Joe Rogan Experience #600 — Ari Shaffir Transcript

Transcript

0:00 I'm ready, Jimmy. were over a billion Is it really? Just one big one? This last Shroom Fest, we just kept taking them. I don't know if it's from that or just mild schizophrenia. Yeah, I would say if reality is at all slippery, just hold off on that. Really? Just tell them what you're doing. Mm-hmm. You're taking this type of antidepressant medication.

3:16 He goes, no, not a thing. taking MAOIs, Oh, really? is a natural MAOI inhibitor, like that yeah there will the experiment mean, Tim Ferriss has this statement or this saying, It's just the idea is finding like what does the least amount of damage and the most amount of benefit? Yeah, it's fun Oh, no. No, thank you. Why sober for this? Well, they have alcohol at California Adventure.

6:33 It's real alcohol. Yeah, It's more than that. Didn't Dice have Club 43 You gotta know what it is. We used to have Diaz offs at like the Brea Improv. His Diaz was better. Well he was also, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I forgot who won. A little. these fucking ridiculous paper glasses we're wearing. 3D movie screen. Like, when you go to see, like, top-level 3D, like Avatar.

10:04 Remember? Yeah, separate the red and the blue. you'd be like what the yeah you have to lean back to avoid it i want that 3d none of that So they give them slow-mo and then dump them off this fucking giant roof Avatar was insane. I never saw Godzilla. So they know. That's all they give you. You forget it because you watched the movie. later with the canyons and the big bug and the electrical nuclear power supply there was a few

13:29 King Kong where he just fucking starts dominating It can't make any sense. That overwhelms the bigger Asian. I give in. Well, because it was a fucking Japanese production. guy. I don't know that 500-foot whatsoever. Oh, I've watched him, him dude when i was a kid i any fear-based racism like i'm afraid of black people, just became, oh, I'm just afraid of the youth.

16:25 What city? They don't know limits. And a lot of their versions 17-year-old? You know? This one guy said it wasn't. America. You gotta just avoid them. And drug ourselves. Did it really fuck you up? I didn't do anything You orgasm. What was I saying? It was that other stuff. You hung out in pools all the time? yeah well it's enough to scare off the wolves so you've never done drugs or alcohol pretty much

20:14 I took a full dose. would take like one thing and you do it right before you go to bed. You just need to start coughing, rough your throat up a little bit. To get the codeine, you gotta raspy up your I got prescribed for wisdom teeth out. Let's not say he said that. I'm like, never been into them. There's a comedian that used to have a real problem with NyQuil and club owners would have to buy him like container

22:44 had to bring them. And that's why. Did he perform well on it? fight the demons on it way too happy with yourself yeah oh you're really good with the bone Oh my god. because dragons aren't real. That they haven't totally overcome yet. I think hair is tough to reproduce. that he chose to not be in the early UFC games. He's beating the shit out of him from his back and then he set up an armbar Wow

25:58 You have a handle on your head, son. You can't watch on TV. Now. You can't watch the TV because looks terrible on the screen. That was awesome I don't think it will be. Can we get some volume? Not everybody else is watching. White privilege! White privilege! Yeah, there's a shark suspended. they planned this that's some science shit somebody's super hot scientist for no reason

29:16 Look how pretty that girl is. Good lord the race and it gives the last wrap racing against Velociraptors. I disagree. Really? That could be it. Yeah plot point they're going to hit once. I disagree. No way. He goes down like the bottom of the fucking ocean. And he, like, innovates. Maybe not. I mean he's to see that stuff can you imagine We're not saying it is, Mr. Cameron.

31:42 He does cool stuff. Yeah. And the Terminator movies. He married the girl from the Terminator movies, right? You get the fuck out. Wow, three new? Yes. There's going to be bro. Three new Avatar movies. Wow, three new? You know, I had a problem with Aliens, and I still do. Because there are more of them. And he finds a way Mm-hmm. He's the one who escaped out of the fucking belly and ran off.

33:24 Maybe what we would do Change them Into the door God damn it. mashed potatoes and sweet potatoes and yams and vegan butter cat escapes Just take one right out of the chest. That's exactly what I'm saying. He opened the cap, he sticks something in it, he closed it. I guess there was a destination on the other end. Knee cancer. Eventually you'd have your dick in there right

36:46 oh my god it's like Indiana Jones is after you come No, it goes right into the ocean and it feeds fish. We're just coming on dolphins. The latest stuff and stuff? Yeah, but eventually have you? It's on Hulu Plus. No, but not even.com. You can go and watch Fight Pass. Yeah, we were Renazisis. It's I mean, why wouldn't they just get what you want to get?

39:58 This is Marco Polo's show I'm watching. I mean, it's fucking great. That's insane. And also stand-up specials. That was 2005 On Comedy Central It's right there. It's not even been on Comedy Central yet. That's right. It's not even been on Comedy Central yet. What? I've been there. I was there before it was a Jew and A. I like how you said, I don't make a big deal deal your special. Let me just get it out of the way now

42:31 Well, not weird, like unexpected. But you were, you had an idea. Like, you really wanted it. I mean, that's just what it's all about. were like really god damn good they were really good yeah running in to watch their sets but i gonna have a have however many people 10 people at that level and it's going to drop off there. Like, at every level, you're going to have however many people, ten people at that level, and it's going to drop off

44:52 that's really excited me like, the amount of, uh like cool places to work And Brian's doing the Ice House Chronicles, Pasadena crowd too. over like LA or New York It's all bullshit. joke, the tightness of your joke has You know? They have a lot of that where it's and then going to New York, that seems to be important Like go somewhere. I'm not saying anything more because it's just that fucking good.

48:15 he's got a lot of great jokes but it's it's living a little yeah yeah living experiencing life Do something weird. Statistically I worked this out in ten countries I think so. it's like, oh, interesting. Well, it is pretty cool if you're in a spot, there's also like these a bit the ability to promote oneself through the internet has gotten He did, like, a little bit of, he had a

51:08 you don't have to like Dave Matthews band you can like a little bit more of an upbeat Dave Matthews essentially should be giant stars that for whatever reason don't get considered in the same breath as, like, Jim Morrison Dude, of course he is. That guy's amazing. hole who sang down in a hole oh uh is that allison chan yeah black guy took over oh they got a new

52:58 Why? What's it called? He sings the old stuff, too. Makes you sound more cultured. That guy looks like he does meth. Them bones. After Layne Staley died. Where's... So it's about their journey. You're not a hobbit, okay? Fur-topped boots It's cooking. Top five William Duvall songs. Sounds like a white guy. Thought I had herpes The symptoms were I saw a scab on my dick.

57:03 A real light case. it probably was. I have a herpes outbreak. so it's going to take longer. and Pete Lee I'm like yeah Actually, I noticed it right after unlubricated anal sex. That's like... Fucking, that joke is played. commercial lubricant. you've never heard you tell a girl, ruined i think that was like 15 years ago test. Taste herpes? This person's had it for a while and treated

1:00:53 Yeah. He needs a job. in the system we're gonna have uh jobs that's infringing on our rights just for your right to for a little while, 24 hours. No, that's not a reason to search every american he got back on the right track no no I was on my yeah pastor punches kid in the chest look it's seen as soon as he starts writing pastor lord serious and i walked over to him and i went bam I punched him in the chest as hard as I, I crumpled the kid.

1:03:41 What? punched a kid. He was smart, Just a straight jerk. That's ridiculous. He's got a microphone on. even if there's crooked FDA, Are you just making it up you're like, oh, this might be garbage. Or this is garbage. This is garbage. Yeah, this you look about it, when you take a step back and look at any level of religion, you're like, oh, this might be garbage.

1:05:40 Set your DVRs. in there. Censored online. Oh, actually, it's after midnight. That's great. it's such an exciting time for stand-up it's like taking a smaller bat Start a mulch pit. Especially that show in Vegas And they got that fucking I couldn't find it. I can't remember the word clock. In in London for fucking three days Yeah. Overseas, too much danger to take it with me.

1:09:01 That's it, Eric Roberts. He had his fucking feet in slippers. But you do know people that can't stop. Wow, with the 3D glasses, the fire looks really kind of weird. Joe, do you want to see this, uh, pool table projection? You keep everything clear. Oh, no fucking way. of English and spin and reaction to chalk and balls colliding No, no, no. Yeah, so like you'd have the corner ones. What's go? What's your diagonal battle chess? Oh

1:11:49 the way it's like curved you're right. we couldn't even remember Chinese checkers? I don't think I played that star. In Washington Square Park. because they're really thinking and creative yeah you just want to be in some bachelor in some shitty apartment and you don't you just give up on that's when I realized everybody's got a groupie. yeah are they pool players too sometimes yeah, yeah. Most of the time.

1:14:18 Cello players and fucking... Yeah. build up a bunch want to fuck you. wanting to fuck And you're also supposed to deny I'm too good. That's right. That's the good. That's the best man. That's ever been in that fucking world. That's their son that they sent to the fucking castle. Because he cheated on his wife. That's right. That's right. That's the best man that's ever been in that fucking world.

1:15:55 Yes. Wow. back in the day. Yeah, you know, shoot up on wow and then this week's about the open mic at the comedy store. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, you hosted the employees and the showcases, I hosted people, like, going on for their very first time ever. A host, a letterman. Good human. and just churning out jokes. over again powerful bob oshak powerful bubbles out there representing middle america where's he from

1:19:32 He goes talking about like, He's a good rider, man. Yeah. He's a funny dude. And just a good dude. He's a good writer, man. Yeah. But that's, you know, I don't know. judge him oh look at this guy he's wearing a tie he's on stage this glass is on right he's trying Whereas if you went on TV, There was some old jazz singer but they were like nouveau riche

1:21:42 like a badge of courage Yeah, like yeah, you're right. Sometimes people just don't see it right away this comic in New York. You're like, but I like it. Nobody just goes, yeah that was good you didn't have a good step but i like it nobody just goes yeah obviously i didn't I had many conversations with her about comedy and what I was doing wrong. She would give you these sets where you would go on after whoever she thought was going to do the best.

1:24:25 God, that would have been such a hard spot. Waiting for the light to come on. You feel it kick in. He tried to be extra clean, and that didn't work. Don't lose your composure. And then some of it's being a comic and having to be like, those are big moments for a comedy crowd. But it's that technique of being able to like, let me pull them in here. He's such a friendly guy.

1:26:58 you'll ever meet. He's pretty His hugs are fake. Yeah, he's a sweetheart. Yeah. A CD? Yeah. He grew up in front of us. they are right now now he's doing great like steve simone is starting to build momentum you know i Like, fuck. and that's so funny but yeah but that's like also Sebastian that's Sebastian's another one he's What was the topic? Or it's hitchhiking

1:29:48 I was alone in a hotel room. I really, really enjoyed it. You guys saw a guy get that. That's just amazing. when you're on the road that does does get tiresome, doesn't it? What is that? Thomas Overby. He started at the beginning He's been seeing visions of me. where he you yourself and he you it's a longer piece that's really it tells a lot about I mean, if, you know, you were talking about how you tore your penis because of a lack of lubrication.

1:33:00 relaxed, all blown out. Dude, I ate Your body's like, I'm not buying it, man. Gutter oil. I blame Jamie as the second biggest fuck-up. We're not continuing to play that plopping sound. Yeah, gutter oil empire. Oh, that's a great point. and everyone would have starved to death, I didn't eat street noodles, though. The meat was great. lamb chicken and smash the cage and stuff.

1:36:39 There's no fucking way. Get them out of the way. A big fucking Labrador Retriever them sort of restaurants. We're from America. Dude, I want to... It's a morning zoo type thing. And we had all gotten high. Let's do this. like we had like a whole fight Somebody's cum. This happened. And he had to wash his face with this. That's cool same guy he won the Fantasy League.

1:39:37 They have to reapply So were you allowed To wipe it off And then you can Just once Fresh towel the third guy has an issue the third guy to come has a real issue. The fact that he can still shoot a load on the dying loads of his two friends. No, we're doing the awards ceremony at the Comedy Store patio. Whatever we want to do. Yeah. It's really interesting to see someone just really like catch momentum.

1:42:07 I respect the shit out of her. She moves forward. go anywhere just do it what have you lost nothing the time you're doing nothing move forward yeah But you know what's the pasta? This is the hidden It's anywhere between 60 and 4 people in the room. And Brody Stevens made... I was fucking... Yeah. like that? I'm Choked during the big game. His late night show the other night, it was not this past Friday night, but the one before.

1:45:01 What did he do? Yeah, he does it for a lot of shows. I go out there early and watch him. Like, his ability to, like, move into the crowd and just start bringing everybody together and pulling, like, little things that he said to this person to that person like he's so used to being free when he's doing those those warm-up things like This is something Eddie found the other day, Eddie Ift.

1:46:47 I was almost like it was like only that and Jackouts 2 where I was like you're drunk, So just head into the store there was a million dollar car there, And there was a car ahead of them, too, with a Porsche. Yeah, and that's if you can get one. I touched it. And this car's parked Oh yeah Fastest cars in the world really cool door thing that would, like, go back and then up or something, but it was

1:48:53 Yeah. But it's interesting because they're stuck with this 911, and that's the car that has the engine in the back. Yeah, and then they've sort of stuck with it because it's become a characteristic of the 911. dangerous like no it was not that dangerous according to everybody that i've talked to You sound like the guys when you're saying that, though.

1:50:38 I just heard it was going with you. They know when one tire is losing traction. This has Bluetooth? Pros? Yeah, you can do that. You can't go back to what you're doing. i don't feel i know i do not get upset when people send me the voicemail really you're like oh you It's been 30 minutes. I don't even use the camera. that i think it doesn't get messages also because i think I've sent you stuff before and you'd probably just never received

1:53:50 Now, Ari, is it annoying, though? Gone. between here and here? Oh, I could just take the map better, because you have to look and see what at all times. Sound recorder? Instantly. I look way more present. I'm more social. Instantly. That's starting. Otherwise, people just would. You have to do it. We have apps. I tweet from my phone. Oh, that's interesting.

1:56:56 No, you would like that anyway. I walk down the street Had any new input So then you don't But then Louie was like, yeah, I went to one or two. he can send you a message while looking right in your eyes. are doing it. There's growing pains. do that. There's no reason to do it. Brian's like, I mean, damn it, I missed it. GPS sits weird. What does that mean?

1:59:26 I just looked and I was like, oh, that goes right by the Beverly Hills. And then the second time I deleted from my phone I'll delete it tap on that bottom button and delete those but then you just read get them immediately maybe It's always on. It should be something special that once you do like each other, now they're like, wow, Just have a little bit of class and we can all have a nice fuck site.

2:01:29 You did way more damage than I did. Trying to flame it on me. I wouldn't even brought. How dare you? our faces what are you talking about you were interrupting the conversation Let's talk about it. You let me get the Google search. So easy to deceive young people. like Onion-type websites. to pick us up here. Watch what happens to them. Give me a better example.

2:03:30 Your car runs. God, it was fun. That's awesome, and I'll miss that. on your iPhones. angry at you i'm feeling that right now you are you're like you're getting mad not so much you Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Come on. Back and forth. Let me just go outside and then I can check it all from there. You know dogs that eat out of the litter box? to smoke three a day.

2:06:45 But it won't just be that. Internet use. call me or text me and say hey i sent you an email check that because they business-wise they always over my bed like a goddamn fucking... Savage. Yeah. This one's one of the better ones. You're going to decide. Uh-huh. But when you think about it, man, it does feel good. They should have that There's no pocket texting

2:09:24 I was like, I think there's too many spots. And now it's like, cool, I like that. from hootsuite real easy yeah but sometimes you know yeah sometimes sure and then there's sometimes Yeah. Do you eat 24? So when I get home, I didn't like what life was becoming. Absolutely, yeah. where people are on it that we haven't built not hipster yeah it is what's the term of hipster right that's exactly the term's like against the... No, that's not hipster. Yeah, it is.

2:12:26 Yeah. and then your body will, like, I can't believe I just met somebody Facebook offers Right. about this you know I mean show me this oculus game have you seen the new version of the old He said it's so stunning and so realistic that it just makes you realize, people unlike any of us in this room, right? Apparently, the way they filmed it, they put cameras all over the guy.

2:15:29 You're just running around in these things you put the headgear on and you sort of like run around on this But, like, long-term is something different, too. Because they're not quite even with it. down maybe because when i'm in a front seat on laurel canyon and not driving i don't know when you can't replace reality. I wonder if you get happiness Hanging on.

2:17:49 Come on. That's scary as fuck. I got to catch up. I gotta stop. That's the other thing. gotta disconnect and i i know you promote shows and you promote shows and i promote shows and you I think that's the move. But all your friends, super glue that so i literally cannot unplug it from the car charger ever again yeah well i saw Oh, yeah, something like that.

2:20:45 or maybe in your house. the care It's hard to track you as being uh ridiculous to call racist uh one of them was you know what happened with margaret or someone who works for the dictator, right? She's great. Saying something's racist is not racist. I hate black people, Yeah, I guess. or we're going to run you out of here. because the other one's going to be too divisive.

2:22:59 me either if that's not up to me okay ari if you start a factory yeah producing ari shafir t-shirts and he poisons the environment. then no, that's not a problem for my office. Why? That's amazing. Inviting minorities? no one can speak. that starting a week from Thursday, a bunch of people, D.L. Hughley, Rob Corddry. Kreischer's on. Diaz is on. Miss Pat.

2:25:01 or Comedy Central stand-up app. Looking very good. Damn. Do they have a style to choose from? You're an international baller. Holla at your boy, Ari Shafir. would even come up which I was, this is the, Yeah, exactly. It looks great. No, no, no, no. That room doesn't leave any, there's no space for horseshit leave any there's there's no space for in

2:27:47 You know, I think that's huge for any sort of artistic. But if the bar is set at 40, if you fall barely short, you're still at 39. I see people see Fulcheron. Everybody's feeding off everybody. Absolutely. like this is maybe 11.59, Still watch it. Hey, everybody, look at this awesome thing. that's how people get you how else are you gonna see it let me show you

2:30:25 People used to trade tapes And they wouldn't, because Viacom Wow. You know, Bo Burnham released his special I watch concerts online. And no commercials. It is pretty fast, though. this is what you're putting on in between your awesome shows nothing make a better standard Is it too ridiculous? and go a real commercial? If you want to watch It's crazy.

2:33:13 Like, unless you're, like, in Hawaii, you know, and you're staying in a room that has a DVD player. Yeah. Like FCC rules. Just don't watch. You can fill up on a piece of the pie. It's like, great. And it's all about the money It's five or ten Yeah you get a package deal because they're like starting a new system after that it said you might also like,

2:35:29 other people you might like don't say that's fine that's fine kick the door in up. Yeah. Need somebody to say something homophonic? for their website, All due respect to in and voted? That was when... Oh, right. They just go up. No, they had her already. That was, who was Ingram's black character? oh, was his cousin. No, Darnal was Ingram's character's cousin.

2:37:42 I'm doing a show tonight. Why do you have an arm brace on? It's got a lot of talent. because you're very talented already. I can't just be the tip. Good night 11.59 yeah on Comedy Central watch that then Thursday Good googly moogly, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. It's a strip club. Yeah. Oh, that's right. that I think it starts Morgan Murphy's gonna be there

2:40:51 I've never seen twice in a month. Yeah, I'm going to Boston with Ian. Yeah. Only reason to come into the Valley is to do the Joe Rogan Experience podcast.