Joe Rogan Experience #59 — Ralphie May Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Let's go! Black, Chanel, cologne and hot steak Dressed to impress Spark a bitch's interest Back of my mind, I hope she swallowed Then I, whip it out, rub her no doubt Hip-hop died with him. he's very disgruntled at the world of rap music and I know it's your concern Isn't it amazing? Have you had somebody else hold the fleshlight for you and fuck you with the fleshlight?

2:46 with a fleshlight instead. It's a human person What? I know. What? No. Oh, yeah, man. Not this one. Back in Boston. On the first day of Hanukkah, finally something good for the Jews. I don't know anything about it. And she did fuck me. Because I might get De Niro'd, son. Come on, girl. You're just a white dude who likes black chicks. Some hard-ass black chick that fucks the shit out of you and tells all your ex-girlfriends to step.

5:48 Go tell her in person, bitch. Jesus Christ. Please AIM me. It's almost nonexistent. And they go to my shows and they say, what's up? Yeah. Yeah, but I'm nervous. The same formula. something sexy mixed with something you might be absolutely right about that because i've read some of those Very popular young porno star. She gets it. those gang bangs man that's a different species that's a weird thing man that's awesome. Those girls that do those gangbangs, man, that's a different species. That's a weird thing, man.

9:36 For somebody? I think so, man. He was on the next one? I'm like, wow, here it goes. You ran with that shit, dude. that show that when i watched you when it was originally on i saw you blow up audiences i mean They were embarrassed by my size. you lost meaning you have to get a standing ovation every show. Yeah. I know. And you wanted to throw me in your Acura, and there was no fucking getting in?

13:13 Not anymore. It's a convertible and it's like 700 horsepower. No, it's $649,000. american cars are fucking making a comeback seat warmers are the shit man and your lower back you Sideways, right? And it's lightweight. the v8 and the whee the whine in here that's getting it done dude it's like a different thing it's just you feel the power fuck it man

15:54 Is that the next move, Glendale, do you think? Maybe it's a tsunami. Everyone knows everyone. It's just wider than... Fuck white people. You know, the real problem is how many people that really is there's lots of that shit I mean it's really crazy the average person like I have a weekend in San Antonio, You go to Nouveau Laredo, What are you talking about?

18:28 This is a Ralphie May classic that's making the rounds. three and a half ounces of weed, I've got no fucking control, okay, of anything, Joe Rogan. Sounds like you've got really good control. horse i am stoned out of my fucking mind i my act i sound stoned like a biblical whore and i um And I'm walking, and so much I'm seeing people run from the end of the pier to the edge,

21:04 it was um it's the fastest plane we The AR-71, I think it was. Is that real? Just making some numbers up. It was the only one that they showed the speed. 2,000 miles an hour. They went from, that's what I wanted to go see. You can have tea in London and lunch and dinner in New York City and not miss a fucking beat, is they used to have that Concorde

22:57 So literally like you were on the border of fucking space. you don't feel the g-force because they don't make any sudden moves Yeah, right. more than that for first class right first class yeah yeah right but so ten thousand dollars feels There was nothing going on. 30,000 fucking feet up there. years that that you know exponentially if you take the same progress like in cell phones in the last

26:01 that, uh, that it could fly at 120 000 feet okay and that can go from uh I don't know. and then gravity on top of that compounding so you're falling much faster you know thousand I wonder if they have some shit that's not released that's even faster than what we know about, We could fuel all of North America's energy sources. They die out really quickly.

28:43 I mean, the fucking government uses everything else from the 50s. the economy goes to shit they close things like that down all the time yeah yeah but i mean is that it exists in the first place. and, like, Bob Lazard, you know who he is? made some things up so you know you gotta you gotta look at it and say well he probably made it was his big story

30:40 the number one point is, They're doing some nutty shit out there, man. It's probably a drone. They're probably all drones. to a lot of this UFO bullshit. how they believe that aliens development, what if there's a culture 100,000, they would literally be able to But there's a lot of fucking stories. We're all just dicks. I know what you're saying, but not really.

34:01 I mean, like, we're just barbaric. I mean, grasp that, dude. Well, you know, if you imagine. And light travels. I'm sorry. What I'm talking about. Okay, you go faster out into space than the speed of light. Yeah, so at the speed of light, Earth's history would come at you. Right, right. Yeah. No, no, no. No. and see the And you look back and see the Earth.

38:02 It wouldn't be full. No, but you could see. You don't know nothing. Well, the idea of time itself is very trippy, especially because it's limited. Yeah. Welcome to it. Oh. and doing things with it. I want fucking... I'm coming. eating a moose alive, and it's this is a trained bear. This guy had raised this bear Let it the fucking go. Yeah. CGI has fixed all this.

41:19 for Planet of the Apes There's earthquakes everywhere, man. How are you protected by the lowest spot on Earth? Is that trench where they recorded that insane biological sound? Yeah, man. He would love to hurt me. There's a broad spectrum of human beings. about any bravo late at night why have you seen him drunk i've seen him drunk and he's not wearing a shirt and

44:00 eddie's not competing yeah you know the difference is the guys that are competing, guys that are like actively He's always been like that. You're training for combat, man. And toughened up. They had to be strong. 150 fucking years. Two lifetimes. Dude, the Wild West, that was the 1800s. 150. Yeah. 150 fucking years. 65. recognizing the sitting bull was a hero and you know that you know it was like i guess it was a

46:30 He's going to be in jail for pot. Republicans. But it was fucking basically a terrorist act. We're more crazy than any empire ever. They're just ready to go. He's not going to die. They don't have any food. friends. Yeah, right. I always want to chill out. Okay, this is a retard conversation. not a battleship it's like a trawler they both had to hear they were like

49:48 people maybe he's so dude some sort of a leader like that, Tribes of monkeys do it. This fucking guy isn't qualified There's a cabbage in every pot in the ground. You better not fuck up Hawaii. fucking in the army it's true all right if they wanted to walk over south korea there's nothing I think that's plenty. It's not. What, they got Soviet shit?

52:20 And they got a lot of them. Wolverines. Shall we play again? They are ruthless. on it where this brother you know his brother was five and his brother was kidnapped and they but he was talking about how he was really upset that the older boy was still mad at him about it. Dude, and they're and his dad is trying the only way In China, you mean? if they wanted to because they have like the national guard that where the people are you know that that aren't in certain areas they're like the national guard

56:04 employees so is that above average it's not really it's not compared to the population no it's not But then it noted that Concom has over 500,000 employees. They just suck. 10,000 dollars that's what's sad of work runs out I mean they're not even your kids The apocalypse On individual bases, with individual families and individual situations, there's apocalypses all over Africa, all over parts of the world, all over China.

57:43 and protection you know it's going to cost you money. We just go to Africa What's going on right now The Congo's a fascinating place. Don't play any music, bro. Do you own that? Hey, Trey. Oh, that makes it good. You sampled it? Yeah, they become property. Public domain. after like a hundred years Like when you go to Bennigan's, they can't sing happy birthday.

1:00:25 What a piece of shit you are. you fucking weirdo. Forever. That's what they do, man. Yeah. Yeah. fascinating things about science and space, and you put that link up. on about harp sure heard about harp yes that's fucking amazing what have you heard what is your like beyond all time for asia central asia and south asia of all time okay yeah but ralphie that easily could be because

1:03:49 Our knowledge of the earth is so fucking minuscule that any time people get crazy and start saying things like, oh, there's a record number of earthquakes. I think, who knows what it is. bullshitting you because that is not what's happening okay there's just no no evidence And they're doing research. I was a Navy SEAL. You should listen to me. Sure, but I don't know what they're doing or why they're doing it.

1:06:06 I know. up into space the Americans did it. Yeah, it's fucking done. and look at how many and blow it up. That's why everybody on that fucking movie died of cancer. G-H-I-S. Did Genghis Khan nuke John Wayne? I'm telling you, man. That's where the pictures half of them. They were in a crater blown up You didn't know? They fucking knew that. That's incredible.

1:09:56 My safe place would be the shower curled up Yeah, that's the problem. what that city went through. away from people And they go animal. Yeah. But why is it awesome? Corps of Engineers had slated as the There's a lot of spots in this country that yeah, you could relocate Well, man, I know Houston's not the same as Katrina. there uh right afterwards and uh you could see like all these people that had been displaced

1:12:52 You really could never move it. um there's a lot of people in new orleans that believe again uh because it happened once in the And that people heard loud explosions that were still on the roads. So why did they want to do that? by breaking the dams and then killing a bunch of people. yeah and it's like you can't where the fuck you go fucking knock a hole in the fucking stuck in

1:15:14 It's crazy, man. No, no, he did not say that. got you know five hundred dollars to take me to houston to where my relatives are you know well intercoastal channel in, allowed to erode and that's why hurricanes over the future are going to be more damaging to the It was crazy. Because that happened while we were in Atlanta Yeah. on their CBs Dude, we are less than eight hours

1:18:24 Because we are very close. With our fucking iPhones and everything like this and Twittering and be fucking, you know, closer to your chimp, all right, because we are very close, They have more power than all the stars in the sky combined. That could rip the atmosphere away. That would just destroy the entire galaxy just cut through it and I don't need to watch that shit.

1:20:06 Yes. I want to start some shit. Yeah. to cause it to have a gravitational spin It's amazing we just... that's 3,600 years away that's crazy Yeah, man. Boom. Wow. Dude, that would suck hard. And giant lizards that just fucked each other up. Huge cannibal. What if there was only one dinosaur that lived, and it was a huge alien that ate all these other creatures

1:24:32 That adds up to the carbon dating of all You got brain damage. No, bones from eating them. where they had legs that they just said didn't exist to leave a fossil you leave a fossil if you die in like a mudslide yeah you leave in a you know most of the times you just yeah I don't know how long it takes, but yeah. ended just 10 000 years ago i just i just found just found out recently that saber-toothed tigers and woolly mammoths, they existed just

1:26:59 There's scientists that want to recreate the woolly mammoth. On lichens. I bet it's like bison. I think that's a totally different thing. They used to Or move the people. Do you still have that elephant horn, the got hit by an elephant do you still have that The thing about ivory is there's a ban on ivory, Someone should either have it and buy it as a decoration because it's beautiful

1:29:36 I know. Do you guys use soap, or do you go to the liquid soap? bad off your body but it's not antibiotic, because, you know, Sometimes. I just use my hand. I like that shit. His kids wrestle, and he's always been around wrestling, and he got tired of all these kids getting ringworm. Oh, yeah. your aggressive healthy bacteria wash your fucking hands

1:32:22 Our friend Johnny Rotten We'll have him come back on. What happens is, They go, well, we just throw them away. organize this foundation to collect soap Microbe that But like you know antibiotic resistant uh tuberculosis or MRSA staph infection that's a drugs correctly. That's funny, though. I had a backpack. an ounce 14 14 grams so why do you have that much weed um i thought i took it all out i took out

1:36:09 That when we get low, we use grams. They have stone. Crazy. Yeah, they measure a horse's height. Yeah, so like a horse all it is is just a new system based on 10 yeah if you learn inches fucking for sure you it's gonna come out real funky because the way they talk and communicate is almost alien so there's a lot it was dustin has um one of those droid x's and he

1:39:12 They suck battery life. what it is is that like come on bitch have you ever done that i've never done that before yeah Remember how they used to be able to buy the Not yet. It's pretty big. Mophie. That is a big major holdup. of juice it was done yeah they tested it against a bunch of other cars like the boxster and all No. off. It's not simple like you just

1:42:03 wireless electricity Westinghouse when they found out that's probably what's next though All modern technology. Descended from Tesla's work. He invented like a hundred different fucking things. And he's like the aptitude that these kids have for learning things and for holding information and for dispensing it and spitting it back out, it's shocking.

1:43:50 that it's made a lot of fuck-ups that we move in that direction right Drew it in absolute perfect detail. whole package he doesn't have the whole super fucking dr manhattan package yeah but he's close that one gets with another one Yeah. There's triggers. like into a point where people are shocked, like you've got some magic power of retention. supposedly autistic according to you know because they were in written history.

1:46:58 They don't have any recordings of them communicating. He's retarded. and we knew he was People just judge you and shit but the first Powerful. Yeah, yeah yeah it was great Really? If we just judge comedy by Seinfeld, okay, what we do, you and I, would not even consider comedy. You know, in my opinion. Yeah, right? Oh, yeah. This is a joke that he did in the 50s.

1:50:21 still things to talk about if it wasn't for them, we would suck. Without a doubt. questioning the use of words questioning you know all sorts of aspects of our culture they got people and keep it in our vernacular and if I'm stoned and I see something I'll say far out And the fanny pack. i mean what am i backpacks are good too but i like a fanny pack that's where i had the way

1:52:46 fuck around tim crater rocks one man i ain't saying this guy dude that guy put me in a choke It's not fun. What's wrong with pussy? You know, like if she was hot and I figured I could get her, Yeah, yeah. I'm like, those type of broads, okay? If she was going to use it, She was crazy. Find out what the fuck. There's a bunch. and neither are you who you were right you weren't no goddamn picnic

1:55:51 still fighting. I was still competing. I was And that's when I met this crazy bitch. I came to see Dennis Leary once. Shit. told all my friends i brought a bunch of my i brought my roommates who went to see dennis leary like Paul Barkley, you gotta see this guy dying of a heart attack while he's jogging it's like a few of them they were like all right i

1:57:55 I was like, wow. Really? was it 94 I remember that man where he talks about and we wanted to give him a home-cooked meal, You know, you especially, you know. know i hurt physically hurt and um and then to compound that they want to give me uh painkillers It was 16, 1988. so i have sciatic problems all right and they say i have amazingly dense bones and that uh i was very

2:01:17 I mean, somebody could tell her how to do it. this and i want to stand up comedy contest and it went on from there moved from the shaky speeds to Did you have a dream of being a comic before that? Little Rock. I'm a big Razorback fan, and I'd love to do one back there. Yeah, when I remember what Houston was like when I first started going there. Till two.

2:03:38 And you were walking outside town and boy it just got extinguished it just got extinguished you know and i hear guys say hey we're and then some or another clouds grew overhead, don't they don't foster local talent and they don't those improvs are too clean man the laugh that's what you need it has to be like than, um, he's probably one of the most smooth comedians I've ever seen as far as like in an hour

2:06:37 crowd i was i was trying i was playing for it so anyway you what you're saying is there was a lot Yeah. No. Tom Segura. He's a great guy, too. Apparently, everybody says he's phenomenal hilarious yeah man he's really really good he's really funny man he's a great guy apparently everybody says he's phenomenal he's phenomenal and uh i gotta piss so i think

2:08:14 So it'll be me and Joey Diaz at the Mandalay Bay Theater. The smartest thing to do is have tickets. Joey Coco Diaz is possibly the funniest person I've ever been around in my life. walking around with your fucking... I'm silly. don't you? Yes. In the house, bitches. He needs more followers. Yes. See you next week.