Joe Rogan Experience #60 — Joey Diaz, Ari Shaffir Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Just like silence. Check point. You know I, I've been waiting on the other side. Who could ask for more? you could die if you wanted but baby what's for And you go, okay, now I can take her home and fuck her because i took her to a jennifer anderson movie see jennifer Also joining us is For like a month Hope everybody's doing well So we bailed and then we're coming back in February on the Super Bowl weekend.

3:11 It was too close. Who else? Yes, that's the three on the card. No, no, no. It's a fucking real company that pays money to keep the show rolling, and we appreciate texture than the other ones i have inside because inside there's actually like three different alien It's probably kept me from getting an audition or two, but that's okay. You take it to the hallway with your robe on and your slippers.

5:08 And put it on my nightstand With these dogs pregnant Comes out with a fucking iPhone of eating my cum and it ends up in my dog's mouth. Wait till your dog fucking America's Most Wanted Well, all right, Next day, I hear cats shuffling like that. Come in a sock. That's the issue. Like, hey, Lincoln, you don't give a fuck. That was a line in my act Pulled my shirt down

7:07 How many times have you done that? and it swells up like a boa constrictor. Everybody's looking at me. I guess. I don't fucking know. Dang. I'm good right here. Every time someone touches that, last week Mayhem was killing my ears. Yeah. Put the thing so I can get it. No, no. And he looked at me and goes, so what? it happens sometimes the amount of blood

9:42 oh you went to Like, bam! I get out of jiu-jitsu class, and I go to take my jockstrap off, and there's blood in it. And then I look at my dick, and my dick is bleeding out of the tip. What are they going to do? So I forced myself to jerk off. pinkish with red Yeah, the old I got a fucking scar on my helmet from when I was about eight. Even then, I didn't show mom.

12:12 So I kept telling her, I couldn't pull it out. The pain was fucking awful. So you just left it in the zipper caught in the fucking flap of the turtleneck. So you left it in there? I couldn't pull it out. You just didn't want to unzip it? I'm a chronic masturbator Like three a day. So what do your loads look like? I want to know how long it takes to refuel your helmet

13:52 The most loads are to kill other sperm. That's pretty crazy. Family of whores and sluts. It's all fascinating stuff, man. To get laid. is because we have we have a factory of sperm killers that were growing inside of our body to combat And they're just like little loadier. Have you heard that thing about life? It's a whole new form of life. I'm not sure.

16:50 life as well. There could be some sort of be super intelligent and can control the world is life like us but so says who says fucking who It's a long way away, but it's fucking huge. There's like a drop-off at a certain point. from pluto than we are from pluto you know it's it's fucking out there oh but it's big that's Are dropping ass It's like your friend

19:27 Like Eddie called me up once. Good luck, dude. You're like, why is that guy doing that much? And the secrets of the universe bestowed upon you. I never liked that. What same was that? your subtext your subtext is what's fueling you you're seeing something but your subtext is taking He thought they were like French fries and started eating them. Are you serious?

22:12 His mother would shoot him with Decker once a day. This kid being 10 and eating a half ounce of mushrooms ain't shit. We just left him there. And he took the money out of the fucking thing, He's in Jersey. He ate the mushrooms. He had sisters in the living room, And we just broke out. Oh, it was fucking classic. I'll tell you right now. I'm very lucky.

24:36 Barely working. You know what I'm saying? which is really brilliant in a musical way. fucking mirror and he's naked. walked over the staples. just to see how strong the heroin is. Let's just take one fucking hit. we wouldn't have seen that. until we went to eat something. That's when it kicked in. a tricky thing though about acid you don't know how goddamn strong it is.

27:40 No. you know your hands are you are falling on the floor. Which really surprised me, no. that. You felt like a fucking rat. a big thing of sugar cubes and just buy some liquid. Apparently, the DEA keeps a very close track of the precursors, yeah i don't want to if i know the guy this cat i get it from i know i'm 20 you don't need that much anyway i ain't going no you need two drops but you just can't

30:11 Like, you have to worry about being set up. and he never had to do time but they were after him and they were on to him i don't remember who and he said, hey, man, I'm going out of business. okay. of coke. See, if you have an eight ball and it's not packaged up, you're okay. behind a criminal is always this could be my last score this could be a big score maybe i get this

32:35 I don't know what it is. Because if you go away that way, that's the other angle. Joe Rogan's got more arrests than my client. This guy goes in the stand. a very good point yeah no that's not entrapment at all yeah that's uh that's an undercover cop they got to do coke in front of them. and they push the trial back to nine months. You just got to be fucking smart.

35:06 Cherry Hill, New Jersey. He's got six Been selling blow since eight balls and stay under and finance. He's got six fucking employees with trucks and walking doggies. I always thought it was bad luck no matter what. They're always sketchy to be around. out of England and they took him to Columbia He came back spreading the gospel that way And no one wants to mention it.

37:41 fucking united states army troops guarding poppy fields. Geraldo Rivera, we talked about this a couple weeks ago on the podcast or last week. or the president of Afghanistan, rather, that there's something going on, to go to war with countries is in control. we sound like idiots. That's the amazing I don't think, fuck, type i'm a socialist i think all drugs are illegal even the ones i won't do but that's

40:06 In Portugal, they've had no drug laws in Portugal for a while. No, I'm saying can they sell drugs right next to a school and stuff? from other people being addicted to something that's dangerous. So the idea of you want to be- yeah, you can still get it though. You want a joint? just thinking probably about me free. Why not? You can. Buy the seeds.

42:22 I don't know. I bet you grew it in hot tubs. Because I know than coffee. Yeah, it's just when you get... I watched a thing on 60 Minutes The most important thing is it's not getting That's rock star shit. because nobody really cares I told you we were talking That shit's nasty. light a joint with a match. That's probably the way to go. Really? You wax ass.

45:14 I like it better, man. you put that motherfucker together, And that first two hit, to me that's there's no better way dollar bill and can't let it roll I ain't scared set the earth man free bitches I'll feel those weird hard tits so sad yeah we had a couple on the band show they a girl a hug and you feel the hard tits they have hard tits what I have not so sad

46:50 it's like they're on the man show I don't know Very nice person. and goes, And when you feel them, They don't have any breast tissue to work with. I did comedy with one for a year and a half in seattle She went out dancing one night. How do you trim the head? So the head was too big. Forget about it. and all of a sudden they got this fucking ginormous

49:33 buck and 50 and look at his head it's got away a buck it's fucking giant like my head it's fucking So hard. I don't know. I've had hard food before. Because when they turn a woman into a man, I think they give them massive doses. believe me or some dude with a wig and a black eye there's probably a connection related to that. more testosterone. have to fight for

52:36 makes your body deteriorate is it hormones is it genetics is it you know just some stuff inside He's my canary in a coal mine. I'm sure. And they give you all this testosterone. And as your clitoris gets engorged with testosterone, who was turning into a man. That's what she said. up with testosterone. Yeah, because your clit gets hard and how obsessive she was with just fucking.

54:53 That's got to be so strange. But we want to fuck them. to a girl and you're like arguing or something yeah just in a normal way and some one of the wife. And I said, well, not necessarily. I go, I don't know exactly what he did to his wife, but And the only way you get that one is if you abuse women. Like while the case was going on, while the trial was going on, before he was convicted.

57:37 Don't do it, guys, at home. against this you're like i wasn't even saying I'm for it. Exactly. He's looking for a fight Liberal Save-A-Ho and jump in and If it was my son and he's fingering his asshole and sucking on his fingers. you're like, yeah, that's who you are. I just go, whatever. You can't try to change me, though know how many dudes have you ever talked to where

59:38 doing yoga anymore i think it's bullshit the yoga's for fucking idiots why what was the reason I got to run it past my wife. one of those dudes my wife won't let me I was like, that's weird. And then right after that, she was pregnant again with another one. baby protection she just doesn't want me to go crazy she doesn't want me to be a crazy person

1:02:10 She was so excited. And I go, damn it. And she can't get in. What did your wife say? It's not a good idea to swear around them. Those fucking. I would go over kids' houses. If kids curse like you guys, yeah, they wouldn't be allowed in my house. They'd have me over for cookies and shit and hang out I need to have a talk. What do you mean? We smoked and joined exactly an hour ago. So right now it's in full steam. I're going to eat us. We got a lava lamp in here. Oh. We smoked a joint exactly an hour ago.

1:04:39 Really? fucking block. they look like i remember one time what did she say to you though how did she react with the mother I didn't even have hair on my cock. I'm going to have gorilla, but I didn't have hair until I was 15. That's weird that you don't even have hair on my legs. I'm one of those people. So I didn't get hair. I was like 15. I'm a half gorilla, but I didn't have hair until I was 15.

1:05:58 Wow. I said, bingo. That means that you're looking good. Pinga is like modest. But in my house. would talk about eating pussy Go like that with your tongue means give them ham. No, I had underwear on. Get the fuck out of here. I think it's on MySpace. I can see it's you. Oh, how old? and the next day her name was Yvette Rivera you're an animal now They ask you, are you okay?

1:09:42 And she came in and we're like, oh. softball with us. This is when I lived in Jamaica He was a hairy-chested, big fucking man. lived in this one area. And it was pretty nuts. anywhere to all of a sudden this 21 My girlfriend was 14. Here's my rule. Then that shit counts. And back then, people were like, oh, I don't like Bob anymore. The first relationships that I ever had, you didn't know what the fuck to do.

1:12:56 went to summer school and then tap out on summer school you can only miss three My first girlfriend, the problem was my first girlfriend was hot. if you live with just your mom, you listen she'd like to suck my dick in movie theaters like anything really Yeah, maybe pour some sugar on me or something. It was like, that was the first person a girl was in your life all the time.

1:14:54 Then all of a sudden, there's some girl, and you're just fucking. That's physically when you're supposed to breed. Oh my god Precious his father Ryan's in the... Yeah. Narnia Right. Yeah, by the way, if you see people outside of a Pink Floyd concert that you know, please don't assume that they're just fine. What happened? It's a very embarrassing thing when you're intoxicated

1:17:33 I feel like an idiot. Get out of my face. 5.30 a.m. Either you're there they come up to me so they're like great to see you and they like talk to me about weed and i ask Vizine, Lifesavers, cologne. Did I ever tell you about that spray? you know to call the ambulance call the ambulance the ambulance, bro? This is two that I Your heart's a little racing, whatever.

1:20:12 Get a ride. What? Second time I'm riding my bike, I fall off my bike for no reason, I blacked out. Yeah. Yeah, I get that all the time. So anyways, I think when I was a kid, that used to always happen all the time. so good right but that's why i think in the past you know i get really big my heart starts going You grew up with a heart attack. We were filming Fear Factor

1:22:29 So I go, you guys want to get high? Like, I can't believe we're doing this. organism that takes over your entire body and transports you to a nearby i started smoking Just don't wait. And we're hitting that weed. Look at you. is it about your body that wants you to shut off? Like what kind of a lack of self-preservation acid sounds way crazier than that.

1:24:56 But it's an insane experience, right? Or even getting hit. As this animal's eating you. You know, that's how Native Americans Yeah, they still do it kind of outfit on, ho. Yeah, and then when the thing gives up, Like most people have AIDS. It's crazy big. That's like the norm. and what is that immune system wrecked from can't you just look at the music library is it actually

1:27:24 I think there's a lot of issues. And fuck virgins, yeah. and weirding out about the state of the world, I don't think so. To Australia That is one of the most people were thinking I was talking about they were all pissed There's a bunch of issues. Eh, maybe half a point, give him a half point, but the second round, he took him down, he a half point round as well

1:29:56 like Machida and Rampage and then he took Rampage down so Rampage would maybe get up half a point for each more damage how would they judge uh almost got a rear naked choke or almost got they would do And what I've been saying for a long time is that there's a lot of fans as well and literally have no experience and no training in the sport other than people explaining to them

1:31:57 There's some of them that really have no idea what they're doing. And I have friends who are judges who have told me in frustration that certain women judges have actually turned to them in the middle of fights while a guy was obviously attempting a certain position like a Kimura or something like that and said, what is this? is that the guy of the sport

1:32:42 and that everything's good. It's been the same guy forever? But people are emailing, man. And the last thing they should have to deal with Leg kicks, it takes a bunch of them. What is worth more? they're starting to put their athletic commissions together and they're trying to piece it together They're judging boxing fights. and it's violent. Did he do the right thing?

1:35:20 You have to have some experience. think there's plenty of fucking people out there they have there's ex-fighters there's there's And in my opinion, it's like, wait, who won? It's absolutely professional. there's not an issue? speaking of hilarious i have a show tonight. Ari does these really interesting shows at the Improv Lab, and what it is is there's the improv on Melrose, and there's another room right next to it that's the lab.

1:37:17 I'm like, this guy's like violating the principle. Nice. And it's five dollars. A lot of people are going to hear about it on Twitter. Yeah. How much cheaper are the drinks if they say that? Yeah. What's service? It's part of the cost. See, I mean, that was... If the show's getting five bucks, you get three. You've got so many goddamn stories. I don't know how you do it.

1:40:09 I love it, cocksucker. It's a bullshit charge. They're just using any sort of thing to arrest him. Yeah. They're releasing all these secrets about China. where you're teleporting things is that you could have like, you know, and this motherfucker was just downloading shit It's for everybody now. And he's listened to them a couple times where it'll just lead to someone's harm

1:42:32 They're saying help pimp little boys to Afghani cops. Most of its business is managed on a satellite campus This is fucking crazy, man. me about catching guys fucking. fucking each other, sucking each other's cocks or something. They smoke a lot of pot, too, the Afghani soldiers. That'd be nuts. and Baka boys are 8 to 15 years old. There's no shame in having a little boy lover.

1:45:07 That's crazy. hodge is that how you say it anyway it's on tv 24 hour mecca cam oh and there's a if you ever seen It's normal. So you do it too. And how can you blame somebody? That's illegal It's in the most Mexican neighborhood of L.A. you've ever been to, ever. had pit bulls and chickens and he's got like and they would put a fire in the ground, and just... But people are like, what are you doing? It's it's cruelty to animals and forcing these animals to fight each other i guess but you know

1:48:28 The way they fight is kind of harmless. another one, and they gamble on it. They all and you know he would tell me about the No? Yeah. of his career Who doesn't? That's true, too. You know they're closing OTB in New York? They should let people gamble online Behind it is You know what you can and can't do like guys that play basketball, I think you should be able to gamble on whatever

1:51:24 and shit, but what I'm saying is if you're betting $20 against another guy who's also betting $20, Right, or an entry fee. Yeah. That goes to the prize pool. To a pool player, it's a big score. and $30,000 there He beat him for $80,000 It's a ridiculous spot. Unger. Let's find out real quick. Yeah Apparently And they, like, see what happens. Blows it all.

1:54:20 was a bunch of people in uh new york when i when i lived there in white plains uh executive Otherwise there's no fun for them. There's nothing there. and I would imagine you would be real good Vegas keeps getting bigger and bigger. But it seems to me that it'd be super risky no matter what. That's great, right? you've got to put the picks for all of them.

1:55:55 I'm not sure if the sports book covers all the fights either. These guys don't even know who the fuck this guy is. he totally truly believes this and he says this is the reason why these Japanese guys come over here And you work with him, Joey. You work with him on The Longest Yard. What was that before? And you work with him, Joey. Joey, how big were you back then?

1:57:26 But dude, very few people can hoist up a 390 pound man there's not a whole lot of people that's a that's a different Be better than that. that throws you right the fuck off. you were sitting in a chair I might as well have been trying to pick up a house it was like i might as well have been you one minute i'm in china one minute I'm a New Yorker. My buddy Dougie Knuckles, a fucking animal.

1:59:33 We're here. the headline is, which is what I've always thought was right. that no human beings have ever been able to wrap their heads around. So much more. And you see some shit up in those mountains. And we've ended with an 80 year I Am Legend. We've talked about Graham Hancock on this podcast a bunch of times, What we're worried about today, You have brought a point up that they found fucking,

2:02:51 Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. complete different civilization here. Totally. Well, the Indians, you know, they came from Asia, it. That's why natives look so good. Their shit's strong. Well, the Indians, they came from Asia, too. and there's all these motherfuckers They went to Hertz and said, let me get a GPS. that originally found Hawaii and coming over

2:04:23 there was a Polynesian Versailles and Encino soon. Nah, there's another They got a one in Silver Lake that's tremendous. is through their food restaurants in England about English food being bad food? No, food. There's like We're working on it right now so don't keep twitting me don't worry about nothing he had the gun on him And they arrested him.

2:06:14 Go ahead, dude. You guys were delivering right there to Bloor Street. that's just fucking savages. and criminals and scumbags and murderers and douchebags. These are my fucking things. And I could hear the pubic hairs going bing, bing, bing. They are lacking in flavor, though. And like Mexico, too much flavor. Yeah, I'm ready. I'm gonna go there. You guys know it.

2:08:39 We were in England and Dave, I love him to death, apparently hadn't been doing that much I go, what's going on? and i didn't know what to say that's crazy yeah it was it was ridiculous that was the show a professional. If you can become a professional, Book a movie. When you first get me. And I would get a dollar per ticket. You would have sucked his dick. No, no. You would have sucked my dick. I would. Yeah, robbed me. No, no, no. Sucked my dick. Sucked your dick? What? You would have sucked his dick.

2:10:52 You would have woke up. How much was that? Keep it together. We're going to get through this, bitches. What? I keep saying to him, do you hear those sirens? I don't fucking hear nothing. I'll never forget. When I first bought this house. There's so much about that movie. You couldn't even do The whole thing was amazing, man. That is a You're about to jump

2:13:51 He was one of those In one lazy eyelid. He don't even have to say nothing. It wasn't as simple as... We go, Ralphie, we've got to catch this weed store. And so all of a sudden I go, Ralphie, just drop me off here and park the car. and I'm waiting there in line And he goes, Edwin San Juan fucked me up. And he starts talking to me. He goes, Edwin San Juan, fuck me up.

2:15:39 How the fuck did you? And he was 17 when they finished, right? Most kids don't make it back. Was there any doubt? A little tight whitehead. She's got hail damage on her ass. That was a great movie, man. Oh, yeah. He's probably got 150 G a week on CSI. Some of the guys do it. Kevin James, Go like, let me do this just for a few years. everything becomes like a smooth machine you know you know how to do it and those are those are the

2:18:58 no bearing on his ability to pay and they won't make an adjustment this is like in ottawa you know I remember he had to go to Egypt, so he had to take all this malaria medication, and he lost his marbles once. They still owes her. It's crazy, man. so the man gets fucked over sometimes. They hide money. Child support is different totally different than

2:21:11 He doesn't make as much money as he used to flying into this chick's bank account as you're writing that check you're getting dizzy oh he million and we don't talk ever again? And miss a month and see what the fuck happens. Significant but it was bigger. It was a big giant beetle and you stomped on it Ari Shafir, thank you to the pod mad sold out 4 months in advance.

2:23:33 Ari Shafir is on the show as well. to design this fucking show i am thankful if i'm thankful for anything i have bad motherfuckers for friends my friends 3 o'clock-ish. It's going to be crazy. I apologize.