Joe Rogan Experience #592 — Bert Kreischer Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience. What are you doing, Jamie? I'm fine. was on malaria pills and I had to Oh yeah What's the name of the malaria medicine? Yeah, it's fucking... Yeah. People are complaining. how am i going to sleep at night what are the vacation that would be if i can't drink I heard it from the Radiolab podcast. The guys that are in it, they're called sinkers. And I was like, fuck, I've seen it all. I saw it, and I was like, I'm going to find quicksand porn and i cannot find one really yeah they talked about quicksand porn the guys that are in it they're called sinkers and i was like fuck i've seen it all i thought and i was like

3:34 Listen to this. because it came over here. Oh my god, Oh, shut up. You ready for this shit? million or 584 million is accurate. So it could be as low as 367,000 or as high as 755,000. Only you would think that way. What's the biggest one? What? But that's a big fucking number of people. White people would be losing their shit. You've got to take it every day, two days before you're in the area,

7:17 Would it be a drink or would it be like a jam? That is a crazy statistic that one out of two people that have ever died ever died of malaria. worse like and so you know that shit's around the corner no way you feel better and you're like fuck Wrestling matches? We had Bitcoin people. They donated money money and we we had uh bitcoin people they the doors they put signs on the door and anyone that entered or exit wore a mask

10:21 every couple years you can get the flu i get the flu like every other year yeah it seems like i don't think i get it no no because i get a flu shot 350,000 for... Oh, shit, no. The skydiving thing is scary. How did he die? Malaria? From Ebola. They were like, oh, shit, I'm not feeling good. yeah and start cooking yeah yeah and so i'd imagine that's what it is and you can't lower

13:59 it was built by mobsters it was gambling right yeah yeah but the idea was like hey we'll just The roads back then. If they had a radio. because there's at least a two-hour stretch that there is no one. black thing is this following me i tried to change my daughter's back tire, Remember when your chain would pop off There's always a dude who's missing a digit or a piece or something.

16:53 All of them? My mom. Were you just in the wrong place at the wrong time when the kid was swinging? So he hit you in the head with a bat to stop the fucking play? and he couldn't sub someone out in the fourth inning. 20, I don't know, 26 or something. Shattered? That's a good way to fuck up a kid. Wow. My friends are fake also. I didn't know the dude.

19:31 I'm sure his mom made him say something, but I wasn't in a place to hear it. That you have to seek out and destroy People are like that man and then everyone goes how did that happen and you just almost like that event becomes You need alcohol. When I talk about it, quite honestly, it's so long ago, it feels like a lie. It feels like a lie. This is going downhill.

21:42 of america protest the mall is suing them for lost business, oh, you weren't here, the Anna Kasparian one. There's one thing where it's convenient, there's you know, it's a protest and protests are not supposed to be convenient. There's one thing where it's convenient. I mean, if you, if it was one person physically, if you knew that there was an ambulance and

23:13 there's this weird thing that happens diffusion of responsibility when you get large numbers it's people have a weird follow mentality some weird ancient primate shit that's in us where we follow Their intention is just for good. bars and broke her arm so when when that That's when I become a single shooter Mark Wahlberg movie. This is your neighbors.

26:01 a half an hour earlier, we would have been fine. My husband's dead now. and be heard and be you know be seen as they're getting arrested like some block off where the people adjust their opinions during these conversations. a really interesting point of view and he starts sweating in the interview did you see it no But CNN, or I think it was CNN, wanted the drama of it.

28:45 They'd definitely stop you down and go, I'd feel like such a pussy I'll find it here. and she her ears swole up and she had uh you know cauliflower ear and what cauliflower ear is the They don't know what's going on. and then she got hit with this punch, Pull it up. You know, everything's very cartoonish. It's so crazy. a TriCaster. We're going to use a TriCaster.

31:42 ear. I think I talked to Matt Brown And you're like, come on, man. horsing around with their friends. scrape it all out and then stitch it back together again he had it fixed and it looks weird his ear Why wouldn't he fix it? The ears? If it hurts him, he doesn't care. I'm looking for the exact opposite. manipulate bodies and balance and understanding positioning understanding like leverage and

35:05 and you're just constantly than he's comfortable with And people have a certain amount of determination. It's what they're doing. that also have that same mentality. In wrestling, you get a lot of them. a cigarette. One day the coach, as this guy was just smashing everybody, And he'd get mad at them for being a pussy. good. Like their genetics are so good. And then on top of that, they're being trained in this

38:17 I mean like we all gonna have take off his ear guards Imagine if you took your chick and you were like, put these on. Put your titties outside the singlet. Today's the day. So he's like, That's why I'm ahead. You know what's so fucking funny that scenario i've done What? No, I wouldn't even. Their rough hands They have these predator but like for raptors hawks shit like that eagles they have eagles up there for those

42:24 where you're allowed to cut, how much you're allowed to cut, what animals are going to be affected. And so people were freaking the fuck out because they couldn't make money while this thing was going on. production really fucking fascinating story it is considering that's everyone's livelihood up If they gave a fuck about birds, they wouldn't be chopping down trees.

44:34 this guy is writing this guy is writing a story a story william dietrich um saying that he was trying to Because I think there's a lot of people that get really upset about logging in the first place. Totally. I mean, it just seems like if we're gonna be you know humans like to fucking mice you ever want we're gonna like let mice out every day you fuck like crazy you make

47:14 That makes sense to me. But what wasn't silly is how beautiful that area is. may and it was uh still pretty much march march one of those one m month we're there during an m But other than that, the view is magnificent. there's something about your visual field. It's the waterfall that Frodo walks behind. almost like less happy because you can't you're obsessing about like you're when you're writing

50:09 yeah however exactly what you're talking about it brings the opposite almost like the the all You're like, oh, shit. It's always inspiring. But then there's also something about just beauty. of beauty and there's something about it not just a sexual attraction to it but just the actual There's like something to it. fuck, that's amazing to look at. How many living people?

54:38 Oh, yeah. Hey, now, you're an all-star. it feels like a perfect night to dress up like Hitler or hipsters. Is it Katy Perry? songs that remind you of them. I have videos of my daughter singing that, and I think it's awesome. Fuck off. No, listen. but that's why i don't i don't stay away for long like you go away for like these big long stretches I don't want my kids to be interesting.

58:06 Like that a lot of people don't really consider. Cats go and jack a mouse. They're teaching them. obstacle and you need to be shit on by other comics. mask to not look at me. What year is this? And now here's a question. of that but like you want them to also feel like they've earned it right you know that's the one But I looked at them and I was like,

1:00:59 And so- I had him on my podcast. Even though you didn't do well in school, you were concentrating on other things. of interacting with people and realizing what people like, and then once you find it, tapping you're doing what works what doesn't work and you get coached along the way comedy you have to coach What do I need to do? He's a maniac And then your parents are like, hold on

1:04:14 I love Ray, too. It doesn't take away from Everybody Loves Raymond. I know I come, sometimes I come off as a douche. I was like battling against myself. I was the opposite of you. Instead of being like a very gregarious, like outgoing, really fun to be around guy, I was kind of crazy. the source one of the really unique things about becoming a father and i'm sure you'll probably

1:06:57 that i've watched learn how to talk and then start fucking with me and figure you out and And I explain. This is a big one that I drill in their head. I got a whole bit about it. But the problem is the four-year-old, man. Dude, I'm taking shit to the next level. Santa Claus is calling you? Let's type in Santa. And he's just like, ho, ho, ho. Do you know what?

1:09:27 Five times Dude, somebody just sent me that He says that, and it's right there on my computer. So I was like, I'll put in the fight companion. That was Ian Edwards or Ian McCall as well was here, right? Eddie and I used to work out at 24 Hour Fitness, and there was a guy who was a manager there. Dudes would just be sitting there shaving their balls.

1:11:30 I worked out there twice. that water cooler while they're all quiet, holding on to their little paper cups. Guess what? And all I can pitch, you know those people that sit outside Gelson's and try to get you to sign forms? We're shooting their heads. You're going to annoy way more people. But most people, what are the numbers of people that come out of Whole Foods?

1:14:11 How do I know where the fuck this money is going? Whenever I'm forced or cornered to be charitable, I'm not charitable. This is what I have for gay rights. All the love the F word. I used to say faggot. like a bomb. It comes out like a bomb and it's Yeah. if Justin Martindale, because I'm never gonna in Little Canyon for gay rights. I'm in. I believe that you can get results from annoying people, but you're also going to annoy people.

1:17:10 I'm going to talk about shows, if I'm doing a show on New Year's Eve, I'm trying to do it because I fucking love it I'm at the Improv in Hollywood. I don't say it enough. There are some He's up there with Burt Kreischer, Tom Segura. It was a pleasure. Not to say that Mitch Hedberg was, but it's a genuine way that he talks. when you have a dreadlocks

1:19:33 what the fuck? spiraling. Can I tell you what? Like back in like fucking 92 or 95. skins on a snowy marsh. Tongs. I almost didn't wear it today because I was like, Joe fucking noticed this fucking watch. Oh, I didn't see that. No one has had any of the champagne. He popped a cork and didn't tell anyone. dude i gotta tell you i watched one of your videos of your podcast, and I'm jealous

1:23:35 What is that? I love old wood, dude. It goes up, and there's an LCD screen behind it. My uncle, like right before the Rolling Stone magazine came out, write out your goals. So he tells you to sit down and they serve you dinner and he tells you to write out your And then he tells me. The Santa Maria? Yeah one of the old boats From like a 1492 I don't think that's around anymore.

1:26:16 But yeah, those old wood. Fucking piece of shit. his slaves This fucking secret grape stomping procedure. with like little tail feathers behind him. It's probably the opposite of beneficial. Who can get the oldest fucking table? You know what I should do with that table? Can I tell you what I... What if I give it to a creative dude who fucking kills himself?

1:28:39 Bring it where? It's a $50 table. I'd allow that. I'd put that back in the creative with a drop in the F-bomb. This table has 100 years of cows being trapped in a fence. I kind of have a farm. I get obsessed when I hear you. I'd get in. There's one guy that says, what's his name again? Do you want to go hunting i'd love to How many shows you got No, no, no. Don't give him that because he's not going to be able to

1:32:05 Easy, Bert! Salute, my brother. Or There's enough people folks It really is. shouldn't buttfuck without lube okay why be rude why be rude okay what is it so hard to get lube That's a meme. I've been taking pills to try to recover. Guarantee you, Rosa Parks was never involved in that activity. When I do this podcast, people come in the studio. She looks Filipino or something.

1:35:28 make sure we're telling the truth. It's the same devil meeting Nixon, Hank 3 is the best. I've been telling everybody about Sturgill Simpson. independently that's sturgill right here this is his uh his album this shit is number one right now sturgill's doing is what johnny's doing is what Johnny's doing is what Joe Cocker it sleep with us in bed. It was in a cage?

1:38:22 stomach. I just bought Sturgill that album Or not. got on the Honey Honey Band. They're really good. and so talented. Dude, fuck that. not up in that fucking hand anymore? Yeah. boxing yeah yeah man that's the beautiful thing about the times we live in you know times you Those things, it's cool to be a part of this community. It's like I would have heard if the guy got out

1:41:51 Because when you and Duncan went home for a scat, you said, your joke is like, if they had found it, I would have heard about it. If you watch that show We were barely conscious. really think about is the fact that man man, we might not even be here. Like five minutes in, I start spiraling out. There's a tiger coming out of the rip and you're shit mbs you know right but like he's I fucking can't say enough about that guy.

1:44:14 He lived with me for like four months. I don't know what I'm going to do. So this is like in the height of fear factor. But I follow him on Instagram He doesn't He's very happy. Like, Tate loves And he just goes into places where you draw a prediction about a person based on the way they look, but then he just connects with everyone. He's a big giant dude.

1:46:10 He pounded on Tate. this guy a free pass goes into his hotel room and i'm in the room adjoining him and eddie bravo and But this dude is standing over Tate, and he's bigger than Tate. Come on, why don't you swing on me? right when he's got this guy on the ground, So Tate pulls an omoplata off on this guy. He's just going to choke him to sleep. chokes this guy completely unconscious, thump, head down.

1:49:07 and the doors close and this guy vanishes. and Tate was so confident about it. He was just coming off the ultimate fighter. He kicked him light. He just hit him with a light inside leg kick and Tate was so confident about it. you guys are sharing adjoining rooms. Eddie Bravo's there. I didn't say he was a professional fighter. And then Eddie Bravo, Eddie Bravo goes,

1:50:37 the dude, even through his drunken haze, was going, I might have just stuck my fucking That's a sign of vanity. his dad and mom didn't care about his smile parents let them smoke cigarettes. And I was like, But then I... Okay. Just me or everybody? Never. Hold on. Can I pitch it? What? Which I was a fan of But wouldn't that be? On top of each other, I think.

1:53:17 Out of respect for my friend Justin Collett. Why? Because any time I'm done, dude. I'm done. No, just produce it. Not starring it. It's over. It's over. Why? I just love those old stories I'm doing But It's a lot. I wanted to learn how to fly helicopters after being in New Zealand. I love it. I got yours. Comedy Central. Right? But planes. You can't download it.

1:56:04 You own it. That's yours. And had yours on my iPad Mini. You can download mine. You pay five bucks, you own it. And now it's like, oh, everyone does Netflix. And it made some money. But you might. bitch text him now bitch his brilliance is in his simplicity ah let's go keep going keep going No No But yeah But yeah But yeah But yeah But yeah You're serious?

1:58:58 I mean, during the day. it, but I feel like there should be something more Nope, 5 a.m. Joe, do you know how much fun a 5 a.m. show is? Well, there's that. Denver. Somewhere weirder like Nashville. In Nashville? Here's what I want. Best things I've ever had. Teach him. You want to smoke a joint and the Travel Channel doesn't let you. when it comes to medical marijuana,

2:02:12 And everything you do without marijuana is to the detriment of the human race. These new machines that... these new machines that they use and it's almost unfair it's like i've been talking about this Well, they're not, you know, they don't live in our world. I'm going to eat the Avatar. It's the most. they roll tanks across the field, drag these nets, scoop these cows up, hoist them up in

2:04:47 You think a cow, they killed it with a pillow? Do you know People would freak out. You don't feel bad at all, right? Have you seen this? I love the way Brian's non-sequitur brain works. It's supposed to be an ax. It's a gif It strips it Just teethy, just... People love mammals. They're the same. Right. Things that can breathe underwater, Are seals smarter?

2:08:57 Nothing. They have teeth privilege Can you imagine all fish and all sea life could breathe in- You have fangs. You can't feel bad for things with fangs. Can you imagine if all fish and all sea life could breathe in space, You could do that all night long. fucking space, right? Like, that's where the space station fucking Northern Pike and flies around the earth.

2:11:03 They're just sucking things out of the dirt. Yeah. Pitch it to me though That's the difference. fairies come with too many problems okay but butterflies even in the gestation process in reward is literally being able to negotiate through 3d space and this exuberant sort of you get 40 years of your life You're magical for 30 years. Would you trade While you're tearing through space

2:14:41 Oh, someone make a gif of that. I'm with you I called Bert up the other day. There's a new show called Mr. Bert. Yeah. You are. There was a fucking boat. Where was this again? Yeah, yeah. This is a fascinating thing about you, man. You're doing some things that you would think that someone who would have anxiety I can figure you out in a way. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

2:19:08 I don't know I'll give you way better I didn't like them. All I'm saying is you wanted to win a game of pool in a weird way. Brian, what about the time he pissed on the table? I'm like, ooh, it smells hot in here. there's a reason why you're the hood of Bert Kreischer look we played one game of pool I know That's not me. And I know you have because we've talked about people that you are friends with or you've had bad experiences with and you know i i don't think there's anything wrong with being competitive

2:22:50 It's a negative thing if you fall short. like this motherfucker like you feel it and it's it's literally just a thought management life i be incredibly quick and what you learn in a 10-year span is like you know it's not that much Point being, It was really out there. shut it down, and then they stop for a moment of silence for cancer, and then they start

2:25:08 Now, my competitiveness is not with Bill Burr. But Daniel Tosh, I will always respect the way he writes jokes. I go, how do I get to where Doug's at? You said this to me the other day. You got to write about it. No, but if you're going the rope swing, Well, that's superhuman powers. A little bit. You're swinging off of like a bungee cord or some shit?

2:27:44 Why? You just want to die. But, yeah, this whole season has been really insane shit like this where you just are like. that goes, hey, man, what are we doing? and just talk about the terror that you experience on a semi-weekly basis. If I could open up a rope swing company, and if you're out there and any of you guys are listening, Trust your equipment

2:29:34 Thinking Or just audio Which is like 90% of the people. and then they bring her back and go hey whoa what are you doing and then so it We shot clay pigeons with no worry whatsoever about the repercussions. like I might have shot a shotgun like maybe once or twice ever before I did that. And you just get that crosshair on. And like it has like a slightly slower projectile.

2:32:21 My buddy Russell Matthews, when we grew up, was a big-time bow hunter. It's getting your cell phone out, your wallet, your keys. want to try rifle hunting because if you hit an animal in the body with a rifle most likely it's You've got to be really diligent. Yeah, It's on high res, He has to be dead. unless it was a GoPro that was on his bow, People think of them as pests.

2:35:43 native to north america at all it's gonna be good That's a place to meet girls that cry. The Italians? parrots like a gang of wild parrots oh yeah i've seen them wow and they it's the loudest thing ever I remember we worked at the West Palm Beach Improv, the old one, Yeah. Cuba is the- You know, there's just rumors because Disney's there. yeah I had a bird

2:39:25 plugs on yeah put that let them into your spiritual compass yeah bring them into your It's a 1,200-pound body of stewed grasses. green. This is contributing to I never said this to anybody! They would bring the fucking parrots Are you serious? you know all you need to do Badgering the witness Anti-semitic language i was just gonna say nf You can't even cross-examine this fucking shitty parrot.

2:42:59 where I can get convicted from the ramblings of a fucking thing I don't mean anybody with a disease. it's actually mentally backwards slow retarded you're not growing quick enough yeah we were at It would be beautiful if one day we cracked the code to what makes a person worth being around. have realized that that word is a tad bit outdated but that doesn't apply to me.

2:45:02 So just like we've abandoned a host of other words over the last 20, 30 years. But it's like all of these mean words, whether they're derogatory terms for homosexuals or different ethnicities or whatever the fuck it is, all those mean terms. So ultimately that's what it is. It seems to me that's what the root of it all is, I don't have a problem with guys hitting on me.

2:47:17 squirts the machine trying to reach you in a unique way i love it i love that unique touch Best song ever. I wish you were smaller. Cocaine on Malibu? The lead singer of the Eagles. Joe Walsh. I think it's that guy. Don Henley wrote... Do you remember the dude from... Joe, I'm losing the sentence. I have it in my head. He's only got 40 more yards before he needs to suck a clown dick.

2:50:32 Desperado. Okay. It's in the fucking documentary. He said in that documentary. I want those moments in life where you go, sing. Motherfucking owls. they live and dangle them in the air and smother and crush the ones at the bottom Who literally get suffocated First by the weight of the thousands of others It needs water to stay alive, and it knows the water's right there,

2:52:41 I am so fucking hammered. If you flip it on its ear, Please help. Yeah. Scoop them up with nets. I fight you What if there's a tuna There you are You're going to love Two Guys, One Fish. Thank you. Uber. get high off an Amanita Muscaria Thank you for five years, get it all out. I love this world. Thank you everybody who's ever done any of the episodes

2:56:43 rocks this life fucking rocks we This life fucking rocks. Rock!