well it's not

6:57 load of money you're gonna have to work your dick off to pay that shit you're not thinking about Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He forgets things all the time. knocked out a couple of times but they're still in their running they're just fighting beasts like fucking loved that dude he is a great guy I mean Brendan Schaub he's a really getting to a championship level when you first start out and you're getting hit

10:11 You might have a psychological boost. lot of ways. It can push you to success, but it can also fuck you up where you're not seeing yourself It's one of the worst stakes in all of sports. you in the octagon it was just a beautiful technique they've just shuffled that front to give you advice you know i'm saying like you not see yourself like you're not seeing like

13:05 and extreme highs and extreme lows. Right, right. Mirko's legendary. Because if Mirko-Krokop and he fought Eddie Sanchez his first two fights he had some good fights in the ufc but he was never the same as he was in after i said i was like that's not good obviously being a comedian doesn't cause you brain damage I did that. fights uh lately well he had a real bad fight with orlovsky um it was uh like it was real clumsy

17:05 worried about him and i'm also worried about him because he before that he got knocked out by ben about it on the podcast he was saying that he actually got hurt before that in training sparring you know, there's, there's so many of them that are so fucking good that it becomes you know it becomes a matter of whether or not you want to be Your friend's got to know to let you you out what i was saying about freaks man

19:57 He came into jiu-jitsu once. This guy's got like a pair of jeans on And then this guy walks in that doesn't even look like he's a fucking human. Jesus. from all of his years of playing football. If he hit you, he fought Frank Mir, And he just sprinted at him just sprinted I think he was training for a movie or something. And whatever, he kicked me in the side of the head.

23:37 But that was the first time and everything was ringing. but the difference between that and the top of the heap guys there's a there's a leap there's nothing that's the shit you should almost concentrate on the most because it's the most dangerous if you don't have They want to think about strength and conditioning. You see it a lot with white wrestlers.

26:01 but learned along the way to blast power punches. When he gets in on you, it's fucksville. aspect of fighting it's the most dangerous aspect it's the one thing that you don't want to suck at And you can literally just stick your face out, and I wouldn't hit you because I would never. and knocked you out. And then, sure enough, they'd always say do you feel

28:37 And in a way, it makes me a hypocrite. He is always. They get mad at him for maybe over-assessing It's a real option. i mean yeah and it's Did you interview her after she got out of jail? Like how Bill Burr does his podcast with just him. That's weird, too. a few clubs like that like there's helium in portland you know there's uh there's helium in like she was either that or she was looking for dick and she wasn't looking for dick

32:14 Mormons are some of the coolest motherfuckers. I used to do the improv there. You see all that. taking out the element of people I know it's nice for people and they're literally looking sideways. I'm doing my stuff and I'm like, is usually when the focus goes onto the cake, and there's no waitresses. The setup is better, the low ceiling. I would love to just do some theaters.

35:20 And that's the exact order that I think. Take a friend with you, you're having a good time. he like he's been he goes after internet trolls i guess from what i'm what i'm figuring out from but he has like and he has one video just the older they get or is it just trauma somehow we get head trauma well i think as the And then she started asking what my mom was doing.

37:58 shit is coming worse if you're dealing with head trauma. All the shit that everybody else has to deal with is coming threefold. Twitter one of those and I watched it again Terry Norris when I was a kid when I was like in my early 20s Terry more Norris was the welterweight champion I I was talking to... But my point is that now he can barely talk. I was reading books lately.

39:54 that have it like especially like martial arts fighters you talk to them You've got to work out when you're sore. doing jujitsu class against black belts on a regular basis, you're not experiencing very difficult situations. guys at all like they're they're very slight and very like you would never think this guy's a Getting dominated and you figure out a way

42:00 are usually people who maybe know who I am, you know, The crowd that was there necessarily didn't want to hear, Like throw myself in scenarios that are just, like the Comedy Store or any kind of show and you go, you know what? I have those all the time. And it was like his birthday charity event, right? Stuff that's never been tried and true. You started off kind of slow.

44:43 Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Ingvall. I'm like, I have not had this happen in, you know. And then I realized, oh, everybody knows everything about NASCAR down there. are like that parts of georgia that are like that georgia is a fucking great country a great state Like David Cross from Georgia R.E.M. If you're going to get a comedy special, and that he's just silly and fun.

47:01 It's so silly. So then seeing you guys perform is different than when I'm on the road And I'm like, okay, thanks. You think of what all of you cost individually on on your theaters or clubs It's just one of the greatest buildings in the free world. He's always like that. Like all the waiters are so It's been 53 years, I think it is. I'm committed to doing specials in comedy clubs.

50:28 And it's just as, you know, If I performed in theaters all the time, Joey Diaz and I went to see Louis Black once. You've got to make sure you don't hear any laughter still when you're doing something subtle. You were the Sammy Hagar and Stephen. What does Steve Miller look like? Did you even recognize him? It seemed like he never tried That was a great fucking song that whole album

53:03 had doors t-shirts and they were all That's like some music from 2001. station they wouldn't be saying oh you remember this shit that would be a song that they would What the fuck happened? yeah has been digital I asked five people last night if they knew who Sissy Spacek was, and no one knew. And Sissy Spacek knocked it out of the fucking park with a lightsaber.

55:48 When she came out there with that fucking pig blood, spoiler alert, And everybody goes, get the fuck out of here. Black Mirror. And it's beautiful. instant plays. Yeah. Like, nobody wanted it. car terrific I have a really nice expensive car, but it's an 06. in like, Oh, all that's connected. No, no, it's silly, right? Talk about all they're watching Woo

59:53 I asked if you're still he's the character man Yeah, that's right. I remember. Oh, I've seen something like that. oh my god dude it's uh yeah i had a couple characters because we had props how many seconds Are you comfortable revealing your secrets? So you would just wing it? Japanese head thing so it wasn't ever synced up forget mccook nebraska we did a show the basketball team comes and sits on the front row

1:02:55 just kind of that that's how comedy was They're like, don't ever say something in front of, You were ready to go to war? We ran back to the hotel as fast as we could, have told you to leave they would say stay right here that's true and then they would have just by cops and in what places like Albuquerque apparently Albuquerque New Mexico is just like one of the most violent places for like police and

1:05:15 There's, like, a lot of eyes on this. you do shut down the highway there's some people that might be on the way to the hospital they Especially now. What is the official story? Did you see that? but so it's probably been all consistent yeah i think so i think if anything it's probably less guards, the other group of kids would be the prisoners. shot and people that have you know fill in the blank everything rape and murder and child abuse

1:09:05 have to take into consideration i think 53 people 50 how many cops a year get killed i was reading It's kind of a weird artifact to locate, though. people a year too okay how many people do cops kill let's guess that how many people the cops So it seems like... It seems low. Just per city? for seven years a white officer killed a black person like at what point in time do we have to

1:11:52 people started talking about that more often twice a week twice a week a white guy's killing a black double problem it's not simply a problem with the police officers killing the black kids. I don't think it's his fault. Yeah, exactly. i think there's a lot of people that are pretty fucking tired of the way things have been going No, I don't. The two seconds in.

1:14:57 But as a kid, I remember running around with guns. And if I was in that situation and I was black and I was doing the exact same thing, I might have got shot. I know a dude with a drill. Your school pictures. somebody's there open it it's doering he pulled out a gun you know like uh one of those ones that and still. show up to him and shoot him As long as someone's not genuinely mad.

1:17:36 would come out and it would shoot the rubber. You know what bullets I'm with stencil or whatever successful stand-up comedian. Your dad was totally incorrect. You should be doing your homework. are you doing stand-up comedy? you know, You have your shit together at least a little bit better. it's just what a unbelievable responsibility when you're barely and she's in the service she was in

1:20:26 You think we were dumber? but experiences like understanding I've talked to some 20-year-olds, But like back in the day, guys at bars would have to debate it. new reality man there's a new reality that we're experiencing i had this guy on last yes last So the person on the other end on the internet has this helmet on Yeah, I wonder if there's autocorrect for that like you think something and it like switches

1:23:46 It's this ridiculous technology. It might be fake. of it yeah we'll just show it to you over here it's really crazy to watch and there's another We'll figure it out. each other's minds without talking and then there's no more spoken language and then there's So the person could come in, sit down, talk, hang out with you. if we ruin the environment.

1:26:49 I believe it's Norway. Yeah. I'm going to Stockholm. 1% trash. it was as clean as that's like an an idea that always gets bandied about in conspiracy theory circles like they believe that someone could be a Manchurian candidate And then there's like a computer where your knee would be. move forward or kick hard. But I mean, We talked about that on the show yesterday, that there's now a soft exoskeleton suit.

1:30:57 It's like, it's constant. Oh, okay. we get reborn in the new world and you close your laptop and you get in your car and you say say goodbye but it's only because that's how we've always lived Then you have this other organism that you recognize as your mother that's going to take Start all over again. then you go back and you eventually... it's because you've done this a billion times. I don't think they... I think that's what deja vu meant. Like if you're having deja vu, it's because you've done this a billion times.

1:33:59 Explanation for deja vu. Stupid. phenomenon is rather complex there are many different theories okay so no one really knows deja experiences. As much as 70% It's been firmly associated with temporal lobe epilepsy. Just because you have deja vu doesn't mean, with simulation theory like They all sang glorious songs and surrounded me with loving hugs.

1:38:03 regular reality really is We're all together on this now. So I'll run up the stairs and then there'll be a ceiling panel and then I'll push it and then I'll pull myself up. I think that happens in almost every ninja movie. I think they have a photo. 1800s, I believe. so I can't drop a lot of knowledge. This is what i yeah that's what i googled you ever see those ninja classes like that ain't the one i

1:41:14 Oh, yeah? Like it's way quicker path if you have someone showing you where to put your weight, especially jiu-jitsu. and how he passes the guard in a certain way. dvd it's so hard to do you can kind of teach basics like real simple stuff and if you pay My friend Denny showed it to me. like someone's got to like is another big one. Yeah. Look at this.

1:44:27 Is that guy doing it to himself or is that a movie? Damn, powerful chick samurai. Oh, jeez. I'm still looking for it. e-training stuff? I'm like, Bragging. like the kind of willpower and, I mean, they had to be as gangster as possible. I'd rather see it black and white and know that that's what it looked like to the person that was holding that camera that made that photograph and then developed it.

1:47:18 like what there's black people and there's others playing an elephant yeah yeah it's a gorilla yeah Yeah the discovery of the gorilla Okay discovery of the gorilla I don't know how to say this, Virunga Mountains Huh. there's a thing like us that has hair all over it well how about those dudes those explorer dudes They're making a railroad in Africa.

1:49:39 We succeeded in killing two of these animals. the area around the lakes so they didn't know what it was. This is so confusing. Look at the photo, Brian. Like when did they discover the actual gorilla? Here we go. and although it's unknown whether these ancient Carthagians encountered were truly gorillas, Isn't that weird? Like that thing. Fuck, man.

1:52:50 Let's kill it. There's some cops that are just getting out of their car shooting right they're they're looking to shoot Like, could you imagine how stupid you would feel if you came up to an alien? Did you see Europa Report? Is it Jupiter's moon? Yeah. One or the other. They don't have vaginas. It's like we have this crazy desire to procreate. I guess they fuck, but they're like the male and the female.

1:56:46 And then they just show up. grown up in this Goldilocks zone you shoot a load in someone's pussy and that's what makes a person that's fucking ridiculous it's it's so ridiculous it's not just as ridiculous to think Like, we're going to lose the bees. We don't even know about it. i mean think about that that's an actual reality of nature is that bees pollinate plants it's a

1:58:51 but it held my attention. I would think Well, that's because they had a land mass over there. Just messing with the... Yeah. You ever go to the beach you see some some fucking dudes that are Dennis McKenna thinks it's very possible that some sort of other advanced life form has visited Earth in the past and subtly or actively re-engineered or engineered human beings.

2:00:47 That's a long time. Yeah. Biologicals for a guy and a hot chick. All right. Will you guys get that job done? year away you know they figured out how to get somewhere in a year. the cosmos it's that all you need is water and carbon and all the building blocks and the same And they're teaching each other what sounds for anaconda. And for the rest of their lives, those chimps have to freak out thinking about the time that this thing came, this metal disc and stole their mommy.

2:03:47 Do you think we would do it? They'd be like a guy in Texas In America? if you're a dog person you know it's weird And it's a picture of my dog, uh, super friendly, well-trained, well trained um you know had a list of all of her And then I even sent the guy a picture of her that you would match up and go, those are my dogs. who has a dog but they're not going to give it to her so So then I even posted it on my fan page and there was some cops in this area.

2:06:44 You know, the door guys that work there? He was like, this is how you talk to that guy. You're crazy. I guess, whimpering and stuff like that. there's kind of a fight going on and And then my wife has $150 cash. threw them in our car. The dog in the guy was dude. that's true if that like but i don't know my, I have a privacy fence like around my backyard. So it's pretty dog friendly.

2:10:27 Even though that seems like a lot of work. They would maybe contact you and say, hey, I have your dog. That's so crazy. are barking this this was a while ago. There was a problem. you're throwing shit at them I think somebody poisoned it by throwing a piece of food over the side of her fence, but I would, like, turn the spoon, and dogs would would lick the peanut butter on the spoon uh kind of after all this happened i i would put out a spoon with peanut

2:13:02 okay i gotta get out of this yard i gotta figure out a way out of this yard they'll climb trees and you know they'll escape they If you're raised right. The Rottweiler came in between us and just kind of plopped down. Like he was just like real calm and like real sweet. because of that he has his like really calm really sweet really confident dogs and a lot of like dog breeds depend upon

2:15:31 You know, he's just a big sweetie. Yeah. Are you a prepper? Whoa Just for What are you doing John Heffron Exit strategy Trying to fucking prep us Yeah And it shoots the tennis ball Just sit there I tried to do it with my, with Margaret, but that they said she was too friendly. They do stuff where they shake And then when one of the guys fighting turns

2:17:13 Yeah, like the Rob Report or whatever it is. I would. You know what I watched the other day? And you're like... Like this guy had this weird relationship with this lion. Don't they eventually kill you? Like the Siegfried and Roy thing. Like something alerting him that it was about to attack well she was talking the whole time or texting and just as a performer the tiger's like you know what that's the second show friday

2:20:08 one ever. The guy's on his knees, like, Have you seen it? That thing? to tell their friends about it did you hear this video link and then they're going to go to the This guy gets fucking jacked. It's an Indian ad. I don't want to see this. Like, this is him dragging him off. that's the upper one yeah forever whatever reason he reason, he's like, he won't stop moving.

2:23:00 And this fucking, this giant beast. It's like me dangling a feather in front of my cat. You're not getting out. You think the zoo people would be coming out with their... What? There's a man in a tiger cage. Oh. Dead. i mean what a dumb idea and a goofy way to die but like lions there's a guy that made it into It's hilarious that there's people in 2014 still want to give it a try

2:26:06 They're not trying to kill him. He needs to figure out a way to get Yeah. I don't think he does. oh they're gonna tranquilizer dart it they should just trank him shoot him right in the dick Whose wife? My wife called me out on that. Whatever. I'm walking down the aisle with my wife. That's hilarious. Like if Leonardo DiCaprio tried to move to Nebraska,

2:30:08 he had some crazy ranch i think he still does but like he just retired some ranch in new mexico Like you'd want to like staring at you. and then you're just on a treadmill he kind of has this look of i'm i'm working out you know I've never not seen him be cool like that. for my wife? Will you go FaceTime with my kids? Within seconds, there'd be dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum.

2:32:59 like just a singularity of sexual attraction. Ever see those pictures Mm-hmm. Yeah it's legendary Except one day Atkins for five days, six days rather. He didn't give a fuck. bad breath and i guess the the idea behind it is if you have no carbs like that your body just breads and pastas and things along those lines, the amount is like a lot of sugar that goes into your body and that's

2:36:02 You know what I mean? You're saying you stopped doing that? Yeah. and then that's going to be it when you go, Yeah, it's just her name is like, So then Batman would be like 40 punches, 40 pushups. I ordered the book from Amazon because I didn't feel like printing it up on my printer. R-E-Y. How do you say that? So the book that I had, like I said, I just bought it.

2:39:15 Whoa. Yeah. Look at one. flip the book and i like do that like throw a dart and that's pretty dope here's the i love it man That's cool. I don't know what she's doing there. Body weight exercises, man, just yoga. I started with DDP yoga. originally called like every guy yoga because the whole thing is it's not like artsy fartsy yoga And then you keep doing it for a couple weeks.

2:42:44 would be easy to do. upraised, but late 60s, I mean, that's the most ridiculous example ever I'd say 72. Yeah, he is. It's the craziest shit ever. And when they come up with, have you seen that thing they're doing with mice? God damn, I quote this website, It's like the sound effects, you donate blood they're actually going to sell your donated blood to other hospitals for a profit

2:46:25 and he got labeled a terrorist. by the time let's say add 20 years from now so i'll be 40 50 i'll be in i'll be in my 60s and then you take this 20-year-old's blood and they introduce it to your body. I mean, I don't think it would hurt them necessarily physically, but it might. harvest they're gonna be able to make artificial uh organs if they haven't already they already

2:48:37 take lungs. that he just does out of his garage but he's like that's why i want a 3d printer you can print you order it and it's going i want the three to print anything you anything that busts in here go, here's your shoes. Remember when we figured out smoke signals? What John Heffron This weekend, yeah. Tony Hinchcliffe and Ari. Yeah, this is Ari. Tony Hinchcliffe

2:51:32 at the Ice House. in Phoenix. Friday, Ice House. Glorious. Alright, my All right, my friends. Next week.