Joe Rogan Experience #595 — Nick DiPaolo Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience. We can't see up close. So sad. I only need those for numbers. I'm in the restaurant. That's right. Pulling on your cell phone at three in the morning? I was out here. I'm not fucking. it was an agent tried to fuck him a He's going to be my brother. are a lot like male casting agents you know the casting couch the notorious casting couch. Yes. How bad do you want the part? And, you know.

3:35 outstanding but you were approved and done it was over but she just tried to weasel it in it was We actually did a scene that said it came across too violent. and they said it looked too much, I got to break this thing It was fun, man. What was his name? Either that or I'm starting an ugly rumor right now. You're right. The wife died recently. He looked like shit before he died.

5:26 Looks like Candy Crowley from CNN. And then this fucking cruel spiritual. Look at all the necklaces and stuff he's wearing. And that was like a thrill to meet the guy. Yeah, on the show. Who looks the best from that? We are dating ourselves. It's way better if you know what happened Yeah, he looks good. That show's kind of jinxed now that you think about it.

7:53 Same year that Epstein died. A club owner told me that. He used to mail it. And I said, you mean $75,000? That's healthy. Oh, my God. He's like just so bad I couldn't get on his podcast this week. because he knew he was going to piss it away anyways. Legit crazy. him. And then this switch goes off and he impulsively decides, time to have a cigarette.

11:05 because he has some Stay up for three days? Caveman Coffee. It's one of those things if you do it a lot, if you drink a lot of coffee, it sort of becomes normal. Another Senseless Killing. No, I can't even like focus. No The immune system Caffeine. how come I've been in like 12 fist fights before noontime over the last 20 years? I'm naked in my driveway wrestling three cops.

13:14 I've had some of the worst fights with my wife for 16 weeks, today's the first playoff game. goes to me I know how to read asshole fucking everything. What is that, an alligator? I don't know anything. Right, asshole? Even out of the bar I'm at White Plains Airport he looks at me, He goes, depends on what? Oh, in Minneapolis? like low ceiling, tight clubs.

15:45 Was a fat cunt I really don't Yeah she's on the front And then she got one of those tummy things done. Killer, right? I think you can get away with a theater. you lose a bit of the interaction with the crowd. And you ride it and they ride it. and Louis Black was there on Thursday night. And you couldn't hear the tagline. But when you do get a big laugh from like 3,000 people, it's a wave.

18:51 Staples Center was even bigger. so that the top row is right in front of you. It was like 550 seats, but same thing. You don't know what you're getting. Right. I know. We used to be like a textile. My wife's from outside of Waterbury. I don't like the mix of casino. You're wearing dirty running shoes and a members only jacket, and you just put two grand into the wheel of fortune machine you fucking loser and then they get pissed and they come to the show right yeah and sit with their

21:48 And then you're playing, you know, the craps table. A little collar on your shirt. Like the poor kids, right? Hey, look. Yeah, yeah. how sheepish people are I know people that Doesn't matter. Really? That's all we had in the fridge. It's crunchy. I know it's a guy who has the bit, but yeah. Lemon bar. This is bullshit. Powder all over your face grinding it in a fucking delicious. I've never done coke, but I'm always paranoid that people think I'm doing coke

25:13 it's coke? It might be ricin. Someone's trying to kill you. That's true. It burns. DMT That shit Really? There you go. Is that right? Sometimes people will get weird dreams. You will have a fucking wild dream. What is that? I just started doing research. Yeah, it keeps your nicotine receptors alive. and nutrients and paracetamol. Yeah, about Terrence.

28:01 This crazy fucking book. You did mushrooms when you were young and stuff? Yeah, fuck it, I'll smoke some of that. was telling me that it makes him more creative that he likes it likes i was like makes me dopey No, it's just true. Any kind of weed. This is what I wanted to hear. Last time I smoked it was when I first moved to New York City. on the way home

30:20 my number comes up That was in the early 90s. Got some right here, Nick DePaulo. What, on the 101? Do you really? Yeah. Fucking guy. Do you do that shit high or nah? hyper aware, on the point, no fucking around. They like it. very small. but other shit. use mushrooms and go on minnesota berserker no not those guys they use steroids different vikings

33:12 Yeah, this is the guy. Look at the size of that motherfucker. There's a full photo of him. You go to a certain size, and then it blanks out on you. People are just way bigger now. I don't know if it's hormones Look how he's towering over the guys next to him. He doesn't have pads on. It's like girls wear those exclusively. I'm going to suck some cocks

35:13 nobody ever then you had the first um see the coffee i'm stumbling over but no yes yeah it's not it's not the best reference but i see what he's going he's going with that no Yeah. They started to have shit And he just did a documentary on Barry Crimmins. Oh, I didn't know about that. that's what he you know he named the documentary something Something along those lines. He told me the title. I was howling and laughing.

38:25 on stage one night or something. in your face about it. Barry was like, I used to carry the, Remember Susie, with an erection. Now we think back on it. Big walrus mustache. No doubt about it. he was on trial, and they were asking him, Jot it down. Yeah, the fascist fucks. but there was this guy who got a sex change and then started fighting women in MMA.

41:26 to be a social justice warrior. Well, you got paid well. And that's like, I said out and open about it because the first two women she fought didn't know that she used to be a guy. Yeah, there's two schools about it. in, say, fucking mountain bike racing a second. You're not talking about just regular sports. You're not talking about someone who's competing in, say,

43:17 It was beating them like fucking 10, 15 seconds faster than everybody. Certain things you can't change. A kickboxing match with Bill Superfoot? I came up with a roundhouse or just a punch. I'm up as a kid going, what the fuck? All these women were ducking her. Got fucking lit up like a Christmas It doesn't matter if they have the same amount of body mass.

45:28 used to be a man is not it's not built feminine you know you get man shoulders and fucking man Exactly. It would be miserable probably. i'm just going to be honest with you i try to be tolerant until i find out that you By that sex change Yeah, the frame. They're not going to know that. It had nothing to do with me on stage. She know. they bought into this shit.

48:03 Look it up. just non-existent and it's definitely it's not even existent inside the genders you know male Yeah Oh no That's it. And if we get pulled from YouTube, Jamie, I'll just edit that part out. Oh, really? Look at her getting smashed. Jesus Christ. She's not dead. They give her the ball not watch this. I don't want to watch that. Well, you wouldn't want them to do that, would you?

51:03 This humongous guy. Oh, fucking Christ. Even if she's juicing, you know. God, I mean, you're going to have to juice for gotta juice if you do even she's juicing you know god i But there's only so much that changes. I think he's almost 70. I got the physique of fucking Buddy Ebsen. Yeah. That's actually a great point. I know. Somebody said that already.

53:24 And I don't like those. Look at that. Get the fuck out of here him, and I kind of am. I like Stellante. He sucks me in, and I don't like those. That's recent. I'm not doing that. We've got to produce a lot more hormones than we regularly are. we don't need these. But I kept doing it. There's a lot of jump acts. He hurt his back. Like all the vitamins in the world are not going to help you if you're eating fucking

55:59 That's good. I just abused it. just thought it was well if you're in your 50s you are you know i mean if you're if you're 25 You pick up a 35-pound kettlebell. 20 minutes in, your fucking legs are on fire. You follow along. Yeah. They talk about it. Like a lot of times when I land somewhere, I'm like, oh, I don't want to go to the gym. the I didn't even know he got drunk.

59:06 If you ever want to feel like a lazy fuck, follow The Rock's Instagram page. Yeah, yeah. It's going to get me hurt. Yeah. people were going to see me, I'd actually put in the time. I'm joking around. I think marriage is ridiculous, but I'm not going anywhere. I mean, the marriage system in this country and the encouragement is involved in getting turns out.

1:01:51 They got married by a friend. How crazy is that? She'd get all his suits. Is that in all states? about being married No kids, broke up with her, They were married when she was you are obligated, if you're the guy who's, what is it, the caretaker? They never got married. He has to pay her for the rest of her life. Well, that's why, and I'm not saying this is justified, but that's why a lot of guys snap.

1:04:54 argument like they're the perfect person i'm the perfect husband i was the perfect dad i you know violent i'm not gonna do that but he's like look it'll favor you in court you know say that you it seems like a chick flick it seems like it well it's it's weird it's it i can't get past the Yes. with a fucking patch, fucking movie. I'm like, I'm going to watch this until I fell asleep.

1:07:21 Were you listening? Apparently the book is more It makes sense, but it's also coming from, you know, it's a woman writing that shit down. Well it used to be Well how about you know who I can't believe I'm going. It's beautiful. women in the face women beating back then? No, exactly. I wish you was a wishing well. That's all she said is maybe you found someone you like better?

1:10:32 And that's where I first saw that. Yeah, that was like a palm strike. I might have saw a different take. maybe you found someone better. but we're all getting pussified Right? His pajamas are excellent. Oh my God. There was nothing. this is horseshit right this this gone girl is fucking feminist tropes bullshit you know or this I saw this in a movie, so this is what you do.

1:13:48 I fucking loved that movie. First you get the money. He's dead on And so it was really crowded I just went into denial. Yeah, but... It happens. Like, where, like, you know, it just didn't matter. Ha ha! I know. Oh, good Lord. It is the worst fucking trailer. With a shitty Russian accent. Pay my fee. I would say play the Amish beard. when they pissed at each other

1:17:00 fucking wizard Because there was a whole article a few years ago about him having money problems. He's a wizard or something. Oh, Showgirls, yeah. That's about right. That's horseshit. It's one of those indie movies. They did it in Marin's garage. sequel to whatever that one is called No, oh the family wedding silver linings playbook. No, no, no I think that's it.

1:19:59 No, it wasn't a spoof. No. That was good. Yes. like a fake Arab. Those fucking twats. yeah that was a good play what a good kid she is huh what a good kid what a good kid God, I forgot about that. or you know they go hey we got this movie it's independent is it stop click Famous actors Did you see Birdman Yeah, those guys, man Yeah, like a woman like Faye Dunaway

1:22:51 Like, you know, she was a major league movie star, involved and then he started doing stand-up again remember he did a special It atrophies very quickly if you're not out there chopping away at it. Isn't that weird? a little nervous, a special, so after I released a special- Absolutely. out i'm laying on my couch fucking eating a slice of peach and i get 11 10 at the cellar and you

1:24:50 I'm handing a billionaire a hand. He'll say some hateful, mean shit. Like, go out of your fucking liberals. Yeah, well, anything a little off color, and they're like, ugh. Nick gets so angry. He'll say some hateful, mean shit. The kids are so PC, and they get fucking bent on it. Joe, my second year in the business, I stopped doing colleges. And it's the only time I got off early in my life.

1:26:10 Yeah, because they live in the boonies. Did you really? It's like that movie, Stand Up, when Stand Up stood out. it to be funny and it was pure like there, Kenny Clark, all those guys, Mike Donovan, when that was happening you were like a little bit ahead of me and right right when we came in He was already a huge star in Boston. He was in town looking at schools for his daughter.

1:28:24 And Stephen Wright was in the mix, Yes. That fucking act, man. Do you know he lived next to me? He goes, I don't know, Mitch something or whatever. Yeah. It says DePaulo on the napkin. There's no doorknob. He was a Heineken or something. Oh, really? Oh, that's cool. That's funny, man. But that broke my heart. He was a guy that got a development deal,

1:30:41 is they take a stand-up, they go, or give a stand-up fuck this He lived way up. I was like, ooh, I like that guy. My dog got eaten by a mountain lion. It was like It was I mean They ate the fucking car. The bear got in. In Colorado. Because I My car's fine. Ew, Colorado. I like eating bears. Have you ever met a guy like this? Ate the seats. What's going on with that bear?

1:33:33 No. It'll probably get us pulled from YouTube. It's a real pain. maybe 20 feet or 20 yards rather in front of these fucking two bears that were fighting yeah that's there. The last thing you want to do is run. You're prey You have to move towards them You have to And then I made a joke about a bear shitting in the woods. People like to take selfies with bears.

1:36:03 what they do those Those goddamn polar bears, Does he go to the cleaners? He's a polar bear. He doesn't give a shit. He doesn't care what he looks like. He's a polar bear. fucking things are no i that's like i said i'd rather be in a shark cage have you ever seen the and we have these ideas about them based on cartoons. Koala. No, that's a white guy oh oh hey

1:38:17 Probably fucking 1,300, 1,400 pounds. going to bite up there trying to bite it Look at the size of that fucking thing. yeah i would want a gun i wonder if he's got a gun in there yeah you have to have some have some kind of backup, right? Just in case if it does happen. See the teeth? Yeah, they creep me out more than anything. Really? Oh, you're just being racist.

1:40:36 I know. no tunnels, no bridges on the way into the city. Without telling anybody because people will Covered in blood and shit. I love this guy. I got a small dog and we have coyotes that let the dog out at night. at him and wag his tail when he sees him oh my god yeah and when uh he killed a chicken and ran That was actually not even us. And he said he was getting

1:43:13 I'm just going to let Yeah. Yes. He's pretending he's got a cast on his hand. The girl comes over. Sign him. He's trying to put a couch in the back of a van. Oh, yeah. He's pretending he's got a cast on his hand. They're fucking smart. And if they can get the dog outside, then they just maul it and kill it. They'll have other wolves waiting. Who's going to be the guy that waits?

1:45:04 They have a real problem. They literally wait for someone to be walking his dog. And so they just run up and snatch dogs right off the leash. They literally wait You think after number 10 or 11 Arizona's an open carry state. No helmet on the motorcycle and gun. I really wish we could get a motorcycle. I get one of those goggles on. I don't trust you.

1:46:56 yeah i got kids well louis when i was living with louis in new york right after we moved to He got hit hard. But two people I know got in some pretty serious accidents. He almost lost his leg. even tempting just to be like you know what i'll just drive around my house my neighborhood you Like, this is not that fun for me. Don't do it, Joe. Yeah, you should be off in the woods with that thing.

1:49:20 Oh, yeah, a lot of paralyzed people. They get crushed. He doesn't have a helmet on? I don't understand why. I don't know. That's the law? the worst is when you're you don't know what to do. Yeah. Wendy Liebman used to have Well, I always Everything's dry as fuck. That looks awesome. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, I I mean, how is a motorcycle legal?

1:52:30 How about that? What? Yeah, and there's a lot. I see a lot of them. Is that the future? Yeah, a lot of those things, electric rather, right? They're all electric? I don't know. Is that the future? I see a lot of them. No. That's like the newest, the latest, greatest one. And now he's paying the girl like $20 million or something like that. Like the UFC right now has a...

1:54:32 I didn't know. Fucking social justice. I was raised know. Fucking social justice. Fucking social justice. It comes from fucking slaves pulling it out of the ground. Minerals. Because the gas they have now, No way. Dude. Really? That's fucked. I like to talk to him on the phone. I'm hoping. They test them before the fight or right after the fight. Gonzo.

1:57:33 coked up. Yeah. Best pass rusher they have. This is cool being with Rogan when the news breaks. And you didn't even, 10 seconds after that, the guy get knocked out. So by saying that's a metabolite in cocaine, Let me tell you something. I mean, he could have just they say people would come in and you would lick them it has to be cookie. people that are like

2:00:11 Okay. With the support of my family, I've entered into a drug treatment facility. That's what's going on. He's the baddest dude on the planet. You really do. Okay, so that means... This is fucking very clever. Nancy Drew. It really is fucking sad, Joe. What do you think? Let's go deep. It says, bye Brazil. Because it's trace amounts, I will bet you that it was probably something that's common

2:03:17 So he got tested on November 4th. It looks like Brazil's the most likely culprit. Now back to the boot camp, and that was November 30th. Wow. But the contrast between live in the hills with this amazing In some spots Chujascarias Yeah they spent so much money on the fucking World Cup. Not banned in competition. That's what it is. happened but now now you you could have quite a bit more as long as you're not high

2:07:10 There was a nice apartment. I come home shit-faced. I'm in the bathroom. They were fucked up all night. they didn't know if they should take me to the hospital. I mean, you know, you can look it up. And this is from somebody who didn't, I didn't smoke a lot of weed. That's way stronger. And it literally was in my system for I don't know how long. Because it stays in, if you saw how much I ate, you know, if you saw how much tomato sauce.

2:08:53 Yeah. And that's responsible for a lot of the psychedelic writing and the Rig Veda and all the Hindu You just get really high. That's so much. Oh, dimethyltryptamine. No, it doesn't. It does what? And you would just explain the shit. It's the guy that died to a child. of everything. We only exist in this dimension. That's where all of our senses come from, our hearing, our feeling, our touch,

2:12:41 Does it change that too? Yeah, well, this guy does all of his shit while he's- He had a snowball battle. I'll go to a rug store. Like almost exactly. I would never. I haven't. I don't, I would recommend that little mushrooms. Tomato sauce. You've only done... for the next three days. He had graduated from high school and just fell apart and just got real skinny.

2:15:21 feel good for like 15 minutes you fork and. And then, especially with my type of personality. He lives in the crash. You know like Remember our friends It was the best way to get laid. That's so crazy. Banging fat chicks because they got a barrel of coke at their house. Or whatever. That's true. Yeah, I got trussel dick. Jamie, we were at the Mirage this weekend doing stand-up,

2:17:50 Is that a stain? He got it perfect. Corduroy's don't exist anymore. I've ever seen in my life they I didn't know Ari had it in him I didn't even know they had done it while the fights were going on because they were sitting in the front row right behind me. and I held up the picture, Instagram Not Dust And one of them was laughing The Joe Rogan Experience

2:20:04 Those guys are so funny. Ari brought, allegedly... Shiitake. I'll call up the UFC. They weren't straight for fucking one minute. His life is fantastic right now. And fucking, I mean, just through sheer. I fucking love that. Him and, I'm like, I didn't even really know anything about these two guys. Is that right? legal in Toronto. Like so much of the money that flows for British Columbia is involved with marijuana.

2:23:19 But Montreal, not so much. look the whole deal with duis there's two things going on one they're trying to keep people from Or would they treat them like firemen? and the money wasn't coming in from the cops We hear what they're doing now in New York City. Isn't there someone beating babies? How much money could they be losing for illegal cigarettes?

2:25:41 is responsible for what we would think of as a right-wing act of arresting someone. And now the cops hate him. That's all you need to know. Back in the day, as they come, which is whatever. Yeah. There's like, you got your extreme left, like Williamsburg and, you know, these Brooklyn Pool halls, boxing gyms, martial arts places, all those stupid places I was hanging out at.

2:27:36 They're scared to say it around you. You know? That's a fucking slap in the face to cops. And he's also a charlatan. And now they have Al Sharpton. And that's what Sharpton does. The Rainbow Coalition. Oh, really? people that can be racist like yeah stupid shit like that like come on man At their worst. You see people at to you every day. At their worst.

2:30:46 That's right, 12 million a year. It's also like the fucking stress, the PTSD those guys must be under. It just almost seems like there should be a better way, but I don't see a better way. There should be no laws, and let the market decide. a certain amount of people doing shit they shouldn't be doing, a certain amount of fucking victimization. That's right.

2:32:53 listening to you that night, Are we gonna be able to get Cuban cigars now? at the airport literally asked me, And they opened up my bag and there was nothing in there. I don't know man. Kevin James and I used to smoke a lot of cigars together and he didn't like Cubans Everything. That's the real shit. It felt like I was seasick. and you break a piece off and put in your mouth yeah fucking 12 oh I don't know how I got it first

2:35:35 You accidentally swallowed it. Now I would smell it and I would get sick just smelling it. Yeah, that's pretty bad. I know you want to look like a baseball player, but it's not cool. What's crazy is that they would advertise why I started dipping. Like shavings. Where they're like... There's a direct correlation. Didn't say anything. We did a sketch about that.

2:38:03 The guy had a banana. What's this? It was really funny. You have two seconds to make up your mind. unstable. there's a certain amount of money involved in training one of those coming up with so he hired certain guys though to work with his specials right like i know he um well like jenny helped him and well well with like the oscars he hired us I don't know.

2:40:07 But about a month later, we all get these- Really? Oh, that's cool and then and the second one came out go to the movie And he goes, that's all I wanted you to see. Yeah I love Martin Lawrence They reach a certain amount of fame I'm sure he was. Bosom Buddies they had a Patrick Swayze Too Wong Fu, Decu, Julie Newmar. He's not playing a woman, an actual woman.

2:42:33 making black guys dress up like... Yeah. Robin Harris was very funny. and I was crying at how funny the material was. don't ever mess with no pretty woman pretty woman's too much work i like me an ugly girl i tell ugly yeah it's over you just did it too Will you do your podcast? I'll be up for three days now. And I love it. I talk for an hour. Yeah.

2:45:08 And I like to play It's a blast. I feel like I'm in CBS Studios right now. I'd love to just break into his checking account for five minutes. Another senseless killing. You got it up there. You're always been a great comic At 4 o'clock in the morning for you Nickdip.com Nick DiPaolo, motherfucker. Why not Nick DiPaolo? Transfer things? I guess. Yeah, my friends.

2:47:03 Go.